Journal of a Suicide Survivor 

Came for drums. Left with tears. Thanks, dude.

Damn. Glad you pulled through, bro. It was worth it.

Harry, I'm not a drummer, I'm barely even a musician unless you count performing for the spiders in my crappy apartment because the thought of being on stage makes me sweat like cheese left in the sun. I do however know what it means to contemplate ending pain day after day in silence. The only thing that stops me is the knowledge that it would crush some of my family, and being extremely Canadian, I am afraid of causing even mild inconveniences. I want to thank you for putting to words the other side of the equation. People who from outside rationalize these decisions to themselves in ways that make no sense, or worse yet call the act "selfish" don't really make this an easy subject to talk about. I'm deeply sorry for your loss, and thankful you made this video. I realize posting deep confessions in RU-vid comments is like dipping a cut finger into a piranha tank but I'll chance it. I'll talk to someone, dude.

Harry, Please help me be more like you. You really embody the idea of a role model. I wish to not only be as good a drummer as you some day, but to also be as good a person as well. Thanks for being you, Dude.

Went back and watched this in 2020... still feels the same way I felt when I first watched it as a kid in 2014... thank you harry. You have blessed us all.

I'm a Mental Health Nurse and I'm considering showing this to the young men and women who come in to the ward I work on after attempting to take their own lives. Even though I'm a "professional" who has suffered from alcoholism, depression and severe anxiety over the years, I have never been able to articulate anything to do with taking one's own life as eloquently and intelligently as you have in this video. Coincidentally, one of the worst episodes of my life, a time when years of me mentally treading water came to a head, was triggered by me losing my glasses! It was the proverbial straw that broke the Camel's back. You're one Righteous Dude, Dude. Also, do "Always" by Blink 182. Ta!

Man, when you said "It's not your fault" at the end, my eyes teared up and a huge jolt went down my spine. These were beautifully inspired words. Thank you.

Mr. Miree, This was so well spoken and beautiful, graduated from high school with you, just wanted to tell you how awesome i think this video is.

Like I told you on the phone today after just viewing this for the first time Harry, I could not be more proud of the incredible young man I''ve always known you to be. Your bravery and courage to publically share your own private journey is an amazing privilege to be gifted with in and of itself. But the fact that it was inspired by your cousin is one of the most powerful tributes anyone could ever give my son. Thank you so much sweetheart. Coupled with the irony that unbeknownst to you in the hospital of my initial reaction being just that of an immediate respectful acceptance of Keenon's own decision - is further proof that you and I truly are indeed kindred souls. I look so forward to hugging you again next week my sweet, precious, special darling... Love, Elizabeth

we love you man.

As a Suicide Survivor…I couldn't have put this better! HEART FELT, raw and true. Well Done!

''...Tommorow might bring some redeeming reason to hang around one more day...'' That should be a thought everyone with depression should think about. Thank you Harry dude

Every once and a while when the mania seems to hit extra hard I'll throw this on. Thank you for leaving this up.

I know this is an old video and I don't know if you'll ever see this comment, but I just want to say thank you for the authenticity. I have been living with depression since I was in seventh grade, and as a rising college sophomore in a stressful life of a double music major with three minors it has only gotten worse. I lost two friends from school this summer to suicide but I have kept going. That being said, I have attempted on multiple occasions to take my own life but have been unsuccessful. I have projected my emotional pain to the drum set and have for the last eight years, and finally my work has been appreciated, as I have my first EP coming out in 9 days, and you better believe I'm counting down. I love your videos and your personality. Keep on drumming and entertaining. Sincerely yours, Stephen Moran - A Survivor.

Thank you so much, my husband took his own life recently, just hearing you say ‘it’s not your fault’ has helped more than you’ll ever know.

