Other People's Trauma-Driven Behaviors Can Eventually Traumatize YOU 

When your notifications pops up on my screen , i think...."yes it is Anna , my fairy ", what knowledge am i gonna hear today . Thanx for your videos ❤ It has open a new door for me ❤

👍👍 I've made this statement a lot myself (very broadly), over the last few years: mental illness _is_ contagious. Not as in the way that viruses spread, but in the way that ideas do. Our impact on the lives of the people around us is _huge_

This is why I avoid relationships... I have endured enough in my life and don't want the drama of a relationship destroying my recovery...

What a great guy. He comes across a bit naive and sheltered which is the perfect prey for malignant and predatory people. I hope he can move on and find a healthy partner that can give back to the relationship and not just take.

I used to be emotionally unstable like that in my relationships, being off and on, hot and cold. I think mostly from my fear of abandonment and fear of marriage failure, since my parents were divorced. I don't think I ever used my friends to be mean or persecute any of my ex boyfriends, though. She does sound like BPD.

Smear campaigns were a big trauma for me. It’s the sensation, the micro-changes in people’s behavior that make you feel uncomfortable. I wanted to explain myself so eagerly in the past, as if I had to apologise for just being. Now that I’ve healed the biggest part of existential guilt 😅 I do feel uncomfortable at first, but then soon I regulate back to my cool mood. It’s amazing how everything is revealed in time - and if it isn’t, people who become flying monkeys so easily have some healing to do for themselves too, isn’t it? Patience, Luke! ☀️

I agree with you that she seemed to turn her friends into flying monkeys. The first time was weird enough but the second time clinched it. It changed the way I viewed her at that point!

Yep. Narcissistic behavior. She love bombed (mirrored him so they had sooo much in common), then devalued and discarded. Then she hoovered. It felt “Normal” because she was trying to get back in your graces. Gaslighting by forgetting things, too. Then rinse repeat. She even threw future faking in the mix. Also ending up at his internship?? Stalking behavior. Also competitive. And the codependent mom thing? Feels like there’s a lot more to this story. Even if she doesn’t have npd she has narcissistic and borderline tendencies. I wish Luke luck healing. She probably discarded him because she went home and found someone else to play with.

I have CPTSD. Even at my most impulsive, and selfish states, I didn't recruit anyone to hate my exes. That sounds very emotionally immature

EDIT: Cluster Bs don’t meet demands or recognize/ respect boundaries let alone wait for a mark to be ready - for that one has to not be stuck emotionally at ages 5-7 and not addicted to power and control. Me in the old days would hear the family history and assume the knight on a white stallion role. Today , I would hear , “ Hi my name is so-n-so and my dad is an abusive alcoholic and mom is equally dysfunctional “ ME: Nice to have met you good luck with your life 🙂✌🏻 …then would spend the rest of my free time working out how I continue to attract these types and what do I need to heal in myself. 🤷‍♂️ strategic Risk vs reward these days- in everything.

We absolutely must be careful in these situations. I have spent 5 years healing from a relationship to whom I ended up trauma bonded to. I have been in therapy since, brought up all of my old childhood trauma and become stuck in a vortex of ocd addiction to healing myself. I have developed huge relationship anxiety, hyper vigilance, low self esteem, codependency and act in ways I never did before. (Like I myself now have CPTSD/borderline traits) it becomes a whirl of confusion. Thank you Anna x

Hurt people hurt people. Not just through active malice or callous indifference, but also through demonstrative maladaptive behaviors. My parents are textbook examples of both of these.

Yeah, the discard, devaluation, the hoovering …..

Same kind of story with my ex girlfriend with BPD. I'm impressed by the number of similarities. Smear campaign, deregulation, and of course those damn flying monkeys..

I would avoid her... I would just wish her the best and to get help ASAP!!

Luke sounds like such a great guy! Don't let this situation wreck how stable you are, naturally. She sounds like a narc and you're better off moving on, for real. Narcs are 99% of the time a lost cause, unless you're dealing with a self-aware narc. Even then, it's not a great relationship to get into for a healthy person.

