I've found that examples are incredibly helpful for understanding how we might be inadvertently turning away or against others in our conversations without realizing it: BID: This article is so interesting! RESPONSES: - Towards: Oh yeah? What's it about? - Away: Mhmmm, cool. - Against: It must be nice to have so much time to read. BID: You wouldn’t believe how difficult my day’s been. RESPONSES: - Towards: Oh no, what happened? - Away: You think you had a hard day? Well, I have a story for you! - Against: When do you not have a bad day? BID: That was such an intense rainfall last night! RESPONSES: - Towards: Yeah, that was super weird, right? - Away: I guess. - Against: You’re always so dramatic, it wasn’t that bad. BID: This isn’t working, could you come help me out for a second? RESPONSES: - Towards: Sure thing, I’m just in the middle of something right now, but I can come in 10 minutes. - Away: (ignores the request) - Against: Figure it out yourself! Lots of love to you, thanks for taking the time to watch and read! 🫶
I love the examples listed here. Thank you. I never really looked at it this way, and running toward, turning away, and turning against clearly delineated the reaction to the bid. I have been guilty of turning away and turning against, and watching your video is a wake-up call to do better.
A friend and I were discussing how people fall out of love a while back, and my friend said, "Love is a verb (action) and not a feeling, and feeling follows actions." The friend turned out to be my boyfriend eventually. :)
The best piece of advice I got from my mum, when I was a teenager was: consider that the way you see the world is your personal ''map of the world'' filled with your experiences, filters, education... And that the other person in front of you has its own personal map of the world... It has helped me soooo much understanding that we do not see things perfectly the same way. Simple but so so much impact on any of my relationship❤❤
Loved this video! My husband and I who have been together for over 30 years have a '10 talk' everyday. This is a simple conscious effort to talk to each other exclusively everyday about anything that's on our mind. We have a large, messy and loud family so it's often difficult to grab that moment so before our beautiful family were around we developed this daily habit. Sometimes it's just 5 minutes and a hug, others it can turn into 30 minutes of intense conversation but we make time because it makes us, us!
I guess the advice that I am still learning is to not assume what the other person thinks if you do not know, better ask. A lot of miscommunication, arguments and bad mood can be avoided that way.
When I am having a bad day with work or anything outside my relationship, I will sometimes walk by my husband and literally say, I need a hug... and I get one. It makes me feel supported, even though I know my husband can't fix things for me. It also help him feel supportive, without having to come up with solutions.
I ' m in a relationship for 13 years now and I can totally agree. Also, I would like to add: You don't always need to agree (sunset e.g.), but if you have a different opinion, it helps to just react with curiosity: "Ah you like this flower? What do you like about it?" or "You like the sound of the bird, what does it make you feel / think of?" You don't always need to agree or tell your opinion, but be interested in the other person.
You know that’s the thing , it’s hard to be always interested. In my case I am just talking about relationship with people in general. Some people talk about other people most of the time and it is so draining. On the contrary I will like anything and everything but not talks about other people or something that lacks depth.
@@gauraiyah Yeah I know, I feel the same. However, we could go deeper and ask people who talk about others all the time about their feelings and needs about it. My grandma for example, is so angry with politicians and talks about how bad people they are all the time. Everyone just tries to calm her down, but I once asked a simple question: "Grandma, I hear it's about justice for you, right? You just want a just politics." And she sayd "yes!" with so much relief that her body sunk down and after that she was quiet and smiled. Sometimes people just want to tell us something about themselves, something deeper, by gossiping or other superficial talk. We can try to ask them about it, make en ampathic guess and see if we can take the conversation to a deeper level. I say this to you, as well as to myself, because I sometimes forget. Thanks for reminding me through your comment
@@sukikayanderson6051 hey, loved your POV. Could you tell me one thing.. when I am very empathetic towards people, but mostly what I get in return is just bluntness naming it as being straight forward. what I mean is people lack mannerism to talk and then they just say that they are being straight forward. It just pisses me off. I have been observant, it is happening quite a lot of time. How do I deal with that?
Great video! Sadly, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The person I thought was the love of my life decided to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. No matter what I do, he’s always on my mind, and I miss him terribly.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
I think one of the relationships where this is really underrated is the parent-to-kid relationship. We get so busy with everything else that turning toward them is a fight in itself. But if we don't, we could face them locking us out of their lives during their teen years and strained relationships as adults.
