One of the Worst Things an Unfaithful Spouse Can Do in Recovery

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Samuel shares one of the biggest mistakes an unfaithful spouse can make in recovery.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

Опубликовано:

27 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 180

@theguynextdoor4978 3 года назад

One of the worst things the affair partner can do is saying that it's not such a big deal, move on, or minimizes our feelings.

@User-kc37 3 года назад

2 words: emotional maturity. It’s a choice before it gets learned.

@lisaterry9217 5 лет назад

Saying sorry makes me feel like coming unglued. Sorry doesn't help.

@anitaharrell3716 4 года назад

No but it's a start but what really will help is to stop with their cheating and work on getting our trust back and prove that the can be trusted again

@danielle491 6 лет назад

Yep, three different occasions this year I had to take huge steps back form him. There is more distance now than ever before. Broken promises, lack of and refusal to do recovery work, and his shock that I am still struggling "But it's been nearly 2 years!". He just doesn't get it because he refuses to watch these videos and read anything. Me explaining anything hasn't helped him to get it either. This confirms how I feel due to his behavior, yet he's the one that needs to hear this.

@milomazli 6 лет назад

I am so with you... I feel your pain.. My spouse is open to watching some videos, but I wonder what is going on in his head while he does that.. is he building up anger or resentment? I tried to carefully explain to him, the reason these videos are SO valuable is because they HELP make them understand that what 'you' do, is not something that is unique to YOUR character, but what OTHER PEOPLE who go through this, do too! So when YOU keep asking questions over and over again, its not something that you Danielle cannot let go, but what is NATURALLY a struggle for ANYONE who goes through this! And when you still feel pain although its been 2 years, thats, I am sorry, but not entirely your fault!! If YOU dont feel he has given enough input, than chances are, he probably hasnt! and THAT is why you are RIGHTFULLY still pain! (Though check-in with a therapist if you can afford it! just yesterday I got it in my face that I am 'too strickt' with my partner - and I think she was right. ...Its not easy to find a balance... And hell, I dont think that I should be the one who excercises greater effort in the beginning. After betrayal I would think it should be THEM who excercise patience and show incredible effort for US! But yeah.. if you can, these things are good to be discussed with a specialist to know if its you, or if its him who blocks progress) I am sending my sympathies for your situation...

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

i'm sorry it's so painful dani. i hope the videos help you empower yourself and draw boundaries for your own healing.

@notsure605 4 года назад

I am at the exact spot you were in when you wrote this. Can I hear an update?

@BJTGrass 4 года назад

It's been 7 weeks since d day, we are getting councilling, doing boot camp and reading help books. I feel that he is only going through the motions to believe everything is ok. At the councilling he was asked why did he want to work on the marriage, be said he didn't want to grow old alone.

@sgtelias2258 6 лет назад

thank you.... my wife has just wanted to move on, pretend like nothing ever happened and that I should never think about it again. I agree, it's not ok to pretend that its ok. An ounce of empathy would go a long way.

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

exactly right James. thank you for watching and commenting.

@amandakeith4347 4 года назад

Struggling myself... he still angers anytime I dont believe him or questions if he's lying. He says he wants to be together but isn't willing to do the work. I feel so weak. I am the only one who's been in pain for nearly 10years so many unresolved issues while he gets to be "normal" havent had a 24 hr tear free day in almost 3 years. So he took a job away from home..... everything is worse.....

@mamauly7990 4 года назад

@@amandakeith4347 its so true I've been in unfaithful marriage for 14 years I've been miserable and keep pushing my feelings to the point I haven't had my self anymore I dont even know how its feels to be normal, leaving in a lie relationships, watching your husband walking away or kissing you and telling you that he loves you but at the same time he is texting to someone else, or he is going to see "her"..... I dont know what is looks like to have healthy relationships....... its sad, we are lost.... its painful, its feels dead... dead inside....

@mamauly7990 4 года назад

Samuel..... thank you for talking from your mind and your heart. Thank you

@samshealingpodcast 4 года назад

@@mamauly7990 my pleasure. thank you for your kind words.

@abeegonn1 5 лет назад

I shared this video with my wife and I hope she sees what I'm feeling. It's been a month since I found out and it just seems like everyday keeps getting harder. The triggers keep popping up more and more. I just hope she watches the video and understands where I'm coming from everyday. Thanks again for the video.

@xDiananas 2 года назад

Got through this 2 years. He did everything an unfaithful partner could do wrong. Beause he thinks he does nothing wrong anymore there is nothing to blame him for... and because it has been so long, I should get past that betrayal without him doing anything... that is so hard and painful...

@Downlinx 6 лет назад

My wife is doing this right now. It makes it so hard to recover and heal.

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

you're right. sorry for the pain you're in.

@livibassy 6 лет назад

Kris Livengood I can relate to that man.

@BeatzByMK 3 года назад

It’s only been a week and he is like “when are you going to move forward”.... Idk if he’s ever been cheated on but it sure seems like he has no idea what pain he brought to me even though I’m a complete mess 😭

@c.j.9248 5 лет назад

My unfaithful wife doesn't even try to see what she had done to me. No empathy for my broken heart and now I am growing in my bitterness and resentment and anger 3-plus years past Discovery Day. Very little working through everything and so much pain still unresolved. Just the way it is and I must deal with this toxic relationship indefinitely.

@samshealingpodcast 5 лет назад

CJ, you've been wrestling with this for a while and comment quite often. i sense your emerging bitterness and completely get it....what are you doing to take care of you and move forward? it's clear she doesn't have much empathy or regret or concern to remedy things or help you heal. have you come to the point where you're ready to simply pull back, and work on you with intensity and dedication? you didn't cause it, but you can help yourself heal and move forward?

