Jordan Peterson: How to be more Disagreeable and Assertive 

" NO" is a complete sentence.

"Truth is your best friend when it comes to being agreeable."

I’ve learned the trick is to NEVER START OUT AGREEABLE. It will only make it impossible to EVER push back without being perceived and told “you have changed”, “got mean”, etc. You virtually cannot reclaim your personal sovereignty once you have voluntarily surrendered it. I got assertiveness help and changed jobs. It was very difficult to not back slide into my natural people pleasing personality, BUT it was worth it in every way.

5 minutes of Jordan Peterson a day keeps the doctor away :) i don’t know what i would have done in life without him He saved my life

Imma male, and grew up in a severely dysfunctional family. Before hitting puberty, I developed two types of depression, an anxiety disorder and a severe inferiority complex, burdened with many fears, insecurities, weaknesses and self-condemnation for all my negatives... ...unable to (too frightened to), and never being taught how to stand up for myself, I developed a victim\doormat mentality and spent years believing life itself had a special place for me and was consciously out to make my life miserable. It would be in my 40's, as my Know Thyself journey continued, that I began to be secure in myself (no longer requiring external validation), confident in my observations and thoughtful conclusions, proud of my positive traits and abilities, my moral and ethical code and how I treat others, no longer ashamed of my personal preferences, my likes and dislikes. From sorting my inner shit out, and love (doing your best for someone and compassion) and understanding being the core foundations of all I do, I can now easily stand up for myself, and do so respectfully, without hating or attacking the other who either disagrees with me or is doing something that could be harmful to me or others. With this developed attitude, I'm no longer fearful of any negative reactions, responses or consequences when I justifiably stand my ground, as some folks will lash out at you when you don't comply to their perception of reality or their desires. I now have the ability to freely, effortlessly, be myself and allow others the same freedom, and am not bothered if another gets upset and\or attacks me for being myself or when I express thoughts that differ from theirs. Standing up for oneself is not an attack on anyone, or a denigration of them or their thoughts, therefore one shouldn't be ashamed to be oneself and live according to one's own understanding of life.

I try to have some disagreeable friends who are good company as they will tell you exactly show how you are gullible and help you, if they are really your friend, and show you how to be assertive. It has helped me out a lot! When you maintain a good balance between the two doors just open up!

After 35 years of being taken advantage of like a doormat I've had it. 🤷‍♀️

For me, it is a fear of not being accepted or liked by my peers, therefore i would rather be agreeable and universally liked. The problem with this is that when you are overly agreeable, the people who “like you” or “accept you” will subconsciously not see much value in you because you are putting other peoples feelings over your own. It’s better to have 5 friends who truly respect you and your feelings than have 100 friends who don’t see your value.

1) Figure out what you want 2) formulate that aka speak the truth which can lead to conflict so it takes courage to do that 3) become friends with your critical intelligence that you have become to be ashamed of so to not hurt others

My advice to those striving to become more disagreeable: Give up the vices. This can range from substances to behavior. ANYTHING you know you shouldn’t be doing must go. Alcohol was my problem and when I learned how to say NO, I took control of the wheel again. I learned how to say no to the bars with friends, no to eating unhealthy foods, and no to quitting on workouts. You must learn how to say no to yourself before you can say it to other people.

My infp ass watching this at 2 am

I have one simple trick. Just think in this way: everyone takes care of themselves, thus you should take care of yourself too. Agreeable people thinks that they should help people or at least shouldn't take advantage of others. This is the kind of mindset that holds them back from interacting with other people fairly.

I've never thought much about the downsides of being so agreeable, until very recently when I started my first job. If something doesn't change I can easily see myself falling behind and not being able to compete to progress in my career. It's a really hard pill to swallow but listening to Jordan Peterson on the various reasons women earn less have helped me to pinpoint what's holding me back. Empowering stuff!

Self interest isn't the same as selfish

This insight really helped me as a 25 year old, usually agreeable female in the software field. I realised I won't get what I need/want if I don't speak up. It took a lot of guts to start doing that and knowing how to do it respectfully at the same time.

