That idea of allowing the discomfort and even pain to be present as you let yourself be there without wearing the social “mask,” it’s really, really powerful. After like 29 years of not ever feeling allowed to be openly myself without shame, I’m watching this and crying. Especially after socializing with new people yesterday, and letting them see tiny parts of my more vulnerable, true self without having to constantly dissociate. It’s terrifying, but on the other side of it it’s life-affirming. It makes you realize how prudent and knowledgeable you can be when leaving behind all of the false narratives about yourself perpetuated by family dysfunction and trauma.
"The bigger the gap is from the reality of what we're thinking and feeling, and how we're behaving; the more difficult communication becomes." That single piece of advice right there resonated with my core. It sent a ripple through my entire being. So simple, to engage in actions that align with your true feelings, yet so brave to enact!
my issue is not shame, but fear. i don't trust humanity to respect my authentic self. but a lot of the coping mechanisms are the same and these tips are really useful.
This!!! I’ve graduated from Patrick Teahan to Heidi University … bae and I are gonna start hosting watch parties featuring this healing content. Thank you. We’ve needed you for so long. We are so bruised out here.
wow, this was soooo helpful to me. I wonder if anyone else can relate, but I think this shows up in my consistently rewriting of texts/emails/comments. A friend texted me the other day, asking "how are you doing" and it took me all day to respond. ultimately, I ended up writing a chipper response, even though I've been going through a hard time. it's like a part of me feels like I owe everyone else a happy-go-lucky version of myself, a self that doesn't impose or burden anyone else. I now can see what kind of harm that does to my psyche. thank you, Heidi! so glad I found you!
You are definitely not alone in this! It's so great that you are able to recognize what's going on. You don't owe anyone a happy-go-lucky version! You be you ❤
I wonder if that's actually a fear of being rejected if in fact others do feel burdened bc otherwise what it actually does is takes away opportunities of growth and authentic connection from other people.
The concept of not being a savior to every interaction has really stuck with me and informed my behavior this week (I think it was from this video, but it could have been a different one). I have always been blaming myself when interactions with people don’t go well, and now that I have the concept of not being a savior I’m able to interpret interactions in a more neutral way - if I find someone awkward to talk to, it really doesn’t mean anything more than that! And it doesn’t really matter! There are lots of other people I find interesting and fun to talk to. Very freeing.
Realising I am using these videos to numb out and considering turning off and feeling stuff... but then feeling there's too many feelings right now and I don't have time. Also, been routinely avoiding a selection of feelings for so long, it's hard to know where to safely start
I don't trust that I can speak for my authentic self, I think they're in a coma and I can only guess what they would want, but I feel like I'm just going to get it wrong and upset them anyway.
Heidi, seriously... You could literally patent your playlist on attachment and healing, plus recommend that folks read widely on childhood trauma, narcissistic families, shame, nonviolent communication, etc, sell it and be like a billionaire. I'm just saying... 😊❤️💰
Yes, people are real and you can tell real fake ones. We are allowed to process emotions verbally with other people. We all need a few friends we can do that with. Speech and textual communication can be different for your audience, such as social communication, business communication, public communication. Emotions are signals and not weapons of abuse. We can be indifferent if we want and having to play a role for people is not healthy. We call that "Autism" it's when you are broken by those around you and life in fear if shame and uphold some rules with immediate defensive verbal aggression. If I "make you feel bad" that's some dumbass infant shit. Resolve your emotional meltdowns like a good autistic maybe you'll grow out of toddlerism aka Autism aka never growing out of the auts like one through ten years old) one day. Most adults can take in information and then make a conscious decision. ADHD is real, more extensive, more damaging, more important to have treated and then you have to like put effort in. Because yeah if you take stimulants you might still have ADHD and just move and act like a baby faster. So like meditate. Start deep breathing. Pay attention to your thoughts. Start questioning your assertions or assumptions. Children need support and are highly damaged by crap parenting, even if the information you throw back says it doesn't. Your kids end up like shit, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." The actions of your children are indirectly responsible for your treatment of them. They'll either become an abuser or maybe they can nurture people even when it's absolutely difficult because people are still abusive towards being a normal caring person.
I would hope she keeps these intellectual resources free af cuz ya girl is in RU-vid therapy since outside of this it’s an arm and a leg. Technically she’s getting paid via RU-vid ads and I hope she becomes wealthy and stays with us and doesn’t take away this gem 💎 ❤ she can totally promote workshops online and in person and write books and have treatment groups and make an arm and a leg… we would know that we love her and would throw our money at her. ❤
I have half recognized my tendency to self-abandon… but god it feels so intimidating & vulnerable to not act the way I believe people expect of me in that moment. I hope I can move through these feelings & honor my authentic self. Thanks for this video.. much appreciated.
