Male Friendships through an Autistic woman’s eyes 

Hey guys I had to re-upload this video due to RU-vid copyright claiming the original one. I'm sad I lost all your previous thoughtful responses ;___; but hopefully there will be more of those on this one!

I remember finding it pretty upsetting how friendships with guys changed at puberty, I wasn't the same as them any more. I always felt we were equals before that but not after. I still do see myself as an equal I think but I realize it's more complicated now

I was also shamed bullied and made fun of for being sensitive and having non-traditionally masculine traits, I was called a baby, f****t, kitty, weak, you act like a girl. Im a sensitive, empathetic dude, and im learning that it's wonderful to be like this.

“They were my friend, but always waiting for the chance to sleep with me” YES x1,000 I literally experienced the same thing and it hurt me so much, ESPECIALLY since I am and always was very uncomfortable with the idea of being female.

I'm a male. Both males and females have used me as a therapist. It is the story of my life. Always been extremely sensitive, intuitive. That's why I've drifted out of many of my "friendships" because I'm sick of (and sick from) being used as a dumping ground for emotional toxic waste.

I'm starting to think I wasn't a tomboy when I was a young girl. I never dressed like a boy, I always dressed how I wanted to but not stereotypically like a tomboy. However, girls would be mean and guys would play tag and dodgeball. The only girl friends I had would sit with me in the flowers and search for ladybugs. I have a suspicion that I was perceived as a tomboy because of how many boy friends I had, but I also think adults felt like (due to how I dress; blouses and skorts) that I had crushes on a lot of the boy friends I had. I did have crushes, but I didn't really play with them. As I went through puberty, I found the only guy friends I could keep and have an actual friendship with were gay guys. My straight male friends were either in a relationship and respected their relationships or we weren't each other's type so it was easy to be friends. The guy friends that were attracted to me, let it be known through action that friendship was not something they really wanted. They would get close to me to try to cross boundaries. I mistook their closeness as a normal bonding friendship. I personally hate when a guy lies about wanting to be my friend. I don't want a guy waiting around to get into my pants. I'm not easy. I also don't want to be objectified. A lot of guys known how they feel, but they're so afraid to express their emotions that they basically sabotage themselves. Instead of being honest and saying: I just want to get in your pants, they fear rejection and then pretend to be your friend and then they mention tension when the feelings aren't mutual and make their move. It's so annoying..

I'm female, but I definitely operate in the way you've described here for men. Never had raw, vulnerable emotional connections with other women. Always felt like my struggles were so far removed from typical female struggles to be able to relate with them. Used previous partnerships for my sole emotional support and hoping to find someone that would be like a life coach (of course among other things, but I thought I had no other outlets for those specific needs). Always viewing the next male that came into my life as the next potential partner. Feeling lonely, lost, without a sense of purpose and no one to talk to. I am now ready to accept sisterhood into my life, I want to feel that strong female connection. I think a nurturing older woman would be a healing presence for me to open up this side of myself.

Fantastic discussion. One different perspective: I actually could start having romantic feelings for someone that I consider my friend. Those 2 roles are not mutually exclusive of each other for me. But I can understand that there are people that feel the way you do.

I completely agree with this sentiment. I did not have many friends in school because I was so focused on my academic record but afterwards I did find myself drifting towards friendships with men instead of women. It was easier due to less pressure to be sociable and perform femininity that often take place in friendships with women. Now I crave friendships with women because I want that emotional connection that I barely had with male friends. There is still the element of sociability being important in female friendships so I am specifically trying to find autistic female friends. Great video!

This was a very well thought out and insightful video. I’ve noticed that my husband thinks very highly of certain friends but has no faith that they would show up for emotional things. When we were getting married, I insisted that I knew one of our mutual male friends would only agree to marry us, but that he would be ecstatic and extremely honored. He was and their friendship noticeable changed (for the better) since then.

What you said around 12 minutes about guys staying friends without the growth or interest in each other!! They can be loyal to a fault and a part of me really admires that because I value chosen family, but when my guys I stick around despite their flaws stick with bad men....eegh

I think your thoughts/ observations are great and I relate so much to the things you said. I have found as an adult that my friendships with men vrs women are VERY different emotionally.

Honestly this is why I love queer friendships so so much. My best friend is queer and he has never objectified me and there is no chance of that oversexualization. We can also have those deep conversations, but also do this physical things instead of social things, which is great for autism.

I wonder how many aspects of being a man that we as a society deem as normal and natural, are actually just collective trauma. The number of times a male friend or partner has told me im the only person he’s ever deeply connected with is concerningly high.

