Overcome Narcissist Aftermath: Your Grief is Shared Fantasy, too! 

It’s beyond a death because it’s a shocking realization that the person you loved never even existed. Thanks for this video.

It took me 3 years to mourn and go through the stages of grief. Sadly, there were very little people around me that understood me or wanted to support me. Some people even blamed ME for the abuse claiming that I was stupid, naive etc. Even psychologists could not really help me with my grief. Only time helped me.

"Accepting the demise of the shared fantasy is one of the most traumatic imaginable human experience" : Thank you mr Vaknin. Really, honestly, gratefully THANK YOU.

I could not get over the “shape shifting”, “fits you like a glove” description. My ex narcissist used to do something called “the octopus” where he would completely cover me with his body and, literally, move over every part of me like a “second skin”. It was intoxicating because I was so in love with him and I felt absolutely that we were becoming one. I can recall him holding my face and staring into my eyes with tears streaming down his face and professing such undying love for me. Such idealization! I recall him presenting me with 2 8x10 sheets of paper covered with positive adjectives and telling me I was every single one of them. He tattooed my name on his pelvis. And I fell for all of it. And he emotionally tortured me, devalued and discarded me over and over again for 17 years. My life became a nightmare. I am still in the process of “skinning myself” to get out of this and I hope I make it out alive.

Nobody wants to be around a grieving person and the grieving person tends to isolate himself because he is ashamed of his prolongued grief. Grief is not accepetd in the society. "You should pull yourself together and move on as quyickly as possible"! Grief is considered to be a weakness and a flaw of character. I heard some people say to me "You just enjoy the state of grieving, you don't want to come out of it".

I feel like I died but I am walking around watching my body exist. This is pain like I have never experienced. Thank You Sam. I am holding on to " you will be ok"...Oh God I hope that is true.

Oh I'm in the depression phase... my hollowness is swallowing me up! I drive my car at night for a good long hour looking at couples or families together, and wonderimg what was wrong with me! Why didn't he love me as others did! Why didn't he hold on me as others would do!? And now i know these are the wrong questions... My loneliness is cutting through my body and heart! I can almost feel it like a blunt knife through my ribs. He robbed 5 precious years and walked over my dead body and coldly threw it at my face: you can live your life now! Mission accomplished!... Can this much cruelty ever exist! Why do these people exist at all? They are worse than wars and hurricanes, worse than deadly viruses and plagues! They kill one's soul alive! You live dead. You're literally deadly alive!!!!

This was so healing! I finally understand the bizarre dynamics. Every single word you said was exactly what happened to me. I think the hardest part was how euphoric i felt in the shared fantasy. He woke up parts of my soul i never knew existed. We would lock eyes and he would tell me "its all ok now Michele, your safe with me" I will love you and take care of you forever". I melted into his body and never felt so loved. My childhood wounds where finally healed for those years until devaluation emerged gradually. I spent 11 years in this confusion and he never discarded me or hoovered. Just long long silent treatments, moving away, blocking me. But i always begged to work it out. I even offered friendship as long as we could still be connected. I begged him with my life to not shut me out and he said ok and i remained in the fantasy. He was slowly disconnecting and i felt it. I panicked and told him im moving on please dont call me anymore. He said ok. Its been several months and im getting stronger everyday. No more abuse, no more confusion. I have a long road but i never want back into his world.

The irony is when I met him he insisted I immediately give him a picture of me and my daughter. I thought it was sweet. Now I wish I'd never met him and could erase the last 24 years of HELL!

I’ve been binging your videos every day for the last few months since my breakup, and they have given me more clarity than anything I’ve read or listened to. And this video specifically has helped me more than any of your other videos. It is SUCH a lonely experience, because almost no one in my life has experienced this and fully understands what I mean when I try to describe it. The mental torment is unbearable. The loss of sense of self is acute. The depression and hopelessness nearly overwhelming. Thank you for simply reflecting my reality back to me.