You have a gift with words and communication. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Thank you for these videos and don't stop sharing your knowledge and wisdom!
Girl thank you so much. I used to be a people pleaser 2020/21 (and basically my whole childhood), and 2022 was the year I started healing. I don’t really please others anymore BUT I tend to detach from myself when feeling uncomfortable, WHAT makes me then please others. But it’s ok rn I can learn from it. Thank you for this video ❤ much love to you
Thank you Heidi. I feel like you may be the first person to accurately describe the nature of my difficulties. I am a 53 year old, born to an alcoholic family. My older half sister raised me until I was three. She got pregnant and moved out. My parents worked and hung out at bars. A 16 year old girl who came to babysit turned out to be a child molester. I burned down my house when I was 6. I suspect the molestation was frequent though I only have a couple of regained memories about it. I disassociate often. Violence was a constant threat until I left home at 12 years old. Gaaaaaaaawwwwd I'm a hot mess. I stopped dating when I was confronted with proof that I function with no recollection of having done so. I went through a great deal of self hate and regret for some of the beautiful hearts I have touched in the past. I was completely unaware of my dissasociative nature until I spent a year at a VA hospital.its all so strange I.have trouble believing it , even with CCTV footage to prove it , as well as testimony of other vets having seen me on campus and me not recognizing them, and seeming odd, like not answering to my name when called out to. I basically describe it as dissasociative amnesia, because other explanations terrify me. Thanks Heidi, sorry about the long message but I needed a shoulders to cry on this morning. Gratefully Yours, Michael Obie Evans.
The fact that you're looking for help in the right places is great. You deserve to be happy & free, never forget it, never doubt it. I hope you can find peace, even though it's so elusive. Keep searching for yourself, you can do this.
Thank you for sharing your testimony Michael, you are very strong and clear to be able to recognize your behaviors and work through them. Your efforts will be greatly awarded!!
Your videos are unbelievably helpful. Thank you! So often, my therapist will listen but not give practical steps for action. You set the table with fantastic examples and concrete verbs. Many, many thanks.
Taking practical steps is so crucial! Of course listening (as in, what your therapist does) is important, but we all need actual tools to move forward!
thank you so much heidi! i honestly think the adhd community in particular could use these words, as so many of us are detached from our true selves (avoidant) and then have no energy for the fake self. for myself i think of the fake self as a manager, it’s trying to make sure everyone likes me and things are going well, and it needs help realizing i’m an adult now and the other emotions are safe to bring to the table.
Yeah I realized recently I don't even have a real personality underneath the mask anymore, basically everything I have was ana adaptation to deal with having ADHD
I like this. The points on asking yourself what someone like you would do reminds me of George Kelly's therapy techniques. He would ask people to think of who they would like to meet at a party and then try to roleplay that person for a week.
feeling disconnected from my “future self” and seeing her as an almost entirely different person has been at the root of my procrastination. i allow myself to screw over my future self (wether it be the me in 2 hours or the me in 2 years) because of this very disconnection. it’s been something i’m only realizing lately as i question my habits and patterns. thank you for acknowledging this.
So basically is to form a caring respectful relationship with yourself. And listen to yourself and have that self talk. And we can stay present with ourselves right now. And take action steps, do those things, put ourselves in environments that not only can nurture that future self but identify with how we feel on the inside. And you mentioned wanting to travel then becoming a digital nomad so that tells me that our authentic selves can change as we grow.
I don't always implement all of the steps and practices you suggest in your video, but I love that I always walk away feeling grateful to be seeing my struggles with anxiety from a more detailed and sensible perspective. I was genuinely excited at the end of the video to have gained new tools for extracting my inner badass
Heidi… the way you explain these concepts that can otherwise be so difficult to grasp is simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us 🤗❤
Im on the path to my authentic self! All thanks to you and these invaluable videos. I have created the acronym PIPER Pause Identify Process Express Reflect. to remind myself.. if I find I'm in the drama triangle or overwhelmed with an emotion, I need to "sit with piper". Identifying my real/core emotion has been the hardest - I was taught to label/feel them incorrectly (most shame based) so recognising that instinctual feeling first is key to keeping the mask low and staying authentic! Often by the time I recognised shame/guilt, the mask was already on and context was lost with dissociation. The fear and excitement of discovering who I am... Better than any other roller-coaster I've been on before...😂
This doesn't have to be a shame based peron or some defect. Sometimes others put all their stuff on you [protections] and tell *you* who you are, think, and feel when you are actually a different person inside than what they assume. Many times this feels like slander but i dont think people always realize they are doing it. Its annoying as hell though and if you have any tips for how to deal with that, it would be helpful.
