'Husband Ran Background Check on Me' -- Reddit Story

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Two Hot Takes host, Morgan, is joined by guest co-host ‪@sarahschauer3764‬ !! What are your thoughts on background checks for your partner?!
Show your support (much appreciated): / twohottakes
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Опубликовано:

11 окт 2024

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Комментарии : 94

@SaraEmmaLouise 2 года назад

You guys are wrong on this one. She was reading things she didn’t even know about her own family. People deserve privacy. Checking social media or checking if you’re on the sex offenders list, cool, but her family and friends whole history? That’s wrong.

@yoyiseguia5267 2 года назад

Exactly! Your right on point! 💯

@mollylowry7535 2 года назад

The fact that he found files he felt were worth keeping confused me. If it’s nothing, delete the folder. If there’s something, don’t be involved with that person that’s why you did the background check? Maybe he’s holding this information, that is so personal even she didn’t know it, as future insurance/ blackmail or just garden variety manipulation

@dalilarocha4562 2 года назад

Doing a BC on the partner is one thing but THE WHOLE FAMILY AND CHILDHOOD FRIENDS? Knowing things I did not know? NO That is CREEPY AF! No no no. You guys are crazy.

@TheBlondeInPink 2 года назад

Exactly! Only do the background check on the S/O like why do you need to do all their family and friends?! Like wtf.

@dragynally99 2 года назад

Agreed.

@CapnDemyx 2 года назад

The biggest point im hearing is that you would background check a potential boyfriend/ girlfriend to make sure they aren't sketch. However it sounds like he did it before they got married and already had an established relationship. That's a betrayal no question. It's not like he was checking on a stranger.

@Lolzadoodle8484 2 года назад

I disagree. A background check on the individual is fine, especially if it's before or after a first date and you see potential but want to be sure you're not getting catfished. But family, extended family, and friends is too much. And right before the wedding, too? No. He'd been with her long enough.

@BladefireA Год назад

Yeah, at BEST this is a case of him not trusting her at all, and trust is crucial to any successful relationship. But this seems even worse than that.

@yoyiseguia5267 2 года назад

I don’t care if he’s running for office or anything like that. That is bs! Yes we go through social media, but a background check is a lot more in depth than social media. That is not cool. Especially my friends and family! I would be highly pissed. Nope. No sir. Don’t date me if you feel I’m that sketchy.

@SinistaJay 2 года назад

I don’t really care about the bg check on his partner but where he really fucked up is never telling her/investigating her family and friends. The guy probably got burned in his last relationship so has severe anxiety issues but yea like you said he probably shouldn’t date anyone if his mental state is that bad.

@telliiii2289 2 года назад

@tamaraeyitemi 2 года назад

There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing background checks as long as you are honest about it. You are acting as if you can really trust people in today’s world. There are so many people that have started dating to find out that the person there taking to is a sex offender in another state. Now, background checking his family is a bit far for me but you don’t know what could have happened to him in the past relationships.

@rigby.walabee 2 года назад

Immediate thoughts... no Edit: if it was just on her I feel like she would be less mad... but he did it on her parents, friends AND EXTENDED FAMILY!!! Also, they've been married for three years, and he never thought to delete the files or tell her? Also, social media is different than POLICE REPORTS, CAR ACCIDENTS, POTENTIAL TRAUMAS, ETC!!! If it's something serious, they'll be publicly recorded as sex offenders. If they've had sex offense charges it'll be public. Felons are public. Also, public court trials are on the internet. A Google search of usually sufficient or the vibes are off. Sorry but she's not the asshole.

@hoddy1368 2 года назад

Not really you need to think about the people in her life he doesn’t know who is a criminal or offender families hide things big secrets even police advocate for background research on the people in your life because you really don’t know who is going to be next to you

@rigby.walabee 2 года назад

@@hoddy1368 and like I said, if he did it on her that would never one thing. But this also means he didn't trust her to know the people in her life. And, they've been married for 3 years and he still has the files on everyone. Why? Why even download them out of the results page? Like... thats the weird part

@MK-yp9rs 2 года назад

i feel like him keeping a whole database on her on his pc is not really the same as checking someones socials. its foul that he didnt at least deleted the files but kept them for some reason. must have been a shite feeling to realize she married joe goldberg

@squiddoodlexoxo 2 года назад

I feel like background checks aren’t terrible to run on partners but why keep the files for three years? That seems a bit sus to me… like what are you planning to do with it?

