@@amandahaithcock6473 Everything on this channel. I did what he said and it worked and my child even punched me in the face. My ex was forced to put him in counseling after that. He had to pay to fix what he broke. Lol
Sorry to hear that War Against Myself, but I completely understand. Hang in there, there is a pathway to getting your life back it's just not an easy one.
The hardest part is the kids can’t even realize that their feelings and actions in this regard are not their own, but rather programmed by the alienating parent. Sadly, parental alienation is very effective. Not sure there’s any solution. Just try to mitigate the damage by not reacting, staying positive, and realizing the the primary victims are the children, not even you as the alienated parents. Just saying this doesn’t help much, though. Life is cruel. Just do your best within the given time. Some things in life cannot be won.
Yeah I hear you on that one Whirlwind... However you actually hit the "solution" which is mitigating the damage and not falling in to the toxic trap of the ex. In my experience the only antidote for parental alienation is building on that relationship with the kids and maintaining that connection with them. It's just very difficult to do (and we should NEVER have to do it) but it can be VERY effective. I think what you said DOES help and it is good to hear other people say it because when you realize this THEN you can have the perseverance to push through this and NOT fall for their traps. Do you have a relationship with your kids anymore or has it already been destroyed? I came really close to losing it all.
@@DSD I have every other weekend. With extended summer and the majority of vacation time. In total it’s about 35% of year. I do have a relationship with my kids, strained though it is due to “out of sight out of mind” combined with the fact that their mom limits their phone calls and texts with me to 1-2 times per week and makes them feel guilty for wanting more. It is what it is. The toughest part is, due to logistics and work, I can’t move to ex’s town and my kids don’t want to leave their friends and social activities. Just gotta play the long game.
I know I have said it before, but our situations are so similar, it's scarry. I'm just very thankful, that your channel is helping so many people feel that we are not alone. God bless you Sir 🙏🏼🙂👍
Thank you so much for the support! What you said is the reason why I made this channel in the first place. You feel so alone and like you're losing your mind. If this "project" can help someone get their life back then at least the negative experience can be used for something good!
Like Gold 5 said during the attack on the Death Star: "Stay on target!" Thanks Duane for always circling back to the primary focus: our relationships with our kids.
@@DSD Not crazy. I think I described my issue no? I don't want to co e of bias but when it comes to a lot court cases I've seen, women get away with "murder". It almost seems as is female judges instinctively side with women regardless of the actual facts.
I've never in my life been through something so horrible, but not too many... besides a few people close to me see it. YEARS of hateful text....no one sees them.....money stolen from the kids savings...no one cares. I've dealt with parental alienation for the past 4 years and it's not getting "better". It's sick and now the kids have been turned against me. She has brought the kids into business that they have no business being involved in, but somehow I'm the bad guy. I know that I'm the better parent and if she was honest with herself...she would admit it too. Hell...she has already admitted it multiple times, but I didn't' save those text. I'm done with this and done with her.
@@StephWatson87 Thanks man...even though I know what you are saying is true, for some reason it's nice to hear it reflected back..ya know? Anyway...hang in there man. They can't stop our light from shining.
Enlightened Target went through this, she has a channel. It's a heartbreaking long game, her son eventually realised. Pray and stay in truth really feel for you 🙏
To my Dear ex: “One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your troubles on. When you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.” Jack Kornfield
So far, my experience is, when my borderline ex talks about emotional abuse of the kids, it's actually differences of parenting styles. Currently, the 18 year old is emancipated, because the borderline allowed her to make a decision to leave (the BPD side of the Convo). Now the ex wants me to follow her lead and for her to return to purgatory. While I agree with the ex, she is not living with an acceptable place/person, at 18, she is allowed to make adult decisions. So, my experience hearing a mom with a PO, claim abuse, I still feel like someone is not being honest with themselves or others. It's just that they disagree with their baby daddy.
I’m headed to the same situation. I’ve been holding on to a high conflict marriage for years now. It seems as though when I stand for what I believe, and know is right I have a lot of push back from wife. I think we’re at a breaking point now it’s sad mostly for the boys. I’ve known she is emotionally abusive but trying to do the right thing. All my extended family doesn’t want to hear about it I don’t know what to do just surviving day to day.
Thanks Duane Great show 👍 As I just had court today and you are right. My Nark. Broken court orders My daughter won't stay weekends Because I have stares in my house ??? (There is also stares in the home house) and the decision of the court is to hear the case in 3 months??? No slap on the rist for breaking the court orders ! Why stop the grave train as I think the layers are sitting back thinking it's all fun and games with there pockets open 🤔 Thanks Duane 😉 Mick from Ireland 🇮🇪
That's crazy - it generally goes the other direction. This channel has to seem a bit bizarre. But, if you ever have any of your friends/family that go through a divorce or toxic relationship that just doesn't seem to make sense send them this way - it can really help!
