What are "flying monkeys"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) 

When narcissists can no longer control you they will control how others perceive you.

Go no contact with the flying monkeys too

This was one of the most soul wrenching, traumatic experiences in my life. The worst part is no one validates your experience, , everyone says you’re too sensitive, paranoid, you’re crazy. Before it’s over, you may well have a mental breakdown. Thank God for giving me strength, and for people like Dr. Ramani who put out the free content for those who can’t seek professional help.

Wild when you realize that your true friends aren’t the people you call friend. While being isolated by my narcissist best friend, who had told all of my friends not to talk to me, a mutual acquaintance of ours asked me to meet him for a drink. He told me my bff had been slandering me to him and he didn’t believe it. He wanted to know what my perspective was. I’ve never respected anyone more than I did in that moment. In a decade of friendship with her, no one had ever done that for me.

The person who doesn't mind being alone are the worst targets for Narcissists.

It's more painful when no one believes that you're being abused by the narcissist despite that you have presented proof of the fact. It can be very destabilising.

This is so accurate. I went through this and I don't want to sugarcoat it - it's brutal & soul-destroying. God bless everyone who is experiencing this.

Wow, this video was my life about 9 years. My “friends” at work all turned on me after years of narcissistic abuse. I called the narcissist out for being a bully towards me and what did she do?! recruited flying monkeys, gaslit me, silent treatment...you name it! Nobody came to me to hear my side of the story, they were all blindly allegiant to the bully. My boss was alerted to this behaviour and she just didn’t see the problem. She gaslit me too. The solution was to move me away from the narcissist into another part of the building. No thanks! I quit that job and that toxic environment. Bye Felicia!

They want you to feel scared & alone..... Also they don't want others to like you.... When they see your strength & joy dispite what they try to do....They hate & resent you for it....

In my case the flying monkeys are strangers. They don’t know me. They only know what the Narc has told them.

I was one of a nephew's flying monkeys. I was so fooled. It took my sister a while to trust me again and, rightly so. I caused so much damage. 😔 Thank you for your clarity.

My sister is a narcassist n when I used to call her out she told everyone I was crazy 🤪 sadly ppl believed her and I was isolated in my family. This has left me as an adult with mental illness!

'Until a narcissist happens to you'... it is funny and so true to put it like that. It is like having a disaster happening to you.

In my experience, the flying monkey's betrayal was 100 times more devastating than the narcissist's abuse. Thank you for this series!

I went and hid in the bathroom at a family gathering and listened to this video. I've probably listened to it twice more just in the few hours since then. The mass gaslighting I experienced was appalling (but not shocking unfortunately. Still. I'm kinda devastated.). Thank you for helping me cling to what I know to be real. I'm the first person in this family system to try and actually break out of this abuse and dysfunction and it's really taken a toll on me

I find it funny that I came up with the term “flying monkeys” all on my own years ago without knowing it’s a term very commonly used by therapists. It shows what a perfect description it is for what is going on!

"Not my monkey, not my circus" best quote ever!!

The smear campaign begins long before the relationship breaks down. If you could be a fly on the wall, you would see that the narcissist subtly undermined the victim to the flying monkeys much earlier. That’s how the campaign often works so well.

Never share your plan to anyone! Except for your spirit guides and mentors! Even your closest friends and family can Betray you!

It's taken me 44 years to admit and understand that my mother is a narcissist and to one degree or another, my sister and three brothers and sisters-in-law are all my mom's flying monkeys. They now use her dementia to excuse lifelong neglect, self-pity, bullying, deception, and dishonesty. I've been my mom's target, subtle though she may have been. I've been grey rocking my mom for years and didn't even have a word for it. She's earned no right to know me. And when I foolishly forget and get my expectations too high, she is like a sharpshooter and goes for my belly every time. But I'm only now seeing that my sister especially, who I thought was in my corner, is my mom's flying monkey. I don't want to attend my mom's funeral when that time comes. I've stayed connected to honor my mother, but I have zero desire to remain connected with my siblings after she passes. I have no anger toward them. There's just nothing there. I'm incredibly sad by it all.

Sometimes I feel like of all narcissistic abuses, that they turn everybody against you and you are left alone, is the worst. You try to heal and move on but you have no one who believes you.

