Neglect in Childhood Primes You To Tolerate Avoidant Partners (and Think It's Just You)

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CPSTD may explain why some people are abusive, but does that make the behavior OK? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who planned to leave her abusive marriage -- but then discovered the root cause of her husband's behavior may be trauma during his childhood. Should she give him another chance? Hear my reply.
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28 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 296

@rob5960 2 года назад

“We somehow feel that it is shameful and unspeakable that we want someone to stay with us and to love us.” So much of this here. 💔

@diutrinh1240 Год назад

Yes, exactly. Because people start to label that as “needy”

@Melody-iy9bw 5 месяцев назад

😢😢😢me too

@hwinny2 2 года назад

Everything in me says RUN. Hearing her talk about her boyfriend's behavior, it makes me think he's got serious issues that are not safe for an intimate relationship.

@EvelynLawson 2 года назад

I’m sorry you are going through this pain, but have you tried mircodosing shrooms?...I have researched and found out that shrooms are very helpful, it has really helped my CPTSD, anxiety and depression. I do recommend it for you, contact the handle on my RU-vid title for guidance.

@gillianmurphy2111 7 месяцев назад

Or he has a whole other life like a wife and kids already.

@Thestarrwashington 2 года назад

I dated an avoidant guy. We were coworkers and we only hung out and talked on our lunch breaks. I cringe thinking that I accepted those crumbs.

@Dbb27 2 года назад

Run girl. This man isn’t capable of a loving relationship. You’re hooking up with your father, trying to fix your relationship. Work on yourself. Be the person that will attract the loving emotionally mature man you will come to deserve.

@TheErraticCollector 2 года назад

I married an avoider. 24 years of misery. And now he's alienated my children from me. They have picked up his worst traits. If you meet an avoider, just run.

@mmommo-hx4dx Год назад

I survived 37 years. He tried to turn our 3 against me, after 4 years, its getting better....

@helenpadilla7018 3 месяца назад

Yes , my husband is the same way and did the same thing turned all 3 of my boys against me and i cant see my grandkids . Im just waiting for Gods you reep what you sow to come back and karma hits him right between the eyes 😂

@designchik 2 года назад

It’s sad how easily we “crap fit,” as Anna says. I always think of the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I realise it’s become a clichéd cultural reference, but the essential message is true. If they’re interested, they let you know; it’s really that simple. My friends and I used to spend so much time when I was younger, analysing men’s motives, signals, and intentions. My dad constantly sent mixed messages to my older sister and me regarding a woman’s value. She was very pretty and popular with boys; I wasn’t. My dad would proudly introduce her to family friends but ignore me. Yet, when one guy called our house to speak to my sister, my dad called her a whore and slapped her so hard that he broke her nose. On the other hand, he rejected me because I was “ugly.” When I got older and men started to pay a little bit of attention to me, he got angry. How can you ever have a normal relationship with anyone when the most important man in your life thinks you’re worthless or values you only because you’re pretty?

@bmorr7 2 года назад

@designchik: I'm so very sorry for the pain you've gone through with your father. I hope you are doing well today. 💗

@rebeccatargett7057 2 года назад

@designchik I'm so sorry to hear that you went through this. You might appreciate some of the RU-vid videos by RC Blakes Jr, especially his Father Daughter Talk series. He's a pastor who speaks to the empowerment of women (understanding your value, finding your purpose etc), how to have healthy loving relationships (self love, standards, establishing boundaries etc) and healing the "father wound" (as he calls it). Although I'm not religious, there's always a universal take home message in his videos and the wisdom he provides has helped to fill the cup that I never knew needed filling. Wishing you all the best 💓

@designchik 2 года назад

@@bmorr7 Thank you. ❤️

@designchik 2 года назад

@@rebeccatargett7057 Thanks so much. ❤️

@designchik 2 года назад

@Kimberly A I appreciate you saying that. Thank you. ❤️

@cl5080 2 года назад

My ex and I had an almost identical relationship. I had to do all the driving (3 hrs) to visit him most of the time. When I was there, he wasn’t really present and happy I was there. I felt like a FRIEND WITH BENEFITS. When I shared with him that is what I felt, he dismissed it. About three months after I cut off the SEX, he cut off the relationship. He broke up with me, because I didn’t have the courage to walk away. Wasted 2-1/2 years of my life trying to please HIM, instead of MYSELF.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Glad you're here now, preparing to do the next relationship differently :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@jeanhickman6678 2 года назад

He’s a narcissist….you would do yourself a lot of good to look into this personality disorder because you will attract more of these in your life. It is EXTREMELY eye opening.

@cl5080 2 года назад

@@jeanhickman6678 Actually, I’m almost 100% certain he has Borderline Personality Disorder. Oddly enough, I know that my late father had that too. Only difference between now and then is my dad was anxious and my ex was avoidant. I know he still loves me, but not nearly as much as he HATES himself. He also had a violent temper, mostly yelling at himself and calling himself terrible things, smashing things, etc. I suppose eventually it may have progressed to hitting me, but thanks to God he took off before that ever happened.

@meowsaidthecat5338 2 года назад

I picked my former boyfriend up: 1,5 hrs each way. Then I fell in love with an avoidant person: he ran away.

