I watched an Army three star general who was medical do this a number of times to protect herself and destroy good people who either worked for her or who asked the wrong questions that put the spotlight on her or in some cases were in jobs where they might have have discovered and exposed her past failures. I inherently knew what she was doing at the time but this video itemizes her behavior very well. She identified, smeared, isolated, neutralized and vilified her targets -- all very carefully by using rumors, innuendo, investigative powers, and close knit cronies. It's very hard to escape someone like this and I count my lucky stars she never targeted me but I do feel bad for the processionals whose lives she destroyed.
This kind of problematizing is all over nowadays, especially online. It's disgusting how just disagreeing with someone now makes one a bigot or phobic or whatever triggering word is thrown around that month. It's disturbing how society has de-volved.
You'll find this in activism everywhere. To paraphrase Saul Alinsky, "Your opponent's reaction is the real action." This pairs nicely with mid-level violence: "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!"
Yes, exactly. As a child, I thought that there was no way to describe my father, his tactics, his shameless infantilism and bottomless narcissism. I thought that no one would possibly believe the depth and scope of it, the sheer catalogue of sick tactics…
I especially love this one, Darren! I have experienced this for so long and I would tell the person, "You are just never content. You are perpetually upset or offended about the smallest things." They live to find fault in others. It feels great to have a term for this. Problematizing-exactly!! Quick question: Do you have a video with the subject being how best to respond when the narcissist accuses you of being a narcissist? If so, will you please share the title. Thank you for everything that you do. 💕
Sounds like that would be gaslighting when a narcissist accuses another of being a narcissist, because gaslighting involves deflecting and redirecting the problem from oneself onto another.
@@kredit787 Yes, agreed. Gaslighting and projection, actually. My interest is in hearing Darren's insight on how best to respond when in that specific circumstance.
@@TC-gx3qn Little Shaman channel about narcissism on RU-vid provides ways to deal with many issues. One piece of advice is not to engage at all, as the saying goes not to wrestle in the mud with a pig, it's exactly what they want.
@kredit787 Thank you for sharing the other channel and the advice. I have heard other videos on the topic, but I find Darren's insight to be the most helpful to me in general. Depending on the situation and relationship, non-engagement, walking away and saying nothing or saying I am not going to discuss this is not always a helpful solution. Also, responding to an accusation isn't the same thing as defending oneself from one (that would be wrestling with a pig, agreed : ).
My covert and 'helpless' mother has lost her power over me (at last - I'm 67!) and has now been trying to convince my husband that I'm unhinged. He told her it probably stems back to childhood and she switched to "Oh yes, she's bound to be a bit like her dad!" He nearly laughed out loud and I wish he had 😂🤣 Everything has always been dad's fault, or mine. And I mean **everything**
Hi Darren! Well, I just learned my covert narcissist ex is definitely also a dark tetrad. I just didn't know what that was before. Everything you've taught me has been like cutting the chains off, one at a time, until I'm free, and I ❤deeply❤ thank you. Knowledge is power! I really am amazed at my progress, and I'm sorry I can't give you ALL the credit, because my Father in Heaven is always working in my life. He made a promise to those who love him in Romans 8:38, that He will turn everything that was meant for evil for good, will weave it for good in our lives. There's a beautiful tapestry of each of our lives!... He's Such a Great Daddy!
I work with someone like this. They undermine you and you become hypervigilant wondering what they are up to all the time. Makes you look like the problem but what can you do. Very difficult to deal with
I wonder what proportion of workplace murders stem from something like this. It has a high potential to become contagious, so I could see why the police and the media might cover it up.
The answer is -- set a trap for them. You know what they are doing, how they operate, you know the strings they can pull. So find a space that is far removed from you and your work, and visualize how they might show themselves in a way that is damning. Then plan backwards the steps needed to get them to expose themselves an put them into action without personally touching it or being witnessed. You don't have to break the law to do this and it is in no way unethical. As long as you don't make this your standard for dealing with people, you won't become like them. You'll be doing yourself and others a favor. Help them sink their own ship.
