In-Laws Invited Themselves to Live With Us for a Month! 

😂

🤣🤣

😂😂😂😂🥰

😂😂😂

😂😂😂😂

😂

lol pretty funny. never heard that one.

Hahaha that's hilarious!

😂😂😂

Yeah I was surprised that after all the talk about the ongoing relationship and where the callers feelings may stem from n what to do moving forward on visits etc that John still made it sound like the inlaws should just be able to stay there for a month no discussion. Depending on the size of the house n so many other things even if they normally got along great n generally felt comfortable around them there is no need to feel you have to let people stay with you for a month at a time every summer n that's exactly what it would be as this would become the norm since their schedule now permits this. I also don't think that John should just assume the in-laws are just mentioning extended stay hotel as some manipulative ploy on their part. They night well understand that it might be a bit of an imposition for that long yet they probably driving or flying good distance n want to get their time or money s worth rather than 3-4 separate trips throughout the summer. Why not say we'd love to see you but feel it might be too cramped for that long etc n perhaps 2 -3 weeks tops with them n a week in extended stay or just cutting it short at 2-3 weeks and save the money if extended stay by returning home or some variation. Perhaps 2 weeks with them then a week in extended stay n cap off with 2 final days at the house. I mean damn what if they asked for 2 months? Would you just have to do that also. I think anything over a week or two is an imposition even for people you love n even if you want to see them just bc of logistics. I was curious what the other kids n their spouses think about this? Everyone has different needs for connection n different needs for personal space so no one is right or wrong. The last thing you want is resentment seeping into the visit. That's not fair to them either. Re his question about whether he should have a conversation with the father in law, while I do understand what John said with the father in law likely getting defensive,I also think they should be ready for not him but the wife since it's her parents or together to have that conversation when appropriate if something does warrant it. Like the following day. If they have 10 year old child they're likely married 10-12 years n so a fairly long pattern has already been established n it's not always right to just be drastic in a change out of the blue n expect people to not be a bit disoriented and confused. Why do that on what they think will be a nice visit. Wonderful insights from the caller as well as John about why the relationship with the father in law might be particularly triggering for him as it's not like the man is actively doing or saying anything so bad. Totally get however that when you're dating and eventually married to someone you're usually trying to put your best foot forward n win then over. This starts innocently enough n also bc you're usually young n of course have respect for elders n especially your significant other's parents but as you age n mature the relationship had to as well just like their relationship with their daughter should. Into more of a friendship otherwise you'll just be tolerating them n they you and that's silly. It's difficult to connect with some people especially if their very quiet n you are more polite n affable n think it's your job to put them n you at ease but it can be exhausting. Especially if you're now hosting them. This will be a tougher transition. I think if you know the person likes n respects you in their own quiet way,their silence or extreme quietness/introversion can be more comfortable but if you feel right or wrongly that their silently judging you that's going to be very uncomfortable n it's a difficult thing to address bc it's so subtle. I'm curious if the caller feels the father in law is like this with the other kids n their spouses. If he is probably nothing personal but if he's not than there is a reason the son in law feels more uncomfortable than has less to do with his relationship with his own father. Some people do actually try to control by their silence. If course we can play the same game but we're trying not to be childish.

Good for you!!! 👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻

damn. you should have booted her much quicker but I get how it could get awkward.

Holy cow, that’s crazy! 😳

Holy crap. Well that's a little bit different from this callers situation.

Oh no, never!!!

Its exhausting.

Me too. I live next to my in laws and it is a nightmare.

Me too!!!! I’m not sure why he didn’t even address the month long stay!!!!! It’s a 2 yes 1 no question!

Same. I thought I was the only one 😂

This!!! I HAD TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO MY FIANCE WHEN HE TELLS ME HIS MOM IS LONELY AND MISSES ME ETC I HAD RO LET HIM KNOW THAT I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR MOTHER'S LONELINESS OR HAPPINESS!! she is married and is needy! Also very overbearing, it's emotionally exhausting being around her! I encouraged him to go visit his parents without me!! I don't even speak to my family via phone, and they respect that I'm a recluse (I don't bother anyone for anything). You have to make it clear from the get go! Also made it clear, am not marrying anyone to take care of their parents in old age! Parents better have their retirements planned and nursing homes picked out cuz it's not my responsibility to be your mom's shoulder to cry on 24/7! I have my own life and enough problems of my own!!

I know, if they're comfortable enough to ask you have the right to say no. No is a complete sentence, no obligation to explain.

Yeah it’s genuinely absurd to me that anybody could think a one month visit, even in a hotel, is anywhere near reasonable.

I actually think it was pretty spot on. The caller wanted advice on how to interact with his in laws not on how to tell his wife not to invite them.

She probably wants them there. It's her house too.