The statement that you wouldn't be able to sleep with someone you're friends with or that you would never view your friends as someone you'd want to sleep with is the complete opposite from what I expirience. (I am neurotypical btw) For me all relationships are rooted in friendships. I have never seen romantic relationships as inherently different from friendships. They are just more intens. It's something that I only realised recently and I seem to not find many people that relate to that. I think what's also interesting is that I actually don't socialise well with men, despite only having brothers and no sisters. I have trouble socialising in general, but I did always become friends with women much more easily. I felt like that was because women were willing to give me a chance. They were willing to form an actual bond with me. That wasn't the case with guys. I didn't hang out with guys because I had no reason to. I didn't see them as friends because it was always incredibly superficial. Which is also funny because all my friendships have always been superficial. But with those superficial friendships with women we could discuss deeper topics regardless, while I almost never felt like a guy was fully willing to just understand what you're expressing. This reminds me of the one time I decided to rely on my only guy friend while I was going through a really tough time. I hadn't told anyone else the actual depth of the situation. He tried to find solutions. He wanted to fix it. He started telling me all these things I could do to make it go away. And at some point he mentioned that he's not a therapist. I know that. I never wanted him to fix anything. I just felt the need to explain myself since I was getting more irritable. It felt like everything was falling apart and I felt so alone. It felt like I was wuthering away and nobody would even notice. And I noticed myself destroying relationships. I needed someone to know what was going on. I needed someone to just understand. But he took that as me wanting him to fix it. Which almost felt like he wasn't even really listening to me. I ended up being very annoyed at a lot of points because he didn't seem to understand how severe that state of mind was for me. I know he had good intentions. I know he cares about me. But holy shit. I really love this guy, and I enjoy opening up to him for whatever reason, but I have to keep in mind what kind of conversation that is going to be. I have to be prepared for that. And it is complicated to explain. But it feels like he cares more about me than all my girl-friends ever did (which is why I call those friendships superficial, despite us discussing deep topics). Which is probably why I find comfort in telling him that kind of stuff, despite not really getting the kind of support I want from him. Social dynamics are complicated and hard.

Something thats interesting is that Im ace, but also pretty Demisexual. So I actually need friendship before any sort of deep romantic or sexual feelings form. But I also really value my female friends as I sort of identify myself away from masculinity and more towards feminity. I think growing up I sort of combined being friends and being interested in people as one in the same, but very much in a way that didnt align with patriarcical views of male/female friendships and much more in a way that felt true to myself, because hooking up with people seemed gross to me. I think realising I was demi allowed me to decouple those feelings and I now know a lot more about how my feelings form. I feel bad if I made any of my friends uncomfortable as a teen. Its sad that I just didnt have the resources because asexuality is so unknown. This all being said, I loath when people think its weird that I hang out with women platonically and assume there must be something else there.

Anyone else have men in their lives whose wives are their spokespersons for their emotions? Mostly boomers in my life

just came across your channel, and this video reflects the thoughts i've had for ages, particularly when i got into a romantic relationship and i started observing a lot more about men and male friendships. thank you for sharing your experiences, i'm glad to see that i'm not the only one having these observations.

Very interesting stuff you mentioned, as I get older, I find it easier to make friends with women than with men. My online friends, old college friends, and grad school friends/acquatiances have mostly been women. I always find it easier to connect with women and befriend them. I always felt weird about it, because with exactly you mentioned, some girls thought that it was odd that a guy wanted to be genuine friends, I grew up exactly like you, I had no brothers but sisters. I never felt like one of the guys. I was able to make guy friends, through football, fraternities etc.

I've never seen the male experience so well described. It's very rare that I feel like I can open up much to another guy, and when I do it comes pouring out and it's this huge euphoric moment. For any men who see this comment (or women who struggle with this kind of thing), learn to truly experience your negative emotions. It sounds silly almost, but I think most of us at least some of the time either bottle them up or release them as anger. I've personally been going through this journey (thank you Dr. K) and I find that not only am I more capable of working to improve my life, but it's easier to express myself to other people, even men. Having a good grasp on your feelings makes it easier for others to understand them and harder for them to invalidate you.

Sadly alot of guys arent really taught how to be that emotional or express themselves. Sometimes actively told not too.

You make me feel so seen… it’s so amazing that you can connect with your viewers the way you do !

thank you! such a good and important video ❤

You put into words so many things that I’ve observed about the men in my own life. Wow this video was awesome and you did a great job articulating things that I wish I could put into words. Very thought provoking and insightful 👌

This was so good and touched on so many things I've been thinking about lately when it comes to my own friendships with other men and the struggle to break down that wall of superficiality so we can be more open and really connect. This was so helpful and validating to watch. I love these deep talks you sit down and have with your viewers, they're always so good and you have so much wisdom, so many insightful observations to share and such a calm and empathetic presence, it's nice to hang out with you for a bit and learn from what you have to share and I really appreciate you work.

Such a good video. Thank you for discussing.

You’re such a lovely person and personality. I think you’re crucial in your relationships with girls and in your relationships with guys ❤

(aromanitc bi trans man perspective) that is so interesting because i've genuinely always seen my friends as people i could potentially sleep with whether they were guys or girls. and i mean that totally platonically. dating in my mind never really comes up tbh. some of the best friendships i've had were with people who were open to casual sexual interaction for fun. and most of the time it stays platonic. this may sound weird but friendships for me with ppl who aren't also open to that level of intimacy can feel more shallow and surface level. sex is not something im constantly waiting on like its an end goal. it's more of a "if it happens, it makes the friendship feel deeper". but of course all of this requires a great deal of communication and it's not like i don't care about my friends on an emotional level. sexual intimacy is something that enriches friendships for me. i'd like to think my friends feel the same way because we do talk about what our expecations are so nobody gets hurt bc their needs weren't met.

