Online love & infidelity. We're in the game, what are the rules? | Michelle Drouin | TEDxNaperville 

It's been proven on a psychological level that the more options a person is presented with, the less satisfied he/she is with their final choice. Mic drop

I’m honestly traumatized about internet and social media. It takes your partner away from you and there’s nothing literally you can do to avoid this... people lie way too much. Wish I was living in 1800 than this madness of nonsense and fake personalities

the line has already been crossed if you had to hid it from your partner.

I tried online dating for a while. It is the same as real life dating: hopeless.

I miss the world without social media.

"I'm the product of two hippies. That's my most aggressive move." LMAO

My husband who had been my rock had an online affair. They both talked about their individual partners families etc. it’s smashed my world apart. It’s the most horrendous feeling seeing your life discussed. Lied about and what not. It’s a nightmare

Being cheated on (or betrayed) is such a horrible horrible experience. I will not marry again. And because it’s easy to fall in the trap of infidelity yourself-it’s better to cancel your social media accounts.

every 20 year-old should mandatorily watch this. I just broke up with my girlfriend and this was something that would have helped the relationship as a whole.

Social media makes the approach easier, but the follow through is so hard bc you dont get to experience the other person's response: facial expression, tone of voice, body language, etc. So many people now fall for someone that may not exist on the other side of an online chat bc we fill in those gaps with what we want to hear/see

In my situation, my wife is the one that seeks extra marriage relationships online. She’s had 5 social media emotional relationships in the last 5 years. Today, I found out what I already knew. She was actually in love with one of the men that she had a Facebook relationship with for almost 3 years. She says that she wants to work things out with me and I love her with all my heart but she refuses to do the things that I feel need to be done to rebuild trust. I’m about to just walk away.

My girlfriend and I don’t really use Instagram, Facebook etc. been together for 4 years now. Perhaps that has helped our relationship stay strong… interesting talk

I once chatted up a girl in a busy city centre coffee shop. All went well and we agreed to go on a date. At the end of the conversation she asked about adding me on facebook. I told her I didn't use it. I could see she found that so odd, she couldn't cope with it and changed her mind. That was about ten years ago and it was the first time I saw the real world collapse thanks to unreal internet world

"You have access to every single person you have ever been attracted to in your entire life". You don't really have 'access' to them, do you. That's the illusion.

this was one of the most objective, unbiased and genuine analytical talks I've watched here so far,remarkable job...

She is stating the obvious but this talk hits home with me. Women I have been brave enough to approach in real life (without the internet) are much more responsive.

ALSO. They do say that men *overreport* and women *underreport* partners..this has been proven time and time again

This video helped me understand why I feel so rejected when I'm cheated on with online dating. I'm older and figured the older men would be more honest. Not true! At this point I will probably give up on online dating. It really hurts when you think this is the one then the texts become less or you get that text sent to you in error. Then you know it's time to move on...over and over.

So true. Technology does not make cheat, but it makes it easier to make a connection for those inclined to stray.

Have never had a 'backburner relationship' in my life but have been met with the assumption that I do more than once. Probably because the people assuming had them going on themselves. One of my exes went out with a chick he had known for over 10 years right after he broke up with me (Spoiler: It didn't work out... and despite me being very clear that I'm over him he still messages me occasionally to tell me he still loves me and hasn't been able to find anyone like me since...5 years later. Well dude, not my issue). Is that like the 'thing' people do now? There is literally nobody I'm friends with that I would ever date. My social circle is small and the friends I have I've known for more than long enough to figure out if I like them that way. Once I decide I want to be with someone I don't think about other 'options'. I try to make it work with them and if it doesn't then it could be because of a number of reasons, but me being preoccupied with 'backburner relationships' isn't one of them. I just don't understand people who do this. Yeah your current relationship may not work out and then you need to go through the process of getting over it and then looking again (if you choose to do so) but like...That's life. Grow up. One of these days constantly wanting to explore and keep your options open is going to backfire. When you have something great right in front of you but you ruin things because you are never satisfied.

good talk! don't have fb,I have done 14mths off fb and it's been liberating!

It's the learning that they've been sleeping around that gets to you Trying to form a mere friendship becomes almost impossible, forget dating!