This video’s tip is a great one! I’m married 30 years and the tip I would to share is that we all thrive with some appreciation. Anything your partner does for…any action , support, comfort is worth saying thank you …showing appreciation encourages your partner to repeat these kindnesses, feel seen, heard and appreciated. It’s almost magic! Love your channel! Ellen
My grandparents have been married for over 50 years. They had gotten married because she was pregnant with my mom. Now they have three kids, 9 grandkids, and 4 going on 7 greats. In the first 15 years of their marriage he was very unfaithful. He stopped that a long time ago but by then my grandma had quit working (from all she was going through) and became a housewife which he said he was fine with but she never learned how to drive either (she was 16 when they married and he was 20). Over the years it seems like he can be very self centered, negative, and dismissive to what she wants. It's to the point he doesn't do gestures during holidays or special occasions, he's sold everything and started over many times dragging her back and forth from NY to Puerto Rico over the last two decades (btw she's not hispanic and her family is in NY), complains about stuff but never wants to hear solutions, and if she tries to express her thoughts or feelings he argues with her and belittles her so she shuts down. Other than grocery shopping early in the morning or doc apps, he doesn't take her out. It's so heartbreaking. What should she do??! 😢🙏🙏🙏 I even suggested things he can do with her and she even got up the courage to ask him to take her to the beach to walk the pier and he got angry and lashed out at her about it. So she asked me to not make suggestions for him anymore. He even has her make food for his family/friends but when she asked for her sister to come over (which is rare) for dinner he argued about it. He's not even close with the grandkids either. She is but not a lot sadly either.
Thanks Sadia. I’m on vacation with my husband and we had a bad fight. I was in a sour mood and found this video while desperately searching for something to make me feel better. The video is VERY helpful AND the best part was Robin’s bloopers. I was NOT expecting them and was caught completely off guard and his lines made me laugh out loud and I remembered… beneath all the crazy, my husband is a good man who’s doing his best. So I’m ready to shower and get dressed up for a nice little evening date. Thanks so much!!
I once read something very important: if you need to tell your partner about something you don’t like that they did, don’t say: “you are inconsiderate/irresponsible/etc because this and that” but instead say “you not doing this/when you said this MADE ME FEEL x way”. The second way is better because you’re letting them know how you feel without criticizing them, since that makes them focus more on the fact that you only critize instead of the fact that they did something that hurt you
This is wonderful, simple, and very meaningful advice! My husband and I have been married for over 20 years and watching this makes me realize that we have both worked to get better at turning towards each other. The life of a relationship has many phases and sometimes you won't be able to do this for each other in a completely even, consistent way, but prioritizing this kind of connection over time keeps things strong. By turning toward, I am always learning new things from my husband and getting to know him better as we both evolve and grow. I love this kind of content from you, Sadia, thanks for bringing back teatime Tuesdays! And thanks to Robin for the roleplaying, so great!! xo
It sounds like such a beautiful relationship you two have! 🥰 I completely understand what you mean-since I've started asking more questions and actively 'turning towards,' I feel like I'm learning so much more about Robin too. It's helped strengthen our relationship so much in the short few months we've both been practicing it. And thank you for your kind words about his role-playing; haha I think he's such a natural! We had a lot of fun filming it! Thank you for being here and taking the time to watch, dear friend 🫶
Hello Sadia, I have been watching pic up limes videos since 2017. At that time I was a stressed law student. First I watched your video about minimalism. Since then I have become a regular viewer. When I was in university I was so stressed with my studies and for me, your videos were like therapy.🤍 I tried a couple of your recipes. Now my mom and I have become tofu fans🤭😊 I never knew we could eat this much vegan food until I found your channel. So thank you for doing what you are doing.💐 love from Sri Lanka 😘🇱🇰
Aw I'm so happy our videos and recipes brought you and your mom so much joy (tell her I say hi!). And tofu is pretty awesome, hey? Such a versatile little ingredient. Thanks for your lovely message and for being a part of our community. Sending love back to you in Sri Lanka! 💗
My biggest takeaway is that "bids for connection are everywhere". Just looking at this comment section it is clear that we are wired to engage, see one another, discuss, share, learn, teach, show up, laugh... Beautiful video, it made my week, thank you! :)
"The secret to strong, healthy relationships isn't in grand gestures, but in these small, often overlooked ways we can turn towards the people we most care about." "The strongest relationships are those where the effort is consistently made in those tiny moments."
