My Husband Is Too Hard on Our Kids (What Can I Do?) 

100%!!! I don’t think this is understood enough.

She was afraid to defend her children

@@CP1960 everybody is afraid whenever they protect someone. If there was no danger there would be no need to protect. You have to protect your children

I can’t agree with you more. I am an adult child (51) of an abusive father (physical and emotional abuse). My mother never protected me from him. I haven’t talked to my father for over 30 years and my relationship is so-so with my mother. I have a lot of rage when I think about my childhood. I know my mother has regrets now about how she failed to protect me. In all honesty my dad was abusive to her too. In my adult opinion she should have left him all those years ago. It’s a shame we are where we are now. But I can’t I unsee all the things I’ve seen and I can’t undo the things I’ve been through. I think it has left me with a feeling that I can never really trust her because she’s demonstrated so many times she didn’t have my best interest at heart. The best I can do is trust her to be herself.

You can resent them even more.

A seargent is never going to dress down their supervisor in front of a subordinate. I believe if parents disagree with what is going on with children they should address it privately and not in front of thr kids. Children will quickly take advantage of that

@@SarahR2D2 that's how it should be in any situation with anyone. It's like when friends talk trash to each other in private that's cool. When you do it infront of people your being disrespectful and need a beating and friendship over.

@@SarahR2D2 children and people also can’t be afraid to stand up to abusive authorities, if they never see it modeled for them they won’t know how to do it themselves. It’s why so many children of abusive homes go on to marry abusive spouses. Also a family is not the military and shouldn’t be approached like one.

@@WM-mu8ep not the same

@@van2165 the caller said her husband was too hard on the kids. If the spouse undermines the authority of the wife or husband there will no respect. Now if its punching or kicking the child then yes there should be immediate intervention.

Very well said.

Preach. Amen.

Nice mom. Puts herself before kids

Bingo

Ah but because it's not physical she thinks she is staying for the kids.

Imagine how many times hes yell at them

I don’t think there is a clearer definition of love.

The worst part is always the Mom being passive making excuses knowing that it's wrong and being in denial about it. I relate so much to this dynamic. So, many people say well they didn't physically abuse you blah blah blah. But your body remembers.

❤

This was me too. I kept ending up in abusive relationships. I asked a therapist what's wrong with me that attracts these dangerous men? He said you're not attracting them everyone is approached by abusive people. But children who grow up in healthy families don't give them the time of day. Abusive parents normalize abuse so as adults you don't see the red flags.

My dad was like this as a coach with my brother and my grandparents often stepped in to call my dad out on it. But it didn’t really stop and it really killed their relationship. But he did learn from it eventually and because of it he refused to ever coach me in sports because of the mistakes he’d made. But for the first number of years I played sports he’d still be angry in the car about how I performed in games and eventually it blew up after a game and I said something back and it got way worse and the only time it ever happened he got so angry about what I’d said (can’t remember what it was) he smacked me. And while sad it went that far it was finally his wake up call. After that he was never critical or angry about sports and became beyond supportive. But this attitude in sports is extremely harmful even if there’s never something physical that happens because the criticism and anger destroys any enjoyment of the game you may have had as well as any self confidence you had because you begin to accept you’re never good enough. You transition from having fun playing and enjoying sports to spending every practice or game worried the entire time about how your parent is thinking about your game and if you’re making them angry and are going to get in trouble when it’s over. It turns something that’s supposed to run into something that becomes a constant worry and dread that you simply want to exit as soon as you possibly can. But when he reverted to just being supportive and letting it just be a game it became a lot of fun again. And seeing the dads that did coach their kids but didn’t take it crazy like this dad does seemed to get a lot closer with their kids and were so much fun to play for because it allowed a game to be a game. I can get that a parent wants to support their kids to be the best they can be at things but it’s sad when it’s so extreme. The reality is that 99.9% of kids aren’t going to make it to some crazy high level in some sport where they need to be run this hard to maximize their skill. The overwhelming majority of kids are going to be done at most when high school ends so it’s nice when coaches allow kids to just have some fun playing a game and maybe if kids show that potential and want to be in some super competitive league they save some of that for the AAU track.

I didnt protect our kids from their dad, who was bipolar. I so regret this. He ended up changing with appropriate meds so their relationship, and mine, with him improved before he died, but I regret those days.

If it's abuse then yes but some women do not allow any correction what so ever to the detriment of the kids. The kids see this and take advantage of that situation as well

Thank you, still resent my mum to this day. It left that role up to me most of the time.

@@Coastpsych_fi99 Sooo no blame for your daddy? She can get some blame sure... but surely not allll or most of it right?

​@@SarahR2D2 What does this have to do with "some women"? Why are you changing the subject?

It resulted in me being tougher when I got older but only because I’d noticed myself struggling through short fuse anger and knew I didn’t want to turn into that and worked through my behaviors and eliminated that anger. But as part of that process was reflected on those times from the past and digging into things about my dad that helped give context to him being angry and recognizing that it wasn’t my fault or something that I did to cause it. Through that healing process I became tougher in the sense that I don’t get intimidated by people who try to rule with fear in the workplace because I dealt with that and adapted from it. But it’s absolutely not a healthy way to develop a skill and even for the years that followed where my dad fixed the anger as it related to sports I still always had it in the back of my head about whether or not my performance was going to get me in trouble and made me dread a lot of games.

