This is pretty overwhelming. At 64 and having been like this my whole life I just accepted I was weird and had little or nothing in common with the people around me; certainly never met another woman I could talk to about it. So there are other people like this? I don't know what to do with this! I've pretty much come to terms with it over the years so maybe nothing but it's good to know there is at least a tiny group of people like me.
Thank you for making this, I identify with enough of this that I was in tears. I'm still not sure, as a grandmother to 7, if it's worth the cost and risk of further gaslighting to seek a diagnosis, but this has made me feel like I've got one more piece of the puzzle. Thank you!
I actually had a very similar childhood. Art was always my savior from my social awkwardness in school. Now grown up, I have two autistic children of my own, and my main priority is to help encourage them to be themselves and do what makes them happy. I also loved the TY beanie babies, and my favorite one was the sea otter. Love your videos, keep sharing your story, because so many girls need to hear it!
Thabks so much for your support! No wonder art is used as a form as therapy because it certainly works for me 💕 I struggle with my fertility but I really hope one day I can have kids and be an autism mum myself ❤️
Hey, I can relate to almost all of what you're saying, except for me it was writing that "kept me alive". School was absolutely horrendous!! To this day I hate giving speeches or presentations. Standing in front of a crowd makes me incredibly anxious. I've been diagnosed when I was 26, I'm 28 now and I still struggle to come to terms with my diagnosis. I've always felt so different from everybody around me and I was discriminated and bullied because of it, not only by my my peers but by my teachers who judged me for being so shy and quiet and called me lazy, because I wouldn't raise my hand in class. Even pre-school felt like a nightmare. Throughout all of this, writing was my only outlet and the only thing that kept me going. I've learned to read and write very early on in life, because I was fascinated by all those different books and stories. Maybe it was because I had no idea how else to express myself or I just wanted to hide within another world. Having an undiagnosed condition like autism can be a rather painful experience. I'm glad more people are aware of it nowadays, although there's a lot of work to be done, still. (I'm sorry if I misspelled anything, English isn't my first language) 🤭
I totally understand this. Very sad that you were so misunderstoof by yours peers and teachets. We are often labelled as lazy by people because they dont understand the difficulties with executive function that autistic people face. So glad you found a way to express yourself and escape. I think escapeism is a copong mechanism especially for autistic people. 💕
@@charldavies yeah what you said about escapism is totally right. Like when I was little I noticed a guy who was sitting and looked like he is deep in his thoughts. And I thought " hey! That is a good idea, if the world outside is so difficult to take in,then why not create a world in my imagination and keep imagining like this. And besides it would also make me look like I "chose" to be alone rather than making me look lonely because nobody wants to be my friend". And that is how I chose escapism through imagination consciously. But that created a lot of problems to me later on in life . If I am not wrong executive dysfunction in me was a result of this, I guess.
Oddly enough, I came into my own in high school when I embraced my art and theater. I was ALWAYS mimicking sounds and doing impersonations ever since I can remember. I’m guessing that was my own form of echolalia (just like in Rainman where he imitates the radio station over and over again). So, theater came naturally to me, and the character would “take over” when we were rehearsing. My friends never minded because they were doing it with me, and also theater geeks. Internally, I loved it, because it felt like I was taking a vacation from myself. I could be this bulletproof character. I could morph into something and become something, and disappear at the same time… Just goes to show how we all learned to cope in different ways!
I hope you’re feeling much better now and I’m glad your surgery went so well. There is SO much to relate to here! I also had a breakdown at 19. I had had an awful time at high school socially and struggled with the reduced routine and casual guidance at college. I got really depressed around 19 because I kept getting sacked from jobs, for not fitting in, despite trying my hardest to integrate. I hadn’t gone away to university, which was something I wanted to do my whole life. Looking back though, I’m glad I didn’t go. I would have seriously struggled with the absence of a tight routine and wishy washy instructions. I need routine and precise instructions to thrive. I’m every bit intelligent enough (I was an A student) but I would have majorly struggled. I always wondered why I was so different from everyone else Great video - stay well 💗
Thanmyou so much! I too struggled with university and hoped that with diversity that people would be more accepting but I couldn't have been more wrong. Standing in front of the class to talk about ny drawings was hell and I almost failed my final major project because of te intense anxiety that came with public speaking. I only wish i mnew I was autistic then as everything would have been much easier. Thankyou for your support :)
Same here. And I also was quite as a kid, never had many or any friends. Always weird. But the worst part for me - I never had real passion for anything, and I'm too scared to go out, everything leads to meltdowns. I am not independent, and I'm depressed most of the time, because I don't see a way out of this, and I don't have any support whatsoever.. So although I'm self aware - it does nothing good for me.
