Loneliness and Our Craving for Community 

Nice ad for your community

The School of Life once you learn you’re judged no matter what and if you especially have friends who have underachieved who will hate your guts come the age of 30 and many times before then, learning to go at life alone saves you so many hassles and mental anguish. Only stick with those who seek to inspire and talk about ideas, not people or sports or other typical negativity

@@SFbayArea94121 sounds like the voice of experience , but also a wonderful life lesson , onwards and upwards 👍

Ruth Laffit

no those ants freak me out

yes

It makes you a better more helpful person IE not an introvert. Im not blaming, its average now, but its not normal or healthy to duck people and pass it off as a positive inherent character trait. How many 4 year old have you seen behave in introverted ways? Its a learned survival technique to varying degrees.

Irene Lee I still cry randomly because of what I’ve missed without being in that group

Yeah. It feels like something you didn't know you wanted.

@@MrLoobu MrLoobu MrLoobu Actually that is inherent because I was still introverted when I was 2. Being an introvert is not a consequence after some traumatic mental breakdown. It's not like a habit you develop. Not everyone enjoys every social interaction all the time. Not everyone spends same amount of energy when socializing. You should know that it IS a natural character trait you're born with.

Yup

this line got me, i love this line so so much, SOL sometimes drops pretty cool lines that somewhere deep in my heart would stay forever

What our ancestors had was they kept their ability to immediately remove a bad leader. Today community has grown so big that there are literally hundreds of layers of bureaucratic red tape, permits, impact studies and palms to grease that it is almost impossible to do so.

@@wren_.Why longhouses? Interesting thought, but I’m just curious as to why you would want that, specifically. Seems to me that there would be very little (if any) moments of complete privacy in a longhouse...

@@jarjthejargj6099 i literally have no idea

its normal, no man is an island. I have an uncle who stays on his own and it is not a good place to be. he doesnt bath or make any effort to better himself. Very sad

what about the monks? It certainly is possible to thrive.

Same here. I just don't know what to do or how to even get friends. Those 'friends' or whoever who I socialize with, annoy me easily... This one guy knows he is teasing me, but I don't think it's funny and just get annoyed and then I am less likely to start the conversation again. It's just such a hassle and often feels like a waste of time unless I am having really fun, which I haven't in quite some time... Maybe It'll get better when I get a job(uni atm) and don't have to be pressured by that... Time outside of work can be free time, not 'study as much as your lazy ass is able to'...

TricksnTraps Seems sad to you but maybe he is happy as he is?

Siwi Dhawadi, MD to be We all speak for ourselves. Nothing wrong with that though.

You must not look like someone people would like to take advantage of

I think it is good to have casual conversations with strangers. but you have to be protective when you meet a stranger.

Wewereneveryoung Looks like Rambo?

I will be your first online basher lol. Jk

I'll try

Jh5578 Divide and conquer the herd.

In the US and many countries in the western world this is a problem, but go to certain countries in South America or Asia and you’ll find plenty of areas that flourish because of strong family units and community. I’m all for individualism, but at the same time there has to be a healthy balance between solitude and communal connection.

Jinsi K Did I say the problem was exclusive to ALL of the West? Did I say ALL of Asia or ALL of South America are perfect utopias? Where in my comment did I generalize? Maybe read my comment again before chiming in with an essay of nonsense and passing judgement when you don’t even know who I am. No, I said keyword: CERTAIN countries and cultures in those regions have a strong sense of community. I’m Colombian American, I’m dating a Bolivian, a majority of my friends are Salvadorian, Vietnamese, and Thai. All of our countries have issues, and yes there are unhappy people no matter where you go, but we all come from cultures that embrace the concepts of large family units and community. I speak from experience from both myself and the people I grew up with. How the fuck am I being racist? I don’t even think you know what that word even means. It’s true that many parts of the US lack a sense of community, especially in the more urban, middle class areas where rates of depression and suicide are higher, this applies just as much to certain areas in Asia and South America as well, no doubt... But, I was just making a point about how we can learn from other cultures and their ways of life, especially from those that aren’t attributed to the hustle and bustle of modern life. You bring up places like Tokyo, but then you ignore the fact that a lot of those social issues have little to no real effect on places like Okinawa which thrive off tight knit communities. If being more interested in and complimenting other cultures and their ways of life is somehow “racist and nationalistic” then I must be in the KKK. PS: You are the very reason why people are divided and isolated. Where the internet should be a tool to bring us together to discuss ideas, you’re one of the people who use it to be condescending to others. You choose to be vile and angry over a comment you obviously misinterpreted, making generalizations about who I am as a person, instead of just trying to understand where I’m coming from. Hope you take a chill pill and have a good rest of your day/night.