As someone who presented as, and tried to fit in with, allistic cis masculine humans, this rang true for me. Looking back before I realised what this thing is. Thank you.

This made me cry

The wisest sages are the most vulnerable, and therefore they are truly the strongest men. Vulnerability is strength. Look how a baby commands the attention of those around it simply through its extreme vulnerability

One of the difficulties I run into, as man wishing I had more meaningful emotional connections with people, is that I figure out how to deal with new kinds of social interaction by watching other people until I feel like I understand how it works. I don't know what meaningful emotional connections even look like.

I really see what you are saying and agree with every word, it makes me feel sad to know that the person I’ll someday meet as life-long partner might be that way that opposes the way I’m and knowing that I deeply need a really sensitive and expressive person to share love with, and in the same time pressured that I'll be the only one who emotionally dominant and not receiving the same. And the same that you said be his therapist without actually hem being my therapist in other times like with most of female friendships. I imagine that to not be so fun.. ☹️

I've never been someone who has had a lot of friends, but the few I have or have had have always been deep, deep bonds, and every one of the my truly great friends have been men. So your lived experience is pretty much the opposite of mine in that regard, though there are certain things you're saying that I think I can relate to but may have a different perspective on. As far as male and female friendships and relationships; I can deeply empathize with other men who cannot be friends with a woman who they have feelings for because it is extremely difficult to be around someone who your heart yearns for and not have those feelings reciprocated. It's just emotionally too painful. And I think that's the reason why men can be friends with each and bond even if many of their interests have changed over the years. It's not so much that they never bonded at a deep level, but rather that they never developed romantic feelings for each other, and so it doesn't break their heart to hang out with an old friend who they don't have much in common with anymore. I love my closest male friends with all of my heart and soul, but I don't yearn to become one with them. Their beauty does not spellbind me or crush my heart, even if they happen to be extremely attractive. Again, it's not merely that I have zero desire to have sex with them, but more importantly it's that I have no romantic yearnings for them, which is not at all the same as sexual desire. One is a basic biological urge on par with hunger or thirst, while the other is a yearning of the heart to be whole again. One more thing I'll add is that in my lived experience women cannot seem to be friends with each other at a deep level, and if they so happen to reach that deep level, they seem to rarely sustain it. You mention that women can no longer be in each other's company after they grow part from each other because it's too painful based on the bonds they form, but that confuses me based on what I stated in the previous paragraph regarding the difference between platonic love and romantic yearnings. If one does not feel romantic yearnings for someone, then why would it be painful to hang out with them simply as a result of changes in interests, politics, and other things of that nature? Like, I'm always going to love my mother no matter what her politics or religious views or what-have-you, because the bond I have with her is deeper than any particular subject matter. Likewise with friends who I shared childhood experiences with but who have gone in a different direction in their lives from my own. I may not see them for years and years, but my love for them isn't contingent on this, that, or the other. They are brothers, and therefore I will love them until the day I die.

thank you 🙏🏻 i appreciate you sharing your insights. I identify with your experiences a lot. I get so frustrated when I think I’m making a generous + caring male friend, only to realize they weren’t just being kind to be kind. I’m a lesbian and I’m out now, and I’ve noticed a stark shift in how men interact with me before I tell them I’m a lesbian vs after. I’m the same happy go lucky person, but once straight men hear I’m only romantically interested in other women - they stop talking to me and disengage from any kind of friendship we had developed. It sucks because I don’t understand why I tend to be seen as either a love interest or chopped liver to straight men… why can’t I just be seen as a person.

I resonate with this video but I am different when it comes to sex. My body doesn't care if I'm dating someone or not, I can't help if I'm sexually attracted to a friend. If they are a trusted friend and also have physical desires and no relationships holding them back, I can respectfully change my boundaries with that person and their consent. The problem is that most of the time, guys have not treated me the same way so I am forced to kind of gatekeep and guard the sexual side of myself and save it for dating

As a gay neurodivergent… I relate to this as well

I find this fascinating as my experience has been the opposite- a greater resonance with men over women. Your partner sounds like an artist seeking alternative mindsets, just as you are. Don't seek mainstream- wander beyond the precipice! ❤❤❤❤You are beautiful 😍 ❤ 💖 💗