What a terrible person ! She seems to have at least some strong narcissistic traits. It's normal to be a bit deluded about someone you've been with right after the breakup when you feel all confused by the abuse, but my dear luke , you're minimizing what she's done to you. Praying for you that you will get better, you really seem to deserve someone that treats you well

Excellent advice fairy! 💖 I see the co dependency (responsibility) I felt towards my abusive sister. Thinking, as I healed I should help her. Unbeknownst to me, she is a covert and only said the things she knew I needed to hear, never really interested in changing. Perpetually the victim of EVERYONE in her life. God showed me the truth, with some help from you, that I CANNOT help her and I am now free from her abuse. You're an amazing benefit to so many. Blessings to you!

I'm SO glad I wasn't the only one thinking it sounds like BPD paired with C-PTSD!!

This type of behaviour by the letter writer's ex is common. "I feel bad" or "I have been unofficially/officially diagnosed with depression/(insert any behavioural conduct problem/psychological diagnoses here)" is used as a covert threat to distract from and/or force others to ignore off or harmful behaviour. We can then soothe ourselves from this threat - with another lie - that we are helping them figure things out for a short tricky time whilst the tricky situation with others blows over. The manipulators behaviour, in reality, is code for "I have societal/professional back up (real or false) so don't even think about disagreeing with my reasonings or actions here". The usage of emotions and diagnostic terms to excuse dishonest behaviour is rife. To further gaslight ourselves into thinking that the manipulators emotions and diagnostic terms excuse their reputation denegration from them is devastating and harmful, also. And to top it off, to blame friends for their off behaviour to get away with it is cruel. Beware those that worship their heavy hearts. They are emotionally unavailable and can look after themselves just fine under their own devices. These folk simply use their heavy-hearted siren song to use other peoples devices instead of their own. Peoples rough past or rough present is no excuse of this threatening and parasitic behaviour. I wish the letter writer well. Thank you Anna and team for the content.

My advice is... When someone treats you badly, dumps you, and then comes back stay away. There is a dynamic between the two of you that is not healthy. She needs to do HER healing. No other person can do that for her. This can be hard to accept, when you have feelings for someone, but when this happens/happened to me, I release them to a higher instance to take care of them. 🙂 To me that is our Father in Heaven and Christ, who has done a wonderful job with his atonement. 🙂 I support them by praying for their healing, and that they will be safe, but you got to stay away from them, even if they try to lure you in. Release them in love and focus on your future, and your growing. ❤ I want to wish you good luck. 🙏❤️

I strongly feel the letter writer has left some details out.

Stay strong, Luke! Rooting for you

And .. Her "friends" may also come from Abusive Families and or have similar mental issues....

Glad I avoid relationships, waaaay too much trouble to be anywhere near worth it 😬

I hope Luke looks into some support groups and or hobbies so he can heal himself ...

I understand Luke's predicament. He loves her. He's concerned about her welfare. He probably knows there is no future for their relationship on a romantic level. I'm in a similar position with my ex. She also has CPSTD and serious abandonment issues. I love her and care about her. We were married for 21 years. We now live in different cities 1000 miles apart, but regularly talk on the phone and communicate by mail. For myself, my answer to "What can I do?" is pretty much nothing. I continue to be cordial, I've even sent links to a couple of videos from Anna. She hasn't acknowledged receiving or watching them. She doesn't want to talk about anything serious. She flatly refused to even tell me how she's feeling in any meaningful sense. In my case, I have to just say she's in God's hands and let her go. It's very sad.

‘Stressed cells emit electromagnetic signals that can be picked up from a distance of up to 30 feet.' - Luc Montagnier

Some of the lessons I learn from your videos are like being suddenly awakened. One here today is plain creepy. You mention that narcissists can sometimes copy their target's ("loved one's") choices or behaviors. I had that happen repeatedly with my first husband. One time, he believed he couldn't find a job; I found a job; he got one right after. I had a very astute coach, who only met him ONCE, tell me she noticed that he watched me to know what to do next, and copied me. I'd long-noticed it too, without saying a word to him or anyone else. But I thought that was just MY imagination. I knew he grew up with horrendous neglect - 11 children, Roman Catholicism, overwhelmed parents - and I long-thought he was just hopelessly immature. That was a generous assessment on my part. 17 years after the divorce, I'm still learning about what he put our sons and me through. Yikes. We're flat-out lucky to be alive.