No, they aren't. In fact, there are so many connections and communities it's hard to find where you want to be. The sad fact is that because there are so many, you can't find the one that suits you.

Ari Jappendi I know, read my previous comment. TL;DR version; I never said all of Asia is perfect. I agree, Westernization plays a huge factor into it.

That kinda hit me hard...geez

It's really sad.. it gets me thinking about the meaning of life, what makes each of us special etc. sometimes.. it's a great way to become depressed

This reminds me of a quote from joker

Its kind of true actually, for the rest of the world we dont exist.

That's true

Amen

You have to do what you love then collaborate on that basis and respect yourself enough to not take disrespect from others

I have never felt as much belonging and ease as I did during my multiple inpatient stays at a psych hospital. So much so that I felt that everyone should have that experience - to be in a community of people who don’t judge you harshly, who are willing to support you and who understands you enough to not expect an explanation or for you to put on an ‘appropriate’ mask.

We need to build long houses like the Iroquois nation did

@@anubratasaha4367 Humans are social animals.

Thanks for sharing this.

so true once you live alone for a couple of years and realize how good it feels you can never come back .

Incredibly true.

Because introversion is, of course, a plague. Sure.

Right 👌

Lovely quote

Yes, this is it!

Yeah, but it's not only about survival for the lone wolf

Great show, great quote

Me too. It feels so good to know that someone feels the same way too 🥲

reminds me of shawsank movie

I can totally relate to this, I felt so connected in rehab. Thankfully Ive managed to stay clean for 2 years but it is a lot lonelier in the real world!

This video also made me look back to a few times in life I've found myself in something resembling the hypothetical commune, and remembering how good that felt. Mine were things like more self-help retreats, but perhaps even things like being in the army, with a 'band of brothers' or being in prison might also inadvertently create the kind of community we are all pre-disposed to need. It would explain why lots of ex-army struggle so badly to adjust to civvy life, or why so many people repeatedly go back to prison.

@@Corgi_fax wowwww...what a response/reply! You have quit a skillset, in the way you articulated the words of a heart, intertwined with a pety egoic mind!

@@blackribbon4576 I thought the same thing! Total Shawshank moment!

@@sophia_tamar I'm sad to, I went home last year for a visit. Only a few of my family are left there and the place has changed so much, and not for the better, that it left me empty. I live on the other side of the country now and am busy being a grandmother to a new generation. All my grandchildern are always happy to come to my place and play around the old tractor and go to the beach. I'm trying hard to make new memories for the next generation.

Nostalgia gets us every time 🥺

Very sad. Is like I see that seen you are telling. 😓

people are mostly self centre and cannot care for others. people don't call each other anymore even it is free nowadays.

hello from Germany

Well this a hundred times.

@@johnwalters5410 What do you mean?

Zetta Anderson It means I highly agree.

@Marianne I am like this. People like me are extremely friendly (to some people needy) because we crave community a lot. I have come to realize that success and fame doesnt really matter. What you bought come and go, the satisfaction of success is temporary but satisfaction from a sense of community is permanent.

Same lol

Same, it's eerie but great

Lol them algorithms can read minds now

Exactly!!

some zeitgeist shenanigans at fucking work.