Do you ever find that you are eventually all by yourself....trusting no one?

I met and defeated, escaped from or converted many armies of flying monkeys. You nailed it. I'll add IF one of the monkeys is a narcissist, then the army is exponentially expanded. They have nearly destroyed me. I won. I survived. Now I thrive. And I am joyful and lucid.

wow! you get it. me the scapegoat, my mom the narcissist, my siblings the flying monkeys...I have been no contact from my mom for years and she won't go away...as if all the blame and abuse she put me through wasn't enough, she is now trying to get my own children to be flying monkeys, you are right when you say this is devastating and so hard to trust anyone at this point

"Your entire truth has been stolen. And it's devastating to let go of the people who you thought loved you.".... So true! But when you do this, finally let go, you'll grow a new network of people who truly support you. But most importantly, you gain your freedom... and that is an amazing feeling. And the people who are actually sensible will come around. But that's not your job to make that happen. Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!🙏🏽❤️

Yuppers you really find out who your friends and family really are, its a bitter pill to swallow

My mother turned out to be my worst flying monkey. After that, even though I cut communication with her, I had to be careful of what I said to my siblings as they still maintained (sometimes tense) communications with her. 10 years after the separation and with therapy I’m still having nightmares. Parental alienation has played a big part in that, too. My mother also helped him alienate my children from me. I don’t understand how such injustice is allowed to happen.

These Narcissists cause so much destruction and danger to people it's amazing that more people are not told about this

When I was a kid and watched the Wizard of Oz on TV, the flying monkees SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! Little did I know they would come back to haunt me in my adulthood. 😐

The thing that gets me about flying monkeys is that they KNOW the narc lies. They know it, yet any bit of sensationalist claptrap they say about their scapegoat is blindly accepted as gospel truth.

This literally happened to me at work. My narcissistic supervisor made both her supervisor and the HR rep her flying monkeys. After reporting my supervisor to HR, I was "mysteriously" written up. I quit less than a week later. Then, they had the nerve to have a meeting with me for an exit interview with the HR rep AND my narcissistic supervisor. I couldn't believe it.

My mother in law is a narcissist and everyone around her acts as her flying monkeys, including my husband, even though he SORT OF sees what she is and what she’s doing. I’ve been married to him for 10.5 years, and it’s been the most painful time of my life… I’m so isolated 13 years into my relationship with a man I love SO much, who is a GOOD man, and I don’t know how to “fix” any of it. I worry for my children in relation to their toxic family on their dad’s side.

Dr. Ramani nails it EVERY time!!! She has amazing insight and knowledge in discussion of this disorder!!!

I've lost count of how many of relatives and family friends have told me, apropos of nothing, how cruel and unfeeling I am to have cut my Dad out of my life. One of my Dad's friends (whom I barely know) came up to me at my brother's wedding and, under the pretext of giving me a hug, pinned my arms and wouldn't let me go while he growled in my ear that "we all need to forgive our parents". And I only stopped talking to my Dad -- I haven't breathed a word against him to anyone! It really makes you feel attacked from all sides.

I actually just called someone close to me a "double agent" and he said, "But it's ok because the person [I'm gaslighting] doesn't _know_ I'm playing both sides." My jaw hit the floor when you used that very term! You are inspired above "normal" wisdom and I'm so blessed to have found you. Shalom!

This explained so much!!! Thank you. I lost long time friends, & family, being involved w a narcissist. My reality was just as you described. It has taken years to move forward. I regret that I know what damage a narcissist, & flying monkeys, unfaithful friends, & even family can do to a life that was once considered good, & safe. It's so weird that there is a specific pattern used to destroy another humans life.

So...in reality the victim is trapped unless they realize the (tactics) of the narcissistic people. Terrible evil people.

I was surrounded by “Flying Monkeys” watching & observing me 24/7.. It took me years to finally discover how to deal with them. I’ld tell each Flying Monkey 🐒 something very different. This way the Narcissist would be constantly confused. It worked to my benefit.

