How to Know When To Speak up & Address an Issue 

This is really helpful for someone like me who was raised not just to be submissive, but to be silent - not to have an opinion or feelings about anything. Nothing that I thought was valid. This toxic passivity has shown up in all areas of my personal and professional life and has contributed to the ruining of many relationships and the loss of numerous career opportunities. Thank you for this informative and affirming content.

Sometimes silence isn’t always golden.❤

Thank you for acknowledging that not all relationships are open to honesty, that is rare.

I admire people who can confront but not burn the bridges. Ive always struggled with it. The thing about recognizing effort is useful for me aswell . Just got your Steps to Self Trust presentation Julia. Thank you . great video

Everyone wants an open and honest relationship.

sending love and support to all. have a beautiful day everybody! xo

This is extremely helpful. The last guideline is one I am struggling with in regard to my MIL. Speaking up I have a 50/50 chance of her reacting poorly or calming up altogether. I have experienced 35 years of cycles of nice and nasty, with most recently the cycles of nasty being quite long and very brief cycles of not nasty (but not really nice either). I have been conditioned over the years to just have little to no expectations when it comes to her and my FIL. My sister-in-law is planting seeds in our MIL's head that when it comes to the time she cannot live independently, that she should move in with her son, my husband and I. I just don't want her negativity and negative energy in my home. I have actually told my SIL, point blank "that will never happen and I don't want her bad energy in my home." My SIL has also told her in the distant past that she needs to be nice to me because I am a nurse and I will likely be the one that chooses her nursing home.

Everything you say makes sense Julia.

I like the strategies about not letting people speak to us disrespectfully and disengaging. This happens to me often.

Thank you for helping me to understand the nature of standing up for yourself. Over the years I have sometimes been too nice. Sometimes too shy.

I’m a conflict avoider Julia.

Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here! Thank you for this video on this topic! One of my takeaway is your 5th point about acknowledging thr process and not always just the outcome. I can use that to encourage others but also to remind myself when I am trying to accomplish something and I can be proud of the things I am in control (focus, determination, dedication...etc...and not always the outcome. I do have my notes, however, I am little confused as your title says 9 rules, However, I only counted 8?? Here are my notes: 1.Time to speak up when you know you are going to regret not saying anything. 2.When you are abandoning your own comfort in order to preserve someone else's. 3.When something has been eating at you for days: (partner makes some kind of comment.e.g. Eating habits, outfit, cleaning preferences…etc) Time to say something. 4.When you want to avoid conflict and just let things build up and then you end up spewing out, instead, address the things as they come up. 5.When saying something can help (for ourselves and others). (Compliment things a person is in control: Their effort, dedication, focus, and determination… and not always the outcome.) 6.When the relationship is open to honesty. (Some people are not open to honesty) Be honest if you know it will make the relationship better. 7.When you are being hurt (When someone is intentionally cruel or unkind and hurtful...etc.) Time to tell them to STOP. "Please stop. I don't like this and if you don't, I will remove myself from the conversation and situation. You are not treating me well. This is not okay with me…" 8. When you need to get it out but not expecting any particular response. (Sometimes you can actually write a letter to someone, but you have too many expectations, it may be better just to write it but don't actually send it or say anything to the person) Verbalize your own thoughts and feelings about the past like a journal.

They all make perfect sense

Everyone wants to speak and feel heard.❤

Hi Julia! Shift Society "graduate" here! I just want to say to anyone who is interested in joining the Shift Society, it's so worth it!! 😁 Julia, I am really interested in your Speak and Feel Heard course! Speaking up for myself is an area I still need to work on. I also wanted to thank you again for telling me about NVC (non-violent communication). I'm currently in a similar membership community where we are learning how to practice NVC, and like the Shift Society, it's been extremely helpful for my relationships and mental health!!

I’m really close with my sisters too Julia.

Getting anxious just thinking about speaking up 😢

With me it’s perfectly ok for someone to treat me like garbage but when I stick up for myself and politely state my opinion, the person can’t handle it and they get nasty. It’s hard speaking up but it also makes you feel better!!!

This was all super helpful! I feel like it's only been in the last couple years that I've even learned that I HAVE a voice and it's been a process learning how to use it!

My nephew Owen plays soccer just like your daughter Hadley does Julia.

I admire your daughter’s dedication to soccer Julia and that she’s encouraged by her teammates.

I often as a Deaf Woman felt like I am a problem or "loves" to cause a problem or pick a fight whenever I had to say something. Maybe I didn't say it properly. Often he/she will say, What now? What's your problem? I have nothing to do with you! And more bullying sayings. I often clammed up. This vlog is really helpful! TY

I’m happy that your daughter Hadley really puts forth the effort in playing soccer and her persistence Julia.

