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When fantasy meets reality: Sexual communication in relationships | Mike Anderson | TEDxUMKC 

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The disclosure of sexual fantasies can play a vital role in both the sexual satisfaction, and relational satisfaction of one’s romantic relationship. This talk explores what sexual fantasies look like, and the possible benefits involved with acting out and communicating one’s favorite or most recurring sexual fantasy.
Mike Anderson received his master’s degree and doctorate in communication studies at the University of Kansas. Mike’s thesis and dissertation both examined the taboo topic of sex in romantic relationships. He has been published in magazines, newspapers, academic books, and academic journals including the Journal of Sex Research. In graduate school he hosted a radio show on KJHK that featured sex and relationship advice. The show was called “Kansas in Heat.” Currently Mike is the host and principle writer of a late night television talk show in Kansas called the Not So Late Show. Since it began in 2011 the show has won several awards. In 2012 Mike was named by Reader’s Digest as the “Most Interesting Character in Small Town America.”
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

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2 июн 2015

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Комментарии : 231   
@udonfrenzy
@udonfrenzy 4 года назад
As someone who is the BDSM community, none of this is new information. We've known this anecdotally for a long time. Disclosing the darkest parts of you and allowing yourself to be truly vulnerable in such a way is a profound experience, especially when a partner not only accepts your fantasies, but then chooses to engage in them with you. It's nice to see actual studies being done to support what we've known to be true. I hope there are even more studies going forward!
@brightbulb9778
@brightbulb9778 4 года назад
"Goddess" concurs.
@gaborkorthy8355
@gaborkorthy8355 3 года назад
I was blessed to find my life partner late in my life (60 y/o) who to my delight is into BD/SM. Prior to this all my partners were vanilla who at best would humor me with lackluster participation. At worst openly ridiculed me. Unless you are in the scene it is hard to understand that incredible feeling of closeness and intimacy one feels after a particularly intense session.
@one4320
@one4320 3 года назад
@@adrianlayne4026 nobody cares
@ctoconnor1732
@ctoconnor1732 4 года назад
this man is my public speaking professor and i should not have watched this while still enrolled in his course
@atable2505
@atable2505 4 года назад
I just looked this video up because my roommate is in his course
@LottieLucid
@LottieLucid 4 года назад
Why not? I think it was a great talk. Nowt wrong with the subject matter.
@ctoconnor1732
@ctoconnor1732 4 года назад
@@LottieLucid man it's weird seeing your professor talk about wanting to bone Icelandic women
@LottieLucid
@LottieLucid 4 года назад
@@ctoconnor1732 haha oh well, i guess you'll get over it
@vipsylar6370
@vipsylar6370 4 года назад
@Jackson Scully We all do. That's for sure.
@Vickyy217
@Vickyy217 7 лет назад
As a Psychology major who finds human sexuality fascinating, I absolutely loved this talk. I've watched many talks and ready many books on sexuality but found this to be very unique in nature and extremely interesting. Mr Anderson is also fantastic at giving talks; I didn't find myself getting bored at any point and I loved his humour. Great job!
@vishaltalreja3560
@vishaltalreja3560 5 лет назад
vickykbeauty hi; would you be open to a discussion involving my questions and situation?
@nasardocs3183
@nasardocs3183 5 лет назад
Share the name of books please. I have read fifty shades trilogy.
@diaperdude6163
@diaperdude6163 4 года назад
lots of words. no meanings.
@william4661
@william4661 4 года назад
@Elay v He's got a "Situation" in his pants. rofl
@drhoarderdyingalone3130
@drhoarderdyingalone3130 4 года назад
Vicky Koukoutsika- you're absolutely right! I second each and every word of yours. Thank you for the intelligent comment.
@fostxswire1600
@fostxswire1600 4 года назад
Woah, what a great talk. I was worried this might be cringy, but it was intriguing.
@ocrapitssij
@ocrapitssij 6 лет назад
This guy is ridiculous but he’s hilarious and a great speaker lol. I loved this talk! Very informative.
@denisemc607
@denisemc607 4 года назад
Thank you for sharing your research in such an adroit and entertaining style! How lucky we are to have access to so much real information!
