Love Addiction: Craving Infatuation, Limerence 

All my sisters and me are addicts and disordered. My oldest sister was an addict of many things including love and sex in the most extreme of all of us. Needless to say she’s dead now. My other 2 sisters are still deep into their addictions in their 50’s. My addiction was love and infatuation from afar starting at an early age. Too many romance novels for sure. But marriage cured me of that! Lol Our parents where narcissistic and self absorbed. Really no love, affection or validation to speak of. So of course, my sisters and I, we all suffer from narcissistic wounds ourselves. I did the responsible thing and had no children. Haven’t had an infatuation in years....reality set in about 30. I lived through my husbands narcissism and infatuations though and saw myself. Then I found you Sam when I divorced many years ago! Thank you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I believe that a state of limerance can be induced by and a reaction to the emotional manipulation of a narcissist: love bombing/shared fantasy, hot-cold behavior (intermittent reinforcement, lying, gaslighting, breadcrumbing and ghosting), trauma bonding, and cognitive dissonance.

This was me. I was in love with being in love. Started in childhood and grew as my fuel for daily live. New job? First day find my new crush, for energy to go to work. Without being in love i was unhappy. Menopause ended this. For that i am very thankfull.

Self love, self care & self awareness are saviors in this endeavor of transcending love addiction & limerence (a word I love, having recently discovered). A codependent realizing no one will love, the way you love, is the best tool for withdrawing from toxic love addiction. The best person to love is yourself. Terrifyingly, fascinating as always, S.V.

A highly intelligent individual. Much respect sir.

I love this topic, thank you! I almost labelled myself as a love addict, but after listening to everything, it's not the case, I'm just a borderline. Say I do idealize someone, but I would never lovebomb them to satisfy my romantic needs, even if I get interested in them, that's mental.

This resonates so much with me. I always used to say I was in love with the idea of love. A lot of what you mentioned here describe me at different times of my life. This has really hit me different than any other video.

i fall in love with the illusion to perpetuate the feeling of love

I'm a love addict. When I fell in love with a sex addict, half of my life changed. I don't know if she's a sex addict or she's just a love avoidant love addict that uses sex as a fix, however, this sex addict made half of my heart unbearably painful.... Yet, whenever she called [even till this day], I would always, always, always respond. Today, I don't know what I feel for her, but whenever I talk about it, it feels like I love her. The part about being celibate is 1,000,000% correct and I'm experiencing that right now. I'm not actually looking for a relationship but I can see and feel myself look for the next woman [or victim] because I know I hurt these people eventually. The information and the expertise in this video is almost a 1 to 1 explanation of what I experience in my life, everyday, every year.

Sam, you’ve taught me so much but you’re dry wit is amazing too 🤣

Listening, I began to wonder if there is a connection between love addition and fantasy to religious fanaticism. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insights.

Omg I'm an avoidant love addict for sure. I've been celibate 11 years and addicted to the most recent person over 3 years. He just got a new woman, not me, so I've blocked him I'm absolutely gutted, I would have done absolutely anything for him if he just asked and accepted my love, but now I realised I was truly living in fantasy land I feel so ill. If I actually do get a relationship I turn into like super girl, I become a perfectionist but on my own I'm just miserable and closed off I withdraw I let go of everything in my life, nothing matters. I want a new person to come along and take my mind off the last one. I don't think they're victims, I think they're damn lucky to have someone like me that loves so hard and they're just blind fools not to appreciate that.

Possibly the best unexpected intro ever 😂

Glad to know that the virus didn't reduce my IQ to unsuscribe your channel. Honestly your channel is one of the few I consider serious.

Covert borderline man can also be love addict.

Just wanted to add few things about limerence particularly: For some people limerence is a very rare occurrence and not necessarily an addiction from one episode to another, This may or may not result to a potential healthy love, depending on compatibility and managing fantasy vs reality. Some people prefer to start relationship with a limerent “start”(but limerence itself is not love) as a sign of “stronger” or more valid narrative. My two relationship started with limerence but didn’t end up in any explosive way, nor toxic one. Your mileage may vary, lol. Self awareness, and a strong self of self are your main security to manage the transition peacefully, but for most people from observation and reading there is a lot of troubles attachement style and suffering in the process. True love addict are an entirely different beast, as described in the video.

