If You Are Struggling To Connect With REAL Friends, You're Probably Doing THIS! 

Oh Carla, I just heard your story! I can Totally relate! I am 62 and most the people I work with are are 30 years or more younger than I! They are very fun, but I am not their peer. I meet friends in a twelve step program. We usually dont go out, often we don't even know each other's last name, but for 1 hour a week, I know I will see them. Sometimes more comes from these relationships, I guess what people want. I seem to be pretty content with just the time I see them at meetings. Just want you to know, you are not alone with these feelings you expressed!!! ❤ PS, Carla, I Did mistake them, and other's, in their 40s for wanting g a friendship from me, as I did from them. I was so disappointed, really with the 40 something group when they weren't interested! I often forget the age difference, as I still feel like I'm younger. Ugh, tough when we recognize others not reciprocating our feelings. I Get it!!

I'm bothered by a catch 22 here. We're told since we don't have a real family, we need to "create" our family thru friends. Then We're told we can't expect very much of those friendships, don't get attached, only connect once a month, realize our needs or wants cannit be a priority to oir friends, ect because they are just friends and not family. To expect anything like family from friends or to be devoted to our friends, like we would to siblings, is codependent, unhealthy. Does anyone else see this? Just me?

I don’t care What age you are at. It is difficult to make good friends. People are full of negativity and everyone is struggling with something. Good video Ana. ❤️

At 45 I’m looking back on so many friendships that I’ve fled from due to childhood pain. Makes me so sad on friendships I’ve lost 😢

Yep, totally get Carla. I am so crushed because awhile back I decided to not reach out to anyone because it seemed like I was the only one working for any type of connection. Guess what. NOBODY reached out to me. I'm 61 and I just don't get it. I have tons of acquaintances but to have a female friend that really gets me and accepts me is something I've not experienced. I've been ghosted by every group out there and never really knowing where I fit, or which group I fit. So, I just stay alone. It's easier.

I think also because we *were* neglected we weren't taught/allowed to figure out how to socialize. Good topic: socializing w/ 1. acquainted 2. work "friends" 3. casual friends 4. close friends 5. romantic partner

Community college classes are great places to meet friends of all ages.

My frienships have dwindled to almost nothing. For me as a middle aged person who now works from home, forming new connections seems like an impossibility. I have a few old friends, but none live near me and it feels like I am always the one initiating the contact.

The pain of having no friends, no family, and I can't even afford to have a pet -- self-pity aside, there is nothing I have experienced, literally nothing, that is as painful as social isolation. And having cPTSD your friendships fall apart and you don't even know why. But this seemingly unbearable emptiness inside has exposed my ego and is useful as a spiritual teacher (no thing in this world will ever make me feel whole). I'm glad we're all on this healing journey together, I hope we all find that special person one day 💖

Actually, it’s been my experience, that my Being so accommodating and doing anything and everything for “friends, “led me to be taken advantage of time and time again. When I got fed up with doing all the giving, and receiving nothing, yes nothing, in return, I just shut the person out. These are not true friends; They are users. It is not easy to find true friend. One can have lots of acquaintances by being super nice, but heaven help you if you ever need anything in return.

I love that you mention dressing up. I'm a wallflower type that has trouble speaking up, and recently I've been trying to learn non verbal ways to express myself. Dressing up a couple times a week has actually done a lot for my peace and confidence because like, nothing bad happens. I'm standing out from the crowd in a positive, creative way, and there are no consequences. Ive been doing this for almost a year, and someone made fun of me for veing overdressed the other day. First time that's happened. And my confidence was enough that i just rolled my eyes at him, totally unhurt. Its a great feeling.

Alexa, remind me to buy an interesting book. 😂 Thank You to CCF and the woman who wrote this letter. This community is a sanity saving reminder that we are not alone in our battle. Thanks for being here. ❤

This could be me. I got surrounded by selfish folks. I did JUST what you described, serving others' needs. I finally got " woke" after a lifetime. I had to clear out a lot of trash. Following this. I find I 'm lonely ... for healthy people.

Some of us with autism struggle with this for a different reason. Our true nature is to be 'low key' and relaxed, but this behavior does not make or result in friends. We actually have to put effort into making friends, which is beyond our usual self. Then when we go back to being our usual self for a time, it looks like we have withdrawn. And so far, trying to explain this to prospective friends doesn't help the matter, and seems to come off as despiration.

Yes, dress colorful. I shop at goodwill,found so much fun clothes!

