John Branyan - The Three Little Pigs 

My daughter's creative writing class watched this. She came home and said, "Woe! Woman who hath birthed me, tis I, thy favorite advanced student entering upon the threshold of thy humble abode! I pray thee that thine will let me screen a video upon computer monitor from an internet website that will make you guffaw with great joy at the sight of it!" When I watched the video, I was very confused, then I realized that my daughter had a way better vocabulary then I did, and now I know where she got it. Thank you comedians!

He had me at: "In times past though not long ago, there lived pigs--in stature, little; in number, three-- who being of an age, both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune, did set about to do thusly."

I did this for a Talent Show at school.....and nobody understood it but the English teachers. I still won the grand prize.

As pig three puffed out his chest and tapped it with a hoof, he replied: "It's American made." I almost died laughing.

Causing Pig Two to cry out in dismay, "Well, this knots my knickers!" HILARIOUS!!!

Now that is how you use a thesaurus

My good sir, thou hast my sincerest thanks, for I doth, with audacious vigor, must simply declare, without guile or fraud, that this amusing spectacle so sent by your hand, hath fallen upon my eyes and ears to no small delight, and shall indubitably tickle my fancy for at least a fortnight.

This is beyond funny. Tears of laughter describes my reaction. I really appreciate comedy that does not have to resort to shock value or endless profanity laced with sexual innuendo. Great Job, John Branyan, brilliant to say the least!!!

I'm in college now, and i've had to show this to every english teacher since 9th grade

how he kept himself from becomin' tongue-tied is IMPRESSIVE!!!!!!!!!

"...splattered second swine shack and shortened his sanctimonious scolding simultaneously!"

How on earth can one remember such exquisite vocabulary.

In time past, though not long ago, there lived pigs, in stature, little, in number, three, who, being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly: When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, heed this tempestuous realm! Tarry we long from hearth and home, we shall fair, I fear, *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impelled, the diminutive swine set about each to erect for himself an abode. Pig numbered one did construct his house from straw. Pig numbered two did likewise, though rather not from straw but instead from sticks. Meanwhile, unique in his imaginings, pig numbered three did erectus his domicile stalwart and garish a structure made from brick entirely. Soon there happened along, as is frequently the scenario in classic tale of protagonist pig or red hooded child - a wolf. Carnivorous nature in full season, he called out to the straw staunched swine saying, “Pray thee, little pig, grant me entrance.” But pig one recalled with sage foreboding that he is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly pinched wolf and responded immediately, “Nay it shall NOT be indeed! Not by wit or whiskered jowl!” Prepared for this most expected response, the wolf replied immediately, “Then steal thyself, little pig! Forthwith shall I endeavor by employing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle yon flaxen fortress!” Where upon there issued forth from the wolf an exhale of gale proportions that quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross and carried aloft piglet and shattered quarters both. Exposed now to claw and fang, piglet one made haste, wolf in pursuit, to the stick festooned sanctum of peccary secondary. Causing pig two to cry out in dismay, “Well, this knots my knickers! The marshaling of feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors amenable nor congenial!” “A thousand pardons!” Squealed one. ”T’would seem the beast’s baneful breath has purged me of home and sound judgment alike!” The mighty maelstrom of the wolf’s exhale…splattered second swine’s shack and shortened his sanctimonious scolding simultaneously. “Low and behold!” Squealed two, “stand we now amid wooded wreckage, tremulous and vulnerable with nary a strategy for eschewing the canine devourer looming in deadly proximity!” “Strategy?” Squealed one, “While ‘tis noble to contemplate tactical particularities, pressed as we are with the time restraint forbidding detailed strategical conversations, I would URGE WE RUN!” Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Whether by their own fleet footed competence or the wolf’s windless attitude, the diminutive swine arrived at their ultimate kindred neighbor’s inexpugnable brick ingress unscathed. Upon the third pig’s door with urgent hooves they pounded calling out, “Unbar this entrance and with haste, we beseech thee!” The third pig haled from the American colonies, And possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors replied, “Say what?” “Seek we sanctuary!” They implore on the verge of hysteria, “Lest we fall forthwith to the ravenous appetency of yonder approaching carnivore!” Still confounded by their importunate words, Pig three did render ajar his portal whereupon one and two spilled through and collapse beyond the threshold, enervated. “So y’all just wanted to come in? You could’a said that.” The sinister hiss of the wolf could once again be heard outside, “Pray thee pigs, grant me entrance!” “The wolf!” said one and two. “Wolf?” said three, “What’chya suppose he wants?” “He seeks to gain purchase within, indeed he would occupy this very alcove were he but afforded the most meager of opportunities!” “Right…I’m just gonna go ask him what he wants.” “Under no circumstances!” Squealed two flinging self bodily against the portal, “there is naught to be gained accosting external opponent save our immediate demise!” “What did you say about my momma?” House and occupants were again engulfed in a malevolent blast of wolfish wind. The foundation shook, the frame rattled, and low, to the astonished eyes of piglet and encroaching scoundrel alike, stood the third pig’s lodging undaunted. (Good news for you, pig fans.) Aghast and dismayed, pig two quarried of three, “How does, against such relentless and torrential onslaught, this domicile endure?” Pig three, puffed out chest, tapped a hoof to the hearth and responded, “It’s American made.”

