Trauma Reactions That Ruin Your Chances at Love 

its amazing how neglectful parents can destroy our lives 30 and 40 years later

Kati, you are not alone. I didn't date for 8 years then someone kissed me. The happy, fun person that I was disappeared and I became a wreck, laughing one minute then crying the next. I checked my phone constantly and gave up my job . I had a full blown panic attack in a nail shop when I saw a girl that I thought he liked. What else should I expect though when my mother couldn't stand the sight of me and treated me with such hatred all my life. I'm going to do Anna's dating course.

Alcohol Plus CPTSD equals nuclear meltdown.

Irrational decisions is a defense mechanism I found myself making 😢 I can relate to wanting to just get ova the “overthinking” when in reality it was my intuition/ discernment.

I don't think Facebook is the best place to look for a mate... If I was looking ..

wonderful Anna, thank you again (and again!) I'm 62, love what you do. I had a revealing moment recently when I realised that I'd been apologising to my depressed mother for being born. It was such a sad moment, but in its own way very cathartic. So dating someone who seems to like you opens a tsunami of the acceptance you've been craving since birth. That's a lot of pressure for someone who doesn't know you and you don't know. Ugh! Anyway, your channel is one of the reasons I'm far more accepting of myself. Self-compassion should help with dating, I hope!

“Healing feels good!” “Healing is fun!” ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ love these statements!! 😊😊😊😊

Hi Anna, I appreciate all you do! ✨🧚🏻‍♀️ I am sharing from my experience. I tried A.A. twice, and went to literally tons of meetings each time, took sobriety chips, got a sponsor, etc… for about one year each time, once at 24 yrs old and again at 56. Both times, I got a lot out of it, but I quietly left b/c I was re-traumatized by the “group think” and frequent disappointment of old fashioned invalidation, blame …examples: 1.) you were drunk, so any teen rapes, are actually your fault… 2.) there is no such thing as depression in A.A.… 3.) we don’t believe in trauma, if you have trauma, it’s b/c you have not done the steps thoroughly enough, and you have not let it go. Plus, there are many recovering addicts that are stuck in their story, sharing drunk/drug-a-logues, even after being asked not to. For someone with Cptsd, this was a disaster for me. While there are a lot of good people at A.A., there are also the beliefs that the group holds on to that are way outdated… remembering that the organization is slower than molasses to update any of their literature… copyrighted in 1939, 1955, 1976, and the last update was 2001. The A.A. literature is actually *still quite sexist, and I noticed over and over, the group think just brushes it off. I do agree that the 12 steps are amazing. 🙏🏻💕I still recite some of the prayers and I do practice all of the principles I learned there, but especially the all women groups were triggering for me. I was told that there is no such thing as Cptsd! I choose to meditate twice daily, for 20 min. Journalling, too… so essential… and I find art therapy, music and acting lessons have helped me the most with finding and keeping emotional regulation…. gentle exercise, a no sugar diet…. and I listen to really good talks on Cptsd, every single day, my favourite are the one’s you give here. I never realized limerence is a Cptsd thing! I know it, all too well. Understand it… finally… thanks to you! 🙏🏻 I know A.A. is a good program, but… personally, I don’t recommend it for anyone with a history of sexual abuse, or childhood domestic violence. I love your channel, b.t.w. Thanks for listening ✨🧚🏻‍♀️✨☮️💟✨

Strong disagree on the whole "kissing on the first date" thing. The first date is not the best time for physical contact. And as the fairy has said in the past, intimacy does things to your chemicals, making it harder to break up if it turns out the relationship is a bad fit. This is a small part of the reason why the writer is obsessed with the guy. It's because she's under the high of romance.

I'm getting to know a guy online. He's emotionally interesting to me, but I didn't feel limerence and thought there was something wrong with me. It's nice to know it's okay.

Great insight Anna. I appreciate how are you are firm, but so gentle, at the same time. I also wonder if going home, back to the same town where I assume Katia’s painful childhood experiences happened, may have contributed to these feelings.

I felt afraid to watch this video but I did it anyway...I empathized, laughed from that same place, I cried, I've come so far yet still I feel so helpless when it comes to limerence. I felt comforted and present again, thank you :)

ALANON meetings help me to stay calm, and remember to take care of myself.

