LIVE: Dr. Cloud Discusses Gaslighting 

“Narcissists will destroy your life, erode your self-esteem, and do it with such stealth as to make you feel that you are the one that's letting them down.”

I’m a42 year old black man who was very codependent on my narcissistic mother who up until 2020 gaslight me my entire life. Now I do t give second chances to anyone who gaslight me. I doubted myself and had no self worth my entire life because I trusted her reality more then my own

Keep a journal..weather it's your doctor, husband,whomever..Keep all documentation, documents...It's your protection..

I first noticed something was wrong in 2008 when I got a dictaphone because I always felt so confused. I had no idea at the time what gas lighting was. It wasn't until years later I went to Google and typed "why do I feel like I'm going crazy after talking to my spouse." After 23 years of this I finally started therapy by myself and am focusing on my relationship with Christ.

Oh my goodness. You hit the nail on the head. I’ve been feeling like I was wrong, too fragile, consistently apologetic, for 28 years. I’m wondering if some people that gaslight don’t realize they do it. They don’t know they’re manipulating. I feel reduced and worn down but I’m ready for a change.

The worst gaslighter in my life,, was my Pastor. As a brand new Christian. He did it to both myself and husband. Looking back now, as a mature Christian, I see that it was all about control. He’s gone. ,,, our new Pastor is a real man of God,, a real person full If compassion and love. The whole congregation reflects this. Many of us prayed for YEARS, asking God to send us a Pastor,, it took 35 years,, but what a blessing.

Your explanation was like you were reading my story. I went from pretty healthy & self confident to nearly losing my self completely in a 10 year marriage . Little by little I’m recovering me again and your message was great encouragement.

The worst fight I ever got into was when I confronted the Gaslighter with the written facts. He exploded with profanity. There was Never an apology about “Oh! I didn’t realize…” That was many years ago, and I was naïve enough to think he really wasn’t aware of the true circumstances. I so appreciate your videos. While I read your book “Boundaries” many years ago, I am only now finding your videos, and they are incredibly helpful!

#1- dont let yourself get isolated

A counselor/therapist/church member can *unwittingly* gaslight you, invalidate, minimize or deny your experience, by *not believing you* when you try to describe more covert forms of abuse by your spouse. The person/people you trusted to *help* you can cause untold psychological and spiritual damage. So it's often not gaslighting in the sense that they want to *control* you - it's out of ignorance and lack of training regarding more "subtle" domestic abuse. It's so hard to heal from that.

The ironic part is I was blamed for gas lighting so frequently that it didn't occur to me that it was the other way around. It really does diminish you, but I have been receiving amazing healing over the past year and a half. I'm especially learning the value and legitimacy of my own emotions. Thank you Dr. Cloud, this was extremely well presented.

I'm an empath. I was in a 4 year relationship with a covert narcissist. When I entered that relationship I didn't really know what a narcissist was. I learned a lot.

The hardest thing is when you are "dependent" financially on a gas lighter. Go to a community, get your head out of it, because it can destroy your mind. Go get a hobby, get a job, and immediately aim for a little space, get some books that do not victimize you, and encourage you to give in to your fear and escape. Our battle is not against flesh and blood. Precious hurting people, find your voice, protect your mind, and aim the arrows at- NOT the sad self-centered destructive human, but at the fear within that is NOT STANDING UP WITH A "NO!" This is hard, and you need strategic unique wisdom to create a little gentle distance. You ARE strong, you are not a trash recpticle!! YOU are a TEMPLE of hopefully something GREATER than FEAR!!! You got this!!!!!! God loves you!!!

My covert narcissistic mother is so toxic she gaslit me all my life and ex-husband did that for 28 years . Ex husband is also narcissistic as well . He’s a Christian & very involved in the church & very toxic to me . Thank you Dr . Cloud , you are helping me with all your videos , you are a blessing !

After 53 years of marriage and my parents the same, I just am thankful I am sane. After the death of my husband I finally have been able to get some healing to a life that has and continues to be gaslighted. This was an excellent talk.