Great talk. I agree so much with the things she said. online dating has been such a good thing and a bad thing. Easier to get dates but much easier to not commit to anything also.

I don't like this idea of love being a game. That makes everyone a player.

My wife had two affairs from online connections. Even though they were 100s of miles away, they were still able to meet up. The things she said in texts and emails wasn’t even close to who she was with me. I wish she talked to me like that or that she would share her fantasies with me in the easy that she could with them.

I'm faithful and I respect that many people aren't faithful or emotionally invested in dating relationships.

And this is exactly why after all real human contact in person will be always superior compared to any social media one - superficial, 'coloured', 'perfect '(when in reality is far from it) contact. Unfortunately, there is far more harm and evil coming from it sometimes that is worth any significant time investment in it. Just my humble opinion. And that is why I am not a real social media user. I don't think I am missing out on something meaningful.

Notice she did not mention two of the important reasons to not play around or go off with someone else: loyalty and integrity.

This is a great talk. You shine light on deception, which is the root of infidelity.

Here in Colombia back burners are "arrocitos en bajo" (when you're cooking rice, you put it in low fire to keep it warm, so it means "rice on low fire"). And the slang and the practice exist before social media

A very interesting and needed topic, I hope this will be discussed more often also on other media platforms and even in education. Thanks you did great!

"I showedeth thou mine own member, now respondeth with haste!" - William shakespeare

Thank you, Michelle, for a really excellent and thought-provoking talk.

I’m so glad I met my lady before the internet really took off. And we were of the internet age. Albeit, the early internet age. Of all our friends we’ve been together the longest. I think this is due to the fact that neither of us really love to share our lives with random folks on the internet. But she and I talk all the time. We connect all the time. We do things together. We have dreams together. And we’re two peas in a pod at the end of the day. When I changed my mindset that social Media was an online journal to an amazing free platform to start a biz it was amazing to see how my life changed. I just Facebook and Instagram for my bands and business.

As a relationship counsellor I am torn between thinking that each couple has to make their own rules. But perhaps someone needs to create a list of things to discuss.

I had Dr. Drouin as my professor for Psychology and I love her!

I applaud her for sure, shes pretty, smart, and confident. Especially in a world and at a time where it is more excepted that the guy is suppose to ask the girl out and not the other way around. That does take courage, good for you going after what you want!

There is something wrong with you character if opportunity controls your loyalty.. Unfortunately social media has made it very easy to cheat, you don't even have to leave the house to meet someone.I guess it's hard for a lot of people to resist .I'm glad i am not on any social media except YT.

It's all about honor and dignity. Without those qualities, you're just a dog in heat. I'm on social media. I have no "back burners". I have people in my life who are looking at me for guidance. How am I going to expect good from my grand sons if I'm a dog?

Great talk, even better outfit. Well done.

A great talk... and things are changing rapidly to a more openness and transparency in people... (if people are honest) in my opinion. Although I think you are right in saying that it also can be a very shallow at the same time... which is the balance of course... propensity for good as well as bad...

I'm glad this lady and I are on the same page!

geez! now i am neurotic about back burners. she gave an amazing talk. 👏👏👏👏👏👏

Yup 2008 my (now ex-) husband gets on Facebook friends with people he graduated with for his 20th high school class reunion and has his first affair. Then multiple Sexting affairs, real affairs and ultimately I find out about the Sexting A few years later we're divorced then a spiteful ex-girlfriend decides to tell me about all of his affairs. I'm so lonely I could die but I'll never subject myself to this system of relationships again.

That's why, when it comes to social media and relationships, I stick to friendships within group chats. This way I'm able to keep romantic relationships exclusive to my normal life, instead of worrying about catfishing or long distance stuff

Could not have said it better myself. Perfect thank you for your time

Michelle looks like she’s still only 20 years old.

What a gem Extremely insightful thank you

People fail to realise that even though social media is a virtual world, there are actual people with actual feelings behind those screens. Eventually we will all forget how to be human.

Amazing talk doctor, thank you.

