Thank you, Anna, for this very helpful BIG message! You have such knowledge, understanding, and empathy, and you communicate your message so kindly and clearly. It helps "us" to "get it". Thank you!
@@jessicajohnston5693during lockdown I realized how many familial one-sided rel I had….slowly releasing and protecting myself from my own dysfunctional actions!!🎀🎀
Omg! I resonate with this subject so much. Thank you. I have no mom, no sister ( they both passed in their 40.) I have no husband , no best friend. Basically I lack support and I recently recognized that I have been projecting my oversized emotional needs onto my adult children. I do have a new Theraphist and sometimes she reframes things I tell her in a way that make me feel misunderstood. Like the other day I made a powerful statement where I said “ I am starving for human connection “ and she added “ I know you feel empty”. I am glad I corrected her and said , “ no. I don’t feel empty . I can feel my own company . I just want to connect with other people “ Anyways, I am saying this to say, I want to cultivate good relationships.
My therapist suggested Bumble BFF to make female friends and I’ve met some lovely women! Don’t be afraid to say hi, make some conversation and invite them for a walk, coffee/tea etc Sounds corny but it has literally changed my life in this new town that I live in.
Oh sister. I feel this. It's a craving for a deeper connection. This is a normal need that can elude us in modern society. Please don't give up and find company since you deserve this connection
@@larabraverthanks, I will have to get out of my own head and give this a shot. I need more connection to outside people. I basically have my two sisters I don't really feel close to in important ways, (I give a lot but don't get much in return, ) and a couple of very casual relationships from former jobs. But no one really close.
I like the idea of a handbook for friends. I made a handbook for my next job and also my next boyfriend so that I don't say and do the wrong things and choose the wrong people.
I love your videos so much and this one by far has to be my favorite… so much resonates and feels like a light has gone off I couldn’t quite find the switch for until watching this. Such an honest and freeing perspective to shift so much that I’ve struggled with in relationships for most of my life. Thank you so much truly.
Good listeners (who are also usually good sharers) often have more people who want a connection than maximum connections they are able to maintain. I like that Anna doesn't shame the 3rd party here, but instead points how it was just a bad fit for the writer.
I tend to find myself in friendships where I feel open to sharing, and I ask about their life (I want an equal exchange) but then all of a sudden, they just stop talking to me. Like, I’m friends with people with poor emotional boundaries who say that they are fine/everything is good, and the just suddenly are like, “here’s everything that’s wrong with you, and I don’t want to be friends anymore.” It makes it kinda hard to know what’s real. I don’t doubt that there are emotionally mature people out there, but it just worries me that I have this pattern. I am very open, and I’ve worked on not over sharing, so I don’t think that is the problem anymore. I know they should just be honest about their feelings, but I keep finding people who just aren’t, and then it blows up in my face. I ask if something is wrong, and they say no. So… I believe them. Then months later I find out that something is so wrong that they don’t want to talk to me. (And won’t say what that is, or it’s something that can be discussed/I could easily stop doing if I knew it was a problem for them). It’s not even that I’m unaware that things are awkward - I bring it up and they deny it, so I think I’m just being hyper vigilant. I know it’s on them to tell the truth, but what do I do about that? Clearly, they aren’t being honest in retrospect. I could leave, or not expect as much from the friendship, but I still like them as a person and want to be friends. That just becomes impossible when they don’t tell me what is wrong.
My new roommate is having a similar pattern and I am the one pulling away. In our case, I am pulling away, not because they are oversharing exactly, but because when they share their experience with me they also expect me to make them feel better and connect deeply. Which I can do occasionally, but not every time we talk, especially since we live together. I can also sense their resentment piling up onto me whenever I don’t respond the way they want me to. Because I am the main person they share their life struggles with, somehow I am also picking up a lot of blame for not fixing it. They lrequest that I am always super clear about my boundaries and how much space I have for them every time we talk. The thing is, this is not something I am constantly monitoring in myself. I am usually not sure how much space I have until the line is crossed. I do try to signal this but whenever I do that, they still get offended because they are already deep in their feelings and don’t want to turn it around. In the end, they have deep self-hate, and when I engage with them, it starts leaking all over me…
@@dr.bandito60 Thank you for sharing that with me. I have been in that position, too, of overstepping, and I have worked hard on making sure to be aware if I have. I know things can change/new boundaries that weren’t apparent can get crossed, but we don’t even talk about it when it happens. I mention it, and they deny anything is wrong. So I tell them to tell me if that changes/if I do overstep, but they don’t. I think one of the issues I face is that I like to spend a lot of time with the people I care about, but people interpret that as I NEED to spend time with them specifically. Nope, I just like being around you. I could do stuff with someone else or alone no problem. I have a lot of emotions, but I have learned not to bring them up at inappropriate times. … idk, I think being friends with people who are codependent makes it hard to know how they think of me.