Wow! The BEST explanation! Sam does these deep dives and gives so much information. I’m understanding much more after watching this. I’m getting that the addict in limerence is emotionally m@sturbating about the LO. It’s more about the one in limerence; it has very little to do with the LO ( but definitely sexual attraction as they all had that to it) and more about the feelings it gives the addict. Since it can be anyone; and they have had many in their minds over the years. I know someone who has done this since he was a teenager. Recently; was caught with evidence of an LO; he wasn’t even aware about why he did this and how it happened until he had some therapy. This was with someone he knew would never desire him; so he felt it was easier because it could be one he could use for as long as he needed because he knew they would never be together; she wasn’t interested in him in that way. He says it was a safe one; because it would never happen and it’s a steady on going infatuation; because they; as a couple; will never be. I think deep down he knows the fantasy he creates about all of the women ( LO’s) he knows gets ruined if he ends up romantically involved. They just don’t live up to that ideal. This ruined his relationship with a very beautiful; generous, loving woman. A type of love addict as well. She put him on a pedestal; ( not healthy) and Sam is so bang on; they don’t want the deep love. They want the superficial initial love to go on forever. Not being able to “ get” the LO; is perfect for the one in limerence who is in a relationship; because that infatuation is long gone as they were together for 8 years. Having the LO; keeps an infatuation alive because the relationship he was in was long past that infatuation stage. ( he claimed he was love sick with that one in the beginning of his relationship) so this is a pattern. Understanding it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s fixed. Like Sam said it’s an addiction and it’s really hard to get rid of. Awareness is a start; but without continued therapy; I don’t think awareness is enough; as he tends to struggle with certain habits that start this kind of thing 🙁 Maybe digging deep into that serious childhood neglect would help but I think he’s too afraid of the pain. Always chasing; maybe looking for something he never got. I wonder could it be the opposite sex parent? 🤔

My therapist recently "diagnosed" me with being a love addict and having an addictive personality, after having talked about it for months but in regards to my (now ex?) long-distance on/off partner. Which was a shock. To me it translates into "I've been living in denial for 6 years" and it's terrifying. Especially because a side of me is convinced that what I'm experiencing is true love. I have had many moments, maybe of awareness, when I thought I was for sure living in denial and I've been concocting a fantastic narative where my partner would be a recovering alcoholic full of potential who will ultimately move to Europe, we will both go to therapy and make it work and potentially live happily ever after. But with a lot of efforts. It still seems plausible to my mind because I believe in love and connection, albeit my definition of it might be questionable. Having said that, I have lots of moments of clarity where I know what healthy love is and that's the only thing I crave. It's a special subject, this one. Hard to say if I have this on top of by BPD, some of the descriptions you said sound extreme and I definitely don't fall in love with just about anyone, nor have I ever used sex as a means to a relationship/love. I am very picky but for instance yes, I idealize my partner and find it literally devastating to let go of someone I love. My therapist considers that I don't truly love since I have moments where I feel hate towards him, but I feel like the splitting somehow doesn't affect the base feeling, which to me is love. I do question everything though and I know the insecurity is part of my symptomatic. In addition to it, every love has a bit of obsession in it and I find that to be generally accepted, and my explanation for my individual case is that, having been apart for most of our relationship, the empty space has been filled with paranoia, resentment, jealousy and I find this to be legitimate. Far from ideal yes, but understandable. What is seen as pathological is the fact that we perpetuated this for years in a row and we've been using the virtual means to get rid of each other in hurtful ways when things had gotten too much (which was obviously more often than not). I am aware that we have little reality-based experience together as a couple but I also feel like this is more than "just" an addiction. I even asked my therapist this, could it be possible that I feel true love AND this distorted love for him? Maybe my coping mechanisms are far more ingrained than I can imagine and I won't renounce the idea that I truly care for him so easily. His lack of consistency hasn't been helpful either though it should be irrelevant, I assume. Oftentimes I'm afraid I cannot, nor have I ever truly loved. And for someone who based her whole sense of meaning in life in the hands of the concept of love and "being with the other", the realization that I am incapable of it would be, is to me, catastrophic.