Very interesting and well articulated. I disagree with most of it.

In Spain decades ago a great grandmother lived next door. I got to know her some. She knew she was fairly soon about to pass on. I asked her what she had learned what she would change. She answered ‘ I wish I had fought more. Often I knew what was rt. I wish I had fought more’ Her son wd come by every so often. He was also my landlord. He was rude to his mother, in front of me. And he tried to cheat me on the rent. I left the place. I missed that old , lonely woman when I did-long since dead now.

You have to take care of yourself better than you take care of other people.

Jordan Peterson was speaking directly to me. I will heed his advice. Thank you.

I'm a man raised by women. And I developed a mindset pretty much spot on with what he's describing. My recent breakup brought all of this into focus. My ex had a very negative aura around her during the tail end of our relationship. I always picked up on it but I usually feigned ignorance because I felt bad about doubting and questioning her. Turns out she was lying about our finances to the point where I'm still recovering from it today. I've been wrong about people before so I tend to be disproportionaly trusting even when I shouldn't. But trusting your own gut and putting yourself first hads it's own learning curve. Hopefully it will never happen again.

I have been so agreeable through out my life and it has served me well for a long time. The last 2 years have been hell and it was a direct result of my agreeable temperament. After I watched and read books from JP I have tried to hard to do the small things he talks about, my life is changing for the better… but when I’m being disagreeable, I literally have to give myself some pep talks, it’s truly uncomfortable. How long does it take to feel not horrible about it?

Im watching this video because there is a toxic narrative going around in the world, that kindness equals weakness. It's a fallacy, it's a stupid and toxic narrative. A person can be kind and assertive. I'm rather upset right now (I came here for therapeutic reasons) because for the thousandth time I was told by an acquaintance that I deserve to be abused because I'm kind. Kind is weak. I have been listening to her talk about herself for 5 hours and I've happily given her only my sympathy and encouragement. No problem. When I mentioned that I've been abused quite a few times myself, she said those things about me deserving abuse. Attracting it with my kind energy (simultaneously using the words "weakness" and "kindness" as if it were the same word). I told her that I am making an intelligent choice to be kind. It's certainly not a stupid one and it's not a weakness. She said that it's evidently not an intelligent choice to be kind, otherwise I would never have been abused. Excuse me? Firstly, it's an assumption without facts. Secondly, we are always choosing between right and wrong. Any day, I can choose to be mean and petty, but I'm not, because I know the consequences of being mean and petty. I've been kind to her. Would she prefer that I treated her with disrespect? Being nasty, cruel, impolite, selfish, exploitative? Is that better? Would that make me less deserving of abuse? If it's true that some people LIKE to abuse people who happen to be kind: it doesn't justify it. You cannot claim that someone should change their character or energetic aura just to stop being a target. I know that is *not* what Jordan Peterson is saying at all. I'm just arguing against an idea that is common in the world. Kind people have rights. And timid people have rights, even though it's not the same thing to be nice and timid, but nonetheless, both have rights. And it's not justified to abuse someone who is "nice". They are making the choice to be nice to you. Why are you not making the same choice for them? Anyway. Having said that, it's great to have a strategy of how to talk to disagreeable people. But, that does not mean that having a persona that is soft and feminine or kind (man or woman) equals weakness and it does not mean that they should change. I hate people who talk down to me. They're out the door. Strangely they assume that I'll continue to be kind to them even after they say these degrading things to me. Absolutely not. I'm not giving my time to such people again

4:15 most important advice

For an agreeable person the shadow side, unacceptable and repressed aspects of personality, likely need to be taken more into account. I'm not sure if I'm agreeable by nature but I was too agreeable. Connecting with the parts of myself I felt guilty about, including as Jordan mentioned intuitive thoughts that weren't 'nice', was a huge game changer for me. I had more power, more to say, less resentment and better communication. I did his authoring suite around that time and it really helped but was part of many things.