I'm an Irish Scorpio with ADHD and CPTSD. I used to joke with my kids that it's a wonder I'm not in jail. I have one long term friend (40+ yrs) and have been more successful at making and keeping friendships by becoming my own best friend. doing the daily practice is really helping too. Sending big hugs to all fellow CPTSDers 🤗🤗🤗🤗

I can relate to Carla! All i ever wanted was to fit in and be accepted by a friend or group of friends. I met this girl (i’ll call her (Sarah) through a coworker. She was my coworker’s best friend, and we had a few things in common. I really wanted to be her friend. I invited her to a concert because I didn’t want to go alone, but she ended up inviting her friend and a guy she met at a rodeo the night before. I was a bit hurt she wouldn’t just come with me, but i rolled with it. I was enjoying the concert and went to the bar to get a drink, and when i returned, they were all gone. I texted Sarah to ask where they were and she said, “Oh, we went home.” The random bloke she brought with her felt sick apparently. But they didn’t say goodbye or let me know. As hurt as i was by this, I continued to invite her to things and she continued to demonstrate her indifference towards me. But there is a lovely ending to this story. Through therapy and a lot of self-analysis i started to assess my true feelings, interests, hobbies, beliefs and every aspect of my life i’d tried to mould to everyone else’s. Eventually i ended up meeting my best friend who has been my biggest blessing and encouragement. It took over a year for us to really become friends after meeting. We started out just seeing each other maybe once a month or less, but over time little by little i saw that she was a trustworthy person and we both cared about each other and mutually enjoyed each other’s company. It took a lot of patience, healing and learning, but it was well worth the work.

“Concern shaming.” Such a great coinage. I have a friend who did that to me recently. I’m generally someone who is not anxiously attached when it comes to friends (but anxious about a lot of other things though heh), while she is super anxiously attached when it comes to friends. Most of our friendship has been me caretaking her, tiptoeing around her needs, and not speaking my mind for fear of that fact that it’ll lead to a mini breakdown for her. Recently, she did something that really upset me, and I had to take time away from her to deal on my own. But she reached out to me incessantly, to the point where she concern shamed me that I was ignoring her when all she wanted was to check in on me. I didn’t respond to that either, because it came off as l extremely emotionally manipulative to me. Of course it’s not about whether I’m okay; why won’t I be okay? If something we physically wrong with my health, I know she would’ve heard through our common relations. So, clearly it wasn’t her looking after my well-being, it was her looking after her well-being, like she always does. I was very angry with her and I didn’t respond to her and only responded when I was ready and when she was un-defensive enough to listen to my concerns. I know her behaviors weren’t meant to be malignant, but after years of friendship, I realized that I had spoiled her and that if I didn’t stand my ground finally, she would continue to torpedo me with her needs. Things are getting better now. My focus is on me, so anyone who tries to get in the way of that, intentionally or unintentionally, will get reassigned in my life right now. But, I think she is finally healing her friendship trauma, and finding and making other friends, which is exactly what I wanted for her. I’ll always be there for her, but I cannot mother her anymore. I wanted to bring up one other point. What Anna said is right. Make friends in the same age group as you, though I do have friends who are much older and much younger. But, I adjust my expectations from those outside of my age group accordingly. I know it’s not their job to make me feel included, I know it’s my job to find people who I naturally feel I belong with. Finally, having a wide array of friends gives you the option of tapping into different people to get your different needs met. That way you don’t put too much on one person, thereby unwittingly overwhelming them and pushing them away. Everyone needs to do their own trauma work.

I thought I finally had a 'real' friend. We were discussing my upcoming trip to a semi dodgy area, and she very helpfully mentioned that because I am "a bit frumpy and a bit ugly" I will "be fine". She finished with "No offense". I was stunned and hurt. BUT this woman had to leave her last place because her neighbours slashed her tires, has 2 "arch enemies" (her words) in her current building. After days of beating myself up I finally put together that the time previous when I had seen her she had said something about my boots (nice and how did I get them). In the conversation in question she also mentioned how every man on the beach that day had "come on" to her. Even figuring out the reasons, it still is disappointing that someone I trusted turned out like this, again. I took myself into town today and people didn't recoil in horror, so I can't be that bad....

Just because you admire someone & want to be friends doesn't mean *they* want to be friends with *you*

"Between Me, My God and my piece of paper" amen!!!! I feel that. ..and talk less write more....my 1st aha moment of 2023!

