Mock the Week - Rejected First Lines from the new Harry Potter Book 

"Finishing in the cafeteria, harry and Ron turned their wands on themselves".... all the other wizards with their pumped up kicks.

Frankie and Hugh had way too much fun with the Harry Potter topic.

"I'm sorry Harry," said Ron, "I thought you felt the same way."

"It's not as good as that one" - aw, bless!

"Finishing in the cafeteria, Harry and Ron turned their wands on themselves." Hahahahahaha. The subtlety in that joke is fucking exquisite.

As Harry bent over and put his face into the pensieve, Dumbledore snatched at an opportunity.

3:25 is my new ringtone.

Frankie's go at 0:44 , funnily enough, is basically the plot of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen volume 3. I'm not even kidding.

"Finishing in the cafeteria, Harry and Ron turned their wands on themselves!!!!!!!" OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Frankie went to the mic when Dara just started to say the topic. He is fast

1:58 "Come on ya bastard!" he said

I am Lord Voldemort...... and I'm an alcoholic. Love that line!!

*Unhelpful Things to Say in a Crisis* Our Thoughts and Prayers are with you.

Unhelpful things to say in a crisis "AAAAAAAAA!" lol, why do I find that funniest? ^^

My entry: "It was a warm summer day when Scrotie McBoogerBalls..."

AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! most unhelpful thing in a crisis ;)

I've never seen dara laugh so much!

Genital warts at hogwarts, I died when she said that!

Frankie Boyle is a legend. He makes the funniest jokes I ever heard on Mock The Week.

"Finishing in the cafeteria, Harry and Ron turned their wands on themselves" So fucking funny.

What a team,frankly Hugh and Ed,nobody would stand a chance

Why don't we get the UN involved?

Where's Russell Howard on a day like this XD

unhelpful lines to say in a crisis, probably the best quick fire round yet

hahahaha these two were probably my favourite categories :DDD

*pauses at 0:03* That... is an unusual expression...

'Let's have a nice cup of tea'.

I swear to God Frankie could say anything and I'd still laugh.

shall we use the invisibilty postion to spy on Hermione while she is having a shower

The cafeteria joke went past me... but then I got it and laughed like mad.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!" LMAO

Hugh, Joe, Frankie and Russell would be like, the ultimate team.

Frankie and Ed, opposites but hillarious

Ahh, love the goat joke!

3:24 i KNEW one of them would scream! X-D

*Hugh has not aged.*

The worlds about to blow up... YESS!!!!!

2:33 sheer brilliance xD

"I'm not a fucking wizard!! 😭😭"

It might have been a reference to Aberforth Dumbledore, who apparently was quite fond of goats.

My entry: "Now why didn't I think of that sooner?" said Harry as he stared at the bullet hole going through Voldemort's head.

the best trio eva, Frankie Boyle, Hugh Dennis and Ed Bryne The True British Flag

No-one is too YOUNG for Happy Potter!

3:22 is the best bit

yeah fair enough, and after reading Mary Shelly's Frankenstein, i can see the big difference in the levels

Too good *-*

Ed Burn is hilarious. Nothing more to say.

@rassinlababidi I've heard (and it probably is true) that they're told the topics beforehand so that they can think of some stuff to do straight away.

Most likely a reference to Aberforth Dumbledore. He had an affinity with goats.

@smeg12345 that all depends on if he is from ROI or Northern Ireland.

@Abbi Telford thats very similar to Hugh Dennis's rohypnol gag

GREASE THE GOAT!! LOLOOOL

@Dehbishop St Georges Cross is the red cross over the white background and it represents england, not wales OR ireland.

@EjvindDark Perhaps, but the in the Columbine massacre there were two of them ('Harry' and 'Ron'), and they killed themselves in the cafeteria of the school, whereas Dunblane was one middle-aged man who killed himself in the school gym.

LOL, Frankie at 0:45 Columbine reference

"Show us where Dumbledore touched you," said the Judge. "Show us on the doll."

No one is too old for harry potter =p

Unhelpful Things to Say in a Crisis: "I know, why don't we get the UN involved" XD

@x0th101 And thanks to youtube and dave, everything else can too!

3:25 (Andy Parsons screams)

Well, she did have a hilarious scene at 0:13. :)

unhelpful things to say in a crisis. bugger.

@Awesomegirl9088 I almost pissed myself laughing at that line....

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. - C. S. Lewis

Frankie didn't even look at the category when he walked up. i hate fake shit :p

"....ARGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

@IAmGenerationPotter Whose line is it anyway?

I think it was a reference to Lord of Flies, however I have no idea what it has to do with Harry Potter.

first time i heard it, i cried with laughter for about 10 minutes. second time round, it just isnt the same... :(

@AvengerDanXD Columbine high school massacre. Two students went on a shooting spree before killing themselves in the school cafe. It's a very famous case.

ED BYRNE!!!!

Unhelpful things to say in a crisis "Well...just got one piece of advice for you all. EVERYONE PANIC! WE'RE ALL FUCKED!"

here, here

Half-men Half-Horse. As in they got human torso arms and head, but a horses legs. Well you could say that you replace the head + neck of a Horse with a Human Stomach, Back, Arms and head you get the picture

What was the cafeteria one about

can someone please explan the first frankie boyle joke?

Can someone explain the "14th century text" joke at 2:57 to me?

or become one....with all the knowledge one attains during life

@0:45 Frankie Boyle you legend!!!!!!!! :L

can someone explain the cafeteria joke at 0:45

Unhelpful things to say in a crisis: Scotland is here to help

Love the columbine reference

Oh frankie :)

reference to school massacres

what does the cafeteria joke mean?

Frankie was a bit eager at the start wasn't he?

I think it's meant as phallic imagery

what are the beeps for?

ngl i dont get the turned the wands on themselves

@smeg12345 I think he's talking about how the british flag is made up of three flags which use to reprecent Scotland, England and Ireland.

was that the two boys who played too much DOOM?

@smeg12345 you don't watch too much QI, do you? "Britain" is often used to mean the entire UK, and that context is what i was referring to, as the term "Britain" was used in your comment. otherwise i would have said 'UK', as i usually do. last time i checked, NI was part of the UK (it may have changed while my back was turned..), so therefore, 'Britain' & 'British' would also include NI, but not ROI...

was frankie ever on the losing team? ;

@x0th101 i miss herpies

Harry Potter and the other actors who didn't actually read the book

I wouldn't say that

I think they've probably just seen the films ...

1:09 = Aberforth Dumbledor?

i am lord voldemort... and i am an alcaholic

What episode is this?