I have a graduate degree from an Ivy league school. It still amazes me how people make these degrees and titles so tied to their identity. I respect my uneducated farmer grandfather more than most big shot professors I encountered. People in that world need to hear this more often when they anxiously try to convince you that their research, publication, grant, etc is the most amazing thing in life: “no one cares”. Go be the best mom, wife, and person you can and you’ll be more fulfilled than most academics.
Agree! My grandfather has a 10th grade education, but went on to become a well-respected manager at GM, retired in his mid-40s then had a successful career at BASF. He also earned his pilots license, was a volunteer firefighter, built his farm house completely debt free, and farmed the land until he became too old to do it. He’s the wisest man I know, and his list of accomplishments is far greater than mine with 2 degrees under my belt.
Yes! And over the years, the Ivy Leagues have become even less worthy of respect due to ideological corruption. I feel this woman has intense anxiety and it is paralyzing her from just living her life!
I agree a lot of people are too hard on themselves But I wouldn't go so far as to say it's that much of a majority. There's also plenty of people out there half assing it and don't care, and are content and need some friction
In reality, you only actually need to half ass it though. As long as that's how someone wants to live it's good enough. People think they need to accomplish all these things to be worthy of life and it's just not true. @@random-nz7dy
Hi caller!! I also live in Toronto and have 3 kids under the age of 8! I'd be more than happy to meet up for coffee. I am also a stay at home mom and put my life on hold for a bit! ❤ here for you!
@@Dogmeat47 She literally said "I just arrived in Canada five months ago." I believe you are correct that they change names, but not locations. They sometimes specifically discuss the economic/real estate virtues of the places where the callers live.
@@nicotinedietcoke Not being judgemental. Seems women are more cautious regarding meetups, which they should be. I'd be glad to extend an offer and reach out to meet you @nicotinedietcoke. Which part of the country do you live in? I am South Central.
I am like the total opposite of this caller. I barely graduated High School. Again barely graduated college with a Bachelor's business degree from local state school. 2.1 GPA if that matters. Somehow luckily landed a software engineering job that paid me more than I really deserved. Struggled with that job and somehow lasted 20 years without being laid off or fired. Along the way met a great girl that I have been married to for 20 years with two healthy smart teenagers. We both have great careers with job security and pay and saved and invested well for 20+ years (Our net worth is in the top 5% of this country at age 45 if that really matters). But I can now easily say the degree, job title, money, house, cars, etc---IT ISN'T OUR IDENTITY and doesn't really matter to us anymore to be honest. The simple things in life is what really matters. Our simple life has greatly improved our lives and especially our mental happiness. What others think, have, achieved doesn't matter to us anymore. I wish all the young folks out there could realize what we finally did sooner in life. Life is too short to chase certain meaningless dreams...
@@ForeverChiTonight Hi Forever, well I am assuming you are a regular viewer or Dave Ramsey so you already know the basics. One big tip that I can give is you: need to learn to not care about what others think of you (family, friends, etc). You need to realize what is important to you and what your goal is. Once you get over that big hurdle is when you can start pinching pennies to pay off the debt, then once the debt is all paid off is when you start investing those pennies. It takes time. People will think you're crazy. You'll lose friendship. But it's the price you may have to pay. I'll be honest when I was much younger and others asked me for money advice, I gave it to them but when they realized it was a lifestyle change, they couldn't accept it. And here they are still in debt 10, 20 years later...
Did the same except for RU-vid lol. Needed some good laughs during breaks. U are absolutely right. Getting off IG & FB has helped me focus more on things I must do.
This is the cost of marriage and childbirth especially for women. It’s much easier to finish your education and kickstart your career before kids and a husband. Because mentally you maybe curious and ambitious but socially you are still expected (consciously/unconsciously) to be unambitious and uncurious and make being a wife and mother your only life. Having a kid is challenging, having 3 kids is thrice challenging and time draining and hormone changing. So it’s not a surprise if you drown in all that. That’s why ambitious women choose to be single or childless or have one child to balance it all especially if your partner is not supportive or expects you to be a traditional wife/mother. This is one reason people get divorced too. Because they lose themselves in a marriage and and routine of kids and find the only way out is to take some space to rediscover themselves
…Maybe marriage isn’t for me then unless I have a marriage without kids. I don’t think I’m willing to sacrifice the person I’m building for a future society keeps trying to press on me. Being a woman is a beautiful thing but sometimes society can almost make it annoying.