Making friends is not only hard for people with cptsd , I think has become harder for everyone! People move around a lot these days, communities are not as strong as they used to be, and families are smaller. While technology has helped mankind in many ways, it can also create isolation. Americans work long hours, and often have odd work schedules, which makes socializing difficult.. Our society seems to place high importance on things, money, status, and so many spend their time chasing after these things. Much has been written lately on the subject of loneliness and lack of friendship....it's a really common problem for so many reasons.

This whole video hit home for me. I'm also 63 & feel the same way. I've been working on myself but ctpsd is sometimes easier to forget & throw away the key. I don't feel like I'm a victim, I feel invisible & somewhat hopeless. Still trudging onward with a new spark. Thank you Anna.

Childhood Fairy has been a blessing. Now I am almost 28 and ready to turn my life for the better. To be honest, when I realized that I was having these exact same patterns you describe in your videos, I felt understood and kinda scared. Scared that I was about to miss the best parts of life: love and friendships. Now I am going to therapy and aware of my trauma-driven actions. Big thank you!

As a younger person, I was always grateful to be invited and hang out with or have dinner with older members of my community. The thing is... you're the elder, you're the matriarch, your the head person. You are the one who has to invite the younger folks over to hang out, you're the one who organizes the parties and the big events. It's just social norm ingrained in us to respect our elders that way. And when I got invited, I respected them and visited them. And they weren't boring or dull... they were actually constants or rocks in my life that I could rely on for advice and wisdom (or food! when I was in college and too busy to cook, that was so important! I know it's a material thing but there were times I had a hard time surviving), until they sadly passed. It's all about a youngster/elder dynamic. So the thing you're probably not seeing is that your status is higher than you realize, and that you have to accept it and integrate into it. Do people like to hang out with other youth? Sure. But at a certain point they do need the older friend who is their rock and their guide, and even their leader. Later as I grew older, younger people invited me to things that were great, but I was the one who felt out of place, and wanted to be with peers, but they valued me and valued my insight, so I had to start seeing myself in that older youth role, like a mentor.

Remember in your twenties when you felt insecure and sometimes needy? Then you try to act like you don't feel that way. Then you encounter all kinds of people who behave in all kinds of ways you never would and you were shocked and would not allow yourself to respond in kind back at them. You walk away feeling angry, hurt, and oblivious of what to do and this goes on for years. Then you get up to your fifties to sixties and have experiences of all kinds of abuse, hurt, shock, disappointment. You have been nice, patient, understanding and other people don't reciprocate. Then your reach a precipitous and stop giving a shit about what people think of you and you start telling the truth to the the users, manipulators, mean people. You start holding people accountable and they don't like it or you for saying it. Then you realize that alone is better than fake people who don't give a fuck about you. I have faced with great pain, heartbreak, disappointment sometimes loneliness that I'm not good at superficial. Remember all those people still tolerate what you use to tolerate and you can't change them. My parents had no wisdom to teach me, so I floundered my whole life. Now I do the best I can to be real also speak up and rarely does anyone admire that. Now you don't want to go back to the way you were and either way you go ,there are consequences. I know so many women who stay in relationships for years with no love no respect because their payoff is money, material comfort and terrified to be alone with themselves. All I can say is I live alone and get lonely, scared, needy and at least I have some self respect and dignity and I'm not going back to the way I was.

Wow, dealing with the same thing. I lashed out and lost a friend group of 35 years. They have no idea of my CPTSD. I’m 59 and have no friends in my town or anyone I feel actually would go out of their way to just have lunch

Try 73. This has hit me harder than anything you’ve ever said thank you!❤

More friendship videos!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

My problem with forming friendships has been that Ive been drawn to people with trauma but who haven’t dealt with it fully so they ended up having a (misguided, from my perspective) trauma response that made me not trust them because they put me in dangerous situations…. 😅 Authenticity has not been a problem for a long time for me 🤗 but I’d still like to have more friends!

I’m the same age as Carla and have been a friendship chameleon for most of my life. When I couldn’t fake things anymore, I lost or let go of all my friends. Anger at the world also haunted me in jobs. I made friends really easily but wasn’t good at keeping them. I lost several significant friendships for the reasons you outline in this video, some of which were ended by me and the rest by them. One deep friendship ended because I couldn’t get over the tough love she dished out, and I’m so regretful now. I relate to Carla SO well and feel such sadness for her.