Very true

Nothing is happiness all the time :)

Fax

Of course, there's good and bad with virtually everything.

Our world is much more connected now, we could have the small little pockets while also having freedom to move around between them.

You must love and care for yourself first . That is the hardest task... for some of us. If we don't love and care about ourselves we can't expect others to. I cared enough about you to respond. Cheers from Australia.

You’ve got to love yourself so that other people will love you

Love people will show or give you is temporary......the love you will give yourself is permanent.....your comment really broke my heart...I hope you feel better Viktor..... always remember we all are lonely together in this world

❤ the universe loves you

How old are you know? And do you think there is any hope for you?

Well said.

Beautifully written. I finally live in a unit on my own and it is my safe haven. But I wish I had a lovely group of people I could also feel safe with.

Different situations apply as one grows older in the journey of life.

Are you me? I feel like I would write the exact same thing if I had the will or energy..

you sound like my kind of people

Not really though, all it does is make us wallow in our misery and be even more lonely. Lots of anonymous users without any smiling faces.

No

@@sebastianelytron8450 like facebook with strangers It's fun but might become an addiction

Hello dropping in with some 🌯☕🥐

its just a waste of time

Hmhm lol

Alain de botton is the second coming of Jesus

That can always change if u want. If u are happy then keep doing u. But that's the good thi g about life is that u can make baby steps to anything

@Ari Jappendi you sound angry. Hurt lies beneath anger. I hope you find resolution someday soon.

@Ari Jappendi Thanks for such a comprehensive reply. If this is your journey I wish you well. Despite much early trauma in my life, I have been happily married for 31 years. So I believe it is possible and achievable. Blessings to you.

Are there any doctorial theses on the social demigod (I know there isn't really a god there.); its ability to influence behavior, and spread fears and prejudice. I can see it because I have had a lot of anthropology, but I rarely find people that can wrap their brains around it. The social demigod also teaches denial. (to protect itself) One example is the myth that prejudice is caused by individual fears. No that is the blank slate, not the cause.

Take it easy. There are more important things. No community is better than a sick community. Just ask Jonestown.

Same I am stuck in it but then the place I live sucks and is very boring.

Everything is about balance 🙏🏻

Same here, infact since i started this new job (been there for over a year now) its only made me feel more lonely.

guess u meant closest ..;))

Aaron Davison Same here!! I lived in a sort of community for 2 weeks or so, it was beyond awesome

it makes it easier when you dont have to deal with the same bunch of people for more than couple of weeks,, you only see their nicer sides and having fun together since everyone is on the road.

@@norbertmezei haha i did indeed!

I need to travel to more

I think the main barrier for simply setting up groups like that is that most people take work and effort to get to know. In a tribe of 50 people in the jungle, there's no choice - you have to work together to survive. Some of the other people you don't like very much in the beginning, but after being forced to work with them for some time, you might start to realise their good sides. In a modern city, there's always the option of just disappearing back into anonymity. And that's always easier than putting in the effort to know people.

Ah, me in a discord server that I've been in for like a couple of years

Yes, if one is going to be isolated, best to make it solitude rather than divergence within a group that is otherwise cohesive. Nothing worse than being the outlier when everyone else is clearly feeling togetherness. But sometimes we really must leave a group we're a part of to find one where we fit. The pain is hopefully enough motivation to do the frightening, challenging work of doing so.

Alexandra Winner try Cohousing. It works

Too many religious beliefs, sexual identities, racial diversity and the need to be special and unique has divided the people of the world especially in the US.

capitalism :)

capitalism :)

​​​​@@loope9421I think people in diverse settings less willing/more reluctant to make an effort to understand different cultures, races, classes, genders, languages and educate themselves is an issue (not diversity itself of course). More recently, I often noticed when there's conflict its usually involving individuals who are from different races and backgrounds to one another. I'd like to think its communication breakdown and misunderstand of one another. I could be wrong but its something interesting seeing and something worth noting and it raises questions around the impact diversity has on a part of the world

I've liked the thought of them for a long time too. I'm really hoping that in time they become much more common & less stigmatised. Perhaps eventually they will be more how all of us live?