Gosh she's so polite to Dr John, yet SO HORRIBLE to herself! If you read this, Emma, please know that if you were as mean to another person as you are to yourself, they wouldn't want to know you. They would run a mile away from you, and understandably so. The fact that you have a partner and presumably, you still have friends and family who love to love you suggests that you do know how to be kind, so be as kind to yourself as you are to other people. You'll feel A LOT better for it. Change your inner voice from a horrible critic to a great COACH.
She’s so raw. I’m so glad she’s seeking help…I can see 2, 3 ways she can figure this out but like John said she’s suuuuch a trooper already! I’d have some mercy on me first and go baby steps! Get that work visa sent out, find a friend or 2 that are in the same situation and she’ll see results pretty soon. Sending you lots of love, Emma!
Random small practical ideal: after dropping kids off go to a coffee shop with a computer or book. You make it to know people, or work on stuff you enjoy. Also sign up for a fitness class nearby, that's a great way to get to know people on a regular basis and get you back into your body and less in your head.
There are numerous big libraries in the Toronto area that she could spend 3 days a week on her research. And then her other days at home caring for the space and the kids. Or focus on theclast piece of the teaching credential, finish it. Then tackle the PhD part time, teach parttime. Weekends for the family only.
I have a tiny fraction of this woman’s education but relate to her feelings of insecurity and the perception of failure. Hopefully she can see her own value and success. I’m sure if someone else came to her the same concerns, she would have so much compassion. Keep your head up Emma!
Hey lady, you're doing well. Try watching an episode of Cops and it will make you feel much, much better. Always makes me feel good. It's all about perspective.
I don’t know there have been times I’ve thought I’d like to go to jail or an asylum to escape my responsibilities. 🫠 They need to make rehab facilities for burnt out mothers I think.
Emma you are a Super Mom & Super Wife & you are more than enough. I’m an RN with a bachelors degree who went on hiatus for the last 10years. I am beyond blessed & grateful to be a SAHM. I scroll & take breaks when I can as well. I’ve been working on a coding certificate & I am taking really long as welI. I wanna tell you I am 38 going on 39 & looking to start a new career, but still wanna prioritize my family first. Some days I too feel like a failure in life especially when I get comments & opinions from others. Do what’s best for you & your family, Emma. You are AMAZING, WONDERFUL, NEEDED & LOVED! I recently got 12 girls together to start a BUNCO group. It’s already helping other moms find friendships & fun. Stay BLESSED. God’s got you girl ❤🙏🏽.
This poor lady is overwhelmed and totally in burnout mode. She doesn't need any approval to live her life or how she completes her PhD. I was in her shoes 23 years ago and understand her anxiety. Being on scholarship is terribly stressful because you know time is ticking when no more research funds are flowing in if you don't complete your PhD on time... Emma, stay strong and look for support. Talk to people who can help you.
I'm surprised john didn't explore the possibility of depression more. He briefly mentioned SAD but one of the cornerstones of depression is not being able to do things you want to do
Yes; when I was listening to her, I was thinking - this sounds very much like depression. Not necessarily 'I need meds' depression, but more 'I've lost myself, can't get started, am very lonely, perhaps homesick, and am being waaay too hard on myself' depression. I felt sad for her.
Yes. She just moved to a new country, doesn’t know anyone & is putting so much pressure on herself. I know the feeling of being stuck in the agonizing loop of wanting to get stuff done, but being completely unable to do it. 😞
Yeah, it’s pretty obvious for anyone with depression to see the telltale signs, but medically It probably would be highly unethical to suggest a mental diagnosis or even explore it vaguely on a live phone call.
Oh, Emma. My heart goes out to you. I pray you find purpose, encouragement, and community. We all need people surrounding us when we are in hard spaces like this. Praying for you right now.