Wow, powerful. Tremendous courage. I can relate to everything you said. In my 36 years, I've contemplated, planned, or figured it was only a matter of time before i killed myself for most of my life. I've had close friends that have killed themselves, and some that have been murdered. A few things I can ad about my own experience: killing yourself is not a weakness, or a cowards way out. It takes tremendous willpower, tremendous courage, and strength. You have to literally go against the very fiber of your being to end your life. If anything has kept me alive all these years, it has been fear... not of going to hell, not of some terrible consequences. For me it was the fear or maybe some deep unconscious knowing that I'd just have to come back and start right where i left off. sometimes the only thing that kept me alive was considering all the misery my suicide would cause other people. sometimes the urge to die has nothing to do with any outward circumstances and no amount of change seemed like it would make any difference whatsoever. Suicidal people are often some of the most beautiful, deep, empathetic people you will ever meet. If we survive, and somehow turn ourselves around, we are capable of living incredible, beautiful lives.

You've touched a lot of lives man. Thank you for saying the things that some of us can't.

This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Thanks for staying Harry, your videos thought me so much and more than that you brighten my day every time I press play.

I sincerely thank you for this video. I appreciate the effort it probably took to make it and I appreciate your message. As a survivor of a friend who passed away because of suicide I needed to hear this.

Man, did not expect this on this channel. This struggle is absolutely real and it helps to hear other people speak the words that we repeat in our own heads. For most of us who have been on that ledge (literally and figuratively) and stepped away voluntarily, or was stopped by another, or survived, that ledge is still always there. Still in our minds. Still in our hearts. As of two years ago, my battalion has lost more to their own hands than to enemy action. 28 Marines from my generation alone in 9 years. It is scary and when that ledge is in your life the question shifts from will it stop to who will it be next? Then you wonder if it will be you. The courage to make a video on this with your own words humbles me. Glad you are still with us.

This meant the world to me to hear someone else, anyone else, let alone a drummer take time to talk about this. Thanks man

Henry, so thankful you are with us. Love your entertaining way of teaching us drumming. This was incredibly brave of you to share. Thanks for the people who's lives you saved through this.

...and I'm even more appreciative at how insightful...not funny...this one was. Thank you - even more so. Sometimes you expose your own strengths without intending to...and touch many people in a very positive way by doing so.

I lost someone I worked with this past weekend. Yesterday, I was watching just randomly surfing the internet, and stumbled upon your '5 tips for Drumming Like Carter', and I loved it! I've been playing drums for a long time, and I love Beaford and Fishman. You got it going on, Harry. Great chops and happiness for your craft. Anyway, I went to watch more videos of yours today - as a way to escape my thoughts and feelings of pain for a little bit - and then saw this video. As a psychotherapist, and as a person, I appreciate all of your heart felt words here, as well as for having the courage to share all that you went through - the thoughts, feelings, the emotions, the pain, and more. Thank you. I'm a fan!

Powerful, thought provoking, honest. This gave me a new perspective on the loss of a friend more than 10 years ago. Very welcome, and very much appreciated. Thank you.

I couldn't have stumbled upon this video at a better time in my life. Thanks Harry, hope you're staying busy. I know we'd all love to hear from you!

Thank you for sharing. I admire your confidence in sharing and sincerity that really does come across. Love you man.

I've only seen a few of your videos so far and I've related to almost everything you've said, but this was what I needed to hear the most. The inner voice is often the most cruel and destructive. Thanks for your insight dude, and sorry about your cuz.

I have been a huge fan of you, your word smithing, and your videos for a few years now. Every once in a while I watch this video. As someone who struggles with this area of the human condition somewhat often, hearing your experience and your thoughts have really positively impacted me. Thank you so much Harry.

Glad, glad you pulled through and glad you are too. I applaud you for this great brave post. It's troubling that as a society anyone would have to feel the need to be brave to make such a post. You will certainly help everyone who listens. Stay strong! Your life is worth living.

Thank you for this, for your strength and your honesty. I am sorry for the loss of your cousin, K.

Harry, This was such a beautiful video. Those words hit very deep and we're so eloquently put together. Thank you for all you do and the joy you bring to the human race!

Dude. Thank you! Even 6 years on, and living a world apart: you have changed a life

This video, although old, connected with me after the hours of mindless watching to quiet my mind. You are such a role model and after being subscribed for a while I am just now coming across this. Thank you for these words. You are such a good dude, dude.