@alisoncanty1894 Год назад

Maisy's situation is all too familiar and painful to me. About 3 weeks ago, I had a discussion with a man I have known for awhile about needing him to reach out to me rather than me doing all the work. He told me that because of his work he was too busy and would not be able to but would "love" to hear from me otherwise. I said, "So if I don't reach out and text you, then I'll never hear from you again" and he just said, "Sorry." That was the end of it. It still feels like a major punch in the stomach but he was treating me the way I was treated by my parents as a child although I don't blame them because they were treated the same by both sets of my grandparents. The cycle is broken with me!! NO MORE OF THIS!! Thank you, Anna, for such great insight into these issues. I feel understood!!

@MsPingyin 2 года назад

Thank you Anna for another great topic. I think part of me always knows what a terrible and unfulfilling relationship is, but the other part of me tries so hard to wish, hope, and fantasize about what the relationship could or should be. The turning point for me is to realize that the pain of remaining in the relationship us worse than the thought of not having this relationship. Yes, with CPTSD, I can literally put up with anything and believe that is what I deserve (I used to believe it's my fault that things are wrong, nobody loves me, and so on). It took me years to finally understand that there is nothing wrong with me at all, and I should always put myself first.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

YES! -Cara@TeamFairy

@wendyhannan2454 Год назад

Well said ✅ living in hope of change, no way to live. Putting your self first is the away to go but it can be so hard to do.

@lanlam2114 2 года назад

Yes im an avoidant partner, but trust me, I have just realised me in my 30s, and the whole times in my 20s I have never mean to hurt any of my ex

@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy 2 года назад

I would love to see some more content about avoidants! I’m just now coming to the realization, maybe it’s more of the partners I’m choosing instead of me just being so flawed. I’ve been stuck in Limerence and pining for an ex for over three years, when in reality she didn’t meet my standards and there was nothing really there. But I’ve masochistically punished myself the whole time for not being good enough, and being too needy..

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

I've noted this as a topic! -Cara@TeamFairy

@squidink1469 2 года назад

I suspect he is married. Walk away. Run. Now.

@cthornton523 2 года назад

Came here to say this. "Maisie," honey. Run don't walk for the nearest available exit. This fellow is at least living with a woman.

@sedonarose7563 2 года назад

I’m just curious: when we want a close relationship person and they don’t, who are these people who just want to hang out for a couple days a month? Or hang out once a week? Does that make sense? When we are “crap fitting” who are these people who want so little? And is it just a mismatch? Do they just want someone who also just wants to see them a couple days a month…? Why is THIS guy staying in this relationship with her? Why isn’t he seeking someone who wants to just be with him two-three days a month? I’m just curious about these people. Is it just they want the comfortability of knowing someone is “there” while they are the type of person who prefers a lot of alone time…? People are so curious! 🤔

@Goethe2andFro 2 года назад

I just figured the guy was/is cheating. If he isn't, then maybe just to feel he's in a relationship -- a relationship being something he can refer to when he's feeling lonely to not feel so lonely or to feel "normal"? He may have CPTSD as well and actually think that this not-so-real relationship is as good as it gets.

@PhanRegSop 2 года назад

They seek validation that someone cares

@beseez 2 года назад

In answer to your question, I am happy in my own skin. I have created my place of rest to suit me. I work, I garden, I relax quietly in the evening breeze. I enjoy my quiet time. I do not need someone to complete my happiness. I Would be happy to enjoy spending time with someone similar to me. That they have their own interests and life and they allow me in it and when we get together it's just quiet enjoyable fun time. ... finding that type of person is extremely difficult. So what one has to realize is that what you want and what I want are different and we have to figure out if we are willing to work to find the middle ground. Most of the time I am not willing to find the middle ground.

@StuffBudDuz 5 месяцев назад

They're probably people who have many interests and enjoy their alone time. However, if you see what they give you of themselves as "crumbs" then they're not a good match for you.

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

Until recently I didn't know about attachment styles. I am an avoidant and my wife is BPD. She was diagnosed about a year ago and it opened my eyes to why she behaved in the manner she does. It also sparked my interest into attachment styles and personality disorders. Because I am well aware that I am at least half the problem in our marriage. It also made me realize that my marriage is alot like my parents marriage. Operating in the same patterns. My mother anxious and needy whilel my father was emotionally aloof and distance. Like my father I work alot and my wife has affairs. Repeatly my wife has left to pursue her new favorite person and I continue to provide financially to support our family. In three years my youngest daughter be 18.

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

It takes two to tango.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thank you for sharing, glad you're here. -Cara@TeamFairy

@glendastoldt6534 2 года назад

This guy has another girlfriend or a wife. WAKE UP!

@StuffBudDuz 5 месяцев назад

Not necessarily. He could just be someone who doesn't want a full calendar all the time. In that case, he'd avoid having too many friends or more than one girlfriend.

@fruitypopwhickle6806 2 года назад

"No. I get to be loved".

@thatsnotmyname2798 2 года назад

From the perspective of someone who used to be avoidant- it can be extremely draining being around anxious and demanding people. They typically don't accept you as who you are, they project an image onto you that they want to see, and then get mad or passive aggressive or mean when you don't meet those expectations. If you want to get along with a person with avoidant- attachment, try to stay calm and have your own life that you care about. If you put all of the pressure on one person and think they owe you something, it will only continue being bad. Or you can also end it first and find a different person, which is more fair then staying and trying to control/ change someone. As for the person who wrote the letter, there's definitely no future there and I doubt that the person takes you seriously. Hope you leave, good luck ! 💙

@whatever5026 2 года назад

I have a master in clinical psychology and I'm rather a secure person. I dated an avoidant guy for months and I didn't chase him when he was deactivating. I gave him plenty of space and freedom but he would only ask for more lol "give him an inch and he'll take a mile". I've tried plenty of things to make this relationship work but he never really met me half way and ultimately ghosted me after a two year relationship.

