Psychiatrist's Guide to Conversation | Healthy Gamer Webinar #7 

0:00 Why Extended Periods of Time With People Leads to Straining Your Relationship 6:00 How Do We Improve Communication? 12:00 Reflective Listening (Talking like an NPC) 16:00 How Do You Convince Someone That You Understand Them? 21:00 How to Speak Effectively 38:50 Summary

"My first girlfriend turned into the moon" "That's rough buddy" Unironic good communication

This is like a Khan Academy lesson on human interaction, I love it

Never really thought of how trying to comfort someone by disagreeing with their self destructive thoughts doesn't actually help them without first acknowledging them. This is really helpful.

Dr. K is really just giving us all the cheat codes for life

Quick note: it helps to ask "Am I making sense?" instead of "Does that make sense?". The difference is subtle, but it seems to help when someone is on the defensive.

I feel like this channel is like the guide to life, but when i was born i skipped the tutorial. This is me coming back to the tutorial.

This made me realize that I may have been trying to do too much problem solving when I talk to my friends. The more I reflect on these conversations the more I realize I have probably been taking the wrong approach when people try to talk to me

Person A: You aren't listening to me! Person B: How so? Let's talk about that. Person A: **confused** _You weren't supposed to say that._

The best note in this webinar is: 1) reflect 2) reflect 3) reflect 4) summarize 5) inquire(are you willing to go down a path with me?) Just as well, the Q&A question: start with people who are easier to practice this on, and that this technique actually takes multiple instances to work. I was lucky enough for it to work the first time I tried it after this lecture. I'd say I'm at like Level 1 of using this technique. To me, it's like you keep breaking down the pieces of information over and over again until you get a really really small piece. I didn't stop reflecting until I got someone to responding with simple, "yes." Or "no" answers. It's like, chewing your food really slowly?(I can relate to this because I shove way too much food down my throat neglecting to chew it) It was such a struggle, but it wasn't tiring and I felt like wtf this is such a natural way to communicate and I haven't consciously been doing it all my life. Another fun thing to do is take note of the thing you'd normally say, and think about what kind of response it is. (Opinion, sympathizing, problem solving) Ty Dr. K literally buffing my life.

This should definitely be a standardized video that everyone has to watch when coming out of the womb

Thought this was gonna help me talk to girls. Now I can listen to the problems they're having with their boyfriend.

"I don't think you guys get it, it's actually hurting" "Oh you mean it's hurting" "Yes." "No but we love you" "Ok fuck let's try this again" And they're like "okay" How is this so perfect

⚠Gentle PSA⚠ It's great to learn and apply these communication skills, but please remember to take care of yourself emotionally too. Being a good listener is very emotionally draining, even in the best case scenario because most people don't know how to listen. It's a skill you have to learn. So make sure you also have someone in your life who is a good listener FOR YOU. Reciprocation is so vital, otherwise you will experience emotional burn out and growing resentment in your relationships where you feel like you are always giving, but never receiving the same consideration in return. Sometimes it's good to take a backseat and nurture your relationships by listening and allowing your family and friends to talk. But you deserve to be heard and validated too. And if you notice there's someone in your life who always makes you feel seen and heard, try returning the favor. Ask them about themselves and really listen. They will appreciate it more than you know and you will protect a worthwhile relationship. Good luck everyone💚

I used this method on my boss (in a cafe) who would regularly upset me to the degree I had to go out back, take a few minutes and ball my eyes out. By constantly insisting that I thought she was a good person and that it was our communication that was the problem, I was able to get her to the end game of "so yeah it sounds like you really don't care whether you go about hurting other people and impacting their lives in a negative way", which in my case was when she said "No no no you must understand" for the 10th time, and I replied with "Yes I do understand your point, I've been constantly saying it back to you in my own words to check that we're on the same page here, but you consistently deny every point I make and it seems like you're not interested in anything I have to say. But that's ok! I can work around that, but please understand that I'm going to be crying almost every day and will need a few minutes off to go compose myself, which is very inefficient (Efficiency being her main reason for why she would talk so rudely to me, but like an unreasonable amount of rudeness, and sometimes she'd actually go on for like 10 minutes just berating me in the hopes that after said beratement I would be more efficient). I apologise for talking about this and I will never bring up my emotions with you again. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go cry, I'll be back in a few minutes." I thought I lost this and I thought the price would be my job. Within half an hour she was giving me some delicious snacks that she keeps for staff and asked me if I had any pets and we had the first wholesome, non work related conversation in the 6ish days I'd been working there. She's not an awful person but had some... possibly culturally inherited views on the acceptability of treating her employees however she likes. Because I stayed calm the whole time, constantly assured her that she was a nice person and that we could work through this on the same team, and followed her logic to her natural conclusion of utter callousness, I exposed enough cognitive dissonance between her actions and her usually bubbly personality (when customers are around at least), that even though she never admitted I was right, she changed her behaviour and started being kind to me, which is all I wanted.