I am so happy i found your channel Charl. I can relate so much to your childhood that it is scary. I am so sorry about the loss of your daddy at such young age. Imma subscribe and keep myself notified of your updates. Thank you for your viss, it helps me coping with my (undiagnosed) spectrum. Stay strong ❤️😍
I am completely blown away by how much I relate to your experience. I am 17 and always thought I had only social anxiety. Art was my escape from the world too for when I turned 13 I got completely obsessed with psychology because I was soo extremely confused by how other people function and why I was so different and felt so out of place it is only now that my psychologist gave me a book about autism in females that I understand what has been going on all this time. And I am relieved beyond the stars for potentially have found an answer and that I don’t have to force myself beyond madness to fit in and desperately try to be like everyone else.
Your experiences match mine to a T. I was never bored as a child, my imagination was so vivid and I would act out scenerios with my beanie babies, polly pockets, etc. I went through at least 5 drawing pages a day for years, and when I hit 13 I quit and mainly focused on how to be like others and find my perfect persona that would be accepted. I changed how I walked, talked and made facial expressions because I was bullied about it all. Age 17 and on I pretty much had what I thought was "Me" nailed because I was experiencing acceptance and what I thought was love from my peers. I am 27 now and recently diagnosed myself with autism because I've been on a quest my whole life to figure out why my brain is so different and why I am so observant. Sorry, Im just so effing glad I found your content, you and a few others helped me realize so much and set me free. 💜
Indentity, masking and personas. That probably why I can't into long term relationship. I have to many personalties. One minute I'm all alpha males and confident not stop chatting to women. No one believes that I do get social anxiety. Then I get burn out and I don't say anything nervous. Deep in though. I don't know if any other men have a alpha male persona when talking to women. Like if you act like you have aspergers, you get friend zone and pitted by women. So over time I want women to know the naturally me, Which is quiet, clever shy and though full. It was getting confident talking to women is were I accidentally discovered masking before I knew what it was. Make eye contact, strong body language, read facial expression. So sub conscience masking behaviour. Ohh this video is about childhood. My childhood was Rubbish I did well in maths in school and history, I was fastest in the school in the 200 meters. So I did well to achieve any thing at school, Being Unknown aspergers as it was back then. Unknown ASD level 1 now.
It is so cool to hear you talk about things I see in myself and my daughter. I always loved tiny objects and toys and she does now too, she is always the boss of games that her friends play she makes the rules and tells everyone what to do, I like your videos and hope you make more someday:) you and aspie world and mom on the spectrum, you guys help me feel confident in knowing my daughter and I are autistic and connecting our life experiences to your life experiences through the internet is a blessing ❤
Amazing video, truly! I go into every video about autism thinking to myself “don’t just try to see yourself in every experience”, but I authentically see myself in your experiences. Particularly at age four, speaking only to family, and being stuck on the outside from the other kids. I remember feeling devastated when I was mimicking behaviours of the other kids and it got me in trouble, because I was disruptive! I was just trying to be good. I have big hopes for future autistic girls, because of videos like yours. 💕Take care, Charl!
I started drawing very early too. I was always better at drawing than others my age. I always found it very soothing and a break from the social aspects of school. It was never appreciated or encouraged though. I never thought it was anything to be proud of
I atleast remember 5 when started for school when was on the playground think lasted months stood in the corner at break times of the play ground and didn’t move from that spot. Then had friend and few.