@@msjoby89 this is what I was thinking as well. If the guy was saying "I hate my in-laws. How do I get on the same page with my wife?" I'm sure it would have been a different conversation.

House guests have a 2 yes 1 no policy. What’s Tommy going to do if they want to settle down for longer? Move out? Do you see how stupid that sounds?

I think it’s probably more about keeping peace with his wife because they aren’t on the same page about it. That’s probably the real problem here. Unless there was a need (home destroyed, illness) to have either set of our parents stay for a while, I would also say no.

Yes! Exactly!

2 weeks may be too long of a time if they have issues...

@Liza W. I agree.

3 days tops

1 day is enough for me!!! Hell actually 3 to 5 hours is more than enough!!! Am good ✌🏾

Same here. My wife and I bought a house 2 years ago. We lived in an apartment together for 7 years and her parents and my parents rarely came over. Now it seems like her parents invite themselves over now and then. Most of the time I don't care but sometimes I just don't want them over.

Yes yes yes! I failed in the past and trying to be better.

I have this issue right now. My in laws stay 2-3 weeks a time minimum 3 times a year. Mother in law is very overbearing. My wife wants them to be here more. I want less. It’s not going well. I’m so tired of every spring break, every summer and every Christmas having them visit every time for weeks on end. I often feel like when they visit my son has two moms and no dad. How do you get your spouse to agree with you that it’s way too much.

@@michaelclark2458 Well, you see, I wrote my initial comment based on my personal experience with this. My mother in law came to visit two years ago. She stayed for two weeks and as a result, she did some major damage to my marriage. Meaning, that I cut ties with my mother in law and everything that occured between the three of us (when she was here) resulted in many, many fights between me and my husband. It has actually taken a full two years for my husband to really stand up to his mother and it has resulted in the two of them cutting ties as well. She refused to be civil in our home and insisted that she was "entitled" to treat us that way because she is "mother". I said that I will die on this hill. I would never accept these dynamics. So, basically, it came down to ME(the wife) refusing to back down and accept this circumstance. I spoke up for myself and became my own advocate. You are married and you have equal rights and also you are the man of the house. Just say NO! Just put your foot down and REFUSE!!!!! Good luck!

I’m single an I wouldn’t let my parents stay with me. There I’m the parent ur always the kid type . My last spanking was at 27 stop talking to them when I was 30 lol

Omg. Reading your comment to my husband and we feel so validated. Describes our life when his parents come to visit to a T! Just started no contact back in December (started with boundaries first, which obviously fell on deaf ears). We haven’t felt peace like this in a long time and for him, it’s the first time he’s felt peace in his life.

Same. You have to be on your toes about everything.

Same. It's new to me as I just bought a house a little less than 2 years ago. I lived with my wife in an apartment for almost 7 years and friends and family rarely came by. We would usually drive to see people. My parents don't come over very often as they live far away but her parents will invite themselves over on occasion which I don't usually mind but sometimes I am like NO I need my space and I don't want the obligation of entertaining.

OMFG!!!! So this is what that feeling is!!! You guys perfectly described this feeling I got during family gatherings!!!! That uneasy of having to be on your toes at all times, you can't just relax and be your true self!!!! And that invasive feeling of unfamiliar energy in your space!! 🎯..thank you guys for describing this perfectly.

They are not staying with them. Good grief.

Sometimes 1 day is too long

I agree, or perhaps the person is a recovering alcoholic and doesn't wish to broadcast it. If you know a person doesn't drink, offer Coke, Lemonaid, Water, or Coffee.

Exactly they don't actually know that the only reason they don't drink is religion. It could be they lost a friend or family member to alcohol they could be alcoholics before getting religious.

I think he's referring to delivering the message without having that conversation. It's like letting them know that's what they choose to do under their roof, if that makes sense.

Agreed. In your case you should have told your Dad to knock if off.

For some people alcohol is not that big of a deal. Offering alcohol is just like offering sprite. In my household it is something so normal and in my culture as well. I do not think it is rude to offer, if anythig I think it is rude not to offer. He can just say no and that's it.

It's brutal

Honestly I think it’s absurd to even expect to stay at the kids home whatsoever. It should immediately be hotel and then if they invite you to stay at their home that’s fine. But inviting yourself at all, especially for a month, to stay in your kids home just isn’t cool.

I am sorry for your loss ❤

That's so funny. Except when u have to live it.

There’s no chance in hell I would let them stay in my home for a month. I don’t care if they guilt trip about the hotel the idea they even entertain staying in your home for a month is even in the realm of being reasonable is absurd.

Was that sarcasm?

@@aaronqueen55 💯

I agree. We bought a house almost 2 years ago and I got pissed when my wife just dropped news on a Saturday morning about her parents coming by last November. I was not in any mood to entertain and I had stuff to do outside of the house anyway. I left her to entertain her parents and frankly I don't feel an ounce of guilt or obligation. I said to my wife we have to discuss before they come by so now we have talks about it.