Honestly struggle to keep good close friends at times. I have some, but its hard. I am just a generally nice person but last time I lost a friend was them scolding me like a child (I'm in my 30's) for laughing too loud. I tried to say that we probably aren't compatible if me being happy makes them upset, but they insisted multiple times that I was somehow at fault for laughing and being happy around them, and I just said I would rather go where my personality can be appreciated, not shut down. Like. Just weird. Who does that. If I'm overwhelmed by someone else's personality just being too much, thats a me problem not something they've personally done WRONG. Realized that well. The only times in my life that I couldn't laugh or smile was when I was being abused, and its why I felt so hurt when he flat out said he preferred me when my personality was small and scared. Nope. Don't need that.

Ugh this hits home. I’m super “nice” and put up with bad treatment again and again until I burst and all of it comes out at once. That’s one way to lose a friend. But I have also been the too “nice” person who gets ghosted because I’m too accommodating and makes people uncomfortable. I have been on the receiving end of that too, I end up losing interest because they are trying too hard to be “nice” that they are boring.

Being ghosted hurts. It happens frequently to me. I’m 64 and recognize a lot of what Carla said. I have that imbalance of excessively wanting to please others, while interpreting every little terse or unenthusiastic statement from someone as rejection of me. I’ve been progressing in the last 10 years, but these obstacles persist.

You know the fact that I am so very scared to watch your videos means I need to. thank you for what you do. This sht is really very hard. My heart goes out to us all ❤️

I want her to be my fairy godmother. Binge watching this channel this weekend, it’s so lovely and calming

Cant help but feel for Carla, whoever you are and to anyone else be your best friend, 1st Love yourself more than anything, treat yourself, speak to yourself like your speaking to a little cute baby, start with baby steps too and work through your problems. Much Love

I agree with this poor lady! “Fake friends”…..happens all the time to me! However…I am only comfortable being a giver, a healer. I’m very uncomfortable receiving! Yes, I was neglected, actually was told by my mother that she tried to abort me. Plus…(I was a clergyman’s wife) 🙄. Poor Carla I get her.

What gets me is …..I encourage and build up friends, their self esteem goes up, and they use my words, copy my style, and all of a sudden I’m not good enough to hang out with, it’s weird, everything is happy and fun and then, the relationship turns into a one woman show with me as the captive audience…..Or I get dumped…..it’s really disheartening, I know who I am, I know my kindness, I know my ❤……I don’t get it…..happens to my kids, too…..that really breaks my heart, my kids are such great human beings…..lots of prayers on my end…..love to all of you who go thru the same✨

Wow, this was right on time. I don't have one friend accept for my poor husband. That being said, he is putting up with my crap. This is so needed right this second. Thank you!

When I was in my 20-30s, I got hung up when I saw my friends went to parties without asking me. I can get upset but now when I am in my 40s, I just don’t care any more.Sometimes it’s not about you. I think we should make friends not by quantity but quality. You don’t wanna make friends who are toxic for sure. I learned in a hard way…..so don’t let your friends upset you, if they do, they are not true friends

I used daily practice (not daily) to help me calm my triggers. I did this when a friend misunderstood me when she said I had an attitude with her. I just apologized to her. What I did was wrote my resentments and fears on paper and burned it and then did the 20 min meditation. Instead of getting the urge to yell at her, I just sent her love and respect and was able to come to her from a neutral space.

" sometimes we are just tap dancing for approval" that was brilliant 🤣

I feel doomed! Going through medical issues, my house is in the middle of a major reform, which is going on for ten years, no family or friends and have this emptiness inside…I feel like everything I try is going to lead me nowhere. It looks like an autoimmune deficiency only that’s emotional…

Thank you! My husband watched with me. He tries really hard to be there for me when I am sick. He had a crappie childhood too, he doesn’t know how to help, he tries.

SO helpful, thank you. I'm breaking free of the need to turn to friends to help prop me up emotionally. I'm turning to journaling & prayer. My heart goes out to Carla, I hear the pain & despair in her letter. I've been there many times. I'm praying for her.

Some of us just can't find the right words to express what we're feeling at crucial moments. That's when relationships can be damaged. I didn't like how my friend acted when she was drunk, but I didn't have the courage to tell her. One day, I had enough. We took a long break from each other. Years later, she's no longer drinking, and now she is a totally different person and our friendship is back on track.

