Honestly, the apology hit home for me. To live with narcissistic abuse for so long, and never hear, “I’m sorry…” it’s hard to explain. That was a little shocking. Watching you grow is a little shocking. I spent so many years trying to reach someone that I loved, and kept getting wounded, after loving and giving selflessly. I kept trying to understand him, and where his pain came from. I kept trying to understand why he became the monster in those moments when he did. I kept believing that he could grow and change, and care. Hoping that he would Understand the pain he was putting me through, and care. I dunno… just the smallest apology was amazing to hear. The vulnerability, the self reflection, the admission of how you hurt people who loved you, and how you were wrong. It’s hard to explain why, but it helps. It’s a bit cathartic.
@gaulearnedimp He's not the person that hurt you, however, I understand that the apology represents something to you and that you benefited from it. It's very sad to realize how badly you needed that. But, yes, cathartic it is. I hope this helps ease that pain so that healing takes place. Peace and love.
I'm sorry you went through that! 🤗 Mine would always ask me to be nice to him (this was after a fight that started because he was saying or doing something abusive to me, and I would try to defend myself, mind you), but then, when I was being "nice," he would get suspicious and ask why I was being so nice to him.
This can happen with anyone with trust issues. Many who have a history of trauma and abuse will often assume nothing good is real or without intentions. NPD also has these issues.They also project it too.
@@sagewisdom2180 I was thinking about that. I've developed a terrible distrust for everyone. I think it's all about whether it's a stand alone issue, or if it's paired with other toxic traits. But I think Jacob is valid in his feelings, for sure. He has NPD, of course, but from the bits of life I've heard him discuss, I feel like some of his distrust might be trauma based, as well.
@@southerncatlady I'm a therapist specialized in Trauma and It's common that many of those who have NPD or traits of it, have is due to the need to cope from previous trauma.
@@sagewisdom2180 oh wow! I'm still just learning about narcissism amd trauma and stuff. But I did learn that NPD and similar traits came about because of trauma. It's why I have had such trouble letting go of a certain narc in my life. I know that it's not their fault, even though I know how damaging the abuse is.
Your vulnerability in this video is palpable. I'm learning to view people with this condition with greater compassion, despite the pain and destruction they unleash on those who truly love them. I'm understanding more and more through your videos that they struggle to recognise and accept love. I can barely imagine what a painful and lonely existence that must be.
The thing is, most of the time you aren't aware that you're lonely and in pain. Cuz you live in your fantasy world, which protects you from your feelings of fear, shame and loneliness and keeps them in your subconsciousness. But it all comes crashing down on you when you collapse. You'll feel all that shit in an immense intensity and become aware of the misery of your own existence. It's painful as fuck.
Because THEY ARE? This is likely the most frustrating thing to deal with. Instant SUPPLY, as I go through the roof, being falsely accused of lying. I’m autistic spectrum, and literally very incapable of lying. ( if I TRY to lie, it never works)
Sigh. This makes SO much sense of my past experience with someone who struggles with bpd/npd. He leaned covert and very depressed. But this video explains why he didn't believe in apologies (wouldn't accept them, and wouldn't give them), and why it seemed like no matter what I ever said- it was received as if there were ulterior motives, catches, manipulations, etc. He fought against that sometimes, but basically his entire time with me was a battle to allow himself to believe I was actually a good/benevolent person who loved about him for real because of WHO he was (he had very little else when we met), even though my words & actions were consistent for over a year and I did my best to weather it all. I wasn't perfect in my communication, but I was definitely speaking from the heart and tried to prove I meant it. His mental illness won his fight to believe me.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to get on here and make videos.. but I am proud of you! And please don't be ashamed of your thoughts or feelings, just don't give up!
It's not possible to describe how much damage this kind of attitude does to a child. I grew up thinking my genuine emotions were manipulations thanks to a narcisstiic father
i have bpd and this is also my daily reality. makes me wonder if that was one of the main reasons why i was so compatible with my narcissistic ex - like we were fulfilling each other's assumptions of malice. really appreciate your vulnerability, jacob. really struck by how much i relate in general.