This is so beautiful, one of my favorite videos I've watched lately

Neurohormonally, guys are set up such that a culture that does not take deliberate action to do otherwise will tend to hypersexualize them. For a guy that hasn't been hypersexualized, other criteria than attraction tend to be crucial as a gut check on whether he actually likes a girl or whether it's just testosterone making emotional noise. Furthermore, and I think this tendency is intensified by autism, he's likely to feel that starting a relationship with a girl without already knowing her well and being friends is objectifying her and risks putting too much emphasis on the physical aspect of things. The upbringing that creates this kind of guy tends to engage the male sense of loyalty, so he wants to be fairly certain a relationship will work before he even asks, and once again, when autism is present, this is intensified. So this guy, especially if autistic, has to invest significant time and emotional energy into any potential relationship just not to feel dirty about asking, and rejections are likely to be felt deeply and to involve significant recovery time. Meanwhile, if the girl he's interested in mentally removes friends from the list of eligible romantic partners, he worsens his chances the more he invests. If she's autistic, she's likely higher-masking than he is and feels her social position among neurotypicals is precarious (especially if she's undiagnosed and not trying to unmask), so his autistic ass just has to blunder into a few violations of social rules that are core to her mask and he doesn't have a chance. He asks, gets dismissed out of hand, the friendship disintegrates, and next thing you know both sides are feeling betrayed and probably at least a little more sexist than before. And that is the anatomy of a star-crossed lovers story, autism edition.

I love when autistic people talk about the differences between men and women, because it's not that I agree all the time it's that there are differences and the discussion is interesting. Anyone I've met not onnthe spectrum either believes men and women are the same exactly in every way that matters, or the things the say are differences just sound more like they had one experience and generalized negative things about all men or all women. I'm a guy, im trans and have passed 100 percent for years, so being friends w Anyone has that extra layer of complexity on top of the autism for me. But that said all my friends are people I'm close to and also I have very little in common w them now, if we even started w much in common. But honestly I only have one close gal pal because I notice any time I've tried to be friends w other women it end up kinda like ypu said about male friends from your perspective. In the sense that I feel used. Men use lady pals as a "wait for them to make a move" friend, and women have used me as a "I expect you to treat me like a partner bit I'm not going to treat you like a partner and I don't want you as a partner" friend. One of my close friends since middle school was a girl on the spectrum and she's the only autistic person I've known who has that mentality that men and women are the same. She got mad any time Anyone tried to explain to her the reality that most men aren't really being her "friend" like she thinks, because they're waiting for her to date them. But every one of those guys always left eventually when they realized she was never gonna sleep w them. And this year I realized she kinda treats me like those guys. She wanted me to always let her vent and support her but hated any criticism about any situation. She never made effort to hang out unless I could get a ride to her house. She'd ask me if I wanna go to whatever town festival, knowing I'd have to get a ride for us both. I looked back at our friendship and realized she kinda uses me all the time, but she does that to everyone else as well. And most women I've been friends w were similar. They want me to talk to them all the time, go out my way to see them, and it became obvious when they got a bf that they kinda just do the same things w me as their bf minus the sex. Kinda a lot to ask right? Me to be there like a partner for someone who doesn't reciprocate? Anyway I love my guy friends for this reason, they usually don't use me. They benefit from me but it's and honest give and take and even tho it's usually small talk and sitting quietly while we do separate things, any time either of us needs to get real and deep we can and that connection is unmatched. Autistic, trans, a guy, bi. The best type of friends for that are the ones with a mutual understanding that we aren't trying to hook up. Never thought as a teen that I'd have straight guy friends but wow they really don't wanna date me and I really don't wanna date them and that gives the space to just be stupid guys w dumb thoughts who are still there whenever support is needed

That impression of déja vu. Yup, youtube and its copyright claim abuse can be infuriating.

I had the same experience, aside from 2 to 3 "male" friends, all my best friends were "female". All talks with "male" were an unabridged small-talk after another. In depth conversations with "females" and how to help others and themselves were the norm. We are all non-binary, within a spectrum, in seeking for unreachable "Male" or "Female" masks, we leave plenty of situations on the table.

I appreciate your perspective. One question though, what is the problem with men having different political views and hanging out? I see disagreement within friendship as a sign of maturity. I know old men who have been friends for years and are the opposite ends of the political spectrum and they get along fine.

Interesting pov. If you saw me irl most would (and do) project masculinity onto me as if I am a cis man. In my head I'm basically the meme of "I'm nonbinary but I have a job rn" and have been for almost 10 years. My personality is like some kind of enlightened centrist of gender in the sense that I have a chunk of these traits you described here, but also alot of the traits you talked about in the woman video. As a result my autistic masking manifests in alot of social mimicry, which, in practice, has often been incoherent and weird. I can queen out with the girlies and larp dudebroism maybe about 50% of the level that each scenario would require. but as you said, alot of friendships with guys are superficial and I do find myself "shallowfying" myself around most men, but at the same time my brain registers women as competition on instinct which is especially awkward because I know that's not how women perceive me because I simply do not look the part since I mostly don't have the spoons to look the part (and also I got worse at masking in general when covid hit) I don't really have a point with this I just know freud would have a field day with me.