@c.j.9248 5 лет назад

@@samshealingpodcast thanks. It's ironic that I have always been the one in throughout our marriage who would get the marriage books and listen to "Family Life" and "Focus On The Family" by myself to be a better husband and father. And now that my wife has had her affair, I have yet again been the only one to read books and listen to/watch podcasts and videos on how to try and heal from the mess and pain she has caused. It's been a very one-sided relationship from the get go and, as much as I want to honor God and my marriage covenant, I get to the point where I truly need to analyze if nearly 25 years of surviving this relationship is truly worth the effort. There are so many women out there who have seen what my wife has had (I am the type who gladly does the dishes, laundry, cleans the house, maintains the cars and yard) made comments they wish they had husband like me. So I know I could find a new, more appreciative, supportive and loving woman out there. My wife obviously is having a tough time softening her heart and even trying to connect. I will keep working on me and keep walking this path alone. I pray that God will give me the strength, wisdom, peace and encouragement I need to keep moving forward. For as much as my wife has hurt me, there is still a part of me that finds her amazing. That is why I try to cling to some sort of hope for breakthrough and God can make beauty from our ashes.

@Bentley0807 5 лет назад

C.J. I am in the exact place as you. My husband’s 3 year affair with a 30 year old “girl” when he was 57 years old. We had been married for 37 years at the time. The affair was exposed to me by God. He didn’t confess on his own. He did confess to an affair with her but all of the questions I had were answered in lies. All things are brought out of darkness and into light eventually, which caused even more betrayal to me cuz he lied and deceived me with the answers he gave me. This was more than 3 1/2 years ago and I am stuck and progressing more and more each day the anxiety and depression deeper. This affair was actually his 3rd affair in the past 10 years at the time that his current affair happened. I too am trying anything and everything for our marriage to be restored to what God intended and wants in our marriage. He gives very little effort or attention to what needs to be done for me to heal. We are both born again Christians and I was lead by God to restore our marriage rather than divorce. He shows no gratitude for me obeying God’s direction to stay and work on our marriage. I think that is one of the most painful things I am dealing with. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your situation. A lot of people think it should be done and over it after 3 1/2 years. It would help tremendously if he would make more efforts to help me heal faster. What he don’t see is that his response of “you should be over this by now” only adds to all the pain.

@St.Irenaeus 4 года назад

Oh my god Samuel this has been me and my biggest problem in the fight to help heal my wife. Ive watched so many of your incredible videos and every single one has been such an amazing learning tool but wow this one hit the nail on the head. You described me exactly. I cant beleive how stupid i was to beleive that pretending everything was peachy. Thank you so much brother you are a god send my man. I appreciate what you do more then words can describe. God bless you and with your help and lessons and God and prayers i know i can fix my broken ways and hopefully fix my broken marriage. I will watch this many times to soak this in

@lightnindawn7710 Год назад

Good for you Andrew! I appreciate the way you are willing to man up. There are so many that want the easy way out but that just doesn't get it done. Nothing worth having comes free or easy. I'm proud of you & I hope your willingness to do whatever it takes is appreciated by your wife. As a betrayed, I am really proud of you!

@Lemuis 3 года назад

It’s been two months since I confessed to my wife about something that I did 2 years before we got married. She moved out and even though I’ve started counseling on my own and have suggested we get help together and that I’m willing to do whatever it takes, she’s still filing for divorce. I reach out to her often to reaffirm my commitment and validate her feelings, and like the video says, to share the weight of her emotional burden. But she still wants out. As most people will tell you, it’s the lying about it and gaslighting that hurts spouses the most. What else can I do?

@abigailrocksyou 2 года назад

update please. how are you and your wife?

@jamesritch5245 2 года назад

You can't do nothing at that point. While your honesty is great and you wanted to be honest it's a too little to late kinda thing. Your post is old so I'm sure you already moved on either way

@mrswilliams6217 5 лет назад

when i listened to you right after i found out pregnant and carried child #4, i didn't understand anything. it sounded wierd, kryptic and unreal. Now, that my baby is 7 month old, and I find time to listen to myself, to you, others... I'm afraid. I'm numb. but I don't feel as heartbroken yet. this is the worst possible position a women and mother (apparently loved) can be in. I lost myself and I can't cry. at least here I can say ...

@nephilimking4325 5 лет назад

My wife and I decided to continue on with the divorce. The trauma I caused is too great for her to overcome. We tried on four occasions to rebuild our marriage but she said that she can’t right now and that she wants to be single. Every time her and I split up she ran to this other man that she met during the time we first separated. And she’s with him now. So my question is. How do I move on?

@samshealingpodcast 5 лет назад

you have to take care of you. i would work on your own healing and seek professional help as well. our site has a ton of help for your own healing found here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses

@Helium333-pj2jt 9 месяцев назад

Within 24 hours of finding out about the 50th time he's cheated online.... I was told by him ' I don't want to fight I just want to be happy' and he sat watching movies all day not even prepared to talk to me about it. When I was clearly a mess. He made it even worse by just dismissing my pain about it. For a week I tried to talk to him, understand why he does it. He says 'he doesn't know'. And when I then wrote him a long email about why it hurt me, stayed up all night writing it, he just answered that 'maybe I should find someone opposite to him.' Like that's his answer. No apparent effort to do anything just wants to either gloss over it and carry on as normal, or I go find someone else. It's making my pain 500000000 times worse as I am completely alone with it and will never have answers. I feel totally optional to him. When I can't function.

@jackiehirsch1138 5 месяцев назад

Betrayer are Psychopath, Selfish only Love themselves, EVIL, LIAR, LOWLIFE

@adventurerbrodytenuta1170 3 месяца назад

I’m sorry you were going through that. I hope you have found some peace and relief from the heartache ❤

@carolyncooper3825 3 года назад

My husband hurt me so bad i feel like i never be able to for give him.even though i love him.

