Internalized Transphobia 

I realy understand you about your fear of being seen as a "boy" by your familly. You can talk to them about that, your fear would probably go away :) Lot of lesbians aslo experience that feeling of not being like other girls because of hetero normativity, they still women just like you ! Thanks for your video !

this legitimately helps so much to know that someone else has the exact same fears and struggles. being pre-everything may play a big role in my current self doubt but fine cause I can fix that. while the internal hatred is never going away it helps to know I'm not alone. -Alex, your 16 year old fan (who is recently out let's go gamers) PS: lol the category is comedy

I genuinely identified with so much of what you said it out me on the verge of tears. I have so much guilt that I'm not excited to be trans and I really need to figure out how to overcome it.

Sorry for the weird background noise and awkward cut-off at the end. I'm bad with technology and fiddling with a new mic

I’m so glad I’m not alone in these feelings, I don’t see many other trans girls talk about this

You're like the realest person in the world! The situation with all the cis girls being straight is one I've never been in (or I have, but I'm pre-transition and not really out, so I already knew they saw me as a guy) and I never really considered that, but when I heard it I was like, "omg, I WOULD feel like that" and it helps so much to hear you say it, because I feel like I can go into it more prepared.

Hearing this was like taking a deep breath. I was and still am a little drowning in very similar fears, it is nice to know I am not the only one.

I'm the opposite (FtM), but I've been realising more and more recently how much transphobia I have internalised. A few days ago (I should mention, *drunk*), I told two friends of mine that I didn't want to live, and then that I didn't want to be trans, etc. and I've been thinking about that more and more, about the automatic thoughts I have about trans people, and myself; things I know are transphobic, and hate thinking, but still do. And you summed it up all so, so well. I'm actually not gay/straight, but I understand how you feel about not being attracted to men. It's difficult for me to reconcile my attraction to men because it makes me feel heteronormative, like I'd automatically fall into the role of a woman in that dynamic- and that, in turn, makes me question the validity of my gender. Then there's the imposter syndrome with other men (you didn't really go into detail about feeling this, but I don't imagine it's uncommon), where I don't quite fit in with them, and I know there's something distinctly different, and I feel like they're as hyper-aware of it, too, and judging me for not being cis like them. And the way I judge other trans people by how well they pass, no matter how hard I try not to. There's a hierarchy in my head- trans people are only valid to me if they're effectively passing -especially myself- even though I don't actually, rationally believe that. Sometimes when I'm with other trans people I get really awfully transphobic comments through my head, and I've been finding myself using the t-slur for myself recently. It's all so bizarre to me though, because I never really imagined I could experience internalised oppression or self-hatred or anything. It seems difficult to equate the actual manifestation of my own transphobia with the concept of self-hatred or bigotry- as in, I've been aware for a long time about the negative thoughts I have about trans people, or the extreme anxiety I have surrounding other people's perceptions of me as "not a real guy", but didn't think of those things as "internalised transphobia." Like they were something else. Or they were normal, or something. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, sorry for the long comment, but thank you for posting this video. I think it's helped me identify some things.

Holy Sappho, yeah, this is true. As a trans woman, I feel like this is exactly the struggle I have with my own binary trans identity. Also, the experience of being a binary trans woman and a lesbian has held me back for so long; as a kid, I was told "only men love women" and it took me years to grasp that I could be both... I have heard both binary and nonbinary people talk about the learning experience that comes with the non-cis identity as the defining positive of our experiences, so I can definitely sign that... Also, being in a group of allocishet women your age as a trans lesbian is precisely how you describe it; this sort of enhanced fragility of your passing, and the constant fear that talking about your experience will have you cast out of the circle of shared identity... Sorry if I am just repeating your points, they just stuck with me

I can relate to your topic. I am hoping that with positive reinforcement that it will get easier with time. You get to live your life now as a woman, I started much later. Just knowing that I'm not alone with these issues is very helpful. Thank you.

You are so genuine. I can relate to everything you talk about especially in this post and not only that but your thoughts and views make life better . Its nice to know that someone with the great morals and feelings of yourself is on my side in life. I love your face. And your smarts.

Hey Boone, I recently found you on you tube. You are a bright,empathic, wise young woman. I am older 55 and have known I was trans since about age 3 to 4. Like you, I constantly question how other people see me and accept me. The self doubt in my mind is painful to deal with. I am a doctor, but unlike you I transitioned late in life 54 have lost family, have no friends, would love some cis woman besties. You have let me know that I am not alone and I feel support from you by shared feelings. Thank you for your insight, wisdom, and honesty. Bridget

Thank you for talking about this. I am probably more than twice your age and my own internal transphobia is really hard to deal with. Thank you again for a great vdo x

I was quite surprised how I could relate to basically every single thing you described experiencing in this video. I'm trying really hard to work on my own internalized transphobia but I still can't be proud of being trans and I deeply deeply hate it about myself. I really appreciate videos like this because understanding that others feel the same way is part of the journey of healing from this. I really hope that you have found ways to feel less ashamed about it and I will work on doing the same over time.