Your delivery of the information is excellent but it also causes me a whirlwind of anxiety listening because I’ve tried to bury this in order to be okay. And hearing it is so real it’s almost like it’s happening and not buried at all. I don’t know what to do. Somehow I must use this to get stronger and smarter and convert it into ways to help myself. Since I’m completely triggered from hearing this, I’m going to wait awhile , maybe a day, then come back and take detailed notes. Create an outline, etc. so I can learn. Learning is the only way I can break down and dismantle the trauma I’ve lived and am still living. Thank you, most sincerely. Thank you.
You have described my mother to a T! Every conversation, every task, every single topic becomes an huge, tedious ordeal that she either has to argue about, or play devils advocate. She will even invent scenarios in her head. It’s exhausting and I don’t participate anymore.
Holding a grudge, nitpick on others, hypercritical of others, highlight others flaws, embarrass you by revealing personal secrets or flaws. Hypervigilant and easily triggered and feel slighted when their inconsiderate behaviors are noticed or exposed. Basically they are a walking narcissist mortification waiting to happen and their anxiety about it dominates their aura. I’m so glad i can avoid these people most of the time
Thank you for this, as the survivor of an 8 year relationship with a malignant covert narcissist, i can attest to have lived every circumstance you mention on this video. Bewildering, inmature, premeditated and sadistic behavior. It shows how deeply and rigidly their maladaptive structure is ingrained
Thanks Mr magee I thought I was going mad but turns out I had some bridges to burn and some work to do on myself it's been quite helpful and I thank you for your time I appreciate it
Oh my. Looking back a relative waved a bright red flag years ago that I somehow missed! You covered it here. She advised me (out of “concern”) to distance from my closest friend and support system for decades. I laughed in response, believing she’d “misunderstood”. I now know she didn’t misunderstand at all. My friend was in the way of her supply!
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 I only read it correctly in hindsight. It’s really sad how many years I kept trying to fix that relationship that never really existed.
I recently realized a friend of several years seems to be a very sly covert narcissist. He does not play the victim card rather he portrayed himself as wise, fair and intelligent. He used subtle condescending comments to people myself included in many conversations. He often claimed successful friends were lucky when someone handed out praise for someone else’s accomplishments. The condescending comments towards myself turned eventually into condescending lectures and manipulative efforts of an increasing frequency to the point I said enough already. In hindsight I may have encouraged the increase by letting the original occasional jabs pass by without comment or challenge. At any rate, I have gone no contact. These types of covert narcissists are sly and can take time to figure out. You might not remember everything they said but you sure remember how shitty they made you feel.
I think most of us tend to do that, as we prefer to not over-react, to pick our battles. But yes, this result can happen if you're dealing with a narcissist. I just learned this in my last marriage.
Different people, same patterns. We need to recognise the patterns of different types of behaviour, then recognise the pattern of that cluster of behaviours (ie. narcissism).
That is so horrific but the truth. It is like in a horror movie in fact. Those people create constant drama just to get attention. And yeah also to be in control... Be very careful if someone shows up like a king (always in the center of attention). That is not a good sign...
Thank you Darren. I've seen this sort of behavior a lot at work, unfortunately. It wastes so much of other people's time and energy, who are just trying to do their jobs! Looking forward to the next topic.
Outstanding video!!! I'm an autistic heterosexual cissexual white male. Academic problematization of my immutable demographics-of-birth results in lifetime of problematization as academic proxies fill the empty blanks of autism with the presumptions of problematization.
The trouble is that the term can just be thrown back at any rational critic by the narcissist. Then you've got salad everywhere and they'll pretend they're too distressed to clean it up.
Darren, thank you again, another fantastic segment. I look forward to the next one. I believe the narcissist in my life uses words/language to carefully incite a reaction that they can then claim that I misunderstood and shouldn’t have had a negative reaction.
Me too, have realised that I will probably will be working on it forever. At first it was daily. Now only when I come across it. Having all the tools now really helps.
Yes! I had the same reaction, suddenly started laughing at what was said. I was surprised at myself, so I wrote in and asked if that means I've been doing some good healing! If I just go by how much better, freer, lighter I feel, I would have to say a resounding yes!