@Rubi002 2 года назад

And it weren't only of her, he run background checks on all her extended family and childhood friends..Sorry that's creepy asfk

@annaleedegroff2946 2 года назад

I would understand a personal background check. Like one just on her but her entire family and child hood friends? No. I don't think divorce is necessary but he found out things that she didn't even know and that's kind of crossing a line

@Girliegirl88 2 года назад

He should have at least communicated with her that he did it. It’s just weird that he didn’t say anything and then kept a folder of his search seemingly “just in case”. And the reach of his search is questionable. The family stating that it’s normal when she said she didn’t like it is slightly problematic. They should have expounded on it to help her understand their view point. She still may not have agreed but it’s better than nothing. Him acknowledging her feelings and validating her boundaries is really good.

@vampire7240 2 года назад

I think a cursory background check (criminal record, etc) is fine. In depth like described? Terrifying.

@MelonXin 2 года назад

I think it’s acceptable HOWEVER, they did mention that the background check was right before the wedding which just shows there’s some trust issues here. I would understand it if the background check was ran on the first couple months of dating while you are still figuring each other at. But right before marriage gives me the idea that he felt like she, OP, was hiding something. But also I can see that he just wants to make sure and reassure that he is getting into a marriage with people that he can trust

@brenthunter5078 2 года назад

Funny how it's okay for women to protect themselves but not men.He was going to legally tie himself to this woman in a way that isn't easy to disconnect. I'd do it too. I'm not committing to some psycho or some woman who will lull me in to a false sense of security then run off with my money, and I won't have a way out.

@brenthunter5078 2 года назад

Funny how you mention trust issues like it's some gotcha, but what about women with trust issues? Women mention that all the time as an excuse to be ultrajealous and crazy. Why is it okay for women to have them but not men?

@Erin-rg3dw 3 месяца назад

Maybe I watch too many true crime shows, but I've seen too many cases of people finding out after getting married that their partner/partner's family was hiding something big.

@cinnarenaroll1292 2 года назад

I think it's one thing to end up stalking deeply in your partner's social media where you end up on pages of relatives and friends, but this guy KEPT extensive documentation on things that she didn't know herself? I agree that "background checks" to an extent aren't bad but this just doesn't sound right.

@EsotericRavenclaw 2 года назад

I disagree with y’all on this one. That’s a line crossed, especially going deep into her family

@moony445 2 года назад

i think this is so acceptable. i have a subscription to a background check site! Ive ended up dating people I wish I checked earlier because of what they did to me and the searches that ended up coming up could have saved me so much hurt. it's out there, its good to know who you're getting involved with. i do always tell them though after the fact.

@prestonbussell575 2 года назад

but do you look into their whole family who you do not know and may never know , finding out personal information so person the person you're seeing doesn't even know?

@ghosty8193 2 года назад

@@prestonbussell575 Honestly, yes if I have the access. I dated a guy who's brother was a serial DA and who's sister was on the sex offender's registry. I wasn't made aware of either sibling's crimes until I looked it up myself. I had younger siblings who would undoubtedly be at family events with them. It never hurts to check.

@Erin-rg3dw 3 месяца назад

@ghosty8193 That was my thinking too when they mentioned he'd checked the family. Just because the partner is safe doesn't mean there isn't other problems lurking.

@breannaharper4094 2 года назад

Nah, doing a BC should be something to CONSENT to. Most jobs even ask for consent or let you know they're going to before hand, if you can't have at least that much respect for me there is an issue. Its not a big deal when you tell or ask first, but it's definitely a violation if you do it without asking or letting me know! I like the idea of BC for my partner but I'd never just do it and not ask or say anything. And it's probably a good idea that you offer a BC of yourself as well. We shouldn't be entitled to information about others without offering up that same information.

@Layla-ti4wt 2 года назад

I think about it like this. I have a lot of traumas and stuff that has happened to me when I was younger that I would tell someone eventually, but would not feel comfortable with them knowing before I told them. Also a lot of issues with family that have hurt me as well that would likely come up on a background check. If someone I had been dating ran a background check on not only me but my friends and family I would feel violated. These are things that I would want to come and tell them on my own time and the fact that they would know stuff about my family that I don’t even know? It just feels wrong.