That's all my wife literally wants to do, they are always the good guy and I am always the bad guy. Mean dad, wonderful mother, this is always the narrative, it literally never changes. I am a fifth wheel, irrelevant, except on payday.
It’s that! It’s not a competition, but they treat it like one- and they won’t compete for the child’s best interests. If they pay attention to the child’s needs, it’s only when they are serving their own needs. In the same situation, if the benefit is to the other parent, it’s no longer in the child’s best interests. There’s one parent following the rules, documenting, sharing information, writing using BIFF (as RU-vid suggests). The other parent tries to subvert and manipulate the rules, even makes up their own rules, won’t share information, tells care providers not to cooperate with the other parent… and the court refuses to hold the competitive parent in contempt. They are still in the mindset that both parents must be equally responsible for conflict and they want parents to hash it out on their own. Isn’t that what the courts are for? To apply decision-making, accountability, and force to situations where the parents have exhausted all their options?
You are so right about that Eponymous User…. The only time they pay attention to the “best interest” is if it is something against the other parent they can use…. You’re so right that most people believe BOTH parents must be equally responsible for the conflict - it is SO frustrating. Hell I had people say that directly to me, “You just need to take the high road, you are both making this difficult.” The reality is in a toxic ex’s mind “compromise” is you going away, giving them everything, and always agreeing to everything they say or want…. We are starting to see a shift in family court where they are starting to hold people accountable BUT it is after YEARS of conflict…
@@DSD truth. What is being done about this? Do you know what the avenues of change are? How could the Family Court system be encouraged to focus on conflict resolution and the best interests of the child rather than property rights? The professionals involved really don’t even seem to want to participate in the process. There are mediators who are antagonistic, attorneys who will lie to you, and judges who treat Family Court cases like an inconvenience. Isn’t this their job? Why are parents supposed to tuck tails in repentance? They had a kid together- after one encounter or after years of relationship. They both want to participate. They can’t agree on how. The FamilyCourt’s job is to make decisions in the children’s best interests when parents can’t and to use force to gain compliance. Why do they spend so much time passing the buck back to the parents? It seems to me that the justice system deals with criminal issues in one manner and property issues in another, and I think Family court needs another approach altogether. How do you think ordinary citizens can support productive reform in the family court system?
I think the problem is that *most* divorces, although nasty, tend to turn around after a while (like first year). Most people are not screwed up in the head and play these games. Most after a while realize it is just adding too much chaos into everyone's lives so parents will start to work together. But unlucky ones like us have a ex that will ALWAYS play these games and will burn everything to the ground trying to live their chaotic fantasy land... When we're stuck in those relationships the "system" just isn't designed to deal with mental health issues... So they "play" the antagonistic and inconvenience mindset thinking people. I mean WHO in their "right mind" would STILL be playing these stupid mind games after 10 years (in my case)...
@@DSD And that’s for people who were in relationships with their “co-parent.” We’re in an age of hookup culture. Some people in high conflict child custody are there due to a brief interaction that was never intended to be a relationship. Tinder babies. This is an important difference for 2 reasons: 1. They don’t know each other. There’s no understanding of patterns, preferences for living, they’ve never shared anything except sex. 2. In the more sinister situations, the woman may expect to get a relationship because she had the child. That entitlement alone sets a horrible precedent of not respecting the other parent’s choices. They can then be expected to continue that pattern of control and entitlement not just with the man, but the child as well. This isn’t every woman, and some men remove condoms without consent for the same effect. This is what I see as a worst case scenario. Your child is being raised half the time (if you’re lucky) by an emotionally immature, vindictive, entitled, delusional STRANGER. The plus is that there’s gratitude for the fact you never loved them, that the guilt trips don’t hit home because you never had an emotional investment for them to manipulate. The lack of familiarity with them, their lifestyle, their choices, the “good” parts of them makes it frightening. There’s more than one road that leads to this dumpster fire, but no one goes unburned when you get thrown in. The kids always get burned the worst.
@@DSD I am over 6 years into this battle and going to mediation tomorrow and he has every intention to continue this crap. The money and time spent doing this is insane and should be going to the kids but nope, he wants to win!!!!! It's diabolical and I can't wrap my brain around this behavior.
In my mind there are 2. When they have restricted your time to nothing with the kids or when you have enough evidence to actually win a court case. That does not mean though that you give into to whatever they want and get walked all over. I’ve just seen people get mad and lash out in court and it generally doesn’t work out. You have to be strategic and. Of tactical in your “dance” with them. Hopefully that makes sense
My question is does she have an attorney and if not can the Family Court appoint one for her? Has she been in touch with a domestic violence organization in her area? If he has not turned in mental health, drug or alcohol testing that's been requested by the court that is potential leverage in her favor. Experienced Domestic Violence professionals deal with this type of case often, and likely may be able to help guide, assist and support her; as well as advisor on the issue she's experienced with the kids. I also feel that it's only a matter of time before he starts turning his behavior towards them. If he's truly a narcissist he doesn't know how to have healthy relationships and if he's truly physically abusive or otherwise mistreats, he doesn't know how to deal with conflict, and conflict is inevitable in a family. So maybe for her to do her best and then leave the rest. Remaining accessible to the kids in the future while taking care of herself and getting involved with some support groups for persons in narcissistic relationships or persons experiencing domestic violence, in the meantime.