I appreciate your videos so very much. Thank you!

MEND YOURSELF!!!

Too busy with my model car hobby to date anyway .

I feel so much for this girl. She is so self aware and sound like she's more together than she gives herself credit 12:20 we name it and we cure it

I think he came on too strong to begin with... What was he expecting??

Honestly I feel more bad for the guy than I do the girl. I went into this with sympathy for the girl but the guy is the real victim here

Thank you 💯

Peeled grape. Haha you got me again 🤣

I haven't date anyone since 2010. Six years without a date sounds a small amount of time. Yet, this is all too familiar.

I relate

Poor guy lol

‘Limerance can only happy when you don’t actually know somebody.” - Anna

Anna and her work here really is a gift. Appreciate the amount of time put into these videos. They seem to be just on time most every time. Thanks to y'all at the ccf team for all you do 💛

One thing I've discovered to break an obsessive thought train - because it feels like a runaway locomotive - is to brush my teeth. It forces me to focus on myself (self-care), the minty taste of toothpaste is a sensory jolt (refocusing my attention) and it keeps me from binge eating or drinking anything (the toothpaste alters the taste). And I have a bright and shiny smile. Bonus!

I think people are using the term “narcissist” way too much. Everyone is self-absorbed and has narcissistic tendencies to a point- it’s human nature. Labeling other people narcissistic is placing all the blame on the other person instead of acknowledging what we have brought to the table- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

One thing that I see too is that she feels like lying about herself will get her the results that she wants- like if I lie and say I’m the cool/chill girl when I’m really not feeling that way, then I’ll get rewarded with a relationship. This, I think, is because we were taught to lie about ourselves so much in childhood to get love from our parents- please them with whatever they want and suppress our thoughts likes and opinions just so we can get a little security from them. Then we do this w friends and lovers and we kind of know we can’t keep up the charade forever in the back of our mind and then boom… panic and anxiety and then the desire to set the whole thing on fire then feeling like a failure!

I quit dating years ago it’s just not worth the turmoil, single and mostly happy

“Someone who thinks you’re worth it rather than you being this little tiny peeled grape out in the world trying to pretend that you’re as tough as a rock” 🥺. You hit the nail on the head. Needed to hear this. I haven’t dated anyone in 2 years either or been sexual. Her story is so similar to my behaviors and I experienced what you guessed. It is soooo vulnerable and what keeps me going is I want to heal my way into the person’s arms who finally is safe & wants to take me as I am. Your words were much needed encouragement not to give up

Healing is freeing and awesome. Does not guarantee ANYTHING in the realm of relationships but you’ll have a great relationship with yourself.

Wow. I feel her on this experience. I’ve been there before. Childhood trauma is terrible

I love hearing these stories. A lot of us have been this woman or parts of her but felt like it was just us making bad choices. Thank you, Anna for encouraging her and all of us to heal.

the stuff you said about tarot and astrology regarding relationships is spot on. I used to watch it to justify a guy's actions but not anymore. If I do watch it, it's for entertainment or general guidance but nothing major.

It sounds to me like the kiss may not have been as welcome as Anna seemed to think. The stalking social media isn't only positive obsession (I want this person) it can be defensive (I need to make sure this person won't actually hurt me). The trick is to figure out WHY you're freaking out over a new person. If there's an abuse issue under there, anyone who makes a quick move can activate that "I need to find out all I can about this person and gain their approval or they may hurt me" reaction. The whole fallout really feels like that to me. Just my 0.02, but I wish you luck!!

When I was first healing, and getting out into the dating world, after a date--particularly if it went well and we were attracted to each other -- I would "check in" with myself, and let whatever wanted to come to the surface to do so, and to be honest with myself. I discovered it's possible to feel contradictory emotions at the same time: "I'm excited because we're attracted to each other, and beginning to build something" and "I'm a little scared, because now I'm more vulnerable". Protect yourself and be compassionate with yourself as you would a child. You can protect yourself with your own boundaries, and allow yourself to relax a bit because you learn to trust yourself and your process. I found that I would have to take "baby steps" in terms of physical affection, and check in with myself in real time "How does this feel? Do I feel safe? Do I want to continue or slow down/stop?" You're in charge!