People are labeling everything abuse now.

@@bobberry1463 That sounds like a sprinkling of toxic masculinity - that or you're trying to minimize your own actions. Abuse is very real and comes in many forms. The purpose behind all abuse, physical or psychological is control. Tearing people down, belittling them, shaming them, humiliating them are all tools to control others. Failing to recognize the warning signs will lead you or your loved ones to be abused. Knowledge is power.

Yes name it what it is!!

@bob berry Screaming at a child over a practice for 50 mins is abuse.

The silent treatment is how many cool down. Demanding someone talk to you when they don't want to is abuse.

Maybe you would try. You never know until it happens.

​@@johnnyceaglesits not maybe with children. You do what you have to do

It's really amazing how deep he can dig to the real problem. The problem, while important, is the symptom of something way bigger, and Dr. D saw it.

He’s good

@@chukuemekaoje1015 nah he's f'n great

@@chrissaint-victor1606 calculated

Its scripted guys

ditto... The wounds don't heal, the just get partially covered.

Same. Both my parents really

You probably have PTSD from this. Get some EMDR therapy. It will change your life.

​@@bettysmith4527You probably have PTSD from this. Get some EMDR therapy. It will change your life.

Most don't is usually the case

Well said, Tori ! 👌🏽

Usually people like this do not ever change.

Narcissist don't usually change 😞

One thing is how can you not protect your kids? The other, more pratical question, is how can you endure 50 minutes in a car with somebody screaming? I would have done everything to get myself and my kids out of that car. Ask for him to pull over at a gas station to buy something and get away. I don`t care if I sit on buses for three hours, there is no way I can endure somebody screaming in a car, I would go crazy.

Me too Malanie. I was a therapist for my parents growing up and the whole family really 😒 I used to try to have my parents make up by recording love songs on a tape (back in the 90’s as a preteen), I would have them listen to recordings and hold hands. I would counsel both of my parents separately on different issues and try to find solutions. Looking back my heart melts for me as a child trying to save a broken marriage/family. I just turned 38 and struggle with confidence and so much more but I know my emotional intelligence is great and I am a genuine person that has sincere intentions for others. The things we’ve gone through makes us who we are and gives us experience to know and do better. Find strength in what you’ve been through because no one else was there for you but you 💕

Big hugs my friend. Big hugs. My coach used to pinch and wring my skin

If you understand where your father is coming from and don’t dwell on it for the rest of your life you will become that great man stoic and heroic that America needs

Awww, Joe, I'm glad that didn't happen. I'm sorry for your trauma.

I pray you find peace my friend.

Amen.

THIS!!!!

Spot on. It’s only the moms and dads that would burn their whole world down to keep the kids safe that have the strength to get out. They are legends.

That’s why women need to have their own income. Every person should have the opportunity to walk away and not fear homelessness.

True. Women need to find a way to save money and have own income. It is especially hard when woman can not due to many reasons like conditioned, religious abuse, emotional abuse, etc

That part. She is sacrificing her children for comfort. She can divorce him, keep the house, get alimony, and child support.

I’ll never forget when my teammates dad yelled at the ref, and the went and hid behind the bleachers when the ref went to go reprimand him. He was always embarrassing and intolerable, poor kids.

"I want you Marsh! I want Youuuuu!" - Denver Dad from South Park

😂😂😂😂

I think she was scared to step in, also means that she yells at him as well and her normal mode is to steer clear and wait for him to calm down. When he calms down they pretend it never happened and probably since he's never hit her or the kids she has normalized this behavior.

She isn’t safe if her kids are not.

Founding board member of two abuse shelters....so right! Thanks for your contribution to keeping families safe. Sybil Francis PhD clinical psychologist, researcher and professor since 1979

Such a great reminder for us all

This was my life. Cannot tell anyone how hard it is. These issues last a lifetime.

She is full of fear. Partially it may be conditioned since child to not intervene. Even if she is an adult. Maybe inside childhood trauma is affecting her and is afraid to step up and defend her kids. I hope she can find courage. 😢.

And, u are being too hard on her. She needs help from a compassionate person.

let's not be misogynistic and call a grown woman "chick" plz

Yea cuz a woman can easily fight off a raging husband... it’s a huge risk to stand up to these hotheads

Nah if that were the case he would be trying to please her to cover it up

Betty Smith She also lives in California and has been locked down for two years. The pandemic has been rough on people!

@@marieroxylox1456 CA has not been on lockdown for two years!

@@bettysmith4527 actually it has. I live in the SF Bay Area. We were in and out of Shelter in Place and curfews often. It really was not until this year that California started opening up again. Statistics show that more people have filed for divorce in 2020/2021 due to lockdowns.

From Southern California and can confirm we were in lockdown for 2 years. There were a couple 6-8 week periods when restrictions lightened for a bit before cases would go up again and things would get serious again. It's been awful.

Yep

THis!!!

Be in record mode whenever you’re together as a family during sports seasons! But more importantly you are complicit not protecting your kids from abuse.