Imagine what an healthy individual you would become if doctor k was your parent. The little one really hit the lottery there.

This sounds like an awesome method for getting better at communication. Can you tell me more?

The drawings of the conversation paths helped a lot.

I watched half of the video, applied it to my normal conversation, people told me that they have had a really deep talk with me. This 110% work. Now I'm back to watch the other half

I was battling intense self hatred for years, and everybody(including mental health professionals) just wrote it off by saying "Nah, you're fine, you're smart, you're funny, you just have such low self-esteem." So I just went on and solved all of my problems "on my own", with circles of people who actually listen. This is immensely important information for proper human socialization.

Communication has literally been the only problem I’ve had with my girlfriend and it’s been ruining our otherwise healthy relationship. She always feels like I don’t understand her because I don’t follow the steps that you’ve provided, and go straight to defending myself or telling my point of view. If I can watch this video often and implement it I genuinely feel like I’m going to be in the best relationship ever, thank you Dr.K

My summary: spending extended periods of time with certain people leads to a straining of your relationship there is a buildup of "something" (usually some degree of emotion) 2 topics in the vid: -how to effectively listen -how to effectively speak --you need to know what you are talking about --you need to know how to convey the msg in a non-judgemental way eg) if someone is annoying, instead of pointing out that they are annoying, point out what specifically is annoying a lot of effective communication is knowing what you are feeling communication has nothing to do with right or wrong how does communication normally work? person a speaks, person b speaks, person a speaks, and so on communication is waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can say what you want example in vid how to improve communication? person a says something, person b says the same, person a says something else, and so on you don't get to share your opinion you are trying to listen, not speak effective communication doesn't involve a conversation effective communication involves one person speaking, and the other person reflecting 2 techniques to effectively listen: -reflective listening (repeating back their words) (bruh apparently for 10-15 min) -validation --after the techniques comes inquiry (techniques are followed by inquiry) you want to avoid: -your opinion -problem solving -sympathizing (leads to oneupmanship) -reflective listening talk like an NPC person a says something, person b says the same, person a says something else, and so on without reflective listening both of you would talk past each other, and you wouldn't actually understand the other person eventually you can put in a suggestion, and they would naturally follow the conversation in that way increases your understanding of their viewpoint how to convince someone that you understand them? reflective listening convinces them you understand don't attack their viewpoint when you attack someone's viewpoint, if makes them defensive and they don't pay attention to your points -how to effectively speak in the beginning it will be difficult as you aren't used to talking like this understand yourself (related example, and another example later on) an emotion is there understand where the emotion comes from --start with their viewpoint --if the conversation is "splitting", summarize their viewpoints, say your part, then ask what they think --after listening to (following) the other person for a while, you can start to give your own opinion ----if they give their opinion, then you're back at the beginning and you have to listen to (follow) them again ----if they follow you (if they understand you), then you can start giving your opinion --you need to keep following them and giving your point until they understand you overall: -reflect (a lot) -summarize their point -inquire (are you willing to follow me?) --if yes, make your point, then ask them to summarize your point to make sure they understand -if they don't understand, restart

31:35 Dr K: This is what effective communication is going to look like Screen: sprawling scribbles

The black man that convinced kkk members to leave the klan was Daryl Davis.

one thing i like about Dr. K is whenever his daughter (?) enters the room he doesn't get angry and tells her to leave because he's streaming or doing something important

The "ask them what they think" part really speaks to me. I find communication often frustrating especially with my parents, even though I find myself reflecting and agreeing with them, while suggesting my own points along the way. But I never ask them what they think or 'do they understand' explicitly, so this could help. Thanks.

It’s so funny because most of these sound so awkward and almost “patronizing” as many people would say But it’s actually called therapeutic communication and it WORKS.