@maragragert7088 2 года назад

I do agree that running a background check on someone is acceptable but in my opinion there is a time window. Let's be honest we all like to stalk social media and run these crazy checks on people but you do that when you're dating not three years in. And the fact that he saved those files into a folder with his SOs name on it is a little crazy.

@o0Theresa0o 2 года назад

No... this isn't normal. He should have communicated this with her at some point. To do it in secret and never tell her is absolutely unhinged behavior.

@Blck_Ch3rry 2 года назад

My question is, if its been awhile since he did the background check, why did he keep the file if technically he doesnt need it anymore (since hes with her)

@iiLiaxx 2 года назад

The only this that made it weird was the other people not just her Another thing that I’d like to add is if the roles were reversed, most people would be praising the girl for her skills

@mareen9232 2 года назад

There is no update ? I really wanna know the reason for his action.

@jaydyboo 2 года назад

For me it depends when it happened. Dating and early days of a relationship or before proposal but if it's after marriage, why? Also, so weird to do it on family and friend's.

@firstloveacrossthesea5835 2 года назад

Was he planning on blackmailing her family and friends? Why is he running a background check on them?

@kayleighhiggins1581 2 года назад

The thing is they weren't just starting to date they were about to get married. If she was shady enough for him to run a background check on her, why get engaged or marry her to begin with?

@Fran-lc2uy 2 года назад

I get Sarah's comment about the running for office thing...but only then ONLY THEN would I even consider this behavior mildly understandable. OP is not responsible for the actions of her family and friends. Would he not have married her if he'd found out one of her parents had served time in prison? or that her childhood friend is on the run? Because if so that's fecked. And if not why do the check in the first place? I'm not sure this is grounds for Divorce, but in OP's place I would be pretty pissed. The "Controlling Partner" alarm in my head is certainly going off after hearing this story...

@trinitiscruggs967 2 года назад

People are seriously insane. It’s a BG check chill out it’s not a big deal. If your not doing BG checks on the people you intend to sleep with then your nuts.

@secoolin 2 года назад

you know you’re from baltimore, MD when EVERYONE thinks this is ok. it’s almost MANDATORY. move along, not that big of a deal

@sarahcastellani9865 2 года назад

From Baltimore myself. Have done background checks on every boyfriend and I got a friend who does it for fun lol 😂

@TheSmileycece 2 года назад

I think where I live you can go to police if you're dating someone and ask about their criminal history mostly for assault etc. However looking up the whole family via this method is a little mad. I get carried away Facebook stalking, that's all much easier access wise but also I just try go by what they post and respect how much they choose to share online. I look to see if they're real and try to see how they interact with others to try see if I should be worried. I'm mostly looking for red flags not random personal information about their family that I can learn about if they want to share later on

@jeje8922 2 года назад

Googeling their name, searching through their insta is ok, but this doesn't sound like something small. He found out stuff she didn't even know herself, that sounds like he hired a privat investigator. I also think it isn't cool to run a background check on other people than her. You can't judge someone for the things other people do.

@jordangoglin 2 года назад

i understand doing a background check especially maybe before marriage but i would say something afterward like “hey i did this i wanted to let you know” but i personally would be more furious about the not saying anything for years then the background check itself. i hate being lied too. i know if my partner did one and told me afterwards id be like oh okay. now if he didnt say anything to me after he did it i would be mad.

@iHeartAmySue Год назад

This makes me wonder what the husband is involved in that he needs to know background checks. Drug trafficking, etc.

@Acatandanomad Год назад

Its fine to do a check on a potential partner, but their childhood friends? Nope, thats way too far.

@slgabrielle 2 года назад

I google EVERYONE who comes into my life. I don’t want to risk getting caught up in anything I don’t need.

@katielowery1925 2 года назад

you can do a background check before a first date or something similar but not once you’ve BEEN together for years. even months. especially her whole family including DISTANT family. that is WEIRD.

@salma_Nella22 Год назад

I agree with you on this one!

@dqndicore 2 года назад

A background check on your s/o is normal. But family and friends? Hell no. Knowing things the girl didn’t know? The fuck?