To think about man’s emotion, I think that’s why they can’t get why would some girls enjoying reading boys love contents with two boy whose more open with emotions than typical men in our society. I’ve seen male player of the game that I play, saying something like that to bl biased content provided by the company. ”They are just friend, just like me and my bruh chilling” “They are just roommates, why all fujoshi (girls who like bl) thinks that they are lovers? Tbh I think it’s not logical for the other one to invite him in at all, cause he hate people break his peace” What they don’t see is that craving of connection, the meaning between two meaningful people who can open for each other, who had seriously evaluating the distinct perspectives between each other, and had considering how their interactions would be to sustain such relationships between two polar opposite people, it’s like what I have heard the protagonists in pride and prejudice (they also used the book as a reference) But to those who haven’t get to consider all these, all they can see is that they are just friend who sometimes bring bad experiences to each other, actually more commonly have conflicts, and they don’t know why they have conflicts at first place and why they can still staying together. And man I tell you, you don’t know how attractive such a man could be, such a person could be, regardless of their appearance, height, figures, fit or not, low social status or not. The ability to be able to form deep human connections is very precious that none of the above could compete it, well from my own eyes. And I think gender gap nowadays have become smaller and smaller, that some female becomes like how males are, we lack the meaningful connections and the effort that we are willing to put for it.

Thank you so much for making this video! I definitely recognize a lot of things in this video. The fact that we even call “being sensitive” and “having empathy” feminine traits is so sad, because those are part of the human experience. Why should we deny that to half of our community? Further viewing for anyone who wants to learn about male socialization: Gender Theory for Dudes - Chill Goblin ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-Sp0I-qoQLuA.html I can’t recommend it enough!

I took what I could get so I wouldnt be lonely. But in the end I felt more lonely especially since i wasn't the most masculine guy no sports but no communication either. My emotional outlet was my hobbies but when I got into my first relationship I which lasted 5 years I told her everything but that ruined the relationship I wanted someone to talk to because my male friends never talked about life stuff. But I find with my neurodivergent tendencies I can barely navigate either. I can not remember a time during adult hood when a woman ever wanted to just be friends but I cant connect with men at all its confusing. Sex sucks I crave emotional connection with both genders but I dont get that trhough sex feeling like a strange alien.

Great video. A lot of this tracks with my experiences as a guy. I would add that one of the reasons for the therapist girlfriend dynamic is guys (at least in America) are socialized to put on a strong front for the whole world except for their romantic partner (but only after they've proven to the partner that their strong enough to "earn" their love.). You can see it a lot in memes shared by lonely men online.

I (a man) was listening and disagreeing intensely with your points on men having less emotional depth than women - I think men and women just experience baseline emotions differently and/or at different frequencies. Women and men have used me as an emotional sponge in the past and I've found men simply tend to experience more anger and lust at default. If they get 'sad' it tends more towards despair than sadness. Women tend to experience more sadness and jealousy. This disconnect in what men and women experience makes it hard to see what constitutes 'depth' as (both) are seeing the other's emotions through their own emotional lens. Also - on why men 'hang onto' friends once they've outgrown them - it is quite literally a display of non-objectification and emotional depth. We hang onto our friends because we are not our careers, hobbies, belongings, or stances on things. We have people we like for being /them/ in a unique soul sorta sense and everything else is mere dressing. Also also on the 'wanting to sleep with friends' thing - if you're physically attractive and attractive in personality (enough to be a friend) - the bar for wanting to sleep with you is met. I don't understand the male/female split opinion on this outside of women being more picky with appearances.

Now I understand why a couple of one night stands I had ended up with the men saying they love me and wanting to date me by the end of the night. I initiated the date to be this night of deep conversations with a stranger plus a lot of sexual experiences all in one night. I guess that's not how most people do this, oops 😬

yessss that's really more about toxic masculinity and culture than men in a biologic sense I really strongly agree with a lot of things there. So many of us suffer through trying to fit that mold it's absolutely ridiculous

so much truth

this was helpful. thank you.

As an autistic male I did find it hard to socialize before but now I feel like being with other friends.

I'm male I already know I'm going to relate to every word that you say.

I feel that i am a brother to all men and boys .

I would only get close to people that allowed me to. I grew up being friends with girls and I found it easier to talk to them because I guess I was considered too sensitive for a man by other men. My friendships with other men have always felt surface level , they don’t want like to talk about feelings due to culture and I had to distance myself. I can only align myself with people who are willing to talk about their emotions and can express them. I am still learning.

This discussion put words to what i noticed in the individual parts of the subject but couldn't put it together well. I've always felt awkward with girls and often was bullied and pushed out by one of the girls in the group because everyone liked me a lot and they were jealous. Girls backstab so much and it's hard to be around them. So, i would make guy froends and feel really uncomfortable like they wanted more which can be really scary to me so i end up alone. I also get frustrated with being a therapist with someone I'm dating or married to because i felt like there was so much focus on them i would lose myself in their needs and being nurodivergent i already masked like that and i needed someone i could be me and be heard too. I had a guy friend try to come on to me one night when we were drinking and I've known him a really long time. He comes and goes into my life when he's either in a relationship or not and I've gotten to the point i don't tell him when I'm not dating because i don't want issues

Hi-what microphone are you using?