Needed to hear this today.

Thank you JP. Gods continued blessings.

This is so true about critical intelligence.So many projects I worked on teams where ppl were not walking their talk. And when I spoke my views, constantly told I was a pessimist. Until the issue came to the front and literally shocked ppl. Enough said.. I left that company, which later closed down..

This is one of the best bits of advice and presented very well. However it is sad that no matter how renowned and qualified JP is, and how universally sound this advice is, there's the problem of pathological narcissists & dark personalities - who tend to over-represent positions where you NEED to negotiate, where they will attempt to destroy you for not being agreeable to them.

I believe since covid started and now almost 2 years later I am more unagreeable and assertive. If I can take away anything good about this time is it made me more disagreeable because being agreeable just makes you weak and a follower. As well assertive as I stand by my beliefs I won't let anything get in my way

Thank you Dr. Peterson. ❤

Phenomenal message!

Great advice about knowing what you want, then you'll know when you're being trampled on. When you start to push back, de-personalize it, keep emotions out of the equation.

I'm sick of the idea that women need to be agreeable. I managed a small but important department at my last job, and I used to ask the manager constantly for the help I needed and was entitled to per the company rules. I was supposed to have 1-2 helpers, and I was constantly running the department by myself with no help, and obviously no chance for time off. And even I have to take days off each week, and when I would, nothing would be done and I'd come back to a fucking mess. At first I tried the friendly approach to asking for what my department needed, but over the years I saw that all that does is get you ignored. Eventually I became much more serious when requesting things, although still respectful- just leaving out smiley faces and stuff in emails and getting right to the point. I was told that I was completely out of line for this. Meanwhile I looked around and saw my male coworkers NEVER smiling, talking to people in abrupt and harsh tones, and never told that they're out of line- and they also got what they needed when they asked for it. I've never been one to cry "sexism" but in this case there definitely was some (probably subconscious) sexism in the way my managers viewed my tone vs theirs, and the amount of consideration I deserved vs my male peers. Total bullshit. At least I know I did all I could to stand up for myself, and eventually I quit and found something better (and higher paying) and left them to clean up the mess. The thing that gives me the warm fuzzies is the poetic justice of it- the managers refused to give me trainees, so no one- including the lazy managers- knew how to do my job, which was all about paying the bills for the store. They were FUCKED for months. So nice to know :)

I dont believe every person is either one or the other. I am a mother of 6 and a wife to an amazing husband. I love to serve them, nurture them, care for them. I tend to be very selfless with my children and husband. However , I believe most people who interact with me would label me as a disagreeable person because I change based on the circumstances. I have no problem with confrontation, assertiveness, and taking leadership ect. And it's because of my family. My husband is very agreeable in personality and will give and give and give even at our expense. Hes easily taken advantage of so usually i am the one that has to communicate with people and confront them in sometimes uncomfortable ways. I do this because of my territorial feelings towards my family and my love and care for them. Because prioritizing their well being and safety doesn't end with them, but it also means standing up for my family and guarding them. I think in the house I am very agreeable. Outside of the house I am not. It's interesting to think about.

Wow, this is very insightful and absolutely fascinating.

However, there is one important consideration here that commonly gets overlooked. Positions in a place of work at some time will have a "stopping" point for someone who is growing their career. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people wanting their employer to contort into something they aren't in order to fulfill the employee's need and when the employer declines the employee stays and becomes embittered. You must be attentive to that voice that tells you it's time to go, you want to transition maybe 9-12 months prior to cresting the top of the bell curve. Doing this will ensure you transition from your current one to the next both sharp and hungry.

My answer now would be - incorporate your shadow. Rather complicated method but results are there

"I think woman are agreeable because it helps them deal with infants". Interesting theory I guess, but I always thought it was simply a survival mecanism in a world where at least 50% of the population is physically stronger than you and can beat you up if you piss them off.

