My Faith Deconstruction | Why I'm No Longer a Christian 

Stepped away from Christianity officially this past week. Starting searching for deconstructing videos. Found yours. And it’s been so helpful. Thank you. 🙏🏻

Religion tends to breed insanely controlling narcissistic parents unfortunately. I’ve gone through it myself. I’ve had to totally cut family off in order to happily live my life with my wife and little family. Always look after your self ❤️

You know, I've always been an atheist, but I've been in various forums where people talk about how hurt they've been by religion, and evangelical christianity in particular, and I just feel so much compassion for you guys and the struggle you've gone through. There is so much love in this world and I don't care what anyone believes as long as they can put that above everything else. Proud of you!

Your videos are so raw for me. Married at 20 (evangelical raised) for 26 years. Raised my 3 kids the same. Now apologizing to them and definitely not religious. Thank you so much for posting these.

I left the evangelical religion in the late 1980s. I was gay and really struggling. The hell doctrine was also affecting me. I've learnt soooo much since then. Evangelical christianity can come across as so innocuous, but dig deeper and it is quite ugly. And watch out if you tell the church you want to leave because that's when the real, nasty manipulation ramps up!

THANK YOU for sharing your story!!! I'm so glad I found this channel. I married into this lifestyle 10 years ago. My ex came from a quiverfull-ish family, homeschooled and then later private schooled at a school ran by his church. I had been warned by insiders who had escaped that lifestyle and outsiders who were looking in that it was weird and dangerous and to stay away. I didn't believe them. Fast forward a few years and I would find myself a slave in my own home. No job, no vehicle, forced to homeschool 2 children, broke, depressed, suicidal suffering from crippling anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. All day, cook, clean, kids. We were poor. Our trailer was crumbling around us. We went months with no hot water and were always behind on bills. When I finally pleaded for my husband to get a better job, he accused me of being worldly and I needed to be content with what we had; that I was unhappy with our life because I was putting my faith in man (him) and not God. He took his role as man of the house quite seriously but did nothing to provide and protect, always instead, accusing me of simply not being content. He had me convinced the problem was with ME and always had scripture to support his claims. I thought maybe I truly wasn't being a good Christian so I decided to study the Bible from page one and learn theology so I can get on up to "his level" and be a better Christian like him. Like many apostates, that was the beginning of the end. I lost faith after a long terrifying and lonely struggle to make it all make sense. I tried to hide that I was no longer a Christian because I was so scared of what my husband would do to me if he ever found out. Eventually I had to “come out of the closet”. He knew he didn't have a way to control me anymore and he became hostile, nasty, and emotionally abusive - so I left. Now I’m on the outside looking in, seeing women my age working on their 6th, 7th, 8th child… far removed from the rest of society - just huddled about in their safe little bubble… enthusiastically embracing domestic slavery in the name of the lord. I have zero regrets. I am free and I will never go back to that.

What the heck is it with american christianity? Why force a three year old kid to read the sinners pray? I dont think such a young person even knows what that means.