@ashlynnsimon3477 2 года назад

It’s also possible he has a government job, there’s a few out there where you have to be super cautious about potential spouses and their families.

@brenthunter5078 2 года назад

Guys, marriage is a big deal. It's perfectly natural he ran the checks right before they got married. Yeah, he likely loved her, but he didn't want any surprises. That makes perfect sense,a and checking on her whole family might mean he was using a free trial where you get unlimited checks for a week or something, or it might mean he wonders about her family and friends. Maybe he just likes to know this stuff. He might've never even checked the folder in a long time. He might've forgotten to delete it or that it was even there. There's nothing wrong with this. If a woman did it to a man, you'd all be justifying it.

@lyly1913 2 года назад

I’d honestly find it weird but then immediately want to know what they found and read it all 😂

@saragilford6398 Год назад

I think it’s wrong. Doing a quick google search it one thing. This amount of deep dive data on someone, you would’ve had to have hired a private investigator to get info like this. And it wasn’t like they just started dating. He did this right before they got married.

@thesunnyleo 2 года назад

Everyone should run a background check on a new SO. Sorry dating online is so dangerous. If it was a woman doing the background check ppl wouldn’t be mad.

@celestefernandez1214 2 года назад

I don't think this is such a big red flag, the only kinda weird thing for me is that he read that folder and didn't delete it. Why would he keep it, did he found sth important?

@reaganlangston5915 2 года назад

It’s the secrecy and breach of trust that’s the issue. The background checks are just a symptom. Like if he was so concerned about it before marriage then bring up to her that you’d like to do them for each other and each other’s families so you can be on the same page with transparency. or idk get rid of them after you read them and figure out everyone is normal. Don’t keep them in secret on your laptop for 3 years.

@Raraking4796 Год назад

Honestly I think the reason he did it matters more than what he did. Has anyone here ever seen the movie “ meet the rockers” What if his family is from the CSI or something like that.

@warpuppy17 2 года назад

I disagree, doing a background check on the individual is fine, but doing background check on the whole family and best friends? That's creepy af.

@brenthunter5078 2 года назад

/r/relationshipadvice What do I do now that my gf ran some crazy background check on me? "Okay guys, so me and this girl, we'll call her Lexy, have been together for about a year or so, and we went on a vacation with her fam. I was cool with that, but her and her two sisters did some girlly stuff I'm not in to, so I stayed at the house with her folks. I didn't bring my laptop, so she lent me her's since she brought it. OMG, you guys, she has this weird folder full of info from background sights on me, my fam, and my homies. It's so weird. I called her out on it when she got home, and her and her weird-ass family said it was fine, and I was the one with issues since I had a problem with it." How would you respond here? Then, you better respond the same way with this chick. Women are always talking about how men are out to get them and how they need to check up on us. That's all fine, but as soon as we do it to make sure she isn't some psycho bitch, we're the assholes, I think not.

@chloegrace3793 2 года назад

I don’t know. I wonder if his family is rich or something, because it seems like he had past trauma and he got scared.

@jonatan3318 2 года назад

Did she get mad because he knew things about her family and friends that she didn’t know about?

@ItWasNeverTrue Год назад

His investigative behavior goes way beyond the normal AND he never told. Not cool.

@OhShevski 2 года назад

Are you a Vikings or packers fan? I forgot completely so i had questions for both Packers: Do you think Rodgers is staying? What do you think of Jordan love? Vikings: What do you think of the Mike Zimmer? Who do you want as the replacement? Ps. Doing this for a report

@TwoHotTakes 2 года назад

Vikings :))) I think it was time for Zimmer to go. I hate how he acted at the end and everything thats coming out about how he treated the team behind closed doors is oof. The fact he didn't try to get Jefferson that record irks me so much!

@julierichardson800 2 года назад

Tottally disagree. I don't think this is a Facebook deep dive, why has he kept it that's ridiculous. Extended family and childhood friends included that's super excessive I would want to know why he felt that level of background was necessary.

@ragingwerewolfdude3797 2 года назад

Ima just ask Why does he still have the folder? They married

@abigailhunt4948 11 месяцев назад

I am sorry but running a background check on someone is wrong.

@jackchop1576 2 года назад

Swap the genders and this comment section would have a totally different tone.