Who I had to become to accommodate HIM! 😢 The depression is real 😢 The self inflicted betrayal is real 😢 The numbness 😢 The loneliness 😢 The trauma bond😢

I am going through this right now. This process is the closest thing to feeling crazy that I could ever imagine. It is a lonely process that I battle daily. Thank you for this information. I am working so hard to overcome

This is one of the VERY best lectures ever given on the subject. I’m 8 months into this process, and I’m discovering ever greater insights. Thanks to you.

Thank you Dr. Vaknin. The others may steal your ideas, but you are the only one, the original. You have saved so many lives, including mine, thank you.

I think you can grieve what you never had - even though there was no "real" relationship the breakup can help you face those original losses that drove the trauma bond in the first place.

After understanding, it was abuse and not love. It was tough to cry it out as love. I felt disconnected from my previous thoughts after breaking that trauma bond. Those gestures and words which felt sweet when I thought it was love. It felt betrayal and manipulation. With at most difficulty I processed those feelings. Writing helped a lot.

"Breaking up with a narcissist is like skinning yourself alive." So horrible and true that I belly laughed. Someone please make this quote into a meme. 😂

Grief is real even if the fantasy is not.

Let out a sigh of relief listening to your introductory comments, Dr Sam. Realized almost immediately that I could walk off the narcissistic set. No need for tedious explanations, no questions, no interrogations, no hurt feelings. It’s just over. The play is over. Drop the curtain. His fantasy & my fantasy … done. What a terrific feeling of freedom to walk out of the cage, out of the mental prison. And to see my part in all of this craziness? It only makes sense so actually there is no one to blame. We both played our roles very well even though he acted like the director in charge of an asylum. An asylum he constructed while handing over to me my script, my role … which I tried to follow line by line. Thing is that he’s crazy and I’m crazy. He may want to continue the story but I’m tired of the fantasy. Just plain ol’ tired. What’s really neat is that there’s no one to blame! It’s been a shared fantasy, something we both constructed. Think I’ll just go take a nap now. What a sweet sense of release. Thank you, Dr Sam, thank you for giving me the keys that unlocked the doors of my shared delusion. Te agradezco ❤

Realizing now, that I went through all this by myself without these videos. But even after all these years I’m still trying to make sense of it. Thanks for your help.

I'm at either denial or depression... Or even more i feel like I'm going through all stages simultaneously. I'm losing my mind. I'm saying out loud that I'll never ever go back to his abuse... But i don't feel anything when i say it. Those words are empty. I'm betraying myself in the worst possible way... No self preservation instict.

This is so true. It was a photograph of me with a triangle over my head as his screen saver that he said he needed to do some adjusting to. It didn't make sense but now it does. From viewing every item of clothing prior to meeting to planning how I'd wear my hair. He made me what he wanted. My fault I fell into the trap. It was hell when I didn't conform to whatever he wanted. It was a nightmare! The grief & mourning is real. Eventually after he was established in this Country, he said he no longer loved me. I went gray rock and finally divorced him after 5 years of marraige, the last 2 just living under the same roof. Thank you for this! I will never be the same again. I break off all the soul ties in the name of Jesus.This is so messed up. Nobody understands why I keep mourning this. There's no closure and that's a hard concept to grasp. I will never go thru this again.

Over and over my therapist told me "Mourn the loss of the mother you never had". It took 3 months for me to process that. I was so angry. That was 10 years ago. Mim, (not a mom) has since died. The trauma didn't die with her.

Trying so hard not to text him. Only 5 months "together ", but he hijacked my mind. He has knocked the wind right out of me. It's all making sense listening to you Professor Vaknin. ❤