I definitely appreciate God allowing permanent divorce!!

Omg. I wasn’t crazy, I’m not crazy. Thank you for this explanation.

This is my favorite video on gaslighting. Your counsel is so helpful and balanced. You also helped me understand why I like feedback, debate or discussion, and constructive criticism so much as an adult survivor of childhood trauma and abuse!

You're medicine to the soul! I don't even want to think about all of the ways God has saved my life and sanity through your teaching! Thank you Dr. Cloud for all you do! You're on my permanent prayer list 💙

My husband is my problem, and I see some of these characteristics in him, scary. Its crazy because I am a newlywed, and it flipped where its hard to be intimate with him because I already just see a man that hurts me emotionally. It's crazy because we are both Christian's, how is this happening? Thank God, I have a third party person (2) to be exact. I tried to get therapy through my church and he freaked so much I had to cancel it. Right now these videos are helping me to stay strong, and we will see how God is going to see us through this. I'm sure God is watching, and cares.

My teenage daughter used to record her conversations with her narcissistic father and she used to play them to herself over and over and in the end she decided to come and live full time with me and never see her father again. Because those recordings really spoke to her and were like living proof of his lies, gaslighting, threats etc. The judge (we live in France) had just issued a court order saying her father is not to ever contact her again on the grounds of severe psychological abuse. Those recordings on her phone were literally her life saver.

Wow., You soo correct. I continually made excuses for myEX-- To my Daughter.. She asked me what’s wrong with her dad for over 16 years! I’m now going through DIVORCE from my marriage partner of 36 years! He’s done this to our adult Daughter., who he used/ and still using in a TRIANGULATION! I ensured that our Daughter developed a Spiritual relationship with God, He’s an Aethesist and Mentally ill.. I been used by his Flying monkeys as well! I’m heartbroken. I know Gods with me!

23 years into marriage. Don't want to lose the marriage but so tired of this dynamic.

I felt like I was going crazy since childhood like I was ultimately something very wrong with me and now in my late thirties I found out there’s different forms of narcissistic abuse and describes both of my parents I felt like I finally solved a very complicated math problem they matched so many behaviors it was astounding and then I had to choose to consciously forgive them and now I’m trying to learn to set up boundaries to guard my heart because I sought The Lord and He Completely Healed my heart in a instant and I want to stay healed so The Lord Is Leading me in how to guard my heart yet at the same time to honor them I had to accept even if they never choose to change that’s none of my business but I have to keep my heart clean Before God because at the end of the day and in Eternity that is all that will matter

A family member gaslighted me and my grandson so badly that my grandson had to have EMDR therapy & multiple counseling sessions. This started in 2019 and continued into 2023 . The worst thing is subjecting a child to this - we had nowhere to turn as the narc made sure we were isolated. Narcs believe their own lies & are wickedly deceptive.

Thank you for explicitly explaining gaslighting. Much appreciated.

Sometimes,,, like in the past two years,, my social circle, ( or even those I do not socialize with) has become SO THICK WITH NARCISSISTS and gaslighting,,,, I finally just withdrew from life. I just gave up. Beat down to a pulp. But during this time,,,, like a tiny seed planted,, a stronger me is pushing through the dirt on top of me. Videos like this,,, are a shining sun on my wounds. So I really really thank you. ❤❤❤❤,

Yes i have given up on therapists here. As narc husband is a renowned surgeon here. Who would believe me?! God knows what to do. I am at peace now

instincts.....yep. he always denied mine. im free after 37 years.

My exhusband did this and I thought I was losing my mind!!

Pay attention to what you think and feel when dealing with a gaslighter. As one sign of gaslighting, is when they try to feed you with doubt about your own self-worth. 💙RU-vidr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

I have been experiencing áll of the above for 40 years. The pain is beyond words. To expressz the pain.The fear it generates is beyond words, it is the ultimately of abuse.