“I would really like to kiss you, is it okay if I kiss you?” ….I think this is the best approach, passion and intensity can follow later, but asking first feels so much better and respectful for me personally. 😃

Absolutely agree 100% about alcohol and CPTSD. Stop drinking, and the triggers become more manageable. There is still a lot of work to do around healing, but sobriety is a huge help along the way.

You doing the Lords Work here. We need to get your message to 18-21 year olds and help them not to mess up their lives because they were abused.

Hobbies can be a wonderful way to find yourself and meet others with common interests... And a way to get over someone because your brain is involved in something and you're not sitting around dwelling about the person ..

Your material is so brilliant. It puts a lot into perspective. I started seeing a counselor and the main objective for going was that I wanted to start dating and seeing people again. I mentioned that I had trouble in my relationships and trusting people. The counselor just sorta looked at me crossed eyed as if to say this might be above my pay grade 😒. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and also have issues from a sibling suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I am going to continue listening to your videos as they are so brilliant and I don't think a lot of therapists get this detailed. Keep posting! Thank you 🙏🏻

I learned from this channel I have cptsd. The excitement of interest can get the cptsd energy rolling down hill too fast without hard braking from the onset. Not beating yourself up and keep moving forward. Honor yourself because honestly you are all you have when all chips may fall. Build a strong foundation that doesn't wash away at any moment of trails

My husband just told me he's getting an attorney. He can't take my meltdowns anymore. I'm heartbroken. PS. CPTSD ripped open 10 yrs ago by his betrayal and my triggers are all attractive women...can't really avoid them. I feel so hopeless.

“Emotional Sobriety”…. what a beautiful term!!❤

For me the most upsetting thing about this entire story, is that she asked him to block her and then asked him if he'd blocked her. That just made, all of the hairs on my back go up. Like wooooh.. It's controlling. She's stalking him, she's telling him what to do...and they've been on, one date. The weird thing with the kiss, and the sex, or the almost sex, it all sounds like a control dynamic. It's like treating the other person like a puppet. Like an actor in your play. It's bad....it's really, reallyy bad.

My lord! I'm in the exact same story. Thank you God for this encouragement. Also in AA and codependency therapy for the last year. I'm on the right track

Learn to BE CALM PRACTICE being calm.

"Oh text him, tell him he is as$hole" I laughed at loud. LOL

20:02 It really works. I woke up every morning. Wrote a letter to him. Then that was it for that day After about 2 weeks I felt... like I had explored my feelings & said what I needed to say. Then I put those letters in my bottom draw and that was the end of it

I wish her quick healing this lady...when we are ready for love, we might fall into a hole 🕳️... Extra cautious is needed...

This is evidence that even taking 6 years off dating doesn't help

I feel for her, I really, really do. 😔❤️ However, Anna, I laughed out loud when you said you don't buy drugs and carry them around and look at them. 🤭

this is such a beautifully spoken piece of content… Thank you for this This is one of the reasons I really strongly urge people I work with in life coaching to reconsider the usage of the term narcissist… And understand more importantly narcissistic injury… There’s a really great book called ‘the drama of the gifted child’... it goes into different aspects of attachment wounds. Many of us whether we perceive ourselves to be empaths or we perceive others to be narcissists actually are struggling from different types of attachment wound. Many of our unconscious wounds become our conscious will... and until we can reconcile the triggers of those wounds by working profoundly on moments that present themselves with deep emotional gravity and rewire them… Many relationships end up being like virus is running their course.

I don't know if I'm in a good enough spot to watch this video right now. I'll put it on my watch later.

Geeezzz. So close to home. At 55 I learned I had been codependent on broken, narcissistic men. Finally got away from all of that , was single for 3 yrs, was never looking for anyone then met my soulmate! Now I am caught in a whirlwind of emotions and cannot just let things go at the pace it's going. Slow. I'm trying to speed it up. I have no patience because in my head if I don't hurry up and grab it, I lose it. 😒 SMH I'm all kinds of screwed up. Thanks mom and dad

Painting and doing volunteer work helps me to not think about ...