All I read was “bpd” and I nearly 🤮. My ex called me a narcissist when in fact she’s just a trigger machine waiting to be detonated by a simple fly bumping into her. Hahah Hahah!!! Good riddance. Was it rude of me to ask her “did you finally grow out of your BPD?” on her birthday after which I stopped communicating with her indefinitely.
@@sirrantsalott it sounds like bpd as a topic brings up a lot of feelings for you, and im sorry to hear that you had such a rough relationship/breakup, but it is quite rude to rant about someone with bpd you hate whenever somebody with the condition mentions it. it probably made @ImpartialLake1256 feel bad about their condition. i hope that you feel better about the stuff with your ex soon though.
This isn't just NPD or BPD exclusive. All personality disorders including ASPD, Cluster A and Cluster B all assume malice. But differently... Cluster A are highly suspicious of others. Cluster C are highly anxious and afraid. Cluster B are highly defensive and threatening (dramatic reactions.)
@@nugget6635 this isn't even personality disorder exclusive. most people with childhood trauma don't trust others, because we've made the experience that others can't be trusted. sadly it takes many years to heal that.
I know the narcissist I was dating always thought I was lying but I wasn't.. I told him that I'm not going to lie and say that I am lying just to appease him..
This is so true. It's so weird to be questioned constantly and you're telling the truth. It's so bizarre. The reason they do this is because they are always lying and they think you're the same. They think everyone thinks like them. If they do it. You do it..
That’s just kinda what NPD is like. Projecting your trauma onto others to protect yourself from it. Half the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it until we seriously hurt somebody too, it’s really difficult to see your own behavior patterns and that’s why these disorders are so tricky
Seems incredibly honest, attains a totally unexpected level of vulnerability, and rings very true to my experience being on the receiving end of this stuff. Dead impressed. The god references are not a surprise but the talk of appeasement was very illuminating. ("Getting on the bosses good side" though....🙄jeeez). Looks like i've been underestimating how bad the grandiosity is and also how it impacts interactions in ways that I hadn't realised, but again, rings true. Oof. And the awareness of the false self in the way described was interesting. Great video. Now subscribed.
I started watching Narcissists videos to help understand my brother. As an ardent truth teller (lies just delay the uncomfortable and it compounds); I have your opposite problem, not understanding when people lie. Do you have anyone in your life that you trust to tell you the truth? Your heart just seems so stormy, and I wish you peace.
I have a similar thing. I often worry that people don't believe me when I say things. Or just humour me or don't take me seriously. Like being trans for instance, I often worry that people are just humouring me with that. That even the people who are pro trans rights, just think I'm crazy. Or that people don't believe I have depression, and that I'm just whiny. It's similar to always thinking people are lying, I always believe people think I'm lying. That nobody believes anything I say. Unfortunately.... I don't know how else to think.... I don't have anything to blame for this other than... I suppose it's probably a part of depression, or just paranoia... But it's still there. Even today.
Hi Jacob, I really admire the courage you have in not only being self aware, but being able to broadcast your vulnerability to so many people. Your insights are incredible to listen to, and it doesn’t sound crazy, it sounds like a very deep wound that never healed. Your videos have been helpful for not only others with NPD to find the bravery to seek help, but for victims of narcissistic abuse to understand the motivations in their abuser’s minds. I wish you well, remember that there’s people out here who are rooting for you.
It's weird a narcissist will acuse you of what they are doing them selfs. And then they can get realy angry or attack you. So a narcissist knows what they are doing is wrong. Because otherwise they won't get angry when it happens to themselves. My sibling is narcissistic or has very strong narcissistic tendencies and will never say directly what he wants. For example he won't say hey give the remote control but will start a very strange story about the remote control in the hope others will understand he wants the remote control. It makes it hard for me to trust him and I never know what realy is going on... And don't mention this because he will see this as an attack and therefore he will attack you. In short: a narcissist will see you as they them selfs. A narcissist will not trust you while in fact they can't be trusted, etc, etc...
