A how-to from Dr. Ken Adams on helping a relationship in which one partner is enmeshed with their parent or family. Visit www.overcomingenmeshment.com for more information and help.
If there is anybody watching this video who might be getting pushed back from their spouse because of this, I'm warning you right now deal with your relationships with your family. It will ruin your marriage and your relationship with your kids if you don't. It will also ruin any future relationships that you have.
What if the adult child can’t admit their is a problem? The enmeshment I live with is very deep rooted because we live next door to my husbands parents on a family farm and he runs his fathers business, pays their bills and even added his name to the loans his dad took out when he gave money to his brothers to start business ventures that failed. He voluntarily is sucked into all the family drama and in my opinion enables them. All while some of his other adult siblings still are sponging off the parents. It’s so stressful.
I feel your pain, I am in a similar situation, family business with only one income for both households, which wasn't the plan at all at first, basically just had our first kid, and Mother in law claims that our old house is to cold for the baby (we moved into their old house when they bought a new house, didn't know how enmeshed wife was at the time) so same house that was perfectly fine when her parents raised her and her sister is to cold for our new girl. With influence wife guilted into staying in the new house but somehow there isn't room in the house for me, so I asked for a key to come over in the morning, mother in law said that was to stressful for her she needs time to relax and said I can only come over from 1pm till 9 pm to see my new born baby the icing on the cake is everyone knows even my mother in law that I work for the family business from noon till 10pm. Tried talking to father in law about it and was just excuses that women need their space and babies sleep for a long time that i dont need to my baby plenty of time to see her later, finally after burning out all his excuses he told me to beg my mother in law for more time, because they are helping us out and we should be grateful. The only reason we went to do the family business is they claimed they make 300k a year and wanted to grow the business more. All of this is in a different country, I moved from my origin country into a situation where i cant do anything and the money is controlled by my spouse and her parents I don't have access to even go to grocery shopping by myself, I get a food card for a local gas station. I try to bring up the problem and no one thinks there is a problem.
This was where I had to end it. The generational denial runs deep and eventually the common denominator of all his relationship issues will hit him in the face. Or maybe not because the whole family enforces how perfect he is and does no wrong 🤣😂
My husband ( now ex husband ) mother and agents throughout our 20’year marriage provoked these behaviors every contact. When his dad passed , his enmeshed mother and agents demonized him and abducted and kidnapped our children in 2017 and have kept and withheld our children from me , their mom. Our children now being parented now polar opposite of how we were raising our children. Against my wishes. Our handicapped daughter being traumatized and kept from me, her mother. The enmeshed mother has gone above and beyond pathogen behavior. This is Psychological Trauma Abuse to our family and our children. This goes beyond mentally ill. In addition the enmeshed mom and family pathogens have addictive behaviors and bully anyone who doesn’t believe like they do. My children’s childhood has been destroyed and their childhood traumatized and they have missed four years of my life and I have missed four years of their lives. Sadly the courts have been no help they too are dysfunctional.
Thank you for sharing Dr. Adams! Your books helped me so much to get out of the chaos i always went through when i‘ve been in a romatic relationship. Your work made me see many things clearly. It gave me the right vocabulary to name these hard to grasp, very abstract systemic dynamics which prevented me to fully individuate and have mature and healthy relationships. Not just healthy romantic relationships, healthy relationships in general, even the relationship to my self became nourishing. Your work is brilliant and highly recommendet. Hope to see more content from you on youtube.
I so wish you would do a video specific to the father daughter CEI dynamic, and how that can affect the grown girl later! Your work has been SO hugely important for me, but I'm sad that there is so little of it focussing on daddy's girls.
