My squad leader told me the trick to being married is....when you are home, you have to be home. Take care of the kids and such. Have to be there and present because you aren't home a lot.
My advice after 20 years in the service is this. Don't live in military housing, make friends in your local community, go to the gym and take classes that you love. When your spouse is home take classes together. My wife and I do crossfit together when I'm home. Have your parents visit when your spouse is deployed. When your spouse is home, make the most of it and take vacations. You will never regret traveling together.
I didn’t get married until I was 35. Best decision of my life. It freed me up to go hard and fast at a lot of my personal goals for a good 10-15 years. In turn, that provided my wife and me a mature personal and financial foundation from which to become a very formidable team.
My husband is not SF but 26+ years in the military this advice goes to any military wife. 100% when your husband gets deployed Murphy will show up. You have to be able to handle it. By it that means everything. At least today you have Google and RU-vid if you don’t know how to fix it. Also know that any event, holiday, birthday etc assume they will not be there if they show up be happy but NEVER assume that they will be there including the birth of your children.
As a young officer, one of my first battalion commanders told me “you will be part of your family longer than you will be part of the Army, always remember that.” The mission comes first, but make sure those who love you know why you are doing what you do, and make sure that they feel loved and know how special they are to you, even when you are away. It is darn hard to make that work, and probably better in Tier 1 and Tier 2 units to just wait until retirement before you try to have a marriage, let alone a family.
So many guys in the Ranger Regiment married attractive women that were completely useless by themselves. I hated being left behind on a deployment because they would call Rear D to get help doing basic tasks or complain about not hearing from their husband that was obviously busy. Also saw some of them at bars without their wedding rings. Choose your spouse wisely
this "I'm not a team guy" show a great thing about Jocko's personality: he understands easily where he's mistaken and fix it. No vain pride. Awesome. I'm heading that way.
It’s easy to see from afar, but independent people really need to take a long look at themselves before involving others, and especially children, in their pursuit of excellence.
Feeling a bit of this conflict now. I want to go further, but it feels like there's an element of selfishness that I feel I can't let win. I feel my spiritual commitment to my spouse is equally, yet uniquely, deep when thinking about the potential depth of fulfillment in being among a group of people who want to do more for others and themselves on a different scale. Tough decisions and it seems only the individual can assume the risk and determine what is truly worth it. In the end, there won't be too many things that we can consider to have truly mattered. For anyone making these decisions, thanks to you and your family for your sacrifices.
I assume none of you are military. Jocko is not talking about excellence in business, he's talking about war. Life and literal death. His discipline and excellence, brought his guys home to their loved ones. He's an excellent example to his children. We need more Americans and Dad's like him.
@@mgway4661 lmao almost.. biggest differences are a lot less stressful job, and it's much easier to find a replacement, even if it's only for the weekend.
It must suck. It’s basically signing up for a husband who’s going to be crippled, dead or mentally scarred. It’s not about “handling a lifestyle”. It isn’t a lifestyle. It’s barely a marriage. Same as a senior surgeon, lawyer etc (except they don’t have the danger). Never home, always working, no time for family.
He also didn’t mention screwing around and cheating on their wives that leads to a lot of divorces. Howard Wasdin wrote a book about being a seal back in about 2000 and he was pretty honest about the fact that the guys screw around a lot. His wife eventually got her revenge by having a baby and he was at the hospital watching it being delivered and realize the baby was a completely different color than him.
@@yawenclaudio5756 Ramadi: Explosions, terrorists, gunfire, death...no big deal At home: angry wife...also known as instant death...some say it’s worse than dying in combat
As a wife of a SF guy, I agree with Jocko, it’s not easy. You have to be able to be alone and do stuff on your own. I’m a single parent most of the time, but when my husband is home it’s so nice to have him around. You have to understand and accept that his work is priority, and you get to hold down the fort when he’s away. And after he returns from deployment you have to give him time to readjust to being home, and to being a husband and father. There have been times where he’ll talk to me like “one of the guys” and I’ll remind him that I’m his wife. He’ll adjust then we move on. I’ve thought about divorce a few times, not going to lie, but it just didn’t seem like the right answer. My girlfriends always ask me how I do it, honestly it’s because I love him and I admire his love for his job. I, also, understand that it’s because of him doing with he’s doing I get to be home with our children, which is where I want to be since they’re still little. It’s always sad to meet other SF wives at a gathering and then to hear that they’ve since divorced and are in a nasty custody battle, this is common. This type of marriage isn’t ideal for most people.
