Three Little Pigs Like You've Never Heard Before. John Branyan 

I don’t know what’s more impressive. That he wrote this or that he memorized. Brilliant!!

And thus the jester did bequeath unto his captive audience with such flair and finesse, a whole new vocabulary with which to enjoy the delights of mirth...

I am 74 years old. I miss the humorists of old who could make you laugh without offending or denigrating anyone. Mr. Banyan takes the art form to a completely new level. Haven't laughed this hard in years. Thank you, John.

“Clearly that was the rib we used to use to read minds!” I’m dying man 🤣🤣🤣

"I didn't pay for Netflix so you kids could sit there and read" 😂😂😂

Not only did he write this but memorized it perfectly!

I found myself literally clapping at the end and hoping for an encore. This man is brilliant, a comedic genius.

My 15 year old son and I watch Drybar comedy nightly. On this one, he was lit up laughing and practically VIBRATING 😂 he says he NEEDS this telling of the Three Little Pigs in hard copy form. He told me to wake him up early in the morning so he can transcribe the whole bit 😆

This guy is a genius. It was riveting, articulate, memorized, (which never ever happens anymore), and somehow funny as well. I am dazzled as to how he came up with this. The workings of a brilliant mind, for sure

He should get "the three the pigs" written that way 😁😁... I would buy that book!

It is true that we don't use vocabulary the same way any longer. Even in the time since I was born in 1962. This was brilliantly written and executed. Imagine the hours it took for him to both write and memorize this story. Hands down the best rendition of the Three Little Pigs ever done.

I'm grateful for the incredible exercise of vocabulary used by John Branyan to create the retelling of this story & also for the CLEAN humor endorsed by Drybar. Thanks to these comedians who prove it's not only admirable to create classy humor but hysterical!! Thanks

Someone PLEASE hire this guy to rewrite ALL of our fairy tales so that they can be performed in plays !

I love a comedian that can take something ordinary and make it extraordinary just by the "telling"!

I thought the line about the rib we use to read minds was going to be the highlight of the show. But luckily for me, for us all, we did not hasten off this page, but stayed and our ears were blessed with the tail of piglets three. A blessing not bestowed gently like that of falling snow, but a downpour that came upon us with thunderous applause and hysterical laughter.

This is, by far, without a close second, the best comedy routine I have ever seen. The constant use of 4 letter words strung together in a different order every few seconds got old in like 7th grade.

With most utmost respect I declare: Dude that was freakin great.

Never before hast thine ears collected the sound of such frivolity! I am left spent from laughter upon the floor of my domicile still convulsing from thy words!

The absolute greatest rendition of "Three Little Pigs" I've ever heard.

You need to publish THIS version of THE 3 LITTLE PIGS! I would buy many and give them out as added presents for Birthdays or Christmas. You nailed it! I LOVE IT!! BRAVO!

Hands down. That is the BEST version of three little pigs I've ever heard! I mean... thou hast put forth the most preposterous and exquisite telling of a tale that hath bore me in the former years of my youth to become the most memorable and formidable legend of all time.

"Oh God!" didsth I gasp wilst listening with great mirth to the tale of yon 3 porkins. With much force did water eschew forth from my optical orbs and cascade down my cheeks as my breath was ripped from my heaving chest till the end and I was able to regain control of my nerves once again.

You rock, John Branyan. History, comedy, words, literature all in one!

What a delight to hear the English language spoken properly once again! It rings as a most delightsome musical symphony unto my ears, which would, if able they would be and legs they had, as most agreeable partners to such an inspired move of ecstatic expression they most certainly are, waltz up and away, into the night, high unto the heavens, lifted by the lilting waves of these orchestral notes, known to some as…words. What an exceeding joy erupting in my heart! How I long,…nay, yearn, to hear it always spoken thusly!

I think most people get turned off to Shakespeare in school when they have to read it. This kind of language is meant to be performed and that is made very clear here.

This is the type of comedy I like the most. Focusing on Punchlines, and not Obscenities.

That pig story was freaking WELL DONE! And very entertaining! I kept wondering how it would end, with the 3rd pig. Happy to hear "American made products saved the day! Really nice job!

Hilarious! Had rivulets of salty tears emanating from my visual orb sockets, finding their way down my cheeks which were pulsating with the laughter coming from my vocal orifice!

THE BEST version of 3 little pigs I have ever heard 🤣

My vocabulary hath been expanded to the nth degree as my brain doth hurt from such exposure...

Jaw-dropping fairy tale from a true comic genius. I hope that he writes a brilliant screenplay about anything. And hires actors that can keep up with his storytelling.

I have not laughed for 3 months. Until now! God I needed this! Thank you sir!

This is unbelievable. Seriously. The best freestyle rappers out there can’t touch this flow.