I am a 60 year old Mom who home schooled all three of my kids; and they all read Shakespear. All I can say to you, kind sir, is that You Nailed It!!!! Great Job!!!

I keep watching this over and over and over...

Most beautiful version of this story, I have yet to hear. As well, HELL YEA! AMERICAN MADE BABY

I've watched this a hundred times and still love it!

"NOT BY WIT OR WHISKERED JOWL!" This guy is so awesome.

I'm still waiting for Shakespearean version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Red Riding Hood, and Jack and the Bean Stalk.

I will soon be an uncle. The child will hear this story... often.

This is not Elizabethan English but a clever parody of it. Bravo!

As a hardcore story junky and lover of fairy tales and nursery rhymes and Shakespeare in pure form, I say this is by far the best version of the three little pigs that I have ever heard. John Branyan--you are brilliant! and your lexicon is greatly expanded and I thoroughly have enjoyed this bit!!! Thank you thank you! Hilarious.

my language arts teacher went to school with this guy

Would love it if you create a whole album of nothing but nursery rhymes like this. Hilarious! Also would love to see the effect of someone who actually speaks Queens English to someone who claims they only read the King James Version. It would be a great social experiment.

Does it make me a nerd if I understood him perfectly?

I use this and his book in my High school English class to teach teach Shakespeare. it introduces the language in a form the kids can grasp...

It is a brilliant comedy routine. John has published it as a delightfully illustrated booklet you can order from him.

I remember him performing this bit at a church in Virginia and the silence was deafening

I'm an English teacher and I'm totally going to show this in class :D

[giggling] Lovely job. ^_^ I actually grew up reading classics-my mother thought they were necessarily appropriate for children to read, so I'd get handed Ernest Hemingway while being forbidden to read Goosebumps. My stepfather and brother and others would mimic archaic style and verbiage but completely mess it up-they mangle syntax or word usage or something. Branyan obviously had a clue and was using it on purpose. Not the easiest to do. Kudos to him for that. :)

First saw this in Grade 10 English class. Still brilliantly humorous to this day.

Oh please rewrite and create a colection of all fairy tales, please.

Is it just me, or is Piglet #3 actually Ron White in disguise?

How long do you think it took him to practice that.

Excellent .175 people wonder if it comes on DVD .

The moral of the story is, make sure your house is American made

Still watch this. It cheers me up so much on a bad day; and is a delight on a good one.

I love it when comedians crack themselves up!

The best presentation of John Branyan's "Shakespearian Telling of the Three Little Pigs". He has done this comedy for many years and a number videos of it are on You Tube. This one, in my opinion, is the best....

Have to view this ever six months or so for a superlative giggle :D

One of the best comedic bits ever created. Epic and gets me every time, God bless.

It was after midnight in a motel room with some other girls from science club when one of them looked this up on my computer. We had just checked in, and were supposed to get up early to get to my state's Science Olympiad to compete. Obviously, we were exhausted, but also wired. So we decided to watch/share a couple of our favorite RU-vid videos before going to sleep. In those days, kids would know RU-vid, but no one bothered to get an account because it wasn't worth it. We just remembered some cool stuff and shared it with friends if it came up. So probably 10 years ago. Naturally, we had to watch it a couple times to get all the giggles out before we actually went to bed. But the bedtime story did the trick. We were up on time and ready to go before the chaperones and the boys. 10/10 will always recommend, even 10 years later.👍

This is hilarious! I would love to have a whole book of stories written in this style--love it.