@kairawyssrobinson7074
@kairawyssrobinson7074 7 лет назад
Great and fun talk! Very true in my own experience. Wait until you get to the REALLY kinky fantasies! They will change your sex life around, if you have the courage to own and share them. It builds a lot of intimacy.
@fooddrugadministrator4079
@fooddrugadministrator4079 7 лет назад
I can fantasize about my husband on Ritalin
@recyclespinning9839
@recyclespinning9839 4 года назад
Tell me your fantasies
@natashasoulchild9232
@natashasoulchild9232 4 года назад
I agree, depends on yourself and the partner you pick sometimes x
@fmtvarse
@fmtvarse 4 года назад
maybe you should go on and tell us about your kinky fantasies .... id certainly be watching
@fmtvarse
@fmtvarse 4 года назад
sorry listening
@lcluff3649
@lcluff3649 5 лет назад
Thank you for sharing your insight. This is a rare gem in the mainstream.... much needed
@nicoco4974
@nicoco4974 4 года назад
This was interesting and entertaining. Laughed the whole time. Good job 👍🏽
@markfosdick190
@markfosdick190 7 лет назад
This was a very good presentation.
@lawrence18uk
@lawrence18uk 5 лет назад
Nancy Friday researched extensively on male and female fantasies back in the 1970s in her many books, including "My Secret Garden" and "Men in Love"
@Broxine
@Broxine 5 лет назад
True, great books
@nadanaim307
@nadanaim307 4 года назад
I agree, awesome books
@sne631
@sne631 4 года назад
Respect for this man.
@ADDIDASSSSSSSSSSSSSS
@ADDIDASSSSSSSSSSSSSS 4 года назад
Mike, great lecture. I agree that it is especially important to tell a woman right away that your Mom says that you are a catch. This will show her right away that you are a high value male and that your Mom even validates this fact. Thanks for the advice.
@Smackedup100
@Smackedup100 4 года назад
Outstanding presentation
@purplelillyx9895
@purplelillyx9895 4 года назад
Brilliant. Good talk
@ideasparaestarmejor
@ideasparaestarmejor 3 года назад
Great Job Mike! Great talk.
@jennifermenth-pavel1260
@jennifermenth-pavel1260 4 года назад
Fantastic video and a great topic.
@SouthEastSJ
@SouthEastSJ 4 года назад
When fantasy meets reality you are in heaven. 😉
@walkietalkie3229
@walkietalkie3229 4 года назад
Thank you for the enlighting sharing
@michaelcarolan3117
@michaelcarolan3117 6 лет назад
Good talk
@perfumaphilia3246
@perfumaphilia3246 7 лет назад
Such an important topic and interesting presentation. No spoilers for the people watching, but the "most common person" was actually the main character of one of the few pieces of literotica that I've read. Pretty funny.
@KRV1351
@KRV1351 5 лет назад
One year later....... Well I honestly thought he was joking when he said it was Flo.........
@bedroomkandibymsj2846
@bedroomkandibymsj2846 2 года назад
Amazing presentation!!!
@yvesgomes
@yvesgomes 5 лет назад
Great stuff! The key was in the quantification of the data, even though its raw form was rather qualitative.
@one4320
@one4320 3 года назад
👀
@ezra7253
@ezra7253 4 года назад
tough crowd this was amazing
@jennodine
@jennodine 5 лет назад
Go Flo!
@aldousamin3240
@aldousamin3240 7 лет назад
Terrific
@Earthplantsandsunshine
@Earthplantsandsunshine 7 лет назад
good talk! interesting and very informative, it's also good to see how different fantasies change as of specifics. Great idea for a relationship that is lagging or older. I was married for 20 years & we didn't incorporate this into our bedroom, thank you for the funny stories!
@TheArtemis07
@TheArtemis07 4 года назад
I would love to see Flo‘s reaction to this news!
@anon6056
@anon6056 Год назад
This guy's fun😄 i love the confidence
@joycesunday3054
@joycesunday3054 3 года назад
This makes lots of sense
@carlyschweighardt2657
@carlyschweighardt2657 4 месяца назад
this is in fact, my communications professor.
@Florkl
@Florkl 4 года назад
I'm curious about how this would apply to ethnicities. Anyone can dress as a firefighter, but it's much harder to make an Asian look Icelandic.