Jacob, thank you for being so introspective and vulnerable with us 🙏. From what I understand, the hardest thing for people suffering with NPD is to even recognize they’d benefit from getting help. The hardest part of your journey is already behind you, and by sharing your former and current thought patterns with the world, you are helping countless people affected by NPD (both those suffering from it themselves and also their loved ones) My partner’s father had NPD and never sought any treatment, so growing up with that parental figure in his life has left ripples of NPD thought patterns in his own psyche as well (ie. thinking everyone always has an ulterior motive). Hearing how you experience the world has helped me understand so much 🙏
Great video, great awareness. But probably not so great when it's you dealing with it. Its obvious in how you explain how your npd will do whatever it can to keep love out and push it away at all costs. Pure self preservation but it hurts you more in the long run.
Bro…that text thing. My mom does this ALL THE TIME. It caused me so much anxiety during a text conversation I would get these panic type attacks. If she text me while I was driving I wouldn’t wait till I got to my destination to reply. I would pull over right away and respond. Before hitting send I would edit everything I could and reread over and over wondering if my reply was just right. Was I missing something? What might offend her or what might she misunderstand? Freakin brutal. I finally had to tell her I couldn’t do it anymore and surprise surprise she took that out of context too. 🤣🤣 Her favorite quote was…”with text you don’t get the tone”. Well mom you are the only one who consistently misunderstands me. Why can’t you give me the benefit of the doubt? I’m your son not a stranger. Don’t assume the worst. Anyway a few months ago I finally told her I needed some space it was too much. Her response to me…”I thought we were giving each other the benefit of the doubt”. No, I already do, that rule was for you. Jesus mom I’m 41 years old
Hello there! It sounds like you're in alert mode all the time. It sounds like it must take a toll on your body. So there are these practices I'd like to mention called metta, gratitude and smiling from heart. They are called visualizations for a lack of a better term. You're supposed to relax and then perform them. With Metta, you wish well to: 1.someone you love, 2. stranger, 3.someone you hate, 4.yourself. With gratitude you can start thinking about things to be grateful for (you can start with something stupid like having drinking water). With smiling from heart you just try to feel happiness. The goal in any of these is to actually generate these feelings. Which should make you feel better - more relaxed, less agitated, less distrustful, enjoying present so you don't feel the void. This could allow you to access your empathy for other people too. I know if might sound a little woowoo, but it works. Try just 2 minutes a day. You might not feel it immediately, but if you build momentum, it is very pleasant.
You feel this way because people hurt you so much and really traumatized you. People suck but your real friends will love you for who you are. Even if my husband had NPD and was self aware I’d do anything in my power to try and help him heal himself and find out the cause of everything. Not everyone understands these things and I really wish people did. You have no idea how proud I am of you with everything your doing. Keep going.
I feel like this alot of times too, im super paranoid and try to find the underline message in everything but i think its more about my autism spectrum disorder because ive been taken advantage of many times in the past. I think the difference between a narcissist and me though is that I don't assume that im always in the right, I always consider others thoughts and feelings and don't explode on them for perceived wrong doings
Every gift I ever gave to my ex he destroyed in the most vicious and callous way. I would do nice things things for him regularly, I would help him with things regularly and none of it mattered. He said one time he felt “beholden to me” now, because I helped him. I slowly stopped doing nice things for him and helping him until I see me say just stopped. He never believed anything good about me and It became exhausting and I lost my motivation to want to do anything for him because he never appreciated anything and he was always mad and would break up with me and block me continuously for 2.5 years. The last big thing I did to help him was loan him a very large sum of money to help with his business. I genuinely loved him and cared for him and genuinely wanted to help him thrive. That was the last thing I ever did for him, he didn’t treat me any better, he never believed in me. He paid me back and treated me horribly til the bitter end.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience. Your video helped me understand a lot about the relationship I had with someone who I now realize might have had narcissistic personality disorder. It was incredibly insightful and has given me a new perspective on why things were the way they were. Understanding that they didn't believe in love because they didn't think they could be loved for who they truly are made a lot of sense. I appreciate your honesty, and it has been a crucial step in my healing process. Thank you again!!
Hey bro. Just wanna say that this video is fucking relatable. And even when you say that some of your thought processes sound insane when you say them out loud, I have to day that they don't sound insane to me. That's literally how I think and interpret other people's words. Even something as my parent's asking me how I'm doing feels like they are trying to extract information about me to give themselves a sense of control over me. That's probably not normal way to interpret other people's intentions. Makes me really wonder what the fuck actually happened to a child version of me to make me end up like this.