@thatsnotmyname2798 2 года назад

@@whatever5026 Oh no that must have sucked 😅Sorry you had to go through that

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

@@whatever5026 that the reason we date so that you can find out who the other person is. Oblivious he is a damage person and not ready for a committed relationship.

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

@Paul Gauthier every relationship is a 50-50 deal. People that suffer from avoidant personality disorder suffered from childhood abuse from their parents or from others in their lives who were supposed to protect them and give them a safe environment in which to grow up. Many of them aren't even aware of how they project themselves to others. Rarely will a avoidant initiate a emotional contact with others because of the abandonment issues that they struggle with. They have to struggle with the fear of being abused or abandoned during any relationship. When things become too stressful for them in relationships they pull away emotionally trying to come to terms with the conflicting emotions that are a result of their childhood issues. Victim? Have a pair of balls and own you responsibility for the relationship. Being and staying in a relationship is a choice no one forces you to remain. It doesn't take long to see others people's insecurities and hang ups if you are paying any attention to what's going on. Recovery for someone with avoidant personality Disorder isn't easy and will only happen when that person realizes their problem and are willing to address the long buried issues that cause them to be so emotionally isolate from everybody else.

@whatever5026 2 года назад

@@mbankslje0nk Sorry I don't get what you mean by " that the reason we date so that you can find out who the other person is". By the way, avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder are two distinct things so be careful with that

@ednasanchez2508 2 года назад

Jeeez what a timing! It shocks me how I am so synchronized with your videos, just exactly what I'm going through... Thank you ✨

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

You are so welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy

@mollyaleena777 2 года назад

Three years of isolating, dating somebody while running on my Cpstd finally going back to in-person schooling in a few weeks . Practicing my social skills and my ability to love ppl again PERIODDD!! Proud of my self!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Good stuff! -Cara@TeamFairy

@kaycee625 4 месяца назад

I feel so sorry for the writer of this letter. She is not being nourished in this “relationship “, if you can even call it that. She needs and deserves so much more.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 4 месяца назад

Thank you for your empathy towards the letter-writer. Nika@TeamFairy

@talesfromtheroad9530 2 года назад

Also, do you have any videos on what happens when you (finally) make it into a relationship with someone who loves you, and suddenly find that you're actually uncomfortable and scared and want to run? I used to date avoidant people, too, and am now in a long-term relationship with someone who is so good and committed to me and securely attached, and I'm so scared I'm going to mess it up. To be honest I almost want to throw it away or make it implode because I'm so scared it will happen on its own.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Funny you should ask! A video on The Urge to Flee is coming out tomorrow, Monday, at 10 am pacific time!

@talesfromtheroad9530 2 года назад

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy YAY! Thank you so much! The medicine I need 🤗

@sarahgrohmusic 2 года назад

This is a long distance friend, maybe. But there is no romantic situation. She said nothing about what she wants. Glad you called it instead of fixing it.

@SM999 2 года назад

I’m a fearful avoidant and I want love more than anything else in the world. I just have trouble communicating what I really want and I always get excited to meet new people but they all disappoint. I think This was the last straw and I’ve come to a poly now where I honestly will say im giving up on love

@mintyhippo8125 2 года назад

I am also fearful avoidant. I have been doing therapy for years, watching videos like these, and not letting highly triggering people in my life anymore (until I had the means to deal with those feelings). I have said many times that I want to give up on love/friends/relationships/family because it was so difficult for me. The first step is saying what you do want. Do you want friends? A relationship? Etc? You can have it. I had to start approaching situations for what they are instead of just how they hurt or disappointed me. I would give the person a chance to change, too. I would bring up issues like “it hurt me when you insulted that thing I like” and when they would say “I didn’t insult it. It is stupid.” Then I would know it was time to back off from that relationship. And as I kept doing that, I would get better at figuring out nicer ways to have those conversations, too. But, bring up the issue with the hope of resolving it is key. For a long time, I would bring up issues with just the point of fighting and that was just a self fulfilling prophecy. You have to want to work it out or it will never be worked out. Like, for real. Not just to make it go away or to make them see that they hurt you, but to get true understanding and connection with the person. To see their side through their eyes.

@MSG66 Год назад

@@paulgauthier7033 agree, sometimes dismissive avoidants hold everyone to an impossible standard, so they subconsciously don't have to deal with a real relationship; they just discard. Its a self fulfilling prophecy, maybe it gives the illusion of being in control. Thats my 2 cents, anyway.

@alexandraclark5334 2 года назад

This woman’s situation is so similar to mine, but it’s even better than mine. My man isn’t even in a relationship with me. We’re exes, but we’re “friends”. For a multitude of reasons moving on has felt so incredibly impossible, even though I know it’s not right or fair to me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

You can! I'm glad you're here. -Cara@TeamFairy

@MSG66 Год назад

same!

@ConstantCompanion 2 года назад

. Agreed. If at all possible, run. But if you can't? At least right now? Work on yourself. These things leave damage and exploit the flaws you had before you knew them. We have to work on our house and do some things before I can leave. In the meantime, I've learned how to deal with these people. Don't think of it as progress for them. It's not. But it can be for you and for your life. You can find happiness while you're healing.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thank you for the encouraging message :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@marciafab7 2 года назад

You are such an amazing intelligent woman. Thank you for this wonderful content. 💖

@spicychai 2 года назад

Hello! Can you talk more about the consequences of a bad relationship and how it can hold someone back?? I need a reality check. 🙏❤️

@jellybean6778 2 года назад

I think you should binge watch her vids and read the stories of those commenting. You'll be empowered and realize what you need to do and what's best for you. She also has courses that could help.

