Overcoming the Fear of Love | Trillion Small | TEDxSMUWomen 

whenever im not talking to anyone, i want to be in a relationship. when im close to being in one, i start to panic and push the person away and sabotage myself. idk how to stop feeling like this ugh.

I get panic attacks when I develop feelings for someone.

2 lessons from this 1. Be vulnerable 2. There is no shame in trying. It's ok to be vulnerable and accept love♥️

It's not love that scares me. What scares me is the chance of being betrayed or cheated on, or be abandoned because they fell in love with someone else when you promised to be forever. I've seen so many examples of this that I'm scared of trusting people will be good and loyal

Its me. I am that person that pushes everyone away. RU-vid is shady for recommendin this

LOVE didn't hurt, abuse, or leave you.. It was the PERSON that you loved that did those things to you. 16:17

At age 12 my mom told me all a man will do is hurt you, I'm 56 two children and never married, her words still haunt me and she is dead and gone but her words are still follows through every relationship I have, I've been sabotaged in love by a woman who never experienced love herself.

When she started talking about her dad I cried,I wasn’t even aware of how damaged I felt

She is sooo pretty

She deserves way more applause and a stronger crowd. What a beautiful and helpful concept. Do not be afraid to experience love

This was amazing. She gave us personal experience, emotion, neuroscience and spirituality... So glad I stumbled in to this. Truly liberating expression.

The girls of my past definitely had a fear of being loved. All of them only knew violent and emotionally abusive relationships. Sometimes I wish videos about self help, openly expressing emotions and loving ourselves were more common. We all want love, but sometimes the "what if" monster comes creeping in and messing everything up. Thank you for the video!

I’ve never been in a relationship and grew up in an awesome family, but for some reason I’m terrified at the thought of being in a romantic relationship

I feel attacked that this ended up in my recommended, but it’s necessary because I do fear love. It’s something I’m persistently trying to overcome because I do want to love freely and receive love freely. ❤️

She definitely deserves better audience!!

So in other words: take responsibility for your insecurities and don't project those things onto people you don't know that well. It is unfair and completely irrational to believe the person standing in front of you that you just met is at all the same person that abused you in the past.

My trust issues are ruining my youth and this terrifies me, I don’t want to end up alone but once someone gets any close, my guards immediately find their way up and I keep pushing them away then hate myself for them leaving. I don’t want to get attached to anyone because getting attached to anyone means giving them the power to hurt me by leaving and the cycle goes on.

*love didn't hurt you it didn't abuse you it didn't leave you, it is the person you loved that did all that* wow, such powerful words

"Love didn't hurt. Love didn't abuse you, it didn't leave you. It was the person that you loved that did those things to you."

I found myself being drawn to unavailable men, I attracted broken and dismissive men until I took a journey within myself and I discovered I was doing myself, started dating my boyfriend and the first week, I had a panic attack because he was everything I’ve always wanted and needed , I had to gradually talk myself and still talking myself out of it . Thanks for this

I want to protect myself so bad, I need like a thousand reassuring signs from a man before I let him know that actually I like him too. By that time they are fed up and think I'm not that interested. I don't even know where that comes from since I've never been in a romantic relationship

I can truly say that watching this has changed my life for the better. It made me realise things that I had been hiding from myself for a long, long time. Firstly, I was in fact afraid of love and intimacy. Secondly, deep down, I knew exactly why. Thirdly, I knew all along exactly what I had to do about it, and strangely enough, it didn't actually end up being that hard to do. Thank you Trillion for your brave and honest talk.

"We will never be able to reach our fullest potential if we do not obtain a sense of love and belonging."

I am in love with the most kindest, emotionally available, confident and charming man. He is handsome relaxed and happy. I met him while traveling. I have met a guy who communicates with me each day by calling me and asking how my day has been..he sends me lovely messages.. I know that I deserve a man like this as each person requires and seeks unconditional support and love

who else has father issues?😅 I usually crush on guys that are totally unaittanable and when there is a guy that has a crush on me I'm totally perplexed and run away from him

She's so bright, funny and smart, it's a delight listening to her! A really insightful talk!

"Try love again for just one more time" . Beautiful.