Although I was not raised in a family that was religious (I would have loved it as a child if they were! - we could have been druids as far as my mom was concerned), I "felt the call" early in my life. I was always drawn to the church, looking back, probably because of how orderly and "nice" it seemed - especially when compared with my chaotic/abusive home. I got on a church bus as a 5 year old and went to church, where I was served kool-aid and cookies and told that Jesus loved me. I liked that part. Back then, there was not a separate, "children's church", so kids stayed in the sanctuary. I listened, transfixed and terrified as the preacher shouted about hell and how I was going there if I didn't "get saved". I remember crying in my bed at night because I wanted to "be saved" but didn't really understand how. I went to church on and off from that time and finally, "got saved" at the age of 17 (because I was still so scared of hell!). Later, I would reconfirm my faith and "really" "get saved" because by the ripe age of 20, I finally understood how dirty, disgusting, and sinful I was. From there forward, I was God's Girl. I did it all by the book because, like you, I LOVED Jesus and wanted to please him. He was such a friend to me. He got me through so much and I really, truly just wanted the whole world to have what I felt I had. I got married and my husband became a deacon. I studied The Word and hid it in my heart that I might not sin. I tried my best to be what Jesus wanted and to grow ever closer in my relationship with Him. Through all of this, though, there was always a little, horribly doubting part of me (it was my analytical brain that was the problem). Like you, I had a LOT of trouble squaring a Loving God with eternal damnation and burning punishment forever and ever andeverandeverandeverandever. Even for the worst of the worst sinners...just, why? Even for argument's sake, let's say, Hitler (most of us can agree he was a Baddie)...why must he be consciously, eternally punished? I mean, if it were up to me, I think i would assign a thousand years for each life he destroyed and then call it a day. How then, could God, who is said to be LOVE be satisfied only with the ETERNAL TORMENT of UN-redeemed sinners? How was it that I, a lowly human, seemed to contain more compassion than God. To believe in Hell was to have to accept that God was a masochistic psychopath. So, like you, I threw out believing in Hell. Also like you, the rest fell away, piece by piece from there (reading the book, "Misquoting Jesus" was also very instrumental in that - I naively thought we had, like, a master copy of the Bible stored away somewhere - lol). I also MOURNED the loss of My Friend Jesus. Once I was no longer a Believer, to whom could I turn? He had gotten me through so much! At least, that's what I believed at the time. Through a lot of years (and I mean decades!) of counseling, including EMDR therapy to help me overcome my CPTSD (long term childhood sexual abuse gave me that), I came to realize that *I* got me through so much. I had myself - always. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I'm there for me. I've got my back. It was me all along! And it's YOU! You are your best friend.

I deconverted through a couple things. My sexuality and science. I self harmed for a long time because of my sexuality and trying to push it down inside and not address it. Also, when researching science and realizing that what my parents and church told me about what science said was complete bullshit. The amount of lies I've had to come to terms with...I still get surprised

I have been slowly deconstructing my whole life and didn’t even realize it. I’m so glad I’m out and get to be myself now.

When you quoted 1 John 4:18, it really struck a chord with me. Seneca, an ancient Roman statesman said the same, and I think it might have been the inspiration for that Bible verse. He said: "Love and fear cannot be mingled." Every judgemental Christian needs to think about that.

❤️ As just another human on this planet, I feel compelled to say: I AM PROUD OF YOU. ❤️

"I just decided, somewhere along the way of my deconstruction, that I was not going to force myself to believe anything out of fear" (15:08)

Christianity destroyed my life. I spent 27 years in a cult. I see the bible as a book of lies. I also have PTSD. I will spend the rest of my life picking up the pieces. You are so brave!!

I’m two months out of Christianity and I’m still in the anger phase. Thanks for sharing your story ❤️

Thank you for sharing your story❤ I also grew up Christian fundamentalist and have deconstructed a lot, but the person of Jesus and the connection I have never stopped being real to me. I’ve held on to love as the purest expression of my beliefs. The stories about Jesus still inspire me to love others (and myself) better each day. The questions about hell, LGBTQ issues, etc honestly, I just don’t know. Allowing myself to just say “I don’t know” has been so empowering. The only thing I need to do is treat everyone equally with love in everything I do.

I understand that fear of realizing you just don't believe it anymore. I left evangelical christianity a long time ago, and it took a long time for me to say I am not a christian, especially to my brother and family who are all dyed in the wool christians. They were missionaries in France for years, and once they realized I didn't believe, they kept trying to save me. It has been quite a process.

Hearing about people deconstructing and being in the process myself, I am always reminded of someone going through a difficult breakup with a gaslighting, abusing, neglectful partner and finally breaking free.