@karinsmith9582 5 лет назад

Another great podcast, Samuel, I have been listening to you for 5 months, probably over 100 podcasts, sometimes 10 in a day. I was desperate to understand and thanks for your honesty and openness. You give me hope and you have turned the light on in this ever so long tunnel.

@janetplanet8811 2 года назад

It choked me up to hear what the compassion would have sounded like had I gotten any. I only received blame and contempt and have struggled in my own understanding of what was mine and what was not. Your content has helped me to see that it was compassion that I was owed and the understanding has strengthened my resolve to move away and move on.

@Helium333-pj2jt 9 месяцев назад

Same. Always hear 'you didn't message me enough'. When I proved to him I was lovingly messaging him all the times he was also messaging her.

@moyaking8961 4 года назад

What if you are living apart and your spouse says they've decided to make the marriage work and tgat they say they've ended the affair. How on earth can this work? I know that I wouldn't be able to trust my husband!

@samshealingpodcast 4 года назад

i think finding a safe program to do work together will help, even if it's virtual. it's a process and not overnight that you'll welcome them back. we don't need trust to work towards healing, we need honesty and intimacy and that will create trust over time and over consistent work. here is an article on it: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust i would see about one of our online courses or our ems virtual intensive.

@cnhawk8371 4 года назад

And THIS... is what an actual remorseful spouse sounds like. Tip folks, *IF* your partner is not talking or behaving this way. They're faking it. It's too much effort on their part. If this video can't make them understand... then all likelihood, they never will.

@JohnnyJitsu11 3 года назад

If this happened, I would be so grateful. 😔

@Gortiebby 6 лет назад

Tears😭😭😭 he’s saying everything like he’s been an ant on my floor for years

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

i hope the tears encourage you and give you hope that it's not over and you're not alone and you're not crazy my friend. i know it's a tough call indeed, but it's not over for you.

@pamiewatkins7354 5 лет назад

See....he is there trying caring and not in tune too.. its soothing you do in helping...Samuel & Samantha

@tashinafletcher6615 3 года назад

Thats AMAZING! This advice could potentially save so much heart ache for so many, including the cheating spouse, may not even ever stray from the relationship ever again? The keys to a successful marriage, communication, and perseverance, not everyday is going to be easy. We can all benefit from this advice. Thank you!

@sapnurizalin7899 5 лет назад

This is very true. Instead my husband who had emotional affair listens to me, he would ask me if im not yet move on with a tone voice that will end up that he will get mad to me. It hurts me so bad..

@mojavekaye2108 4 года назад

How long is it supposed to take for someone to get over then pain of a cheater? Right, I know everyone is different, but it's been 5 months and my husband is walking around like things are just great, and I am still incredibly devastated. I might add that he does listen to your videos. But how dare he get mad when I don't believe the things he's telling me. They are so far-fetched not even a child would believe him. And why should I?

@samshealingpodcast 4 года назад

hi there. thank you for posting. what help are you using besides the videos? they are great, however it sounds like you need more than just the videos. will he take an online course or do the free bootcamp online? it sounds to me like he's not aware of the pain and hurt he's caused you and not in touch with what you're facing and experiencing.

@stephensmith3018 4 года назад

My d day with my wife of 40 years was last month. I am an absolute wreck. I am going through the whole array of emotions as I never thought she was capable of cheating. But she had one lasting 4 years and another for the last6 months. She minimizes her actions and was blame shifting and wants to ignore it happened and just move on as if nothing happened. I made her watch your video about blame shifting so at least she now owns the affairs. Your videos are a god send and are keeping me on the right track. We are still together but I have little trust. As although she admits the affairs were bad she hasn’t apologized for crushing me and probably never will I’ve got a lot of work in store. With your help I think we can get through it thanks

@motherbear327 5 лет назад

These are great! Wish I would have stumbled on something like this 10 years ago. Husband cheated after 25 years of marriage. Long story short, he left and married the 15 years younger woman. We never worked through any of this--didn't know how/where to start/what to say. I felt like 9/11 had hit my marriage and family. It was traumatic and I am still struggling. Tell me, where does a person in my type of situation go for help? I have all this pain and things I'd like to talk about, but have no space for that. My friends/family who have had a spouse die get to talk about their experiences and feelings loud and proud, but when you're divorced, you can't say anything. There's so much I want to work through but there are barriers. I bump into walls. My words have no where to go.

@samshealingpodcast 5 лет назад

i would take this course asap my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope then i would also consider a divorce care group for help and maybe a therapist who specializes in infidelity and moving on for your own healing. i can recommend a couple if you like that you could see over the phone or skype.

@lisaresmen7082 6 лет назад

This is ringing soooooo many alarm bells! Thank you for sharing

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

very welcome, glad you're here.

@cassiesherman9655 5 лет назад

His job sent him back to work with her. It's only been a month. 😥 I feel very lonely and scared. She calls even though she is blocked and acts like she doesn't understand or respect we are trying to save our marriage. He doesn't understand emotions at all. I'm at a total loss. Starting to lose faith

@samshealingpodcast 5 лет назад

are you getting any help or support? i would ask him to do the ems online course with you: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online or our ems weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend it's essential you don't try and do this on your own with your own help and support. you need expert third parties who can stand with you while you walk through this.

@Th3lite 5 лет назад

Shes a leech.

@TheJennyg76 6 лет назад

exactly ! gosh thats exactly how i feel ..geeze i needed this more than anything right now today

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

so glad you enjoyed it.