Thank you for these tips ~be a good listner ( understand them , dont put opinion , solve problem or sympathize, Just hear - react - ask question - to understand then summarize their point to make them feel understood and heard ) Communication happens when you are on the same page And they are much more likely to listen to you when they will feel understood ( and even if they dont listen to you, no problem cause you gave someone a gift of being heard which is extremly valuable in todays world ) And best way to become interesting is by being interested in others :) Also :--- Reflect reflect reflect summarize enquiry your perspective ask question to them ( for clearity ) Valuable points , again a big thanks Dr K❤ for these insights GRATEFUL !!🙌

Hey guys there may be some desync from the program we were using. I tried to fix it but may have m missed some spots. Mental Health Bootcamp moving to Twitch, same time 9 AM CDT!

I think I have done the reflective conversation thing without noticing sometimes and afterwards I felt great, I felt like a really great conversation where both sides understood each other. Then there are other conversations that just felt bad, like we were just monologuing at each other and no one took anything from that. I guess now I know why some conversations I had in the past felt very bad and some really good.

I eventually stopped initiating conversations with people that would never initiate any themselves. This has turned my life into many quiet nights, but it's just better than trying too hard to be liked...

Wow. This is the best thing I’ve ever heard about communication in my life. I’ve been struggling lately because I’ve always been told I’m a great communicator, but it’s also come up that I go too far on my own shit. If I’m revved up, I’ll just try to relate and sympathize too much, or help too much, etc. and I go too far and too fast. Listening is what I suck at. And my partner is the opposite. This is helping a ton. Thank you!!

I find myself doing a lot of the things naturally mentioned in the video when it comes to friends. However, when it came to the point about concerned family inquiring about your livelihood, that really struck a chord for me. I feel *shame* when they ask about something and I have nothing to show for it, which really makes me want to shut away from them and isolate, causing them to become more concerned; triggering this cycle of avoidance. Thanks for this, I'm actually going to communicate this to them.

what i learned from this video: speaking effectively is REALLY counter-intuitive.

I'm a psych phd student; I just learned about self-verification theory and am excited to recognize it in what you're saying in various videos. Love your videos! Very engaging and love how you explain things.

This man blows my mind. I'm becoming such a better person listening to him. I have felt like I can't communicate with anyone for so long. This video has helped me realize what I was doing wrong so much. Damn...

I don’t think I’ve ever had someone do this with me outside of therapy. I never even imagined sympathizing was an impediment to listening… but now that I think about it, I’ve alienated a lot of people by doing that any time anyone talks about their emotions.

Listening to this made me reflect back on different discusions I had with my relatives and friends: why I felt understood, what I could've said/done better, how I can support them. Sometimes I applied this "technique" without even knowing. It's fascinating. I'll try to do train that skill from now on. Thank you Dr. K!

This is actually a lot like meditation works. The way you talk to yourself while meditating is sort of like that. Acknowledge the thought or feeling -> Inquire -> Try to let go of the thought / go somewhere else -> repeat

Thank you for this video, Dr. K. I've always highly empathetic and sensitive, yet have always struggled to show people I care and want to listen to them since I would not know what to say to keep the conversation going, or I'd jump too quickly into giving advice. I was almost diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum when I was a child (but wasn't, most likely due to autism being "for boys" back then), and have always struggled with social cues and conversation-keeping. Breaking it down as a simple pattern and process really helps!

"From my point of view the Jedi are evil!" "So it sounds to me that, from how you see things, the Jedi are actually the bad guys. Let's talk about that."

Subbed because of this video. The peace of mind I attained from watching this exceeds any I've felt this year. I feel like I know what's caused my anxiety of communicating and I'm not longer worried about it. This video perfectly lays out the main essentials to conversation in the simplest way possible. Before I finished watching the video I heard a knock on my door. Not expecting anyone I looked out the peephole and saw a man in a suit. I somewhat panicked when I opened the door and his African accent didn't help me listen, but I remembered what I was just watching and all the anxiety washed away. He didn't explain very well what his business was, so I followed what he gave me until I understood that he was trying to return a wallet to someone must have lived here. After helping him find the next step, I felt a sense of enthusiasm from helping a good samaritan and not being jarred by someone randomly asking me questions on my doorstep. Thanks for giving me my confidence back. 🙏

This is so informative but so difficult to do, I'm always trying to problem solve and offer suggestions, it's so difficult for me to just sit back and let the other person wallow in pity without offering advice, really need to start doing it though cause he's right about it being less effective to do it my way.

I already see how monday is gonna be like, probably something like this: Coworker: "hey can i borrow a lighter" Me: "woow, that sucks, can you tell me more?