Let’s create one! :)

Cool

Oftentimes, people who say this are fundamentally different from those around them. Being around such people gives one a feeling of being alien or flawed. When they say that they are better off alone, they mean that their physical solitude is less painful than there social loneliness.

Mariana Good point!

Beautifully said! I'll take that hug! 💗

@@divinetrouble66 So true. Perhaps our non-social, separated world is also set up so that people can fall out and be assholes to each other with little consequence, which in turn drives a lot of people to (understandably) push others away. I saw a programme recently where a British family went to live with an African tribe, and they noticed that being selfish or not contributing was simply not an option there. To survive in a tribal group, you HAVE to get on socially and be a decent human being. That seems another thing we've lost in modern life... you can be as much of a dick as you want and there's no one to answer to. You can survive, often you can even thrive... hell, you can even become the president of a country!

@@charitygoldart It doesn't even have to be that people are rude. I find that no one is interested in the same topics as me. People will quickly change the topic. it's not that they are trying to be rude or mean, it's just that they want the topic to reflect their interests. This makes me feel very lonely as I am not able to discuss my ideas with other people. In turn, it causes me to shut down and prefer to be on my own because I just don't relate to others. I know many kind, generous people who inadvertently leave me feeling isolated and flawed.

Community is not about being yourself. It's about pretending the act you're putting on is the real you.

Sadly society has accepted that staring at your phone is something quite normal, especially when you commute.. People should come up with different ideas to bring up people together..

😥

Just remember that you will die anyway and that there are countless ways for you to die, even without that virus. You might simply not even wake up the next day for example. This is also something what I struggle with at times (Going out despite all the risks nowadays, especially when you are unused to do new things just by yourself) but life is only going to get worse anyway. So... we all should make the best out of it while we still can, don't you think so? I wish you all the best. Be careful and mindful of the dangers of life yes, but don't forget to live your life while you still can.

@@Corgi_fax I actually wouldn't mind going out but it doesn't depend on me, there are government restrictions here, schools activities and cultural places are all closen and they're suggesting us avoiding public contacts as much as we can in order to contain the infections. I still have to do two exams but they delayed everything to uncertain dates

@@lazalantin5305 Of course, I think the same...this emergency shouldn't stop us from doing what we like and this state of psychosis isn't really healthy if we want to overcome the situation. But sadly it's also a matter of public safety, so there's not much we can do about it...if we want this crisis to have less impact on our economy and public services, which were already at stake (I live in Italy and really, we're facing many problems on that matter), we have to follow some strict instructions that are obviously going to interfere with our personal lives...it's a moral responsibility we have to take into consideration, otherwise things will only get worse. That being said, I went to the park yesterday and there were a lot of people passing time there, it was a lovely thing to see. Yeah, I can't stay home for too long! Thank you for your concern by the way, it will get better, eventually...

I agree im a big sci fi fan it is important to be able to express yourself honestly and connect with people who share the same interests as yourself.

That is so interesting you say that. I am a CNA at an assisted living home and this whole video I thought about how they are their own community. They do crafts and games together, watch movies and documentaries together, eat together. They have formed their own relationships with the other residents, it’s really beautiful to be apart of.

@@angelenergia2163 Worked for my father and mother as well. When my father died, they had been there for long enough that everybody knew them and commiserated with my mother. And my mother already had a network of people that cared about her.

yea, I understand.I have the same problem. fuck em, fuck society fuck humans.

@@Lemoncake7027 We never had it, its all an illusion and a false sense of being good, why do you think people have kids ? because they want someone to take care of them when they are old , which in itself is an extremely selfish act.

But that’s because of culture when they interfering lol They don’t know better.