This is my mother. It’s amazing to me how my mom checks off all of the boxes when it comes to possessing the characteristics of a narcissist. I couldn’t understand why my mom would slander me . It made no sense until I realized that she’s extremely narcissistic. I didn’t always know that she was a narcissist but I knew that my relationship with her was extremely exhausting. It worsened 10 fold once I got married. My wife’s mother is a sweet woman and my mother absolutely hates her. My mother in law and her family have provided me with the family that my mom could not. I now realize that my mom has a personality disorder. I have gone grey rock with her and her flying monkeys. A relationship with a narcissist is built on shifting sand.

I work at a high end spa and my boss is a narcissist, she’s has recruited 4 other massage therapists as flying monkeys. The spa has become EXTREMELY micromanaged and I’m the target. It’s exhausting! It’s also crazy because I have the highest customer review ratings! I’ve been planning my exit!

I’m glad she mentioned going to a therapist that knows about the “mob mentality” and “flying monkeys”. I was shamed into forgiving and having a relationship with a toxic family member by a therapist that didn’t take my stories of abuse seriously.

some people were flying monkeys before the role was attributed to them.

Oh my god. This is so on target it brought me to tears. It feels like the worst betrayal and isolation and the gaslighting had me thinking I was the narc and questioning myself even with all the history!

When my sister came from Ghana no one knew her, including myself. She was a perfect stranger. She hated me before even meeting me. Short time she had the whole family as flying monkeys. The positive side of her coming to the U.S. is now I know I never truly had a family. Narcissist can really expose the ugly inside of people. The family I knew my whole life, I never really knew. The narcissist will make you feel like you are in a horror movie. If you ever watched the movie the bad seed, well you are watching my sister. She was that little girl.

This is why there are so many lawsuits filed against Corporations. There are many Narcissist in Human Resources. H.R is there to protect the company and not the Employees.

Siblings =flying monkeys in my case. No matter what I had done for them.

The hard part was when my small children were used as flying monkeys. It is so easy to take advantage of young minds ♥

Thank you for this. Not everyone sees this or understands unless they have experienced it. Thank you for validating that its okay to walk away from these people who probably never really valued you to begin with.

Dr Ramani! Just when I think I have a firm grasp on narcissistic abuse, I watch your videos and get a much more in depth understanding of what is happening to me. You help me cope. Thank you!

Go Gray Rock on Flying Monkeys. Treat as if they don't matter to you. Be in your POWER always.

I've seen too many narcissists at play. It is a scary thing to behold. This series of your is excellent Dr Ramani, how you break down each aspect in such clear detail. The real killer of it all is how skilled the narcissist is at always ensuring their reputation stays in tact. If words can't save the day, watch the tears flow from nowhere. Instant sympathy for them and you the victim becomes the monster in the room. Lives are being destroyed by them. The worst is when they are in a position of power 🙏🏻

This is just perfect. I once had a friend who introduced me to her circle of friends and family. And when I started to uncover who she was, she went around telling them LIES about me. I was hurt and angry about it. But, I also remembered she used to tell me things about other people when she fell out with them. So I blamed myself a whole lot for being an initial enabler.

I moved somewhere, and unknowingly moved in with a narcissist. They bad mouthed me all over town before I had the chance to meet anyone and made everybody think I was a liar and scammer when things went south and I reached out for help. It was the most bizarre and upending three years of my life. Just left it and am still working to get back my sanity.

Exactly. My Ex was telling everyone that I was suicidal. I had a big life insurance policy. Then he stole my registered gun. That's when I had to leave. I felt he was going to stage a suicide.

I wish I had known more about this 4 years ago before I foolishly called out my inlaws for their abuse of my husband and I. The smear campaign and flying monkeys are awful. Only later did I realize the mlignant and covert narcissists I was dealing with. Id love to hear more about narcissitic family systems in conjunction with addictions.

im so grateful of my best friend who believed me, and didnt invalidate my stories with the narc. She and dr Ramani helped me see the light 🥺

You make me feel less alone and stop doubting myself. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani.

It’s excruciating when the narcissist turns your children into FM, even after they witnessed the narcissist’s bad behavior.

Can’t believe how textbook my family was and still is; the fact that this behavior can be identified with terms is so amazing! I will never put down psychology/social work/therapy again what a healing tool

I felt like I was going crazy, so thank you for this! I've had a really bad gut feeling for months and was honest to my friends' circle and was shunned and guilt tripped for "hurting" the friend. I couldn't shake the bad feeling and really tried.