My parents often told me I didn’t hear them correctly. They would say I misunderstood. One year I brought my children to their home to visit. All day my mother said things with my children around. When she told me later I didn’t hear her right my children relayed the conversations perfectly. It was and amazing gift.

Thank you for explaining this so clearly! I have felt so unsteady about what happened to me, but this gives a foundation that I can steady myself on.

Excellent explanation Dr Cloud. I’m jist stunned that in mid life, I’m finally getting enough non agenda-laden, non invalidating feedback to ascertain that I have been profoundly gaslit all my life - it’s quite a shock to discover that inner exasperation and rage, was actually just the truth trying not to suffocate. That afterall I am not ‘too sensitive’ at all!! Gaslighting was the abusers way of dismantling my resistance to their abuse. You don’t need to be submissive, you just need people to make you doubt your feelings and perspective, then you’ve lost all power and agency.

I wish I'd known this years ago so I could have helped my son whose wife tormented this way. I remember him saying to me, "I feel like I'm going crazy". He passed away at a young age, so once her scapegoat was gone, their daughter became the next scapegoat.

Great info! I have experienced gaslighting during my upbringing, lots of invalidation and sadly repeated the pattern by marrying a gaslighting, abusive, manipulative womanizing alcoholic... and plus.. I have encountered more narcissists in the work place and have experienced more .. it seems like it is beyond this realm.. maybe spiritual... all I know is it tears you down and the only way to rise above in some of these horrendous situations is to get closer to God and His Word. Thanks for your video and may God richly bless you and yours!

I AM ONLY ALIVE AND SANE BECAUSE OF JESUS! Praise God!!! That's what happened to me and I've been diagnosed with PTSD BUT GOD🙌🙌🙌

Love the rainstorm example... It really helps to expect to get certain attitudes from the narcissist... makes you stop feeling as crazy.

Gaslighting is so disgusting. Setting boundaries have helped me. I've expereienced that other people's insights may be very limited but your own instincts are valuable. Don't push them away but it's not wrong to talk to other people about them but if they aren't the right person to talk to don't push them away. Doubting yourself when you shouldn't is a trap. I have done this so much I am sick of it but there seem to be some lure to go back to that destructive person anyway which has been encouraged by other people. In that sense it doesn't help to talk to some people because when they come with their dogmatic views on what you should do. That is sickening and can very well be the case if that toxic person you have set up boundaries around have deceived other people that you know and they go after you because they are in that persons camp and defend their toxicity but also because they haven't seen the toxic side due to them being a cameleon changing color and lying and because they may be glorifying that person for some reason like vain socioeconomic status. Really sickening.

How the narcissist responds (defensively) tells the reality of the situation. 🥺and this validates the victim's concern.

I had never heard the definition of this clearly explained. Thank you!

Now it’s coming back to me, he changed his story two or three times so I felt uneasy

Thank you Dr Cloud for this very informative explanation of gaslighting. I wish that all the therapists that I had sought for help weren’t so incompetent as they were also easily manipulated by my husband as well. This made things worse and I felt very isolated. I was very depressed and lonely bec I didn’t know who to trust. any more. I felt very isolated.

Examples of gaslighting They may say things such as, “Are you sure about that? You have a bad memory,” or “I think you are forgetting what really happened.” Withholding: This involves someone pretending they do not understand the conversation, or refusing to listen, to make a person doubt themselves.

Oh my god this is the best explanation about gaslighting, because you put light on the feelings of the person that is gaslighted

Thank you Dr. Cloud, and forwarded to a friend whose daughter is currently being influenced by a person who is snuffing out her ability to see the truth clearly; fiancé has narcissistic personality disorder that’s evident to everyone else but herself.

I rarely felt safe with my X as he chronically lied to me and it caused anxiety

My daughter in law did this “ever so sweetly” with my son n she has the smirk too!

They hate boundaries

Thank you very much for this! I realise that much more of this goes on between spouses than I thought. I've been thinking a lot recently about how one spouse would always justify the wrongdoing of the other, and now I understand what's the root of it.

He was so calm and covert!

