Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge reviewed by Mark Kermode 

"Did they ever find the Trumpet of Poseidon?" I died. Oh Simon, bless your little heart.

When the Orloondo Bland gag is in the first two seconds 👍

The best thing about every Pirates movie is a review courtesy of Mark Kermode.

You know it's a good Kermode review when it's almost 10 minutes.

The Carry On or Pirates game is perhaps the greatest ever moment of radio film criticism.

"On the one hand you have some spirited performances, on the other hand, you have Johnny Depp" Gold, Kermode. Gold.

Why is it changed from Dead Men Tell No Tales to Salazar's Revenge? The former is a pirate saying but the latter is just going to get people thinking it's the revenge of the late Portuguese dictator or something.

Please make more Pirates movies, so we get more Kermode reviews of the Pirates movies. They are the best thing in life.

Mark angrily yelling lines from Carry On is the best thing I’ve seen today.

I have been waiting all year for this. Grab your popcorn and turn your speakers to 11 people.

In the Pirates films, you don't jump the shark. The shark jumps you.

Sometimes when I'm bored I seek out Kermode reviews like this. So damn entertaining...

HERE WE GO!

Of course, Salazaar is defeated at the end I presume. Therefore, does he actually get his revenge? Is the movie just one big lie? I can't take this false marketing anymore.

In the US this movie was titled "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales", but apparently in Great Britain it's called "Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazaar's Revenge". Funny how some Hollywood films tend to get re-titled for UK release; like how "Encino Man" became "California Man", "Saving Silverman" became "Evil Woman", and the 4th Die Hard movie "Live Free or Die Hard" became "Die Hard 4.0".

What sort of Englishman calls a pair of trousers , pants ?

"Charlie Humdrum" slayed me.

The law of diminished returns does not apply to a Kermodean Rant. Thank you for already making my weekend.

been waiting for this review for so long

I'm just amazed Simon is in a t-shirt and Mark is in a full suit. It was a hot day today.

I was laid-up in the hospital recently for eight days recovering from a Crohn’s flare. The hospital had a movie channel where they played big budget movies from the last three or four years. I watched the last hour of this film out of curiosity (hadn’t seen a Pirates film since the second one) and it was just terrible. Most of what I witnessed was the characters standing around the deck and lifelessly explaining the plot to each other. I would rather prep for another colonoscopy than sit through that again.

"So when we first meet him this time he is literally flailing his arms around, waving his fingers.." 😄😄

That hand gesture at 4:50 summarizes Mark's opinion pretty well.

The film was underwhelming at best, but why is nobody talking about how stellar Captain Salazar was? I thought Javier Bardem exceeded everyone's expectations.

You have zombie franchises, you have shark jumps, and then you have zombie shark jumps

It's funny that Mark said he struggled to stay awake. I've only ever fell asleep in a cinema one time and it was this film

In his At World's End, Mark said he'd marry Orlando Bland if he doesn't have to seem him again for 10 years and then one day ever subsequent 10 years. And now 10 years later he is seeing an another Pirates movie with Orlando Bland in it!

Tough but fair. He'll never be a Pirates fan, then.

I love how Mark's quiz voice sounds like Malcolm McDowell, when he's on the mend in A Clockwork Orange.

I thought the "horologist" joke was funny. ;-)

The script of 'Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge' is so incoherent that it quickly becomes inconsequential. The humour is tame and weak to the point of me raising my eyebrows and thinking, 'really?'. The acting is on par with a community hall farce. It should have been light-hearted fun, but it just bored the life out of me. I just didn't care. I fell off to sleep at one point, and was sadly nudged awake after about ten minutes, but at least it meant that I didn't waste all of the two hours plus before it finally came to an end. 1/5

The original three weren't especially great, though I do have a soft spot for the first two, but they had scope. This looks bland both in acting and visuals, like most blockbusters these days and feels just another chapter in a series of films. Stand alone episodes of a TV - series with no conclusion in sight. To me each instalmment in a film series should feel complete with good arcs for characters and satisfying conclusions (Mad Max), or really build to something bigger and then stop (like Lotr). Pirates began as a stand alone, grew into a trilogy and now that the trilogy is over, it still just keeps on going. I hope Disney will let it die after this one.

The first one was such a pleasant surprise, and since then it's just been lame sequel after lame sequel.

Does anyone remember what review Mark mentioned he told a director "Just because you made the film doesn't mean you understand it."?

These Pirates reviews are always pure gold

Mark totally turned into Peter O'Hanrahahanrahan from The Day Today during his little test 😅

I wonder does Mark have a choice in which films he sees or is he assigned to them? Because when he loves a film you can hear and see the passion and excitement he has in talking about it, but when he hates it the exhaustion and frustration in his voice and body language is equally evident. It must be torturous for him to have to sit through a film he despises and still be objective about it.

A Friday afternoon treat! Cheers Kermayo!

I can't believe they are still making these films.

0:53 "already...I dont care..." hahaha. That sums it up..

I loved the first three, my kind of hammy nonsense. Still don't know what people have against the 2nd and 3rd ones. But after that they seemed to just not have any oomph any more... especially from Depp. Nor really, any ideas to play with. I'd call the 4th one the worst, but it seemed like it was trying, and the 5th one notsomuch. I'm honestly happy considering it a trilogy and ignoring that they did more. If they were gonna follow up, what they should've done was concentrate on someone other than Sparrow, maybe even not have him in it. There were still decent characters they could've gone on a few enjoyable romps with, minus that feeling of tired routine. They got rid of some of the most integral characters to the feel of it just because they weren't the main ones, and kept around the one that made it feel least fresh just because he was. That's not how you do it.

