Is Your Partner “The One?” Wrong Question | George Blair-West | TED 

I believe the message here is more nuanced than how it was presented. First, you have to give him props for being pro-marriage but at the same time cautioning people to not just marry the person they are in love with. His main point here is that falling into a legal commitment with somebody that makes you “feel good” seems to not work out in the long run. That is because a long term relationship requires personal sacrifice of the self for the betterment of the other person, and this won’t be easy to do when the “feeling” is no longer there. Rather, we should take a more practical approach to what may be the most consequential decisions of our life. This sort of practically already exists in arranged marriages which is why we see a higher rate of relationship satisfaction with those couples. It is rather hard for us to make practical decisions about our own lives, which is why it may help to have a community and family involved in this decision. Now, the other part not discussed here is that more people today are isolated, living away from family, or are lacking any close personal friendships. To add to that, there is social media which gives us a false sense of reality, and makes us compare our lives to others. Making a practical decision is not as pretty as the lifestyles or relationships that you may be seeing on social media. So we’re caught in a hard place. If making a practical decision on our love life is the correct path, and there’s evidence to showcase that it will provide a much more successful relationship in the long term, then how do we know we are being practical when everything around us is showing us to live based off a “feeling”? Aside from that, it almost seems that if you are going to be the one in your group of friends to be more practical about your love life, then you’ll probably feel like you’re the one losing out on that fun and exciting “feeling” that all your friends are getting to experience. Imagine you’re the only one in your circle of friends saving money, which will compound interest over time and make you rich in the long run, but meanwhile all your friends are living it up and spending their money on great adventures…You’re going to feel like you’re the one missing out on life in that moment, right? It’s not easy to be committed to the long term success, especially when it’s not even guaranteed. You’re just supposing it will work out based off the stats. Life is really a risk, and no matter what route you take, you won’t know until after it’s happened if you took the right path. Now go find that TRUE LOVE of yours. Cheers!

instead of asking are you the one? ask 1) do i accept my partner despite their shortcomings 2) do i commit to nurture them to achieve what is important to them? 3) do they accept me? 4) do they commit to me? all you need is 4 yeses

It's about having the right priorities. Love is meaningless without being connected to respect and honour for yourself and your partner.

True love is my favorite word to hear in this discussion, because it makes me understand how important it is to choose "Someone" who is truly sincere in loving me for who I am.

Truly insightful. Thank you very much!

Does the marriage last is not the only possible measure of success. Cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, are also cultures where divorce is mush less acceptable and much more stigmatizing, and where the woman have fewer or no options after a break up.

It's a really interesting topic. Thanks! 😊

Excellent talk. One of the best Ted talks about relationship and love in a while. 👍👍👍🇨🇳🇨🇳🇨🇳

Wow. Thank you

Never married , 27 years together since high school , and i cannot imagine my life without her....I hope she feels the same way...!!

The Most Unromantic but Actual definition of Love 😊

What a great Ted talk about true love ❤

Notice the top "satisfaction" measure in arranged marriages is loyalty. Loyalty is a rather nuanced term that can be interpreted in a dozen ways. Loyalty to a partner who cheats on you? To one who beats you? To one who controls all the money, forcing your loyalty? While I agree that these data points paint a picture, it certainly does not answer the WHY for the reason behind people staying in arranged marriages, especially since this is a worldwide picture. Women in many countries who largely conduct arranged marriages are programmed not to say anything remotely negative about their marriages, for fear of social isolation, banishment, or worse. This is why self-reported survey responses - in all research, not just this kind - are viewed by scientists as the least reliable form of information for drawing scientific conclusions. I'm not saying there is no validity to the differences between love marriages vs. arranged marriages. I'm just saying that the data presented here leaves room for more investigation. It is certainly not the final word on this topic.