Harry, the struggle is real every day. I'm glad you're still here and that you've invited us into your life. I've recently discovered your channel (yeah, I pretty much live under a rock) and am enjoying the inspiration that it gives me. I look forward to you living your dream and continuing to share your gift with us. Rock on Dude!

I needed this. I really really needed this. Thank you. Dude

I'm so glad you're still with us. You bring joy to many through your thoughts, words and music. We value that.

I'm glad you still walk the earth. You are a blessing to be shared. Keep up the good work.

We're all happy you're here making videos for us. We're all happy u pulled through.

You just came on my radar and absolutely love your videos. Very glad that you're still around, my new friend. Strength and happy drumming to you!

Brilliant, generous and selfless. Thank you, well done. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Being a drummer from Boston, now living in Knoxville, I love following your channel. This video hits hard as my best friend committed suicide a few years ago and this helped me get a better understanding. Thanks Dude!

Dude, I am a hobby drummer but son of a drummer and grandson of a drummer. I have lost close friends to suicide and I miss them dearly. I can relate to you on these aspects of life. I enjoy your drumming videos so much. You influence me to play more drums and to enjoy it while I can. Life is hard, but drums are fun! Thanks dude!

I found your great channel a few months ago and love it and your humorous but so informed and talented style. I am 67 years old and a hobbyist drummer. You have many more years to touch people's lives. God bless.

Harry, thanks for sharing. You are one of the best people we know.

Please leave this video up forever, you are truly a blessing to this world. Much love my dude !

I was there once, looking at my front door considering checking out due to the helplessness of addiction while imagining God on the other side of the door. Crying out for His help inside. After contemplating a while, i simply decided to die to myself and decided to live for others. When we turn our gaze from our own dissapointments, shortcomings, and percieved slights to helping others, our reality shifts. There is no greater fulfillment and enjoyment then helping others. And Harry, you help me and many others if only by bringing a smile to their face, you have made the world a little better place. Be well my friend.

You’re one of the best Harry. I discovered carter through you. I found a passion for music through you, and I’m so glad you pulled through man. without seeing your passion for your profession and breakdown of musical legends, I wouldn’t be nearly as happy as I am today. I’m starting to find my peace, and I’m glad you have too. From one musician to another. Thank you dude.

i cried a lot watching this. and it feels good to know someone else can express this out loud.

I'm struggling to hold back the tears here dude, thank you so much for sharing.

I realize you posted this several years ago, but I'm just now seeing it. Thank you for being who you are. That was a powerful message and meant a lot to me. You're an inspiration and a damn great drummer. Keep on keeping on, my dude.

So powerful.. Thank you for the courage to share.

I'm glad you found enough happiness to hang around.I always find joy in your post. I know that's self serving but just maybe it's reflective and you get joy back :) Love life...

Dude, speechless. Thank you for sharing. Love your spirit man.

So happy you're still around. This is such an important message to hear, for everyone.

Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you will find complete happiness for always! Well said and just floored right now!

Harry, much love brother. I've always appreciated your playful and gentle nature. We need more people like you in this world. I'm glad you made it through.

I know this video was posted 5 years ago but it remains relevant and thought provoking. As someone who has lost family members to suicide, I felt your pain and appreciated your honesty and openness. I wish you all good things Sir and from what I’ve seen since recently learning about you, you’ve turned out to be a good man with a special zest for life and especially for drumming! So keep on living your best life in honor of those people you’ve lost. Peace My Friend.

I feel your pain, and not just empathically. My brother killed himself 4 years ago and I basically told him to do it. It's a long story, but I wouldnt wish that experience on my worst enemy. Stay strong, stay in the love and keep spreadin it, my brother! RIP Joeseph Wetzel 9/22/87-4/11/16 On a side note, I think you're a brilliant dude and I thoroughly enjoy your videos. They're both entertaining and educational. So crazy awesome some of the interviews you've had. The dude Beauford and his tech are among my favorites. Keep up the great work! Much love!