Thanks for sharing your deconstruction journey. I grew up in a very loving household but was raised in a southern Baptist church-going every Sunday morning and night, Wednesday night and youth activities Friday and Saturday night. I didn’t think much about it until one Sunday bible study before the sermon, which was about Catholics going to hell. Some of my closest friends in school were Catholic. It made me wonder “what if I had been born into the ‘wrong’ household and.was raised Catholic instead of the ‘true’ faith?” But I set those thoughts aside. In college I taught Sunday school at a Quaker meeting and realized that my values fit Quakerism much better that the Baptist church. But I still didn’t think much deeper about it,. In law school, I stopped attending church, but did my laundry at a laundromat across from a gospel church, with an amazing choir, which was pretty much the antithesis of the silent Quaker meetings. That’s where I began to think that various Christian denominations are different ways of seeing God. The I went to work as a human rights lawyer in the Middle East, where I got to know Jews, Muslims, Druze and other faith#, all of which were as sincere in their faith as I was in mine. I came to realize that, at best, they were all trying to understand God but could only see God through their own cultural binoculars. I later married a very devote Catholic but drifted even further away from believing in God which was ok for my husband, but he felt strongly about raising our two boys Catholic. I think this is mainly because he is Arab and there are so few Christian Arabs, especially Catholics, left in the world and he feels some sort of duty. Fortunately, we are still happily married and our boys are atheist/agnostic like me, but respectful of their father’s faith and defensive of believers (of any denomination) when their college friends mock religious beliefs. But others who go through deconstruction often are forced to give up their marriage, extended family, close friends and community. They are shunned. It’s brutal and cruel, but perhaps for the best-no risk of being sucked back into the faith.

My deconstruction from the things I was taught in church started when I became a believer in God.

I always felt there's no place for me in Christianity for years when I was a child. Christianity is a great place for males in general as long as they conform to the Religion. Outside of those who use the pronouns of he there's isn't any place for women. Modern Christianity really does hate women. Let put this perspective the many Christians males complain that there is no place in the Disney Corporation because it's into psuedo diversity hires. I feel exactly the same way about Christianity and my individualism is paramount. That Christianity deep down hates women.

Wow thank YOU. My story is so similar. I spent years trying to stay a "liberal Christian" or something but had to give it all up. I lost my best friend Jesus.

Thanks for sharing. I came from a conservative, fundamental Baptist denomination; a pastor's kid; a bible study leader for many years; worship team member, etc. Now, I'm an agnostic and deconstructed my beliefs. It's very liberating to be out of the clutches of religion.

Thx for sharing.. you describe what I now recognize as an anxiety crisis, layer by layer of faith is stripped away... but there is always a residual anxiety... there “must” be some exquisite core that would remain in the end. The un acknowledged anxiety is the fear to come to terms with the idea that, ...in the end... through all your devotion ... your unconditional love .,. How is it possible that in the end, there was nothing there? And then, one day, it is all gone... like waking up from a dream... and being a little astonished that what had seemed so real.... has evaporated. Not even so much from some decisive choice to wake up...it is gone. No guilt, no anxiety, no wondering whether I am making a reckless decision... just gone I remember one moment of recognition......a person in a film or a docudrama was in court and asked to swear on a Bible to tell the truth. I suddenly felt this was ridiculous... why would swearing on a Bible mean anything? Now, for me, the Bible could have been Alice in wonderland... it no longer had any transcendental significance.

In religion/Cult BITE model to Control their Members. B-ehavior Control I-nformation Control T-hought Control E-motional Control

Thank you for talking about this, for including your pronouns, and for being you in a space where I could see and connect with your experience. It means a lot! - a bi, trans, ex-fundie fella with PTSD

Excellent. Thank you for sharing! It took me some 30 years to finally walk away from Christianity. It started when as a Freshman at a Christian college, I took an Old Testament course. During that semester the Jonestown massacre occurred - when Evangelist Jim Jones made his entire community of over 900 followers commit suicide. Here I was reading about God helping the Isrealites slaughter whole communities so his chosen people could have their land. Something started to feel "off" to me, but I just put all my questions on the shelf, so to speak, and kept on believing. Similarly, during my second semester,while taking New Testament, the Islamic Revolution occurred in Iran. Innocent people again were being captured or slaughtered in the name of religion. In class, I'm reading that Jesus said he didn't come to change the law - all the dreadful, draconian rules and punishments outlined in the first 5 books of the bible. In my heart, at 19 years old, my faith started to crumble. As I said, it took me 30 years, but when I finally admitted I saw no reason to believe in a God, I felt freer and happier - and more fulfilled - than I ever did in all my years of being a committed Christian.