We need to define the words, love and lust. Most people attract to each other because of having like kind energy, chemistry, and it is fun to be with them. And if true love exists, then we wish loyalty would be there, the ability to stay through All struggles and challenges of life. What is love? Love is giving or loving without expecting anything in return, an unconditional love to speak off. In short, it is harder to find true love. Perhaps, we need a Divine intervention, or the so-called Destiny. By the way, not all of us are destined to be parents. Therefore, it is fun to date, to socialize to see what life has for us in the journey.

Now that talk was an eye opener. Thanks a lot!

I very much enjoyed your TED talk Michelle, thank you : )

The matter isn't that people catfish or lie online. If you meet someone and invest the time (something like 60 hours to be someone's "friend" IRL) I don't see why a relationship won't aucceed. However, Grindr and Tinder aren't known as relationship sites. If you spend enough time with someone you meet online, you should be able to know them well enough. If those backburner people are only known online, they aren't real relationships. But that is true of anyone you have not invested time getting to know. Real relationsihps require being with someone regularly and in person. This is the issue of the online era. People think non RL relationships are equivalent to RL relationships. It's not true. And online relationships can drag on because they're fantasies fueled by hope, not reality.

This exact thing occurred to me before but didn't think it was a big deal until faced with having to feel it first hand and I just cant get over it, it has just ruined what was a beautiful relationship of 8 years... and now it feels like 'what relationship' 😢 anyways, ive forgiven and understand the causes but unfortunately cant seem to be attracted to my significant other anymore with the other world and time tgat was invested. Im sorry for those of you dealing with this and wish you the best relationships with awareness and boundaries going forward.

I avoid all that SH&T as it is all a form of the devolution of marriages, relationships, “soul connections”. If we can simply “swipe right” what does that do to our “commitments”. Say NO THANK YOU to the breakdown of marriages, families, soul connections and truly fulfilling relationships.

Thank you for the perspective.

This talk is excellent. Michelle Drouin, you are my new hero.

Everyone have just refused to admit that it's just natural for human beings to be attracted to others. We can set up as many rules as possible, blame the internet all we want, it's still true. If people get the chance, they will desire and be desired by others.

Best ted talk in a longgggg time

One of the most important videos on RU-vid, listen, be afraid and learn. Get off social media people!

Honestly, it's just sad honestly. But when it comes to dating, I had no other choice but to look online. But not in typical stuff. I went to amino not seeking dating relationships. But love naturally sprung in a conversation. The beautiful thing? No bias or anything. And my autism mannerisms didn't get in the way. Been with my wonderful GF for a year now. Love these Ted talks

A very true and good Ted Talk. Thank you

Awesome video and SO true!!

This is so true. back between 1996 (post separation) and 2000, I was on America Online. Over time phone numbers were shared, then there were 30 that I was intimate with. I had a number of back burners who I held in the hope a relationship would form in years to come. Only one of the women I met in person had not shared her actual photo and information. The interesting point 20 years later is that I am in contact with very few of those intimate contacts, while those on the back burner became some of the most treasured friends of my life.

She left us hanging with her rules in her relationship...

For my generation, social media is the best way to find someone you like, not just a classmate that you happen to know a little about, and with today’s judgment and high standards, it’s safer to stay behind a screen where we can speak our minds and express ourselves, reaching millions of others. We can get to know our world, not just our town or community, find new and interesting things we wouldn’t find sitting around, only being able to talk to those around us, who have the same view because of our limited vision. Social media is a curse and a blessing, and soon, online relationships will be normal and expected, and human interaction can definitely change, for better or for worse. What used to be normal, like meeting people in person, isn’t always the best way to go, especially in our ever-changing world.

Good talk and insights

Just deleted access to all of my social media apps, slightly worried that I won’t find someone who is on the same path because most are online

Even before dating apps, at school the courting etiquette is that you talk online. You talk online with the person you are courting, this makes it confidential, nobody other than you two knows about the fact that you are 'talking' even if you do officially get together there is hardly ever evidence of it anywhere, it's all a big secret. There are no risks and if you don't progress to being in a relationship, all it was was 'talking online'

She was awesome

there's a difference between lying and not answering a question that hasn't been asked

I know I’m watching this years after the fact, but even considering how much worse this has gotten over 5 YEARS is shocking. When my husband and I first became bf/gf we agreed to delete our social media. All except for his Facebook.. ( bc I didn’t use it in the first place) Ee share his Facebook. ( I added some people I know) we share our google account, RU-vid) & we are happy like that. Believe it if not, even after all that. I still have the problem with him over using Facebook. It’s crazy

this is how my 18 year relationship ended. my ex was cheating on me with a woman online.