I feel the same but widowed for 5 yrs now have a complete new start in life and don’t bring myself to move sometimes just day to day taking care of our 4 kids cooking and cleaning and I have started to get sick of myself and will be enrolling back into school I’ve been trying to connect around me living in a new state. It’s tough but I’m making myself. Tx though not Canada. I’ve looked at myself and said hey it’s ok I’ve been resting and now it’s time to get moving. ❤❤❤ Grace for oneself is so important.
She's suffering from trauma. Someone has cracked the whip when she was younger and she's doing it to herself. She doesn't know how to celebrate what she has. 😢 The problem with John's advice is that he thinks this person doesn't know the advice he gives. They do. It's the conditioning of the subconscious to react when feeling threatened. 😢
I kinda wish they would've talked about that more. Why she needs to achieve so much so fast. It could be trauma but some people are just really driven to achieve because they enjoy the competition, growth, mission, challenge ect. It would be very jarring to switch from that to someone struggling with social media addiction and procrastination. Just goes to show it effects everyone.
Sje did claim that she really loved what she was doing. Someone going for a Phd is not stupid. I don't believe it's past trauma based condition, she would have mentioned it.
This woman is blessed with a family, brains, and opportunity that many people would envy. It's a shame she let herself lose perspective and spiral down this dark, depressive mentality.
It is a reminder that we never know what another person is struggling with!! Depression is not something one "lets" themself "fall" into. It creeps slowly, quietly, insideously...until it has a stranglehold. Only then, when one is unable to breathe comes a cry for help. Like brave Emma just did.
I’ve been In USA for a long time. I don’t have friends at all. I moved 18times and now I’m stable for the moment. It hard to deal w depression and anxiety. I’ve almost give up on my goals and aspirations. I totally feel for Emma. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Dr. John is right. I earned a PhD in 4 years from 34 to 38, but I do not have kids or a wife so my life didn't totally change during that time and I did it in a shorter time than most. However, most folks take 5, 6, 7 or more years and life changes in all that time, so alot don't finish. I am not saying this to try to get praise for myself mind you, I just did it while my life didn't change, but my point is that life happens and things don't just stay frozen in time.
I'm working on a B.S. and having the same experience. I wish it were easier to keep my foot on the gas non-stop. I know it would be more productive to rest and start again tomorrow, but even knowing that, resting feels like self-betrayal.
Emma, you can do _whatever you put your heart and mind to!_ You are defined by your heart, your core self~ not by what you do or what job or degree you have ❤ You have the most beautiful and melodic voice!! I understand and your struggle, I'm there, too. You aren't alone! And girl, you are worth loving who you are! Even now as you struggle. You are worth it❤
I just found this channel. So far, I love it! I can completely relate with Emma! I feel the same way she does! I'm so glad you took this call! Thank you!
I learn something with every video, Biut THE Absolute Best Thing about every single video is the way the caller sounds so distraught and by the end they feel Hopeful, You can hear it in their voice, now that’s beautiful 😍
I hear this so deeply. I no longer have a TV full stop just videos as a family. I try to limit my online time, she's beautiful, I hope she could forgive herself a little because she's doing better than she thinks. She can do things to meet others from her homeland or find connections with the community. As John said create what is missing and blimey that awesome she just sounds exhausted and traumatised by the speed it's all going at.
Sometimes I feel the same way. Got 3 teens, supposedly I can work full time, but becoz of my youngest have special needs, I can't. It can be really frustrating feeling, seeing your friends can be free at last with their full time job, except me. I always pray for strength and patience, listen to soothing music, also try to do some catching up with friends if they're free. It really helps. Sending hugs and prayers for u caller!❤
I have no thoughts because I’m not smart like this woman but damn I pray she feels happiness and that whoever she’s with encourages her to slow down and that she is enough right now as is.