I'm truly sorry you had such a difficult childhood. You present as an intelligent, serious and sensitive person which would have made your childhood experiences all the more painful. I too had a long and winding spiritual journey. I was raised in a strict Calvinist tradition (we're the ones with predestination, which is a pretty bad deal :)). In my young adult years I moved to the Evangelical stream. In middle age I had a series of profound spiritual experiences, which shifted my paradigm greatly and permanently. Now I'm a 67 year old granny. I still believe in God and Jesus and that gives me peace and purpose (and usually, joy :)), but I don't feel attached to organized Religion. I believe we're all connected, the universe is a welcoming place, and love is the most powerful force. My daily prayer is to bring kindness and love wherever I can. Thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably. You're on your journey, and all is well. Big virtual hug!

Been there done that, sounds a lot like my story, I will never go back, I'm finally free. So proud of you sweetie.

You did not lose faith you gained reason

It's sickening to know that there are women all over the world raised in Patriarchal societies. It completely nauseated me to hear it from an American. Good for you!

I love this video, and very much appreciate all of it. And losing my belief in hell brought so much more comfort than believing in heaven ever did.

I'm a Christian (did not grow up Christian- converted like 6 or 7 years ago) but I felt you on the "Jesus felt like a friend, God not so much". Tbh I have a hard time with the idea of Jesus as a friend. Still workin' on it- but we all is workin' on something. I hope the best for you yo!

I was heartbroken when I stopped being a Christian. A friend recently told me about a Christin meditation group that is meant to calm the mind & let them focus on hearing god's still, small voice. She said she tought it was beautiful, because it was like they were asking themselves. This made tears well up in my eyes. All those years of praying to god & feeling like I was with someone always, I was really just praying to myself. I was the projection of unconditional love & support I had been relying on for all those years. I feel a little bit more whole now, because the line is no longer dead, I just know who is on the other side.

My heart goes out to you, we as humans, we often twist religion (and anything else) to fit our own selfish needs. This practice implies that all Christians act in this way and that is simply not true. I pray that you now have the peace and comfort that you deserve.

Early christians did not believe in eternal damnation. Not even ancient Jews believed that. Got that from a rabbi.

Yeah I always feared hell now Im ok with just dying I find afterlife creepy not to mention there’s tons of cultures who have similar stories I feel like the telephone theory seems like a decent theory to me

I've come out to my parents as Panthiest as my fiancé and I are getting married next year. Ive been struggling with my faith for 10 years, and let me tell you, it is so freeing, and yet so stressful because of my parents. I pretty much went through the same deconstruction as you did in regards to my Catholic upbringing. I spent 10 years being angry with God, and fluctuating between agnostic and athiest. Eventually, i discovered Panthiesm out of an aha moment where i surmised God as Energy, which is the driving force of the universe. I then began to see god AS the universe in all its creative and destructive workings. I also came across the idea of the big bang as a Phoenix Event and not necessarily the beginning of time. In other words, the big bang was the death of the old and the birth of the new, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, and that there is no end. That is where I am now. And i am happy here. I hope you find your happiness, darling. And never stop questioning!

The Bible teaches that near the time when Jesus comes there will be a great “falling away”. As I read all these comments I realize just how close His coming really is. It is truly amazing. “When the Son of man returns will he find faith on the earth?” The great apostasy is really here. Wow!

The categorization, vetting, and filtering of various Christian messages is, to my thinking, an expression of the more common practice within evangelical churches of having the congregation continually “self-examine” for fidelity to Christ. One is told that acceptance of Christ as savior seals the deal, but then Christian ministers routinely deliver sermons designed to engender anxiety and doubt on this point.

Perfect love cast out all fear! I had a christain tell me once you've lived your life in fear that's not how God wants you to live your life. I grew up a catholic homeschooler. Be spiritual not religious. And if You are led to religion it should be a discipline that leads you to spirituality. God bless you on your journey rather you believe he's there or not! And never let anyone judge you!