I was always afraid to say anything to my ex-friend Becky Keena Julia because I was afraid it would set her off and that she would take it the wrong way.

I don’t want someone making a joke at my expense Julia.

I have found being labeled a people pleaser a Wallflower I don't like conflict and really what it is is having to deal with other people's moods and their suppressed conflict with me so your advice is taking a deep breath and communicating at that realization of the conversation to solve the matter I find it helps the other person that's in Conflict if there's anything I can do to help how can we resolve this at the point of the conflict

Thank you for your Guidance , as a person who has been in advance situations this helps a lot . 2024 is going to be different I am gradually learning to set boundaries . This is not an overnight change and I hope and pray that anyone going through difficulties that you overcome the challenge of not using your voice .

I’m pretty new here and learning to find my voice and put myself first in a healthy way. This was very helpful. I’m looking in to your master class. Thank you for your helpful videos!

I did speak up for myself. And was summarily condemned for doing so.

Glad your feeling better. Connected a lot of areas. Sit or stand wherever you like. Treat yourself to the comforter if you want. I’m glad you stopped by for a bit, starts the weekend on a good note. 😁

I needed this a lot. I still live with my parents and I wanted to talk to them about my anxiety because of their insecure relationship with each other. My father is judgmental and struggles with a lot of insecurities and sometimes reacts angrily on even small and innocent issues. I feel my mother resents him often and I feel bad for her because I think she gives up her wants to avoid upsetting my dad. I am afraid my dad will react if I speak up and I also want to talk to my mom if she is repressing her dreams and if she is feeling resentment but too nervous of bringing in more uncomfortable emotions. This is going to take a lot of work building confidence within myself

A good subject that I need to put into my life more, speak up! Great video Julia 😀😀

The only one that causes me some confusion is about when something feels inappropriate. Years ago a therapist said I had borderline personality disorder, and in reading about it it implies that we overreact, take things too personally, misunderstand people's words and actions, get things twisted, etc. So as a result I tend to doubt what I feel and think and never sure when I"M the one being inappropriate for saying something. It's like, don't trust your gut because due to your illness, your gut is probably wrong!

Thank you! 🙂

Always awesome to liste n andcwatch your videos

Thank you. I shared this with two sisters and a friend. I liked when you need to get it out an expectation of the response. My world is getting bigger.

All good advice ❤

Great info Thanks for sharing.

Yes honesty is integrity youll get mo respect

Hello Julia!

Hi Julia. Thanks for this topic. It's one I often have trouble with.

👍 thanks. I agree with you 💯

Thank You 😊

Thank you Julia.

Omg julia thanks this topic was on my mind

Wonderful video as always! Thank you!

Hello! Another great topic!

thank you so vey much

This is fabulous advice

Hello Julia, wonderful to see you again friend!!! I was thinking about this yesterday actually lol, you are a mind reader!!!

What a wonderful video I really enjoy it. Thank you

You are so good

the part about being praised for outcomes leading to us believing our value comes from our results is huge. Thank you for that. I know so many people (including myself at times) who fall into this belief pattern.

Speak and be heard. 👏 👏

The biggest thing for me is when I know I'm right when someone is saying I did something or didn't do something it upsets me it's hard for me to let it go because I feel I'm being said I'm something that I'm not. I know I need to just shut up sometimes and I'm working on that. To just let things roll off😊 and not worry about it

Do other people push things under the rug because they doubt themselves and their account of the issue? Like, sometimes, when people snap at me or say something to me that I don’t like, my intuition speaks to me, but I guess I’ve gotten accustomed to not listening? I’ll feel offended, hurt or attacked at something someone said or did, and I’ve realized that it takes me time to process and reflect on what happened and to realize that I was being mistreated in a situation. If I ever address what happened, it’s usually later on. Does anyone else struggle with that?

Hello! Thank you for the great info.......this is my first time leaving a comment.

This video was so helpful! Do you have any videos that talk about how to deal with the silent treatment from a partner? I would love insight into that. Thank you for all you do to help people work through the crap in this messy world 💛

❤ I really enjoy listening to Julia and really putting all my attention to what she is addressing. Without my own interpretations of my thoughts. It’s the most helpful therapy I have ever experienced. Thank you Julia!!

Thank you Julia, first time watching you. Very clear and present. For ,e I often carry resentment and have issues that are not resolved with my brother. He’s a computer high level person and very cerebral and “ zen” unfeeling. It bothers me and he shares very little about his family and says little about anything i share. Just tired of trying to process internally. After this tape want to say something to be heard and learn to express myself. The rug is getting bumpy 🤣. Thank you again- Cliff

effort and process is more important than outcome - 👌

A question I have had my whole life explained and solved by the mark of 4:05. And then you have even more on the subject. :D Thank you so much!