@spicychai 2 года назад

@@jellybean6778 thank you! Appreciate the response.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Lots of these videos, poke around :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@dvillebenny1445 2 года назад

The reason he doesn't want a connection is easy to figure out. Anna is right it is a crap relationship. But not for the reason you think. He avoids any unnecessary contact because he knows some time and some where that you wiII figure out he's not reaIIy a good person in generaI and you wiII reject him. So he keeps you at arms Ienght so you can't figure him out, if he stays the mystery man he gets what he needs with no investment. He wants sex on his time, he wiII avoid any real connection to you so that you can't actually realize he's damaged goods. This is the reason men aIways push the sex agenda first, because if you really got to know them weII you would quickly find out they have a rotten personality, poor interpersonal skiIIs and would never sleep with them if you knew who they really were as a person.

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

You're doing a lot of projecting.

@EmsLionheart 7 месяцев назад

I am in this exact situation. Except we have lived together since 2009. I hate myself more each day and have no way nowhere to go. Plz never EVER settle If you force urself to adapt to where u don't fit, u may become stuck 🕊

@quietreflections18 2 года назад

Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thank YOU too :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@yuk498 2 года назад

This is a very unhealthy equation. I haven't seen the full video but I am hoping Anna will advise you to leave. I have been in such situations. You will keep pouring years into it but nothing will come out of it. First two years are the best time of the relationship. If this is the best, what would worse look like? Your anger is fully justified.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

@bunniewood 2 года назад

wait wait...so this dude is in a long distance relationship...but wont use the phone or text her???!!! WHAT?

@phabulouss1 2 года назад

Is he involved with someone else? That’s the first thing that came to mind. 🤔

@MsDripCoffee 2 года назад

Sounds like he has a local girlfriend or hookup friend. 4 hours isn’t that far. She doesn’t say they meet halfway or he comes to her I hate this guy!!

@meeraraj0 Год назад

You've picked a... turnip! 😂❤

@soniachambers6460 2 года назад

I'm gonna watch this later, reading the title was triggering enough ☺️😁

@gloriawatkins5513 2 года назад

I have watched 3 times you are follow content very consider source ver perfesssional think highly thanks you have my vote

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks so much! -Cara@TeamFairy

@venomousbluefrog 2 года назад

Don't do turnips like that! A turnip will at least sit and be present.

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Год назад

Better to be in no relationship than a bad one.. IMO this is a bad one ...

@rocky1raquel 2 года назад

“Crap-fit love.” 👍🏼

@ashleymichelle0713 2 года назад

Yes and without pot I feel psycho. . . Work in progress

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Small steps :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@kimlec3592 2 года назад

No.

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Год назад

I don't think she'll ever be happy in this relationship... I think she needs to work on her relationship with herself first through CODA,12 Step Programs,Therapy and Medication...

@birdfriday Год назад

What if he SAYS it’s not a committed relationship but you’re monogamous and he treats you better than when you were actually “together”. Emotionally and physically connected, respectful, empathetic, supportive, available and vulnerable… I think it’s just the idea of being trapped that gives him the ick

@sahtification 2 года назад

I'm avoidant

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@deep6301 2 года назад

I don't think we can change someone's basic nature. My cat is never going to act like my dog.

@neferzoe 2 года назад

Thanks 🙏

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

@mintyhippo8125 2 года назад

It’s tricky because I know this behavior makes me feel bad and not appreciated… but then I also know that I cause a lot of problems, too… It has gotten a bit better, but it still leaves me with a hole. Since I’m so reactive, it’s so hard for me to judge when I’m blowing a problem out of proportion and when it’s real… I guess I should just do the daily practice more… I also feel like I’m completely avoidant too, and that’s why I’ve not left lol like, the relationship works for me when I’m not fighting because I don’t really feel like I’m in one most of the time…. (Im not pursuing other relationships but I don’t have to worry about romantic things most of the time…)

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Doing Daily Practice daily really helps :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@mintyhippo8125 2 года назад

For anyone wondering, he doesn’t talk on the phone due to anxiety … he has since been making an effort to text more, too. I know that he doesn’t owe me a certain level of communication, but I included that “need” bit to say my doubts about it. Like, that I am not sure if he is the right partner for me because of it, not that he needs to fix it….

@JND-zf4sg 2 года назад

I am in no way excusing his appalling behavior, this man is not interested in this women. We as humans never deserve to be treated as if we are less than. My addition to this conversation is, I am a woman who is super comfortable doing meetings, have conversation and enjoying interacting, in person. I am absolutely horrible with phone, texting and zoom. I can chat for hours in person and minutes on Tech. Some of us are wired this way.

@JND-zf4sg 2 года назад

@Paul Gauthier i understand how you feel. I am a person who would find it too challenging to date a person that requires me to share and communicate on-line. I need the personal interaction, face to face feels more comfortable for me.

@EmsLionheart 7 месяцев назад

I try every day to start the practices but my adhd and ocd and wbatever else is making me freeze up. Ive never done well in group therapy cuz i berade nyself, tell nyself ny trauma is nothing compared to others...

@ALABRASILIANA Год назад

Thank you for this video... So clarifying

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Год назад

I'm so glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@thelfae7729 2 года назад

I literally just kissed the screen.

@dehsa38 2 года назад

Hope you don't just plain get too used to it to care . Or not...