But the facade IS you too. That's the thing. It may seem like a mask to you, and in a way it is...or more like armor in some cases, but it is the mask that YOU painted, the armor YOU chose and polished. :) It is still a reflection of you and your tastes and loves and desires and how you choose to tackle the world. Nothing to be ashamed of, we all have one, I think some are just more aware of that than others. I think your heart is so raw from so much pain that you are more sensitive to these things. I don't know, does that make sense to anyone besides me? ;) Ah well, Cest La Vie! Everyone wants to be around people who make them feel happy too, even if they can delay that happiness at tmes, the motive remains and if that happy meter isn't filled for too long they will leave and seek it elsewhere. Like the lungs need air, the body needs water, the soul needs happiness. Thanks for your vids! Always so insightful!
This helped me so much in understanding some incredibly painful interactions I’ve had with my mom, brother, ex, etc. You’re not a bummer at all. Sometimes we’ve gotta face those shadows and dark sides and it’s not always pleasant but it’s worthwhile. Thank you. Really. ❤
You are brave to have the courage to admit you are a narcissist, it's not an easy thing to realize and confront it. You are allowed to have emotions and show your vulnerability, that means you're being truly authenticaly you. Hugs
I appreciate your honesty so much. What you tell us so vulnerably is helping me be more aware of certain people who are important in my life and also myself. P.s. I agree, meds are so important. Though I wish I had more medical care for me when I was placed on them because my brain chemistry is permanently altered and I cannot survive without them, not even to reduce dosage. I had too much trust in my psychiatrist and had no idea what those meds could do. I’m worried they contributed to my child’s mental health too. I’m so careful with her medications now. I wish she didn’t need them but she does and there’s a long road ahead for her too.
Self acceptance is the key to everything. But you have to realize to treat people the way you want to be treated. Because Karma catches up eventually. The smartest people in the world know this
This just came across my feed. I've wondered about the presumption of lying/ ulterior motive thing for ages. Same with not actually being able to understand another's character/real emotional drives based on consistent behaviour over time. Chalked these up to projecting one's own internal conflicts. Thanks for clarifying. Cheers. 😊
please dont be sorry- be yourself and reflect with or without us. you are as human as all of us and we are all these broken creatures with vile sides to us. i wish over time u can be open n vulnerable n not ashamed to show the real you and are loved fully for it by a genuine soul. Much love from deep in my soul to yours.
Didnt actually get to watch this all but totally weird thing and sad thing about narcassists is they seem to think this - many of my friends are narcs and it's so weird because I'm probably scapecoatish and it's a bad combination of thinking nobody believes you with people actually thinking you're lying - when you arent !!! bizarre - its sort of tragic tbh - hopefully there are breakthroughs of self awareness in narcissism and codependency worldwide over the coming years - it's a silent killer and thief.
Super interesting. I spent an hour once in a car journey so I couldn't really walk away with my wife screaming at me that I a liar, when I had not. She tried everything she possibly could to try an annoy me and just kept saying, I'm not discussing anything with you whilst you call me a liar. She got more and more deranged. The interesting thing is that I don't think she's a narcissist, and she does this kind of thing rarely. She has C-PTSD from childhood trauma.
At the end he apologizes for taking the time to go deep. I am totally fascinated about his self-realization and just going "there", thank you for that. That was awesome. It hurts to heal.
Also, it's amazing to see you have insight as well as hear 1st person description, because it's a bit different fróm Dr.Ramani. And as a bit traumatized person myself I can relate to the hypervigulance and it helps me understand interactions with some people I've had in my life.
With respect to Dr Ramani, while I respect and admire the enormous amount of research done by her on the subject, she comes across as very bitter towards the narcs she probably encountered in life. Perhaps she struggles to be a bit objective. She's a wealth of knowledge when it comes to NPD, but it certainly is helpful to hear other folks talking about it too.