I had a gay male friend who only wanted to take. When i had needs, he distanced. We’ve now ended the relationship. My abandonment mélange is real. My best friends live at a distance and i feel isolated and alone. I feel like the only me people want to see is the faux me.
Thank you for watching and sharing your experience. Connection Bootcamp -- a course Anna developed -- provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. Give it a try if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_Connection Nika@TeamFairy
I just realized this .In my country they also connect to be part of a group and they want someone to be a team for a while .It was hard pill to shallow for me .
And there’s not actually anything wrong with that. Like for instance to get together with your bowling team every week or every two weeks and you have a lot of laughs. But it’s not the same as having very close friends
I do not have friends. I have some acquaintances, some better than others. My Family relationships have been destroyed by a narcissist sister. The loneliness really gets to me! I'm pretty good at not going to "fight" mode, I'm more a flight or withdraw. Yes, it probably looks like abandonment. I can't take more pain at 78 years old. So much more peaceful without connections and pain!
I lived with a malignant narcissist. She insulted my life even my manhood. I am kinda new to your channel. Thank you. I had a missing cheating father. So I learned to play guitar. Really well for attention. Had a record deal. That didn't work. Then made more money then I ever dreamed. That was worce. Trained to think money solved everything. I got loneliness. Luckily that went away in 2008. I have 2 real friends. Plus good friends after 25 years in AA. Life to me is recovery 24/7. I watch and learn. There is hope at 68 years old.
Patrick Teehan had a positive recovery journey with music. You may resonate with him. He is a friend of CCF. I learn to play guitar at 43. Take care pals.
I’ve always wondered how the most loathsome people have such a massive number of friends, until someone enlightened me: it’s because when a person is (for example) overbearing and obnoxious it’s better to have that person as a friend than an enemy. Interesting, no? Then there are people who make out they have a huge circle of friends to make themselves seem popular. There’s nothing stranger than people………
I knew a guy who always had a large friendship circle. I found out years later that a lot of those "friends" didn't really like him. You may be onto something
Yeah, I think too that because realistically they can only spend a limited amount of time with each friend, they only see the good side of them. Plus it's easy to contribute being overbearing and obnoxious to being enthusiastic and lively. If they were to spend more time together the mask would quickly drop.
Regarding people trying to “poach your friends“ there are some people that just use social connections to try to build their business. There’s so many people that I kept inviting to fun social time, and then they would never show up… but then they’d invite me to things that promote their business or their side hustle and I’m like, uh no thanks.
anti-social media made everything worse in every way. A slice of good? Yes. Not worth the bad it caused with people hiding behind it, glued to it, and the rest is..where we are.
~It seems like if the early dynamic of a friendship is you always being there for them, then that becomes what is expected from them~If time goes by with that pattern, they almost act put out if you want any support, or help in return~
Fairy you have brought me through cptsd,ocd,adhd,bdd, servere panic anxiety depression. i discovered your videos on youtube when i searched for help cptsd. i was diagnosed at 38, i tried to not be here at 39, i am 43 now and have had cbt,dbt and counseling. i am not crazy….you explain my cptsd and it explains everything. everything. it makes me feel not alone and not afraid. this community of others is saving my life. FAIRY YOU ARE SAVING LIVES. You are giving us the gentle impactful compassionate information and it’s (for me anyways!) absolutely life changing. Since i started watching you in 2020 you single handedly have become a more vital support source than any other human being. BECAUSE you have BEEN here. you are so valued by me Mrs. Anna and i take this day to thank you. We did it! ❤🎉😊
I have a friend who is good and wise, but her ADHD is out of control and she is constantly interrupting me, which is quite triggering. I am working hard to take the good with the bad. It is difficult! My impulse is to feel like I am crap-fitting her into my life, but my wiser self can see she does pay attention and remember in the long term. I mention it to provoke others to analyze those friendships that are imperfect but still good
With CPTSD, people can be triggering! Anna’s course Connection Bootcamp shows how to work on that. It can also help improve relationships with acquaintances and the people close to you bit.ly/CCF_Connection Nika@TeamFairy
I am going through this exact same thing but couldn’t figure out if I had adhd burnout compassion fatigue or bipolar disorder. My mom abandoned me and my stepmom was abusive almost Dailey from 2 to 13 years old. Abandonment melange is it!!! Thank you so much for sharing and caring ❤
Thank you for your post! I have adhd and can interrupt a lot (but I try to be there for friends in their hard times), but your post is a good reminder to try to be aware of, and curb, my interrupting tendencies.