As a self employed joiner I have had a number of narc clients in recent years...and Its about one in twenty, which is exactly inline with statistics... One recent client's over-riding trait was problematising... From day one, they were building a case against me over many many dozens of small issues, setting me up, allowing me to make perfectly decent decisions along the way that at the time they wouldn't question, plus using hidden cameras that I spotted and tested from day-one. At the end of the project they withheld the final instalment and sent me pages and pages of grievances, all of which I debunked and refuted. Their whole MO was to 'win'. However, I sued them and won. Horrible nasty people... And one three week job casts a year-long shadow over the rest of my working life
Some people cram their superiority down your throat by using numerous big words, one after another in an intentional way to be confusing. Also, to make others feel inferior for not being able to understand the purposefully confusing statement.
Thank you Mr Magee... Your presentations are always an interesting, educating and thought provoking experience. As you speak, I find myself thinking and re-thinking on my current and past interactions with others. Not only if I've been the target of narcissists and just not noticed at the time, but whether I've employed such mental tactics upon others. It makes me wonder if we all aren't a little narcissistic when it suits us, which is a little disconcerting to say the least. To be so involved in ones self at the expense of everyone and everything else, to go to such effort simply to achieve self satisfaction, and only temporary at best, seems like waaaaay too much work for me. On the upside, I've finally found a positive to being lazy and simple and that idea does make me smile.
I befriended a guy who moved upstairs from me and was going to our local college for his masters in Art. I'm a male as well. We were friends for about two years and this guy was so narcissistic. Thing is.... I caught on to all of his head games.... but never called him out on anything because I figured why stir anything up because he'll be gone soon. Years later I wonder if I didn't make a mistake by not revealing to him that I knew exactly how he was trying to manipulate/use me. Should I have done so for my own good? Or perhaps his?
Very excellent, point on, so well spoken. I'm from a total narc cult family and of course married one onto my daughter letting me know I'm not up to snuff but done is done! Love from Montreal!
I first noticed it when we moved in together… then even a dishrag became a problem! I remember walking over to the trash & throwing it away before turning around to dare him to create another problem! He later remarked that he didn’t know why he’d done that but it was a clear pattern of behavior from the start. This pattern just escalated & there was nothing I could do but watch the slow motion train wreck in the house
It's really easy to know if someone knows what they're doing vs by programming. Start reading up on this stuff and let people know how enlightening it is. Then pay attention to their reactions. That's when it becomes *truly* enlightening.
So what are we survivors supposed to do when on the receiving end of all these abusive tactics? Please consider in depth videos on how we are to live with ongoing abuse from the Sadistic, Machiavellian Narcissists. (and please don't offer moving as a solution cuz that's already been done)
@@brianreed8271 Sometimes no contact isn't possible, in my situation if I went no contact with my sister in law my kids wouldn't see their family. Counseling has helped me immensely so I'm not triggered by the narcissist and actually she stays away from me since she's seen I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago.
@@joanna0988 no contact is always possible when it has to be. Shared custody situations can always go through a third party. I never talk to these people one-on-one. I was the custodial parent of two children and I got through it.
@@joanna0988 no contact is always possible when it has to be. Shared custody situations can always go through a third party. I never talk to these people one-on-one. I was the custodial parent of two children and I got through it.
@@isobelangeli2053 in the end it doesn't really matter right? I spent a lot of time trying to figure out and put a label on it. Now I'm just happy not to be in it. The further I get from it the more I realize how bad it really was. I know I'll never live like that again.
Most of this has my sister’s name written all over it. Nightmare of a human being, who’s caught onto the fact that the court (probate) is merely there to mediate, instead of rule and is easier to manipulate than a 2 year old. The only good news, is that she is worse than our mother, which may shorten her life, although she’s younger than me. So, although I’m older, maybe she’ll go first. Certainly hope so.
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 fully aware there are those who feel that the target or victim should never have a single bad thought, about a malignant narcissist putting them through Hell. Fortunately, I don’t subscribe to that form of thinking and am not bound by it. No guilt at all.
Policemen are like this or women or men Or WHATEVERRRR ya wanna call it - entitlement it’s entitlement N all that other crazy stuff y’all talk about. They don’t want to be ‘challenged 🤣🤣🤣. No , THEY JUst don’t wanna deal !! 😝😝