@milomazli 6 лет назад

SUCH A SUCH A SUCH a valuable message!!!! Thank you! Thats exactly how I feel, what my problem with my spouse is... He is open to watching videos, I am definitely going to show him this too! Thank you Samuel (and Samantha!) for making these videos! You have such an incredible skill of touching on the most valuable points that one experiences (or asks from themselves) while going through affair recovery! xoxo from Budapest, Hungary

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

so thankful you are watching. what a wonderful comment and so great to have you from hungary. that's awesome. take care.

@carriegaut8779 6 лет назад

This is great advice for relationships in general!! My ex cheated. The man I'm with now is just harsh with words, and not compassionate during disagreements AT ALL! He would rather ignore things like all is well than to have any confrontation, as peaceful as it may be, it's still a disagreement/debate that requires talking, and he'd rather avoid all of the above. He doesn't like to "rehash or dwell" on things, and he especially doesn't like to admit to any wrongs on his own behalf, so I'm left to think and heal on my own :-(

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

I"m sorry Carrie. will he get any help with you? have you taken some of the power back and demanded that he get help to make adjustments? here's a helpful article or two to empower you to take back some of the power and get healthy (including him) www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change

@lelamaciolek1166 3 года назад

I played along as much as I could and they they did not care. If I showed where I was really at, he asked if I would just fake it. It felt the Truman Show. I rarely had dignity or respect left but I thought that was the price of my vows.

@Sheikbaby 6 лет назад

Thanks. I really needed to hear this.

@kevinkennett7474 3 года назад

I so wish my wife would follow your advice.

@efthimios 5 лет назад

I’m trying to save our marriage and I’m not sure what else to do for my wife - I don’t know where to go from here Her ap is really brain washing her that the grass is Greener.. trying to make her see our marrsiage and fsmily is more Important

@bittehiereinfugen7723 Месяц назад

And then there are partners like my husband, who shows all the "good qualities" but you can tell that for him it's just like reciting a rehearsed line. A very, very short text. I think it's just a few phrases that he picked up while watching the AR videos. Even a year after the last bomb exploded here, he is emotionally dull and overwhelmed.

@cheneeclarke5888 6 лет назад

What does mean when the unfaithful one get tired of u bringing up the past and wishes u put the past behind. Does he still care or he wants to pretend all is well.

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

most of the time they don't want to talk about it as it makes them feel ashamed. this article series will share more about shame and the mind of the unfaithful. it's highly normal, yet very dysfunctional so if you're going to want to heal Chenee, we need to get you both some expert help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame

@mvd5659 4 года назад

In my own life, probably 3rd on the list of painful things my unfaothful spouse does/did was to shrug it off and trivialized the situation.

@priyadsilva4582 5 лет назад

I have asked these questions and tried to be there and be empathetic and discuss and be open. but I didn't get anywhere... Still struggling with him to recover while I wait impatiently. Reason for my infidelity is his own apathy towards me and my emotional needs. I find myself struggling in my mind back and forth between my lover and husband because of his still being hurt and the behaviour that follows which also affects financial situation. A lot of things are affected. I feel depressed despite being the unfaithful one. Please help.

@vickiwilliams3962 6 лет назад

Samuel, great job on these videos! I'm watching as many as I can each day. I love that you are tackling the feelings, wants, needs, etc. of BOTH the betrayed spouse and unfaithful spouse. I'm the betrayed spouse. Well, we're not actually married yet. Marriage was in our future plans of course, but this kind of put a wedge in things - at least for me. We've been together for 8 years and have a 5 year old son. Anyway, getting back to what I was talking about - you being able to share perspective from both sides I believe helps me tremendously in how to handle this situation in a manner that he feels safe opening up to me. I would really like to share your videos with him, but here's my thing - I have this need for him to put in the work on his own. You know, instead of me feeling like I'm making him, I want him to WANT to do the work. I believe he is genuinely sorry. He's willing to go to therapy. Is it best for individual therapy for both of us before couples therapy? And from your experience, do you think he would be more comfortable with a male therapist versus female? For me it doesn't matter, as long as they're experienced. But I want him to feel comfortable enough to open up completely in therapy. Sorry for the long winded comment lol. Thanks so much!

@vickiwilliams3962 6 лет назад

Am I asking for too much of him, for instance, to do what I'M doing now - research research research?? Although I believe he'll do anything I ask of him, obviously with him being the unfaithful spouse, his way of handling this is just hoping I forgive and can move on immediately. A little guidance from me on what I need from him, doesn't mean I'm making him do something he doesn't want to do, does it?? I don't think I'm asking the right question, but hopefully you catch what I'm trying to say lol. Thanks again

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

hi Vicki. thanks for the message and kind words. reality is, early on it's normal for the unfaithful to drag their feet, be slow to move at all, and seem like they are just not doing any work. often times they are just trying to not make you any angrier as a betrayed spouse. they don't know what to do. they've jeopardized all they love and value and are a mess, and are so full of shame they don't know what to do. it's completely normal for the betrayed to seem as though they are leading the charge early on. it's normal and not to be alarming. what's alarming is when they won't cooperate or do anything that you recommend or suggest. i would tell him you need THIS to feel safe. 1. expert help, and i would recommend our ems weekend at affair recovery.com 2. commitment to put into practice what the expert therapist suggests and advises if he will do those things, momentum can be attained and you guys can move forward. but it's highly normal to see what you're experiencing. now, if after something like our weekend intensive, if he won't lead and if he won't take the charge of recovery work, then that is concerning for sure.

@vickiwilliams3962 6 лет назад

Samuel, thanks so much for your quick response! I lucked out anyway. I sent him just one of your videos this morning while he was at work - asked if he could please take a few minutes to watch. The next thing I know, he's subscribed to your channel and has watched several of your videos so far. It's just comforting to know that he took it upon himself to do that. He's been patient, kind and caring with me all evening. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come. Thanks again!

