My Brother Doesn’t Want His Son (We’re Adopting Him) 

You are doing something better than many people do with their whole lives. Some heroes don't wear capes.

I did a kinship adoption and bio mom has almost no contact due to her choice. I am most definitely mom and bio mom doesn’t have a way in how I raise my daughter. Good luck to you. I’m glad you’re there for your niece.

I know someone who has done exactly what you are doing as far as serving as stepping in to parent a young girl that they have no actual legal right to be officially the parents. In their case, they aren't even related---the biological parents were just friends who were temporarily homeless and living at my friend's house with their baby girl. The parents moved out and it just sort of developed that their daughter ended up staying at my friend's house 99% of the time. My friend, her husband, and her extended family love this child with all of their hearts and it's been a delicate dance over the years to avoid pissing off the biological mother so that the bio mom doesn't assert her right to custody again. The good news is that the bio mom doesn't REALLY want to have the hassle of caring for her daughter and always ends up returning her quickly on those rare occasions that the child goes to visit. Baby girl is now thirteen and has done very well. At this point she is also old enough that she would make it almost impossible for her mother to keep her for any length of time, because the child has no interest in leaving the people who have become her true family. Above all, I hope that you remain in your niece's life as much as possible just being a NORMAL, loving, and positive presence---even if you can't get legal custody. I was raised by a single mother who did the best that she could but my upbringing was a little chaotic and solitary (never abusive though). Anyway, I would not be the well-adjusted adult that I am without those aunts and neighbors who welcomed me into their homes with positive love and nurturing stability.

I have two family members who have done this, for family twice removed. Wouldn't dream of changing the child's name. I foster dogs and I WOULDN'T do that to a DOG!

You need a family lawyer and you need Court Mandated Parenting Plans. Ask for a Guardian Ad Litem, to investigate all the possible plans and protocols that will be best for this child. You want to adopt her, the mother doesn't want that, but the mother isn't caring for the girl at all. So you need the Court's assistance to better define this arrangement moving forward. The Guardian Ad Litem [GAL] argues for the well being for the child, regardless what the adults believe. Let the GAL do the job of checking in with both sides and the GAL will know and prove what is best for that child. DON'T CONTACT CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES. Since this was not done IN COURT to begin with, there are some legal inconsistencies, and you don't need 'law enforcement' mucking up the path moving forward. TAKE THE INITIATIVE, AND LET THE COURT ESTABLISH LEGAL PLANS, PROCEDURES AND PROTOCOLS FOR THE MOM AND YOURSELVES. If you haven't already, your family needs to see a Family Counselor, and the child would fare better with a counselor on her own. She needs the reassurance that she must tell the truth in court, as to where she feels better: her own mother or this new home. The counselor can also help her navigate balancing her well being in your home, with visitation with her mom, that she loves. Sure, mom can refuse to let you adopt, but the COURT MUST DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD, AND THE COURT HAS THE LEGAL AUTHORITY TO DETERMINE VISITATION SCHEDULING, HER PARENTING PLAN OF WHAT SHE MUST DO WITH THIS CHILD, HOW DECISIONS ARE MADE FOR THE CHILD, AND THE COURT CAN DEMAND CHILD SUPPORT TO YOU, FROM MOM! The Mom thinks she has all the control, but SHE ISN'T CARING FOR THE CHILD, THAT STRIPS A LOT OF CONTROL FROM HER. GET A LAWYER, GO TO COURT, GET A PARENTING PLAN IN PLACE WITH DEDICATED VISITATION DATES/TIMES, AND CHILD SUPPORT. See a Judge and a GAL will want to know: what is the end game of this arrangement? Are you keeping the child- temporarily- until mom can get a job and pay for the child? Or has mom decided she can't keep the child in her own home, and wants someone else to pay all the bills while she can manipulate the situation to her own best interest? You and your lawyer need to develop clear cut Plans, and options you would find acceptable: such as shared custody, where she pays you child support, when the girl is in your home. She SHOULD KEEP THE GIRL IN HER OWN HOME, SOME OF THE TIME. THAT IS HER RESPONSIBILITY. If she cannot do that, you need a JUDGE TO DEMAND SHE CARE FOR THE CHILD, PAY CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE CHILD, or the mother is not a good place for the child and terminate her rights. Try waching some of the Child Custody and Child Support hearings on RU-vid. They can be infuriating, but give you some insight into the process.