life hurts so much trauma so much suffering I cry out to you, Jesus heal me from this heartache and despair dissolve this rage and grief I can no longer bear the darkness
Your book is what shed light on what I was dealing with in my first marriage. My ex husband was married to his mother. He wouldn't hardly even live with me. He told her everything, and they together treated me like a joke. He made me feel like something was wrong with me for thinking we should have a partnership where we put each other first. Before we were married I'd be lucky to see him twice a week. After we got married he drove all the way to his mother's house every single day. He never missed a day. He told me himself, his family came first and always would. We got married because I thought things would get better. We didn't live together prior to marriage. I left no stone unturned. I'm remarried now and fortunately my husband is the most independent of his siblings. His mother fakes illness and treats her sons like they are the husbands and are to be her caretakers, and has also financially abused them all. She loved me at first but as time has gone on and my husband has said no to certain things I have promptly become the enemy. My husband luckily sees this based on his actions. He has started to admit it aloud at times as well when I've noted disturbing things within the family (such as the mother putting so much guilt on the sons to take care of her, and the lengths she goes to do so... her husband is still in the picture for one thing.) These videos are so important, I am happy to have found your channel to learn of more ways to navigate this, especially as my MIL continues to age (she is only in her 50s... acts like she is elderly and disabled) and in turn her antics have gotten more shameless. There have also been times when one of his siblings has acted on behalf of the mother to try and get my husband to do as she wanted.
Hello, Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. Enmeshment is difficult for not just the individual, but the partner as well. I have tried to create as many resources for partners-including a workshop specifically designed for partners as well as an educational workshop for therapists. To learn more or to find a therapist in your area that has experience in enmeshment, please visit our website: overcomingenmeshment.com
How likely is it for mother enmeshed men to cut the cord? My husband admits he is enmeshed with his family, but does not see how he is enmeshed with his mother. We are separated now. Never had intimacy, he just sort of made excuses and avoided me from soon after we married and I moved in with him. We lived a mile from his parents in their townhouse. His mom called every day and they would just walk over and stop by unannounced, even just come in using their key. They laughed at me (including my husband) when I expressed my discomfort. We had no agency to make the townhouse a home, and honestly my husband didn’t even help me move in, let alone talk about making the place our own; he would even stop me from calling the plumber and other routine things because he said he needed to call his dad first. Got into a nasty verbal beat down when the heat went out in the dead of winter and I brought it up to him saying we needed to get it fixed. He would take his anger out on me in the way his father does to his mother (belittling, mocking, cold, mean, gaslighting, yelling) and it would come out of ‘nowhere’. In the beginning I fought back, but after a while it just wears you down. I just got so depressed and cry all the time. Like his own mother. It’s really….anyway. He has since admitted he treats me worse when he spends time with them, but instead of limiting his time he got closer. I can’t believe it. I feel like that is clear indication of a choice being made. We have never spent a holiday together, but this Christmas he promised me and then changed his mind last minute. They were angry that he was going to ‘ruin’ Christmas, by spending it with his wife. Anyway, I could go on, but it’s been a battle. I try to be compassionate and understanding, but it’s hard when you’re being treated like shit. Especially if it seems like the individual has already made their choice. So, he’s been in therapy for 6 months, which I understand isn’t that long, he’s made some changes, has accepted his family enmeshment, but hasn’t accepted his special enmeshment to his mother. Before this most chaotic and toxic holiday season happened, his mother confided in him about the abuse she had been receiving from his father, and how his adult sister (who lives with them) was putting him mom down too (triangulation thing). He know this triggered him causing him to increasingly lash out at me, but he doesn’t yet accept the reason why it triggered him and why he chose to lash out at ME. He is really in denial about the seriousness of the mother enmeshment. For me after another day being emotionally abused and left in tears it was enough and I am not living with him nor speaking with him (I had already moved out in Spring due to an extreme incident). So I guess I’m wondering how likely it is that anything will come of his therapy. I used to believe in anything. Not I believe in very little. But I wish things were different. Is it to much to ask for a consistent husband who treats you with kindness and respect? Isn’t it basic for any type of relationship? Anyway I didn’t get married to be a scapegoat. Your video sound so nice but it seems like it assumes both parties are on board and wanting to work as a team. My husband and I have never really been a team, but I would like to. How likely is it that he can change? He was isolated totally from those beside his family till age 6. Is there hope?
I have been married to a man like this and it's been 30 years of nonsense with his mother. Even nearly three years of physical separation both before and during this pandemic hasn't stopped the intrusive, persistent, and inappropriate contact. They don't change. What happens is YOU change. You get tired of it. Really tired. You let his mother have him and you become disgusted with him, her, and your marriage. 💩
This is the next step . As a first step they have to realise that they are mother enmeshed man. I feel making them to realise this is highly difficult especially as a spouse. Can you give some tips on how to make them realise their problem. Even in your Book when he married to his mom, I couldn't find this part.