It is SO excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, and shameful to experience such emotional dysfunction at this stage of life. We didn't know how to process our emotions as children, and now, we don't have the skills to manage past and present ones. Up to now, I've been pretending because I don't want anyone to know what a mess I am inside. I can't even cry anymore as I have blocked the part of me that releases emotion. It hasn't helped for so many years and I believe I have shut them down. Unfortunately, I feel like exploding with repressed emotions. I keep telling myself that I just want to be normal. But I have accepted the idea of fighting myself for the rest of my life. It is both comforting and disheartening to know that so many other 60+ individuals hiding an internal struggle with CPTSD. We should be beginning to enjoy our golden years, right? I love your phrase "start expressing yourself." I'm pulling her off the shelf!

I absolutely could have witten the letter read in the beginning of the video. I need an affordable therapist that is the crappy chidhood fairy. She gets it. Like, all of it.

I can relate a lot to what Carla was going through. I think a lot of people with similar issues are genuinely good people who were unfortunate enough to not have the opportunities in life to show it.

1 year later: Carla, I always loved to be surrounded by older people. There is something fascinating about the many many things that I can learn from them, and even if they are going through a hard time, there is a calm and warm energy about them, and that makes things so workable. That's what I imagine you are from the way you wrote, beyond the stress that is mentioned there. Kudos to you! I hope things are better for you now and you fixed the car or even got a new one! 😊

I heard the “Carla” letter many months ago - and was so deeply touched by her honesty, goodness and struggle - sending her love and warmth and would be so wonderful if we could get an update on Carla, in her Crappy Childhood Program. 😊❤

"When I put it on RU-vid, I found all of you!" I LOVE this. It really shows how we can't rely on the people we know in person, to give us an accurate read on our ideas. Here's a truth I'm taking away from this video: if we rely on people in our lives to help us grow, our growth will be limited. We have to do the internal work, on our own! Thank you for existing and sharing! I LOVE your channel.

I’ve been developing my sense of self and discovering who I am and what I like to do after 25 years of doing what my husband likes to do and being very unhappy half the time. I also have discovered many of my friends are narcissistic and selfish, rarely ask me about myself but I also have hidden myself for years trying to control how others see me

For all of us the lost and displaced souls the crappy childhood fairy 🧚🏻‍♀️ came and helped us and made it all feel better ❤

I went around the house today and cleaned it while listening to this whole thing. I cannot say how much better I feel about things. One person that is popping into my mind is my Mom. She is 64 years old. I spent a lot of time in therapy and not knowing where things came from. My mom was very neglectful of me and my sister. We both have sever anxiety issues. I think in some ways my mom was too much in her own trauma to deal with us and that is why she bullied us, neglected us, and we grew up not knowing what a mom could be. We would see how our friends mothers (some of them) would really take care of their daughters. Clean rooms, put food on the table for the kids. It was strange how we didn't want to have people over because our room had old furniture and my mom didn't teach us how to properly take care of things like cleaning our sheets, or getting us training bras, letting us wear clothes that were ill fitting etc. As soon as we were old enough to put a chair up to the sink or washing machine, we were to do the house keeping, we were also expected to cook all the meals by 8! As a teen my mother was competing with me and my sister like she was a big sister. It was very odd behavior. She even picked a fight with a girl my age in my school and was mean to her because she was the popular girl. My mom worked in the school. This happened in my Jr high years. She was proud that she could make friends with Jr High kids. She was really messed up. Even as I type this, I just remember thinking all this will change once I can leave the house and this town. It didn't change for me. My anxiety got worse, my depression worse. I couldn't hold jobs because of my anxiety. In and out of community college, a failed marriage. I never really had close friendships. I was "nice", I listened to all their stuff and tend to pick bossy people....then I would just ghost them. Do you know how hard it is to be a "friend" who is just pretending to be a friend so they are not alone? It is exhausting. I thought I was the only one until I found this channel. I was in a dark place the last few days. I have to face the fact that I am an alcoholic and I used it to smooth over the gross feelings. I have done some painful things to myself and other people as a drunk. I think I had to hear from therapists that I was neglected and ignored because when I heard that, things started to unfold to where I at least knew that it did stem from not getting the coping skills and self soothing skills I needed as an adult. I have survived. At one point alcohol did serve a purpose for me to unlock and get some freedom from all my intrusive overwelmed thoughts, but it was short lived. I am 45 now and I am going to get to 12 steps and do the work. I have had dry drunk experiences because of terrible things I did, but I didn't do any of the work. I was white knuckling it. People are what I need to practice how to have good boundaries and still be able to share my real self. Listening to you gives me hope. I don't think anything I have done has been a waste of time. Before therapy I just had no reference. I never starved as a kid, they didn't sexually abuse me---I just didn't know the missing parts. Now that I see it I cannot unsee it and I know what I can work on. It is my responsibility to be responsible for my growth. (My dad was a workaholic and had a raging temper, when he was around we made ourselves scarce and did a lot of pretending). Pretending is what I got really good at, but then I started not being able to control my own frustration and rage. I think my parents were disappointed in their own lives and we were suppose to fix everything so they felt connected. I feel sorry for them too.

