We need to change our culture in the Black Community. Kids are NOT retirement plans. We need to focus on wealth building and retirement planning. Men need to be held accountable as well.
If I probably had to take a guess as to why they push a lot of the responsibility on the youngest it's because (and parts of it will feel malicious by design not by accident): the youngest are the ones usually that leave the house last so they will most likely see their aging parents conditions first and may get suckered/guilted/taken advantage of (Just speaking from my own experience until I went no contact with my birth giver for her constant ab*se) taking care of their parents. Even on a deeper level, if not suckered/guilted/ taken advantage of by their parents but by their siblings/other trifling family members who would never in a billion years be bothered to take care of them but somehow expect the youngest to have this magical energy to do it. Or it's because of the weird attachment parents have towards the youngest children because they see them only as children due to their age, not people who naturally age, become self-aware, and independent while at the same time feel this sense of entitlement that because they overly spoil (strictly by the parents own choice, not the child, and based on generalized info on the youngest child but still it depends on certain family members) their youngest children, they automatically have to turn around and do the same to them. Or their biased manipulative condescending idea that because they are the youngest, they somehow have the energy and the automatic knowledge to take care of them and because they're the youngest they don't have much going on in their life so they have the open space and time to take care of them versus the oldest.
As a childfree woman, raising my parents is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If there's an issue with the air conditioner, instead of calling me so i can take care of it, they'll just sit in the Florida heat. So if i don't come y'all won't tell me?????? Having to stop them from getting their identity stole. I'm tired. Miss my sister, r.i.p. could she would help
That’s thee worst one making sure they don’t fall for scams. I’m dealing with that with parents and grandparents. I kind of have them to the point of letting me screen all mail.
We actually went through the same thing! Also, they got locked out. This is why one of us, either myself or my brother have to live with them, but it's exhausting because my mother is very clingy and doesn't respect my boundaries. She's very controlling. I know she's mentally ill, but it's draining me, and some of my friends have been telling me to move out
When i saw my moms health declining i started applying her to state assistance. Now she has section 8, utilities payed, disability check. She gave 30 years to America working now it’s time for them to help her. It’s a weight lifted off me and my sister
As the oldest child that had to constantly help babysit, cook , miss out on things i dont want to raise anyone i dont even want my own children. Its like people have kids as a retirement plan and they dont save or plan for their future because they plan on ypubdoing everything. Id rather not.
Same! I’m the middle child of my Dad and first born to my mom and practically raised my youngest get brother. I’ll always do my best to look out for my parents as best as I can but I refuse to take on all that responsibility when I didn’t ask to be here
@@LoveMe0516 exactly its not like we are saying we dont want to deal with them at all we are just tired especially if you were the oldest and had to basically be a second parent. plus life is much different than it use to be we are much busier than they were trying to afford to live
@@Tydeoflove exactly!! I’m sure neither one of us wouldn’t let anything bad happen but we have to live our lives for us. After spending so many years being a second mom I’m exhausted and likely won’t have any of my own children either. Just want to enjoy my own company for once.
Not necessarily I'm in the same situation. Remember not all parents are the same. Some are insufferable, some provide bare minimum care/ support and others are exceptional parents. Some go to great lengths to secure their future and their childrens and others place that responsibility onto children they barely supported/ or didnt. Such a variety so it may seem cold but all the details need to be taken into consideration💚
The reality is no person on Earth asked to be here. I know not all parents are good and supportive, but not all women had choices to end their pregnancies.
It's so hard. I did it for my dad for years and then I had the opportunity to get an amazing job in another country that would allow me to actually hire people to properly care for him and live my life. And honestly my dad loved that more because it made him feel like he wasn't a burden to us and I could help with his health and still live my life
I have told my kids . Please dont drop their lives to take care of me or their father. Being a caretaker for an adult is harder than your kids. I said if i dont drop dead while working then put me in a home. I am cool with that. Make sure yiuu visit me! The lady from Liberia is me when me MNL visits us. I love when she visits but i am so glad when she leaves. It is more work for us! 😢😅
My mom is 92. M y dad passed away last year, at 93. Raising both of them was so difficult. Now, just my mom is still so overwhelming!! She's been a boss her whole life. She's old fashioned. I'm the youngest of 8. Why are none of my siblings involved?? I had to leave my job and collect disability to do this. I'm a single mom of an autistic son. I love my mom more than life, but I need help.
I feel you I'm the youngest of four everything is mostly on me for my mother, but my brother does relive me when hes not working. It's very hard, and I'm disabled myself. Have you talked to your siblings they need to step up, and help you? That ain't right!..😡🙏🏾
This is one of my fears, that I might become a burden to my children. We had a discussion on this topic , that if anything happen ,they can put me into a home and not feel guilty about it. These discussion needs to take place before it happens. As a person who went thorough this we knew we did not want to put our parents in a home so we made it work. I think in a family everyone should do their share for their parents. I know there are groups for younger children being a carer for their parents.
My dad is in a home and that's one place you don't want to be. Sounds good but please don't go. My dad is there bc he left my mom to raise 4 girls alone. Alcohol took over his life and had to go in there.