Hi ma'am! I'm on LDR with my military bf. I do my best to understand and not act/ be needy. My problem recently is I keep looking at my phone from a notif/ txt from him and I don't like that about me. He posted on socmed yet have yet to open my message. How do I not stress about this? He and I are dating to marry. I appreciate any marriage advice. Thank you in advance! :)
The guy I’m dating is wanting to join MARSOC and told me about this. And the fact that it’s at least 6 years and he doesn’t want to subject me to this lifestyle. I so appreciate his consideration and at the same time I’m fighting wanting to be with him anyway. This is very eye opening and good to examine in a non emotional way.
Important topic.. probably best delivered by your wife. Not disagreeing with your stance, but it's the delivery. There are a lot of SO newly weds who could learn and share in their way... coming from an old marine whose son is going on 10 years on the teams and on his second marriage this is an important topic. Would love to hear your wife's story of survival... and kudos to her for doing so... much respect.
As SoF guys, you probably shouldn’t make the decision to get married until you get out. That kind of life isn’t for basically every woman, and basically unfair for them.
The battle ain’t worth fighting if there’s nothing to fight for, and you don’t have to be married to pursue a relationship with a woman while in the Special Operations. But it’s hard man, it takes a strong woman, no, a strong person in general to have that mental fortitude.
There are guys that don’t get married until they get out so then you end up with a 40 something-year-old guy marrying a 20 something-year-old woman so he can have children. Which sounds great for the guy, but for the woman, when that guy turns 50, he’s probably going to be in the VA hospital half the time with injuries and operations and she’s going to be practically a nurse.
I definitely brought and in a new way bring stuff home from work and have treated my better half like one of the guys. Very good food for thought and insight guys thanks.
@@mgway4661 Out of curiosity, what is the easy way to learn that? I think most people here need to realize there is a difference between being a Seal and just being an Alt Right a-hole.
@@davidnelson7719 The easy way is asking yourself. Alt right? Who uses those words? Most folks here are just right leaning. Family, love of country, love of God, right to bear arms, freedom of speech. What’s alt right about that?
@@chloehennessey6813 Most folks here are just regular dude. Everyone once in a while you get someone who is on the "all women are evil" band wagon. The misogyny is the tip off of a deeper problem. That problem leads to the alt right.
This goes for first responder spouses too. I work through weekends, birthdays, holidays, and I know that if I had a spouse who was constantly bugging about it, it would prevent me from putting my all into what I love. It's nothing personal, just something that comes with the territory.
I think 'putting each other first' means for both people - 'each person should put the other person first, rather than putting yourself first'. And then, of course, the job is the no. 1 priority.
I have two friends that are former Army Rangers and they told me something that I always wondered if it is true. Is the fastest way to a young navy seal to do something is to say “I bet a Army Ranger could do it.”, vice versa to a Army Ranger “I bet a Navy Seal could do it.”. Is it true?
I know this is from one of your early podcasts, but as a civilian, I would be interested if you had anything you would add or change to this response, if asked today and after being out of the military for a bit. Legitimate questions, with a 90% divorce rate within that community, the lifestyle itself seems antithetical to what one would need to have a successful marriage; at worst a simply stable one. As someone who has no knowledge of this world besides what I've learned on the growing genre of Navy Seal podcasts and books, I would be curious to know Jocko's thoughts on the the most common "non-job-related" contributors to divorce. - With the lifestyle and lack of proximity to anyone except your Teammates, what are the infidelity rates of either the TEAM guys or their wives, and how does the community deal/view that? - For the guys that make it through with their marriage intact, what is the rate of divorce after they leave the Teams? - What kind of relationships do these guys have with their kids (either while still married or post divorce)? - Given the "friendly" abuse among your brothers/friends as part of the culture, does that translate into actual abuse at home? - Given how insular this world seems, how is the transition out of the military? I know marriage is difficult when not faced with any of the challenges required by the job these guys do, so I imagine the job and lifestyle exasperate existing problems, or weak marriages. But, if what you're saying is true, then you and your wife are among the exceptions. Thanks for sharing this snippet.