Gossip feeds people and they love it when others are the focus of attention. Not one of his minions ever had any remorse for what they did to me, and I don't want nor do I need their apologies. They are as bad as him, in my opinion, because they were very quick to believe the absolute worst in me from just one person's word.

It’s even worse when the flying monkeys are narcissistic too😔 I used to be gaslighted by my ex and his friends that I feel I am the one being awkward, But it turns out I was trapped in a mad house. Or a circus🤷‍♀️

Thank you for the education. It's so subtle. I just realised that someone in my social sphere was victimised by a narcissist yesterday. I am going to reach out to her, correct the confusion and tell her that I recognise it.

How I wish you was around when I was growing up. My mother was my narcissist and she used my friends and her own family and friends as Flying Monkeys. By the time I was 32 years old I thought I was crazy. I went to therapy and starting journaling. It helped tremendously. I'm now 63 years old and still journaling to this day. I'm doing so much better in my thinking and life. Help is out there. You just gotta find it. It's worth it. Thank you Dr Ramani

I swear this happened to me at every job I've worked at. They can sense codependents and empaths right away. Thus making you the ideal target. These places hate truthers. Before I found out about NPD, I would always question why does this always happen to me.

This sadly is why quarantine is not that new to me. Yet, my insecurities aren’t contagious. My heart is going out to families and individuals that are going through these dark and scary times. Stay strong 💪

Thank you Dr. Ramani! You are saving lives. Massive blessings to you & anyone reading this!

Oh my gosh. I’m surrounded by flying monkeys so many in my congregation. My narc husband started his vicious smear campaign when I was first diagnosed w bipolar 2 but thankfully have been blessed w stability w wonderful therapy n effective meds That was 30 years ago n he continues to paint me so mentally diseased I’m too sick to make decisions which believe it or not all his flying monkeys believe him and feel HE is the VICTIM This is one of the best and most eye opening video I’ve ever watched and will watch over n over I have so much to learn and I do need to start making new friends cuz all of them are on his side n r becoming enemies of mine which has shocked n hurt me beyond words. Thank you

This was the most insidious part of the narcissist's influence. My situation was made more vulnerable because of the disparity in how often the narcissist would hang around with our mutual acquaintances at the local bar and how often I would. He was there every day, and my appearances were weekly or every two weeks or more. Additionally I am a much more low-key person, and he is boisterous and gabby. So as a result of these factors, there was a vacuum for the narcissist to fill with his own narrative about me. Slowly it seemed to me that people came to see me the way the narcissist saw me or modeled as the way to see me. Frustrating. The rule I learned was, When a narcissist realizes he/she cannot control you, they will then try to control how people see you. And the damage is insidious, frustrating, and disheartening for how seemingly easily influenced people can be.

Oh yeah. I've experienced this. Many times from the narcissist in my life. I learned that these "flying monkeys" weren't friends in the first place.

Wow! I was just considering explaining my case to one person involved, and I wondered if it would be helpful or pointless. You just answered my question. I thought the same thing. If they were concerned with my truth, they would have come to me about it. 💙🙏🏾

Of ALL your videos (which are Rich with eye opening things ) THIS one by far is my favorite. You've just validated my experience with my family/extended family that has thrown me under the proverbial bus for YEARS and YEARS. No wonder I moved 1500 miles away from every single one of those cretins. Unfortunately I came back 3 years ago. I needed..NEEDED to see the n mother exposed before MY eyes. Especially after my father passed. He was her supply, her kicking dog. And unfortunately, she's trying to fill that void with me. I'm planning my escape. No contact. I'm done with her and her minions/flying monkeys

My Covert Sister tried to Triangulate me against my Stable Sister and I said to her “I have to suspend my opinion until I hear both sides.” Then she started to backpedal.

It’s bad though when you’re the child of said narcissist and this happens. I actually call those people her “minions”. I feel like I have no one and that can be tough at times. Thankfully, if you’re not for me, you got to go. No one is spared at this point; I matter and only have one life to live!!!

It’s been over 24 years since my divorce and I’m only now starting to understand what happened to me. He went after my family and best friends and anyone who I was close to. I just couldn’t imagine doing that to another human being. My parents snapped back at him and put him in his place but I lost several friends in the mess. His abuse continued and poured over into parental alienation and working at destroying my daughter’s reality about me. She’s still suffering from the craziness years later! Thank you for your insight, it’s helping me heal.