This sounds like my ex - she did this all the time on and off. Came and destroyed, left and came back when things were built-up enough to be destroyed again. Whatever people we both knew disappeared from my life and even my roommates started to act weird towards me, resulting in isolation for me. I’m afraid to have her in my life because she’d destroyed anything on my path. We tried being friends last time and when I saw how she treated others it disgusted me. I just couldn’t be friends with her either. But inexplicably, I’m still very attracted to her.

I know this video was not about me but I really needed to hear this. My ex was verbally abusive, any time I had a complaint they would derail what I was saying and make it about their feelings and what I’m not doing. When they were diagnosed with CPTSD from their therapist I found this channel and the first video I watched helped me hold boundaries with some of the ugly behaviors they exhibited in the relationship. They didn’t like that I did research to help myself in the relationship as well. However once diagnosed they never got to healing they needed. in fact they told me their therapist and other people said they should break up with me when I held boundaries, when I tried my best to tell them how they often acted jealous and callous towards me. I was so confused all the time and now I’m trying my best to heal. I told them to leave that I needed space and they were upset that I wasn’t a miserable wreck without them. They spiraled and passively quiet quit the relationship. They left me with the responsibilities of our house, taking care of our fur babies, cleaning, they always used their mental health as a weapon to not help with household chores and I even did the majority of the move alone. I had to beg them to admit that they were breaking up with me through text and they finally said it. It was a horrible experience and I started speaking about the relationship allowed. Our relationship was great as long as I spoke to no one about the abuse and trauma of them breaking things and screaming at me for hours. I know all this and I’m literally watching this channel going “omg that’s my ex” when really I need healing and to take the L and move on which I’m going through now. A part of me is angry but another part is feeling sorry for them and wishing for their healing. In conclusion: I will focus on my own healing and no one should ever treat me like that as my parents didn’t raise me to accept behavior like that.

Hey, Anna. This question might be a little different. The background information is I am a trauma Survivor. After many many years, I am finally realizing it and finally on the road to healing. The beginning was really really hard. I thought everything was only getting worse, but now I’m starting to see the benefit in facing your trauma, and I see how much hope there is. My friend’s teenage daughter, however, does not. She is a trauma survivor, and she has shut down. She is refusing to face it, or talk about it. She is losing weight rapidly, sleeps all day, except to go to the bathroom, and occasionally to eat, misses a lot of school, and was even placed on a homebound education program because of it. She doesn’t go anywhere. All she wears is sweats and she does not brush her teeth or hair or even put it up. She wouldn’t wear another set of sweats even if we gave it to her. She wears crocs and nothing else for sensory reasons. There is nothing that she likes, nothing that she does. The closest thing that we can come up with as an interest anymore is maybe weighted blankets because she does sleep with one in bed. Her GP is not concerned about the rapid weight loss. She has been trying to find the right medication combination for many years, and cannot find one that works for her. She doesn’t react typically to medication and most make her sick. Hospitalization is not really a good option, especially with the hospital options in my area, unless the person is actively planning to un-alive themselves. And she won’t participate in therapy. No therapists has helped over the years, though she’s stuck with them. She’s been with her current therapist for quite a while, and no longer even talks in therapy. She hardly will even make small talk. She continually says everything is fine. Her mother can’t even figure out what to get her for Christmas. Not even gift cards because she gets too overwhelmed. And it makes sense because of the trauma. Decision-making, being around people change, executive function, self care. At this point, even her therapist says she has to want to get better, but the child just doesn’t care. We can’t just sit and watch this happen to her. We are so scared. So my question is, How do you help someone who doesn’t want help? And for all of the people who say you can’t, how do you not do anything? She’s a teenager. You can’t just not take care of a child. I’m at a loss. Please please help!

If worse comes to worse I recommend transferring to a different College far enough away so he will never have to confront her again..