I'm turning 29 soon and just came out publicly as a trans lesbian and i have a lot to say about this but i can't figure out the words right now. Thank you for this ❤️

Thank you for your honesty. You are experiencing the myriad ways that we can be human. We are vulnerable to be our own worst enemy. With race and with gender we have a hard time admitting that we sometimes our own worst enemy. Thanks for this.

Thank you so much for this video. I came out as trans 3 months ago, I think, and it’s been pretty rough so far. Life seems clearer now but that clarity exposes a lot of pain I’ve repressed or desensitized myself to in the past. So I want to go forward but now it feels like life has picked up the pace again and now I’m invested in a lot more and my brain is more occupied with…things I want to think about, whereas before it was a lot of rhetoric and distractions fueled by my insecurity. My body dysphoria isn’t too much of an issue right now, although there will be very frustrating moments throughout the day and an occasional breakdown spurred by my body hair, facial structures or chest. Well, it is an issue but I don’t “feel” it a lot, or as much as I would expect. One significant change is my body movement and all my gestures. I feel more free to just move without worrying about how others perceive it. Back in high school I distinctly remember walking, sitting, moving my neck…essentially doing anything with my body, very rigidly, feeling like I was trapped inside with no chance of ever being myself. On top of that, masking was hard because I was already somewhat antisocial/outcast. Doesn’t help that I was neurodivergent (mannerisms-that’s the word!). But now, I feel like these problems are unraveling, albeit slowly and not always so straightforward.

It feels so relatable and I'm not even passing as I started too late.

I feel the exact same way. I am Pan but I think I find girls more attractive but I try to never talk about me being attracted to girls but go out of my way to talk about hot guys even though I don’t feel as strong about it. I also feel internalized transphobia with a lot of my interests too like music tastes and that I like video games and I know a Lot of cis girls like video games and a bunch like the music I’m into. I also wish 100% i was cis and feel like I’m missing out on so much and want to disconnect from my childhood.

You look better than most girls without makeup. Goddess you.

Boone, you’re so pretty. Also, I really appreciated this video. I’m a trans masc nb, who lives with very transphobic people. Overcoming my internalized transphobia is hard, but I’m hopeful that I’ll overcome it eventually.

I know I’m late but thank you I needed this so much. I didn’t realise others felt like this too. All my friend group/people I’m close to are cis so I just keep going down this big spiral where all I’m ever trying to do is look cis and feel cis like sometimes I feel so embarrassed for no reason like this is me I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Also I relate so much with your point about people assuming or suspecting that your trans without you telling them it makes me feel so bad like I’ve failed this test where my whole purpose in life is to just pretend I’m not who I am.

I know that feeling that you described when you're in a group of females and they're talking about guys, attraction to guys etc... it makes me feel kind uncomfortable. But it's the other way around, I don't feel like I'm less of a woman, I just feel annoyed that they don't like other females as I do... weird right? Welcome to the world of weirdness! :)

Obviously it would be easier to be cis, but tbh you're completely indistinguishable from any other girl in that way anyway, and as you say it means you learn a lot and must develop really deep, unique, and important insights. I can see other perks too. For example, Trans voice training just teaches you things about controlling your voice than anyone could benefit from. I really don't feel bad about being (very likely) a trans woman. It's just as valid as anything else. Binary gender is really just a spook anyway - its a societally produced nonsense with a lot of bad effects. Despite that there's something about being a girl that calls to me. I'm just anxious about transphobia and the awkward process of transitioning. If I could flick a switch and become a girl , and retain the ability to have children somehow, i totally would. And if i knew i would transition as flawlessly as you Boone i would be pretty cool with it. I've told a few friends, and my sister. But i am anxious about telling my girlfriend. I am pretty sure she is pansexual, so it might not matter that much. However, she does want kids, and i think i do too. Thankfully im really not that dysphoric about my penis, and the physical aspect of my dysphoria is pretty managable in general - its mostly hair and my face. Its more the emotional, sexual, and mental side of things that get me. Something about sisterhood, and being a cute as hell lesbian really appeals to me. I've always had trouble forming any kind of identity for myself or really caring about myself or liking myself. But as i start this process of self discovery I find im being kinder to myself, more expressive, and more optimistic. Honestly, being trans should be a very positive and hopeful experience thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. Its largely because of the provision of that medicine, and how society doesn't understand that gender (and life, really) is what you make of it that trans people are made to suffer. Be fierce my trans queens, kings, and royal peoples betwixt. We will never let the world go back.