@miacaruso7631 2 года назад

Fantastic

@kimlec3592 2 года назад

Your face on the front cover of this video says no.

@DeborahJoshua24 Год назад

Sounds like the guy I’m married to.

@mintyhippo8125 2 года назад

Oh boy, when I first heard this response I was NOT ready for it lol I’ve changed a lot in the last month, and listened again with new ears. I think my main issue is that I’m so shut down emotionally that most of the time, I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship and I’ve never known anything better, so I don’t see the point of leaving. Like, I don’t want a full relationship because I can’t be fully present… I’ve just been playing pretend… and that’s why it would be so confusing that I was angry/would fight because I felt so numb to it that I felt like I was almost lying. Humans are complicated lol I also took some time to think about needs vs hopes, and I agree with Anna now lol He doesn’t need to do it for me - it’s on me to find out how to do it for myself. I would like a consistent relationship, but I guess I don’t need it because I’m choosing not to get it lol

@vanshikathakur 2 года назад

❤️

@StuffBudDuz 5 месяцев назад

I agree that if she's not happy with enjoying someone for 3-4 days a month, then she should move on. However, what's wrong with having someone you thoroughly enjoy for 3-4 days a month? I think one option that she should consider is to just embrace it. Accept the joy for 3 days or 4 days. If you know you always get on each other's nerves on the 5th day, then don't schedule 5 day visits. Embrace the relationship. Be happy with having that connection, and be happy with having 26 days to yourself every month. If you encourage her to leave the guy, her next boyfriend might be a cling-on and she'd be wishing she had her space back.

@alisonprendiville5484 2 года назад

🥰

@gloriawatkins5513 2 года назад

Or 5 missispis

@edixasanchezpacheco3692 2 года назад

He has another woman and you are just a cap filler 🤔

@TheFabricTeapot1 2 года назад

I have learned to stop trying to saw the horns off of a goat in order to get a sheep. I no longer try to fix others in order to have a good fit. That's their job. I've learned to be happy with myself until the person for me comes along and in the meantime keep working on myself.

@Ohhhwehere 2 года назад

exactly! ❤️

@KandyKoatedKrafts 2 года назад

I love that analogy!

@mariajmc6557 2 года назад

Saw the horns so difficult yet we try all our lives doing it instead of finding a 🐑sheep...

@FundiThwala 2 года назад

Felt

@Lexi_Con 2 года назад

@Club Retro A lot of the confidence we see in others is an act. (Many of) the ones who seem cool, calm, & collected are the ones who have built a wall of self defense on the exterior bc they've been broken on the inside. It frustrates me bc I'm usually very open & honest (& friendly). People tend to perceive that as weak or vulnerable (based on my experiences), but I think being my authentic self is evidence of more self confidence & strength than the alternative. Be wary of the phonies who seem too good to be true. They usually are.

@beatrixbrennan1545 2 года назад

It's definitely a crap fit and she's in denial of her feelings. This guy seems like he's offering the smallest of crumbs and she's standing by, waiting for them to drop. I've been there. It's agonizing and chips away at our soul's true desires. She needs to take the lead in her own life and stop wasting time on someone who's pretty much completely unavailable. This will never go in the direction she truly desires. I wish her all the best.

@laurabeigh283 2 года назад

If you are a normal and healthy person, no you absolutely cannot be happy with an avoidant. Ever.

@andziagreen4922 4 месяца назад

Yes I agree

@itayb8169 4 месяца назад

What of a self aware avoidant whos making improvements and is directly confronting their issues, although slowlyl?

@sherrir1349 4 месяца назад

@@itayb8169 Wishful thinking. Slowly means confronting at age 30 and resolving at 75.

@robertdeskoski9783 3 месяца назад

@@itayb8169: They're less and less avoidant over time then.

@RuslanIvanyuk-ub8fj 14 дней назад

Except there are no "normal" people, and not too many "healthy" ones, either.

@CB-ei6ez Год назад

Most of us with CPTSD tend to settle for less, or get into toxic relationships with people who aren't emotionally available, I'm learning to trust my gut feeling

@annc6417 2 года назад

Not worth it. Falling in love and loving makes you happy, stronger, calm, secure. Question all else.

@MsBettyRubble 2 года назад

Perfect timing! I have an avoidance ex who makes me feel like crap for just sharing a story. I want a partner I can talk to.

@otterchaos666 2 года назад

The title can you be happy with an avoidant partner. Short answer - no. Not without tolerating a lot of heartache.

@beseez 2 года назад

Actually, I disagree with this People are social creatures, and crave interaction. In the other millions of other personalities, you'd not fit. There's a craving for social interaction. There's tons who do not crave that. Neither are wrong in what they want. You, yes You, need to be self aware in how you crave need desire interaction. Then evaluate the person you are with to see if your "social neediness" are similar. If you do not mesh in that social neediness scale, then breaking contact is your best option Devaluing someone because they do not feel or think the same as you, is an unjust comment.

@Potatoslice 2 года назад

I find so much validation in these videos. 15 minutes here accomplishes way more than years of therapy and I've been told by multiple professionals that I have tons of awareness/ more awareness than anyone they've worked with (twice).

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Appreciate your support! -Cara@TeamFairy

@Lexi_Con 2 года назад

I agree. Unfortunately, it seems like counseling/therapy has become a business. I've always hated the so-called "client-centered" approach bc it doesn't work with me unless the counselor knows the right questions to ask. I'm an overthinker who always did a lot of self reflection, so I usually had already thought of everything anyway. Most of the ones I worked with just said, "How are things going?" & sat there for 50 mins. Not even worth my co-pays.🤨😕

@roccosims 2 года назад

You picked a turnip LOL. That's a good one, I'm going to remember that one.