God truly hears your prayers. I am so thankful God Himself provided true evaluation & a reality check against abuse, protecting me. Amid long term family dysfunction, I prayed & read a daily Bible devotion. Astonishingly, it spoke of a woman bullied by people who saw her through a distorted lens, & how she ignored it & remained strong in knowing herself!!!

As I continue listening to the definition of gaslighting and tactics used, it's the last 2.5 years of my life. What a relief to listen and make sense of things.

Have a Relationship with Jesus Christ..He tells you the Truth and what to do

Dr. Cloud, you explained gaslighting better than any other one on RU-vid! Hence, I had an “aha” moment! Thank you so much!

Thanks for another great session. One thing that confuses me about gaslighting is this. After living with a narcissist for 30 plus years and knowing now his lack of intelligence, how do they all resort to the same tactics especially gaslighting?

My wife has been doing this to myself and the children for years!. I Finally started to recognize it and stand up to it. Two nights ago. I called her out on it. She completely denied what she said and did - in front of the other children. When I stood firm, she decided to use another tactic by saying, I don't like that you're saying that because basically you're calling me a liar by saying that I did or did not say such and such. I confused her by saying, well, you're actually calling me a liar by saying that what I'm saying is not true about what you said and did. LOL This, and other things, has been going on for years. I am a Christian and have mixed emotions about staying in the relationship or leaving. We still have four children at home and they're counting down the days till they're 18 and can leave the house - because of her behavior - just like my three older children have done already. When you go to a Pastor or Christian counseling they do what they can to try to get you to stay in the relationship because "God is against divorce unless for immorality / adultery". Do you know of anyone that can help?

Hi Dr. Cloud! Thank you for all your good advice!

Several months ago I ended a relationship with someone who would gaslight me. I had never been in a relationship before that had this component, so until that relationship I didn’t know what the word meant!

I felt like I was going crazy while he tried to deny his pornography addiction and said I was going crazy and paranoid

Dr. Cloud, It seems as though you were in our house, listening! I appreciate your wisdom!

This is the best explanation about gaslighting I have heard. Thank you!!!

When I listen to this, I get the feeling that I'm a gaslighter. I have told my husband many times, "that's not true" "that's not what I said" and I've defended myself when he has said I've hurt him. The other side of the coin is that he's an alcoholic and somewhere in the narcissist range. He is hurt because he thinks I've said something I haven't, or meant something I haven't. He blames me a lot. And when I explain what I actually said or meant, he's still mad. In Al-anon I learned that I don't have to take responsibility for that which is not mine. I'm a confused about what the right thing to do is. What is a healthy balance between me not taking responsibility for his misunderstanding and me being curious about how I hurt him and apologizing? Especially because I feel like the latter is abusive with him.

Dr's and therapists have knowledge about me and the power to ruin my life

Thank you!! I knew what he was doing was wrong and the further I get away from it I start to feel like I was wrong. Thank you for reminding me why I no longer have that person in my life!!!

“Normalize this” aka accept the narcissist for who they are and don’t be surprised when they behave like a narcissist. That doesn’t mean you accept their mistreatment of you. It means you employ appropriate boundaries when relating to them in order to maintain your health.

“Gaslighting talks you out of yourself “. Wow! So true!!! Thank you so much for this excellent insight!!

Wow what a way disempower anyone trying to lift you up.

I miss you Dr cloud. :)

This is my current work situation. I am thankful in two months I am getting away from it

I like your flowers in the room

Very well explained thank you

Thank you for this explaination and examples.

Good morning Dr. from California, thank you so much for your channel & for this community 😢❤on my healing path ❤️‍🩹 now from the Narcissist who fooled me for 7 years.

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt me!!!! 💔

Thank you Dr Cloud for educating me on this. There have been so many times in the past that I wish I had this information. You're a great teacher! ❤

Thank you kindly 🙏🏻😍

Great video! Thank you, Dr. Cloud!

Thank you Dr Cloud. This helps me a lot.

Thank you thank you thank you! It’s been a while since I’ve been through this, and since you recorded this, it was very very very helpful. Thank you again.