Aloha🌺 from Kona Hawaii🌋 I’ve been educating myself daily for over one year now, listening to your lectures, and slowly, but surely I’m healing now that I know that I’ve been married to a narcissist for 29 years, and that there was nothing that I could have done to change this individual, and it had nothing to do with me. I have three grown adults with this individual going through a divorce right now and let me tell you it is mind. F*^%ery just craziness, and it doesn’t help that it was a police officer for the first nine years of our relationship then it became a sheriff officer, and now it’s an officer of land and natural resources, and so it knows how to work the system, and the law. here in Hawaii everything is half/half 50%.. it’s been over a year now and it knows how to drag the process you would think it would want to move on with its life with its next new intimate partner/victim that it was grooming for the last three years before my break down, discard… but nope it’s punishment and misery… it is so hard to find a lawyer attorney, who understands narcissism. And it doesn’t want to sell our home. It agreed to pay me out half of what our home is worth. But I doubt I’ll get anything because it Hass to refinance and over the years. I had to do everything adult around our home. I can’t imagine having to do all of this. Our home was beautiful once, but it has turned into a pig pen because it hoarded a lot of crap over the years and if I threw anything away, it would give me the silent treatment sometimes for a couple months, anyway I could go on and on I wish I had a lot of money so that I could hire you to be my attorney or at least just to talk with you in person but I guess that is magical thinking on my part (ha! I’m chuckling to myself) anyway, thank goodness for you, for sharing your knowledge with all of us Babetts & Guyettes ha! I like that we can learn and laugh at the same time🙂 Love & aloha AGAIN! Thank you……jody

This Doctor is such a blessing to humanity!

The worst pain I’ve been through, but definitely being able to talk to friends really helps me and although I don’t always talk as much as I should, my mind clears once I’ve done it.. for a while anyway!

I come back to your videos as soon as I find myself delving in past (shared fantasy)..... It really helps and gives an instant reality check..... The mind is something which has no control.... One has to keep control over emotions with help of knowledge and sharp understanding.... Or the mind can drag one to dark places.... At such times, revisiting your videos help. Ones brain has to be a strict master of ones mind. This has helped me so far. Don't know the rest....

It's embarrassing to admit that Vaknin's lectures and excerpts have helped me safely exit more than one narcissistically cursed dynamic. I purposely don't call them relationships anymore, to remind myself none of it was real. It felt real to me - but so do dreams, hallucinations and psychotic states, while you're in them. I have nothing to show for but misdirected anger, distrust, ruined friendships and a tainted reputation, not to mention the ineffable self-destructive cravings ever since the breakup. Since I no longer have a devil on my back, I tend to my own masochism by making bad choices that don't involve bringing the killed-off character back to (my) life 😂 The breakup itself is easy if compared to the uncomfortable commitment of never contacting them again, amidst the hurricane of feelings we're left with. Thank you Sam Vaknin for dedicating so much content to the aftermath of The Falseman Show. It's insulting how similar the shared fantasy's script is for everyone here, but it sure helps us feel less broken and alone.

"Ok bunnies and bunnets" ...what a sweet and humourous person you are professor!! Thank you for helping so many people who were ignorant about narcissism and were suffering patiently in silence..

There is not in the whole you tube a better explanation for the whole situation of the disaster you feel because of a relationship with a narcissist. It makes all so clear. Sam, you are our rescuer, I lived for decades in the darkness of the unknown. Knowledge is POWER , but only the RIGHT Knowledge. Thank you for everything, you are the first and the last and it's a pity that not everyone knows about you and your amazing work in the narcissism. You initiated so many things and all the rest experts should first spelling your name with attention and honor. SAM VAKNIN first, narcissism best expert and inventor and then their bla bla bla. Sorry for my English, I am from Greece, I am a scientist and I can totally recognize your uniqueness Mr Vaknin.

I am at this point. i am in tears listening to this podcast. He left 10 years ago, i grieved for 7 years! his words were in my head. We never divorced , hope and his flying monkey mother contributed to this. I started feeling ME again, and He came BACK for 2 months , I went through the whole textbook cycle! he went back to the other woman, leaving me feel small, humiliated and angry at myself.. again. I will allow the grief. I was fighting it, trying to be strong. I need to find other people, who understand , I can trust myself to tell anyone my humiliation again. My physiatrist just medicates.. I need nature, get him out of my head.

oh my god , u totally nailed it .. breaking up with my narc felt like my soul had ripped out of my body

A person suffers - the grief - and it is because it is they want to avoid responsibility for their own life. They have become discouraged by an abusive individual. They need courage, something the narc can not ever have. Narcs are about power. "normal" people have courage and become ENcouraged or DIScouraged. Once a person begins to become responsible for their own life their courage will build.