Boone honey I feel this so much! Thank you for this!

There's also a saying " Saying you don't look Trans is not a compliment". I remember someone saying that is Transphobic. Not sure how they come to that. Not all people are educated in all things LGBTQ.

This video described my experiences to the T. Thank you for this..

Well said!!

I'm Buddhist, there's this whole cliché concept of "letting go", in Buddhism. But in my experience, I think it very much applies to being someone born *with the wrong body.... Pragmatically, outside of the Buddhist concept of emptiness, I think if all the stigma is let go of, by the person, the person is left having to acknowledge who they are. Ppl love to tell us "You're a dude. You're a biological male. You're DNA is male", etc. Yet, it's our truth. We know the truth of the situation when there's no one else around to detract us from what we intuitively know to be true. That we're born with the wrong body, and being male is an act. I often want to say, "Which part of my DNA is it that tells me I'm in the wrong body? Disprove that to me." I've even had psychologist disagree with me in a relative fashion. The crappy thing about it is that when no one else knows you're history, or you don't get clocked, when all that past "baggage is let go of," then your seen entirely as female. You are entirely accepted.....I think that's why relationships are so important to trans ppl, because it validates their identity; both in terms of gender and sexuality.

Great video Boone a suggestion for you might have a guest on to ask them questions on all kinds of things

the state of dread thing i relate hard

also im bi romantically but mostly straight in terms of biologics. i feel like the trans masculine community is extremely gay which isnt bad but i wanted to fit in. ive only really ever been attracted to women but always been somehow misguided. either when i was living as female to like men which i never really did sexually, or being trans man there being hardly any representation for straight trans men i cant explain it.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I lead a lonely life. It helps me to know I'm not the only one out here 😸

It's really relieving to hear conversations about this kind of thing. I'm very very new in the acceptance of myself as a trans woman. It's been a long journey, one filled with denial since I initially realized I was at the age of 15, and now I'm here at 23 finally accepting it. I didn't realize just how HARD this was going to be. I really relate to what you said about feeling like you're building up a sense of womanhood. For me personally, I don't really feel like I've been a woman all my life. When I still believed I was just a gender noncomforming cis boy I did what I could to find comfort in it despite the dysphoria I experienced, and it's hard to move away from the comfort of staying where you've been. And I totally understand what you mean about how old friends and family can give some really complicated feelings. I always feel weird hearing my lifelong best friend refer to me by my new name and pronouns. It's uncomfortable to me that things are changing even though this is a change that I WANT.

Thanks for posting your thoughts about this! You seem very thoughtful and genuine. Internalized transphobia is so tough to deal with! I hate that voice in my head that says my friends and family are supportive of me to be nice, but don’t “truly” see me as a girl. Deep down, I really don’t think that’s true. But the really insidious thing about internalized transphobia is that I think there’s a part of *ME* that doesn’t see my womanhood as being as valid as that of a cis woman. Because, as much as it sucks to say, I also wish that I were a cis woman. And so I think part of me ends up projecting those insecurities onto other people subconsciously. But it’s important for me to remind myself that there are SO many different flavors and experiences of womanhood. Being a woman can mean so many things to so many people whether it’s about your gender, skin color, height, nationality, personality, etc etc. Point being there is no *universal* woman experience, and being trans is just one of the myriad ways to be a woman! Do you have a Twitter or insta where you post your thoughts and stuff? Would love to discuss trans womanhood anytime!

TW: Prejudice references via religion, family, & education (it's also lengthy) I feel the same way. Although opposite. I'm a gay Transman & was taught from as far back as I can remember that if you are lgbt+ you will go to hell nearly everywhere I went. Family (both close and extended), church, the religious community that came from the churches I was forced to attend, and our public school that low-key taught us about bible related stuff in history class. The only education I received about lgbt+ growing up was basically "gays exist and they are people too". Nearly, if not, all of it came from prejudice cisgender heterosexuals. I came out to my mom about being trans twice. The first time by saying stuff like "i feel like i should have been born a boy" at 10 (I didn't know trans was a thing) The second was at the age of 28 and my mom tried to guilt trip me into being cisgender. A lot of people think that being lgbt+ is a "lifestyle" "choice" unfortunately. My parents are slowly working on using my preferred name and pronouns. But right now they unfortunately out me nearly everywhere I go so I've become very open on educating people where I live. But eventually I plan on moving a lot further away as I only live about 1/2 - 1 hour from most of my family and would like a fresh start after I've medically transitioned. The only thing that I really regret in terms of being trans is that I felt like I had to wait so long because I didn't feel comfortable on top of feeling like I missed out on so much. Even now I feel so uncomfortable with my body the way that it is right now that I can't even date, feel disgusting just for stepping outside my apartment if I'm not wearing a binder, and struggle with some of my medical care. It is so debilitating.

love how "down 2 earth" and honest this channel is lol

I've seen a lot of content on this topic, is it possible that it is super internalized homophobia instead? Just asking.