My closest friend recently ended our friendship. This is someone who I've always tried to be a good friend to and genuinely cared for. The way she did it was so ... I am trying not to let it bother me and not to take it personally because she's going through her own journey but it's just hard.

My heart is breaking for Carla , I identify strongly with what she wrote in her letter , this life is very hard when you feel this way

I think people without Cptsd symptoms also meet fake friends, but simply move on a loooot quicker than us. Let's do our healing "job" but in the end, all this "job" should lead us to live and flow without too much rumination. I am still in the journey, but I see that I am loosing friends in the process and meeting people who are always a little bit nearer from my real self... don't give up

I check in weekly with my best friend from high school. We live in opposite ends of the country, and had a few years with no contact due to my reckless habits. My dad dying brought us back together. We just gush out mutual support, love, laughter, sharing of dating woes (ugh), and cry when we can’t forget our ex.. anything. My weekly calls with her are a godsend because they remind me that I AM worth keeping as a friend, and I’ve got at least one who reciprocates it back. If you have one, you have the capacity and ability to find others in the future. Your people. It isn’t always your fault on those dark days.

I dont have any friends, and havent since early childhood. Actually I have no issue not having friends and now consider it a blessing. I have learnt to be independent and resilient without them. Never married, no children either. And as I grew up with two narcisstic parents, and thanks to my mother suffer from emotional incest, I have no contact with any of my family nor my relatives, all who had very dysfunctional families of there own. At this late stage of my life, healing is to late, so I have accepted that this is it for me. :)

Deep thinking honest people who want meaningful relationships are experiencing difficulties making and keeping friends now. CPTSD is not the only explanation for this dynamic.

You hit the nail on the head about how I have struggled with friendships!

I’ve only got through her reading the letter but I had to stop for a second. My heart is broken for her. That was incredibly painful to hear what she’s going through.

When things happen to me, it's honestly like the end of the world and l'm dying. lt's terrible. l dysregulate and it can last for days.

“Yes and young people with all their incredible skin” 😂😊 bstrds.. 🤣😊

I learned about a friendship being a triangle. The sides are vulnerability, consistency, & positivity. The positivity is about believing your friend has your best interest. (If a friend doesn't have your best interest such as back-stabbing, then they are not your friend.)

Thank you so much for writing this letter Carla, it's been so valuable for me to hear Fairy's response. I'm 58 and most of my work has been with much younger colleagues, with me trying to fit in and find friendship. When I look back at myself in these situations I feel so much compassion for myself, I was trying so hard and I just didn't know what I was doing wrong. I am slowly changing, I now see a couple of old school friends for coffee every month or so, and am meeting another new friend of my own age later today. I'm having to undo a lifetimes habits of hiding my real self from other people and myself! I can see some hope finally. Compassion for myself has been the key thing. You can't be a good friend to anyone if you can't be a good friend to yourself first. Good luck with your brighter future Carla, it's out there for you xxx

Holy moly. I've seen a couple of your videos before but this one and another that popped up in my feed today really hit home. "You're too much." " You're so intense." I hear that all the time. And recently got an ADHD DX at 61. That combined with Childhood PTSD (which I believe I have) has made life and relationships difficult. I've been saying for years I think I have CPTSD but related it to things that happened as an adult. Now I think that is related to my dad's mental illness and his hospitalizations when I was 4 and again when I was 8. ECT turned him him into a "zombie". For years, I had nightmares from the evening when he was arrested in our home and I was wrested from his arms. Over reactions and rejection sensitivity especially since my biggest supporter (my mom) died have been way too frequent. Thank you. I am fighting to create a "life worth living." Your videos (asking with others and continued therapy) will help a lot.