I thought I was alone Glad to find out that I’m not Thank you

My deconstruction really started in a class in college about gender roles. Hearing other people’s experiences, showed me the contrast of what I had learned about women, which was negative and abusive, and what other people had. From then on, I could not commit to a God that seemed to not care the same way about women in the way that he care about men. And that allowed half the world population to be treated so badly for most of human existence. Comparing experiences is what saved me of a lifetime of emotional, physical and spiritual abuse. So I’m really grateful for you and other people that are willing to share their most painful experiences online! Thank you so much!

I think A lot of people don't understand how many years & hours of research some of us put in to trying to believe & hold strong but the more research you do the more it just completely falls apart. Its sad & heartbreaking but its also very freeing

You had the spiritual awakening humanity had to have.Congrats =)

Thank you for sharing. I had a similar experience (although I was never an evangelical Christian) but at age 50. Thankfully you have escaped at an earlier age. It is a painful process, but so liberating on the other end.

It seems that when Rome decided on the Church to represent the Empire that Paul or Pauline doctrine trumped Jesus. The whole blood sacrifice, resurrection thing was Paul who pushed that sin was washed by blood. Jesus taught self-discipline and self-sacrifice as well as a personal self transcending relationship with the Father/God. Glad you broke the bonds of mere belief and are free of that bondage.

"The line is dead." Bro, I said EXACTLY those words to my Mother two months ago.

Christianity - is not God in itself. Having a personal relationship with the only soul’s savior Jesus is the most valuable thing; please always have Jesus in your heart. He loves you.

Thanks for sharing! I'm sorry that you suffered abuse, nobody deserves that. The doctrine of hell was a big part of my deconstruction too. I never really quite understood how the penalty for doing something wrong was eternal conscious torture. Finite sin -> infinite punishment. Just doesn't make sense. Probably the biggest thing for me, as someone who grew up as "the smart kid," was "deconstructing" the apologetics and biblical literalness. I saw that the bible was in fact a product of imperfect people, and then it quickly became irrelevant to my interests.

The craziest part of of this is I never thought that I would get to a place where I would say that I was no longer Christian.

Freedom is priceless

Follow religion and be the lamb. Turn to philosophy and be the lion. Discard the Hebrew scrolls into the fiery pit and hold forth the crown of wisdom. Take the owl’s nest upon your head and study philosophy.

I am happy for you in that you can share your experiences and attempt to help others to decompress from religion. Your example inspires people like myself to share as well. The trauma is real. Deconstructioners need social support and acceptance.

This is quite similar to my experience. Thank you for your testimony.

Thank you for sharing. It’s really inspiring.

I can't imagine how scary that must have been. Growing up in an abusive cult!? I'm so glad your free of it now.

I feel after years of abuse and this God being a proverb that's other areas I feel that Hellfire is my best decision and I burn there for eternity since GOD LOVES TORTURE AND ABUSE. He runs on torture and abuse and it is FAKE He Ever loved my. I was 100% Worthless to God and Amen

Elly, that had to be one of the most compelling, heart-felt, honest and wonderful stories of release that I've ever heard (and I'm WELL ahead of you on the age-meter!) I cannot congratulate you enough for your strength and courage for doing the things that you not only have done but have persevered through. I went through my own "deconstruction" MANY years ago (back then we just called it "leaving the church" and we simply walked out). From seeing what is going on, the only word that has caused more fear in the whole of Christendom than "deconstruction" was/is "reformation"! Have a GREAT LIFE now that you have shed the shackles of religion. HOLY SHIT, it feels pretty damn good, doesn't it?!

I really relate to what you said about the nature of "true Christianity" changing over time. My parents raised me to believe a very specific set of fringe beliefs revolving around Christian nationalism, but then when I was in high school they changed their minds about all of that, mostly due to realizing that the eschatology was incompatible with what they thought was true. But I had been sufficiently indoctrinated that I couldn't drop those ideas as easily as my parents did. That conflict was the first source of doubt for me about my faith.