@@hari325 Her videos are very helpful if you want to identify narcissism as a sufferer of abuse and to move on and not expect miracles. But! It's never a deep dive into actual thoughts of a narcissist. Sure, maybe I heard her talking about narcissistic shame and vulnerability, but I never actually understood what it's like to feel it. I think this might help me better navigate some narcissist people in my life.
@@NatureFreak1127 I remember watching a video of hers where she stated that if she provides too much detail into the inner workings of a narcissist, people may feel sorry for them and might put up with the abuse out of compassion. Look at the other pitying comments under this video. While it is sad that narcs are the way they are, I hope people can differentiate the pity from the consequences they face because of the said narc.
@@hari325 For me personally, I am a little more compassionate now and I can predict their behaviour better, because I understand the motives now. That doesn't mean I want to be surrounded by them. Also, that compassion actually helps me in a weird way - the fact that now I know they suffer too, I guess.
I understand, but if someone is stuck in a damaged relationship with a narc, ideally one wouldn't want them to stay back out of obligatory compassion.@@NatureFreak1127
The last 3 minutes here were very informative! You say you feel as if no one can truly love you for who you are - which explains the need to boast about oneself. You’re trying to give them a reason to appreciate or love you and/or proving your value to yourself. To me, this presents like an empty ego. I wonder if that applies to all narcissists or only some, such as those like yourself; more self-aware and therefore confronting these characteristics. Ever since I started learning more about narcissism, I have been thinking about the difference between a conceited nature and the presentation of narcissists. [ESPECIALLY ever since people have started calling every egotistical person a narcissist. Detecting narcissism requires far more observations than a one-off, of course.] And please don’t be sorry. That was a beautiful moment to witness - and not because you bummed yourself out! That kind of introspection is difficult even for the average person, and THAT is why it was beautiful. Totally understandable that it bummed you out, but I hope it eventually helped you. ❤
I actually really appreciated the way you went into some sort of self deprecating introspection once again I think I said this one another video or maybe this one I don’t know I’m stoned I like to smoke the weed … but the live experience between a narcissist (and at least my personal experience in many other hyperverbal late diagnostic autistic humans know) it’s just such a similar experience but with some polar opposite, I don’t know where I want here maybe a pillars of of truth… of being? I don’t fucking know
The thing is, you really can't know for certain who sees past your facade and who doesn't. It is not necessarily the case that the people who can see past whatever act you put on (and there are some very wise and observant people who don't tell others that they can see through them) aren't also some of the people who love you.
I have so much respect for you. You were so obviously completely honest, open and exposed. I could see that it was not a facade. You deserve to be loved. You acknowledge what you are and the only person that can judge you is God. Thank you for sharing and all blessings to you. I mean this with all my heart. You deserve to be loved and I see you!!!!❤❤❤❤
Growth is noticing the thoughts you had/have sound insane. You're doing that J. Kudos on your journey. Don't give up... we are cheering for you. And don't you be sorry. We like hearing your thoughts.
Thank you very very much for being so brave and honest. We are here to understand you. You may feel pain, lonely, insecure, fear etc, those thoughts are actually a protection for you from being hurt to your core. We do have those thoughts and emotions as well, we do feel that fear as well, we do second guess the words behind someone's motives as well, it's actually normal that we sometimes want to protect ourselves by thinking this way. Therefore, don't blame yourself. The only difference is that, we learn to differentiate who are truly hiding motives behind their words and who are not. There are truly people who hide their motives behind their words, and we should protect ourselves from these people. On the other hand, people who truly loves you will be completely honest with what they say without hiding other motives. Maybe we just have to practise how to distinguish from those will do the trick. And it's ok you think this way. Please don't feel sorry. All of us has a part like this within us. Please don't hate yourself, accept who you are eventhough there are flaws, these flaws only seems like flaws, they are not real flaws, they are just part of you only. There maybe a part of you full of shame, but there is also a part of you full of love and perfections. The positive and negative parts are both you, accept all of them, then you will become whole complete and perfect, you will never feel like you are less than anyone hereafter. You are pefect, you are gorgorious as you are right now. Every so called "weakness" can also become a "strength", it's flexible, we can always learn how to flip everything until you find peace within yourself. You are doing great!