Honesty is not common in people. Honesty, with oneself, w others, takes courage. Honesty can be found. It needs to be practiced. Practice telling the truth. Just be truthful. Things get more simple right away. I think the most important virtue of all is honesty, and honesty subsumes courage. It will come, if you are self-aware, if you practice

My struggle with assertiveness is that at the time a conflict or negotiations is pending i can't find the right words to make my point. And 5 seconds after im like: i've should have said that. The posibility to think something through before the 'conflict' isnt always there. Anyone got some tips for me?

Thank you professor 👍👍

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I learned to be very frightened of authority. Much later, I worked 12 years with a bunch of bullying female corporate lawyers who had no clue whatsoever how to effectively manage their staff. I was terrified to stand up for myself for fear of losing my job. The office environment consisted of mostly women, was cliquey and toxic, and most staff were afraid to go to HR. There was a whistleblower telephone line in place for staff to speak with (apparently) outside consultants - in reality, were employed directly by the company... the women I spoke with there brushed off my concerns as if they were unimportant. My boss got away with shouting at me unjustified accusations due to my personal fear of telling HR the truth. I've since changed careers and continue to work on myself with the help of a good manager.

Fantastic video

Very true. Thank you.

Thank you

I think she needs to read books on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most people on this planet have had less than ideal childhoods. It's in the early years that we learn how to cope with bad parents: Angry, Controlling, Overly Critical, Negligent, Abusive, etc. It's not just the culture of men versus women and their roles, it's much to do with totally dysfunctional parents, and the bad example they set. I'm met plenty of very assertive and disagreeable women, they were total bitches, trying to take advantage of my good nature and kind heart. Please, whoever wrote this question, learn about complex Ptsd, it is for all sexes. You have to learn to take yourself very seriously, forget all the crap about goals, wants, desires, yes, it is important, but it is only surface bubbles. Your core is more than your goals and desires. It is you. When you want to say no, say no. I've heard a psychologist say on RU-vid: Some children are born with more empathy than others. So, for children who have naturally more empathy, they need to be taught boundaries and how to take care of themselves. For children who are born with less empathy, they need to learn how to take the focus of themselves, and care more about others. Sounds like this lady needs to learn how to first have empathy for herself.

It is possible to say no and still be kind. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

It would be amazing if you made a course for this!

Allow yourself to act courageously 4:49

Thanks again Dr. 😀😀😀🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️

I just got into a huge fight with the president of my company. The place is a sinking ship, and we keep losing good people because they want to run “lean and mean,” and it’s becomes so mean for the overwhelmed lower level employees that they’re leaving. When we express that we’re overwhelmed with work, they hire a new VP or Exec to tell the lower levels employees what to do. Then they lie to my face that they don’t have the money to hire someone to help us. I know they don’t respect me as much as I deserve simply because I’m a girl and it’s a male dominated industry. They’ve yelled at me just for speaking about what they told me to in meetings. I notice I always have to say things twice, because they don’t bother to listen the first time. I’m tire of it, but it happens everywhere I go because it’s the same industry. I tend to be a very agreeable, hard working person who just wants to do a good job with whatever I’m doing, but these guys don’t respect agreeableness, and they disrespect me. I don’t know that women with women would be any better, though.

In my experience, just as a regular young adult person who's tried to be assertive, with family, partners, roommates, bosses, teachers, friends etc. I have been told I'm intimidating, blunt, and often sometimes called rude. It's really confusing. Because the other half of the time, I'm told I'm being Mousy, or need to speak up for myself more. By peers, friends, family. My personality ranks(according to Jordan's provided online model) moderate high in agreeableness, but very high in neurotic, and very high withdrawal, and average extraversion. So it's almost as if, when I do stand up, I seem to not know the limit, or when to sit the hell back down.

Spot on

This guy knows all.

I tested 0% Agreeableness and 2% Politeness on Dr. Jordan Peterson's To Know Myself product. I love watching things like this on a regular basis to provide me with perspective on healthy agreeableness. Too Disagreeable is just as harmful as Too Agreeable.