I am so happy I've found your channel. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being so vulnerable, open, and honest about your journey in deconstructing your faith. I know this isn't easy, but it's all worth it in the end. You are so inspirational! Thank you!

I have the opposite story that you have. I grew up catholic and the only ones who were right were priest. We were never allowed to read the Bible at home or even discuss it. When ever I wanted to talk about scripture, I was shot down by my folks always and since I was a kid that i wasn’t intelligent enough and that a priest should intervene. Lo and behold I left the church and got disowned by my family. Never treated the same again. Oh well! But out of the blue Jesus appeared to me in a dream and open the door and I entered. I knew this was different in that I was made whole instantly! I know he’s the Messiah because of this dream! I am now in a non denomination group who has the love of God in them! Jesus is real!

I just want to add on to the people thanking you for sharing. I have left & come back to the church several times after being raised in an independent fundamental baptist church, but am only now discovering that there are other people out there like me who just can’t align with these things anymore. I got chills when you spoke about fear being a big part of it & there being no fear in love. That’s been my biggest struggle stepping away is the fear, not even for myself, but that I’m sending my kids to hell by not teaching them the Bible & taking them to church. I am heading down a rabbit hole with these stories and couldn’t be more grateful for all of y’all that have laid your hearts out for the rest of us to feel validated & seen in this often lonely journey of deconstruction. 🖤🖤

It always shocks me how many people say "well you weren't ACTUALLY a chrisitian"

My father-in-law is a retired preacher. The put him out to pastor.

Yes!!! Somebody realizes that RELIGION is a lie. Welcome ’home’ from “prison”!

Thanks for sharing your story. I relate to this a lot. I struggle because a lot of my friends are Christians. I have struggled for many years even as a child because I never fully believed. Keep up the good work ❤️

I fear u were given a false gospel. Noone gets the Holy Spirit until they trusted only in the shed blood of Jesus and none of what they do. The law showed us we needed a savior not a means of being good enough to get eternal life. Repentance is turning to the truth that you can't be good enough and trusting what Jesus did alone since eternal life really is a free gift. I am hated by many do called Christians for keeping the simple Gospel pure. But I pray u come to true faith knowing Jesus did pay your sin debt of death for u and receive the free gift of eternal life. Not by works of righteousness which we have done but by His mercy He saved us. I will pray for u to be set free from religion and trust Jesus only.

Welcome to the natural wonderful and real world. It is not perfect but it is the way it is. The best thing is to be open minded and free to learn how the universe is

I agree, christianity is based in fear. The fear of hell and all through the bible it say to fear god. I'm not sure how they turned it into a loving god if you read the old testament. Great job seeing and breaking away from the fear.

I just wanna say I think you’re remarkable and times like this make me so happy that the internet exists. Your story deserves to be told and can help so many, so thank you so much for sharing Looking forward to watching you continue to grow and I really hope I can follow your example and always grow and challenge myself

I recently, finally left my Christianity behind and now consider myself agnostic. Over the past few weeks your channel has been a massive help to me now that I'm at this point. So many of your experiences mirror mine growing up and seeing I'm not alone and listening to your analysis of what you went through helps me sort through my own trauma. Thank you so much.

To put in a 3 year’s old mind that she is a sinner doesn’t sit well with me.

Hi ! I hope you will find God again, in a different way. Faith can be a beautiful adventure when you are FREE. But fundamentalism ruined everything. When MEN impose rules on other men everything becomes authority and egocentrism. Faith is just the opposite. Beautiful road to you and even if you may not want to believe it God loves you 😉.

Although I'm now converting to Orthodox Christianity, I too had crazy fundamentalist parents who caused me a LOT of psychological trauma and messed me up mentally so I'm glad you're free from that.

I was a Christian most of my life, was terrified of hell, but not anymore I’m free of the burden of Trying to please A God that doesn’t exist.

So happy for you! My family deconstructed too and we are doing great!

There's only so many years, decades if agonizing disappointment a human can endure before giving up on a miracle that seemingly is showered on Literally everyone else around you except you 😢

You left one cult and another one? Thd cult of wokeness? Congratulations.