Heidi, I am so grateful for your recent videos on the topic of authenticity and toxic shame. I have 2 questions though: 1: the problem is when I show how I really feel on the inside, namely, depressed, people reject me. Most people don't like depressed people, that is why I fake a happy face for years... how to deal with authenticity when feeling depressed? 2: When I was a child and teenager I was very authentic and happy. The authenticity changed as I mentioned when I became depressed because my brain quickly learned and adapted to the fact that depressed mood is repelling to others. So I have two options: either I hide at home, which I did in the beginning which didn't help either, or to pretend like I am feeling good to normal. So I feel that my problem is not rooted in my childhood but what came after. I am in therapy of course and it helps me, but we don't go too deep into this topic... what do you think on that?
1. "when I show how I really feel on the inside, namely, depressed, people reject me" a) How do you know that being depressed is your True Self? Perhaps the chart True and False Self can help you. Google it. I made videos in my Psychological videos about what is False Self. Excerpt: "The false self, in Donald Winnicott's developmental schema, refers to certain types of false personalities that develop as the result of early and repeated environmental failure, with the result that the true self-potential is not realized, but hidden." Also: False Self -versus- Authentic Self: Others first - Self care Fix others - Self regulation Conforms - Speaks truth Repress & avoid - Express freely Validation & approval - Integrity b) Focusing on other people to feel good is called External referencing locus of control. There is intrinsic locus of control. Check these concepts too. c) Learn about Egocentrism - that we have ability to put ourselves in other people shoe's- The reason why people reject depressive people is because it is draining and they hurt seeing you being hurt. They cannot control you nor fix you - and you are walking wounded, not helping yourself. So - they will step back. When you are wounded - you are prone to become codependent and unable to manage your life. This is why we listen to Heidi videos in the first place- she is talking about steps how to step into our power without developing narcissism and fake persona of superiority. We are all dealing with depression - and it won't help if we are crabs in bucket pulling other people down. 2. I think you are victim of Hypercognition. You get labeled as Depressive person and you believed this stigma and quick label and you develop person around this label that other people quickly put on you. You got mislabeled by others. In reality - it is probably you have mild ADHD - which is not sickness nor abnormality. It is neurodivergence. Check out online tests - more than one - and see what your levels of ADHD you have. It might also be Autism Spectrum. This is called spectrum because neurodivergence is not Boolean on or off, it is fuzzy logic, it is not black or white - it is gray.
You are not your depression or any other feeling. You are your hobbies, your values, the music and movies you enjoy, the collection of important moments in your life, the people you spend time with and help and your career/education.
I think you can be try and depressed, but it’s hard when starting with new people. Biologically we avoid people that could drag us down (so sad because it’s mostly cruel and stupid). I think if you do everything research has shown helps depression, people will not hjudge you for your depression, but for your determination to fix it. You become a fighter. If your “simply depressed “ you drag people down as you say.
@@ranc1977 thank you for your elaborate comment and the recommendations! No, the depression is definitely not my true self. I also avoid saying "I AM depressed" because I don't want that to be my identity. I know that I am much more than that. And I am not exactly walking misery, it's just that I cannot always be happy go lucky. I am sometimes more stoic and then colleagues come up and sometimes ask me "is everything ok??" well, no it's not, but I cannot pretend all the time that it is... the pretense makes me sick... I am already trying to make things better and to work things out in my life but I cannot do more... I made an ADHD test a few times and my result was always negative. However I have a constantly running mind, I think a lot and have concentration problems, cannot focus very well on one task... Autism is out of question, or at least not above the average in population..
Thank you for this video! I agree that numbing from emotions can cause us to feel badly. I have dissociative disorders, so until I started talking to myself and figuring out why I blacked out and behaved against my values, I didn't realize how little I knew about my values. I grew up as a scapegoat and likely have autism, so I started people pleasing at an early age, after traumas were disregarded by others. Now, I'm healing my self-love deficiency. It's been a long, arduous journey, but I'm finally to a point where I know what I want in life. Peaceful passion. Safe adventures. Self-expression in various artforms. This process turned my fear to share my past into a passion to share dark psychological fantasy adventures related to my past. I went from thinking it would be a 4-book series to 8-book series. As of last week, I've added 4 more books to the list, to show why the protagonists struggle so much in my self-published book. :) Your videos have inspired me many times. Thanks for all you do on this channel.
I think I may have a different experience. I didn’t learn to set boundaries around my true self and still struggle with revealing too much of my authenticity. People make fun of me or take advantage of me when I am authentic. I find masking essential to my sense of well being. I’m 66 years old, by the way.