I also may have seemed bossy remember first time being described as domineering by year 5 teachers as seem like with group tasks i liked to lead and direct
I am 50 years old with no diagnosis, but my childhood was very similar. I only talked to people that I knew, and my report card comments were always the same : " . . very smart, but needs to participate more in class!" I also cried constantly when it was time for school, and made up reasons not to go, just because I wanted to stay home. To this day, my parents still insist I was just "smart & shy." Autism was not really diagnosed in the 1970's, especially in girls with few atypical traits. I noticed that I was different when 8 years old (though I have verified clear memories back to 2-3 years of age), and it got worse from there. I was obsessed with reading, pets and cleaning my toys. Always got along with teachers, but rarely my classmates, and was bullied a lot. By studying others, I learned decent social skills, and generally work 1-2 full time jobs(ADHD, haha!) I am currently pursuing an M.A. in Autism, and would like to specialize in under diagnosis of female traits. My other interests (presently) include genealogy, historic preservation - and reading. . :) I wish you luck on your medical issues. Sending peace and happiness!
Thankyou so much for making this video, Charl. I'm so sorry you lost your Dad when you were 10. Made me very sad to hear that. I hated school and remember crying on a daily basis before school, often I'd be hanging onto my mum's hand while the teacher was pulling me with the other 😔 I'd usually end up staying home one day a week because I'd make myself so sick from the anxiety I felt. I remember a few times in primary school where I actually threw up in class 😔 I also had an overwhelming feeling of being hyper self aware as a child. Sometimes it happens now and takes me right of guard and I feel like I'm totally shutting down and just need to get home. Being accused of lying was always the worst because my reaction as an Aspie wouldn't fit what my teachers or parents were looking for and now I still react in a similar way if someone asks me if I'm telling the truth. I used to fantasize that The TARDIS would appear in the playground and The Doctor (Tom Baker) would step out and say, "Would you like a jelly baby?" And then he'd save me from the horrors of school as an undiagnosed autistic girl and we would go and explore the universe. Obviously I was a die hard Doctor Who fan. Also loved music, singing, collecting the bird cards out of the box of tea and drawing. High school and puberty was confusing and I developed an eating disorder. Apparently in girls on the spectrum this is pretty common. It had nothing to do with wanting to look like celebrities but more that with my changing body I no longer felt like me anymore. I still feel like this and have been the same weight my adult life.
Just realizing that im the only one analyzing people on the bus the other day . After that I tell myself maybe they don't like that but Ill be doing it anyway😂
I was pretty socially aware for a boy. 😁 I was diagnosed at around 6 years old. Not much was known about autism back then so my parents had no Idea what to do. They were afraid to tell me about my diagnosis. They were just trying to protect me so I understand. I found out pretty fast. about a year after I was diagnosed I walked into my mom's room and just bluntly asked her what was "wrong" with me. I can't even imagine what it must have felt like to hear your kid just bluntly ask something like that. I was bullied a lot in school. Teachers had no idea how to relate to me. I had a couple of teachers that were really sweet ladies though. I was always really into music, video games, movies and television shows. I was obsessed with the Simpson's, the home alone movies and Tony hawks pro skater. I still have my troubles with social awareness, but I have grown to love myself more and more everyday. I still get a little nervous in social environments but marijuana helps a lot with that. I gonna start going to school soon and I have been playing guitar for a while now which has been something I have wanted to do for my whole life. I'm doing ok with life now. 😁😎
That's so interesting, marijuana actually makes me extremely paranoid because I loose the ability to mask properly and engage in conversation. I'm even worse at following their words and understanding the things they say. If I'd just stop trying so hard I think it would be fun but it's so hard to let it go so I get lost in my thoughts and just go completely mute while everyone else seems to be doing just fine. It's really stressing me out because I had some amazing experiences in the past with my closest friends but nowadays I just start to panic :/ Glad you're doing fine! ☺️
Just watched your video that you did with TheAspieWorld on the differences between ADHD/ASD... This is enlightening information you guys are sharing! I don’t even wanna guess how many people you are helping that are undiagnosed. Especially older folks like myself. Unrelated, I just laughed at myself for taking WAY too long to peg your nationality. I got almost to the end of the ADHD/ASD video before it twigged that you have a Welsh accent. I am Welsh myself but I live in The States... Whenever I hear a welsh accent out and about (which is practically never lol) I notice that familiar sound. Makes me miss my Brecon. Xxoo
I can relate to the majority of this, i was very imaginative, had a bit of separation anxiety too. I was very attached to my mother, and was the poster child of a mamas boy lol. I grew out of it as I got older though. My fixations were transportation, architecture, maps, cartoons, urban planning, geography, art too actually, and social and health topics. Elementary school was cool, kids were nicer and cool to me, and it was easier to bond, because we watched the same cartoons on Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Disney, played with toy cars, Barbie Dolls, Bratz Dolls, Polly Pockets, Action Figures, video games, played on the playgrounds during recess. When middle school came, it was rough, because kids start to develop horomones, and they become meaner and more exclusionary. I did struggle in times at school with being sociable My autistic traits stood out more in middle school. I always got along with my teachers well, and they all thought that I was a good student, but rarely got along with my classmates in middle school. But Middle school is hell for anyone, even for NTs who are different. I can easily mask as a normal NT person, but I have my moments of social awkwardness and stimming, and I can talk about the same things lots, so there are still those autistic traits in me still.