And then, there are the rest of us who even lack parents, have friends who don't care, no brothers/sisters/ no relatives, asking for a community would be an impossible dream. Haha.. Although the values developed in India are supposed to be community centered, not everyone has them. Some have no one but themselves.

@@chandrarama1970 Wow , You do need Help !🤔

It is nice talking with strangers. Sometimes it is easier to open up to a stranger than it is to open up to someone who think that they know you and has expectations based on that previous knowledge. Some of the nicest conversations I have had was on a two hour flight. The idea that you probably will never see that person again makes it easy to speak from your heart.

if you see the irony there, and learn to love the irony, socializing becomes fun just because its absurd, so long as you can let go of the need for results and let loneliness produce the releace of your raw energy. the irony breads creativity, which can be funnelled into socializing. you need a push from your dark side and the dark humor all around. embrance the awk

@@jacob_massengale it just so happens that some ppl can quickly dismiss someone and the challenge is to not end up in silence

This is exactly how I feel lol. Like if a friendship or relationship evolves or progresses naturally, hey, who wouldn't be for that. But interacting with people for the sole purpose of interacting with them, not even coming about it naturally, isn't even worth it imo.

You haven't met the kid stalking my daughter who's bipolar and hurts animals.

@Mist Wraith I get what you mean, but all of us are 'damaged' to some extent. But I get that we write each other off too quickly over something insignificant, that should change.

@Mist Wraith Yeah like I said, we write each other off too quickly. One little thing that puts us off and we turn away. Trust me, I've been married to my polar opposite for 25 years, we don't agree on a lot of little things but we are how we are and we accept our differences because what we have together is more important than what we don't share.

Introvert gang represented

But what do you by yourself? Social media? Message boards? Online gaming? These are all signs you're actually craving community.

@@sebastianelytron8450 very good question.

Intros can also crave community

@@mikemyers5000 I think introverts have it really hard in life sometimes. They seek community however the community does not necessarily seek them. An introvert does not care for what they deem to be meaningless and surface level conversations. They want to make a deep connection with someone otherwise the interaction isn't worth their precious social energy.

I think as a child you are exposed to far more circumstances where you can make friends. Through school, leisure activities, in the neighborhood on the street, kids that are relatives in the family and so on. As an adult suddenly yiy have studies or work. Yes, you can meet friends in these places, but the older you get people are busier with their lives, partners, families, live further away etc. It takes more effort to meet people and make new friends while retaining the old friendships. What I've learned is to find out which people in your life are important to you. Doesn't mean everyone is the same, friends can fill out individual needs. Some you see once a year and others once a month. Then make time and effort to see them. Also evaluate which kind of people you want to surround yourself with and those you don't. As an adult and we get to know ourselves better this becomes way easier. In search of new friends I find going to events, meeting people with similar interests and go for coffee or invite them over for dinner. It could be people we already see regularly, like the hair dresser, neighbor, the person you always talk to at the café/library/gym/ walking the dog or again a work buddy. This means coming out of our shell, comfort zone, and seeing that people are indeed like yourself. Want to be seen, heard and loved.

Im black mixed race guy, im quite shut off, i dot mix with others much. I have bipolar so im often up and down. I work in a warehouse with small workforce about 20 of us. I have work colleagues who i do get on with a few of them i occasionally drink with, but im actually struggling with a binge drink problem which i havnt told them about. Im really trying to change and i want to meet someone and be in a relationship again. Im a nerd deep down and big sci fi fan, this i havnt told my work colleagues. Im not really close to me family much either, its my niece's birthday next saturday and tbh im not looking forward to it cause everyone's gonna be there i just feel like i dont want to face it.

We need a billionaire to embrace it 😂

Myti TV it really is, until you realize the only person you need if your self.

@@xCraftabIe you can enjoy yourself and still need other people to be better.