Hello Nameless. This is a general comment that has to do with all of your videos. I just wanted to let you know that I find your channel to be the most interesting channel I have came across on RU-vid. I usually have very low interest in RU-vid videos, but yours fascinate me. I love how honest you're being. The vulnerability you chose to show the world is such a huge sign of strength for people with NPD. You're very strong and intelligent in my opinion, even if you may not believe it behind what you show the world. I hope that someday you genuinely see how good you are & can be, and heal at least a small part of you, even if people say it is impossible to cure NPD. I hope one day you can get close to living the life you wish you can have. Sending love that I hope you accept.
Jacob, may God bless your honesty. You are a true champion and a tremendous healer for many people both narcissists and people who deal with them and truly love them.
The Ego Will Play Games On ALL ....Therapy & Study Consciousness, Drop the labels. Learn Empathy And Practise Being Vulnerable, This is how we heal. Self Love-Consciousness. Peace.
You're great as always, Jacob! 🌞🌟Thank you for your honesty. No, not everyone lies or manipulates. I mean, I personally don't do it. When I understand that someone lies to me or manipulates, I no longer trust this person & just try not to communicate with them anymore as I don't want liars or manipulators in my life. Jacob, please, don't judge people too much that they love only your facade. Just think logically: you show them only your facade. They see only it, nothing else. That's why, please, don't judge people too much for this as they see no other sides of you mostly.
Thank you for saying it out loud, Keep explaining, I'm learning so much from you. I'll be more carful not do drop bricks because it seems to inflict so much pain/shame. You are helping save my life.
Wow...that makes sense, as much as it can for someone without NPD (probably similar to how you feel about someone doing something just bc they love you and want to please you) but even though I knew "he" was never real...you gave me his perspective...how can you trust anyone, if everything about you is a lie? You can't see it any other way, just like we can't. I'm having a hard time articulating. Anyway, I'm so sorry for whatever made you have to feel this way, but thank you so much for sharing this with us. The whole thing sucks, for both sides.
Trust issues are hard to navigate...assumptions and stories get in the way of our ability to effectively communicate and then we project this when we are triggered. I can relate to what you are saying very well because I fall into what you are describing.
Apparently I have a very poor judgement of when their motives are pure" = real progress. Like a driver with poor eyesight can get glasses to function in traffic you can now begin taking the steps necessary to work out a way to compensate for the _predictable_ misinterpretations. Well done!
Thank you for making me understand more about NPD, I’ve been educating myself about it for 3 years and haven’t stopped, I’m always learning something new about this personality type. Thank you again for sharing your journey and information about it. I look forward to watching more of your videos and have subscribed to your channel ❤
I think it’s actually really smart to question people in the fact that a lot of people do have ulterior motives and they don’t say what they mean or mean what they say, but then, in retrospect myself, having autism, apparently, (yeah I’m like binging your videos and making comments. Hopefully it’s not horribly annoying.) anyway I digress, I don’t say things that I don’t mean, unless I am triggered in having a fucking flip out which I don’t have as much now that I know what’s going on with my brain. And I actually think a narcissist for teaching me as much about humans as I know I actually had no idea. People lied so much, which is stupid, but because I literally could count the amount of times I’ve lied on my hands, (this does not include to cops or other officials who could fuck me or my friends over those people get lies, but other than them) I always assumed people were being truthful because I’m being truthful (like I said minus the circumstances involving cops, etc.) I literally lived 38 years of my life without realizing people lie so much but also I didn’t realize all sorts of things because I didn’t know I was autistic …. Great example of something I didn’t know or realize is that people actually want you to say hello goodbye and thank you. Those things are not implied which I guess I thought also they want you to ask questions? I find that strange like I have no reason to push somebody for information they don’t wanna give me… blah blah blah blah blah back to listening to your videos I’m sure I’ll leave 1 million more comments because I find this all very interesting
Don't normalize mental illness or NPD , projection and paranoia about the intentions of others isn't normal and thanks to him to have the honesty and courage to say the truth about NPD
I think self esteem and status regulation is always present in every single interaction there is, but done unconsciously, on a different mode and with a plethora of others hidden agenda. Just like the blind priests, i think narcissists do touch a real part of the elephant, but only a part