@khadyuthazarika5975
@khadyuthazarika5975 3 года назад
i opened 7 accounts just to like this comment
@cherryliang5117
@cherryliang5117 4 года назад
Structure-wise this is an amazing talk
@rizzamaeong
@rizzamaeong 6 лет назад
he has a cool job.
@ASKaaron32
@ASKaaron32 4 года назад
not very suprising but highly amusing, maybe good and helpful for those grown up in more chaste taboo ridden families. Talking open minded about everything with everyone or the people you hold in confidence can only be beneficial in the long term^^
@BiracialLaurie
@BiracialLaurie 5 лет назад
He looks like tim roth, and sounds like him too
@JudyBonilla
@JudyBonilla 4 года назад
That’s it! I’m dressing up as FLOW for Halloween 😅❤️
@martinkarp9298
@martinkarp9298 4 года назад
luv to see you.
@joseamorales84
@joseamorales84 3 года назад
U should lol
@marykappes4047
@marykappes4047 2 года назад
LOL. Good idea!
@marciasloan534
@marciasloan534 2 года назад
Post divorce, a guy INSANELY told me HIS FANTASY. It was soooooo Violent, I never trusted him again. He left me. I was very relieved. Blocked my number. Unfortunately still in my area.
@reallydoe2052
@reallydoe2052 Год назад
U ok🥺
@marciasloan534
@marciasloan534 Год назад
I meant to say I blocked his # Thanks for asking. So far so good
@reallydoe2052
@reallydoe2052 Год назад
@@marciasloan534 stay safe baby girl ok
@wandafrazier5206
@wandafrazier5206 Год назад
Thank you.
@bxabi0
@bxabi0 7 лет назад
this talk tells useful info about fantasies, and it's also entertaining :)
@bruja_cat
@bruja_cat 7 лет назад
"Unfortunately, I can't swim in vanilla pudding" I AM FUCKING SCREAMING xD LMAO!!!
@marishasookdeo8578
@marishasookdeo8578 5 лет назад
Lol crazy cool funny!
@vipsylar6370
@vipsylar6370 4 года назад
I love the part when he reads: "mouth to mouth resuscitation not necessarily in the lips that breaths". Super hot fantasy, I would love to do that mouth to mouth resuscitation in a woman. Hahaha
@AddictedToCandyx
@AddictedToCandyx 4 месяца назад
Geesh, those are all my fave topics! Lol no wonder I get such funny looks on first dates
@navinshirke6588
@navinshirke6588 5 лет назад
Good open talk, fantasy can of multiple personalities .
@mikejohnson7696
@mikejohnson7696 7 лет назад
There may be A benefit to disclosure, I strongly suspect acting it out has a much bigger benefit. For me, definitely the case.
@ralphrose1
@ralphrose1 4 года назад
I'm 💯 percent on board y with your PERFECT description of my 40 yr marriage..my love transitioned 3 yrs ago while performing sexily not exsempually but for sure OUT WITH A BANG!!!!...its just like him, to depart in a most Genius manner...the love of my life had photogenic memory capabilty
@megangallagher2200
@megangallagher2200 Год назад
he deserved more laughs lol great talk!
@abufidu
@abufidu 4 года назад
Try disclosing your fantasy to a judgmental partner living in the 19th century
@neonaviolett6281
@neonaviolett6281 7 лет назад
oh my Got, I just fall in love...such sense of humour :)
@pandurangaiahankalugari5785
@pandurangaiahankalugari5785 4 года назад
with whom
@martinkarp9298
@martinkarp9298 4 года назад
@@pandurangaiahankalugari5785 dream on.
@CrystalTwinStar
@CrystalTwinStar 4 года назад
I don't think the discussion creates the bond; it isn't that powerful. I think the bond is present FIRST, which IS Powerful and affords them the comfort level to discuss it.
@LardGargantuus
@LardGargantuus 3 года назад
Okay but the science says otherwise...