I agree very rude.

Some people are just quiet and don't talk. So be it. Who cares?

Sounds like you should thankful they let you stay somewhere, it wasn't her job to provide you a home.

It doesn’t make logical sense because it probably focused in control

That sounds like a blessing unless he snores loud.

Does he do it passive aggressively and pretend to sleep (I’m sleeping, go away)

There was one time my wife said her parents are coming by. I did not want to entertain so I simply took a drive and went fishing. Never felt an ounce of guilt about it.

You must not have in-laws who treat you like a servant, lie, hide things in your home, keep you from using the bathroom, controlling every situation and playing the victim. That’s the reality for me and others.

@@randyadams1312 sounds like they are toxic narcissist. 😢 I'm so sorry.

That’s not the best way to handle this sometimes. The spouse often lets these run over the married couple to subltle ways. The spouse should honor his discomfort. If you have proxies of the parent coming to visit as a way of getting intel because they know your having issues, that’s not ok. They can divide the marriage in very subtle ways, especially MILs who are threatened and disapproving of the wife guilting the adult child. That is very very hard for the wife. The spouse need to put the wife first in a nice way with Mom and if she uses guilt then it’s not fair to the couple. There is nothing wrong with staying for a few days then going to a nearby extended stay hotel to give them space. They often feel offended by this, esp MIL. They invite themselves not including the spouse. That’s a different thing.

@@bridaw8557 It's "not the best way to handle this sometimes" but it's a lot to assume that it's so terrible and not a healthy approach. If it doesn't work.. o.k. not again. UPDATE: They had a wonderful holiday!!!

Is this a joke?

Winning comment. Use this as an opportunity to do more as a couple and grow.

💯

No. If it were one night than yes. Not a month of tip toeing around in your own house.

This is their house. Parents should respect them.

I mean I get it, but it's their damn house. I never would want anyone to change their house rules b/c of me. it's selfish in itself.

So many father wounds. 😢

If they loved you, they would have asked. If they loved you, they would have cultivated a relationship where you could say no and everything would be ok

The caller is not selfish. A month is way too long. The parents are coming to see their daughter, not him. The father in law ignores him. A week should be the max.

Yeah that is way too much.

I offer visits Friday to Monday or Tuesday to Friday as options. Oh, and here are the clean sheets in the closet to change the bed. Thanks, come again, you are a great guest!

Sometimes I don't like people coming by for even a couple of hours. I got pissed at my wife one time and said no. Another time I said screw it I am going fishing instead you entertain them yourself. I need at least 1-2 days notice.

Facts. I'd tell them no in a heartbeat. I'm single though

yeah, I caught that too.

​@@sanitary103you must also be a fox news watcher then 😂 he's saying it because Fox news is not a credible channel to watch if your looking to get the news from a reputable source. I wouldn't call it a primary source. It's more like watching Extra. Why are you getting so offended? It's his opinion and your watching his show to listen to his opinion.

I would never take advice from a unhealthy doctor. If he was morbidly obese I would feel the same way.

A Progressive SWJ Liberal.

@@marywebb9127 I don’t doubt it. He seems like a beta.

This is so true and hes a psychologist so even crazier 😆😆

Not at all... Lighten up.

@@JustinCase780 you clearly lack empathy. Like John.

He also expressed creepy high-five enthusiasm when the 21-year-old girl whose father disagreed with her having a 35-year-old boyfriend called.

Oh, lordy! John is just John. He might get a little silly to cause the caller to relax, but when the real conversations happens, he get's right to the heart of things. He tends to nail the real, underlying issues right on the head. I think he usually does very well for the short amount of time he's with a caller.

Sounds like they are unequally yoked! You should never marry a unbeliever if you are a Christian. God states that in the Bible for a reason.

Most people have anxiety! A spouse who pretends he or she doesn't, isn't being honest or just doesn't recognize it.

More ladies would choose a man who can be vulnerable with them than whatever cartoonish version of masculinity you think is correct.

Anxiety is a health issue.

She needs to run.

A little judgemental are we? Anxiety is relatively common. Why don’t you buy John’s book and educate yourself. John himself also has it.

The far right is insufferable. Their mouths proclaim Jesus but their hearts are nowhere near him.

@@bkucenski you might want to take Dr. Delony's advice to be kind and respectful.

@@johanna6050 Unfortunately, after decades of not listening to anyone who respectfully and kindly explained to them that their bigotry and ignorance isn't okay, they are simply not being invited places. Perhaps you should review the difference between how Jesus spoke to Pharisees and how he spoke to people who were truly lost. They demand kindness and respect while doing no such thing for the least of these. They are reaping what they are sowing.

alot if people don't

@@bkucenski wow: do you feel better now?