My heart aches for you both in tot personal pain but also in the pain of your loss. That was written so eloquently that anyone can put themselves in your shoes and feel what you felt. I'm happy that you endured my dude. Keep up all the great work!

That was very brave. Thank you for sharing. You are quite the dude!

Wow this was incredible. Thank you for sharing this, and sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your story, Harry. I’m so glad you got through this. As a fellow survivor, I understand how hard it is to be open with people about it. Stay strong, my brother!

This video helps me pull through. Thank you.

I too have been down that road. I am thankful that you're still here. I discovered you via our mutual love of Carter Beauford. I knew you were an amazing drummer but now I know you're just an amazing human. Keep being you sir. I often watch your video of breaking down some of Carter's unique styles and it always makes my day better. Harry, thank you for doing battle when it's easier to surrender.

Just thank you for living, no doubt this video alone has helped many

Just saw a new side of you.. that was beautiful man, and I'm glad you're here in all of our lives. I hope your cousin found the peace he was searching for, and I hope you keep achieving happiness

I'm glad you are still with us, and had the courage to share this. I understand, and am sorry for your loss.

I keep coming back to this video. It's articulated so well. As I just today realise the return of a struggle that I thought I could consider more dormant than the credit it deserved, it's comforting knowing that it can be described and known. That's different to when I was young and didn't have the reference of seeing the beast from the outside, which I at least have now.

This is an Awesome Video, You have captured the Darkness of those feeling that so many of us who are posting have felt before. I wish I could Write like that, So poetic.

My cousin left this world a year ago from when I saw this. I don't know what to say. This was good. I'm glad you put this up.

brutha'...wow. i found your channel last week because im a terrible drummer, but i love it. i binge watched many of your videos, and laughed, admired, and enjoyed them all. today i found this. my beloved baby sister took her life 10 years ago. the pain is as strong today as the day it happened.i saw her days before she did it,..i felt i had failed, and missed any sighns of her plans..your words are comforting, profound, sensible,..reason in an ureasonable situation,..thank you,..i believe you have helped many people like myself, try to make sense of a most something we cant by ourselves......you are the mostest awesomest dude,...rock on brutha'. thank you.

I'm regretting not finding this channel sooner. Harry, you managed to encapsulate so many disparate and terrifying feelings in a beautiful four-minute tribute to someone you've lost and recollections of your own struggle as well. I've stood and looked over ledges, wondering just what a freefall could do to end my pain. I've chugged pills, yanked belts around my neck and tried starving myself to death almost a dozen times in total. Sometimes, if I'm near a busy enough street or alone and aimless for a week or so on end, my self-preservation takes a backseat and I'm still driven by bubbling urges, acrid and ingrained in my psyche, to just do it- no one will notice, and if they do, who's really going to care. Even the loss of a friend and former bandmate who'd gone missing for a week, leaving behind a wife and young child as his former body lay in the woods, didn't deter me completely. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I was caught twice and the other attempts, I chickened out. Self-preservation did a hard reboot right before the point of no return. Stories like this are important- like you said, stigmas around mental health will either label suicidal people as either rash or incapable of thinking through consequences, and often times that's just not the case. It's a battle that never quite ends, and isn't really won until long after it begins. This message is just what I needed today and, although the likelihood is quite low, someday I'd like to meet you. You're a genuine person who doesn't beat around the bush, you're a fellow crazy drummer and you've got a story to tell. Thank you.

My eyes teared up. You have a really amazing perspective, and I'm very glad you survived.

Thanks for clearly communicating on this topic. I appreciate your sincerity and openness. ✌🏼

This might be the best youtube video i've ever seen, thanks a lot for this. Keep it up i love your channel

Its like you're too smart for your own good man. Even the way you speak its like your head is moving at internet speed and going through all these permutations so quickly its like you are in system overload mode. Obviously dont know you personally and Im glad you are still alive and with us because if not I wouldn't have been so inspired by your art and drumming genius beautifully illustrated in these videos. Keep that head up Harry

I have a massive amount of respect and admiration for you as a musician and a person.