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

Vicki Williams wow Vicki, that's awesome I'm so incredibly glad to hear it.

@gregc.4117 5 лет назад

Your videos help so much but I have a question about our identity: at what point does the “the unfaithful” and “the betrayed” get exchanged for who we are in Christ? I realize there is a process that takes time. And I believe wounds do heal and we see the grace of God in our lives that covers our sins as if they never happened. Again, I’m not talking about “sweeping things under the rug” or a “fast fix”.. But I don’t know if referring to ourselves as “the unfaithful” and “the betrayed” for years is healthy or Biblical. What does a healed marriage look like, in terms of our identities, specifically in a Christian context?

@motherbear327 5 лет назад

Taking responsibility will always be a hallmark of a healthy relationship. As i t pertains to the affair, if you are the unfaithful one, you will recognize that in every aspect as it pertains to boundaries, healthy conversation, fidelity to spouse, allowing time to heal/ have space, etc. Once the trust is broken it is never completely restored to what it once was. You will need to be transparent and any slight behavior that cause suspicion will bring up all those betrayal feelings again. It's a work in progress. But people who go through it have greater intimacy than ever before IF they truly work through it and work with their spouse. Taking responsibility is key. Christ would do that and he would have you to that as well. Healing through Christ means using the tools (humility, prayer, transparency, communication, etc) he has given and working it. :)

@aholm287 4 года назад

You are a rockstar

@chronicnuggz4711 2 года назад

You are 100% right, What do you do When you get to that road After Where you said that if you were the unfaithful spouse you probably shouldn't react to their emotions like this. Well it did happen like that so what do you do when you Come to the Road after it.?

@jilldavenport7410 3 года назад

❤️🙏 This.

@shawnbalmos2429 2 года назад

What if your spouse the unfaithful spouse doesn’t think that they did anything wrong in fact the roles are almost reversed in the situation like I’m trying to get her to identify with what’s going on and I’m the one that comes in excited and hugs her to see her try to let her know that you know it’s gonna be OK but I’m still being stonewalled and gaslighting everything else I mean this is happening what you’re saying but it’s actually reversed in relationship to the reactions she’s not interested in trying to move forward or anything she’s stuck

@AffairrecoveryLLC 2 года назад

is anyone helping you both? is she open to getting help from an expert?

@shawnbalmos5671 2 года назад

@@AffairrecoveryLLC No she is stonewalling and gaslighting and acting like nothing happened. It is a horrible story. She was sexually assaulted by her affair partner at age 14 he was 24 and the boyfriend of her older sister. My wife is 27 Now. She disappeared and lied about her whereabouts 2-3 times from what i know. Until I found out the truth. He is married 2 kids and lied to her, but he is the only one that validates her. It was a family secret until she let him back in and I found out who he was. I am still missing something, but it doesn't matter. I want him prosecuted for she was a minor he was 10+ years her age. We have 2 kids 18 months and 7 years. she kicked me out and now I am living in apt. paying for everything. I have tried to get her help. Tried to get her to watch these videos. Even downloaded the Mini Bootcamp. She is very angry and is not doing well. I am watching her implode. She would not stop so I eventually contacted the affair partners wife. After that she got blocked and the wife called over and over. My spouse is mad and keeps trying to reach out to him for closure, but it is not going to happen. Or it might. They are very sneaky. She told me to go heal and my own and that i created this monster and she owes me nothing. I am 54 BTW. Her mom introduced me to her....... The mom allowed the assualt to go on for 2 Years until she was 16 and her dad found out and she had to break it off. He bought her a jeep and proposed you her at 15 years old. I am beside myself We live in Central Texas. I am disperate for help

@shawnbalmos2429 2 года назад

@@AffairrecoveryLLC she is not open to anyone or anything but she will if it is presented by someone besides me

@shawnbalmos2429 2 года назад

@@AffairrecoveryLLC can you recommend we are in central texas San Antonio

@mariareiss719 2 года назад

Thank you

@sviel27ify 5 лет назад

it's been nearly 2 years. i want to give up. betrayed doesnt want to get professional help either. what now

@samshealingpodcast 5 лет назад

if the betrayed won't get help, that's tough for sure. are you getting help for you? what work have you been doing?

@wubbie2002 5 лет назад

I am looking for the video that explains the demand letter can someone guide me to the video

@BlakeBearden-lt3cf 19 дней назад

If you don’t wanna work it out then just admit it

@stevenmonico2084 3 года назад

My wife had an affair in 1979 she can home one night at 3:30 in the morning in the affair partners car for about an half hour in the car with him after she came in the house what’s going on she told me I wasn’t paying attention to her . The next day I come home from work she had here bags packed and left me I tried to stop her she said let me go she went to her sisters how’s. Why brother in law called me up the next Friday and asked if I wanted to go to the bar she was at with the affair partner I was so messed up I said know but I wish I did . It was a two week affair she told me she would talk about it later she just let go like nothing happened! I was just happy she came back. I’m trying to get details to this day 42years late she can’t remember then and gets mad at me. He tells me a wasn’t go to tell in the first place. I can’t get over it without the details !

@youknow1334 2 года назад

I’ve got a rude, entitled, everyday cruel-nasty-“life is so tough” attitude wearing husband who whips his tornado of trash through my home even with my severely intellectually disabled sibling (he will pray to God at dinner asking God for honesty) because my brother is constantly telling lies. I have to be a detective to find out about his health, sleep etc. it’s been a struggle for my family his entire life and my husband took him out and told told him to lie to me me. How confusing!?! He is in the HOPE program and “pretending” there. It’s ridiculous. But hey…I’m the villain for speaking- no speaking… I’m like, tell me about it buddy.

@はII 3 года назад

What if u still suspects him cheating me again with another women ??