"Let's assume you know what you want" - what nice joke, professor. I've been figuring this out for 33 years and is still not there... just like everyone around me.

It's so true. I was born a mom. I just want to "mother" everyone. I don't mean this to be condescending, I just want to love people. But I have another side to me, a darker side that has a very low tolerance for... nonsense. Because that is perceived to be "mean," I bury it, but that hurts me, it has actually made me physically sick. So now I need to learn how to say what I have to say in a kind, but firm, direct and truthful manner. Not an easy thing to do for an agreeable person, but it is doable.

I need help yall I feel like this is exactly my problem, especially in my family. Like I always used to agree with everyone and everything because I wanted people to like me, I never thought for myself and now that I am anything I say is controversial and people are quick to be offended and put me in a box and not even listen to what I have to say. It's like my family is always trying to correct me no matter if I'm right or wrong in a condescending way I can't quite put my finger on, as if I'm a child even though I'm the 2nd oldest. It even feels wrong in a way for making this comment because its only recently where I've began to think for myself so im not sure if I'm in the wrong since I always used to chase validation from my family. I don't know how to explain it but I just know for a fact that my family don't actually respect me and if I say it out loud no one will respect me or believe me ans just brand me as being dramatic. (sorry I just made that about myself but i'm serious need of a different perspective here)

Good advice, clearly stated.

Good job Jordan. That is true. David D.

I have never had this problem anywhere else in life. My relationships my family my friendships i have always been very disagreeable and certain of myself. Im the black sheep of my family and i wear it proudly and im willing to stand my ground against anyone. Almost. Anyone. My problem is my boss. I have a family now. So i have to take care of them and i need this job. But he believes he can take advantage of me if he tiptoes around me. I know he is also afraid of me. But this guy, hes volatile. And will fire someone on the spot if he doesnt like what you say. Its impossible to negotiate with him. What am i supposed to do?

Please add your content to Bit Chute so I can watch it. Love your videos. RU-vid is censoring free speech.

I took the big 5 test, I scored 96th Percentile for Agreeableness, and 81st Percentile for Assertiveness.

"you don't have a better friend than the truth even though it can be very harsh in the short term" Jordan Peterson

I think there is both benefits and downsides of both. Disgreeable people need to learn when to take a chill pill and not all things are worth fighting over. A lot of them can be headaches to deal with especially in relationships because they are so argumentative over little stuff. I work in a lot of customer service jobs and it was comical some of the the things diagreeable people would get mad over. I remember there was a man who was trying to argue with me over calling a spork a spork. Like he was very seriously angry. Even the guy behind him was like what the heck is going on and stood up for me thank you to that kind stranger lol. And agreeable people need to learn how to be more assertive and when it is time to actually be mad and speak up for yourself. A lot of agreeable people, myself included have let people step on our boundaries too much and have ended up becoming resentful and passive agressive because we dont know how to communicate.

“…need to face conflict forthrightly, in the present…act courageously & truthfully…trust instincts….stop feeling ashamed for ur suspicions…the darker part of you, the shadow part, may know things you could know if you were willing to admit they were true. Give more credence to ur darker element…”

It would be interesting to know in the sliding scale of agreeableness and disagreeableness (the latter which the commented responses below seem to define as being pushy or a jerk), where does being firm and standing your ground, or standing up for your beliefs and desires, lie? Or is that different? Watching this I got the impression that the person asking the question wanted to be firm, as opposed to 'how do I become repulsive?'

I always was this person, I had an safety in myself. Red/yellow disc colour, beauty and high IQ. But now with losing looks I feel weird. Its like my vision was a high independent strong woman. At some age this image is getting harder. Its like our sexual value as woman can change by aging. Self esteem comes from within. But your appeareance is mostly a reflection of that. At some point we can not even reflect that. So we starting to experience a disbalance in who we are and what we express. For people who are high aware its hard that it doesnt match up. Our body is literally our instrument. Not only for health but also to represent our character. Also sexual energy is extremely important for joy and reaching goals in life. How to be happy with yourself, dealing with losing it and have a consistent vision? Aging is seen as healthy, but I tell you it is not. It influence us deeply and can prevent us from growing. In heaven we will all having young bodys again.