Yes 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I agree, except the child is two. It's not something a 2 year old can understand. Call your child by their middle name or give them a loving nickname. Our oldest son has his father's and grandfather's name but is called and strongly identifies with his nickname, which is a variation of his intials.

@@tupelohoney622 2 year olds can most definitely understand that people have names and sometimes people have the same name. A 2 year old will respond to a new nickname too. They're a lot smarter than you think. Getting the child involved is a good way to go but of course be age appropriate..if he says he wants to be Spiderman or Batman...Peter or Bruce makes more sense.

@@soulanstreets222My two year old would name himself Birdie or Book if I let him

My opinion is wait until the child tells you they want a name change before making new name suggestions. If the adoptive parent expresses dislike for the child’s name they might misinterpret that or only be doing it to please you.

Beautiful!❤

❤

Exactly. He got this one right.

I usually don't agree with Dr. Delony, and I don't agree here either. If the name leaves a bad taste in your mouth, change it. The birth father shouldn't get a say in this matter. Hell, the only people who should have a say are the parents. The birth father has ceded that right.

@@kjwhitty8820 I would say keep it quite no need to argue with either brother. Then do what's right for the child, wife and caller.

@@Moonflowers11 I agree.

Absolutely, I still remember my first day at Miss Ludlow’s Little School. I was 2 in the 3 yr old class. I zoned out my first day and didn’t answer roll call. A giant came over,put her fingers under my chin. Are you Loranna? Of course I knew my name. I just didn’t know the system. I came in a couple of weeks after things started.

So TRUE.

Disagree. Change his name, and he will learn... don't raise him Junkie Jr..

I disagree, this kid needs a new beginning and a new name.

I disagree. If the child's name leaves a bad taste in your mouth because you associate it with the father that failed this child, by all means change his name. I firmly believe this child, when older, will appreciate his name being changed from a name of a man that wasn't an appropriate father. This is about your family now.

Did bio dad come in and try establishing himself as the real father without actually being a real father? I agree with John that the brother will do that here (if he isn't in prison)

You are totally qualified to comment, so many people are talking about it as though they know what it's like 😂

​@deez2569 Agreed. Frankly, everyone's arguments are "don't take the last part of this little boys identity", he's 2, he'll never even remember having another name. I understand where they're coming from and considering they're taking on alot, I feel like if choosing his name would make them feel more like a family, then they should go for it. I'm sure this little boy would much rather have the love of a real family, than the name of a crappy deadbeat.

@@deez2569I didn’t experience this first hand but I know what professionals who have worked hundreds of child welfare cases have said. They say it is usually detrimental if the child is at an age to where they answer to that name. A name you don’t use or a last name may not be because little kids don’t typically use their last names as much. Imagine his little friends in preschool asking him why his name changed and his little brain trying to understand it. Poor kid.

@@jmal529 Yes. No one wants to identify with a deadbeat! My son still suffers. Same name.

@@anndeecosita3586 He is 2 years old. No one will ask that question. lol

Excellent advice.

Maggiel. Yes. Thank you. No need to carry the losers name. My son still suffers. Same name. I didn't know.

Why? He will be their child now.

​@@karyndewit193he is a child with an identity, not a posession.

Different scenario BOTH my mom and dad were called by their middle name and when signing legal documents it was just the letter of their first name, their complete middle name and then their last name. Very interesting stories: My maternal grandmother liked 2 names but liked the combination of the first name and the middle name better than the middle name and then the first name. So she chose the first name/middle name and called her by her middle name. My father was called Sonny because he was my paternal grandmother's son. Then once he started kindergarten, there were 5 boys in his class whose first names were the same. So by the time the teacher got to him, she had run out of any variations of his first name. So she told him that he would be called by his middle name. (Now before anyone gets upset, both of my parents were born in 1928, a LONG time ago when things were very different in schools.) Since Dad had never been called anything other than Sunny it was fine with him. So for the rest of his school life he was called by his middle name. His parents didn't start calling him by his middle name until after he returned from navy boot camp.

That was my thinking, or perhaps calling him by a nickname. As a child in the 50's all of my siblings and I had a nickname that we answered to. If we were called by our given name AND our last name we knew we were in serious trouble. My 2 sons also had nicknames until they entered grade school as the kids liked to pick on children who were different. I still have a nickname, a different one that the one I had as a child, but a nickname given to me by my church family with whom I have a very special bond.