@jonbatt32 5 лет назад

Who initiated the affair?

@55bobito 6 лет назад

My marriage is over, I'm just waitin for her to woman up and tell me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ C'est la vie

@youknow1334 2 года назад

He will hear this video, ask “what do you need?” Because it makes him feel good…I will answer. He will do the opposite.

@missjam06 4 года назад

😥

@1tressaht 2 года назад

Almost all the comments are the betrayed comments and it is accepted. this is supposed to be a safe space everyone. if you want to live in recovery together you need to accept that the unfaithful need to work in recovery to prevent future problems and get support to stay in recovery. I get you are hurt and traumatized. but the need for recovery is important for the unfaithful too.

@donnasimmons2241 8 месяцев назад

The unfaithful chose their destructive life and it ruined an innocent person. May God send them both comfort.

@epicjourneysbritainireland9474 5 лет назад

One of the Worst Things an Unfaithful Spouse Can Do in Recovery - Lie to your partner about going camping with a female friend from work and actually go camping with the guy u previously had an affair with.....which my GF did to me.

@lisalee2885 5 лет назад

Omg! I'm so sorry to hear that. Mine wants to still be Facebook buddies cuz she's a good person. Wants to chat n text her. He doesnt understand my point of view so i can only detach and do what I want and when. We are not committed and only starting over. He has not shown me enough consideration.

@robertandrews4781 5 лет назад

It would be absolutely amazing if my wife where to come to me and ask what she could do to help me recover from her affairs

@ronl.8733 3 года назад

Same here

@mrchevy73 3 года назад

Yup, i'am their with you, just once she would just sit talk, without saying I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE,YOU HAVE TO FORGET THE PAST, but she won't stop having affairs

@keithpasculli7465 Год назад

Man that is a terrible thing that you have been subjected to. Is there really hope that this can ever be a happy marriage or are you sticking it out because it’s scary to end it. It would seem that being a forgiving spouse would be appreciated by the offending spouse but , sorry to say, women lose respect for you if you go that route.

@joleencox5900 3 года назад

This is exactly what my unfaithful is doing to me. All he keeps saying is "we will never be ok and get past this if your just gonna keep bringing it up" or "stop focusing on the past and look to our future", and it hasn't even been a year!

@JohnnyJitsu11 3 года назад

I’m sorry to hear that, I’m in the same boat.

@jessicajaynenc1202 2 года назад

Girl ! SAME HERE! my husband had been flipping out on me for still being so upset, hurt and angry a mere month - 2 months later! It’s insane to me that he thinks Something that went on a year is gonna be moved past instantly.

@youknow1334 2 года назад

@@jessicajaynenc1202 so sorry Jessica. This is one of the hardest things imo to deal with. You are hurt by the action, then hurt over and over by their reaction to what it’s seems like is even just speaking to them. I’ve tried 100 different voice inflections, facial softening, timing etc. it’s infuriating to think how much I’ve twisted myself to speak. I’m at 7 years

@sebastiangarcia41910 2 года назад

My unfaithful wife would just ignore me sometimes…

@chronicnuggz4711 2 года назад

That's exactly the way mine in acting to. Wow just to know that really helps thanks joleen

@junesmom82 5 лет назад

This is totally how he acts! He acts like everything is great and that I should be just so happy that he stayed with me instead of choosing his afair. Talk about rubbing salt in my wounds! It's crushing! It causes me to self hate like crazy because I'm not happy and ok. I'm broken, and need fixed.

@samshealingpodcast 5 лет назад

this course is great for helping you heal and working on your own trauma care my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i'm so sorry for the pain you're in.

@rottie615 5 лет назад

Me too! I am broken!

@snowqtee 5 лет назад

I wanted hugs from my husband and wish he did it more after the affair!!

@anitaharrell3716 4 года назад

yesss Sophia girl get out of my head

@alanawagner1766 3 года назад

Thank you. This is exactly what I’m experiencing and my husband doesn’t seem to understand why pretending things are fine is not a solution. Pretending things are ok and ignoring the situation makes me feel like I should just get over it and it doesn’t work like that. This isn’t something for me alone to struggle with and work through. And acting like things are ok, like they were before the affair, before I became aware of the affair, says to me he thinks there’s nothing in his behavior that needs addressing. He doesn’t need to do any work on himself, it’s my burden to get over, and that’s not true. I can only do so much on my side and I refuse to go back to how things were because it’s setting myself up for another heartbreak. Just wish he would finally listen to me when I say these things and realize putting in work isn’t a promise we’ll be fine. But it’s not a waste of time.

@johnathanellis9010 4 года назад

This is spot on. My could open me up so much if she accepted responsibility and stopped blaming me for the thousand bad decisions she made to create the affair. I would love her and do whatever we needed to heal together

@amandamayberry5252 6 лет назад

I have been silenced for so long and I have so much anger and pain and devastation building inside. I wish he would see these videos

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

what are you doing to help you with all that amanda? it's understandable, and common, but dangerous to your own well being ya know?

@amandamayberry5252 6 лет назад

Overcoming Infidelity - we are in therapy and I finally was able to confront him and allow myself to feel the depths of the deception. Honestly, it was like having dday #3.... it just brought everything up. He's watched a couple of your videos now that I have sent him and has promised to watch more on his own

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

that's fantastic. i'm so glad he's willing to watch more and maybe take at least baby steps to come clean? anything i can do let me know amanda. i know it's hard and difficult and isolating. you can get through it, you really can.