@erinmarks4079 2 года назад

No more accepting mere crumbs! We deserve to have the whole cake and to eat it too! 🍓

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Yes! -Cara@TeamFairy

@talesfromtheroad9530 2 года назад

WOW, Maisie, are you--what, 23, 24?--and this self-aware already? I have so much confidence you're going to find your way and find a relationship that feels more like a feast and like you won the lottery 🤗

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for throwing Maisie some support :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@deborahlincoln-strange622 2 года назад

I dated someone once who didn't like to talk on the phone. We could only communicate through text or email. It didn't feel normal to me.

@MSG66 Год назад

Mine loved phone calls, as long as he set them up ahead of time. Loved emails too, but absolutely no texting. (He couldn't handle the accessibility.) He would ignore it altogether, and even had issues with in person meet ups. Lovely guy otherwise, tons in common, and genuine love. He was just abused a lot as a kid, and didn't want to face it to get help. DIsmissive avoidants sometimes are like that. I had to walk away. This was a reconnect, we dated years ago and his avoidance just got worse over time. At least we saw each other more, then.

@beatrixbrennan1545 2 года назад

@jacklinezawadi4689 2 года назад

Llllll

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for chiming in :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@brightphoebesays 2 года назад

I wish I'd had this wisdom when I was 22 and got together with the avoidant man I married at 23. He was shy and self conscious and I thought that was cute and I could relate cause I had self esteem issues too. We echoed each other. He once complained that in the eyes of others we were like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. He became unemployed, and and we became co-dependent. When his self worth plummeted, he squirreled me away and it was emotional abuse. It took me 12 years to decide to leave him, to build up the self worth. Maisy! You deserve better! Keep shopping!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for sharing your experience here! -Cara@TeamFairy

@bridaw8557 Год назад

I understand about marrying an avoidant man hoping if um good enough I’ll earn his being open with hi,self and me. I can’t change him, but I can give myself what I need and grieve the loss of what I longed for.

@brunamagrini9014 10 месяцев назад

I think that Maisy needs to move on. She has abandonment issues needing love and attention and he is avoidant. This is just toxic and copendant and not worth it

@MostlyCloudy 2 года назад

He's married.

@bendietrees 2 года назад

My boyfriend is autistic and I feel very alone in our relationship sometimes. It's not cause he means to be emotionally distant but I don't think he really knows how not to be....there's no malicious intent. He does try. It often feels like our relationship is parent/child and it makes me tired because I just want to be taken care of sometimes and feel feminine.

@alejandrabonita8355 2 года назад

Get rid of him I had a 7 yr relationship like that. Time wasters move on. He cant give u what u need and why would you waste your time with someone who's not all there and autistic?? You like being a parent/ teacher?? You will waste ten years of your life.

@AmandaMG6 2 года назад

Valid points

@PhanRegSop 2 года назад

I married someone on the spectrum.. and I left them bc they hurt me too many times, maliciously or not

@Lexi_Con 2 года назад

I get it because I've wondered if mine is on the spectrum (undiagnosed & high functioning?). Not an expert but some research has made me curious. Are these characteristics? Lacking in emotion & physical affection, unless you remind him? Avoids eye contact and/or nodding, smiling, responding when you're talking to him? Doesn't laugh at your jokes (mine may just not be paying attention) or acknowledge what you are saying or feeling? I don't mean any judgement by this & understand a diagnosis won't happen here... Just really confused about my friend & think I might be able to relate to your situation. You're not alone. ❤️

@jamiesexton2522 2 года назад

I have dealt with this for 20 years. Finally got up the nerve to file for divorce.

@mare2723 2 года назад

If anyone’s ever used the phone to emotionally terrorize you, it can be really hard to even have the ringer on for years later.

@ChamStar625 2 года назад

I still tense up almost everytime I hear my text notification thinking it's my narc mother threatening or accusing me of something all over again

@katemoffitt1641 2 года назад

I’m guessing he has brain damage. I have a friend I’ve known for 30 years. She is exactly like this. Never sits still, pacing around, exercising outdoors all day. Only got worse as the years went by. She was hit in the head with a hammer by a loved one when she was a child. She is extremely self-centered too. A person can hit their head from a fall or even a minor accident and get serious brain damage. So, IMO, it would be ok 2b friends with him… but I’d find another person for a love relationship if I were her.

@jasenkavukelic5047 2 года назад

This is very interesting!

@jellybean6778 2 года назад

One possibility among many more likely issues, including one or more personality disorders, already married or seeing multiple others. They are long distance so he can safely have other lives she doesn't know about. (That even happens without the geographical distance.)

@jeanhickman6678 2 года назад

He has another life going on. That’s why he doesn’t do phone. You have something that supplies him but he’s not willing OR ABLE to commit. He’s a narcissist and he’s using you for peripheral supply. He’s cheating on someone and it’s WITH you, not ON you. I presently have a traveling husband who travels and is gone to three cities four days a week, three weeks out of the month. He has one in every city. It doesn’t get prettier. The Childhood Fairy is sweet and doesn’t mention this…..I speak the truth and don’t have anything to loose.Dump this guy! I don’t tell you this with insensitivity, and I could possibly be wrong but I sure don’t think so.