I am rewatching this again, your words have been marinating in my head since I first saw this video 2 weeks ago - I have added this video to my Watch Later playlist. The message hits different when I force myself to sit still, listen with my eyes closed and I'm not distracted by the video (ADHD 😅). I have been very absent-minded in all my relationships lately due to work stress and dissatisfaction. You have inspired me to do better my loved ones, and to speak up more when I'm feeling delicate and need more connection from them - thank you for sharing this information with us.
I literally just had an argument with my fiancé about this two days ago and I was at a loss of words trying to explain to him with the proper diction! This couldn't have come at a better time, thank you so much for this invaluable insight!
Being 54 and almost 30 with my husband, I feel that knowing how to argue is also very important, knowing that it comes from a place of love makes it easy to fully accept it as their truth and take it into consideration, might be truth and a chance for me to grow and improve our lives. Trying to be right all the time makes you bitter and lonely, and stagnant. Hope it helps.
I enjoyed this video. My struggle is that some people seek validation continuously from others. Giving a positive response to their bid, instead of providing safety, comfort and contentment, produces a constant stream of more bids for attention (especially if they have burned other connections/friends) to the extent that it feels overwhelming… this becomes even more difficult when said person is a parent or sibling. But within the parameters of emotionally stable and healthy people I think this advice is spot on!
Long time married person here. In my experience, “I” statements are best received & responded to positively. (“I heard x, is that what you’re saying?“ or something similar. About sharing feelings (especially vulnerable ones), “When (action or statement), I felt x”. Long, loving, & strong relationships are based on honest, open, & mutually responsive communication. Wishing everyone love, loyalty, & friendship always.💞 Reilly☘️
Glad to see you back Sadia and I really really never missed any one of your videos you are my inspiration and I wish you have a blessed week ahead♥️♥️🥹🥹
For me the most valuable advice was that relationships are in cycles, every few years the agreement of what that relationship means needs to be renewed. Sometimes an old relationship needs to die to let a new one be born. Maybe with other people or with the same one. I heard my therapist saying she married many times... the same man.
Its very important in relationships to learn how to fight...these rules help us to thrive best in low moments...we must develop a very good emotional library when we are feeling very high...they will keep us away from bad response in low mood swings because our brain will pick words from assigned library only
Thank you for this informative video! I miss your Tea Time Tuesdays. ☕️ My partner and I have been together for 10+ years and 5 of those years we did long distance. What helps our relationship is keeping the laughter and fun. We also have hobbies that we do together that we both learn and grow together in. We learned each other's communication style throughout the years which took a lot of patience and willingness to communicate and be vulnerable with one another. I've learned to not take things personally and my partner learned how to better engage with me. And when one of us cannot be 100% emotionally available for the other, we lean onto our friends or support system, journaling, or exercise. That last one was especially important when we did long distance. Still going strong, healthy, and happy, and continually finding ways to have fun and laugh together. 💞
We had this family habit at home to kiss everyone goodbye, when leaving home or going to bed, to ask for a hug if needed and to talk about anything that made us feel bad with respect. My mum was a teacher and I have always feel so lucky, because she managed to inspire me such a caring, loving, respectful way of treat others ❤ my boyfriend did not grow up in such an environment, but we try to work the same habits, as well as communicating without jugdment (not easy but worrh it 😊)
When I learned about this study it gave me a new perspective on toxic relationships; when making those bids people can often stay because turning against was still better than turning away. That need for connection runs deep!
We have been very happily married for 36 years. We still say please, and thank each other routinely for contributing to the care of our family and house. We also ALWAYS greet each other when we come in from being away, and when we depart we always say goodbye. Sometimes we tell each other when we need time to wind down alone when we are tired and cranky. We both give and receive that gift freely, so it’s never a cause for conflict. Treat your lover like the most important person you have ever met… because they are!
I have two things that I worked on improving in my reationships: Don't go for the fix and it's not a competition. Oftentimes the other person doesn't need/want advice but just someone who listens and lets them vent so they feel heard and seen (=appreciated and taken seriously). They don't need my "Have you tried this?" or "If I were you I would ...". Unless they specifically ask for my advice, I just listen and support. Regarding the competition thing, I often immediately went like "Oh, you think YOU have it rough? Well, newsflash!" I internalised that pain is always real to everyone and that it always hurts, regardless of outside circumstances and that it doesn't matter if other people have it worse. This person in this instance is suffering and it might be their whole world right now. So if I want them to feel better, I have to acknowledge that.