I saw Mark on Monday at his monthly live in 3d show at the bfi. at one point he had the poster of this film behind and he said 'I watch them so you don't have to'

So much for him being in Cannes affecting his view of the last one! BTW - It's 'ORLOOMDO Bland' he says, not Orloondo.

'Somebody else is trying to find the thing that the other people are trying to do'. I love Kermode.

Thanks for saving my 10$, Mark. (Not that I was going to watch it anyway)

Well I love potc 5 and I think that the ending is fantastic, Im so happy that everyone got back together. I do agree that this is not the best potc movie but it is neither the worst. At the end after the credits there is a scene where you have the evidence that there might very well be a potc 6 movie.

Johnny Depp is actually a pretty good actor and I liked his Jack Sparrow character to start of with in the first film. Its seems to have gone down hill since.

I exclaimed "oh Jesus" at the words "zombie sharks"

I've been looking forward to this ever since I saw the 'At World's End' review

The Trident of Poseidon holds the brew which is true.

Why is the kid in the clip looking for Jack Sparrow in a cell if he's not supposed to be in a cell. He expects him to have a ship after being arrested?

"On the one hand you have some spirited performances ... on the other hand we have Johnny Depp."

That guy's rant on how disappointing Jack Sparrow is upon finding him was the highlight of the movie.

Barbossa is the only character who evolves in these movies. I feel bad watching Geoffrey Rush trying to hold these films up while Depp bumbles around repetitively.

Really love their chemistry in this review.

The trident of Poseidon is a good name for a band - Simon Pegg needs to write that down.

Kermode and Mayos level of rapport in this clip is what everything right in our world.

Could we get Mark to do the other Pirates series ? Especially Pirates II Stagnetti's Revenge which is often overlooked.

Johnny Depp is insulting Australia yet again, this time with his accent rather than dogs

" is looking to kill every pirate at see" you mean sea?

They filmed it in Australia, maybe that explains the accent.

I waited for this!!!!!!

Watched it yesterday and I couldn't wait for it to end, Jonny Deep is basically playing a parody of his original character, the only one that I watched, just avoid this one. Mark is obviously more annoyed with this one than I am, if you wanna watch a good pirate story check out the show Black Sails and don't waste your time with this one.

"do we ever find the trumpet of poseidon?" o i am laffin

Can't wait for his reaction to Transformers 5.

pooly pooly gooly gooly in the booly

Classic Kermode

Javier Bardem made a decent bad guy but Kaya Scodelario was by far the best thing about this film. It's a shame they've already cast Lara Croft..

"Pirates of the Carry on up the Salazar"

"The Trumpet of Poseidon" LMAO That means no one cares about the damn McGuffin because it's nothing remarkable in the least.

This is a hilarious review, probably funnier than the film itself. I stopped watching after two movies. I'm not even sure why I watched the second as I didn't think the first was that great.

Johnny Depp - I don't think hes acting anymore.

Surely the Trident of Poseidon is in the same cupboard with the Chalice from the Palace and the Flagon with the Dragon?

9:26 "This is going to Carry On..."

Well, I enjoyed the hell out of this. Seeing it again.

Good review

Bring on the fan trailers for The Trumpet of Poseidon!

I need to watch Carry on Columbus now.

I can't wait for his Transformers review in a few weeks.

Ashamed to say I didn't get the horologist (sp?) joke. Can someone help me out :)

Need my drug, need a Kermode rant about POTC

The trumpet of Poseidon

Yeah..... but did Mark like the film?

Can't wait to see their reaction to the new Transformers

THIS is why I love *Marvel* movies so much --it's not easy to make so-called "genre films". Hell, I read a critic compare _Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2_ with the new _Aliens_ movie and argued that the Marvel movie was actually the better Sci-fi film of the two.

Fabulous!

"Basil Imposition" :D :D :D

The trumpet of Poseidon sounds like a mushroom.

agreed 100%

More films = more Kermodian rants, so yes please!

oh boy... I've been waiting for this one.

I found all of the "Pirates..." movies underwhelming. All of them have too many characters, too many plots/sub-plots, and much too busy much of the time. Swashbucklers are supposed to be fun, pirates can be scary and fun. I found the majority of the time, I didn't even know (or eventually care) what was going on. Turgid.

Trident of Poseidon? We already got one.

The guess the movie bit they did was undermined somewhat by Mark's apparent inability to get through it without stumbling.

Do we have a nickname for Kermode fans to call ourselves like Beliebers or Directioners? Can we submit suggestions? Keromodinators? The Kermode-tion?

I am a major Pirates fan and have been since I was about ten years old, I went to see this is cinema today with high expectations and left so disappointed I cannot put it into words. I regret to say I agree with pretty much everything Mark has said about the film - I even left during the climatic scene to pee and I never usually do that in cinemas for fear of missing out on good parts. Try harder Disney.

Is it not called Dead Men Tell No Tales?

Ooorlando Bland LOL :))

I've been waiting for this delight (the rant obviously...the movie is merely a vehicle for that). Why did the movie get called Salazar's Revenge in the U.K.? That seems like an odd choice.

2:38 'Trousers!' get it right! ffs.