@vickiblank 6 лет назад

Amanda Mayberry Get him to read the book.."Worthy of her trust"

@edeb341 5 лет назад

Amanda Mayberry @ Best of luck to you💕

@SabrinaWIsher75 4 года назад

This is exactly where my unfaithful husband and I are at.🥺 I don't know how to get out of this hell hole with him or without him.🙏

@allisonanderson7755 2 года назад

It was actually unfaithfuls immediate family and some friends who chose to pretend everything was fine. Even just days and weeks after everything came out. They did it every time ( multiple betrayals over 10yrs). They refused to allow me to talk about it, let alone break down. I chose to grey rock them all, as did husband once he committed to self change and proper recovery. I don't know what we would have done without your videos. No consistent therapist available during lock down here in New Zealand. One we had.. Admitted that she wasn't qualified to help us, and we joked that we may have a nationwide record of affairs and still have a marriage. We believe your videos are the reason we have a pretty good relationship trying to navigate healing and recovery.

@TheJennyg76 6 лет назад

gosh this is so where I'm at ...you said everything perfect ...dead on

@jasminedavis1638 5 лет назад

I needed to hear this. . .It's been 3 months since everything came to light. But only 2 weeks since I found these videos and the harboring hope website. Whenever my partner and I are having a bad day. . I (as the unfaithful partner) come hear and listen until I find what I'm doing wrong. I was being selfish. . Greeting him with happy energy and repeatedly talking about how I'm working on me and moving forward. Not taking into consideration the amount of pain he is on a daily basis. . .I am so grateful I found these. Always something to learn. Always something I can apply. Cheers to learning how to be a healthy safe space for your partners

@Kristi_Riskit 2 года назад

I'm kinda afraid to ask, when do you know it's time to move on cuz he'll never give you the respect you deserve or try to help you heal from the pain you've had your whole life that he extended with his betrayal?

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

i think when you get expert help and work through a process of your own healing that you can then make a decision based upon your own work and healing. until then, it can be muddy and confusing.

@sibelius4671 Год назад

This is my fear too. I am the unfaithful spouse. While it’s only recently come to the surface 2 weeks ago, neither of us are sure how long we can tolerate the pain and rebuilding. How soon can we see light at the end of the tunnel, or recognize that there’s no way out? It scares us both

@mufflermandale8179 3 года назад

I am in the first stages of discovered emotional infidelity, I’ve been listening to a lot of Samuel’s videos, they are incredibly eye awakening and I certainly can check in as guilty into many of the issues he brings up.☹️

@danielhenry4795 5 лет назад

Samuel I am going to admit I am the betryer spouse in this relationship, and with that out in the open, I feel like we have a unique situation and I will aslo admit I need some help with this one. All I want do whatever it takes to help her heal. Please contact me!

@1tressaht 2 года назад

I have watched every single video and do absolutely everything you have suggested and more. it's been 3 years and I still feel there's so much unresolved.

@wizbiabbott4647 2 года назад

Pretending everything is ok is toxic for another reason! Chances are the unfaithful was pretending everything was ok throughout the affair, so that you would not suspect the betrayal. It is a form of gaslighting. To continue to pretend everything is ok isn't just a lack of compassion, it is dishonest. It absolutely prevents the betrayed partner from being able to feel safe, trust her own instincts again or in anyway begin to heal. My partner gets frustrated and tells me "If you want to sit in your poopy pants and be sad that is on you" and "there is no reason to stay stuck in the mud." Well, your actions put us in the mud hole, so sorry you don't want to walk through our pain with me! Disingenuous attempts to be supportive are so destructive

@wizbiabbott4647 2 года назад

And does the unfaithful partner really expect the betrayed partner to praise them for how great of a partner they are? Really? You cheated, lied to and betrayed her. You treated her like she was less than nothing! That doesn't make you a great partner! You are barely tolerable to her at this time. You devalued the relationship, but you want your partner to value you? It will take time and consistent effort before you will be trusted again, much less viewed as an asset or a prize. But your ego is probably what got you where you are right now anyway, so of course you think you deserve to be worshipped by your wounded partner.

@canaweb 2 года назад

@@wizbiabbott4647 There are videos in this series that show how the betrayed partner can damage chances of reconciliation by constant shaming, belittling, or venting. No, the unfaithful doesn't expect praise or worship- they're already ashamed even if their ego won't let them show it, but I think that if the venting is constant, it just drives the couple apart. Just as in this video, there are a lot of things the unfaithful can do wrong as well. After living through this, I'm convinced that a couple would need the help of guys like Affair Recovery - professionals that specialize in this. Not just an ordinary marriage councilor.

@xDiananas 2 года назад

@@canaweb I did this. Shaming ,belittling and venting (but not so much for me, I held back so so so many things. I shut my mouth so many times because I could literally attack on anything if I was that immature, but I didn't). But I don't know how to express it without justiying it, but well I'll just say it as it is. I did all these things because when I first knew, there was one version (full of lies "just a kiss" "I dont see/contact her" "I don't have feelings for her, she means nothing" Then a week later, I found conversations and the first version was so so false. The second time I discovered, it was about sex. And when I faced him with that he swore it happened once and meant nothing and blablabla. But during 2 freaking years, I felt deep inside that there was more to this story. But he kept swearing that he did not have feelings for her and blabla. So when I asked him questions and bursted in tears and started saying to him that he should have never done that other things. (for me, not so mean.. but well). And finally I discovered all the truth (so far from his version) and of course I told him he is a liar but now plays the victim because I tortured him mentally... So yeah. When you keep lying 2 years, is it normal to feel like a victim because you feel tortured? I am ok with that it's not ideal. But when you do absolutely everything wrong, can you blame yourself and be a victim? So did I really damage the chances of reconciliation when all I wanted was the truth ? And everytime I asked him question, I gave him many chances to tell the truth. Hasn't he any responsibility in not reconciliating? Hasn't he all the responsibility when I kept asking him questions, when I kept giving him chances (I never quit him but he did 4 times) ? Even when I knew all the truth, he played the victim because now I was even more awful because now I realized how much he lied to me so I told him many times he was a liar. I really don't get it.