Favourite subject! The old one about never letting the sun set in your disagreement. Always try to "sort out" the fight or whatever it is before the next day. Also working towards goals together. A baby or a new house or a pot of savings or a trip, just saying from time to time " we are making progress in the deposit" or "this is what we have to do next if we want X , y, Z ", it not only entangles you in each other's lives, it makes you so much stronger and supportive of each other. 20 years married, 25 together. In for the long run.
Sadia, this have been the most powerful video for me. I follow you since the beginning. A couple minutes before starting your video, i was in my head wondering why i was feeling bad (its been a couple of months since my BF and I separated). I was trying to connect with any unreseolved feelings. Your video made me cry during the entire time. It was a picture of the turning away and against in my past relationships. I allowed myself to be sad. That felt liberating. You just put simple explanation on my pain... 4 years of turning away... I will be able to identify bids for my next relationship. ❤
My constant struggle as a married woman is that i am the only one looking up advice like this. So even if my husband is turning away a lot, or against sometimes, unless he starts recognizing that these actions can hurt our relationship I can't get him onboard. Most of the times I just feel like men don't value/care relationship as much as women do.
Robin has a so sweet heart that even when he fakes indifference or anger he still radiates that sweetness in his eyes. ❤😅 He cannot fake or act like a bad person, his heart will still show up in his gaze!
As I just went through the breakup of my relationship of 23 years, I realize how relevant this has been. Both in the positive for a long time in the beginning and in the negative towards the end. I wish I had found this advice about two years ago. It may not have saved my marriage, but it may have prevented a lot of pain. Thank you so much for your content. ❤
This has been so helpful to introspect about how I respond in my relationship! Definitely going to rewatch it with my partner, thank you Sadia 🫶 your videos are such a warm hug always 🥰
A lot of times, in all aspects of connection, I try to show my love by listening, REALLY listening to someone, more than speaking. I also love to give meaningful gifts versus general gifts, to show 'hey, you told me once you liked xyz, so I got something that is the same or similar'. It's honestly the little things that count.
These videos are so you! I love these type of videos. It always makes me pause and slow down. It's so cozy, heart warming. Kindly make more these type of videos
I want to thank you for taking the time to talk about this topic. We are living in a world where everyone seems to be disconnected from others and trying to fill that with a lot of different things and the truth is that we all have the need for connection with other people. Thank you.
Sadia ..it is so fulfilling watching you and Robin together...you always come up with valuable content and thank you for that..I hope you have a great life ahead
I have not heard of this before Sadia. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It makes so much sense! My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years but always willing to learn. xx
This is helping me see just how much I turn away from others. I tend to let my anxiety and fears stop me from reaching out to others and connect with them in a way that could benefit both of us. I have been challenging myself to ask more questions and initiate physical contact where applicable. Now I better understand the importance of doing so. I have been unknowingly pushing people away with my indifference and fear of connection. I didn't realize how discouraging this was.
It's so true or comments to each other, because we rely on each other to get to be understanding to be loving kind and to love unconditionally.😊 My boyfriend of 10 years used to tell me that his love for me would go past any argument. Because in the end we were fighting on the same team
Thanks for this beautiful video :) I find this especially true for the relationship with children. They observe the world so intensely and offer bids all day long, because they depend on the connection even more than adults who are often more "self sufficient". By attentive turning towards, we build trust and true confidence in our kids.
You have a way with words, Sadia! You've put across such an important message with such ease to comprehend! I'm getting married in 2 months & I've only known my fiancé for 4.5 months. I think we're extremely strong with our communication but these tips are going to be really helpful at strengthening the communication further & for a lifetime. Thank you, lots of love from India!
I was wondering if it would be this! I read about this a while back, and it was really revelatory for me. You can't unsee the fundamental nature of relationships this is describing.
I love everything about this video! My husband and I took the Gotman’s relationship test and it has changed the way we understand each other. This advice is priceless and so needed in every relationship ♥️
Connections have been fading in my relationships. I’ve been trying to reflect and learn why. But this is spot on!!! It’s so timely for me. Thanks so much for sharing this in such a beautiful and clear way 🥹 wishing you stronger and more beautiful connections in life ❤
This is such a great share. I can already think of so many scenarios where the conversations left a bitter taste in my mouth when the person chose to "Turn Against" or "Turn Away".
Another big one is not only acknowledging the bids, but responding appropriately - sometimes it's best to actually ask what the other person needs: do they need empathy, a piece of advice, or simply acknowledgement? Nothing worse than getting advice when you just want to vent, or vice versa!