This is so honest and true! Everything you say is in perspective

I am literally suffering from this exactly.

I do feel alive when I am falling in love. I never, ever thought of it as a form of self harm. Hmmmmm.

Truest and most honest video I've ever seen. Ever.

Love these videos…. Have been binge watching all day. Bravo 🙌🏾

Hi Sam!Thank you for all your videos.I’ve learned so much from you.💚🙏🏻

Thank you for this Sam. The best video so far

This is the best video I've seen on the topic!

The wisest man on the internet. I value what you do for so many. Much respect to you, Professor.

This video is amazing, thank you so much. You made me realize I'm a love addict. I've been one for years. But for me it's quite a ride. I fall in love even with trees and a patch of nature. I can have orgasms on command more or less. I just need a memory, a good song, anything smart to add to my knowledge. I know I'm a maniac, also autistic and highly sensitive, agoraphobic at times, had weird jobs so far. Under medication I felt numb indeed. I try to understand this libidinal energy and control it as much as I can. Life humbled me many times but I still love every moment. I work around women and it's very difficult not to fall in love with most of the new memories we're making together. Their energy feels like home and I'm very lucky. I had a few hook up's in a very short span of 7 months or something like that when I was 21. I ended up highly depressed, stayed in the dark for 2 weeks, fasted a lot, learned I need love before making any moves in the sex department. I always liked alone time so breaks from dating are always welcomed. A few good years ago I realized the difference between being in love and actually loving someone, love can only prove itself over difficulties, love can be unconditional. Love takes work, even for an addict like me. I've done work over emotional literacy and the hand mnemonic for 3 months. I've put up boundaries and listening to you guys in the past years up to today helped me a lot. Getting out of my comfort zone with videos like this is cathartic and even enjoyable at times, self knowledge and introspection are up to another level thanks to watching your work and Richard's. I'm trying to individuate and be aware and I'm hoping that carrying so much love around is not making everyone take advantage of me. I feel I've been here for too long, I'm only 36 but I feel thousands over my shoulders.

😂😂😂 Ive no clue what it was about.. but damn, that intro made my morning 🤣🤣🤣

This is the most accurate description I’ve ever heard. I prefer only fiction characters because I don’t face real life consequences, but it is very destructive still. Now that I can think of it as an addiction I feel some hope that I can treat it. Addiction is treatable right?

Thank you for you professional information l’m latina and your advices are very important for me,help very much to me. Soy mexicana muchísimas gracias por si dedicación su tiempo y por compartirnos esta información

Thank you for the share Professor Vaknin. Appreciated. You have made a number of good points on this subject.

This was amazing thank you for this video. Really help me understand love addiction better.

ואני אתן לך קצת "ספליי" (בצחוק): גיליתי את הערוץ שלך בעקבות ההופעה שלך בסרט "התעללות נרקיסיסטית" של אלטה, והחלטתי לחקור קצת אודותך. אני חייבת לציין שהסרטונים שלך פשוט הצילו אותי ופתחו את עיני בעקבות מערכת יחסית מאוד מתעללת עם נרקיסיסט. אתה פשוט גאון! תודה על הכול! ואני משתפת את הסרטונים שלך לכול החברות שלי ואפילו הושבתי את אמא שלי לראות אחד או שניים. אני ב"היי" מהגילויים האחרונים בחיי בעקבות הדברים שלך. תודה רבה.

after so many years of feeling incomplete and lonely i have finally realised that I indeed am a love addict too. I keep going in and out of relationships with toxic people and actually don't know what kind of person I would be compatible with. I often just have fantasies about them from the start and live in my own head. When I'm single i keep getting obsessed with celebrities or fictional characters and other times I develop irrational crushes on people I have never even talked to. I just know that I am empty as hell inside and want to feel that feeling just to feel like I'm alive and like I have a purpose. Quite sad, really. I do not know how to stop or feel complete within myself.