He gets this really wrong, woman who divorce those men are doing those independent even more then if they stayed married. They are not just metaphorically alone, they are alone. They just don't want to be married and be alone at the same time. It's not about can, it's about want to. Most people want to be married, to be married in the more regular sense.
Don’t know about marrying an SF soldier or SEAL. I mean I’m thankful we have men that are willing to do it. But I don’t like the thought of him being gone for years at a time.
Didnt realize how high divorce rate was in the SEAL's. I know America is 50%. 90% is a big rate. This is great advice for military. This can also be applied to many of us in civilian world. Worked on the road doing 4 10's so home on weekends. Had guys on grew who would call home an hour plus every single night.
Never in the military but love these podcasts. We are a family of doctors/surgeons I saw my mom support my dad in his profession. Like he would come in late and the first thing out of his mouth was I need to get changed and head back in to the hospital in 30mins. She would never bitch or get pissed, she understood that is the job, she would say go shower ill fix you a plate of food. My own marriage didn't work because she couldn't accept the patients came first. For example she would be pissed for the day if I was called in at night because the call woke her and i was making noise getting dressed in the dark ( she banned me from putting on the light) even though she would be back asleep in 5 mins! Luckily we didnt have kids and we separated pretty amicably. There is a reason so many surgeons are married to nurses!
How do you put each other first if you have to put the military first? Realistically, we are bound by a contract with the military. We can’t just say “no”. I work 10 plus hours a day. Knock out errands on the way home, get home and knock out to-do list tasks, cook dinner, try to show some affection, and then go to bed and wake up and do it again the next day. In between deployments and courses and training, and PCS, we try to go on the occasional trip or adventure. In the end she feels lonely and that the world revolves around my work. In all of this, how can we put them first, or make them feel first? It just seems like a nice thing to say but is unrealistic.
Under 1k views. Keep up the good work sir! Love the podcast and I want to ask you what should I pursue: SEALs or Rangers? I’m in college right now and I want to be a doctor in the future but also serve in spec ops. I am inspired by Johnny Kim to do this so please let me know
Leroy Brown thank you sir for the advice. The reason I want to be part of the military is because along with becoming a doctor, I’ve always wanted to be in the military as well. So there’s that but yea I’ll consider that too. Thank you for the input.
@@panosm.8041 Jody is military slang for the guy that steals your girl from you while you're away in the military. If you join you will hear about Jody a LOT.
I disagree about the not checking in everyday? Yes not everyday but once a week can be too much for the woman. I think 3 times a week is a good balance, because usually lots of woman wants reassurance. no doubt. its in the nature, they can do their thing independently but it’s nice to know that the significant other can check in every now and then even if its a brief 20 mins call. this is usually caused of divorce cause its rare for woman to expected to have that once a week communication. majority will be okay if they understand and balance it out to three. you need to compromised at both party cause everyone has different boundaries and learn to respect each other if you do care
Hi ma'am! I'm on LDR with my military bf. I do my best to understand and not act/ be needy. My problem recently is I keep looking at my phone from a notif/ txt from him and I don't like that about me. He posted on socmed yet have yet to open my message. How do I not stress about this? He and I are dating to marry. I appreciate any marriage advice. Thank you in advance! :)
Hey Jocko I know the Mrs doesn't want to come on but if she can give her side of this topic in some other way it would be worth alot to me and I'm assuming other people. Tell her I said please?
I think he’s referring to JP Dinnell (sp?), another Team guy. This excerpt is from one of Jocko’s early podcasts. He had JP on and they talked about his marriage somewhere around broadcast 43-47, I think. That was an interesting listen because JP doesn’t seem to take Jocko’s approach to marriage. That said, I don’t know if it was the same while he was in the Teams or if it changed when he got out.
It might be best for these guys to wait until they are older and closer to the end of their time in special forces before they marry. By then they will have more wisdom and have cut down on drinking the kool-aid.
Easy. Don't get married if both of y'all are busy and cant see each other frequently. The BAH- etc may be enticing, but the problems of cheating or finding an interesting person is there.
90% divorce rate means 90% of wives can’t stand the experience of not being #1. They expect us to demonstrate sacrificial love but they can’t hold themselves to the same standard. Men and women are different. Nuff Said