Thank you, you are a brave woman for faxing your fears....your an inspiration.

I love your presentation and the warm friendly way you express yourself. Thank you for this.

There's religion, then there's relationship. God gives us a free will. Forcing religion and legalism on kids often results in rebellion. No offense, but this sounds more like strict religion, without a true intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. I was raised in a similar fashion, abandoned it after high school, but accepted Jesus for myself many years later. As you know or have read, for the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God its eternal life. Satan makes you believe theirs liberty in sin. Sin is fun for a season, but the end is death. I pray that the true and living God is revealed to you.🙏🙏 Hypocrisy is hypocrisy. If one doesn't love their neighbor as themselves, then they don't even realize that pride is a sin. That's always been my perception of many evangelicals, especially after how they backed Trump and that whole MAGA mentality.

I have been on the Reddit Christian and TrueChristian subforums recently, the amount of sadness and painful messages you read from Christians is astonishing. Religion did not solve anything, and in some cases, brought them misery.

My grandad told me that my Great Granddad was abusive, often beating his children to the point of unconsciousness. All the while he would quote bible verses; Proverbs 22:15 - "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him." or Proverbs 13:24 - "Whoever spares the rod hates his son". Granddad said he had Christianity beaten out of him. This didn't disprove God in any way, but it did point to a clear black and white reading of the bible leading to horrific outcomes. His disbelief led to my father being less devout, and in turn I never had the push to believe. I had a fundamentalist teacher try to explain a literal Genesis and it just sounded ridiculous from the start.

Oh Elly! You are a gem. Thank you for sharing your heart-wrenching story. I'm 70 years old and I spent my first 20 years as a devout Catholic in a strict Catholic family. All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc., on both sides of my family were strict Catholics - not the "à la Carte" Catholics that were all around us. When I was about 11 years old, I had this sincere belief that EVERYONE should be priests and nuns, because what else matters? I spent my high school years in a Catholic seminary, gathering the scholastic credits that I needed to get into a major theological seminary. I'm happy to say that after graduating 12th grade, I got involved with a girl and a rock band. I like to say that I was knocked off the path to the priesthood by "sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but not in that order". I still devoutly studied my religion, reading the fathers of the church as well as modern theologians. It took about five years to go through new-age beliefs and even pantheism, but none of that stuck with me. I became a hardcore materialist atheist. I still love reading about deconversion experiences, because I went through the tears and intense praying and studying that I thought would save my faith. In my "crisis of faith" years, in my early 20s, I spent lots of time talking with my mother. My dad overheard us one time, and he barged into the room saying, "so, you're not Catholic anymore?" I answered, "I'm not really sure." He nearly shouted, "well, do you go to church on Sundays?" I said, "not always". Then he roared, "WELL! Then you're OUT of the church." My poor mom who was trying to build a bridge to me had to chase him out of the room. It was sad but comical. Thanks for sharing your own experience.

I just found your channel, and I'm so grateful. From what I've seen so far, I relate to nearly all of your experiences and I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for your vulnerability and authenticity. It means so much

Hello Elly! I am so sorry for all that you are going through! Sounds like you went through narcissistic abuse! Many therapists overlook this! I only hope that you will find peace! Be well and all the best!! 🌷🌷🌷

People always like to bring up the negative aspects of the Internet. But there are So many positives, including enabling those who have been shut off from the wider world, and indoctrinated in specific ideologies, to expand their knowledge and potentially shift their worldview. Plus, connecting people who have gone through/are going through very challenging and traumatic experiences which are so isolating. Can form these incredible communities and give people so much hope and an outlet.

just here as a Christian learning more about deconstructionism. So far the common denominator is that every God is bad. Most people deconstruct into atheism or no religion. I was anticipating more people converting to Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Confucianism, Judaism, or Baha'i, but they are not, no religion is growing quickly. As a first glance, it looks like people are going to no religion to escape from being under any religious authority which is understandable when the authority is poor or even injurious.