My class watched the and counted the different ways of saying house. We got 12/13 without the double ups

hi. I love this. I wish you would do the rest of the fairtales like this. As historians and linguists I and my friends would love more of these.

He does such a brilliant job of vocalizing each character.

I don't care if it's not "Old English", this is wonderful and I love it! (BTW: keep up the Poddy Time podcasts, Tim!!!)

what'd you say about my momma? lol

i've seen this several times, and it's always achingly funny. Not just the language, but the delivery. He's a marvel.

I love vocabulary, and I love how John kept laughing as he thought ahead on what ridiculous things he was about to say. :P

You are to be commended. This was fantastic. I may have peed myself a little.

One of the funniest things I have watched in quite a while. This made my morning!

I've seen this a hundred times and it makes me laugh every single time.

Thine Love for ye old classics and the good hearted nature of thine old English language maketh me love thy study of linguistics be thus RENEWED!

Every time I listen to this routine, I always wonder how many hours it took him to get it perfect. It's a classic!

LOVE this! Never fails to make me laugh until my sides hurt!

By far one of my favorite videos of his!

I saw this live last night. I loved the part where he said "Say what." xD Best part.

I say old chap. thwas extraordinarily well executed. Bravo.

I've listened to this more times than I can count and I laugh every time. Good stuff!

One of the most hilarious things I've ever heard. John Branyan must have done this hundreds of times. You can in later versions that the performance is more polished.

Sir I applaud you. This piece now stands in my estimation paramount among its rivals in comedic performance. *claps*

AWESOME! Now, do Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Amazing. Tho I was compelled to adjust the delivery to a slower pace, I must declare that if Shakespeare had been introduced in this fashion to me as a child I would probably have become a professional historical languages wordsmith.

this is the 2nd time I've listened to it.

Wow this was awesome! And hysterical as a fan and amateur student of linguistics.

We just saw John Branyan tonight for the first time. He appeared with Tim Hawkins in Carmel, Indiana. We LOVE Tim Hawkins! John is hysterical as well! One of the highlights of the evening was John's telling of the 3 Little Pigs in Shakespeare-like vocabulary. We laughed so hard we thought we'd pee ourselves!

Three Little Pigs - Middle English "In time past, though not long ago, there lived pigs, in stature little, in number three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly. When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered First spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this tempestuous realm! Tarry me long from hearth and home, I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impelled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode. Pig numbered One did construct his house from straw. Pig numbered Two did likewise, though rather not from straw but instead from sticks. Meanwhile, unique in his imaginings, pig numbered Three did erect his domicile stalwart and garish, a structure made from brick entirely. Soon there happened along, as is frequently the scenario in classic protagonist pig - or red hooded child - a wolf. Carnivorous nature in full season, he called out to the straw ensconced swine saying, “Pray thee, little pig, grant me entrance.” But pig One recalled with sage foreboding that he is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly pinched wolf and responded immediately, “Nay it shall NOT be, indeed! Not by wit or whiskered jowl!” Prepared for this most expected response, the wolf replied immediately, “Then steel thyself, little pig! Forthwith shall I endeavor by employing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle yon flaxen fortress!” Whereupon there issued forth from the wolf an exhale of gale proportions which quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross and carried aloft piglet and shattered quarters both. Exposed now to claw and fang, piglet One made haste, wolf in pursuit, to the stick festooned sanctum of peccary secondary, causing pig Two to cry out in dismay, “Well, this knots my knickers! The marshalling of feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors amenable or congenial!” “A thousand pardons!” Squealed One. ”T’wood seem the beast made from breath has purged me of home and sound judgment alike!” The mighty maelstrom of the wolf’s exhale splattered the second swine’s shack and shortened his sanctimonious scolding simultaneously. “Lo and behold!” Squealed Two, “stand we now amid wooded wreckage, tremulous and vulnerable with nary a strategy for eschewing the canine (should be lupine) devourer looming in deadly proximity!” “Strategy?” Squealed One, “While tis noble to contemplate tactical particularities, pressed as we are with the time restraint for bidding detailed strategical conversations, I would URGE WE RUN!” Whether by their own fleet footed competence or the wolf’s winless attitude, the diminutive swine arrived at their ultimate kindred neighbor’s inexpugnable brick ingress unscathed. Upon the third pig’s door with urgent hooves they pounded calling out, “Unbar this entrance and with haste, we beseech thee!” The third pig haled from the American colonies…. And possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors replied, “Say what?” “Seek we sanctuary!” They implored on the verge of hysteria, “Lest we fall forthwith to the ravenous appetency of yonder approaching carnivore!” Still confounded by their importunate words, Pig Three did render ajar his portal whereupon One and Two spilled through and collapsed beyond the threshold, enervated. “Y’all just wanted to come in? You could’a said that.” The sinister hist of the wolf could once again be heard outside, “Pray thee pigs, grant me entrance!” “The wolf!” said One and Two. “Wolf?” said Three, “Whatcha suppose he wants?” “He seeks to gain purchase within; indeed he would occupy this very alcove were he but afforded the most meager of opportunities!” “Right. I’m just gonna go ask him what he wants.” “Under no circumstances!” Squealed Two, flinging self bodily against the portal, “there is naught to be gained accosting external opponent save our immediate demise!” “What did you say about my momma?” House and occupants were again engulfed in a malevolent blast of wolfish wind. The foundation shook, the frame rattled, and lo, to the astonished eyes of piglet and encroaching scoundrel alike, stood the third pig’s lodging undaunted. Good news for you, pig fans. Aghast and bemused, pig Two quarried of Three, “How does, against such relentless and torrential onslaught, this domicile endure?” Pig Three, puffed out chest, tapped a hoof to the hearth and responded “It’s American made."