I use middle name ,have since I was little...I was named after an aunt that didn't like me and I ended up not liking her either....works great when it's an official call It's under my first name ,if it's friends then I'm called by my middle.

Or call him by his middle name.

Completely agree. If the child comes and say hey don’t call me by the same name as my bio father, I’m right there with them but it’s their call. I won’t potentially steal their identity

Or start of by calling him “Buddy”, “Your my little Buddy, & I love you,” then, using “Buddy” is NOT a huge mind warp. Instead, it is a term of ENDEARMENT.

@@jangrosemartindale8740 YES! A nickname!

I know a very loving, experienced foster mom who adopted several of her foster children and gave them all new names. She says those names with so much love and affection. For the children it was a new start.

The boy is 2 years old. lol. He won't remember hardly anything. Change his name now, at 2. Just start calling him, by his new name. He won't have to identify by his abuser. The young uncle is correct.

I wish I could like this 100 more times.

Of course he is disrespecting the guy. The fact that he isn't worthy of respect doesn't change the fact it is disrespectful. It just means it being disrespectful isn't a reason not to do it.

Absolutely this!

Totally agree! He can go by a nickname or middle name until he is old enough to legally decide.

My thoughts exactly!

Agree 100%. Wonder Hubbie’s name is Martin Lee Martindale- he doesn’t use his first name (Uncle’s name) AT ALL.

Yes nickname is good

Right ? It’s called the family bailout system . Why change yourself when someone can clean up your mess ?

In THIS case the brother is saving his NEPHEW!

@@22lyric yeah, but at the expense of his life and dreams deferred. I hope it works out for him.

Codependency? It's called being a decent human being. I wouldn't even leave a bird or reptile with an abusive owner...

I adopted two from the foster care system and I charged both of their names.

I raised 5 kids and I agree. Use the middle name.

Took me 50 years to appreciate my given name. Even my siblings offered to pay the legal expenses as soon as I was old enough, but due to so many legal issues within the family at the time, it got placed on the back burner. I still dislike the name, just as much as I ever have, I’ve come to realize that it has its benefits.

I agree with all of this.

I disagree. I also changed my name as an adult. I was named after my abusive father (female name equivalent). I HATED the name as a child, and I hate the name now. A child's name is 100% wrapped in their identity. You said it yourself. I understand that changing a child's name should be a BIG deal. This is the only situation I can understand doing something like this. I changed my name when I got married. They told me I could change my name to whatever I wanted, and I said.... FINALLY. I erased that crap. It wasn't a magical experience for me. It just felt overdue. I think the parents should pick a few names and get the child involved. Tell him to pick a name that makes him feel GOOD and POWERFUL. If the child really doesn't want to, then leave him alone. But I think you and I both know the kid will most likely want to change his name. Who the heck wants the honor of being named after their abusive parent? I think no one.

Sometimes you just make the decision for the child. Changing this child’s age is the best thing.

@@samanthasmiles9112well, the little boy is two, but he’s going to be their son now so they should name him.

Thsts what I was waiting for…are they ready for the bio mom’s family to show up too? This very young couple needs support, their lives are going to dram a filled

This sounds like a case where mom is gone

Right? What happened to women stepping up for their kids. Ugh this world! I don’t agree with name change. And you never know! His dad may change.. he may find Jesus and find his TRUE identity is in him. Addicts get sober EVERYDAY!

@@chay516I didn’t hear the caller say where the mother was but the child was living with dad before CPS became involved and he only mentioned dad signing over his rights. Mom might be dead.

@@chay516 You love fantasy, huh? Change name of 2 year old. No one needs to be saddled with a loser's name.

Why not a middle name and give him the choice what he wants to be called?

Yes, exactly.

@@someone3187why be tied to the past?

That is different. Your kids were old enough and choose that for themselves.

Its wasn't their choice when they are under your influence and having that pressure to fulfill the role of being your biological child in order to not be abandoned again.

@@loveubye2288 actually it was thier choice. In our case the 2 children asked us if they could change thier first names. We said they could if they wanted and they picked! We will change our adopted kids names if we adopt babies. We currently have a placement looking like it's going to adoption. We will not be changing this childs name. I feel like it's child and situation specific.

thank you!