This information is soo helpful to understand these tactics and behaviors. Thank you Dr. Cloud

My mother always said I am making things up in my head...

Thank you! Thank you!

Love the practical and intuitive explanations. Wow thank you Dr Cloud

Fantastic video, thank you so much. This is very helpful. 🙏🏻👏👏👏

Wow! Youve got this down well... thank you.

Excellent explanation of gaslighting..The absolute best that I have ever heard..Thank you ❤

I was raised in a household with a narcissistic parent who gaslighted me ALL the time. Even up to five years ago when I left and went no contact. I was asked one time what I remember of my father who had died and then the gaslighting started. I just replied with "These are my memories not yours because you weren't there."

Not sure if this has been mentioned or not, but the covert narcissist will also highlight their faults every once in awhile. That's one of the things that caused confusion. However, my observation was that it was done to gain attention and reassurance from the person they're manipulating. Yes... just another sick way to manipulate.

Excellent teachng.

Idk if You Dr. CLOUD ❤ could believe what the GROUP TARGET it wasn't just one EVER😭 God bless me God bless me God bless me

I STILL HAVENT HAD VALIDATION.. AND NOW MY FAMILY IS DOING IT!!!! Oh my God!!!! I TRUST NO ONE

💜u broke this down to profection

You have the same exact voice as Mr Rogers! Double Great stuff!!! Thanks

The best thing about recording an interaction with a gaslighter(s) im my case it was my parents n my 2 siblings,is that perhaps not just in one conversation as everyone can have a bad day ( depending of course on how egregious it was) but a very clear n unmistakable pattern does develop. The good news is you're not crazy the bad news is that you are being emotionally and psychologically abused and while some people don't feel they have the financial or emotional means to leave ( be it a romantic relationship or family relationship) those of us who do or even if we dont find it preferable m almost necessary for our sanity n not to lower ourselves to their level ( lets face it everyone has their breaking point) there is no turning back. Understandably these types of situations create self doubt but some people dont have as much doubt as they may suggest to others or themselves they simply aren't prepared to leave. It is difficult to do in many ways and change kf course is always hard. False hope that the person will change by reading a book or going to therapy or eventually youre going to speak your peace in such a way when they are somehow now more receptive and all the stars are aligned is simply that...False Hope but its so strong at times. Im so glad je mentioned that even people we like and trust to keep our confidences are not necessarily without agenda n biases even therapists sad to say as this is supposed to be part of their training. I think sometimes they feel they are helping to push us towards a certain decision but all they should be doing is helping us to gain better perspective on reality. Some of these things are done by many people. I mean who likes to be wrong or called out for their words or behavior so its hard to know when it croses into gaslighting but i think his summart at the end is best. It always goes in one direction. What are the chances unless youre is a real lunatic in which case they should want nothing to do with you, that you're always wrong. You're always perceiving it wrong, your alwasy oversensitive, you're always making a mountain out of a molehill etc. friends of course are important for so many reasons but here is a perfect way that having friends can help. If you have long time friends who value n appreciate you n dont accuse you or misunderstanding, exaggerating,making mountains out of molehills, being oversensitive wouldnt it be weird that this other person always thinks you do? I don't mean an aquatintance as they are usually not intimate enough to truly know us n our reactions. And if people know you and are good friends with you for 10,20 even 25 years you can pretty much believe if you were a total headcase they woukd not have continued the friendship. People will stsy far longer in romantic relationship that are not healthy then they ever will in friendships especially if theynhabe a romantic relationship,kids other friends n even family. So you're not as crazy as anyone can suggest.

Oh my God, O my God Jesussss!!

Absolutely beautiful Henry! Asante sana!

When the relationship with a dysfunctional person (narcissist) is a family member like a mom makes it more difficult to navigate because you can’t just end the relationship, but deal with it.

That was definitely my ex wife & that's why I'm no longer married Thank God, & probably never will be again as I'm too old for relationship bs & it's all bs !!!