Don't feel bad.. I'm a little older than Carla... but I had 5 friends in my life that I had for 40 years... many since our 20's... by then you'd think everything was solid right... Well I sit here today with none of them.. a couple passed away and the rest all just changed so much either thru medications .. politics or just the craziness of our day that I can't believe every one of those friendships are gone and at my age .. retired... it's just not that easy to go find people you can relate to... and after some of my experiences with these long term friends I barely have the desire to try... We live in contentious times where we are divided at every level ... not to mention the internet..social media.. cell phones have made people relate in an entirely different way which I see as impersonal and not very satisfying... In older times people wanted to hear each others stories... relate at a real level...joke around and laugh.. and really get to know you and not be judgmental of everything... I just see it so much harder today... it's very disappointing.

This totally got me, just weeping with a bit of sadness but mostly hope and CCF’s response just hit me in the feels. I’m with you Carla. What a letter and contribution you’ve made. I’m 45 years old, never married, no kids, rarely date etc… and I totally resonate. As CCF said, it’s such a beautiful and holy desire to want authentic connection. You’re not alone ❤️✨

Such a good point about the "too many rules" pushing friends away. I have a friend who is so high maintenance when our little group meets up that it makes me dread seeing her. I met up with her last year, just the two of us, and it made me realise she has so many of her own boundaries but does not respect the boundaries of others, she did not even treat me with the decency of listening while I was speaking. We've been friends since high school but it made me realise I don't actually enjoy her company anymore, and I have let the friendship fade out. We're still in touch via social media and message now and then, but I think I need to leave it at that to avoid being disappointed.

Been listening to the wise fairy all day. So fortunate to have found this channel. I was not abused or neglected intentionally as a small child, but I had some health challenges that may have traumatized a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on.

“ I’m not enough; I’m too much “. Yes, that. I’m 55. Your peers are out there. Many of us want solid, true friendships. People we can be ourselves with. I’m starting to wonder, if I start being myself, maybe I’ll find “ my people “? Maybe it’s time to want more, stop begging and apologizing. Time becomes more valuable with aging. How, and with whom, do you want to spend it? You sound very much like a person who could be a true and valued friend.

I wasn’t even looking for videos on CPTSD, and stumbled upon your channel by accident. I’ve been watching a lot of videos on autism, which ended up bringing me here. But wow I relate to so much on your channel. Can a person have experienced trauma their entire life and not have been fully aware of it? This is definitely something I’m going to continue to explore. A friend recently told me it sounds like I’ve been dealing with emotional abuse from my family, and I never realized it. Also, I feel that I’m almost always in fawn or flight modes. I am a huge people pleaser, and am so afraid of being a bother or a burden. I also run away from situations instead of confronting and dealing with them.

Hey Carla, your story resonates and I do hear you. I’m 55 and I come from a very negative family of origin and thus suffer from childhood trauma and all. The thing is, we are all built to connect. But if some of our past issues compromised our ability to connect, then we need to re-learn those skills, heal and try again. It’s a long process and results can be slow but you know what? They do come! One of the first, even if most difficult thing, is to learn to love YOURSELF FIRST. Put yourself first. a) It helps weed out those with bad intentions because your own self-love helps you intuit what doesn’t feel good when someone treats you poorly. This strengthens your own instincts, you gradually learn to trust yourself more b) It helps you to be more compassionate to yourself and in the process, reduce the need to seek validation from others. As you expand in your self-compassion, your heart is able to be more compassionate to others, to hold space for them, and YET, not compromise on your boundaries c) It helps you to find your own tribe in time, helps to attract those who see and accept you for who you are, because self-love gives you the freedom to accept yourself and be yourself, in front of others. Those who don’t like you, are simply not for you. We can’t be liked by everyone, it’s impossible d) It enables you to be who you truly are, Carla, a beautiful human being, on your own self-journey. You Carla are here, like us, we all have our struggles and like us are watching this channel to seek help to overcome our issues. So you are fine and normal. Keep the faith and move forward my Lovely. Growth and development is in our destiny when we seek it 🙏🏼

This has been a life long issue and actually have had both of my best friends who just dropped off,They both passed away and no one told me .

Traveling alone is so awesome! I've done it a lot. You meet and connect with more people and you have the option to do what you want without having to constantly compromise.