Just yesterday I was having dinner with this handsome, educated, incredibly emotional available guy. All I have ever dreamed of! And had a panic attack, got out of there running convinced I did not wanted to be with him. I could feel he was too good for me and I wasn't enough, but I am! Thank you for this talk

I get so paranoid (possible anxiety attacks) when I start to catch feelings for someone. I start thinking about past relations they’ve had and potential ones. I start questioning their feelings towards me then I self-sabotage. Kinda like beat them to the punch type of thing. I can’t really seem to stem this habit to one specific event in my life tho. I just know that I’ve been hurt by people I truly cared about.

There are many books on the shelves of countless bookstores that deliver a sense of warmth and comfort, yet the messages are ambiguous and unfeasible. You only feel better the moment you are reading, but after, there is nothing left. Those books were exhausting me. They were good stories that simply could not be applied to my own life. That's why I made this clip: "paradox of I can do it" (on my RU-vid channel)

"we accept the love that we feel we deserve" ~ the perks of being a wallflower (I think)

“We think that emotions are feelings”...guilty as charged. It’s the lies that we tell ourselves...so true!!!

This was a very helpful video. I'm a guy and I have this incredibly irrational fear of dating. I can talk to girls easily but when it's a girl I like, and I think of making a move, I just shut down. It's like a voice in my head tells me "you dont want to do this, just ignore your feelings. They'll go away. Show no desire. Dont let her know you like her." Its even worse when I can tell a girl likes me, cause I feel like I should make a move, but the voice just keeps me stagnant. But of course, when I'm by myself, I just beat myself up for all of that. I always say "next time" but the anxiety/panic is way too overwhelming when next time comes around. Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I'm going to take your advice on this. It helps to know that a past experience has physically rewired my brain and all I have to do is rewire it again. Thank you for this!

She deserves so much more recognition. The way she talks and explains it is amazing

This helped me understand my ex and now what I now experience from that relationship. I grew up very affectionate and normally I am. But now I've started pushing a lot of relationships away. The last date I tried to go on, I embarrassed myself when he put his arms around me and I pushed him away and started tearing up. I now know I'm associating that love with my body going into defense because it doesn't want to go through that pain again. My last relationship damaged me, my self esteem, and how I see others as potential people who will use me. This helped me understand what I couldn't explain that I was going through. Thank you.

"I just got so scared because I'm so used to being taken advantage of." "But why would I scare you?"

"Perfect love drives out fear" - the bible. Excellent presentation and amazing insights!

I don't really understand why there are only 1000 views. She's totally amazing.

This lesson was SO powerful and educational! Thank you so much for speaking, Dr. Trillion. I've been saying, "I'm never getting married", "I'll never let myself fall in love", "I'm never going to let anyone in ever again" since I was 5 years old. I have no logical explanation for this. I was never abused or molested or mistreated as a child. To this day, I have still never been a victim of physical abuse. Emotional abuse, yes. But not when I was 5. So I really have no clue why I've been terrified of love and letting people in ever since I was little, but I have been. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person who experiences this same fear in their daily life. Eventhough I still feel no real hope that I'll ever change my mind about love or intimacy of any sort, this lesson really helped me feel like I'm not alone in this. Thank you again! 💜

This woman is AWESOME and BRILLIANT and LOVED!!!!!

If a guy remotely implies he might like me, I run like I'm on fire. If he sends a vibe hes going to brush me off, it's on. He'll have my full attention for months. My dad abandoned me when I was 11. When I was 15, I found out he died. He lived 4 years without him contacting me. Trillion I cried with you when you talked about your dad. Sobbed. I wonder how my dad could have left his daddy's girl, to just leave me alone in the world. It's been impossible since to let a man near me that might really love me and stay.

Don't allow fear to tell you what you can and what you can't.

I've only had one relationship with my sons father, I was 12 years younger, naive and in love. He ended up being married, and I found out nearly 3 years in with a young child when his wife text me. I lived in UK and he was Irish. I ended up 22 with a young child homeless and no confidence. I'm 27 and I'm only just ready to want to try with someone else, but now I can't get out of my rut.

One of the best TED talks I've come across recently. Definitely learnt a lot. Thank you Trillion.

“Try it again. Try love again. Just one more time.” So powerful! Didn’t get to watch this TED Talk yesterday, so today I decided to watch it today and I received nothing less than a great message.

If I like a guy and the guy liked me back, I would not talk to them for a long time. Like idk why but I’m just tired of being afraid of being in a relationship. For just once I wish I can just be in love without having to be afraid or nervous😢

Wow👏🏽 ..You spoke right to my fears . Changing my mindset to freely love without fearing love because love didn’t hurt me or abuse me but one person did. I’m not going to miss out on love because of one mans error.