I’m unsure which is more remarkable, that someone came up with this or that I understood everything that was said.

I’ve probably watched this 50 times or more … and I still laugh till I cry … excellent

i walked into the room as someone else was watching this and heard this just as the 3 little pigs got started. such a treat! this is art!

Even the Big Bad Wolf is impressed by this. His voice is awesome. He needs to record a complete audiobook of the nursery rhymes. His deep voice of the third pig is awesome. I could listen to his story telling all day

this was by far the most compelling and satisfying retelling of this classic tale i've ever encountered. this stopped being comedy and started being an enthralling voice recording of one of the most boring tales of my childhood within an unexpectedly short period of time. i wasn't ready.

That is the best Three Little pigs story I've ever heard in my entire life it was wonderful.

Who says there is no intelligent comedy? This man is amazing! Can you imagine all the combinations of words living in his head? Definitely worth subscribing to his channel.

Just WRITING this children's story, in this language, is genius enough, but to REMEMBER AND RECITE it all like this??? Oh my God !!

I want to see this guy retelling the story of Hansel and Gretel.

This was beyond impressive and I'm not easily impressed. I cannot remember ever being so entirely captivated by a story. Pure brilliance. Thank you Sir! For that remarkably intellectual stimulation and intense laughter 👏🤝🙌 I threw a few emojis in for extra measure. 🤣 BRAVO!

Came across this in the recommendations, never heard of him before, so glad I watched it - The guy is brilliant.

That was fantastic!!! Can you imagine how excited his children must have been to go to bed? Bedtime!.....Yayyy! Speak forth us a tale father!! Lol!

Saw him do this live several years ago. Had hundreds of tired homeschool parents laughing hysterically 🤣😜!

When he went into that "I would urge we run !" Then said "WEE - WEE - WEE - WEE -- !!!!" I CHOKED with laughter !!! 🤣🤣🤣

This reminds me of a high school Economics paper I wrote one time. Our teacher assigned us to read any fiction novel of our choosing and explain the plot in terms of economics. I didn't want to read some huge book if I didn't have to, so I chose Green Eggs and Ham. And I explained every. single. sentence. in as verbose Wall Street-speak as I could. Got an A+, too! As for this guy, we actually read his Triune Tale of Diminutive Swine book every year around Christmas, passing it to a new person each year and seeing if they can read it out loud without messing up any words or laughing. Idk how on earth he managed to memorize it, even though he's the author!

Shakespearean verbiage of 3 Little Pigs is priceless, simply priceless. Mr. Branyan needs a huge award for this piece... laughed till tears flowed down cheeks.

Best version of The Three Little Pigs I've ever heard.

The fact that he remembered that whole tale is truly impressive... well done.

“The Three Little Pigs” retold by comic John Branyan, illustrating the power of rich vocabulary In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly. When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” and so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode. Pig numbered one did construct his house of straw. Pig numbered two did likewise, though rather not from straw but instead from sticks. Meanwhile, unique in his imaginings, pig numbered three did erectus his domicile star-ward and garish structure made from brick entirely. Soon there happened along, as is frequently the scenario of classic protagonist pig or red hooded child - a wolf. Carnivorous nature in full season, he called out to the straw staunched swine saying, “Pray thee, little pig, grant me entrance.” But pig one recalled with sage foreboding that he is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly pinched wolf and responded immediately, “Nay it shall NOT be indeed! Not by wit or whiskered jowl!” Prepared for this most expected response, the wolf replied immediately, “Than steal thyself, little pig! Forthwith shall I endeavor employing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle yon flaxen fortress!” Where upon there issued forth from the wolf an exhale of gale proportions that quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross and carried aloft piglet and shattered courters both. Exposed now to claw and fang, piglet one made haste, wolf in pursuit, to the stick festooned sanctum of peccary secondary. Causing pig two to cry out in dismay, “Well, this knocks my knickers! The marshaling of feral wolf on my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors of animal nor congenial!” “A thousand pardons!” Squealed two…one…”T’wood seem the beast made from breath has purged me of home and sound judgment alike!” The mighty maelstrom of the wolf’s exhale…splattered second swine’s shack and shortened his sanctimonious scolding simultaneously. “Low and behold!” Squealed two, “stand we now amid wooded wreckage, tremulous and vulnerable with nay various strategy for ensuing the canine devour in looming in deadly proximity!” “Strategy?” Squealed one, “While it is noble to contemplate tactical particularities, pressed as we are with the time restraint for bidding detailed strategical conversations, I would URGE WE RUN!” Whether by their own fleet footed competence or the wolf’s windless attitude, the diminutive swine arrived at their ultimate kindred neighbor’s inexpugnable brick ingress unscathed. Upon the third pig’s door with urgent hooves they pounded calling out, “Unbar this entrance and with haste, we beseech thee!” The third pig haled from the American colonies…. And possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than impromptu visitors replied, “Say what?” “Seek we sanctuary!” They implore on the verge of hysteria, “Lest we fall forthwith to the ravenous appetency of yonder approaching carnivore!” Still confounded by their importunate words, Pig three did render ajar his portal whereupon one and two spilled through and collapse beyond the threshold, enervated. “Y’all just wanted to come in? You could’a said that.” The sinister hiss of the wolf could once again be heard outside, “Pray thee pigs, grant me entrance!” “The wolf!” said one and two. “Wolf?” said three, “What’chya suppose he wants?” “He seeks to gain purchase within, indeed he would occupy this very alcove where we have afforded the most meager of opportunities!” “Right…I’m just gonna go ask him what he wants.” “Under no circumstances!” Squealed two flinging self bodily against the portal, “there is none to be gained accost the external opponent save our immediate demise!” “What did you say about my momma?” House occupants were again engulfed by a benevolent blast of wolfish wind. The foundation shook, the frame rattled, and low, to the astonished eyes of piglet and encroaching scoundrel alike, stood the third pig’s lodging undaunted. Good news for you, pig fans. Aghast and dismayed, pig two quarried of pig three, “How does, against such relentless and torrential onslaught, does this domicile endure?” Pig three, puffed out chest, tapped a hoof to the hearth and responded “It’s American made.”