@louellabelle868
@louellabelle868 4 года назад
This is great 😁
@kazg9119
@kazg9119 5 лет назад
This guy reminds me of Howard from the big bang theory😂
@tomokilabruce4853
@tomokilabruce4853 4 года назад
The Rightful Heir to the Iron Throne !... Oh my God. I can hear Howard’s voice now that you mention it
@kel5710
@kel5710 4 года назад
🤣
@joseamorales84
@joseamorales84 3 года назад
Lol legit
@la1649
@la1649 4 года назад
Jealous no but fascinated yes
@pidouble145
@pidouble145 5 лет назад
This was surprisingly funny 😄
@joshuahorton-campbell3554
@joshuahorton-campbell3554 4 года назад
Dressing like an undertaker increases trust. Smart move as a man in this day and age, especially if you want to reach a broader audience.
@madaraw7238
@madaraw7238 4 года назад
Your comment is hilarious! I laughed so much it made me cry.
@geewizlana
@geewizlana 4 года назад
Discussing fantasies is too vulnerable and feels unmasking. But i also know women who don't have a fantasy or a specific scenario
@UnitXification
@UnitXification 3 года назад
He's such a Wallowitz!
@lostmotion18
@lostmotion18 2 года назад
Hormones screaming to come out are what drive men to satisfy a women’s emotional needs.
@reallydoe2052
@reallydoe2052 Год назад
?
@pisceanrat
@pisceanrat 4 года назад
What if that fantasy does not involve your partner AT ALL...
@sorrowandsufferin924
@sorrowandsufferin924 4 года назад
So.. what are you saying?
@angelicaarteaga9311
@angelicaarteaga9311 4 года назад
You’re fantasy is isolation lol
@maazhassan5427
@maazhassan5427 4 года назад
Role play
@mohit-pb3oz
@mohit-pb3oz 4 года назад
It's so called as cheating .
@sorrowandsufferin924
@sorrowandsufferin924 4 года назад
@@mohit-pb3oz Only if you have a partner
@leareyes15
@leareyes15 4 года назад
Lol who else thinks he sounds like the science host from crash course ?
@ciaran6309
@ciaran6309 4 года назад
I'm in that 15 percent. 😁👌
@mainee3699
@mainee3699 3 года назад
Thank you 🎈😊😊😊😄😅😂❤
@AlineMayne1
@AlineMayne1 4 года назад
Bjork is Icelandic and she’s not like that 😁
@lisamitchell3116
@lisamitchell3116 4 года назад
Aline Mayne no Bjork is much hotter 😊
@one4320
@one4320 3 года назад
Fascinating
@AndreHypnosis
@AndreHypnosis 4 года назад
Vicky Koukoutsika I'm glad you've enjoyed yourself watching this too. Congratulations on your great choice of psychology as well. Now would you like to dress up as Flo from Progressive and study with me? :D
@allieconzola
@allieconzola 4 года назад
This guy's voice and manner of speaking sound exactly like Hank Green lol
@RosieOs101
@RosieOs101 4 года назад
Allie Conzola Hank from Scishow?
@markbeeman3093
@markbeeman3093 2 года назад
Mine shuts me down.
@laylarahman11
@laylarahman11 4 года назад
Where can I find more of this man?
@ahmidvanstaden3179
@ahmidvanstaden3179 4 года назад
You do WhatsApp
@mohit-pb3oz
@mohit-pb3oz 4 года назад
In comment section .
@Joel_FC
@Joel_FC 4 года назад
I like how the inner freak of all the innocent looking girls is coming out on the comments xD
@jessicasandhu1858
@jessicasandhu1858 4 года назад
He luks and sound like chase from HOUSE
@ameslygirl
@ameslygirl 3 года назад
Personally, I got Mathew from Downton Abbey vibes.
@globalcat
@globalcat 4 года назад
I know this isn't on topic .. but looking at this guy, the hair and suit.. did he walk out of 1977??
@latinaalma1947
@latinaalma1947 2 года назад
Yeah I like men in suits I want d to beg him please just shorts and a tshirt...
@farmerfreakeasy9577
@farmerfreakeasy9577 7 лет назад
What happens if your sexual fantasy is something illegal though ? The man who lives above me is into something that makes me feel physically sick.
@farmerfreakeasy9577
@farmerfreakeasy9577 7 лет назад
Let's just say it's from the dark side. Slime included.