I stand up for myself and I love this about me but I lack gentleness in my personal relationships. My score for assertiveness is 90. I don't like conflict but I don't hesitate if it's needed. The question is how to navigate in life depending on the type of relationship? I want to be gentle sometimes but I just can't. I have never been a gentle person. Yet i am empathetic but it doesn't show. How do I teach myself gentleness?

Disagreeable women (and men) are often set aside, or their views discounted as grouchiness.

How does one stop, or at least, reduce being or becoming an imposition? Not only to others and the planet, but, to themselves?

What is the future authoring program?

What's the name of the course he was mentioning to improve not being agreeable? 0:32

"Agreeable" is not a bad word. I'm agreeable as fuck at work. People always come to me with dumb shit that I know won't work, but I bite my tongue and pretend I'm on board, because I couldn't care less about my job and I know if I start the ball rolling on shutting down their ideas, they'll fight back and I'll get pissed off and it will be WAY more stress than I'm payed to handle. It's about self preservation and mental health. Disagreeable people don't care and they like the fight, but they're also assholes who no one likes

Thank for your kindness. To helping me, in my country I need to go out of work in 64, so I go out, They didn’t want to fier me because I was good, but they were terrible bosses and used me and Behaved to terrible, and did give me promotion, so I decided to go away and to have my pension, now I living on my pension.

He is not disagreable. People find them disagreeable for telling the truth.

When I started saying NO my life became more simple and I became more happy!

I'm a man, and I find myself too agreeable. My girlfriend is disagreeable. I believe there are as many agreeable men as women, but disagreeable women are just dont draw the level of attention that a man does and I think thats primal, men matter more to us when we think of security, theyre more threatening.

How can I assert myself and get a better salary as a middle school math teacher. The pay is 43000 a year, difficult to live on. I personally have the help of my husband, but it would seem that an assertive disagreeable person might demand a better salary or quit?

Some people kept asking favors of me. It was stressing me out and they wouldn't budge when it was their turn to do a favor. So I started telling them "no". It only took about 3 times before they stopped exploiting me altogether. Show some "teeth" as a dove and the hawks will eventually leave you be. If they don't, it's time to leave them for good.

clean your room...

Takes courage

“Truth is your best bet if you’re too agreeable”.

Future what program?

what is the future authoring program Peterson is talking about?

I have the opposite problem!

👍

Jordan Peterson is genius...

Awesome. I wonder what Dr. Jordan Peterson would think about reading works by Imam Ali [s].

It's ironic that the majority of comments on videos of Dr. Peterson's speeches and downright lectures always incite comments about personal circumstances. If you just pay attention to Dr. Peterson, you won't need anything more than what you can glean from videos or books! Watch listen learn do

Isn't resent the motivating factor in our life. Anger and resentment feels good. It's s vacation from the pain. Embraces it. After your vacation is over don't go back to the pain go back to the I matter they really don't and treat them like they don't matter because they really don't.

finally a subject Jordon has massive experience in .

I wish I had heard this 30 years ago. A friend once said, Samantha, you have to show your teeth sometimes. I have mulled that over for years. Finally, I get it.

I'm going through a lot of this at 19 in college and its rough

why do youtube posts have attractive images to lure you in

today, I handed the cashier money and he gave ma back less than what he should have, I was 90% sur about it. As I wanted to speak up, that nasty 10% of doubt stopped me. I tought to myself that I would look stupid if I was wrong at counting the money. That little doubt stopped me from speaking. Eventualy, after I left, I realized that he charged me for the extra french fries my friend had ordered. Please advise me.

Future authoring program

I need the opposite of this video i often find myself arguing with people even if its against my own point😂

I'm super.

It’s ridiculous that being friendly and being successful are at odds with each other. That is a violation of the way the world should work in my opinion.