Just my input but I've always thought of it as mission rot. Throughout life I've run small businesses and had passions that soaked up a ton of my time. I had some goal in mind I'll achieve whatever and sometimes I'd hit that goal and sometimes I wouldn't. Eventually I'd lose interest in whatever thing it have accomplished what I deemed to be an acceptable stopping point. Once that was hit the mission would die and I'd fall into very deep depressions. Right now my career is about to face mission rot as I've climbed as much as I want to at least for now and I'll be getting my final promotion for awhile. Like me it sounds like you're having mission rot, it's important to find a new angle to spark your interest in the activity again whether that's work or study or whatever else. The longer you as a mission driven person are sitting with a lack of direction and not being diligent which it sounds like you are the more likely you are to face a transformation into a very different version of yourself which you're listing throughout the call. High distractibility, apathy towards those around you, social harm, and beating yourself up. It's important to take the gift you were given which is high intelligence and a diligent nature and direct it towards something new. Sorry for my rant here but I do think if you find something you connect with most of these issues will vanish.
Hi Emma. I’m in Toronto too and I understand where you’re coming from. This time of year can be tough. Consider taking a break from your dissertation for a season and focus on your wellness. Call your doctor, (do you have OHIP?) get outside and get those 10k steps. Come down to the lakeshore & walk the trail. We take our pup to Sunnyside beach. It’s sunny today so I hope you can get out and active. You are more than a PhD! Sending positive vibes.
Wow this call resonates with me, I understand what she’s saying, it’s not about the degree… it’s about self control and what you can control, which starts to feel like nothing. I hope she finds peace.
Yes, I agree it is sad to spend their young time scrolling Facebook. She sounds like she would be happier enjoying them. She’s not invested in the PhD studies. I’m wondering if her kids would be enough for her to feel fulfilled.
Yes, this woman who is so hard on herself for every decision she has ever made, lets pile on the guilt of putting her kids in daycare to give her the opportunity to finish her PhD... and wonder why women have the highest rates of depression and anxiety in all of modern history. I swear some people in this comment section just want to break callers completely.
She's way much better than some of us, but still can't put myself down. Today was supposed to be my graduation dat but didn't even make it to my masters graduation because of my academic supervisors. Lost my job last week because of the immigration office in my city, have insurance debts, no kids, and approaching 30. Oh, and my younger sisters are already married and have kids. Despite all the turmoil I am facing right now, i can't put myself down. My advice to her is to look on the beautiful things she already has. A part of me wishes i was in her place🙂 I am still hopeful things will get better
You don't want to be in her place. She is feeling shame, a loss of purpose, and self-inadequacy. Clearly you are a low stress person with high hopes and a healthy self-esteem. That is something everyone wants but most cannot attain.
2nd year PhD here and I sympathize so much with this caller. Been struggling with my qualifying exam and have little to no family support. I hope she realizes how amazing she is to be making it work while also growing her family. As someone with only my education right now; I sincerely admire that. Hope I can apply some of this advice too.
Enjoy the journey, sometimes easier said than done. But you will find your way, don’t give up. You are still so young. And a degree, paper, or title does not a woman make! You are a WARRIOR! Blessings upon you path ☺️
Her call was very courageous cause it was so real. I can hear the disappointment in how her life turned out (from her own POV) in her voice. So many people deal with lack of motivation on a daily basis and mourn the life they used to have. I hope she is able to get out of her rut and get better.
I clicked on this video because I related personally to the title, but I'd give anything to be where shes at. She's a married mother and on her way to becoming a doctor. She has so much going for her, she needs to work on her depression. But the cure for the stagnation is to just force yourself to do it. empty room, no distractions and get down to the gritty. She is not lost. Others people are without spouses and children or a path in life. shes very lucky and I wished she knew it so she would do something with her gift.
Hi Emma, welcome to Canada. Listen Toronto is a dull stuffy very expensive place. But go to the library, check out EarlyOn Centres, check out yoga places and wait for spring & summer things get amazing over there. I am in a Niagara Region of Ontario, I wish I could meet you for a coffee and show you around. Hugs and I hope you feel better.
I wonder if she has ADHD! I just got diagnosed recently at 32 and did really well in school but have been struggling with adult life and feel as disconnected as she described. I hope she can get the support she needs, whatever that looks like.