Alejandra Marquez Yeah maybe some people, but the only person I need is Jesus, he’s got me through thick and thin and all in between✊🏼✊🏼

Alejandra Marquez He’s got you as well as everybody on this Earth, look to connect with him like you look to connect with other people

Technology can provide for all of our basic needs except a community

I agree but at certain degree of self reliance, you will eventually need a community, unless you're already suicidal.

Pinoy keyboard warrior Why do you eventually need a community, I mean that sounds nice and all but is that is some rule book or somethin 😂

Pinoy keyboard warrior I should just kill myself if I don’t find a community🤣

@@xCraftabIe What i mean is, it is fundamentally impossible for human being not to need a community at some point.

Rainy x The Graduate

Sounds like somewhere I can fit in haha

Orgy group lol

Brains Applied Ikr I’m happy being alone

Yea it is For introverts like me

Or should I say... *Us*

Brains Applied It’s awesome!!!! Just stay focused your goals and don’t let any bastards get in my way.

@@xCraftabIe exactly!

So basically find your people…who think the same or have the same values and beliefs.

@@2202Winterful Yes. But also have a sense of self awareness that you don't get trapped in a tribalistic echo chamber.

Z L A G S T R A very true, i feel the same but i think is to the fact of the failure of the tradicional family structure dont you think?

Joseph Stiglitz Well, this is one of the consequences of industrialized capitalist society. 🙃

Joseph Stiglitz The family goes to the second plan, when it should be in the first.

Matheus Rodrigues maybe

The industrial revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race

Meetup.com helps but it's not enough

Its hard trying to meet someone and being in relationship, you can do everything right but it can be the other person who lets you down in some way.

@Raiken Xion so true !

Ya boi JJ sound very self-centered and entitled

Eve M Jeez why you have to come at my neck like that😂😂 You have a right to your opinion, but dang what’s with the saltiness. It’s a quote from a song that I relate to a lot! No need to be a Debbie downer my lady😘Hope you have a good rest of your day and please don’t give anyone else shit for no reason like you just did here😂

Yeah same. I'm happier enough this way.

same here, that’s why i don’t talk to many people in here any more

I think that's what he meant by "community"

I misjudged in the end there when I thought they were going to say community was the answer but it’s actually what you just described. A tribe.

Wildflower wind but even “someone” that cares for you, it’s really difficult to communicate your problems to them

Yes, for a long time I thought about fame a lot, and that that would be the answer to not only my creative outlet and ideas, but to show the world how great and smart I am. But then it hit me, that actually enjoying your life and being kind to yourself and others is so much more powerful. Because it makes an impact, and isn't that what we are here for? That's why I had to take a good look at myself and my career choices, choices of which people to surround myself with and choices to how I use my time, which is precious. I've been working with children the last two years and currently becoming a teacher. Trying not to take things for granted and seeing my friends as my tribe. Unfortunately they don't live around the corner, but put the importance on making plans to see each other. And try to call and talk to my mom everyday. My dream after I become a teacher is to create some community events outside work like I've done in the past.

You can only try so much… it is exhausting

I think that is also the point. No one is perfect. You don't got to look like a million bucks or have control over everything in your life (work, home, love, exercise, food etc). Kindness is all you need. To yourself and others. That you take yourself as you are, taking one day at a time, making plans to what you want to do, but not being hard on yourself. Like how you would treat a friend. The same way you shouldn't be critical of yourself the same way you shouldn't be critical of others. Listen to them and their stories. Laugh and cry with them. Help where you can. I think we forget that a little goes a long way - like smiling at a stranger in the street. I saw a young woman today walking and she went up and helped an older woman who was trying to reach her bus, by letting her take her arm so she wouldn't fall. That to me is love. That is kindness and goes to show we don't need to be perfect to help or like each other. We are exactly like we should be and the feeling of community is so much more important than materialistic wants or beliefs on how you should live your life from media or a capitalistic view. Meaning in a communal household everyone would get a task they were in charge of, just like in a village. Doesn't mean you have to be able to meet everyone's need. Just that you have a purpose and you are appreciated.