🎶Leave her, Johnny, leave her, Oh leave her, Johnny, leave her. For the red flags are long and the excuses are wrong and it’s time for you to leave her.🎶

I feel like I’m navigating a lot of this right now. I know better than to linger on self shaming, which is sometimes easy to latch on to when considering my own reactions in retrospect. I guess the most salient thing I’ve learned out of my experiences is to try and take the present at as much face value as I can, and to keep trying to be mindful of my own cognitive heuristics as they manifest.

00:00 🤔 There's admiration for balanced relationships but worry about trauma's impact on behavior. 02:17 🚩 Trauma-driven symptoms from a partner's past abuse deeply affected the relationship dynamics. 05:18 🤯 Trauma-triggered emotional turmoil surfaced during shared experiences, causing severe distress. 07:22 💔 The relationship's impact led to isolation, depression, and suicidal thoughts for the letter writer. 10:48 🚫 Emotional distancing, manipulation, and abuse from the partner and her friends were evident. 13:56 🛑 Clear recognition of partner's struggles but also acknowledgment of unhealthy patterns in the relationship. 17:21 🤷‍♂ Despite concern, recognizing the need to disengage from the destructive relationship dynamic. 20:53 🙅‍♂ Encouragement to prioritize personal healing and step away from the toxic relationship for self-preservation.

This person sounds very much like my mother, who has both narcissistic and borderline traits. Throughout her life, she's drawn in men like flies, but at some point they all run away screaming (metaphorically). I hope the letter writer is able to walk away and stop ruminating about this person. The silver lining is that he will have some red flags he can keep his eyes open for in future relationships.

I recently ended a relationship with a friend who did this 180 switch on me; and now she’s badmouthing me behind my back and tries to recruit everyone against me.

EMDR/IFS creates secure attachment style, whether your trauma begins in childhood or later💖

I agree with everything Anna says here. It does not matter what she has, she most likely needs much more help that you can provide to her, even meds and some rehab for mental disease. The relationship was probably not emotionally healthy the whole time and seemed normal only on the surface because she was able to control/hide her symptoms better. You already tried to make it work two times, now it is time to block her and re-claim that baggage

Oh Luke! My ex husband used to brag to his friends that we never fought. I'm so sorry. You aren't alone. You've learned a lot. You will become such a good husband some day. Some souls are here to help us level up, and they don't hang around as long as we'd like. The best you can do is live as if nothing is guaranteed. You might find someone who lights your fire in a way you couldn't even imagine, but if you hang on, you will decline the invite to the social event where you would meet, sort of thing. Have faith that the universe has good things in store for you, a curious optimisim. My initial thought was "she definitely told her friends that he abused her." But I wouldn't want to make such a bold accusation. Just a feeling, that could have been what happened. Usually people who are that unstable have not yet identified their parents codependency. Maybe she was using drugs, opiates? As a way to help fuel the more difficult job, it became a more regular habit. But she just couldn't show up.

Thank you

Sounds like he deserves better. She needs healing but that’s not his problem.

She sounds like something R.D. Laing would write about, normal until she went back to her family. I would also question what she said to her friends.

It’s true that cptsd is contagious, I jumped my abuser and doing so frighting his grandchildren, I do regret it. (The grandkids part not him.)

She sounds like a really emotionally dangerous person. You however sound like you have so many good qualities and are capable of having a really happy healthy relationship with someone else. Please don’t waste time trying to work out what’s going on with her. Be grateful you didn’t end up marrying her before this side came out. It sounds like she does have a personality disorder. I’ve went out with men like this. It doesn’t change or get better. Please move on and find someone that deserves you.

As a woman with C-ptsd from bizarre childhood ( sibling molestation, filled the role of mother/wife for my dad & younger brother and so much more i wont go into to here) I completely identified with this girls behavior patterns. She most likely has avoidant-attachment but has moments of hope like her mention of future children with him..then gets scared and her defense mechanism take over causing the change and breakup. It is a unhealthy pattern I've done for years..I suspect this mature young man will be fine but would be wise to never get sucked into being with her again as I dont see her pattern changing..and yes, she may not be that into him but felt safe with him..he will most likely get hurt again by her if he gives her another chance. My hope is that he is now more aware of this type of traums and behaviors and be able to recognize it in possible future partners before having it wreak havok on his well-being.