I was always sensitive growing up, my childhood and school environment was a lot like puberty early on. I was hardened by the harshness of the world around me, despite what wickedness I have become, the softness is still there inside. "Every cold hearted or callous person you ever meet was once as soft as water, and that's the tragedy of living." - Ian Thomas or T.L. Martin I understand what you're saying, the USA has a messed up culture in general. Most guys won't allow themselves what they crave because like you said, are afraid of their own emotions, just bury it deep inside as the culture that surrounds them pulls a veil over their eyes and won't allow them to be themselves, it's all about the status quo and perpetuating some nonsense that is ugly, an ugly culture. It seems to be done almost for profit as such sexualisation can be found also in advertising, the society is not truly supported by the government which acts more as some system in support of corporations to make money from a population they don't really care about, more examples in movies and media putting horrible concepts into people's minds through cinema, horror films. That same culture is trained to love horror films in cinema as it's like some exciting way to have a date night. It's a lot of psychological profiteering and social engineering. As I've learned, a lot of this is resulting from the end of WWII and what the US did with the techniques & technology that they retrieved from the Nazis during Operation Paperclip. On the secret, govt side of the world it created a lot of darkness especially in the then new field of mind sciences, on the public side it seemed to create an engineered culture, a population to be manipulated and money made from. The modern suburban model is, IMO, a Black Project in itself. The average house can be invaded easily, while the people who designed this society live in fortresses as defensible as any castle in the ancient world, or better yet. The society is basically designed in service of the social engineers, at the cost and to the detriment of the population. I could go on, but I'll finish with this song. "A history of genocide repeating itself.. People brainwashed by media, blinded by psychology." ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ags3k1idBRQ.htmlsi=WzxOVaS2cD1yG00S

Ohohoh.. there is a "joke", which isn't really a joke at all, between me and my friends that I am the therapist of every man I am friends with... and most of my friendships have been with guys. Many of those male friendships of mine also have developed in the way in which I know they have gotten feelings, but refrained because of my relationship.

Interesting. For me (I'm female) I've always idealized male friendships. I felt there were more brotherhood between them than between girls. It's interesting, this idea that they are more loyal to each other but don't really have deep relationships. For the rest, I don't feel like you. I don't have deep relationships with other females at all. I can get along well with female coworkers or roommates, but we almost never become close friends or even friends. I find it hard to understand my role in a relationship with another girl. I had female friends growing up, but I almost always ended up hating them. As an adult I started having almost only male friends, and I like it that way. I love men, I feel good and safe around them, I like to hear their voices, masculine energy feeds me and soothes me and reassures me, and I find they are often more interesting and funny than girls. But yes sometimes it can be hard to manage a relationship where they want more from us (love/sex) than we'd like to give. But for me, unlike you, I also generally become friends with guys that I find at least a little attractive, and there is no clear line between love and friendship. My closest guy friends I have already kissed them or more, and I'm very ok with that, as long as it doesn't become a demand from them.

As an greyasexual, AFAB, trans/non-binary person who, until recent years, actively rejected the feminine aspects of zirself most of zir life (because I was tired of being misgendered and, from a queer perspective, pressured by the trans community to be "more masculine" to be seen as a "real man", e.g. not wearing makeup, not shaving, etc. ( Body hair triggers a sensory issue for me, and I like wearing makeup, so even though I naturally have many "masculine" characteristics, it felt off to turn away from my femininity as well)), the part where you described how it never felt like men/boys wanted to be "just" friends resonated with me. I simply wanted to hang out, play videogames, geek out about our favourite anime or manga, shoot the shit about whatever, etc. In my eyes, I was a guy just like them (even if that the time it didn't click for me that I was trans/enby, b/c I didn't know any other trans/enby people at the time), so them being straight guys trying to initiate a sexual or romantic relationship with me was confusing as hell. ("You say you're a straight guy, so go after a straight girl already! Leave me in peace!" XD) But, because in their eyes, I was a girl/woman, there was always that weird energy. And since I didn't connect well with girls/women at the time unless they were masculine, or eventually game out as trans (so not women at all), I eventually isolated myself more and more. The unexpected emotional burden of other guys constantly trying to nudge the friendship towards something else (especially since I never understood flirting cues, or the concept of flirting all together), it felt gross, so I stopped trying to be friends with...anyone, really. It wasn't until my late 20's, after joining a local kink community, I (seemingly ironically lol) finally started to find other guys who simply wanted platonic friendships, and women I could connect with, because a lot of the community was queer, autistic, had ADHD, or some combination of the three. Even if they did want more, they never pressured me, and respected whether or not I wanted to pursue anything. And the point you brought up how a lot of your partners felt lonely and wished they had a "brother" to confide in, I also deeply resonated with. Even now I find myself with a lack of other men/masculine people to connect with in the way that I need. I have my little brother, and a partner, sure, but my brother's ten years younger and has his own life to start, and my partner is currently long distance. I am grateful for the women that I have in my life, but I do hope to find other men/trans/enby people with which to forge deep connections.