Ney i beseach thee bring forth more of this magnanimous comedy for i have a ravenous appetite.

Thusly, a phenomenal comedian he doth make, bringing a comedic renaissance to our current humourless society. Bravo. =)

He should get an Oscar for that performance.

This is AWESOME! I did a lot of Shakespeare in high school so I feel this! 😂😂

Not even undomesticated equines could remove me from this performance.

As a factory worker in US, the punchline had me cheering 📣!😀

Amazing rendition of The Three Little Pigs and honest rendering of the role of the man, woman and American sensibility! "American Made"

That was AWESOME! Now I have to clean Iced tea off my screen.🤣

I speak his language! I tell my husband, "Do thou clean the kitchen whilst I away to the laundry room." He is brilliant!!

This was dope. Kids and adults should try to retell all fairy tales this way.

I think of the time and effort, the practice. to produce this tale. Absolute genius.

I would like to see him do all of the old fairytales the same way, that would be a DVD I would buy a copy for myself and all of my family absolutely fantastic storytelling ability

The story was great, but more impressive to me is that someone could memorize something that long and complex.

After listening for the past hour of the doom & gloom of my Country, this 10 mins of laughter has restored my soul. We may still be doomed, but we'll go down laughing.

One of the most brilliant sets I’ve enjoyed in stand up comedy. Well done.

So classically hilarious!!! I literally don’t have the words, for after thus, I dare not speaketh!!🤣

Mr.Branyan should make a series of these, that was brilliant.

THIS WAS JUST BRILLIANT. Rewirte all fairy tales

When I'm feeling down, I just listen to this 3 pigs story, and I crack up laughing! It's so funny! Thanks 😊

That was good stuff. "It's not enough to speak, but to speak true." Well done Mr. Branyan.

Fascinating how a retelling of a classic tale could bring forth a RU-vid video with a vast expansion of vocabulary usage in the comment section...... and yay me for knowing what they all mean!