13:25 beware girls, guys are lying about their income online, the most important info in this video 17:37 you wasted your time 17:54 what she is trying to say all those 18 minutes (you are welcome)

Great talk

Well, the internet has magnified the issue, but it's hardly new. For over 200 years one could have an "affair" via written correspondence. All you needed was ability to read, write, paper, something to write with, and a post system. There are examples of "affairs" via letters from 50 years ago to 150 years ago where the two "lovers" never even met in person.

Great speech👏👏

Emotional cheating is the worst imo....all it means is best case scenario you caught it early

Very, very interesting and very, very relative.

Interesting, well presented talk. Strange last line.

I've been watching relationship advice videos in an effort to gain clarity and insight into whether I should continue this relationship or let go. I'm actively seeking guidance and perspectives to help me make an informed decision about our future.

Stats show you find out 7% about a person with text only. Ninety three percent is gleaned by longtime, personal contact. It takes hours of investment ( about 60) to create a solid "friendship". Friendship and dating relationships are based on spontaneity, humor, shared interests. NONE of that matters in an online relationship. The relationship is never tested in real life. These kinds of relationships can last for months and years BECAUSE they are never tested. Look for real life friends close to home who can pick you up if your car breaks down, give you a shoulder to cry on when your pet dies, see a film with you, have a walk and a talk, go bike riding or shopping together. Invest time with a person who can give you a satisfying, supportive, vibrant relationship, instead of words in a vacuum. It will work out better and the chance of being catfished is minimized. You only have to watch "catfish" to find out how many people fake profiles and lie about their lives to keep a word-support relationship going because of whatever unhappy issues plague them. It's not good to be used.

I feel and think when you meet/know organicly meaning casually at the mall, store, restaurant and face to face ask for their names more emotions/investment its done probably more valued than someone met online cus u see what you see the person how it really is not the persona/image in a profile... i met this guy whos friends in fb are pretty much that a list of options or possibilities available for him... how do we want to be viewed, i dont think virtual intimacy its genuine nit all people are honest

Interesting. Thank you

She was so brave she went for the alpha !

No, not all of us, are in the game. There are many people, me included, who are not married, in a relationship, seeing someone, dating, online, or otherwise or going out on dates. With the way society is turning out, the game isn't even worth playing.

Well delivered talk, some interesting research but no great insights. This sounded as an encouragement to paranoid people to become obsessed about how their partners use social media. We should not be spreading messages like this. There are vulnerable people out there. It's a different game but the rules to love and affection do not change. If you are in a monogamous relationship then providing comfort and intimacy to your partner coupled with self care would likely keep the competition away. Simple as that!

Interesting talk.

Brilliant thank you

Excellent!

My ex gf of three years re-connected with her ex bf from her past while she was still in a relationship with me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that they are just friends, until she blamed me for not marrying her and moved on with this old pal of hers

Her hair is absolutely gorgeous

Wow...Excellent content.

This doesn’t really address one of the most important aspects in a relationship or in the “problems” relationships have always have, which is that humans are not monogamous, but specially from the romantic point of view of a woman everything is about being faithful or cheating 👐

It’s got to the point of a guy tells me he don’t have any social media, I atomically assume he’s married 😮

Yes, the internet ended my 12 year relationship. I lived with him and discovered how extensively he was on line cheating really was. We still talk as friends, as I left him a year ago. I would never go back. He is a cheater.

I don't think the solution is some kind or elaborate rules or locking down on your partner's social media. I think that we all have the desire to share and connect. I think you have to let people share and connect and grow or you are going to become the police or the parent in your relationship and they will start resenting you. If you're not connecting with your spouse emotionally maybe they need to talk to someone else. it could even help you grow to where you can accept more flaws and short comings in your spouse, instead of expecting them to have everything you need.

Faithful speach

More technical mumbo-jumbo to avoid describing the consequences of emotional and physical intimacy out side of *marriage*. It easily develops the worst of traits: dishonor, disloyalty, disloyalty, ungrateful, treachery.