@deannfrey3469 2 года назад

This man has a relationship with someone else. That’s why he won’t talk or text. He doesn’t want to get caught by the other person.

@CatgirLinKC 2 года назад

I think he seems more like he's on the Autism Spectrum....

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

@jenniferspisak5459 2 года назад

He probably takes the walks by himself to talk to his girlfriend

@mariepeartree5018 2 года назад

Wow What a cold hearted creep keeping her cut off emotionally like that and the coldness of not wanting to talk on the phone, etc. Run dear girl run!! I had a relationship with a creep who before marriage called me often to connect during the week and even every night before bed he would call me and pray with me on the phone. It was all an act.... after I married him he cut me off emotionally in every way and when we were apart never called, never even bothered to call when he would not show up for dinner. It disgusts me how cold hearted some people are. I love all your comments Anna and how you reinforce the fact that we deserve to be loved and we were fooled and messed up while growing up rendering us vulnerable to these creeps. Thanks for your videos and God bless you and the writer of the letter!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for sharing with us! -Cara@TeamFairy

@laurafennell9084 2 года назад

You could last with an avoidant if you can suppress your desire to connect and grow...they are stuck so they're emotionally saturated and are what they are...any growth comes from life experiences as life is the best teacher and as sad as it is, sometimes walking away teaches them to do better...for another...maybe...

@mare2723 2 года назад

Some of us are avoidant. When my repressed memories of terrible abuse and torture surfaced I lost consistent access to my will. Not being able to do what you want or need to do when you used to be a very high functioning person is excruciating. I didn’t like her general statement about avoidance because we can love and we can be comforted and I am very loyal. Just wanted to stand up for people struggling with avoidance.

@ievolcisum 2 года назад

Heck yeah

@EvelynLawson 2 года назад

@sophiafara5997 2 года назад

Healing is possible :-) Be gentle on yourself!

@ebbyc1817 2 года назад

It saddens me that as recently as a few months ago, in spite of eeeeeeeverything I have read, and watched, I couldn't even tell that I was dealing with avoidant people. Bascally half of 'me' was ignored, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams,..., my struggles. And I didn't even notice. And if it did come up, it wouldn't last very long, before the subject would be changed, abruptly, or the conversation ended. Because I too am avoidant, by nature. (Invisible) I do not look for anything, from anyone. Everything is within. So i do not notice when I am not getting what I need. I tihnk it is important to distinguish between emotional avoidance, and narcissistic avoidance. The latter is what you should run away from. Narcissistic avoidance aims to hurt you, it is avoidance with a purpose, it is used strategically, to elicit a response, to punish, to torture, to satisfy the whims of whatever the narcissist is feeling at the time (boredom, insecurity, rage...) Emotional avoidance, the tendency to shut down when overwhelmed, is very different. It is not unempathetic, one can be close, but in conflict it is difficult to stay 'in' the conflict, it is also very difficult to express antagonising feelings, feelings that mgiht antagonise the other, like "No", or " I don't want to", or "I don't like that". Being in a fight feels like being under attack, like in a war with the other side spraying bullets. You have to hdie and duck for cover, find a trench, and hopefully come out later, when it feels safe again. It isn't intended to punish or hurt. Do not confuse narcissism or arrogance, a lack of empathy, or immaturity, with avoidance. Avoidance, like Anxiousness, is a reaction to stimuli. One shuts down, the other goes into overdrive.

@mintyhippo8125 2 года назад

Right, I’m avoidant, too lol I can tell when other people are being avoidant, but I still don’t know when I am sometimes since it’s my default 😅

@carlaeagleson916 2 года назад

I understand what you’re saying but whether it’s intentional or not it still hurts. The affects on the neglected partner are the same. This is what I came to realise after watching hundreds of RU-vid videos about dismissive avoidants, it’s sad they had a childhood that made them like that but at the end of the day they cause a lot of pain and disappointment and don’t make good healthy relationships. If they care about others and want to stop hurting people then they’ll get out of the dating market and get the help they need for themselves

@ebbyc1817 2 года назад

Imagine if someone said that to you. That because of your issues, you should "get out of the dating market" Are you sure you're not causing hurt too? I mean, if you're capable of saying that, then you have the ability to hurt. Because you've just, hurt. And you've just demonstrated what I mean, by "attacking". you've taken my comment personally, as if I were responsible for what you feel or what happened to you, and chosen to attack, or condemn, rather than empathise. This is a classic avoidant-anxious. Anxious projects their feeling outwards "you hurt me!", avoidant can't hit back, so they run.. maybe this is why those sorts of relationships are satisfying to those who stay in it, you basically have someone to blame for everything you feel, because they will never come at you, the way you go at them. Everyone will hurt you at some point, no matter what their attachment style is, because they are human. Holding other responsible for the hurt you feel will only bring you more pain. if you're hurt, get out of the relationship. Don't blame the other for your choice to be with them.

@ebbyc1817 2 года назад

@@mintyhippo8125 Rigiht? :) It's really bad when you're unaware of it, because you're hit with a double whammy of not getting your needs met and being ignored - people think they're meeting your needs when they're chasing you to meet their needs. Like "can't you see I love you, I call you to talk to you, everyday!" but also putting secure people who can meet your needs, behind a barrier. Secure people are rare. I can see all the missed opportunities now. Dammit. Well at least I'm trying :)

@Teach.Experience.Dance-Vicky 2 года назад

I agree about not confusing narcissism and avoidance I also think we shouldn’t confuse selfishness with narcissism because we can all be selfish and arrogant When you were describing it being difficult to say no and ‘feeling under attack ‘ were you describing how it feels as an avoidant, or your reaction to one ? Sorry if I didn’t follow..