This would have to be the best information out there about recovering from narcissist abuse . Thank you Pro Vaknin for this episode🙏🏻

There is something very interesting about this snapshot explanation that make me think of dating apps and how everyone there have pictures of their ideal selfs and how the first interaction is with these pictures and descriptions.does it mean that the beginning of such interactions are like a shared fantasy 😅

Abused for a shortwhile close to a year but the aftermath of it is taking forever to get over,Its like I have been abused a min ago damn.

Everytime I start to doubt my limits, I come to your channel and it just works like wonders; never been able to connect with other content creators about this topic that romanticize every bit of data, you clearly know what you're talking about - not because you're a professional but because you explain so simply the logic behind it all, from childhood trauma to adult chronic behaviors

😮mourning something that never existed 💡

Why is this man the only one to make sense?! I want to learn under him!

I think this is Sam's kindest message. Thank you. I agreed to many points aloud like a sermon. I admit and agree it is my own fantasy that died and I feel unalive without it and him. My experience was only a couple months and I want to be honest and admit, I am foolishly so jealous of people who had the fantasy for many years or who got repeatedly hoovered. I know, the narrative SHOULD be I was stronger willed, so I didnt 100% comply and so it ended sooner as sucessfully poor supply. Some time has passed with friends poorly understanding this devastating experience, myself too, until I found your youtube. I am wiser today due to this knowledge. I owe it to myself to live and spread this knowledge.

I've been watching your videos non stop for the past couple weeks and I would like to express my gratitude for you and this channel. I've just went through 6 months of emotional and physical hell, completely alone, not able to talk to anyone. I had no clue what was happening, what had happened, and thought I was really going crazy. Now I know. Everything makes sense now. You have helped me tremendously thank you 🙏

Madeleine here (Nigel is my deceased hubby - after him I landed a Covert Narcissist!). Sam Vaknin you are a Genius! My psychotherapist is most impressed too! You have almost single-handedly saved me from Narcissistic Abuse! I am Loving this latest one, as I was discarded (for the second time) in March. It’s true! I’m grieving my Idealised Self. I don’t LIKE my Idealised Self. It isn’t ME. My mother had CN traits and hence I have swung from feeling Special to Worthless all my life. Neither are the Real Me. Hey Sam I almost could say my ex covert narcissist did me a big favour. At last I can see my Idealised Self is no more real than the (co-dependent) Worthless One!

I am a painter. After i met my narc i started painting faces with no face. One of this in the chest had a rogthen hear. In one of oir breaks ups i painted a demonic like creature with pointy teeth eating its own flesh, hands and legs and vomiting them in a pool of blood... This is how much the pain was.. Fits exactly to the "skin yourself alive" Metaphor... After him i stopped painting.. I am afriad the beings that will emetge... The colours seem to have no colour no more... I used to write poems.. Feelings and words cannot be expressed... Ita thia void that now only exists... Recently i went to therapy... What i said to the dr was. "I just want to be again... I want to be alive... She asked you are not? I said one that wals on auto and eats in autonis not alive.. Its just living"... Zombie mode... Slowly i am gettin out of it... Today i went to the market with no panic attack... Proud of myself... " Guves a pat on her shoulder and hug 🤗'" ❤if anything i am learning to slowly love myself back.. Andntey to embrace the new me coming... Old me dead and burried... Screaming and mourning in my sleep... Buy slowly it fades away... Love yourself people... I slowly learn to do that... ❤

What a treasure to humanity you are Sam. Thank you for all you do ❤

"943 videos"... 😂 Thank you, Professor Dr Sam Vaknin. Respect and love from India.🙏

at 49 "it's excedingly depressing" yes. I am following this as Prof. Vaknin were in the room with me now. I seem to be in this exact moment of grief myself. It is beyond bargaining, anger, and the facts are, "she ruined my life", wait that is not possible and then oh yes I had the perfect love and totally changed to be her knight/savior/hero and she had a cold knower and this angelic sweet (wounded) child (She is vulnerable not grandiose) and I am the savior I always hoped to be on my white horse until the bubble burst the first time. And the second and the third and this monster just like my dad was there. Imagine witnessing dear old dad in a slim girl, wierd huh This talk is philosophic perfection at a time of synchronicity, hey if you can use Lacan I can use Jung no really I need this more than Heroin or a skull-bullet thank you, good for you for getting all clincal with us peons out in viewer world, thank you. And a real academic for a welcome relief, no really, I am now a fan, a subscriber. Professor Herman changed my life for the better. You are at that level, Professor, thanx last time, relief for me acceptance starts soon I have had enough uncontrolable crying and sleeping all day, it's not who I am Wow this was theraputic

This is amazing and every word is a truth I have come to know. I have said goodbye to the person i was but I am still here and building from the ground up. The professor has been one of the biggest helps in this slow recovery.