I know how you feel Emma. I did complete my education, but haven't achieve my career goals like I had hoped by his time of my life. I totally understand about looking at social media... My drug of choice is RU-vid. I have those feelings of failure, but I realize that everybody else sees me differently. I am still bothered by not having the job title and responsibilities I hoped for, but I'm finding other things outside of work to keep me busy. Give yourself some grace. You will achieve your goal or your true passion. Hopefully, you have some mentors in your life to give you guidance. I wish you all the best.
Greetings from Germany, dear Emma. I'm hugging you from far away. I have no good advice for you. But I just want you to know: you are understood. Someday you'll be fine. You are still so young, you will make it. ❤
Yes, she needs light! It's winter and she's in a dark place. And moving to a new country is HARD. Even though it's cold, she needs to get out of the house and go to any event she can find - clubs, church, presentations at the library, meetup groups, maybe volunteering somewhere.
I have the same problem, been struggling for months to study on a simple ass job but can't just make myself focus. For the first time in months i read 2 chapters out of no where and i was feeling like see its not so bad! Then just go back to the same bs and back to a rut
Rising 3 kids isn't 'just the basics'. There are couples that would trade all their PhD's to have a single child. Her PhD can wait. Time, that she could spend with her small kids can't.
I’m kind of in a similar situation as this lady, I have two bachelors and was working on a Master’s in Accounting however I suffered from infertility and eventually got pregnant, becoming a mother took precedence. I don’t see myself as a failure I’ve just had to adapt to my current circumstances, I’m currently a SAHM I still pursue personal development opportunities as long as they don’t interfere with my home life. Sometimes we have to let go or modify the things we used to want.
What a lovely woman! Dang, she has done a lot. She needs to rest! Just a thought - perhaps all this go, go, go has recked her endocrine system. Her body is saying NO more. Maybe investigate a hormone/adrenal/thyroid imbalance - even though she is only in her 30's. Wanting her to find joy and peace. 😊
Comparison is the theft of Joy! Expectations for how your life is “supposed to turn out” WILL slowly kill you. SOMETHINGS ARE OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Breathe! It’s okay! You’re on your own journey!
She's crying because she feels like a failure and her current life is what I dream of haha. But I get the frustration she's feeling with herself. I think social media has become an addiction as bad as alcohol is for some and it's not being taken as serious as it should. At the same time I think with her it's possible that she needs to do a little bit of nothing and chilling in her life. She's got so much going on she needs to rest and just chill also.
I haven't seen any comments yet about the part where she says that she has never been in one place for more than 4 years. It is very unsettling, to be constantly uprooting and moving somewhere else. She is probably desperately trying to hold on to the one thing that makes her feel grounded, and that is work, research and whatever else her work entails. It is the one constant that can be relied on. And to have that disrupted.... It feels like the world is falling apart and you can't gain any footing. It makes sense if you think about it. I really feel for her 🩷.
Life changes, especially after becoming a parent. It can be hard to accept that, and know you’re different and can’t necessarily be the person you were, or have your former life. Embracing her new life is what she needs to do, and it will be worth it, but it won’t be easy.
I honestly think she needs support from her husband as well. Sounds like she's lonely and very much away from a very supportive network that would rally her own. Very much immigrant woes.
I’ve been in same boat whenever I have finished college or a goal I had to be pushed because I needed it not wanted it even now financially I don’t need to do anything but I want to but guess what I don’t do anything else besides home making now. I have this same pull I need to be doing something but I know unless I need to to survive I won’t do it
I have listened and heard many people who are suffering from this type of procrastination that seems like laziness. I suffer from no motivation or care to even get up out of bed. I have been isolated and abused by a man who I divorced 24 years ago. He has never stopped trashing to everyone in my life. At my workplace, my church, and he is not a part of my church, but he makes calls to my pastor, calls police with lies, I wasn't even there. Over time, and his persistentance, I have a history of things I have never done, and acused of being a person I have nothing in common with. Many people are entertained by this crap and will help him at times. Men like him, mostly.