@12.21 "... in an arranged marriage all you have from the outset is a commitment". Hmm?! The people I have known in arranged marriages might say it is an obligation pressure and responsibility to their respective families and the task/pressure not to question and or humiliate and disappoint and disrespect that family/tradition, not to mention this is also done in many cases to safeguard wealth and social status. Relationships are a complex complicated and convoluted chemical reaction. Trying to reduce them to an studied logical explanations is always interesting/amusing.

I don't know, I think for Trinity this question was pretty relevant.

I think if people understood that it is more probable to beat the house at a casino in Vegas, than to end up in a long term happy marriage (30% as apposed to 25%); they might take it more seriously. Both can leave you miserable and broke.

why is the word "committed" bleeped 01:38?

Anyway I heard it for learning the English language and gaining knowledge cuz I like to talk and understand the English language

I wonder if the satisfaction rates for arranged marriages are higher, is just a result of the relationships dynamics and feeling being stable over time, because there is less/no honeymoon phase to the relationships, and that the satisfaction rates for love marriages drop because they become relatively less emotional with time (as expected because they are now comparing honey moon phases with the monotony of daily life). Because all the metrics are comparative it is impossible to determine which marriages are ever more satisfying or what people are using to determine their own metrics.

Love and arrange marriage are two different things. Love is unsecured and unconventional. Arranged Marriage is commitment of verbal or nonverbal agreement by the society and for the society in most cases. Most of all desire love marriages from 15 to early 30’s, then finally end up in arranged ones. And in some categories of relationships, people just looking for partners but either social reforms or some other factors restrict them.

applausi

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Anyone else feel like 6:50 was a laughing track?

I've said for years, it is a recent thing in humanity that people marry for love.

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Not anymore.

Yeah me and my ex were a love marriage that lasted 19 years and 3 kids. We fell out of love. Still get along and cooperate. But once love goes, there's nothing left for the marriage. Something to be said for arranged marriages.

But what about all those marriages that begin with both finding "the one" and have the incentive to solve issues as they come about, making for a lifetime of being in love, being very close, retaining romance, almost attached after for example our 56 years. Study only those and talk about the flip side.

Also… you don’t always have the time. It s not the same to start a relationship when you are 20, 30 or 40. The older you get, the more expérience you have, and the less time you have. When you feel like you found the one you’re not going to wait 4 years when you’re 40.. mostly for a woman that wants kids

I wonder what "love" means to people.... Because i see alot of people say love is meaningless unless blah blah blah.

The camera view from behind the speaker is embarrassing lol they should not show that it looks like there's no one in the crowd🤣

marriage will never work when at least one of you is incapable of love

Domestic Comment

The missmatch usually starts when someone (male or female) is conned by a narcissist or psycopath. In this regard, parents are likely to avoid this situation or, at the very least, to be no more likely to make the mistakes than the younger generation.

first comment

I've seen a pattern where weekends are couples. They spend weekdays at their respective parents' homes and weekends together as husband and wife. There's a lot of diversity.

I wish i could have listened but my mind kept wondering. I only want to make my comments after i hear,

I am forwarding this to my grandsons whose marriages I intend to arrange! Know Indian couple whose marriage was arranged. Works like a clock. Chinese friend told me that the couple and couple’s parents must agree on future husband/wife. They REALLY should! 👍🥰

Best comment

This was so close, but its not it.

Worst comment

Arranged marriages don't date. 🤔. Perhaps this buys them a few more years.

People STILL go to "TED" groups? LMAO! 🤣 Don't tell me people also STILL pay money for these! 🤣

God loves you and takes care of you so that this message reaches you. God is the one who created this great universe and has complete control over it. And the greatest loss that a person loses in this life is that he lives while he does not know God who created him, knowing the Messenger of Muhammad, the last of the messengers, and the Islamic religion, the last of the heavenly religions. The great intelligence, before you believe in something or not, is to read it, study it, and understand it well, and then you have the choice to believe in it or not. I advise you on this now before you do not have time to do that.

he lost me at .......no gender........its this insanity that is tearing apart society at the moment.

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