This is probably one of the most valuable RU-vid videos I have ever watched.

Thanks. I just realized these are the exact techniques I used to make my best friend and I forgot how to use them because I thought I outgrew them, but in reality they are perfect for taking to people you don't know well, while some of the "bad" techniques are still effective with people you know and who know you really well because you can believe in each other and make leaps in logic together and arrive on the same square. It's all about presenting yourself as being on the same page as the person you're talking with, regardless of how much you know, because you could always be wrong, staying close to what other people say brings you closer together, until you build the bonds to stand apart and still understand.

Jeez man, you really are helping a ton of people with these vids. lots of us need this kind of advice in our relationships.

As a psychology student I'm very very grateful for this video because that was really making me anxious, like, what gives if I do know all the theory, I master each pass and stage of therapy but I'm not good at making others understand what I have learned in the college u know? Now I feel I can deal much better with that future job. Thank you and I'm gonna try to train that kind of conversation with my friends ^^

I'm not kidding when I say this, I had watched half the video. And the rest was remaining. A newly formed acquaintance shared some relationship issues with me. I had a conversation with her. By the end she told me "I've head friends for years and I've talked to them about this too. But somehow I feel good after I talk to you" I just followed some of the advices of this video, half watched by the time that conversation took place, subconsciously.

Thanks, this was great. I found the visualizations really helpful. Specifically, showing the conversation spatially with the two diverging or “course correcting” lines. Seeing that, I imagine watching two people walking together having a conversation, from above. If they’re not side-by-side, or trying to get back to being side-by-side, so they can actually hear each other. Then they’re just shouting at each other from ever increasing distance, and not able to even hear a response.

13:52 just in case anybody's interested, he was speaking about Daryl D. Davis. He's also got a brilliant TED Talks, too

Are you kidding me, this is ridiculously helpful I can't believe this isn't something everyone is taught.

Exactly the type of video i needed in my life right now. Thank you.

"... and then they're like 'oh no but we love you', and then you're like 'oh no fk' " 31:20

It was life-changing for me to realize that disagreeing with someone having negative thoughts ISN’T A POSITIVE INTERACTION. To be fair, though, a negative number times and positive number equals a negative. A negative times and negative equals a positive. I don’t… know exactly how I’m going to get from there to Reflective Listening, but I M sure there’s something there, for the more mathematically inclined than I am.

Feels like info I need to be paying for, thanks for doing this free of cost.

paraphrasing from 37:50 "So it sounds like you're saying that generally speaking, the opinions of some people, or their experience of life, is completely irrelevant to you. Am I getting that right?" Just had to type it out and look at it

I have been looking for this video for years. It helped me to break it down visually and make more sense. I wasn't understanding how my conversations were falling apart. The visual part really hit it home. Thank you so much Dr. K and team ! Much appreciation. Forty and learning the art of conversation it's about time ! And never too old ! Thank u !

this feels like a bloody cheat code. Thanks, I hope I don't forget this anytime soon. I feel like I can already utilize it

The visual representation of the conversation really helped me understand the concept. Stick with them.

I am currently having alot of trouble writing my thesis due to mental blocks and this video and the video about suppressing emotions is so mindblowlingly helpful to me. Thank you for everything what you do.

I wish I had anyone in my life that used this method of communication toward me. Every single person responds with sympathy, which is good, I get where it's coming from, but for just fucking once, I would love to talk about myself and my problems instead of everyone else's. I never, ever talk about myself to anyone except my coach because of this very thing. It feels like no one gives a crap about me when I try to speak up. It also sucks to realize how long I had been doing the same thing. I've improved a lot over this past year, but still have a long way to go.

Dr. K is essentially breaking down the tenets of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). In a very digestible and palatable way no less. Thank you Dr. K for yet another great video in the library! I thoroughly enjoyed your presentation on this topic.

This may be one of the best, most humbling, most helpful videos i have ever watched. Thank you.

31:16 "Yes, that is exactly correct." And then they're like, "oh no, but, like, we love you." And then you're like, "no, fuck!" i fucking lost it lmao

DR K. Ive needed this video my whole life. Listening. Ive never listened. Just the visual was what I needed.

Thank you, this truly has been really helpful to better my relationship with the person that I love. I'm really glad you exist, I wouldn't even know where to begin to improve, some days I'll feel really lost and stumped, but this really helped me get my head in a better place.