Oh shit, this is gonna be hard to watch but it must be done.

Warning, automatically calling a another person a narcissist could set one up one w a false sense of having no accountability in the situation or blind them to why they were drawn to the situation.

I just learned what Relationship OCD was about and the symptoms

I really needed this … I can relate on sooo many levels 😩.

A couple years ago I was able to move from dating men who were awful to me to getting to know very nice and respectful guys I was attracted to who would be cool for a bit but right before things would step up, they’d suddenly tell me that something came up for them and they’d apologize to me and be so kind etc, they’d insist the very abrupt change in direction and new lack of interest wasn’t my fault at all… But it’s happened several times now. I’ve been convinced it’s something on my end. This is it I think. This is the battle I’ve been fighting lately. Thank you Fairy for posting this when I most need to recognize my current struggle too. All the best!

Just telling him to "Have a nice life " is enough to get the point across...

I’m a 32 year old man and I fully relate to this story and recently! My heart goes out to you and hope you get the help you need! 🙏❤️

Hi Anna, I've been watching you for some time now recommended by a friend from a PTSD group I attended. Thank you so much, I really really related to this video. I',m in a much better place after ACT but the same thing happened to me in a new relationship, accepting crumbs with an addict. I also realise I get into limerence & using sex to cover up how I feel. I will try to delay sex in the future as I really want to feel safe in an honest relationship & be myself. Thanks again.

This is why I stay single....

If I may be so bold, I wonder if the move with her sister was actually motivated by the guy? she said she had been talking to him already when the few month move happened.

i did almost exactly this a few months ago. empathy to the writer, it's not a personal failing that you backslid, & you writing into anna shows that you want to really heal. thank you so much for your letter, it really helped me gain more insight. thank you anna for your priceless work.

I love this 10:18 I can’t stand people who take horoscopes, zodiac, tarot, and etc…, so seriously‼️‼️‼️

I recommend people watching the movie 🍿 The Mirror has Two Faces.

Especially after you don't talk about them or think about them for a while you quit dreaming about them. It justs becomes a distant memory

12 steps and CODA first...

This story was cringey. I feel so bad for this woman.

I just love your videos. Keep it up!

I'm 38 and only dated one guy for 2 months who love bombed me and made fake promises to only start acting flaky after sex.I also was pushing him away as felt like u was getting attached to him.When I said I loved him, he freaked out and run away to obly cyberstalk me daily for 1.5 years with no single attempt to contact me.I have been listening to tarot readings a lot and I know he misses me ( other wise he wouldn't be cyberstalking me daily for so long) I wanted a full commitment as that's what I was ready for and started feeling insecure when he chose his buddies over me after we got intimate. He also said he wanted me to meet his parents and create family together but once I agreed he said he didn't expect me to say yes to that. I feel like I got victim of my own cptsd

Wish I'd discovered you sooner but am so grateful I have. You feel familiar - we've been through the same crap. I really look forward to playing your videos and following your writing practice. Thank you 💕

I reached out to a psychologist and learned about cognitive distortions. Studying those and seeing where I use them has helped me soo much in understanding my trauma wounds and that it’s all in my head

While it’s good to take a break from dating sometimes, I do think it makes sense you’d become obsessed with the first person you find after being totally alone for 6 years because you’d have a scarcity mindset. I know her behavior was related to attachment issues, but I honestly don’t think it was THAT abnormal considering the circumstances After being single for 6 years, you’d put a lot of stock into the next guy you meet and see it as this life or death situation. It makes sense she’s devastated that it didn’t work out, but I think sometimes embarrassing situations like these happen, and it’s just one guy. It isn’t the end of the world. Being isolated can make ANYONE weak. I think fantasizing about and social media stalking the first person you dated after 6 years, even if its after only 1 date, isn’t THAT abnormal or indicative of mental illness, even if it isn’t helpful for that person. She seems to think something is seriously wrong with her and I don’t think that’s the case.

Adopted people experience this, while at the same time being told by family, friends and all of society that we are so lucky to have been adopted. What? I'm "lucky" that I was not raised by my mother? Would you say that to someone whose parents died in an accident?