Dr. Ramani so on point! Thank you for doing this series. My ex is a malignant psychopathy narcissist. He would fool everybody including therapist. He even bearded me and threatened me in front of a police man and he did nothing! When he got released from prison for a horrible crime the female judge attacked me! You just can't make this up

My ex narc has begun trying to hoover me.... I’ve found that FMs often are clueless they are being used. They aren’t really “in on it”....they actually think they’re being helpful to a “good guy”. It’s both sad and amusing.

They become even worse than the narcissist!!!

Wow! This was super super helpful to me. I LOVED my wives family. I was married for 35 years and would do anything for them and actually did. Not out of duty first, I actually loved them. When my wife left me with no discussion at all, ALL of her (my) family suddenly stopped talking to me as if I was jack the ripper or someone to be very afraid of! Until now(10 years later) I didn't even think I was married to a Narcissists. You described the super isolation I felt and still feel. Because of you, I can now give myself permission to make new friends. Even I thought good loving people like my wife's side of the family couldn't all be wrong about me. I must be someone really bad in some pretty important way. I could never ever explain this in a million years and you did it in 23 minutes. Wow, I feel like trying to live again! I wish I knew what you just said 10 years ago. I'm actually better now! As a man, I need to understand things and connect the dots so things make sense. I never could do that. You just did it Dr. Ramani.

I recently went thru this scenario. One monkey raised an allegation that put my job and reputation on the line, I had to lawyer up. Thanx to God answering my prayers I was vindicated. Soon the narcissist quit, the monkeys disbanded, but the haters remained. What few secret supporters I had were damaged as well. I no longer associate with those who took part, trust is gone. At times I feel isolated but keep trucking. I know things are getting better and this has left me stronger,wiser and more discerning, Good job Dr Ramini.

Best thing I ever did was block all my narcissist's phone calls and messages.

This is exactly what's going on with me. So crazy making.

13:00 I had never spoken the word “narcissism”, myself…until, at the age of 48, a narcissist joined the family. Ugh! These videos keep me sane. Thank you!

great material, i've recently had the wool removed from my eyes. Now I see that a close family member is indeed a narcissist with no regard for boundaries

My husband has groomed my daughters since they were teenagers, to believe that I’m mentally ill. There’s nothing I can do to change this narrative. It’s so hurtful, especially when they always defend their father. Yes, I see a therapist, but not because I’m broken but trying to heal the hurt, from all the pain my husband has caused in my life. My husband and I are now separated.

"Everything has to happen on my schedule" my entire TRUTH has been stolen from ME by my family members I thought they were going to support...ME.

This happened to me in my previous job. When I later got hold of my personal file it was full of lies about how bad I was at my job. At the end I couldn’t even get out of bed. It took me a full 18 months to even begin to recover from this gaslighting. As for narc gossip, go and talk to them yourself. It’s the adult thing to do, I totally agree. Or another way of putting it is, mind your own business, not someone else’s.

Just want to say thank you Dr. Ramani! You saved my life ! I wouldn’t make it through this far with out ur supportive and knowledgeable videos. Thank you! Thank you!

SOOOOO true. Sadly, no little child, being brought up by a vicious, sadistic narcissist has ANY possible hope of working out the convoluted manipulation and abuse and the results on the child are catastrophic and can take a lifetime to recover from - if ever.

FM’s are lacking maturity, in site and self confidence in themselves. They just picked the wrong group to hang with so they aren’t the victim.

Affirming my paranoia. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I feel like this channel is a schizophrenic break from reality. Almost like I made it up in my mind to affirm my paranoia. Much of it is due to the sheer surrealism of this topic.