It’s never too late to start another new beginning.

I had a friend who was named after his father. His father left when he was very young. His mother and stepfather called him a shortened version of his first name because the stepfather didn't like being reminded of the ex. My friend had issues his entire life due to not being called his "real" name. I guess everyone is different, but it caused major issues for him.

Were you ever adopted out of foster care? I adopted two from the foster care system and changed both of their names.

Absolutely. I agree.

How about Abigail as a name?

@@texan903 Abigail is pretty, but I still wouldn't use it LOL 😅

The child is 2 years old and does not need his loser, bio dad's name. He will identify with that pain, his whole life. He needs a new name. He will still have same LAST NAME.

Yeah, it's definitely a him problem and not a problem for the kid. My hats off to this guy for taking in his nephew. But I had a friend who was raised by his mother and his stepfather and they called him a shortened version of his first name. They did this because he was named after his bio dad and stepfather didn't like the reminder of his wife's ex. My friend had issues his entire life about the way his "name change" was handled. He died in his 70s and woudl still get visibly angry if someone called him that old name.

The child is two. He knows his name. How do you know how changing it will or won’t affect him?

Definitely. It’s the right decision to change his name.

@@kristinjayne6720barely. He won’t remember his name. I changed both of my kids’ names some and it was a great decision for them.

@@kristinjayne6720 Because it's normal in the adoptive community to change names even at 2 and older and the kids are fine.

Agreed!

Sometimes a disconnect between a child and his biological parents is the best thing for the child.

There already IS a disconnect between the child and bio parents. They did it.

Here in the US it's the norm in the adoptive community, even with preschoolers and the vast majority of kids do just fine with it.

I respectfully disagree. Stop the adoption drama. It is not always traumatic. (left a longer comment earlier)

@@ellekirk7369 No drama. Just common sense reality and visits with many adoptees, including my own. However, I understand if you changed your child's name and this touched a nerve with you. I suggest you read "The Primal Wound", by Nancy Verrier.

It’s his dad’s name who threw him away like trash

He is 2 years old. he has no clue about any identity. lol He needs new name, to love.

@@OopThereItIs77777 Yes, People don't get that. Amazing. Who wants to identify with a loser?

I cant imagine a child brain trying to make sense of why they are being called a new name all of a sudden. Sad..

@@tcggggg It happens all the time with adopted kids even at 2 and older. The kids do just fine with it.

LOVE IT!

I adopted a daughter from China, used her Chinese name as her middle name and let her older sister choose from 3 names for her new sister's first name. She was 17 months old, it was not difficult for anyone

I agree!! Also, at 2 years of age, even though the little boy knows his current name, changing it at this point wouldn't be a big issue with regards to his identity. I've studied language development and teach languages to children and adults. There is a 100% fluency rate up to age 4, then it decreases over time the older the child gets (there are exceptions, of course). People saying it's traumatic, it can't be more traumatic than the bio family. What this child needs is a stable point of reference (AKA stable parent figure(s)). It really is no big deal and it is in the child's best interest, IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD COUNT!!!

@@pattyrodriguez2 Yes.

All he has to do is start calling him by a different name. I never legally, changed my birth first name and call myself something else. I checked into it. As long as you don't do it for a criminal reason, it is ok to do.

I dont know, I had a friend whose mother and stepfather called him by a shortened version of his first name. He didn't find out until he was 16 that that wasn't his name and that his stepfather wasn't his bio father. He had major issues his entire life due to that and he would get extremely angry when people called him by that shortened name. He passed away in his 70s and still got angry over being called that nickname.

No they are not. Its actively discouraged for the reasons mentioned in my comments. Adoptive agencies actively discourage against changing an adopted childs name, its another rejection of what is theirs.

He’s more courageous than you

Its not that complicated to phase out the old name for a new and to legally change it. Especially at that age. The kid will not even remember the old name eventually

They can change the name when he’s adopted. And it’s funny that everyone in the comments that was adopted as a young child has said to change his name now, because as he gets older he’ll know that was the name of the abuser/person who didn’t care about them. But, the ones that are saying “keep his name” have never been that unwanted child. 🤷‍♀️

Do you understand that's his brother and they actually going to have contact? This isn't a closed adoption between strangers.