As The Aspie World said. I miss you. It’s been a bit since you’ve uploaded. Where’d you go? I love your engaging and informative videos. I’m a 29 year old male autistic. It’s great to hear from others diagnosed late like myself. Come back pretty please.
Wow ok so I can so relate to analyzing things and looking at behaviors and looking at environment looking at things from different points of view and almost being obsessive over it on and why the outcomes would be how that person may feel and if there's anything I can do to help them. And it always goes back to how would I feel in the situation. My mom even told me I should be a counselor or psychologist but I always feel like I'm incapable of accomplishing anything could be as easy as making a meal or going to the grocery store. I am studying certain things to help me with my son being that I think he is high-functioning autistic but all of this brought me down a rabbit hole to looking at myself and thinking maybe I'm autistic
Ooh your minimal makeup or casual look showcases your natural features well. Your face is quite lovely because it seems to follow a homogenous regional classification of phentypes, aaand again great presentation of substantive vid content. Later
Hello Miss Sunhine, I love the way you're talking about your childhood. I can compare to a lot of stuff, but first of all to your positive attitude and vibes. Thanks for beeing such a proud Aspie. I will send your videos to my family and friends to explain myself better. Best wishes from Germany.
Thank you so much for this candid story. I have watched it twice now. I have shared it with others. It is so meaningful and helpful. Bless you. Keep telling your story and keep being yourself. I love how you are unashamed of where you were, but are continuing to mature and develop into a powerful, best version of yourself.
Yes! I knew in elementary that I was different. I've always studied people and their mannerisms, knowing that I wasn't going it right. Everybody seems so comfortable and natural,in the way the related or came together socially. I mimicked a English accent for half a school year 🤷♀️ still obsessed with UK shoes and period pieces lol. I started reading about how people worked and phycology really young. And I love mini things too! But singing, mermaids and seshells are life. Ty babies and Polly pockets were a thing for me too haha! So much of this rang. The reading in front of people/presentations in general took years off my life. I would look for the passage that would be mine like "ok I'm 3 paragraphs away" and would read it over and over until my turn. I would have meltdowns (from trying to fit in) when I came home but never at school. I would hold everything in and then explode into tears and rage......happy to see you're doing better. I also have endometriosis and it's no joke xo . I was diagnosed at 32 btw but it was all there :/
School was like being electrically shocked all the time in a dark fog. It’s hard for me to remember a lot of it as I was so overwhelmed. I think a good word is dread. I really dreaded school. I have strong memories of nursery school and screaming and crying when mum left me at school. I remember riding around in a circle on a trike screaming and crying. I bunked off most of year 8 of high school. Went to the shops all day which was so boring. Eventually got caught and ended up playing by the schools rules. Looking back at it I viewed other students as ‘2 dimensional’ AAAS I couldn’t understand their thoughts, feelings and motivations. I didn’t respond well to standard info spoon fed to me in a classroom setting. I likes university more as it encourages independent thought.
Hi I think I may have endometriosis. I just wanted to ask you some questions and see if you can maybe help. I am having a lot of the Endo symptoms but I am not having blood in my wee or poo and it doesn't hurt when I wee. They are symptoms though when I read about it online. Did you have these symptoms ? Also I am autistic :)
We were just talking about the lived experience of someone with a disability today in my ‘gender sexuality and disability class’. As a 22 year old female who is currently waiting for an assessment (I’m due for it soon) this was really helpful to hear and did make me feel validated. Art and fictional worlds (particularly Harry Potter and the wizarding world) have always been my escape, and still are. I really appreciate this video and the work you’re doing to raise awareness. Also, your hair looks amazing!