I’m 63. I absolutely relate to this video. Thank you so much for this video Anna. This is so helpful for me. I’m a member CCF. ❤

I absolutely love you crappy childhood fairy! You have helped me so very much! Thank you for having the strength and courage to turn your pain into power and using that power to help others! You are absolutely doing what you were sent here to do! 🥰Also, sending Carla huge hugs🤗 and love!💕

Acting differently than normal to be friends, and then people realize it is fake, just makes people feel lied to. Better to be real and see who comes back again.

Join a group, a church, dance classes, yoga, art classes.

Carla, sending you love and hugs. Thank you for sending that letter in. It's helping so many of us! I'm learning so much...like maybe joining a group. MeetUp is great for that to find others doing things you love. It's free & anyone can start a group. So if you like gardening, you can start a group to MeetUp & talk about gardening or visit gardens. You just put all your interested in & it shows all the groups in your area that di that...like go to dinner, on a hike, go on adventures. Best wishes andI hope you Let Yourself Feel all the Love you are receiving from all of us right now!

Hurricane “ good one ☝️! I recently heard “not going into someone’s blender” 😂❤🎉 and “too mentally expensive “ 😂😂😂❤

I just don’t have the patience or tolerance to form new friendships. I poured so much of myself into ppl who could never return the same and at 40 I just give up. I realize that who I am and what I attract are empty ppl. The problem is me. I get it. But I’m too tired to change anything.

The only thing left out is to vet the people you want to be friends with. I never knew about narcissists and flying monkeys before a work “friend “ group. It was a painful experience however what I have learned from it has been worth it.

Hi Carla, I tried practicing friendship by playing Second Life online. That was amusing and safe. Having a pet, growing some plants and feeding birds is a nice way to show love to living things too. If you have a passion or hobby you can make online buddies through chat. You sound very loveable. It will be hard for people not to want to get to know you. I love the advice of celebrating yourself. Good luck Carla.

omg. I am in middle of Just This, and I send. So. Much. Love. For Carla, and me. Bless all of us.

Good job Carla for having the courage to be open and raw so we could learn from you today

This really did break down quite a bit for me. Fairy, I must say that following your videos and continuing my own doctors/therapists has started to actually wake my brain up to be more alert and conscious of my actions, my words, and the friendships are a huge issue for me. So, thank you again and again for taking the time out of your life to educated us on this subject!!! As you know, it has that beautiful stigma!! lol

I realise other people's lives are concentrated on living their life. Often they have many family associates and long-time companions. When someone has had hindrances to forming solid relationships It gets harder the older we get.

I needed this so much right now. I had a breakup yesterday and I'm feeling ill and don't have anyone to talk to. You reminded me I'm on the right track. These are all the things I've been thinking and working towards. I appreciate you 🙏

This channel is improving my trajectory. Thanks to all at CCF!

I resent myself for being the friend as more in need. Placing the other person on give mode. It's why I stay alone. It's just future heartache no need for it. After 40 it's keep low blood pressure, apply the DEEP technique.

I am 66. and have never had a real friend in my life. My therapist says it is a trauma reaction. I was taught by age 4-5 that you have to be what is expected, not letting anyone see the real. I am failing at healing, I tried the writing and the first course, cannot afford more, but it totally did not help me, I dropped into a pit of negative emotions that 6 months later is not improving. By the way, I was a therapist for 30 years before becoming too I’ll to work. I am lonely, and really need a friend.

Late to the party as always. Keep up the hard work Carla, and thank you 🧚‍♀️! I'm going on 50 and recently realized my entire family has CPTSD. This all makes so much sense now. Hoping this is just my first baby step to real progress and that my family joins me in healing when they see me change. My husband caught me stopping a meltdown last week, and it was such an ah ha moment for both of us!

Wonderful timing as usual, thank you so much for talking about friends! I think a lot of us in this community don't have a family home base to go back to (parents and siblings) so we value friends a lot. I've been struggling with friendships since middle school and keep ending up in the same rut of being the nicest, bestest friend, and then being discarded. So thank you again for speaking about something that not even my therapist fully understood!

That part about the thrift shops... now i like you even more Anna!! ❤ keep being great

33:45 - 45:50 This example, all the way through your explanation, is so specific to CTPSD and childhood trauma. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it described and portrayed so clearly before. My jaw is on the floor lol So many gems of wisdom in there. 🙌❤️

Have been feeling a bit like that lately as I maneuver life changes. I think I have been too nice at work and trying too hard. I think it is because I am feeling like I am swimming though overwhelming emotions outside of my work and life difficulties, that I am wanting acceptance and peace from those I spend most of my time with.