What I am learning, emphasis on the -ing, is that when you set boundaries, you become your true self, the two go hand in hand. Boundaries protect you while being your true self, poor boundaries leads to having a false self, masking, people pleasing, ....etc
@@ebbyc1817 this act of setting boundaries can feel threatening though, because there's a direct link between doing so and losing people in our life I.E. being alone which is keenly recognized as potentially deadly. How do we go about such a thing when we feel that we cannot survive it? The miserable false life is better than none at all.
It's interesting how many of your anecdotes feel like they're pulled directly out of my life. When I sit with that, it takes me to the realization that 1) my experiences are 'normal', 2) I am not 'special', 3) there is a valid reason why I am 'this way', 4) i am not alone, 5) i can take intentional steps to understand, acknowledge, and accept where i am today, 6) who i 'want to be' is already present in me, and 7) there is a way forward others have taken before me. In other words, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for being part of that light reflecting back at us.
This video is AMAZING. I at first stopped watching after a minute or so, thinking "I know myself really well and show up authentically in almost all situations, I don't need to hear this." And even though I do still think I know myself very well and do show up authentically in almost all situations, it was so profound to hear your perspective on awkward situations and "rushing into a fawn response" with close friends/relationships. I thought I didn't need to hear this but it was actually SO helpful. I really love your videos!!!
Listening to my inner authentic self, something that I started doing last year to help with feelings of extreme dread and terror, really helped me find peace within myself and be more confident in my capabilities.
Ive just had a big epiphany 😮 the saviour part acts as my narc. parent! It really doesnt want me to show the real emotion! So when sees them, he/she tries to be overly nice and act upon them instead of listen and symphatise! The saviour coming is actially for me internalised parent. So when I see him coming with his techniques I really just need to not be dumbed by figure of my parent😊
This helps me to explore the adaptive camouflaging which I developed as an undiagnosed autistic woman for most of my life. Trying to discover the real me again.
man this is great timing again. Can you please help with an in-depth video on Doing and Being. I couldn't believe self esteem was low because of the doing mindset. Thanks
Just wanted to say how attractive I find your personality. I know it’s probably mostly honed for video with so many subs, but it still rings as “you”. And I love it. ❤️
The thing that I'm missing here is that I thought I knew my authentic self, and once I showed it I did get rejected. But it turned out to be insecure attachment to people. Ergo: maybe a part of you is something you could or should heal, clearing you of the shame at the same time.
I’m dating and I do detach hard when I find someone I really like. I’m soo drained after. I am getting better and am working on just relaxing and being myself and like you said, allow silence and awkwardness if it happens
In the past eight months your videos have taken up a new dimension! It’s mature content for real! Whoever wants to be seriously challenged should be on here. You have helped me mature like never before and I am 46! Thank you for sharing all this for free!🤩♥️
Heidi, this is great, I needed to hear this as it further validates the journey I've been on and how far I've truly come. Thanks for posting great content. Have a great week! :)
Realized, after someone came up to me at a bar, I defaulted into masking. It takes me being very conscious to stay authentic, and even then it feels almost unnatural like being naked in public, although that’s our natural state.
In my experience, it has not been safe to feel all of my feelings in their entire intensity. This has led to suicidal ideation, self harm and attempts.
I loved the part about the dating because I could relate to how I act sometimes with one of my girlfriend (not dating). She's a long time friend, but we got away with years. Sometimes when we are together, I will force talking when there is weird silences, or pretend to be really excited to see her while in fact, I would prefer being at alone home cleaning my house lol. Then I wonder why she keeps texting me to hang out while in fact I believe the vibe is weird every time I see her. I realized watching this video that I am to ''blame'' perpetuating this relationship. Thanks for this wake up call Heidi :)
Heidi, your videos continue to be incredibly fantastic. The growing awareness and consideration for myself is becoming REALLY uncomfortable, but that's also the name of the game as you describe it. Even at 42, this feels like one of the most developmentally challenging parts of my life, but you're definitely giving me some great tools and direction to work with. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 🙏🏼
Thank you for the video. I often feel that I cannot express my authentic self when at work, with friends a.s.o. I am acutely aware of this and it is very painful. However, I cannot discern whether I truly cannot express myself with these people, or whether I just believe that I cannot (I mean I don'r know if I will be understood, accepted etc.). I also cannot discern whether this should be an issue for me? Shouldn't I just express my authentic self regardless of whether I will be understood, accepted a.s.o? Doesn't being authentic mean that you will be yourself no matter how other people react to that? I am able to hold space for my true feelings (anger, sadness, grief..), but I cannot do the next step, showing these feelings to others and take action on them. I am simply just so terrified that I will end up completely alone in the world if I do that. I actually also do not really know whether my authentic feelings really are authentic? They feel authentic, but I have a suspicion that they might sometimes be a defense... anger for instance. It is very difficult to navigate in the world when things are so unclear.