29:19 this part is so funny 😂

Yeah, I definitely relate to this (especially as a lesbian), and when you mentioned how you're no longer friends with your guy friends struck a cord. I've had more guy friends over girl friends than I can count through out my 23 years of living. However, the friends that have stuck with me to this day are all women, femme, or gay men. I think friendships with woman/femme/gay men especially, tend to require one to drop the superficial (even if they lie to your face about it). Just an observation of my own

I appreciate you posting this clip. It has given me some insight into the female viewpoint regarding friendships with the opposite sex. your perspective largely falls in line with my own past observations regarding the differences in the ways in which men and women forge their connections. From my vantage point, men typically lean on their relationships for the purpose of emotional unveiling and the dissection of emotions. However, this does not consistently stimulate the same depth of bonding that women often experience. Men, as a broader rule, find kinship primarily through shared pursuits and hurdles. This is exceptionally evident in high-stakes situations where a collective of men can form deep ties via a communal struggle linked to a mutual aspiration or goal. To women, who are attempting to comprehend and form more profound ties with men, this concept may seem at odds with their understanding of friendship or relationships. It may seem unnatural that men generally need a tangible aim or reason for their relationship to evolve. The key distinction lies in the more physical and behavioural manifestation of the underlying expression. Nonetheless, these aims can be relatively straightforward and overlap with the traditionally feminine understanding of friendship. For instance, working together with a significant other on the task of expressing appreciation or showing more pronounced gratitude. Alternatively, they can be more intricate, like joining forces to finish a daunting project, or collaborating to attain professional or life benchmarks. Fundamentally, grasping that a man's expression of emotion does not necessarily represent the depth of his bond with you can be invaluable. To genuinely foster a significant relationship with a man, it's essential to understand that shared ambitions, obstacles, and triumphs often constitute the foundation of bonding. I'm in full agreement with the section discussing men being out of touch with their emotional state and possessing a limited emotional vocabulary, often limited to expressions of anger. However, I attribute this primarily to contemporary restrictions on language and expression, driven by liberal values and self-reliance, rather than being a trait inherent to men. I have observed that men often find it difficult to express themselves due to current norms around acceptable behaviour, particularly in professional environments. This also affects women in a similar way in that they are told to be less emotional or expressive however they often view this as an expression of patriarchy or discrimination whereas men are much more likely to view this as the consequence of HR departments and the constraints on free speech, this is often especially true for the role of humour as this is one of the few ways that men express more complex emotions and which is extremely crippled by current workplace culture. I believe that women are largely oblivious to the extent to which men censor or modify their expression due to these norms, primarily due to a blind spot around the conventional narrative of men as oppressors and women as victims. Women frequently believe that men's reluctance to display emotions is a product of conditioning by patriarchal society. In reality, what men fear most is expressing feelings of vulnerability (negative emotions) or perceived insensitivity (often positive emotions) as these are often viewed as unappealing traits in men, and can result in direct repercussions. This is particularly true for men with low self-esteem a trait that i find alarmingly common among men in the modern era.

i dont like having sex...it feels weird and awkward even with my boyfriend so i broke up with him and we're staying as friends now. am i weird?

31M here. Here's the perspective that I have developed. It might upset a few people though. When I was younger, I preferred friendships with women because I generally felt more at peace with them, didn't feel pressured to be a certain way/"manly enough", didn't have to deal with disgusting "locker room talk" or being told that I was inherently flawed because I wasn't having sex, and I connected emotionally with women much more easily than with men. However, as I've gotten older, I've recognized that it is completely impossible for me to have a meaningful 1-on-1 friendship with women without becoming romantically interested/attracted, which in the past has consistently caused a lot of inner turmoil for me, resulted in the friendships falling apart anyway, and oftentimes getting accused of being creepy/overbearing/clingy/whatever. I've tried so hard to change this aspect of me, but no attempts have ever worked. So between that and me now being in a relationship with a woman who I love very much, I am no longer interested in having 1-on-1 friendships with women outside of my family. I think other men and women can be friends but I personally cannot, both for my own sake and for the sake of not causing any undue stress/anxiety/overthinking for my girlfriend. I am perfectly fine with being friends in group environments such as game nights, classes, or work, however.

I honestly believe girls/women have unspoken social rules that other women are expected to follow. I remember being at school and I'd leave the lunch table without telling anyone i was leaving and i learned that they made fun of me when i left because they thought i was mad about something just because i didnt announce i was leaving but the reality was i didnt have the slightest idea that i was expected to tell anyone that i was leaving, i genuinely didnt think it mattered or that anyone would notice. School was such a difficult time for me. When it comes to men I find the unspoken rules aren't there and they are far more accepting or understanding if you've decided to leave a table without telling anyone, for example.