I know the feeling girl. I had internalized transphobia for years because I felt I like women and have never had any attraction to men I can not be trans. I finally realized Trans Lesbians exist.

I'm AFAB and like you've said I also always imagined something magically happening so that I could become the other gender. As a kid I always automatically imagined myself as a man in future scenarios until I realised a few seconds later that Im a born girl. I always looked at guys and wanted to be like them, but then realised I can't because I'm not a guy. So a few weeks ago I put it together and figured I'm trans. I talked with my parents who are extremely supportive and I'm wearing a binder and I'm really struggling to figure out what to do with my hair. But somehow all that feels weirdly wrong. I really wish I was born a cis male but trying to become one feels extremly off and I get huge dysphoria attacks now dressing up as a boy. But imagining living the rest of my life as a girl gives me literal heartache and a sort of hopelessness. I don't know if the dysphoria comes from me finally realising Im a guy but not looking like one when I look at myself, no matter how hard I try. My face, hair and neck are huge problems for me currently. But I'm also really worried about that I'm actually not trans after all and thats where the dysphoria comes from, because then I don't know where all that is coming from and what it is. It's so extremely confusing to me but your video reassured me a little and gave me hope to try and keep working all this out, and whatever the outcome is I'm sure it will have been worth it to keep pushing and not settle back into familiarity but hopelessness. If I'm trans and the dysphoria is because of the disconnect of what I want to look like and what I currently look like and from internalised transphobia, then I can start transition and live as my true gender. If it turns out I'm not actually trans then I can keep searching for a reason why I've always seen myself as more of a guy in my imagination and why I get a sting of sadness everytime I see a cool guy and realise I can never be him, and then I can work on that issue. So thank you so much for the video. (also sorry the comment is so long, lol)

theres something that ive been feeling, and i have no idea if it falls under internalized transphobia because its not something ive heard other people experience. i do have the common internalized transphobia experience as a nonbinary transmasc (i think.. idk im still thinking about it) but its quite.. easy to shut those ones off. whats really loud and booming is the transphobic thoughts i have about others. i totally dont want to have them obviously and its so annoying, because it makes me feel awful and somehow it makes me forget about my own transness? ive noticed the really ugly thoughts i have are things that my family have said, common transphobes have said, and even some other trans people have said. does anyone experience this, a lot of the thoughts are intrusive and it feels so annoying to have to fight them all the time. and better yet, HOW do i fight them

If it helps, I genuinely thought you were afab when I started this video. And you aren’t alone in feeling like a lack of attraction to men makes you less than a woman. Lots of cis or afab lesbians feel that way, lesbianism is inherently gender nonconforming since our society is so male dominated. In a way my internalized transphobia or dysphoria is similar, but me being an afab nonbinary lesbian, I feel like I either don’t belong in trans spaces or lesbian spaces even though I know logically nonbinary is trans and nonbinary lesbians exist and both experiences make sense to me

You are always beautiful

thats the reason why i detransitioned. but i'm done living for everyone else.

see thats so true about sexuality but for me its different. im trans male and i feel like my biggest self transphobia is seeing myslef as a lesbian. onetime i had a trans women tell me im a d*ke and i always tell myself in my head if i look a specific way im a d*ke. i wont even go into what else but thats just one thing.

You are beautiful :)

Your voice is so fucking cute 💕

I watch ONE video about how nazis are bad and now my feed is flooded with trans content, why is this?

You have a tell when you're sad. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-8l_XW5l-oPI.html It goes away when you smile.

Your plight breaks my heart. Sorry you are suffering. You are unique and loved, Nothing wrong with not being attracted to men, women are awesome and you are too.

You are very much wonderful beautiful never feel that you are not all of these things never let anyone speak or in anyway make you feel or act in shi*y about being who or what you are or feel you want to be that is their problem you have lovely hair style it or shape it to make you love it

You are a girl, Boone Williams. You may never be Cis, but you're still just as beautiful. It's true that some will always think trans lesbians are weird. But who cares about them. I know it dampens our spirits and we begin to question our gender... and that's why it's important to find a group that supports and accepts us as we are. If we have some friends we can lean and cry on when we need to, then it helps us to pay less attention to what these "Haters" (or anyone put off) think of us. 🏳‍⚧♀ 💖

You are still very beautiful girlfriend and I made a special video for you on TikTok and sent it to you on Instagram