To make friends 1. ) Plan some activity together 2. ) 30 minutes listen to them then get them feedback 3.) don’t talk about yourself a lot in the beginning 4.) see what other people like 5.) don’t give unsolicited advice 6.) people like to be appreciated 7.) believe in your friend 8.) never talk negative about your friends behind their back Do these things for good people, choose good friends.
All my life I’ve been told I’m needy, I’m bossy. I’m to serious. I’m to fat. I’m to selfish. I’m too much. However, everyone of those people didn’t think those things w hen they were getting what they wanted from me it’s when I had a need for something. Or when they were manipulating me to get what they wanted. So I made myself invisible, shrunk back or became invisible. Now I just don’t care. When it’s the right people I will be exactly who I was created to be. You don’t value me or my time or I am not good enough it’s fine move on.I’m slowly learning not to chase people down who don’t make time for me. I’ve lost myself trying to be all things to all people. Enough.I’ve lived my entire life in fear and feeling inadequate or being told I have a victim mentality after being victimized over and over again. Enough.
My brother decided to tell me all my faults in response to me flexing a need to feel appreciated and secure in the family. This is after years of me supporting his family. I poured out my heart to him and he couldn't say one kind thing to me in response. I'm devastated to learn that my only sibling doesn't have any empathy for me.
I once had a therapist who loved talking to me. She said I gave her a lot of wisdom. I told her I spend a lot of time with GOD alone, because I never had many friends. I moved away from that state, & had to find another therapist. This video is giving me good advice. Thank u so much 👍. GOD Bless u. I thought I was supposed to be alone, but I see I should reach out to good ppl. I find it hard to trust & feel like ppl are users & evil devils. I'm gonna take this video as my guide. Thank u so much again my Precious Sister!!!
I am hoping to learn how o find the right friends. I only have 1-2 that I can call friends. The others I find never ask me how I am. I visited one last week who just moved into a new unit. For almost two hours I was not asked one thing. It was her, her, her. Then I said oh hey I have exciting news, my hubby and I are off to Canada next year. She actually rolled her eyes up and said oh, snd did not ask anything such as oh when, how long for, why…. Nothing. I’m surrounded by people like this. I always return home realising I’m so damn invisible to everyone, as in what ruby is doing. Who cares? It’s very deflating. I’m hoping I can watch this and learn some new tricks.
I used to think that everybody but me was healthy, then I realized a lot of people I reached out to for friendship were actually more messed up than me, so now I pay myself on the back and am proud of myself that I am still here and I'm still trying and I'm more aware than the naive person I used to be.
Yes if these people are actually supportive. In the past I used to go along with people who had similar issues like me but instead of being supportive and empathetic towards me, they were very hostile, invalidating and mean. So in that situation it can have a negative impact o' your self esteem.
WOW, I really needed this! I struggle so much and have no guidance or direction outside of your channel. I've been struggling my entire life and never understood why I was doing certain things, didn't even know CPTSD was a thing until your channel. Your videos are helping me beyond words and I'm immensely thankful to have found you. How can I email you to get a letter read?