Here’s MY opinion because I was in a similar situation, as I am the youngest and child free. My parents never divorced but my dad ultimately raised me and my mom wasn’t much of a mother . I’m totally trying to restrain myself about my “mother”) Anyway, when I was in junior high school my dad was still young enough and ASKED me if I wanted to move to his hometown where he was raised. As a teen heck no , who’s leaving their friends to move to a small country bumpkin place ? 😐 MOST parents wouldn’t have asked their child and especially a man , most these men would just leave . Not my dad. He remained in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage and stuck it out for ME. He was my best friend. He worked long hours in the HEAT and would come home and assist with homework, prepare a homecooked meal , and just taught me things and spent time with me . When he got older and asked me to move home to help ? I did it with ZERO complaints and still refuse to complain because at that time I was searching for a house , now I’m priced out of these expensive houses. I prepared his meals, hung out with him, and ran his errands. He was good to me and I made sure I was good to him. Now here’s the issue many people have to help their parents who wasn’t good to them. They are usually the kid with no kids or obligations. I feel like every situation is variable. Parents shouldn’t have kids to have someone care for them in old age, that’s selfish. If a kid doesn’t want to help then that’s on them , it’s not their obligation. I be dam if I stop, drop , and roll to help my mother. Her azz is going to the old folks home , period. I’d at least do that . I have ZERO contact with her , but I feel like if I was the only resort I’d at least get her in a decent place and just be done with her. If the kids are not able to help and it’s causing mental anxiety then just say “you can’t handle it”. That’s a HUGE responsibility, twice a child -once a man/woman. They sometimes revert back to childhood and as we already know a lot of parents shouldn’t be parents and didn’t logically think about kids yet still had them and probably ruined their children. So the same is true as the adult child, don’t take on something you are not prepared for. Don’t do it for ANYONE’S approval. Don’t do it because you feel bad and think you’re a horrible person if you don’t assist. Only do it if you are prepared mentally, physically, spiritually, financially able to do so. Luckily my dad was just getting weaker, he was still in his right frame of mind so it wasn’t hard for me. And I enjoyed just hanging around with him and talking during his last few years here on Earth. Lastly, why ask if there’s a support group? Create your own support groups, many people are in this situation with their boomer parents.
I understand the first lady's ordeal. I'm with you kiddo. I'm bipolar and this situation fell into my lap and it is soooo stressful. I have 3 older brothers that won't lift a damn finger to help me, because they have wives and kids. I'm at the doctors with my mom, I'm at the hospital with my mom, I take care of her because they can't find the time. I feel bad for my mom because she wants to know why they won't visit. What do I tell her ?
Tell her she is not a priority for them because if she was, they C would make the time to see her if they cared. They’ll come when they get the death call, maybe.
Your brothers won't lift a finger to help their wives either, it has nothing to do with them having their "own families," they're male - that's the only difference. Tell your mom the truth, your brothers don't give af about women and when women won't take care of their man-child aces, they disappear.
I'm childfree, and I've already informed my mother that i will not be taking care of her when she gets old. She sometimes still gets mad at me for it, but at the same time, she says she's scared of what will happen to her under my care. I told her it wouldn't be good so all us siblings will have to just pitch in for a personal nurse or my older sister will be her caretaker
@IndiTol-pk9clexactly! I don’t get it. I almost lost my job in healthcare a few years ago when my mom got sick. She had heart surgery and had urology issues. I was at every appt every time using all my connections to get her the best care!
I'm the youngest and I'm my mother's caregiver and my dad's POA. He lives in a nursing facility. Why is it always the youngest that's forced to take on these responsibilities? I have one 17 yr son that helps me but I don't want to deny him of his teenage years so I don't ask him to do much. There's appointments, keeping up with meds, eating right, keeping temp in the house comfortable etc. My mom is 82 and I love her, just saying it's a lot of work. Oh and I have no dating life. 🙃
I'm the youngest and my mothers primary caregiver as well, my brother helps when hes not working. The oldest gets selfish because they feel like they have always been the caretaker growing up, so they think it's on the younger siblings. I think it should be on all the siblings. Everyone has a life to live!
Yes. So i am teaching my dad skills he did not teach me. How to nourish yourself, how to find your joy, organization skills, the world of therapy, checking him about his friends. Had to tell him today he was being childish and irresponsible because HE got pulled over and ended up in the jailhouse. Lol. All in all, as much as I could fight him and that att-i-tude, i absolutely wouldnt change it. The wisdom of this experience, learning my boundaries, teaching him boundaries, respect... One good wrong move, and love can be a fond memory. Value, appreciation -- honey I'm giving this man the life gems 💎. I honor this moment. Ill have no regrets.
My parents actually have a savings for when their older and want to get placed in a good nursing home. It just hurts bc I don’t want to think of my parents ever getting old 😢 but I do appreciate them for actually caring and understanding that their kids have a life to live as well, but I also know my mother has done this bc she’s been taking care of my grandmother for majority of her life. And she doesn’t want to put that pressure onto her kids, and my father has also been helping for as long as they’ve been together. My grandmother doesn’t want to help herself bc she knows my mother will take care of her. It’s not fair, my mother is still young and has a life to live but she feels so obligated.