I could listen to this everyday !

"Marshalling a Feral Wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors amenable or congenial ! " ..... "The Malevolent Blast of the Wolf's Exhale splattered 2nd Swine's shack and short his sanctimonious scolding simultaneously! " One of my favored segments of Peccary Perambulations prior to making Haste to save Hyde and Hair .

This was... hilarious! My English teacher showed us this today, and I was laughing so much, that I fell out of my seat and laughed under my desk for a few seconds. She thought I was dying.

We watched this in my english class and it's still funny to this day 😂😂

Upon hearing this story one would be delighted. This is a new and illuminating point of view, for a mere story about three little piglets.

That was amazing XD. I couldn't remember the first 3 lines let alone the whole story XD.

What a refeshing intellectually stimulating, prolifiricating and enjoyable performance! Give me more.....

he needs to make this into a book. I would buy it

This brings forth melodious laughter from my proginy and myself. I cried out but not in dismay! Come up to the great white north and let us pay homage to your craft by attending a concert here.

thank you, ashlyn bhatt for this absolute gem!

It’s been AGES since I’ve watched this video but I’m so glad I randomly remembered it today

You know what's weird? I have no idea what he just said nor could I repeat it. Yet...I understand every bit of that story. Lol

This is my uncle 😂. It's kinda cool to have an uncle who's semi-famous.

that shakespearean nursey tale was awesome

As a Warthog lover and a Shakespeare lover (and a Shakespeare teacher back when the dinosaurs still roamed the earth) myself, this is the funniest rendition of the Fairy Tale I have ever heard. How Branyan memorized this is beyond me.

I can't believe that House and Storm thought that the audience would not understand the narrative (much less, that it would take thesaurus searches to write it. Abet, the language is not that colloquially used, but anyone used to reading anything in Old English can quickly pick up the cadence. In the SCA, (as well as Ren. Faires) there are those who practice speaking in that manner regularly. I may decide to start doing that more myself.

Splattered second swines shack and shortened sanctimonious scolding simultaneously

What joy doth this bring to mine ears! Truly, an encouragement to increase the size and facility of our vocabulary.

“It’s American made😊.” I enjoyed THIS version of The Three Little Pigs!

Terrific, thank you. I'm still laughing !

Brilliant. Classic. To be quoted.

Never gets old, love it!

That was the absolute best version I ever saw/heard!!!

I have seen and heard several tellings of the story. This is one of my favorites.

OMGSH LOOOOVE THIS!!! I love his facial expressions and how serious he is and then he turns around and does a 180 on us when it comes to pig 3 haha

The best 3 little pigs tale I've ever heard......

This comment has inspired me to upgrade my vocabulary! "Aardvark" done.

I couldn't memorise this in 1000 years!!!

That was the greatest story EVER!!! Definitely buying the book! VERY creative, it was AWESOME!!!

I know every single word but never know what they are trying to express when combined together.

If tis true that laughter the best medicine doth entail, then surely am I healed of all mine ailments after viewing this. Although, I must confess, my sides, back and jaws do ache from laughing.

Wonderful talent love this!❤