I'm confused. I'm a healing Codependent. I've had two incidents of Limerance in my life. I'm 54 years old, healing from childhood abuse, but now enjoy bring alone. I've had relationships with two of Narcissists but was avoidance attachment most of my life. I still don't know if I'm still a love addict. I may not be, cos I don't have sex with strangers now and enjoy being alone. On other hand, Codependent Love Addict, I could have been in my past. I can also identify as Ambivalent Avoidant LA in the past. I'm afraid of going into any relationship now cos I'm scared if I get obsessive and making a fool of myself again. I've been healing for last 20 years, love solitude, reading, enjoying friendships, petting my cat, working on myself.

This is where Aristotle and Plato come to play. The mean between lust/infatuation/codependence and a cold, fake marriage is the virtue. And the knowledge that, while we were made to love, we must have all three forms of love to have a whole happy life. Romance and happiness is not erotic experience alone.

Thank you, Sam. I am looking for solutions and treatment for this "Love Addition". Self-awareness and meditation...you mentioned. Is that it?. What other treatment or advice do you have for people suffering from this? It all seems helpless...like you said, addiction is hard to treat. But, there has to be something people can do to truly heal. Thanks again for sharing your brilliance and insight with the world.

You're a genius, sir. Thank you so much for this.

The victims of love addicts are left completely devastated. Much like those of narcissistic abuse. I'm curious how many sex addicts are also narcissists?

Thank you Sam. I am definitely on the right path finally.

Professor! You have no idea how positive it was for me to hear you say (I have you in the background as I am reading) that you liked loosing bad people who had subscribed to your channel. Integrity and self knowledge dear Sir, our best tools against madness. Thank you once more!

26:01 i particularly love this lecture. I appreciate your way and love listening to your articulate voice and language.

This describes me to a tee and I think I'm finally brave enough to face it instead of chase after a new relationship.

Very interesting. Thank you for the insight on this.

I wonder if their early childhood primes their brain for trauma bonding. And that's why they keep chasing the idealization high and expecting the devalue/discard low. Fascinating stuff.

This was awesome

ייתכן שהתמכרות לאהבה, או הצורך בלהיות נאהב, זה סוג של הרס עצמי?

Thank you very much for this video.

Beautifully said.... Thank you!

I relate to a lot of what you said Im still quite young but i have this unbelievable obsessive emotional attachment to unavailable people and i want to get noticed and get attention from them obsessively. i want to get over it but I'm stuck and i enjoy ironically that emotional attachment that i m afraid to no have someone to love if i get over that person . In this same time it annoys me that that person is unavailable even if it's me who always chooses unavailable partners , plus i always idealised those people so much that my idea of them has nothing to do with reality and even if i do interact with them i still believe in that weird perception .And it's killing me i just can't stop living like this nothing seems to work i always Fall in the same path of obsession and addiction to those feelings

"So Long Honies..." bwahahahaha!🤣

nice to hear some real talk for once.

Again, i am horrified at this description of my behavior.

Really happy with my current IQ of at least 61

Well I doubt you'll lose me...lol ..you seriously Crack me up ! AND have helped me so much. I love you❣️

Is this some kind of narcissism? My sister seems to be bahaving like this and her behaviour is worsening little by little. Her husband is truly worried but cant speak and tries to bare her madly crushes and stories how there is no emotional connection between them in their marriage, even tho her husband does everything she wants. She tells everyone how she feels so called divine emotional connection with many orher man but never with her husband. These man are total strangers. She also behaves like teenager insted of 40 year old mother. I cant be close to her anymore because I cant respect her. This will cause bad traumas to her children and her husband. 😪

Here in 2024 healing ❤

How do you get over love addiction

Well if I ever doubted your intellect you certainly dissipated it with this video!

I'm a junkie

Brilliant - as always x

Well said. Subscribed 🤣

I am the mother of an adult love addict. I am just now realizing this. I dont know what to do. I mean, how I can help her. She just shut me out of her life and it hurts to see her like this.

I believe what you're saying. My ex narc watched movies by himself one time he was so happy because I reminded him of a character in the series game of thrones. Felt weird. But never did he show that kind of love to his wife, however he was very loving and seemed to bond immensely with strangers.

Interesting lecture

Thank you ! This is helpful

Great video Sam and good to see someone with an ounce of knowledge talking about love addiction and limerence. There is much confusion and ignorance in the therapeutic community about the difference between love addiction and limerence. In my experience most therapists have never heard of the term limerence. For me limerence is love addiction on steroids. I would be interested to hear/ read your perspective on the difference between the two.