Thank you for this . This alleviates the guilt i feel over my sister's suicide somewhat

I have been watching your clips only for a couple of days now. I'm thinking about drumming as a retirement hobby...then this. However, your own bravery and the beauty of your words (selfishly) brought some joy to me because it helps lay to rest some of the feelings that you describe so eloquently. Thank you. Dude!

Thank you for sharing this. I too am a drummer, and also have struggled with this back and forth of wanting out and self blame for feeling that way. I'm happy we stayed. Subbing.

All I can say is Wow!! As a person who has been in this very dark space and time very recently, I couldnt have said it any better.. Bravo

I've already watched this five times in the past two days. I wake up, watch it. I smoke, watched it, about to roll over and sleep ?, Watched it first. Love this guy

Dang dude. I hate you got so low, but am glad you're still here. You make people happy and have a great mind. Best regards

Wow dude thats the most realness i heard in a while. Power to you.

Just Wow. thanks for sharing your story in such an accessible way. They should be showing this in schools.

Love ya man. Great to have your life force around. You're truly unique individual.

It’s been the third time I’ve seen this video and man do I respect the fact that you made this video and put it online for other to view and find. Sorry about the loss dude. I hope you are doing good. You are a good dude.

Much love brother. You are a beautiful soul. Stay strong.

Thank you Harry, Alot of people will say similar things but seriously... THANK YOU. (especially from my mother)

I'm new to your vids (like, literally today), and new to your drumming. I find your drumming to be interesting and inspiring, and your sense of humor refreshing. I've been drumming since I was 3...and am also a suicide survivor. Were it not for the love of a very dear friend, I would not be here today. Thank you for an honest and very real commentary on what that was like for you... Keep up the good work, man. I know I'll be watching.

I have no words. I'm happy you're here, and I look forward to your future videos. I am a pretty recent subscriber, but I've already learned so much. Thanks for all the videos, and I'm glad to see you keep on drumming

You are pure inspiration and sir. I play guitar....but I've learned so many things here and will always watch.

Only seeing this now. I attempted twice, both times I failed. And now, I look back and I'm ultimately happy it didn't work out. Seeing how emotional you got made me feel that same emotion you did. I just discovered you recently but you're already one of my favorite people. Keep being you, whether it's a video a week or a video a year; you're awesome.

So many people have told me how grateful they are to see your powerful video, Harry and how much they have shared it & how counselors & church leaders are showing it to their youth groups, etc. Your message is being heard! And Keenon's legacy is living on... Thank you again my seemingly surrogate son & amazing cousin. We both talked about what we both believe is the real issue of suicide, so to that end I feel it necessary to convey the following message that I know you passionately agree with as well: DEPRESSION CAN BE FATAL: Unfortunately one of the primary symptoms of depression is the inability to think rationally, which can sadly lead to unthinkably inappropriate, tragic decisions. Because depression is a disease. DISEASE. An invasive, insidious, misunderstood, shamefully stigmatized, ignorantly ignored ILLNESS! A disease which can & often does, render people's minds CRIPPLED enough to the points that their bodies may act like they've literally became LAME. An illness with enough vicious power to so thoroughly infect a person's brain, that it can eventually lead to them taking their own lives out of sheer desperation & KILL THEM - just as helplessly & rampantly as any undetected cancer. CANCER. Depression Fact & Help Info: depression-faq.org National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone: 800-273-8255

Wow man, much respect for you tremendous honesty and courage! That hit me right in the feels!

Wasnt expecting this,glad you are doing well now! Keep rockin man,you are legend!

This video was immediately what I thought of after hearing the news of Chester Bennington's suicide... I'm so glad that you survived and have come out stronger, Harry, and I really hope that this video has helped, and will help, many to make the decision to keep going, with or without help.

Deeply thank you for posting the video. I was only 7 when my best friend and I prepared things to attempt so. Now I am a mother of three, really have to be aware that children can feel desperate too.