Hi Charl, saw your video with Dan over at the aspie world. Cool video. Why you are scared to offend or hurt someone? Because it happens a lot with aspie's and you are most likely a perfectionist who wants to be good to everyone.
My childhood was pretty similar. I was pretty much always the quiet kid in class, always getting ignored, excluded, etc and not knowing why. I did play pretend with kids but it was rare, I didnt even like childrens shows as a small child because i felt that they were unrealistic! I still feel that way at times and can almost never get myself to watch something fictional. I know it sounds awful but for a long time I never really seemed to think anything was wrong with me (other than depression/anxiety) and that there was just something wrong with 90 percent of people out there lol. I just stopped trying to fit in after a while and basically only talked if people came up to me first, and I still am that way. I started researching autism on behalf of my husband, who is pretty much a textbook case of being neurodivergent. He has extreme interest and knowledge of a few subjects, doesnt understand how tone of voice changes the meaning of something, cant tell when people are getting bored, etc. I came across a link that talked about why women on the spectrum are often misdiagnosed or missed entirely and suddenly I found many, many shared experiences. I go back and forth on whether or not I want to pursue a diagnosis because I feel like I am so good at putting on a mask that they will assume I'm normal, even though I score pretty high on every autism spectrum quiz I have taken. And i also go back and forth because although people think of me as socially awkward and quiet, i give less fucks about fitting in haha.
I can relate to everything here completely as a 24 year old female waiting for an assessment. Because I was so shy and reserved, they assumed my behaviour was "fine" or "normal". As a toddler I would amuse myself completly and crawl away from family and be more hyperfocused on a puzzle or a ball or finding a family pet to sit by instead of being cuddled etc. School was horrible, I was left out, spent so many play times on my own, I carried around certain objects that made me feel safe like I used to take those sand/bean filled creatures, I had a lizard one and I loved it, the other kids found it weird and would take my stuff etc, I grew up in an abusive environment so a lot of my behaviour would be blamed on that rather than I was battling so many other things inside on my own and often told I was being dramatic or silly, it's made things really really difficult and sometimes feels worse at this age with finding suitable paid work and work life balance, I am exhausted frequently.
We had like the same life except mine were animals and then art. And I think the answer of how you do it is that while I knew I was weird and different as a child you think you’re an actual alien first then get to the conclusion that other kids aren’t analyzing behavior and that parent ending to be caracteres isn’t what they do and that it’s not working. Your last message is beautiful thank you. I was also diagnosed recently at 24. I guess I’ll share too so thanks to being so interested in animals I think that somewhat saved me a bit because it forced me to be very empathetic especially to body language however as an adult it kinda gets in the way because people make micro expressions quite a lot and sometimes I ask if they’re accept when they aren’t a lot. As you said as a child I was always just fine being alone doing my thing most days and then it started hitting me around 4th_5th grade that like other children were getting in to groups so I started trying and failing more leading to fear. But I always had friends they just weren’t friends with each other. I too had that teacher moment they considered holding me back but then didn’t because my mom fought.
Our childhoods are very similar! Love finding things in common with people. Today is 3 year anniversary since my autism diagnosis. So glad I’ve found your videos.
haha someone thumbs downed this...anyway, diagnosed at 28, your story resonates with me so much. It was so obvious looking back, and i often debate whether there is enough awareness nowadays that a child like me would be recognised as autistic or still fly under the radar. Thank you making videos like these x
Do you find you think visually more than in words? And trying to explain things to others feels a bit like trying to translate into a foreign language until you've developed a script on the subject? My "she's special" drawing was a redrawing a beauty and the beast picture that they thought I'd traced until they realized I didn't apparently. 🤖
I don't know what to do with my won life 🤦... Sadly I was never good at something that could "save me" from the world, except for hugging stuffed animals.
I appreciate your videos. My daughter has not received a diagnosis, but she is very similar to things you describe. She has high social anxiety, yet with her friends, she can be very gregarious. She can't order ice cream at Cold Stone or a meal in a restaurant, meet new kids, talk to people she doesn't know etc. However, like you, she has her own RU-vid channel where she shows wonderful personality that she would never show in person.