Elly, Thank you for sharing your story. It really resonated with me because although we come from very different denominations of Christianity (Roman Catholic) I had the same kinda epiphany where I was like “I...don’t believe in this anymore.” I had been feeling that way for years, I was just terrified to acknowledge it. I would pray, worship and read the Bible hoping for him to say something to me or let his presence be known to me in the privacy of my room at night. Nothing. There were many moments where I would just stay awake at night, crying and pleading for god to speak to me. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Was I so horrible that god didn’t want to have a relationship with me? I too experienced abuse and felt that factored into why he doesn’t respond to me. Looking back I see how unhealthy that mindset was, but I didn’t know any better. What makes me sad is how people will insist that you and I “never really knew him” or we were “never Christians to begin with”. Another common one is blaming the church we attended. Why does god only choose to have a relationship and make his presence known to some people but will reject others? Why would god refuse to acknowledge my pleas and earnest prayer? Is that was a loving, benevolent god does to those who seek to know him? I guess so. Something else that drove me away was the overconfidence and arrogance of most Christians.The belief that their interpretations are true and everyone else is wrong when there’s no way to know. Now as a young adult I have actually found comfort in the words “I don’t know”. I don’t need to know the answer to everything. I can give myself purpose. I don’t need a god to be a good person. It’s so sad that one of the core pillars of Christianity is that we are corrupt and need god to “fix” us. Then there’s the fear mongering with hell. It’s so toxic and unhealthy. That was so long winded, I apologize. I just got myself going lol. Again, thank you for sharing your story. I love hearing how other people come to terms with their lack of belief. Best, Alexus :)

The meaning of life is to find your own meaning. Congratulations, darling. ♥️ Now you are free.

So moving to hear your story. Thank you for being so brave.

Once you deny Christianity, you will surely deny the existence of Jesus Christ, the guy from Nazareth in Israel. After that, you will also deny, sooner or later, the existence of Heaven and Hell. And finally, you will also deny the existence of life after death. For you, once you are, you're dead. All that matters to you now is the life on this world, this material world. For you, there is not such things like sin, human soul, eternity, judgment, and eternal life. [One day,a young man talked to Padre Pio, and told the priest, "Father, hell does not exist." The priest just gently told him, "Don't worry. You will believe once you're there."]

I love to hear these stories, i like it even more that Christians are desperately trying to keep you on their team. I love watching their numbers dwindle. I love watching them watch it even more. It's comforting, the thing that has oppressed me my whole life is finally dying.

You just described what I've been going through over the past month. "The line is dead. There's nothing there." I left christianity in my early twenties, but then latched onto orthodox judaism because all those rules will tell me exactly what I have to do for god to love me! I left that three years ago (after fifteen years of being strictly orthodox), but still clung to belief in god. A month ago, I had my world upended by a realization. And now the line is dead. Your videos are so damn important. You're speaking what I'm feeling. Thank you so so much.

I don't think we talk enough about the pain and emptiness of losing God. We speak about the patriarchal systems we are free of, the thought patterns we deconstruct, the things we have done in the name of religion that we have to make peace with. But I think lots of people don't understand that when you have faith you have an actual real presence in your head, someone who is as real as your physical best friend but is infinitely more forgiving and powerful than a human can be. And to one day realise you don't feel them any more. Like that friend has moved away and you can't ever have them again. It's like a death. The loss is overwhelming

Welcome to the REAL world.

I just recently deconverted and i will say this - the greatest thing Jesus has done for all mankind is that he doesnt exist. Thank you Jesus 😇

It's crazy how many christians never really challenge their beliefs. I'm always trying to debunk my ways of thinking.

Thanks for sharing! :) I've been through a similar deconstruction with Mormonism. I've been an athiest for five years now. I am happier than I was before, but I still feel the hurt and anger. The indoctrination, the abuse, the lost experiences, the lost years... the hurt I caused others ... the fact that it's still hurting my wife and family... it's not an easy journey. But it's good not to feel alone. "In Catholic school, As vicious as Roman rule, I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black. And I held my tongue as she told me, 'Son, Fear is the heart of love, 'so I never went back." ("I'll Follow You Into the Dark" - Death Cab for Cutie)