@H00133303
@H00133303 7 лет назад
slime?? I'm intrigued now
@darrylrobidaable
@darrylrobidaable 6 лет назад
Don't forget that there are no thought police. If it is illegal, no matter, you mind has the ability to enjoy the fantasy as if it were completely real. It can do this, but it is a bit tricky. I have been able to live fantasy as if it were real for as long as 10 min. And it was REAL for at least that 10 minutes. Later I cleaned up in my mind all the ragged details that leaves. So, I went there, lived as a Roman and returned safely. I have been out of the mental hospital for 14 yrs and running. Oh, I'm a survivor of attempted maternal filicide at age 5. I guess, I learned special ways to think to get thru that especially when I lived with my mother for another 14 yrs.
@Belinda99
@Belinda99 4 года назад
yes but alot of guys online tell me all their fantasies but theyre not dating me they dont wanna do it they just want as much as poss without taking you out coz theres this big amount now of guys who seem to think that taking u out for drinks or dinner is dating when its not and its coz i write erotica they feel at ease talking to me
@dumfriesspearhead7398
@dumfriesspearhead7398 2 года назад
Do you like them doing this? It sounds like you oughta get paid for it.
@msj6324
@msj6324 4 года назад
Absolutely 💯 Males want an extra person an female not another male, Fantasy.. It's emotional factor when the other party shift to the other person just to please their partner and goes left field 💔..
@mercyshaver5264
@mercyshaver5264 Год назад
❤️
@downsjmmyjones101
@downsjmmyjones101 4 года назад
That second level 3 fantasy is SO hard to believe. It sounds like a super tumblr shitpost.
@annamaegold
@annamaegold 2 года назад
💖
@lexiusmarti
@lexiusmarti 4 года назад
Tim Roth anyone? Reservoir dogs anyone?
@FA_2_Pilot
@FA_2_Pilot 4 года назад
Bingo
@tylerbarker4763
@tylerbarker4763 4 года назад
they could put a opid field hypothetically l(like the smallingishtis mostlyt in the past in your, to bump it up 5m or million per year
@janetwhite7786
@janetwhite7786 4 года назад
What?
@paulmoore7064
@paulmoore7064 5 лет назад
In my experience, disclosing fantasies is usually the beginning of the end of the relationship.
@ronandheather3079
@ronandheather3079 5 лет назад
Paul Moore then your in the WRONG relationship.
@tonioshea9870
@tonioshea9870 4 года назад
I think it depends on the fantasy... just a thought.
@lacie623
@lacie623 Год назад
That's too bad, but you should be able to talk about your fantasies without worrying about it destroying your relationship. Have you thought about discussing this with your partner? You might be surprised at the outcome, provided you do it in a loving & vulnerable way.
@paulmoore7064
@paulmoore7064 Год назад
@@lacie623 Partner?
@lacie623
@lacie623 Год назад
@@paulmoore7064 yeah, your girlfriend?
@vannymwamba
@vannymwamba 4 года назад
progressive advertisement...Brilliant!
@noronahahaha
@noronahahaha 4 года назад
kabwayi mwamba or just reproducible science.
@tinahuttner7280
@tinahuttner7280 5 лет назад
Well depending on what's in your fantasy you may not be able to accomplish it.
@gergelycsontos1435
@gergelycsontos1435 4 года назад
I think one of the major point of the video was that you don't necessary need to anyway. Your relationship improves just by saying out loud and discussing it with the partner.
@lilacsilverwing
@lilacsilverwing 5 лет назад
She may not be Icelandic but she definitely reminds me of Bjork 🤣
@linationalism
@linationalism 4 года назад
lilacsilverwing THATS WHAT I THOUGHT OF she’s gorgeous too 🤤
@wakawakaabby4779
@wakawakaabby4779 3 года назад
A + B = C 😩
@dull218
@dull218 2 года назад
No just stop...
@louiseerbslisbjerg7854
@louiseerbslisbjerg7854 4 года назад
Honestly - it's a talk I dont want to have and never did. I feel pressured enough to live up to either own fantasiss I dont actually want to act out because they are over my personal boundries - and I would'nt want to feel obligated to live out my partners fantasies if they are not sonething I would feel comfortable abd safe with. I've grown up in a generation that seem to think that if you put it out there - then it has to happen. My boundries have been crossed SO many times in the past because others seem to think it just has to be the way they want it. And no matter what I do I will never have the tall, skinny, perfect body(ies) my husband used to have; no matter how much that would be the star of his fantasies I cant live up to it - so I dont want to know, being 40 with a c-section belly, cellulite and saggy boobs. I dont believe for a second that he or abybody else would look at me with aby kind of fantasy or desire to do something, without thinking of others all the way through.