You are God sent! I was losing my sanity , the essence of my being completely destroyed and confused. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I genuinely appreciate you ! I pray and hope I can get through this with a little damage as possible

It is a HORRIBLE thing to happen when the narc gets flying monkeys to do their evil bidding. This has happened to me, and I get occasional calls from people who I thought were friends, but got turned by the narc. They will send random text messages or call to “check up” on what I’m doing. It broke my heart when I realized that these people were so easily swayed. They were actually never true friends. It is DEVASTATING when it happens to you!😢

I think that this is also what happens in families when one child becomes the scapegoat. They get blamed and become the focus as a locus for blame of problems. However this is a sad predicament bc it is like a form of psychological slavery for the child-the other children and even the spouse all conspire against one child who may have either vulnerabilities or even more character. They may be brave enough to confront the narcissist. Or they may have qualities the narcissist is threatened by or is jealous of. Whatever serves them. The child is sacrificed to the ritual of service to the dynamic of the role that serves them. And the child’s life is ultimately destroyed. The other family members are like wolf packs or have wolf mentalities and prey upon the weaker ones without actually reflecting on the dysfunction

This is so relatable and everyone here makes me feel validated. in my experience, when I finally found out what the person and his flying monkeys are doing... invading my online privacy then made it known to them that I know. Thinking back, they've been reacting to some videos that make them seem like they do seem worried. But most of the time It's the videos they react most from that really make them creeps. It's what made me think a lot if it was really coincidences or not. Something just didn't sit right with me. One of them said it was because they're worried and want to help me. But it was still wrong for me. I wanted to believe them and I was denying so much that the longer I stay, I was getting too overwhelmed. That I just... shut down because I think I was not trusting my gut that something isn't right for so long and keep telling myself that it's just coincidences. And the thought that I was really right made me shut down. So I still told them I'm ok, they don't need to worry and I have to distance myself from them. They all got mad and hurt and turned me into the bad person. I was shocked, terrified and knew something really is wrong already.... It felt like my NPD hunch was right. It was devastating and I don't know what to do. I knew I had to leave them as soon as possible. But my denial stage took long enough so I went back, I didn't want to label them as NPD and FMs. It was hard to let go. I was telling myself they might just be hurt because they've been through a lot and most probably have been betrayed a lot and just going through someone's private account makes them know if they have to trust someone or not, etc... I know, it was dumb of me to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's just that I've always thought that invading someone's privacy is just wrong and you don't have to explain to someone how wrong it is, most especially to them that already have their privacy invaded before. So why did they do it? Are my other accounts safe? Is my phone safe? Is my house's privacy safe? How about my loved ones? What have I done? How about the others that don't know? How many more from that community are they invading? So many thoughts, so many thoughts... I can't even look at articles or posts about NPD because it's triggering me already at the thought that I've encountered another one. And to think that they might be NPD and flying monkeys make everything else they did a lie. And I can't even tell it to anyone because if they only know who these people are. Who would even believe me? They'll most probably believe them. The only thing that made me fully let go was the thought of I only loved the masks, but not the person underneath it. After fully letting go, that's when the healing process started.. I was getting lighter and better as days goes by. It's not the 'better' like I'm already happier. I just do feel better and lighter day by day in my own way even when at times there is sadness, at times when there is fear and anxiety, at times when I miss them or a day that is just difficult. Though at the present I don't think of them as much. The feelings are either lost or still in the process of losing it. I don't know, I just honestly feel empowered and proud that I've moved on from them and celebrating it as a victory for myself. It's just recently that I'm much more expressive about this online, and it truly helps in healing too. But yeah, lesson learned too.. because I know at some point in my life , I became a flying monkey too.

Yep it’s exactly what happens in a toxic workplace … literally multiple layers of betrayal - loved the references to me as being “defensive” as though it were a character defect on my part. I’m like Yes I’m being attacked and undermined constantly so yea I’m feeling “defensive” fighting for my job near end of career and my psychological well being. It was a living Nightmare. I’m still traumatized.

When it comes to dealing with flying monkeys, it’s all about addition by subtraction... The flying monkeys MUST go... ALL of them... Without complete separation from the flying monkeys, you’ll never be able to completely separate yourself from the narcissist... The flying monkeys will tell the narcissist everything... and I mean EVERYTHING. This, however, can be quite difficult to accomplish in a family or workplace setting, but MUST be accomplished to the greatest extent humanly possible.

You nailed it, how they use gossip. Thank you.

I could hear to you talking about this topic 24/7... Thank you Ramani!

I’ve already had that happen and I stood my ground. The thing is they want their victim to react so that the victims behavior will be noted as being out of control. I still feel I have a right to my feelings.