I'm just so relieved he is gone ...and I am free to live my life. 😅 Sure there are sad moments. But the worst parts were when he was still around. Now every day is sweet and better day by day. Thank you for your videos.

Dear Prof Vaknin, u are of great service to humanity. This is by far the best lecture on narcissistic abuse-the truth of it and how to heal from it that I have ever come across. ❤

This is medicine for me and gives me hope as I’m “skinned alive” Thank You ❤

I lived in a shared fantasy and the grief is a shared fantasy. I feel as if I lived in some sort of Matrix. It's very dark to think about it. The bright side is all of it was just a hallucination. I dreamed for 31 years.

I listen to you all the time. This has been most impactful on my journey…based on the stages, which I did not know, I am almost out of it but you have validated EVERYTHING I have went thru and experienced in my soul. Thank you Professor Sam🙏

Nobody understands as well as you Sam ! I feel listening to you I have become my own therapist! Thankyou ❤

The day after I had planned on ending my life I met her. I was skeptical but I quickly fell for her. Pure euphoria. On the day I said I would end my life instead we were in my apartment laughing and dancing and kissing on the couch. She looked in my eyes and said “you make my soul smile, I love you, and I hope you kiss me the same way when we grow old together.” That’s the moment I knew I was in love, and for the first time I said “I love you” to someone else. I thought I had found my person. Then the devaluation and discard began. I was right in a way. A part of me did die that day. But I’m free from the torture she inflicted on me and I’m learning how to enjoy life again

I have been listening to your videos for about a year. This is the most vulnerable and empathetic lecture I have heard from you. Deeply resonating with your openness and humility. Thank you very much!

Now I’m finally understanding how forgiveness is self healing. Once you realize they are the ill ones and they are the ones that got you ill. It’s so much easier to get over them and even forgive them. But not forget.

This is very much the path I have forged over the last year and I can vouch that this is the way to peace and freedom from attachment, and recognising self love.

I had this experience in my life and its effect to my emotional life. Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤

This is something out of this world,am full of regrets.

This has been the best video I’ve watched to help overcome this living hell…thank you!

add to the list the breakup was more painful that losing big amounts of money. Emotionally it really was.

I laughed for several minutes after having read this video title. It is hilarious in a morbid way, my intuition that this tittle spoke truth

The dismal shared fantasy😢

Professor Vakin you really helped me with this one. I really needed to hear this as I work through the stages of my grief. Thank you

This is amazing! I want to try to live after that video! Thank you very much

it took me 8 years and then stupidly I allowed him to suck me back in. 2 years on and the same same same. now I'm back to square one. however I'm more aware this time so it's not as crippling as round one. but still needing to understand again and grieve. what a horrible existence I feel I'm living 😢

What a sweet and caring talk. Just what I needed tonight. Many thanks.

This video really hit me hard- thank you professor Sam, this touched me in so many ways. Thank you!!🙏🙏

Thank you so much for the video. You nailed what I'm going through to a tee. It's good to know that what I am feeling is normal and all part of the process. Thank you again.

Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin.

So deep and so true. Thank you professor for all this philosophy, it is very helpful for me in this complex journey of grief and loss.

Thank you so much for the work you do 🙏🏽🙏🏽

Gosh, Thank you so much Dr. Vaknin!!!