I love that you just said , “it’s ok …he’s just not able to carry the water for you…”. Such a beautiful perspective. I have fallen for a man that has CPTSD and severely avoidant. I fought for his connection for the last year and a half and, in spite of him saying he “cares”, he has taken no action to connect for various reasons…I will remember that quote to help me comprehend his lack of understanding and the importance of connection and caring. It has been very difficult to understand! I truly, in my heart, don’t think it’s from ill intent- just not having the capacity or understanding of the importance. Thank you for the compassionate insight! After rounds of trying to get through to him, I finally realized it was futile (at this time). I walked away, but realizing he just “can’t carry the water for me” is extremely helpful! Thank you 🙏 ❤
Thank you for covering this gnarly topic. 2 users / fairweathers contacted me this weekend and I gave them zero time / energy. It felt good to say no and choose peace. I’m creating space for the right people: They are 100% not that. I’m happy to wait for balanced, reciprocal and decent 🤷🏽♀️
As a child, I didn't understand why I didn't like to be with my parents, and I have avoided them as much as possible. I had a great friend, and her parents seemed to like me, so I stayed with them daily until bedtime. Im grateful for my friendship and her parents' kindness. And because of this way I grew up, I like to meet with people and stay friends with some for years. I trust my friends more than I would ever trust my parents.
THANK YOU! I needed to hear this message today. I have no support system to speak of except for myself. Most of my life I've been told that "I'm too much". Never understood what that meant exactly. I assumed it meant something was wrong with me, but this video definitely helped me feel better and more understood.
I have no friends anymore and feel OK with that but sometimes I feel like I am missing out on something important. I stopped drinking/partying 5 years ago and since that was what all my friendships revolved around since I was a teen (in my 40's now), those friendships faded away. I participate in support groups (AA, ACA, etc) but have made only acquaintances and no close friendships. Actually I have hundreds of acquaintances but can't seem to turn them into friends. I have an avoidant attachment style and am unable to get close to people. I am vulnerable and share my deep thoughts and feelings in support groups but once the group finishes, I close up. Friendships are the most intimidating relationships to me despite my disconnected and dysfunctional family. I also have past trauma from friendships (betrayal, used me, got assaulted, etc.) I did therapy but didn't change my avoidance.
I too always find friends where it's all about them. I'm always there for them but when I need them, it's like it comes with a price. Same with family. I used to go in dedt helping other people because I craved to be liked (the cool girl, accepted). I'm miserable.
i'm sorry. you deserve much better. i hope you make some genuine friends. I've had to shed friends and family because i cant bear the one sided nature of the relationships. i'm now lonely but hoping that will change in time.
I didn't understand many things til Anna's videos. My Dad passed away recently, and then I was able to realize his abuse of me. I have been in a codependent relationship for years, just like I felt I needed to keep my family together in my childhood. I realized, too, revently that I never felt safe at home which is likely why the recent relationship felt like home and went on too long, with pain. I lived with secrets in my youth: this guy turned out to have secrets. I learned not to question in my childhood or youth.Now I have been questioning. I have just left the years-long unhealthy relationship out of feeling I couldn't do this anymore and respect myself. I feel myself growing healthier. Even today today I am at home with mega feelings of abandonment melange, but I am not scared of it: because of Anna I can identify it for what it is and it will pass. I have perhaps a half-a-lifetime to go: hitting mid-century isn't the end. I am curious what might happen in the future in a healthy way. Thank you, Anna, for all you do!❤
Hi Anna. This video has been hugely helpful. Thank you so much. I've become so isolated since the pandemic. I live in the UK with my younger son, 42 who is Autistic. Although many aspects of my life are good, my fear of conflict & being out of my depth, socially, leads to avoidance of deeper social connections. I have given my email address on your link so please be patient with my delay in engaging, emails are not my territory, being somewhat technology challenged. So please be patient with this 66 year old eager joiner. I want join your weekly growth sessions. I'm only now realizing how much the CPTSD has ruled my life & eaten away at my confidence. Middle of the night here in the UK but my brain is so stimulated by the need to know more about this and get imvolved. I thank you for opening the door on this for me. Clare
Close real friendships are hard to find. They have been hard. I used to think this was cultural (referring to my culture of origin), but see it may not be.