I had to take over a decade and a half out of work to raise 3 kids as I had zero childcare/support network and I felt EXACTLY this. You don't realise it right now, because having a high iq, not working/earning and being isolated at home makes you feel invalid, useless, insignificant - but you are actually doing the hardest and most important job on the planet - RAISING THE NEXT GEN!!! I recently returned to work full time as my 3 kids are now teens, I am already missing the self oriented bliss of motherhood and housewifery, I'm sat in a room of immature childless women who dont realise how privileged they are. Life changes when you become a parent, a mother is born when a baby is born and all notions of "self" die. Stop being so self absorbed, put down the phone, embrace motherhood, cherish your children, you're not a teen student, work will always be there - your kids won't. I'm just starting out on my career again and I'm 41, much love ✌🏻
Even superwoman needs some joy in her life, even if it's just one thing to look forward to every day. That PhD can be put aside for six months or a year with a personal deadline for starting again - then relax and focus on yourself and the family, because kids grow up so fast. At 33 you are still young and hopefully have a lifetime ahead, so spread it out a little. I did abusive husband, demanding job(s), 2 kids, advanced studies etc. and it nearly broke me physically - and little thereof is left now that I am retired! This intelligent woman needs to give herself small breaks to find solutions, not excuses, e.g. getting more light in winter (do sunbeds still exist?). Write the steps down, if need be, and follow them, because you have gone into freeze mode with too many demands to process.
It's The age we live in, this is the most distractive time ever. RU-vid, instagram, Facebook,etc. spend millions and millions to capture peoples attention and be as addictive as possible with never-ending content and it's not just kids it affects even smart grown adults like her can't focus on the stuff they need to do with all the distractions, especially during and after the pandemic when there was nothing else to do everybody developed an addiction to online content.
Emma, some advice my dad gave me: Take one day at a time. Go for a walk (it's freezing where you live, but maybe you can walk the mall loop a couple of times?). Each day has something you can enjoy - did your baby laugh? Wasn't that the most beautiful thing you have ever heard?! Even if it is just one thing, remember it; write it down. Replay it in your mind when the negative thoughts began to creep in. And lastly, call someone you trust and tell them how you are feeling.
Admittedly, I don't understand people like this. I'm less accomplished than this lady and it truly boggles me. My only theory is that this is a secular Western thing. I'd say start with gratitude.
With all the stuff going on in her life, PLUS she moved to Canada just in time for a long, cold, dark Canadian winter… That’s brutal. It sounds minute, but as a Canadian myself, seasonal affective disorder is REAL. Winter can have massive adverse effects on mental health.
As someone who has moved to a foreign country with young children…it is very normal to go through a long period of time where you literally just shut down. He is right about being tied to your phone during that time because you have no actual community anymore for that feeling of connection. I thought there was something wrong with me…then I started connecting to other expats and realized that it was all of us. It’s a traumatic experience even in the most privileged scenarios. I don’t think she should underestimate that
Our society is always looking up to idea of always getting better, healthier, wealthier, smarter. I don’t think that is what we should be centered on. We should center outward.
Being exceptional is mundane. Let's say you are in the top 1% of the smartest people in a country. That is often enough to be the smartest kid in class. However, if we look at Canada, which has a population of 40 million, this still means that there are 400,000 people who are as smart or smarter than you. Worldwide, there are 80 Million people in the same bracket, which is the size of a country like Germany. There are a lot of people who feel like a failure in life even though they are doing exceptionally well in many aspects, and even a failure would still be a success for many other people. Failing to finish your PhD still assumes a fair level of success, as you need to be successful in your studies to get to this point in the first place. But there is an idea of who you are and what you should or could be based on your "potential". But it is often an illusion. There is also an idea that if you are great in some aspects, the things that are common should be easy. And this is simply not the case. Most "dream jobs" are 95% doing mundane stuff. If you think you are destined for great things, doing mundane things can feel like a failure, even though it is not.
When you’re broke, not knowing where your next meal is coming from (as I am at age 60) all these “problems” that people have seem so small. This is not meant to offend but give perspective. People don’t realize how good they have it until the basics aren’t there.
Here's what I think she should do: She should try to do an online course or something that she can manage to study, and then realise if this is still her life. If it is, well, then we have an issue, which can only be solved with time, when the kids are older, or the home-work dynamic needs to change. If she doesn't, then great. However, I think that only she can find the answer in this, by trying something once more through an easier version.