She is excellent at public speaking! Great, informative speech.

Hypocampus: "Gentlemen this is an Avengers level threat"

This is probably one of the best ted talks i've ever heard! Thank you so much. You are really beautiful too:)

Yall God works in mysterious ways. I needed this talk today and it was part of my recommendations. I refuse to let fear control what I can and cannot do.

I feel so lonely that my body hurts and i'm crying for pain. But i'm so afraid of love that i feel sick and i want to vomit. I have so much anxiety. 😖

Ummmm nobody in the comments section warned me that this would get emotional!!!

This actually hit me the right way, I’m so afraid of falling in love so afraid of men. It makes me sad to see videos just talking about how amazing falling in love is or how to “know how someone’s falling nI love” etc. In the bigger spectre that doesn’t even matter, if you aren’t willing to work on yourself so you can allow yourself to love and overcome fear. There are so much fear and anxiety in us, why hide it? Everybody is dealing with it and that makes us loveable in different ways when we truly fight. I’m thankful for this video, it helped me think clearly.

I am a psychologist and these are the best analogies for the limbic system I have ever heard of 🤣🤣🤣 Hilarious!Thank you

I have a very internalized sense of rejection. It’s haunting. Through years of self development, I’ve overcome depression and have shaped my life, filled my time in ways I feel are most true to myself. It’s f*cking hard. It’s both heartbreaking and vitalizing. I am still working and I feel stronger than ever. The realization of loving freely has come to me recently, I’m thankful to hear this video, I am terrified of loving but desire to so deeply. I know it’s all part of my healing. And I have confidence that I’ll get there. Sending out tons of love to everyone struggling the same.

Nobody told me this was going to get me emotional. This is the first time I realized that I push these people away because of the past. I always told myself he just wasn’t the one, or that I need to become better because I just wasn’t enough.

I get anxiety attacks when someone shows interest in me. It can be my close friend w one moment i was sharing my stuff w and the next moment they tell me they like me and i start avoiding them for weeks. I start making a cons list about them and keep telling myself i don't have time for all this. I don't know why i do that or why i get the attacks. But i wanna find out.

That is the first video on the internet that changed my life

The audience couldnt handle this at that time. If she did this today, this would be received way more

Everyone women in the world with daddy issues, including myself, need to hear this right now, so THANK YOU for this talk. It can be considered a life saver truly because we all discover, eventually, that love is what makes life worth living. I will personally take this step forward into releasing my fear based mentality and trust my spouse because after all, he wasn’t the one that caused my suffering. We should all remember not to carry the past into the present, it’s detrimental to a healthy relationship. Thank you again and side note, I concur that you’re very beautiful😄

Her mind and looks...lordt

Love seeing all these avoidant attachments in the comments, we in this together

Love is intuitive knowledge = feeling & intelligence

This might be what happens to a girl who grows up without a father in her life, she does not recognize (unconditional) love from a man.

"The Fear of Love is an Issue of Knowledge & the Antidote is KNOWLEDGE ROOTED IN TRUTH." -Dr Trillion

I'm ready to heal. I've struggled with intimacy/vulnerability and abandonment issues for as long as I can remember but things are changing for me because I met a wonderful guy and for the first time in my life, my fear of losing my chance with him is stronger than my fear of opening myself up to others. I'm so happy :) thank you for this tedtalk!! So inspiring

This is beautiful! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this with us!

"Wired for love" is a useful book on this topic

You spoke like a child of God talking about they Agape love ☺️☺️

This woman deserves the world - and definitely a bigger, more cheerful audience. The message is amazing - the delivery even more astonishing. This really helped me a lot. Recently i got into my first romantic relationship - and oh god, how much fears it brought up to the light. I don't know how algorithm spies on me and knows what to show me, but today I'm grateful for that and i wish you all to learn to love and accept love. 💛

This is one of my favorite TED Talks! Dr. Small breaks down complicated information into an easy-to-remember format and makes it fun and optimistic. I've become a big fan of hers just from this short video and I'm looking forward to seeing and reading more of her work! Thank you Dr. Small :)

Idk how to date, I feel awkward af when a guy approaches to me lol Update: i can openly talk a guy with out feeling too shy/awkward still single tho lmfao small steps XD