@angelakimes7278 5 лет назад

Samuel, thank you and Samantha for sharing your stories and helping others cope, learn, heal and hopefully recover. I do not want to go into details publically but i needed to say how very important is to the betrayed that the betrayer acknowledge and be accountable for their behavior and have some respect for their spouse during recovery. A small amount of empathy goes a long way. It also is a clear indication if they really are regretful and how sincere they are to save a marriage.

@christlnayo606 4 года назад

The wall saddens me.

@frankj2458 5 лет назад

My wife and I were engaged a time before. She had a very traumatic experience and wound up cheating on me a bunch while I was in Afghanistan. What was worse in a way than the cheating was the lying. She lied for such a long time, lied about everything, and denied and clung to even obvious lies until I felt like I was going insane. This went on for a long time, she was really good at hiding it, and the cheating coupled with the intense fighting and lack of sleep I was getting I think broke something inside me. Fast forward 7 years and I’ve gone on to become a Blackhawk pilot from being a paratrooper and infantryman, and I’m living in Colorado and have had a bunch of relationships but nothing too serious, and I haven’t talked to her the whole time. She gets in touch with me around November of 4 years ago and says she never stopped loving me, that she never loved anyone as intensely as me, and she wants to try and rebuild if I’m open to it. We get together again, and we have fights and issues but work through it, and like before we’re intensely passionate about and with each other. But, while this is going on and we’re now engaged after a few years, it comes out that she’s been lying again. She was hooking up with an ex shortly before she moved to Colorado to be with me, and although this isn’t technically cheating, she was lying about it. She lied a lot about all sorts of stuff, like trying to impress friends and family about her salary, or where she’s lived and the experiences she’s had. She says she doesn’t do that anymore, but I have a serious problem trusting her. How do I forgive her? I’m so angry still that I think I want her to suffer still. I have a very short fuse and yell at her a lot and make her miserable about what she did to me. I am still so angry, I still feel so broken.

@frankj2458 5 лет назад

Should I leave my wife? At this point, while we do still have good times, my anger and resentment have made it very difficult on both of us. When do you throw in the towel? How do you know when someone actually changes and when they’re just saying they changed? I feel like the fact that she came back and committed to starting the relationship on a new foot and then just continued to lie like before poisoned any chance we had at being happy.

@crystalwagner2775 5 лет назад

The Bible says how many times should I forgive my brother or sister it said 70x70. Real Love is unconditional in I Corinthians it says " Love is Patient and is kind it keeps no record of wrongs."When God forgives us HE put our sins when we repent to him in the sea of forgetfulness. Either you are going to Forgive her or Not if you are going to Forgive her Forgive. If she is lying she will answer to God for that. Give her and your Marriage to God the only person we can control is ourselves. The Word says cast ALL your cares on HIM because HE cares for us. Whatever is Not Faith is Sin. Hebrews 11:1 says Now Faith is. I want to stop and Pause right here. IS describes Present or Now; not later, or future, not was or the Past; NOW FAITH. FAITH is NOW. It goes on to say the substance of things Hoped For. You are hoping for healing and restoration in your Marriage treat her like it is Already Alright. Right Now. That's Faith. " " FAITH is the substance of things Hoped For and it IS the Evidence of things NOT SEEN." In other words "You have to see it Before you see it." Catch this, or you Won't see it. Trust God. A three bound cord is Not easily broken.

@AffairrecoveryLLC 5 лет назад

Hi Frank - here's an article we have on what forgiveness is and isn't: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/forgiving-infidelity-not Hopefully this helps you as you walk through how to forgive her.

@gracemanabat 5 лет назад

I do hope my husband know what you saying. Cause its more than a month when i discovered that he cheated for more than a year in our 7 year marriage while im pregnant with our 3rd son. Instead of him making it up to me. Im the one whose trying to reach out to him. And i totally feel that he dont respect me at all. Just he stays in the relationship because of our kids.

@jillyoung1282 5 лет назад

Helpful! Thank you.

@renajanssens2610 4 года назад

Safety is huge.

@tabemiriam9800 4 года назад

Thanks so much. I really feel like you were addressing my case.

@brianbobo1025 3 года назад

How about doing self care? Like exercising. Exercising helps me recharge my batteries.

@debbieg445 5 лет назад

I want to thank you for this video . Thank you so much . Thank you

@samshealingpodcast 5 лет назад

you're very welcome Ms G. thank you for your encouragement and for watching.

@annkeiper2082 5 лет назад

Comes down to minimizing the one who did it and maximizing the one who was affected. It needs to be addressed to heal

@gigil7907 6 лет назад

Are there written transcripts for these video blogs ?

@samshealingpodcast 6 лет назад

actually there is. mind blown. do this my friend: youtube has a transcript feature... below the video where the thumbsup/down share, etc. click the 3 dots on the right and click 'open transcript'

@gigil7907 6 лет назад

Overcoming Infidelity ahh thank you so much

@damiondice 5 лет назад

I hope she's not incapable of doing this. This would help a lot

@bradentoncane8830 2 года назад

How about after 2 and half years later almost 3? How long do they get a pass to bring things up?

@samshealingpodcast 2 года назад

they are going to bring it up until they get healed and until they get the help they need. what help have you utilized? what help has y our partner/spouse received?

@bittehiereinfugen7723 Месяц назад

How long do we bring this up? As long as we need it! Maybe, at greater intervals of course, until the end of our lives. If you can't stand that as the cheater, that's a problem that concerns YOU and that YOU have to deal with. Because we betrayed partners will live with what YOUR actions have done to US until the end of our days. In my opinion, anyone who can't cope with this as the cheating partner shows a lot of character weakness.