Thank you Julia for addressing this topic. I have a friend who also prefers dishonesty and creates his own reality. I find that I guess what the truth could be but know guessing is not truth. I have to quietly set his boundaries because he has none.

Hi Julia, just found your channel and have subscribed. I really like that you present the information as a wise friend rather than a “jargony” therapist. The examples you give are very relatable. I was prepared for the very real possibility that I would be cast off by a sibling when I wrote a very respectful letter to let them know I couldn’t and wouldn’t continue to be their therapist/dumping ground for everything bad going on in their life. I wrote that letter in July 2021 and have been shrouded, spurned, cast off all because I said “hey, could we sometimes have a reciprocal relationship? Could we sometimes just talk about our gardens instead of how you think you might as well be dead?” (I’m paraphrasing but you get the idea I hope). It may not surprise you to know that the result of that letter was that I have been discarded. I finally drew my line in the sand and they didn’t want to take responsibility or consider how I might be getting mentally crushed by the the weight of their words and the frequency of these tirades. So I am now continuing to process the grief of losing a sibling who is out of my life. It’s not easy or simple, granted; but it’s much better than dreading the phone ringing, seeing the caller ID and knowing that by the end of yet another offloading, I’d again be covered in a big steaming pile of p00p. It’s hard to come to terms with acknowledging that my value to this person was only a place to vent, rage, yell, offload and dump but I know that given their unwillingness or inability to change, I’m better off having drawn the line and walked away.

True

Hello again Julia.

Hi, I am a regular; good to be here.

Julia, The comment to your parents about your daughters efforts rather just the outcome I would think you have learned that from them seeing how intelligent you seem to me. I somehow think we are who we are from learning from who we were brought up from childhood....

Hi, thanks for the video. Some really good points! As someone who does hold back and fester and stay silent over a very long time when I feel treated incorrectly and injustice happening to me and keep being open to these same people and giving them the benefit of the doubt and staying kind to them I feel like if I then do blow up, at least I do let go of all the felt injustice and finally speak up. I don't feel like that would be unfair towards them as they had been being unkind or dismissive to me over a long time. I fall prey to this behaviour with people I interact with but haven't yet got that very close relationship. In close relationships I like to address things directly because my believe is only a completely open relationship is worth it's while and therefor I don't hesitate expressing my feelings. As mentioned before, I have a difficulty expressing my feelings when I feel mobbed by people I interact with a lot but aren't that close too. Have you any thoughts on that? Best regards.

When I spoke up for myself after years, ppl concerned asked me if I had all that in my mind and saying things to hurt them after years. I didn't want to hurt anyone. But things went worse and finally I had to blurt out everything they did. Now they keep saying why I didnt confront us before.. please help how I should handle this

But also smart 🤓

I should have said something there and then yesterday

They all make sense BUT I can't think of responses as fast as you. I get tongue twisted or blank out....

Everyday

What if you tell someone, say your mom, that you don’t like something she said or her rolling her eyes and she says your too sensitive and need to get thicker skin???

The subtle changes in terminology is not lost on me. Sad to see the ideology creeping into every profession. Just speaking up.

👏🏼🌱Ty

What if someone has BPD and perceives everything to be an attack on them? It's hard to judge what is actually wrong or disrespectful and what is trauma perceiving the situation that way?

And it’s been eating away at me Julia

Is it a problem that I have no build up? Unfortunately I have the habit of just saying it how it is.. I forgive or forget mostly.

You can regret not speaking up or you can later regret the ongoing blow back that results from your speaking up. Tough choice! 🤔

What if you wanted to say something but you were silenced

Pick your battles. There are those who steal all the credit. Use your intuition. So speak up at times. The gender thing may be true but not for narc women.

And I’m ticked off by it

And I should have stopped it and prevented it

Still like you

Your halo is slightly skewed. 😉

I counted 7 things. Maybe I'm dumb or maybe the title ought to say 9, I'm not sure.

But I didn’t

And I feel uncomfortable because I feel that shouldn’t have happened

Your a rapper?

🎊 🄿🅁🄾🄼🄾🅂🄼

Them stealing

I know it’s weird huh

i showed satan respect i gave him 1/3 instead of 0 but at the same time its not 50/50 i gave God 2/3

Save some time! These videos are designed to sell a "masterclass" product and draw people in after she expertly explains commonly shared vulnerabilities.

Some of the things you say make me feel very uncomfortable.

great info.... but can you ever condense this to 15 or less? 30 min is way too bloated

Do all RU-vid channels require everyone to say the same types of intros? It gets old no offense