@anaturalwoman
@anaturalwoman 3 года назад
Please don't think I'm judging but sounds like you need to work on loving yourself. We all have flaws but you can work toward being "the best you" you can be.
@meghnasengupta2000
@meghnasengupta2000 3 года назад
Think about what you want. What others think is their problem.
@brianderhen9392
@brianderhen9392 2 года назад
As a man I respectfully disagree. There are countless men, countless people, that would drool over you, whether or not your current partner is one of them. I hope you give yourself more credit.
@sandra.saverio
@sandra.saverio 5 лет назад
He is so funny! And fine funny men are hot in my real experience. Books or oder vidéos of him ?
@zakuro8532
@zakuro8532 4 года назад
mating
@sunsetmoon5235
@sunsetmoon5235 3 года назад
Gee, wonder where his mind was when he slipped and said, " I'm looking at my 'tipit' "... 1:59 😆
@dumfriesspearhead7398
@dumfriesspearhead7398 2 года назад
I wondered too.........
@mattgoodmangoodmanlawnmowi2454
@mattgoodmangoodmanlawnmowi2454 6 месяцев назад
Dude she wanted to see if you wanted to be with her enough to rusk a physical confrontation with an assertive male. Wrong choice. She was looking for Ragnar. A son of Ragnar. Yku chose to not resist her possible abandonment. You can say what you want. I know what I am talking about. Story of my youth. - Matt’s dad English blood, i fell for a beautiful and smart Irish girl. Only woman I never F’d around on. My boldness cajught her eye. It has had its ups & downs. But she still knows & believes that It am different. I go after what I want and often get it. Read the best sellers in women’s romantic fiction. Not a shy nice romantic make in them. -Matt’s dad
@Hannah-zc8gn
@Hannah-zc8gn 4 года назад
Somehow I feel like the second fantasy was from the author of "My Immortal"
@hayraceleste
@hayraceleste 3 года назад
the way he mentioned taylor swift twice in this video really surprised me lol
@apoorrvgupta1658
@apoorrvgupta1658 4 месяца назад
Why r we discussing super private lives on a public platform ? The world is going crazier by the day..
@constrictum
@constrictum 7 лет назад
A man talking about sex. Let's get ready to rumbleeee! Fight!
@FoodShowFan
@FoodShowFan 4 года назад
Why is it always these goofy dudes talking about this, and not the hemsworths? His intro was cringey
@dumfriesspearhead7398
@dumfriesspearhead7398 2 года назад
They don't need to.
@ronneyrendon5045
@ronneyrendon5045 4 года назад
I prefer men with steel blue eyes actually.
@mansiarora885
@mansiarora885 4 года назад
Also, I see the male fantasies didn't interest you as much.
@michellemontpetit5348
@michellemontpetit5348 4 года назад
)
@victoriadream
@victoriadream 4 года назад
2:42 mins in and I’m bored cuz I can’t relate to Icelandic beauty sir...
@martinkarp9298
@martinkarp9298 4 года назад
oh
@jamesbeemer7855
@jamesbeemer7855 4 года назад
Hmm.. Iceland has lesser attractive women just like other places . His focus is on the super model . He can have the super model unless she comes to you 😉 ; to spite him ... Oh yeah sweet revenge .😁
@cocoslover100
@cocoslover100 5 лет назад
Wanting means not having. The stronger fantasy activated in the rational brain, the less blood flows to emotional gut brain to attract women in reality.
@KaoXoni
@KaoXoni 4 года назад
Was that Law of Attraction on a neurological level?!
@cocoslover100
@cocoslover100 4 года назад
Attraction comes from feeling as spiritial energy waves, not from brain thinking.
@soulos7081
@soulos7081 4 года назад
Pretty sure he had study subjects make up their answers as a joke.
@pisceanrat
@pisceanrat 4 года назад
Who knows if he has icelandic babies if only he were bold enough then... missed opportunity
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