This literally made me cry

1:30 maybe failed relationships are not from the guys, maybe it’s from things within us that we haven’t dealt with 2:05 maybe we’re “interested in dismissive men”. do we attract and are attracted to men that don’t put in as much effort? 3:22 “we are simply hard wired to protect ourselves for survival”. we push away the “good guys” because of “experience” and “association”. we associate a feeling to a certain experience. are we associating love with fear because of how we were treated and how it made us feel? 6:45 science behind what happens in our body when we see a threat (in this case it’s love) 10:15 “our brains our wired to protect us and for survival” 11:28 “fear of love is a memory recall issue, it is a lack of knowledge”. we think love is emotions and feeling but love is simply knowledge and intelligence 12:40 we must TRY AGAIN and “create new counter activing memories that override the lies and stories that we have been telling ourselves” 13:10 because of what happened to us (how we were treated when we loved) we believe it was because WE were not good enough, we start to believe we are not wanted (all because of past experience) 13:40 “how do we decrease the strength of these unhelpful lies?” this is done through “extinction”,

Thank you so much for being vulnerable to tell your and so many of our story. Thank you for helping me with your experiences.

Trillion, this is sooooo...encouraging. Thank you so much for teaching us all how to overcome the fear of love! You've been a major inspiration in my life!!

Those brain terms are gonna pop into my head on my next anatomy exam and I appreciate it 😂

Love this video! The explanations are wonderful. I need to see more of her videos

Thank you for this. ❤️ I appreciate her for opening up and explaining this.

What an interesting name. Trillion Small. Amazing talk right here! Love how you break everything down

What a beautiful talk. I found it because I've been dealing with "yet another" type of relationship like you described in your video - a guy who seems like my type, but is actually quite dismissive of intimacy and connection. It's not a coincidence, either - I divorced my ex about a year ago, and we had the exact same issues for many years, where I was doing so much of the emotional work in our relationship until I was completely burned out. So, that sparked a TON of soul searching and research: I'm in therapy, doing EMDR, etc. and I'm just now beginning to understand my patterns and traumas and the things we and others do that hold us back from experiencing real love and connection. Why we attract the people we attract, etc. It's fascinating but heartbreaking at the same time, especially when you can see exactly why and you have found a person who seems so right but isn't quite there yet (and may never be). They're still hurting, too. You really have to hit a point, I think, where you are ready to finally dive deep and break down your walls and grow and change. It's a fascinating struggle and my heart goes out to everyone who recognizes that they were probably mistreated, emotionally neglected, abandoned, rejected, etc. and that it created so many barriers for them. You were never undeserving of love at all. You are beautiful and loveable just as you are, no matter who hurt you. Keep on fighting for yourself and doing the inner work and healing. Best of luck and thanks again for this talk :)

Omg! I stumbled upon this talk....everything resonated with me and I cried listening to her!

I wasn’t ready! She is amazing thank you!

I know this is not a religious form but I just want to say God is love and truth, seek him. Jesus has helped me, don’t believe the enemies lies. I have learned these things in the video through the Bible and praying. God loves us all

This TedTalk was SO good omg. The way she explained everything and used examples and simple words... I understand myself a little bit more now. Thank you queen.

The last 5 minutes of this TT really hit me hard. Trillion did a great job here I am truly impressed.

Thank you so much for those explanations and your authenticity 🙏🏽

Me anytime I get asked on a date. I really want to go but I'm petrified.

This hit way close to home... Inspiring talk!

I’m crying watching this. Thank you, Trillion. ✨

I love this video! By the end of it I was in tears!

Trillion is such a beautiful lady.

I wished she used PowerPoint slides that showed the represented parts of brain and associated roles she spoke about. It was a great explanation and perspective on overcoming our fears !

This video have been in my recommendation for a long time and I'm glad that I get to watch it till the end today. I realized that I have been afraid of love too and this video evokes a memory of the past when I was still a kid having a crush. I remembered being made fun of and until now, I would hate it if I were to like somebody.

Wow, you explain that so well. Thank you

In my mind you are my big sister. Trillion you are truly an inspiration. You have motivated me in so many ways you............ have no idea!

If someone this adorable can have trouble with relationships then I def believe everything she says. She's SO charming, smart, and beautiful!

Wow! She was amazing at her presentation!! I’m sharing this with a specific someone that I know is fearful of love!💗

This was EXCELLENT!!! Thank you so much for shedding light on the daddy issues & vulnerability. This resonates with me so much. 🙏🏽❤️