This is great. Thanks for sharing. One thing that helps us is when we have had a fight or a disagreement we have a few little tells that we do that don’t involve bringing up the fight or even having to admit someone “won” over the other. So we never actually apologise for fighting with each other but when one of us wants to clear the air or make peace we speak through a teddy bear or just send a stupid gif. Do something to make the other person smile. And sometimes it takes more effort to be in the receiving end of that. To allow my anger to dissipate and allow myself to smile and let go but we both make every effort to making the other person smile and also accepting these “bids” for peace.
That's exactly what I mean with "Communication". That and of course, talking things through. Because even though some people seem to can read your mind, they can't. They "just" payed close attention to you and they miss stuff.
Wow, this was so insightful! Now thinking of that, it can also be applied to friendships/connections with people. I wondered why I felt uncomfortable with some of my friends and this is exactly why😮 thanks so much for making this video, will try to incorporate it more into my life❤
For any relationship to flourish is to love yourself first and next automatically you can do fantastic things🎉........love is the glue to any relationship
Very beautiful recording. It immediately inspired me to think. One of the first thoughts is that we focus all our energy on creating the basis for survival (work, health...), that any relationship does not have our best strengths, but only the rest of our strengths. With this remaining strength, we try to create a nice relationship. It is sad.
i don't have a romantic partner but have a 2-year and a half old son and this is so applicable. With the advantage that small children actually voice their bids for connection all the time: "Mamma, i want a hug!", and the "3 turns" have such clear effects on the relationships we c-create with our children. Great video!
Attachment theory and healing personal trauma - so many resources exist for this but a nice intro, supportivw community, and step by step courses are given via personal development school - they are a god send where literally all else failed me over more than a decade. Like the way you've put gottmans bids into real life examples. It helps so much more than descriptions. Really love these teatime catch ups the most. Thank you for this one ❤
Watching this video I realised why the relationship with my mum is so so hard (she constantly turns away) and why the one with my husband is so great ❤ love this video, especially the simple tips at the end!! Tea Time Tuesday are always the best videos on the channel, for me :3
That was so helpful! I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than 5 years now and we are getting married in 4 weeks. He is a really caring person and I am often in my head which makes me turn away quite so times. I will take care of that now! Thank you :)
Communication, express your feelings no matter how hard it is but have an open communication even if what you say will hurt the other, try to express it the best way possible but express, if in the long run the salience will hurt both
I’ve been feeling a little unheard in my relationship lately and I didn’t know why. It’s great to finally understand! Thanks for uploading such an informative and well crafted video :) (as always)
Thank you for talking about this ❤ I first heard of it from Anna Akana's channel, she shares researchers's advice that are amazing, she did a video called "seven ways you're ruining a conversation" and it has really stuck with me, it's basically about how NOT to respond to a bid for connection, and it's amazing 🤔
THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING EVERYONE!! Thank you for sharing this information. IT's crazy how few people know about this. I discovered your channel 6 years ago for the vegan recipes and for those 6 years I've been cooking creamy coconut milk chana daal. I'm no longer vegan, but I still love that recipe. Occassionally I see your videos and I can tell you and your partner robin are really genuine and wholesome people. thanks for sharing wholesome and genuine things with the world :)
This was really meaningful! What also helped me is learning your own and the other's love languages. It teaches you how they feel loved, which might be so different than yours so in some ways you wouldn't do it if you didn't know it
Have you ever heard of anyone telling you that your way of speech is really great and makes listening much easier? I felt that too. My attention is fixed to whatever you say......its hard to get distracted when someone speaks this clearly right.
Robin looks so serious in the videos but his humour is awesome, loved the content btw..... Helps a lot in relationships to acknowledge, engage and appreciate....... The examples were so relevant too Goes long way😊.... Keep rocking Sadia
I love strengthening my meta-communication. I'll express my intention with what I want to say, then say the thing. I'm not perfect, but it helps me immensely.
Today I found your video after several years and it is so excited that your relationship is still happy like that. I think it thanks to “this simple habit” ^^. Hope you all the best.
I knew what bids of connection were but never knew about turning towards/away/against, how insightful! My ex loved to turn against... there's a reason he's my ex
Such great advice. I noticed that it's so much easier to change behaviour when you can label it. And internet and especially mobile devices make it so much easier to turn away from any connections in daily life.