6 years without dating? I'm 30, and I've never been on a date in my life. I was sexually abused but am still a virgin. I've never had a job (I'm a disability pensioner) or any friends who weren't online pen pals. Until 10 months ago, I was held in emotional captivity by an abusive family. Growing up, I'd been taught to believe my problems were because of autism or some other form of mental illness. I have a brother with atypical autism and my whole family was waiting for me to get sick until, of course, I did. I've survived multiple suicide attempts, prison, violent confrontations with family members, and even what I believe was an attempt on my life. At the end of it all, I do not believe I am autistic or in any way neurodivergent-- I'm just struggling to cope with a LOT of trauma. As you would. I've gotten along very well with combat veterans in the past. Only they seem to get it. I'm out now, and firmly no contact with the family. I'll never speak to them again if I can help it. But I still can't clearly see the path forward on many days. I've gone back to school (but am failing classes because of very poor stress management skills), and I'm trying to get moved back to the state where I was born. I dislike my country; I have no good memories here, only horrible ones; but moving to another doesn't appear to be an option at this point in time. I've made some progress, but I want my life to be good NOW. I want to lose the COVID weight and be thin and beautiful NOW. I want to lose my virginity NOW. Patience is the hardest thing in the world when you have been denied so much happiness. It's hard to be certain my problems are because of abuse. Maybe I'm just ugly after all. Videos about narcissists helped for a while (I'm positive my father had a chronic case of NPD, and my mother chose him instead of her children-- she was the one mostly responsible for getting me diagnosed and medicated), until I realised they were just keeping me stuck on blame and anger towards my abusers rather than looking at strategies for healing. Thus, I'm here. I recognise the need for professional help but I'm VERY cagey about interacting with the mental healthcare system, as this was what was used to control and silence me. "Nothing's wrong; she's just crazy, but we've got her on pills to control it." The movie Shutter Island was my childhood. I suspect I would fall into every one of these holes if I ever did manage to attract someone. There has been that little love in my life, and if given a taste of it, I WILL cling and frighten people away. When you know you're wounded, it can seem safer and simpler to just not try. I'm no longer happy being single and lonely-- I never was-- but right now, this feels like a puzzle I will never solve.

Thank you so much for this video!!!

Your magic is medicine is love m'lady 🙏

This is so helpful! I’m going through something similar and I needed to hear ALL of this. Thank you so much, CCF! 🙏🏼💚✨⚡️🙏🏼

I wish I had no idea what you are talking about and what was going on there. How many of us can say been there done that??? Chalk it up to a learning experience.

The first 40 seconds are painfully true.

The monster? Rather as Stephen Fry put it, 'the monstrosity of being alive'.

Another brilliant video. You really are a tallented communicator Anna. And because this is a subject you know inside and out, very near and dear to your heart, your audiance is given a rare gift. Thanks!

Oh my gosh iv done this and didn’t realise how my my cptsd was running the show 😢 thank God my man stuck it out I have a lot of changes to make I nearly sabotaged my relationship

Taking long breaks and no physical contacts makes things like this worse. It can cloud your judgment. I got caught up in a bad situation because of this.

hello!🤭

My therapist said that there is no help

Spot on!

seems like i just can't ...

Thank you your videos are so helpful 💘💖💘💖💘

This is why women are told to play hard to get and to take things slowly. You’re supposed to control your emotions and not just go after this one guy like he’s the only man on the planet. You should always assume that men are talking to plenty of other women, and you should act accordingly and date other men, too. You should only take men seriously who do the work to prove they’re seriously interested in you. You can’t just invite some guy you just met over after having a fight, get drunk, do some sexual things, tell him you hate him, and expect much good to come from it. Act logically in dating situations; it’s your only hope.

I feel attacked lol

it's like I'm two or three different people

Those videos are so helpfull It triggers so many things in me , leading to ask myself thé Good question : what kind of relation ships do i realy want ? And not Be swept away by an hurricane of émotions

Alcohol was not a good idea either....

Hi Anna, is it okay not to have sex in the first six months of a relationship..?