@@jenealeverett2269 Everyone’s childhood isn’t the same. Some people can’t wait to get away. Plus we need to keep in mind parents did what they’re supposed to do and while that deserves love honor. It doesn’t have to be reciprocated
Boomers were also referred to as the sandwich generation because they were the first generation to provide care of both their kids and their parents at the same time.
I am literally paying for everything for years. Breadwinner alone😥 I am single coz of this. Zero money to buy my own house coz my money takes care of everything else. Plus am an only child. I am at it alone.
I'm an only child too, taking care of my mentally disabled mom since dad died twenty five years ago. She can no longer walk for the past few years so completely depends on me. I used to work outside the house but now am her paid caregiver. I hope you can get in touch with some resources that can help make it easier for you, and get your house someday.
Y'all noticed the pattered here though right? Most of these were women of color! I use to work in memory care facilitates for patients with dementia and the amount of folks that just stuck their parents in there; was really sad! It speaks volumes because the kids would live in the same city and never come visit their folks. I feel like it is expected of "us" more? IDK I had always wondered about his but am happy people are talking about how they cope with taking care of their parents, because trust me; CNA's don't get paid enough for what they do!
I and my brother, care for our mom.I agree its hard ,but to me its to be expected.I knew at a young age I would be the main caretaker. She took very good care of us,and I love her.Of course I will take care of her.Yes,its a sacrifice and some days I wish it would end soon.But,thats not under my control,and she made sacrifices in raising me.I am grateful. ❤
It's stressful because atleast with children you can put your foot down....raising parents is like parenting toddlers with driving licenses and the ability to send their entire social security checks to the other siblings who don't give af.
Let’s also talk about how they put so much responsibility on the youngest. I’m reading these comments and wow, the other siblings don’t help out much and bc they’re more likely to get married/ have kids first - they believe that they don’t have to help out bc the youngest sibling is child free! It’s not fair. Stop putting so much responsibility on the youngest.
Exactly. Let's say the youngest are more typically millennials (at the time of writing this, they'd be between the ages of 28-43). That's majority of their prime years. How are they meant to build careers and start their own families to get to the point where their older siblings are in life if they are made to be the primary carer of their parents? If the parent(s) need care until said millennial is 45-50+, then their prime years would have been made to go to waste. In these situations, there needs to be a family discussion about *equal* responsibilities. If the older siblings refuse this (on the basis that they have spouses and kids), then the youngest should move far away, and visit one weekend a month. That way, the older siblings would be forced to pull their weight
This is a real topic and it can really affect your relationships. If you can have a plan in place and make sure to communicate needs with siblings (if you have them).
Can't slap your parents though, cant threaten time out, cant take away toys if they dont behave are argumentative, combative, not taking their medicine...if theyre forgetful doesnt make sense to get upset like they did with us. Its actually beyond parenting its so much worse...u dont get to see them grow up...the end is ...the end
Well, I'm married with 4 children and a full-time job. Sh*t is hard and takes a huge toll on me. I don't have much time with my parents, and that's what I keep reminding myself.
I think this is the time to interview your parents and really get to know them because they wont be here much longer. There may be several things you dont know about their lives and who they are that will shock you and it may help you heal or see this time very different. A lot yall don't know that your parents get treated like shit in those assisted living facilities. There is sexual assault and many different things that go on that gets severely under reported because they are elderly.
I never want to burden my children… I’ve always thought I’d go into a home.. It’s the elder abuse I’m worried about.. If your parents go into a home, plz make sure to visit them.. Those caregivers won’t abuse elders that have family to visit..
I think the difference lies in the condition of the parent. I cared for my parents because, while they got ill, they were fully functioning mentally. The limitations were more physical. However, if the parent has Dementia, Alzheimer, etc., then raising would be an appropriate term as they need to be re-taught, watched, and more. I've seen that. I didn't deal with that, but my cousin did. It is NO joke.
As a parent of grown children I don’t want or expect them to take care of me. And I’m hoping and praying that will never have to be the case or will ever have that happen. For some of y’all maybe now you know what it was like raising and taking care of you when you were children and in some cases still as you are adults. It wasn’t always easy but we did it out of love and compassion and a ton of patience. Because you are our children and we love you and would do anything for you. Think about that. Just sayin’….
How are you raising your parents when they’re already raised you mean taking care of your old aging parents that’s not raising them what is wrong with these young people these days don’t worry you’ll turn is coming
OK, going to comment this again: I think the difference lies in the condition of the parent. I cared for my parents because, while they got ill, they were fully functioning mentally. The limitations were more physical. However, if the parent has Dementia, Alzheimer, etc., then raising would be an appropriate term as they need to be re-taught, watched, and more. I've seen that. I didn't deal with that, but my cousin did. It is NO joke.
Well that's what they did to US, so what you don't think that the same energy should be RETURNED TO SENDER? Sounds like you're a delulu airhead, simplystewpid.
@@alee111 And yet, this is what caregivers attempt. My comment was from their standpoint...they attempt to re-teach. Whether they are successful or not was not my point. Semantics.