But if you just listen and say stuff like, "Wow, that's really XYZ, how did that make you feel?", don't you become their therapist? And get an overload of their issues and shizzel? That's a problem anyways, sorting other people's stuff. And okay, just listening you wouldn't that, but tbh I'm not too interesting in listening to other ppl's issues and troubles. Unless I get paid for it, hihi (sometimes work as a coach for women). Must admit I'm thinking of my mum with this as all she has to say is trouble, complaining etc. So if I don't talk, I get to listen to all that crap for the duration of my visit.
This made me think I just EXPECT that the whole world disdain anyone who had needs.. I catch MYSELF internalizing the feeling. I'm caught in a very tight,deeply ingrained cycle of self dismissal, caring for myself feels like a primal betrayal.. I feel so stuck. "Understanding is the booby prize" I just want things to be different. 😒
Healthy people have different boundaries, I've come to learn. They don't spill their guts to strangers in a social situation, and why would they? It's weird, but we're used to trying to connect in this way. I
I have a friend that's ghosting me. We met at work, she's now retired. She lives on the river, I used to live on the river too, a mile away, but had to move. I was in a 13 yr relationshit with a malignant narcissist , my friend helped me alot. My vehicle broke down, unfixable, no transportation for 2 months, no ride to work. My sister gifted me with a brand new chevy blazer. My friend called me a "rich bitch" twice. Shocked, 1st time I heard her cuss. I moved into a swanky apt building, she's been here once i 2 yrs. She seems pissed when I give her gifts., barely thanks me. Am I looking at an envious person here. Only reason I can think of for the ghosting. I dont feel i should chase her. Thanks for any feedback
I may have missed this but did this woman confirm with her friend that he received the texts she sent? It seems like an assumption was made but I really wondered when she said they got together and he again mentioned nothing about such a serious thing. I think in that instance I would ask ‘Hey did you get my texts about my husband?” THEN see the reaction. I know that sometimes I can overlook texts when there a a bunch going back and forth or if other people are texting at the same time. Benefit of the doubt seems appropriate. But if he says “yeah, saw that” then blows over it? Time for distance and boundaries.
Good one..I didn't even have a list of qualities to look for in friendship...my strategy has always been I become friends with someone then I start trying to change them to what I want..and ofcourse that never works..I know better now...2 friends are two different people who should celebrate and embrace eachother.
I realized by Jr. High that if I didn't answer the Q. "How are you," no one noticed. Or I'd redirect the conver. if they persisted, & I'd go invisible. I became that person ever came to with their problems & got the nickname "Doctor." Not a shock, considering the atrocious levels of parentification + sexual & physical abuse I went through young. But this 'Be there for everyone at all times no matter how it puts me out' pattern persisted into my 6th decade. Part of it is I'm genuinely warm & nice, it's just how I was born, & ppl smell that on you, even strangers who've confided some bizarre things in passing. But I'm starting to draw hard lines. Having some deaths back-to-back showed me who isn't there, & how I was expected to be there for their recent deaths. Yeah, no. And I'm fine with coming right out & telling them what the problem is, but they haven't asked. Oner long-time friend simply never called again, & my mother seems incapable of the most basic inquiries into how I'm doing, though that's certainly not new. Ah, narcissism, isn't it something?
Insightful. But when she wrote that she responded by sharing something of her own, I actually thought that it seems like she is someone who only pretends to care so she can share something. I was doing this myself for many years until it happened to me with another person, and I realized how it made me feel. Friendships seem less transactional, when in the moment when someone shares they are having a tough time, you don't immediately respond with your own struggles. You are there for them, and asking them to be there for you in such a moment takes away from that. I wonder, whether the mother wanted to point that out in her way to her daughter. Did she maybe talk about her own struggle before, and the daughter responded briefly and then talked about herself, I wonder? With the guy, he didn't signal he was open to hear about her anyway. But even if he did, it's smarter to share personal hardship another time, and not right after someone shared their own with you. That's what I came to understand.