Here's the transcription: In time past, though not long ago there lived pigs in stature little, in number, three, who, being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune, did set about to do thusly. When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken brethren heed this tempestuous realm tarry we long from hearth and home, we shall fare, I fear, *oink* not well!” And so, being collectively agreed, but individually impelled, the diminutive swine set about each to erect for himself an abode. Pig numbered first did construct his house from straw, pig numbered second did likewise, though rather, not from straw, instead from sticks, meanwhile, unique in his imagining pig numbered three did erect as his domicile stalwart and garish a structure made from brick entirely. Ah, but soon, there happened along, as is frequently the scenario in classic tale of protagonist pig, or red hooded child. A wolf carnivorous nature in full season he called out to the straw ensconced swine saying, “Pray thee little pig, grant me entrance!”, but pig one recalled with sage foreboding, that “He is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly binched wolf!”, and responded immediately, “Nay! It shall not be! Indeed, not by wit or whiskered jowel!” To this most expected response the wolf replied immediately, “Then steal thyself little pig forthwith shall I endeavor in blowing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle yon flippant flaxen fortress!” Whereupon there issued forth from the wolf an exhale of gale proportions, that quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross, and carried aloft piglet and shattered quarters both, exposed now to claw and fang, piglet one made haste, wolf in pursuit, to the stick festooned sanctum of peccary secondary, causing pig two to cry out in dismay, “Well, this knocks my knickers! Marshalling a feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors amenable or congenial!” “A thousand pardons begged one, it would seem the beast's baneful breath hath purged me of home and sound judgement alike!” The malevolent blast of the wolf’s exhale splattered second swines shackets shortest sanctimonious scolding simultaneously. “Lo and behold!”, squealed two, “Stand we now amid wooden wreckage tremulous and vulnerable with nary a strategy for eschewing the canine devourer looming in deadly proximity!” “Strategy,” exclaimed one, “while tis noble the contemplation of tactical particularities, pressed as we are with time restraints forbidding detailed strategical conversation, I would urge we run!” *Piglet running noises* Whether by their own fleet footed competence or the wolf’s windless attitude, the bantam porkers arrived at their ultimate kindred neighbors inexpugnable brick ingress unscathed. Upon the third pigs door, with urgent hooves they pounded, calling out, “Unbar this entrance, and with haste, we beseech thee!” The third pig hailed from the American colonies, possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors, replied, “Say, what?” “Seek we sanctuary!”, they implored on the verge of hysteria, “Lest we fall forthwith to the ravenous apatancy of yonder approaching carnivore!” Still confounded by their importinant words, pig three did render ajar his portal, whereupon one and two spilled through and collapsed beyond his threshold, ennervated. “So, yall just wanted to come in? Why didn’t ya say that?” Hiss of the wolf could be heard, “Pray the pigs, grant me entrance!” “The wolf!” said one and two. “Wolf” said three, “What ya suppose he wants?” “He seeks to gain purchase within, indeed he would occupy this very alcove were he but afforded the most meager of opportunity.” “Right. I reckon I’ll just ask him what he wants.” “Under no circumstances!” squealed two, flinging self against portal, “There is naught to be gained accosting external opponent, save our own immediate demise.” “What did you say about my momma?” House and occupants were again engulfed in a malevolent blast of wolfish wind, the foundation shook, the frame rattled, and lo, to the astonished eyes of piglets and encroaching scoundrel alike, stood the third pigs lodging, undaunted. Aghast, and befuddled two queried of three, “How does against such relentless and torrential onslaught, this domicile endure?” Pig three, puffed out chest, tapped a hoof to the hearth, and responded, “It’s American made.”

That is the best rendition of three little pigs I have ever heard.

Fantastic retelling of the old children's classic! Genius!

It's American made ☺! Love from Nigeria 🇳🇬

"say what?" I lost it 😂

PLEASSEEE, you've GOT to do ALL the other GRIMM fairytales, the very same way! You're a great talent. Bring more of it on! I can't wait!

Brilliant !! So refreshing to hear a comedian that doesn't need to resort to expletives but captures the mood by useage of language !! ...love it 😁❤👏

Perhaps if we read to our children like this we wouldn't have to have suffered through Justin Beiber and the Kardashians....

THIS is how people perform Shakespear. Words are easy to remember when you put some emotion behind them.

I don't care how many times I hear this, I laugh. John is great for this.

Love his rendition of the three little pig children's tale. It would be very interesting to hear the same kind of version of other fairy tales. Excellent, just excellent!

This guy is a breath of fresh air hilarious and wow no profanity

I read an early version of "the Swiss Family Robinson" to my visiting Grandson who was having learning and reading difficulties at school. The book was full of this style of colorful talking. It turned a switch and my Grandson caught up in school the next school year.

Still my favorite version EVER of The Three Little Pigs! ❤❤🤣🤣

Best version of "The Three Little Pigs" ever told. (Giggle...laugh...snort...)🤣😂

Reading old literature definitely improves one's vocabulary and comprehension of the written word

"Clearly this was the rib we used to read minds with." LMAO!

“Say what??“ 😂 To remember all that is simply genius!!

I can NOT stop watching this !!! Recommended many times ! Thanks, John !!! Priceless !!! :)

When you drop out of getting your major in English Lit and instead pursue your dream of being a stand-up comedian

How genuinely refreshing it is to listen to Intelligent humor!! Thank you!!

Bravo! John Branyan that was superb! 👏👏👏💕 ENCORE, ENCORE!!

I've seen this several times and absolutely love it every time!! So clever and very funny!

I’m giving up on Star Wars, I’m going back to the good old fairytales!

I'm sure the third little pig used Acme Brick, which can be purchased conveniently from Amazon or the Acme Catalog, where Wolf's third cousin Coyote orders all his supplies.

Robin Williams would have loved this bit. This is a tough bit to do. Great job.

I have been listening to this over and over for two years now. And every time it blows me away! Not only is his delivery perfect, but his memory Hass to be something beyond conceivable for most people. I forget my iPad passcode at times, so I have no idea how he remembered this. That in itself makes this one of the greatest pieces of comedy I’ve ever heard.