Thank you so much for this video! It's the "agents of the mother" in my case. It's the sister and brother who are boundary busters having been taught how by the mother. And, if my husband resists the enmeshment/get-back-in-line move, the mother steps in to apply parental pressure to continue the inappropriateness between the siblings. 😕
@@drkenadams Hi Ken. Yes we did. I' saw you last at a conference you did. I was working then in the field of substance addiction's and had alot of sexual abuse and enmeshed clients . I didn't know it was you doing the conference and was pleasently suprized. I'm worried about giving my number out on this but email is bonello.mark@yahoo.com. I hope you and yours are well. Sending peace. Mark.
Wow, this hurts so much...I thought this was FINALLY gonna address what if I'm still trapped in a deeply enmeshed toxic "mother"/son relationship, as in still living together...yet another giant "FUCK YOU" to me. Am I truly the only person in the whole world who at 38 has still not yet even been able to move away from the enmeshed toxic so called "mother"??
@PtrPanzer Yeah...I really need to be more kind and understanding with myself, I'm working on it...sometimes I have more harsh words for me than this lady. I don't even know if I love myself or not, I definitely feel like I don't. I have a little dog, whenever I tell him I love him, I feel nothing...I don't even know if I mean it or not.
@PtrPanzer Damn, I'm so sorry I haven't replied back yet...youtube is so screwy with their reply notifications. Sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't...I so wish I had a friend to call like that, I have nobody at all. I'm 38 and I've been excruciatingly painfully single, pretty much friendless and extremely painfully alone my entire life. 😖😖😖 Can you relate to that any PLEASE?...but yes, I'm formerly religious, forced into from birth on up without a choice as most of us sadly are by pure evil design. It's played a major role in my traumas that are still severely impacting me now. Took me years to break those chains off, NEVER again...but yes, I definitely consider myself spiritually minded now, yes.
Do you have any videos on the enmeshed son, whose mother has passed I suspect some men, assume that once the mother passes this ends. I have found that my husband feels like it is his duty and job to make sure I am always happy, and when I am not happy, he feels terribly stressed And I suspect starts to resent me because he has too much on his plate, or so he feels. I’m having a particularly challenging year with a lot of losses, including a career, and I have not been myself for a while, and he has been unhappy and distant, because he can’t seem to help me. I am helping myself, I just know this is not going to be an overnight fix . I’ve been looking for any type of information online about how it could affect a husband or partner long term, especially after the death of the parent.
Can you do a video on mother daughter emeshment , I am now divorce & my mom lives with me she’s 84, doesn’t drive & I am now her caretaker basically, she has health problems but is mobile & can do for herself during the day for the most part. I am just finishing cancer treatment for myself, & she still unconsciously guilts me, & puts so much pressure on me for everything. I now fear for my own health & what it is doing to me, & have thought about placing her somewhere like assisted living, but it would wipe her out financially ? Help
Oh dear. Don’t stress yourself out. Your health is the priority. If you’re not well, then you can’t care for her. Yes, an assisted living will take her money but this is the reality many older folks have to face. I don’t know what state you live in but once she’s out or finds, she may qualify for Medicaid depending on state rules. She’s 84. She doesn’t need to hold on to her money anymore. She has to use her money to pay for her care because you can’t do it all. This is the reality for anyone of advanced age.
I believe my partner is not only enmeshed with his family but to a very abusive ex who has been very vocal in the enjoyment she gets from the control she has through manipulation of the kids. Is that possible? Is there a cure for that?
Hi Nainika, throughout our time hosting enmeshment workshops, we have worked with a variety of cultures! We have worked with hundreds of men and women from around the world. If you are interested in learning more about the resources we provide, please visit overcomingenmeshment.com or email dradamsworkshops@gmail.com.
This is such a fundamental part of Indian culture especially with the eldest son. I couldn’t help but notice the deep enmeshment my boyfriend had with his mother and to him it was just normal and expected in his world. The expectations placed on the eldest son is like a life sentence of servitude and sacrifice for the entire family for the rest of their life and they believe it is their calling/Karma to work it out and fulfill this role in their lifetime. So much more complex than say someone who’s dealing with enmeshment with their mother in the US which is by and large acknowledged as toxic and unhealthy.
I have this problem with my boyfriend younger sister. He’s been taking care of her all her life she is now 30 with a 10 year old can’t keep a job. She feels like the other women 😢 so codependent idk what to do