@telliiii2289 2 года назад

See I feel if someone is so worried about a background check they are hiding something as a young mom of two if background checks were so easy to do here as they were in America damn rights I would do a background check on any and everyone I dated because I am not going to have someone around my kids if they have a bad past nope nope nope and I don’t even think doing a background check on someone’s close family or friends is bad because they will also end up being around you or in my case around my kids and I would want to know if they had a bad past so I could keep my kids away from them However I think he messed up by not telling her

@recklessoldier 2 года назад

Is that gossip girl or what

@shelbydog1100 2 года назад

Maybe the person you’re dating but if you have to go any deeper than that you should probably find someone else

@Balgees24 2 года назад

I understand on her but why her friends and family? Why he need to know that?

@barnchick9 2 года назад

Don't see the big issue with this honestly. "Invasion of privacy " comments: employers and universities do a background check all the time. theyre public records that can be bought. It's also not her fault that she was unaware about some of the info of her family on those records. He definitely should have told her afterwards that he's done that and about the info he found. Finding it like it was a secret is not okay

@prestonbussell575 2 года назад

and those places ask for consent

@hoddy1368 2 года назад

There are different types of backgrounds okay The type he did is a deep dive which is encouraged because we tend to see charges that was made against a person that was amended afterwards ,maybe someone in the family is a criminal or offended of any kind , friends who have either committed crime or have offended or likely to offend these are crucial things when you’re marrying someone to know so that you don’t put yourself or your children or your family at risk for women you would be shocked what by simply going to the police station you find this is done to in cases of domestic abuse or offenders

@ImpatientBadger1 2 года назад

Op completely overreacted. The fact that she didn’t really get angry until she started reading things about her family and friends she didn’t even know speaks volumes. I think she is more pissed that her family and friends have either been lying to her or keeping her in the dark, but her husband is an easier target. If I was considering marrying and possibly having children with someone I sure as hell would want to know if they have ever been arrested or if their father or sibling was arrested for cp.

@mollylowry7535 2 года назад

I see your point, I would want to know too but it’s more than a background check for cp related issues, he’s got a database on her and her family AND friends on his laptop, still after 4 years why would he feel the need to keep it

@ImpatientBadger1 2 года назад

@@mollylowry7535 He may have forgotten after all this time. Also, why was she snooping? She flat out said she searched his laptop for her name and found two folders. It seems like she wanted to find something to be mad about. Companies run a background check on you when they hire you. Why wouldn’t consider running one on the person you want sleep next to for the rest of your life?

@beepboop9742 2 года назад

@@ImpatientBadger1 she wasn't snooping. She said 'He let me borrow his laptop because I left mine at home. I made a folder with my name and I was searching for it ' note the fact that she said 'he let me borrow' and the 'I made a folder with my name and I was searching for it', she was not snooping in any way shape or form. Op and her husband have been married for 3 years, so presumably, they had dated for maybe 2-3 years before getting married...im pretty sure he would have found out if a sibling or parent had gotten arrested for cp...for the majority of people it is something pretty hard to hide, especially from a long term partner and she probably would have told him at some point. While you are right most companies run background checks on people, However 1) your significant other is not your boss nor are you their employer 2)your companies won't do background checks on friends or family only you. 'Why wouldn’t consider running one on the person you want to sleep next to for the rest of your life?', When you meet someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with you tend to trust them enough to not do a whole ass research project on everyone in their lives. And if you want to know something or have any concerns, maybe try asking them questions or making sure they're loved and whatnot they'll probably come to you to discuss these issues (im gonna use the example you used) like their parent/sibling getting arrested for cp. If you want to confront them but you are scared of how they might react then look up ways of approaching them im sure you can figure it out, buddy. she didnt even react that badly lol. Anyways im just in a silly n goofy mood anyway im just in a silly n goofy mood

@mollylowry7535 2 года назад

@@ImpatientBadger1 In both your comments you put a lot of assumptions on OP. Example when you said she’s actually mad at her family for lying to her, than what she stated she was mad about, the extent of information, the kind of stuff that wouldn’t be so publicly accessible. Example car accidents, births, medical history possibly as well as police files. Another assumption was stating she was purposely searching for files on herself, when she gave a very realistic version of events, I’m sure this kind of thing happens everyday. Makes me think about what your everyday looks like, is that your normal? Anyway to me it’s giving internalised misogyny.