And also, there are not much friend becoming lover scenarios in China, but the objectification of woman and the over valuing of masculinity is not low, tbh pretty high misogynist that I have no Chinese male friend even though I am Chinese. They will have rank of girls, they will say you fat, they will call you bitch or slut behind you, they will unintentionally put you in a lower spot by saying something like “it’s man’s thing why you woman came interfering”

I thought your videos couldn’t get any better - and then I saw IROH… hello from an autistic girl from Russia 💖

yes

My best, most trustworthy and loyal friend is a man. We have been friends for almost 30 years and I have NEVER been put through the hell females have put me through. He never judges me, or makes fun of me, or ridicules me for being myself. I can be open with him and he has never been inappropriate with me. He listens and gives advice and we have had deep conversations about emotional issues- including my autism. But female connections were the absolute worst experience I have ever had in my life- especially damaging and equal in toxicity to past narcissistic exes.

you would never sleep with someone you "could" be friends with? or "couldn't"?

I wish I had a brother .too .

yayy💞

Glad for the most part I don't show these male traits. I often hate hanging around other men for these reasons. Maybe its because I am an autistic male but I don't identify with people that describe themselves as real men. I am sure I do some of those things because of how I was brought up but for the most part I do not. Sometimes I wonder if its because I am an autistic man or if autistic men are different from neurotypical men?

Basically I just can't have friends yay 🙌💯

I've only had a few successful friendships with men, though none of them have lasted long. Most of the men I have tried to befriend before and since, I found out later on that they wanted to get into my pants. I'm also a lesbian, and very upfront about that with men, so that adds an extra layer of not respecting me as a person. I have men in my life that I care about, but I am cautious around them, and I generally don't trust men anymore because of this. That doesn't mean that every man sucks and is like this, but it is enough for me to be wary.

You nailed it, congratulations, you have learned the oldest story ever told, the disconnect between men and women. Women need to ask themselves “why are men this way?” The first answer will no doubt be a feminine perspective, but you need to go deeper, think about what your life might be like if you were in a man’s shoes.

Too many men are being forced to a relationship.

STOP cutting us off, please hear us, ask us what we need, not what YOU think we need. Don't rush us.

I feel so seen.

That's something that happened with me, i was friends with this guy and as soon as he got into a relationship he stopped being friends with me the very second 🤢🤮 Which was yucky but only ment our friendship was superficial asf.

9:55 the "friend zone" is not real. It's not a mutually-exclusive thing. It's just that you don't see yourself being "just friends" with someone you would find both attractive and fun to be friends with, because you have the option of seeing them as potential partners first. And the people that you would not find attractive but would still enjoy being friends with, are those you see as "just friends". I.e., normal friends. It doesn't mean that you can't be friends with people you are attracted to; you just happen to usually have the opportunity to pick your friends from the not-attracted pool, and have the opportunity to have as potential partners the friend-eligible people that you are also attracted to. If the friend zone was real, it would also mean you couldn't have genuine friendly non-sexual/romantic interactions with a non-platonic partner, and that would be sad AF. Most people do settle for being platonic friends with people they are attracted to, because they also care enough to want to keep them in their life. Sometimes that's even your only options for friendships anyway if you want friends at all. And some people are even attracted to basically everyone, which includes all of their friends.

🙏🏾

💯

Friendship is about emotional bonds?!

👍

The problem is that even if you validate and humanize them in hope of reciprocity, they're so entitled it will just end here and they won't reciprocate it to you...

You are an awesome person i would love to be friends with you you are beautiful as you are you always have intelligent interesting videos

13:15 There's no inherent problem whatsoever with still being friends with someone (man or woman), that just happens to hold different political views/has different hobbies/treat women differently. This seems like a weird delineating yardstick to me tbh. No offence.

Yeah exactly, in this misogynistic world, women are also shamed for acting with traditionnal feminine traits and that also make it very difficult for women to have female friends (because of the sexism and internalized misoginy)...

Don't know id It's because I'm not American but I don't agree with this at all. It's not how me and my friends interact at all.

But are you a social scientist or some... bc everything you say is really sociological mixed with a little psychology✨

Is that why guys seem to turn into whoever they are around? That’s always made me feel weird.

You're saying all these things like you're surprised when the whole world tells you every day that women are more emotional than men so stop expecting men to women they're not they don't want to share their emotions with everybody because they know how women will use that against them they don't share their emotions with men as much because they don't need to I've heard my son play video games with his friends and he will not talk about anything serious and then every once in awhile something serious will come up and in the middle of a video game online they'll have this deep conversation for a couple minutes or say something that's seriously going on and they'll encourage each other and say it's okay and then they go on with their business they don't need all the words that women need and women definitely emotionally throw up on men way more than men do on women and if least if men do it to women it's their wives not any guy that comes along

30:10 Going to the gym is not 'physical violence' lol. Neither neccessarily are sports.

Men are never shamed for feminine or emotional qualities, provided they are overabundant in other masculine traits. IE male who is feminine or emotional will be seen as a good, holistic man by women who don't realize he would not be tolerable and certainly not afmirable if he didn't have a tonne of power- eg TALL, BIG, WEALTHY, LEADER, POWERFUL- sure then he can sing a song and talk about his feelings. Nothing new under the sun. So it has been and so it shall forever be.