Family Court does not have an option for an appointed attorney. The ONLY caveat is if you are in the process of having “the state” take the children away from you THEN you can have an attorney appointment for you. But in “normal” family court issues you either hire your own attorney or represent yourself. The problem in her case (I think she provided more information in a comment on this video) is that the issue was a threat at the beginning but no physical violence. Unfortunately the system generally doesn’t care unless you’ve been physically attacked. Plus it seems that if it went to court the 10yo and 19yo would testify supporting the dad - which is going to hurt her position even more. Like I mentioned in the video she needs to work on that relationship with the 10yo and start bridging the gap there. THAT is where, in my opinion, she is going to have the most success. The reality is *most* (not all) children really do want to have a relationship with the other parent. We have to find a way to “let” that happen and then built upon it. BUT access is the critical step in that…. Then we just have to be extremely careful HOW we interact with them because they will have been primed for us to respond in a certain way.
Thanks so much Duane for all your videos and commentary it's very, very, very helpful, and therapeutic. In New York City Family Court, if you meet certain income guidelines you can be appointed an attorney. Also there are domestic violence offices within the Family Court, Criminal Court and within many police precincts; and it's possible even if your case is not overtly physically assaultive in nature, but there is a history of the use of fear and intimidation towards the litigating party and/or the children, an attorney who is domestic violence trained can be arranged to advise or be assigned. In NYC there's a lot of specialized services centrally located right within the court systems where Family and Criminal proceedings convene. The city is setting precedents, but there are similar programs around the nation. I wasn't certain whether the caller might have access to some like services in her geographical area.
They really do not make this “process” easy to navigate…. Its just the opposite. They should allow everyone to have an appointed attorney for family court. Making people go bankrupt to go through this is just wrong. Then add in the abuse of the systems and it will just break you. Just look at the movie Divorce Corp and you can see the devastation that it causes both men and women AND for the children. It is just horrible…
Johnny Depp has come out as a hero for putting himself out there against his narcissistic ex wife. His entire case so far sounds like he had to deal with the same crazymaking that I had to deal with with mine. I hope this helps to shine a light on the abuse that men (and women) put up with and the damage it does to their kids.
I know that's not the focus of this channel and I'm sorry for the pessimism, but every parent, no matter if they're single or happily married, will lose their children's hearts. This is our post-war culture, this is the imposition of our society: parents, send your children out of the house as soon as they turn 18; children, go in search of your most trivial pleasures and leave your parents, without looking back.
Never forget that these are feminist laws intended to protect women, regardless of the psychological and personality disorders. My ex, a professor of political science in corruption and gender studies, in Croatia, is using her academic credentials, influence, connections, and expertise to misuse these laws, in an effort to save face from her malicious and criminal actions, which is a definition of corruption. Xenophobia, racism, and my emotional condition do not help my cause in this corrupted country. My children, as stated by a psychiatrist, are having memories implanted, they are rejecting me and want to put a bomb on me to see me go off. The myopia of everyone involved overwhelms me. Can judges, attorneys, social workers, and other professionals not see that my children and I will have a long-term psychological effect? I went through this before. My 37-year-old daughter is overweight, chronically depressed, with intimacy, and has self-image issues. She believed daddy walked away and didn't love her. Her brother stutters, has difficulty expressing himself, and has intimacy and trust issues with me. They both have a very superficial relationship with the mother who denied them their father with utmost malice. Although my son told me he knows he was lied about me, our relationship is not strong. There are no good mothers, only emotional and financial predators seeking attention as the victims they are not. The system is set up this way to exploit men. Again, where are the good mothers protecting their boys' futures from predatorial women?
I am so sorry Franco, that you are going through this. In my case all the actions described are done by the father. You are right that many more men are being put through the wringer by proxy with the laws being the way they are but this is rapidly changing. I was totally scrutinized for being a working mother after I left the marriage and was told the kids are better off w/dad who has a new partner who hardly works. Although she does not care for the kids in any form or shape, I felt entirely dumbfounded by the ways of the court. I pay child support, he controls everything and has effected the relationship with the children deeply. I am originally from Germany and understand that Croatia might be way behind when it comes to equal rights however my own personal experience does not verify your broad generalization. Your words express your personal hate toward your ex and I can get that but stating that there aren’t any mothers, who seemingly are not personality disordered or evil at the core do not exist isn’t true. I personally believe it happens to parents. Not only men but many women, too, as PD’s do proportionally exist in both genders. I had no true idea what I was up against. Wishing all of us strength, patience and needed endurance.