When you mention the stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross I feel so sad... because my mother knew these stages. She began to work in our local hospice that opened in 1995, shortly after my father died at an age of 48 from lung cancer. She did the education program for senior caretakers and after that was instantly employed by the old female boss who build this hospice from nothing, they really liked each other I think and I´m happy about every positive contact she had. But my mother couldn´t see me growing up and she couldn´t grief even though she told me that she is long done with grieving, when I finally dared to ask her. She said, she did that when she cared for my father and probably also while she cared for other dying people. I had to very very hurtfully find out, figuring out myself that nothing like this happened. That my mother simply took my own brother as a spouse surrogate to avoid every emotion, to move on like nothing has happened. She does this until today in some way. Even when she had ONE clear moment after a rehab and she told me that the people there had done this family Aufstellung with her and she was able to see how she abused my brother and she cried, she abused me once more without even realizing what she´s doing there when she lookd right through me as if I was someone who had no connection with her, just some random person who happened to be in her livingroom in our house (that I had finally left only weeks before because I realized I would die when I stayed). There is this I think wellknown spiritual text by Desiderata "Geh Deinen Weg ohne Eile und Hast.." She once tried to quote only the beginning for me two times and failed each time so that it turned into go your way without "Heile" (healing you could say). I could have cried like a dog and I think I did when I was back in my room alone. 😭😭🙈🙈

Great lecture, simply extraordinary. Thank you prof. Vaknin.

It really helps to read the comments also.

This video is great because it pretty much sums up the entire cycle with the narcissist with emphasis on the end. The need to grieve the narcissist is so real. I love that you give Kubler Ross credit for her theory of stages of grief. Unfortunately many recent, most likely narcissistic researchers have been criticizing her theory. Sure it needed some tweaking and I love the addition of hope, but to criticize her is a shame. Thank you for this and all of your amazing videos!

Thank you Sam!...I needed this 🙏

Thank you Prof for helping me to understand and make sense of what i am experiencing.

Thank You , Professor !

Thank you so much for this very helpful content!🙏🏼

Fantastic. It takes me forever to get through your videos bc they're so dense with meaning, keep 'em coming.

This is so spur on.. I will return to who I am. Determined!

This is timely and deeply helpful. Thank you.

Thank you for explaining so well ❤️

Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤.

This channel has come to me at the right time

THANK YOU!!! ❤

I love this!!!! Brilliant

You're a brilliant man. Thank you

I am going through this at the moment. To put it in context, i'm married and have a family. I am a true Mother. I met a man online, and we seemed to hit it off straight away, i know some people didn't seem to like him much and i couldn't understand why. He was so friendly, funny, caring. I'm ashamed to say his 'love bombing' got the better of me for a time, but the more boundaries i set the more he took no notice. It got to the point that we either sex texted or we didn't speak, and I finally finished it 9 weeks ago. I was fine to start , but then it hit me, he was like 'the son' i never had and i mentioned to a friend who just laughed. Now I realize it's what he was, and he was my own mother' who had passed away at the same age i might add that he was. I wonder how the 'dual mothership' works if the he knows you are a true Mother. The last thing I ever said to him 'I love you unconditionally as a friend, but my family mean more to me and I wouldn't want to lose them' He was fine to start, then told me , eight hours later that 'i knew how to hurt' and he blocked me. I just wanted to be friends but i now see that he saw that as rejection. I miss him every day. And yes please judge me, i know what i did was wrong.

Thank you!

Hey Sam, thank you, brilliant, as an adoptee this is very helpful 🙏

Professional Empath Professor Vaknin, you always adress my important topics. XD Yesterday I heard you mention the autism aspect again, right when I thought, I still can´t figure out if this topic is present in me or my family of origin or not and that it feels so close that it can be mistaken for each other in specific constellations. And now you´re talking about grief, grieving shared fantasies. I guess delayed grieving and solving complex trauma caused by ongoing enmeshment is one of my personal topics, and as the exhausted escapegoat I´ll have to do it alone. Not easy at all to even find the safe state to do this. In the past I cried so much alone already, but it never really seemed to be my own grief, it was those of my family who simply have handed me.

Thank you for the quality information. I searched but could not find that you had any videos on the difference between borderline and bipolar. As someone with BPII, I would love to see this because from what I understand, BP is a common misdiagnosis for someone with BPD. Thanks again!

Thank you so much.

This explains so much! I think it's one of your best videos. I also appreciate your kind advice for moving forward.

Sage and comprehensive!

Thank you ❤