In one fell swoop, I still remain.. 🔥

How can you be so accurate ?😮😢

Sadly this is me and my addiction.

Helpful information. Thank you.

You are AMAZING!!! Thank you for your sharing!

They'll still look. They can't help it

Is it known what treatments might be effective for this?

Dr. Vaknin, you're awesome!

Your intro is everything. "Farewell, honeys!"

I don’t know if I can take this dog psychology anymore

Can I get your counselling personally

Thank you Mr Vaknin, as usual your content is on point. This subject is especially important and more people should have this knowledge. This type of behavior is endemic in western societies and fiction greatly encourage this flaw of character. For anyone who relates to what Mr Vaknin says in this video, here are suggestions to "cure" yourself out of this extremely unhealthy mindset. I had to do this myself around ten years ago, and while it's a continuous process, I can definitely say that I am doing very good and have been for many years. Think about all the partners and potential partners you experienced very vivid and intense feelings for in the past (and only in the past so you can be objective in your analysis). What attracted you to them? Realize that's you, or how you wish you would be. Pursue these interests, find ways to work on yourself so you can actually be and do those things. Life is not a performance in which you get to write the play, being something is all in what you do, and the consistency in which you do it. It's a long process but it's possible to change. When I say that it's a process, it's because you will most likely have these limerence rushes again. Once you know, you can ask yourself what you lack in yourself at this particular moment that makes you have this feeling. It's extremely liberating, and in long term it helps you in all spheres of your life. It makes you more empathetic of the needs of others, and you simply become a better, more fulfilled individual. One that stable individuals will actually really dream of having as a partner, ironically.

CAN THIS BE TREATED?? I recognise this behaviour. I’m about to end a twenty year marriage because of it. Can it be treated successfully if I help her??

I believe i am always thinking of true love mabe it just my fantasy..

Brilliant Intro! Good work Sam!

You are the BEST!!!!

Hello sir, you should collaborate with Eli Somer, expert on MDD and dissociation of trauma-survivors. He also talks and researches a lot about falling in love with and fantasizing about imaginary people.

You make me laugh!

Good for you! Mission accomplished

Emotional parasites.

I was scapegoated and ridiculed by the rest of the family. Love bombed in front of my codependent mother and as a part of them blocking me from my emotional needs(control) they're performance included being very protected they would slap me silly over nothing but they're projection of my disrespect. I knew my mother loved me but she only adored the lovebombing and was way to busy with chaos and confusion and six children and a big drunken toxic baby. I was trauma bonded to her with limerence truth be told she really didn't validate anything about me

How can I change this? I recognize myself in many of this traits...

BRAVO!

Perfect

Was Dante Alighieri a love addict? As you know His platonic addicted love for Beatrice changed the history of world literature. He barely met this girl a couple of times in a church in Florence around 1289 and she eventually died in 1300 after marring another man, Folco Portinari. Was it a narcissistic idealization? ❤ 14:20

Adoration and love are two different things . The mother and child admiring each other , but as the time goes on the relationship must transform to love , and it' s a hard work . The love must born , every birth is painful , especially for mother , her child may be completely different than her imagine , she must release her imagine , otherwise the child will be cut off . " Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.” The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!” " 1 Kings 3:24-26 PS : Those kids who are unwanted or a result of some deal or accident , do not receive adoration . There is nothing to shape into love , the child just grows like weeds .

keep searching for the truth and tell the rest of us what your sharp observing eyes see. you help others to discover what we humans are trying to hide from ourselves. light on human repression. thank you for sharing your observations physics had Eistein, psychology have Sam Vaknin.

I think I’m a love addict... How can you cure it? Should I visit a psychologist who specializes in cluster B ?

Omg, I love, love.

35:25 4 types of love addicts

Can love addiction/limerence be brought on through fear because the object of desire has previous suicide attempts and confided they are going to be dead within 2 years? ...and can it lead to derealization and psychotic "racing extreme violence/murder revenge thoughts" episodes upon rejection followed by narcissistic devaluation?

You say that overcoming it ... through groups or CBT ..has limited effectiveness, it's a very bleak prognosis. If someone gains understanding of themselves can't they change?