Dear Anna. I really get you. I've had many of those experiences. When I had an emotional breakdown and ended up in mental hospital, very few came to visit, even friends I thought were quite close. Then when my mum died, this male "friend"said "she had a good innings. I really need to improve at making friends I can trust to be there for me. I know more now than I used to and I hope it's not too late. People would always say" just get over it" when I informed them of my traumatic childhood. I never realised that trauma could cause long term effects to one's brain. Your channel has been a real blessing. I am also neuro diverse, so life has been such a stressful and confused struggle. I do hope to find happiness one day. It feels like it's always down to me to explain myself, a little like constantly being on the defensive. I find it so difficult. Love and blessings to you and your viewers. 🙏
Thanks Anna for this video. I have often felt like it was just me. It happens often. I have always wondered about this. What I notice about you, is you talk about subjects that really hard to explain to anyone. Also subjects too embarrassing to talk about sometimes. Thanks for being here for us.
Personally martial arts has Ben super helpful for me but it’s hard when I can’t train during a period of disregulation or disassociation. For example, if I’m disassociated at work, I can’t start practicing my hook kicks 😅😂
I need to hear what other people think about this, is it rude to be on the phone whilst buying stuff / being served by a checkout staff? In my opinion it is, it's like not being present, disrespecting the person who is serving you🤔 any thoughts? 🙂
Hello crappy childhood fairy.... I am a victim of severe emotional and narcissistic and selfish parents.... My mom first off I thought was an angel but let her own trauma from the past and hard times turn her into something else and she went off the deep end.. God love her i understand rly.but it just hurt sooooo much.. and she said mean things and always had issues we didnt understand and pressures that affected her diffrently... emotional wounds and such... .. And my d*D not dad (Jesus is my dad) he mk uktlrad my sisters and sexually abused my older one and my younger he asked her to "Do stuff with him" and I used to sit on the floor and sleep there in het room on the floor to protect her from him evrrynight..... And she always resisted because she's just a wild brave girl.... And fearless like God's hands on her... And me to... I always yelled and resisted and cried and had raging fits from all the trauma as my heart melted and boiled so long... Day after day knowing what was going on but being kept in silence .... He even tried to make child p*r. W us.... And our step mom walked in and caught him and he said if we ever said anything he would kill us.... After middle school I moved in w my mom again... And then she was fine fir a while but her husband was negative and bitter so much and always had a chip on his shoulder... And hit me even one time... And has been aggressive and spied on me and always made life hell... And then my mom went off yhe deeo end
@@elipotter369 At least I know I am not the only one... It does help in some way with comradery in the spirit against it and the healing were all United in finding.... It rly does help.. and these settings rly do heal... And bring understanding... And growth and breakthrus... I've been learning and reading so much self help ... And practicing it is another story altogether and I'm still far from mastering it.. but I am a work in progress and won't ever give up no matter what .. I want to be a advocate of broken lives one day orphans fatherless widows and abused and such... It would truly bring me joy in that I would have such a meaningful purpose you know?
The abandonment melange.. I don’t know how it’s spelled man lol… but anyway… wow somebody named this godawful feeling of doom… it’s a really terrible feeling but also for me… it’s dangerous… because I can’t focus and barely function, I’ve lost jobs before because of it… I lose my appetite… can’t sleep… everything is going haywire… I’ve experienced this only during breakups… when they leave… especially when they don’t communicate and just ghost
Stressed passion assertiveness. Urgency to get their ATTENTION, POSITIVE NEED FOR COMPASSION & Affection caregiver nursing treatments, 😢😅❤ Bring the RIGHTEOUSNESS GOOD BEHAVIORS. OK?
I think learning to be your own friend is also important. And finding a decent Uber driver (you know, for if you’re single and don’t have an “in case of emergency “ person) you can txt that Uber driver and they can take you to doctors appointments and such. Friendships and relationships are frequently tricky, and not just for people with cptsd.
I kinda suspect Anna is an extrovert, because she speaks of so many little meet ups and goings out, and maybe something else on the 6th meet up. I have not had 6 meet ups with a person in at least 5 years. Partly, I'm an introvert. Partly, Covid.
Totally. The stuff she describes does not happen where I live. It's not me, I've been very open to meet ups. The other person has to show up too. I think her advice is for extroverts in big cities. She talks as if we have lots of people who behave like her friends do.
Hey just wondering what video of yours you might recommend to show -let’s say your sibling haha- to start introducing them to childhood ptsd?! Thank you so much youre life changing!
I can find the proper people, they like me too, but they have enough friends to spend time with and care their friendship near their work and family. They can not handle practically more, they have no more time. And I have not enough time, too.
