Really helpful vid. I am a recovering parentified man who didn't realise he still had an enmeshed family at the age of 45 ! But with this knowledge I'm striving to impose boundaries onto a boundary-less family unit. And recently I did. I was told by my mother that 'I don't think we'll want to talk to you ever again after this' which I was dumbfounded by since it was a very reasonable request. I called her out and said she was being very childish. I couldn't help it and couldn't stand back and 'let her have her reaction'. Next time I will try harder, but it's still difficult to hear such a response. Drawing boundaries seems to be very very difficult in a long-term entrenched enmeshment.
It is VERY difficult in entrenched enmeshment. It is a long-term process in which we must repeat and reinforce our boundaries over and over and over and it can be exhausting! It is not fair that this is the hand we were dealt, but it is the hand we were dealt and the only other alternative is remaining complacent in the enmeshment and in their dysfunction, and never living your own life. It is NEVER too late for self-differentiation to be worth it. In my view, you have many more decades of life and any differentiation work you do over the next few years will bring you greater levels of peace and joy for the second half of your life! As well, anyone who is important to you in your life that you have influence over - friends, partners, coworkers, community members, kids and grandkids if you have them - will benefit from your differentiation work. It has ripple effects. Society in general also benefits, especially from mother-enmeshed men who do differentiation work since it is such a common cultural trauma. You are helping to clear collective ancestral trauma for future generations by doing this work, so please do not underestimate the power of your efforts! As a fatherless daughter who wishes her 55 year-old absent father would start do this work now, so that his grandchildren could have a present grandfather, I THANK YOU!
@@deborahlara thank you Deborah. Yeah, I think it makes sense to me that we became enmeshed fully after we lost our Dad - I was 12 and my sister 14. We had no other family around and so my mother was left on her own to raise us (and grieve for her husband). Thankfully we had enough money to survive well enough but I did take on the given role of 'man of the house' and my mother did use me as a sounding board for her problems and her own upbringing. 30 years later I am married and there is tension around that but particularly seems to be a cultural issue since her current partner of 25 years has very different political beliefs. And they seem to have an undercurrent of 'comply or die' with their views of the world and ideologies. I have my own views yet they are questioned and so I have asserted boundaries to say 'I would really appreciate it if we please do not bring up political matters when we meet' and that has been refused and shut down. I suspect they think I am trying to control them -- however -- it shows me that there is a family system culture that doesn't tolerate differences in thinking. Even though I am a fully grown man. I also recognise that the 'protector' role that I played for my Mum after we lost Dad kicks in sometimes and I feel a responsibility to look after her in old age. Even though she is very fit and able. My wife is annoyed because I am in a very bad headspace after I speak to them and sometimes for days. I now have left it that I've cancelled our regular calls because I'm too busy and so we will have no contact unless my mother calls me. I'm already much happier but I need to 'hold' this feeling and not let the guilt seep in. As I always feel guilty about not seeing them. Anyway, thank you so much and your videos are excellent. And I am sorry about your father. Perhaps he also needs to watch your videos 😄
2 года назад
Your knowledge is so objective and practical that it seems that you have gone through a lot before figuring this all out. Congrats and thanks for sharing your expertise :)
Great explaining about why it is also important to know what your purpose is about. My journey of recovery from growing up in a toxic environment was lacking a firm idea of what lies beyond the struggles of setting firm boundries. Maybe acting a bit like that robot even. Just needed someone to explain. Thank you for addressing this concept.
Hi Olga! I'm so glad to hear that, it's why I make these videos. In hopes that it'll help someone at the right time. Thank you for listening and best of luck on your journey!
