I CAN’T EAT IN PUBLIC! Being ashamed to eat in front of others 

I haven't eaten in a restaurant in about 8 years (one time), and in general don't eat where anybody can see me because I'm in a larger body. Prior to that one time 8 years ago, it was probably another 10 years that I didn't eat around anyone besides my dad (he died 8 yrs ago). I still don't feel like I should be eating. I know it's not rational. And I'm the same with other people- they have the right to eat, no matter their size- what or how much they eat doesn't matter to me. I did get a sandwich after my 2nd COVID vaccine (so 2021), at a drive thru with the person who drove me- but the focus for her was on driving (and I wasn't open about my ED at that time). I don't mind eating around my mini schnauzer, and have one friend here in town that would be sensitive - and knows about the ED and more recent weight loss (though I slipped back a bit, and gained weight with eating less, which still pisses me off). She has also seen me with the NG that has been in for 2 yrs to guarantee I get enough water in because of the chronic kidney disease (indirect result of eating disorder), and 'gets it'. But I'm not ready for that yet. Great topic, as usual, Malin. :)

My mother would count how many chews I completed with each bite AS AN ADULT and then criticize the speed at which I ate. Dinners at home or elsewhere growing up were a chore; sometimes there was entertainment twisted as it was, especially when the stepfather was drunk and knives and hammers came out with parents chasing each other around the table trying to kill each other arguing that the stereo was too loud. No wonder I have an eating disorder.