I think both Luke and this woman are disordered and play off one another. Why does Luke want to "save" this woman? If she was half as bad as he makes her out to be (and I have to question if she was) what was the draw for him? Why was he willing to be treated so badly on a repeated basis? Something does not sound right to me.

Luke sounds like a really fantastic guy. Please Luke, let her go, you'll find plenty of women who want to create a family with you

It wouldn't surprise me .. If she is self medicating with Drugs and or Alcohol as well in order to escape her Abusive Parents ... You can lead a horse to water,but you cannot make them drink...

I think Luke is leaving out some important info that would draw a much clearer picture. Groups of people usually don't try to ostracize someone without reason.

16:40 or so. So, i have bpd and I am sure i have C-PTSD as well. She may have very well meant the future plans. I say this from my own personal experience of rushing into relationships and destroying my life and everyones around me. Currently working on healing. Its a process. Just wanted to mention that she probably meant it. Sounds like something i have said and done with both of my long term x's. Also what they said back to me.... As most birds of a feather do attract one another. Hey but i loooove your videos. Dont want to leave you with constructive criticism without a compliment. You have helped me with these, so thank you and please keep these coming. They help more than i could ever express. I want to heal.

good thing they never slept together, she would probably falsly accuse him of assault

Narcissist definitely influence

What is that You prefer to experience? Is the only interesting question. I've been a martyr, I could be projecting/ just ...frequencies we prefer to Be.... is interesting. Coz each relationship takes 2to tango❤ Thankyou / fascinating

I guess im jaded but this dude sure does paint a pretty picture of not having any idea of what he's doing in this relationship. Does he have a trauma blindfold on or was she that good in hiding her red flags.

Thanks Anna. This woman is pretty damaged. The man telling it seems well adjusted but everyone has issues. Healthy boundaries are crucial for me. I go to a therapist - have for years. I am no good to my kids or others if I live with someone in this type of relationship. The fun only lasted a short time.

This could be the reason why im so messed up: i have my own issues and everyone else i know is worse because it becomes a comparison. What i share they got to share more. As if they are attracted to drama trauma

He should apply for a different internship, but let her think he is going to the old internship. Then keep the new internship a secret and go on with his life.

This happened to me.

I totally noticed the smear campaign Luke’s gf went on. I was thinking it sounded so much what narcissists do as well!

I just keep thinking throughout this video that Luke has no awareness about his part and thats unfortunate. Dysfunctional attaches to dysfunctional most of the time. The very end of the letter is where we get a glimpse of this.

Once my mother in law demanded that my wife abandon me after the kids were grown, and my wife accepted the plan. Her emotions were weird until I got to the bottom of the issue. Sounds like someone in the then-girlfriend's home family did soemthing like that to the then-girlfriend.

Wow, sounds like textbook narcissistic abuse, which does real damage to both your physical limbic tissues and to your psyche. Who knows how she got the way she is or what her particular personality disorder profile might be, yes, it can be contagious in the sense that such people were likely traumatized by traumatized people and they do traumatize us and then we're stuck walking around knowing exactly what it feels like to be that traumatized person and to have to figure out how to heal rather than aggravate it while we're walking around wounded.

Like Steve Harvey says, when they show you who they are, believe them the first time. Your girlfriend said she’s changed and you wanted to give it another go, I get it. But the changes take long time to set in and she’s still forming as a person and so are you. No need to allow her abusive behaviors in your life, these have a funny way of repeating. She’s not strong enough to break the cycle of abuse she’s repeating, notice that and be cautious! Don’t allow this to become your reality

But you did not answer the question. Is it contagious? Can it affect a healthy person or drive them nuts to be so traumatised. Maybe luke has his own issues that we don’t know.

I fear like I may have transmitted my CPTSD to my husband 😢

This sounds like a BPD /codependent relationship The ex could have BPD.

Jordan Peterson says that there's a sweet spot for how much people get a long in order to have a successful relationship. Too agreeable can be just as uninteresting as too disagreeable can be stressful. Maybe the young lady was just bored.

This guy is not the angel he presents. Anyone supposedly that perfect and understanding and patient and wonderful in every way is the true problem.