@tricksie88 2 года назад

I love that you said partners are not meant to meet our 'needs' we are meant to do that. They either meet our hopes and desires or they don't. It's up to us to make decision if we're content with what they have to offer.

@ValentijnEnJack 2 года назад

Oh my, time to feel confronted. Thank you, Anna.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

@anotherplanet5828 2 года назад

He sounds like my husband, an Aspie

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

In both of my marriages my wives were the one's that did the pursuing after we met. As someone that has avoidant personality Disorder it's not in my nature to take the risk putting myself in a position of being rejected. I never pretended to be anything other than I was. They both knew I was quiet and introverted and wasn't comfortable being at social functions. Things were great at that stage of our relationship. A social butterfly I am not nor did I pretend to be one. I am not one to deal with alot of conflict or drama. Or am I going constantly fight over things that can't be changed. Your sure not you going to change me into being what you want me to be. From my childhood I have alot of abuse issues that have affected who I am. I didn't ask to have or to have to deal with these issues. There just a fact of my life. Both of my wives thought that they would be able to change me. I am not a mean or vindictive person I am just who I am. Who's to blame you if chose the fantasy of who you wanted me to be rather who I really am. I am and having been trying to deal with my childhood abuse issues and there effects upon my life. I am ok with who I am today.

@Sofiarey285 2 года назад

I wish there was more perspective from your side. My avoidant (ex) best friend (because are you ever in a relationship with an avoidant? we spent hours every night online together for 2 years as "friends" until I had enough, anyway...) and I both knew we had issues, I thought we could face them together and I would have been happy to remain just friends had he worked on his issues. When I see a problem with myself I want to fix it. He, like you seem to be, didn't care to. So okay. He was still very self-aware. He told me "I can't love you, I don't even love myself. You will be disappointed." And even though this hurt, and I miss him every day, I am thankful he was honest. I just don't understand, why not try to work on yourself if you know you have issues? How can you spend so much time with someone and just let them go if that will make you unhappy? There is just a lot I don't understand. I understand from the perspective of others who are working to heal and from other anxious types, but there is a reason not many avoidants are in the comments of these types of videos. It seems to be only anxious people want to do the work. Please don't take this as bashing Avoidants, I still love my former best friend, we are just not in each other's lives, and that's okay.

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

@@Sofiarey285 in regards to having a personality disorder can you really ever fix your issues or is it trying to be aware enough to to live with the issues that your PD creates in your life. More like trying to modify your perceptions and your reactivity to those perceptions. In my case with my borderline wife she is the one that is unwilling to address her issues not I. We are still married because when she does one of her splits both mentality and physically. I just keep things at home going until she crashes, burns and returns home. With her you're either on the pedestal or kick to the curb. In regards to relationships/marriages it is the avoidant that is more likely to keep the relationship/marriage together.

@lealea6020 2 года назад

You should try deal with your issues before you get into a relationship.

@mbankslje0nk 2 года назад

@@lealea6020you deal with life's issues as you become aware of them. I have been clean and sober since 1-15-1989. I have also been addressing the issues from being a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I met my wife at my AA home group when she started attending the meeting. Until a year ago when my wife got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder I wasn't aware that personality disorders even existed. One of the things that I have learned in my recovery is that I don't dwell on should have and could have because you just have today.

@mariamoooooo Год назад

@@mbankslje0nkWhy are you getting in relationships if you know you can’t do it or need to work on yourself? It’s not fair to you or your partner

@ann-gelaholloway 2 года назад

It is easy to get into a relationship. And so hard to get out of one. This has been so true for me. Why can’t I just leave without wondering about “what if he changes?” Or “What if he just goes back to his ex anyway?”

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

That's the CPTSD talking, Daily Practice really helps with clarity :) bit.ly/38JfzK1 -Cara@TeamFairy

@lpgirl Год назад

Anna, you have certainly found your gift in life. You are so appreciated for your insights. Thank you for this video!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Год назад

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

@sarahwarnock2707 2 года назад

I just keep hearing Janet Jacksons "what have you done for me lately?"

@anhangamirim 2 года назад

That testimony was very helpful. I'm living that exact situation, and I decided to cut the relationship, and after hearing that I know I was right to do that. Thank you, thank for both of you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

@allysiren Год назад

oml horrible. avoidant men should not date unless they are in therapy actively changing and working on their issues.

@nancyanson8255 2 года назад

Anyone else see the boyfriend as someone who had 2 girlfriends? He didn't want texts, phone calls, or facetimes. Why? Cause his "home sugar" would see the communication on his phone!! I thought this was obvious.

@sosororo4891 2 года назад

Hopes and desires ..not needs.. wooooow ..thank you Fairy.. itis beautyful concept.

@smileyface702 2 года назад

I love the compassionate, straight-talking way you answer these letters, Anna. Thank you. I found the needs vs hopes distinction very insightful. It goes well with the idea I've heard that you need to fill your need buckets half way and the other half is met through various relationships.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy 2 года назад

So glad it resonated! -Cara@TeamFairy

@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537 Год назад

Great content. I was very much avoided in childhood and learned to be invisible. I stumbled into several toxic relationships and now find cluster B types lazy in their distribution of time/support etc. “love”. Her 5% gets 110% from me every time, when and where she demands it. Then the devaluation 3% then the discard 1% then I’m left at nothing. Til the next Hoover 5%. Broken today. Coda meeting tonight tho. 🙃