Wife: Do I look fat in this dress? Me: Let’s talk about it

OK I didn't expect this video to make me feel better about myself. I can listen well, but suck at expressing who I am. Also explains so perfectly why it can feel so deeply lonely when people don't truly listen and just want to brag or fish for compliments.

I liked having the questions included in the video.

Yeah so this method works, I've been told im a good listener, but when the other person doesn't listen to you after reflecting on them for a while, it requires a lot of patience, I simply can't keep it up forever without emotions slowly taking hold of my clarity over the conversation. Do you have tips on how to maintain patience in a conversation?

One of my favorite phrases for smaller scale conversations is "do you know what I mean?" instead of asking them to summarize. It's a genuine question with an easy out. If they didn't listen the first time, they will probably listen the second time as it leaves little to perception in that you're pushing something on them.

Something I struggle with a lot is what you called sympathizing. Someone will share something and my way of showing them I understand is by sharing an experience that I feel is similar. Some people have said that it can seem like I’m trying to one-up them. I’m not intending to do that. I have a hard time just conveying back what they are saying without examples.

I love to come back to this video any time I'm feeling isolated or anxious about an interview / date / etc to think about what I'm doing wrong in my interactions. Dr. K breaks conversation down into such a digestible manner.

I'm literally doing every single step wrong Thank you for the important upload

Recently a student of mine was complaining about something she was going through and I had to fight all my urges to problem solve on the spot. I literally followed your "script" to the letter and it led to a far more insightful and productive conversation that ended with "It felt like i was speaking to a therapist. Thank you, that helped" Really appreciative that i came across this video when i did. I'll put everything i learned here into my day to day to become more effective at really listening to people (3/4 of my work as a designer and a teacher is actually listening to people) Thanks Dr.k

Haven't watched the whole thing yet but it feels like there's a fine line between reflecting and agreeing/supporting/sympathizing with the other party.

everything made sense and resonated in me when you said "it's not about being right or wrong" it helped me realize things

I find it ridiculous that this isn't thought in schools

This is one of the most useful videos I’ve ever seen on RU-vid.

thanks for teaching me how i actually feel by using that "cant find a job" example. maybe now i can try to explain to my parents about it. :D

Every single time I watch a video of yours you teach me basic things about life that I didn't know that it seems like everyone else already had down. At best I was starting to stumble around the edges of these ideas, and then I find you just laying out all these things in a very simple way, clearly explaining things that I didn't know or understand that I desperately needed.

Would really appreciate a video on sleep/insomnia. Keep up the great work!

He really explained how to be a good communicator. He did it. It really makes sense.

Me: listens to the whole thing Also me after the video: forgets everything when communicating and just keeps quiet

this was the video i least expected to help me and helped me the most , aaah the wisdom is enlighting and liberating , love and connection and negative feelings are all returning in my live your videos are a treu insperition too me and helped me more than i can ever express

A friend just told me today that she feels lonely and I totally fucked up apparently ... Thanks for the video, this is a life changer for me.

For a job, I think it is helpful to be reminded about getting one. I think better though is creating a plan with deadlines to overcome the procrastinations (idealistic, avoidance, operational). Even better is also create a plan toward living the life one wants. Some job types can get them there much faster, including developing financial skill and stability.

i think you've perfectly illustrated the lessons from Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people"

Thank you!! I absolutely love this. I am a teacher & this will help me so much to better understand my students & where they are coming from & their viewpoints.

I just realized that a couple of my friendships that turned into romantic relationships had lots of conversations like these. It's kind of wild to think about it, but it makes a load of sense. Good videos as always! These really help me out. 💕

Drawing it out was soo helpful! I've had little bits of how to do this but actually seeing it really solidified a proper structure. Thanks!

damn, this is INCREDIBLY valuable.

hey drK, I just wanted to say that as someone with aspergers this video really helped me with unwritten rules that I know nothing about, thank you

I love Dr. K, but as an Asperger, I would say that most conversations are pure hypocrisy and this is a guide on how to be properly a hypocrite. I rather prefer honest people who say things how they are. If you want me to be FAKE in order to carry out a conversation I just prefer not to have the conversation. I remember my therapies, the psychiatrists and psychologists were always trying to teach me how to lie, how to be a hypocrite, how to understand indirects of people, etc. And I was always asking them if they are sure that Aspergers need therapy and not the neurotypical ones, because I do not understand why the minimum requirements to socialize is fakeness, hypocrisy, and dishonesty. With therapy, I learned how to socialize but I avoid it. I hate people and I do not want fake people around me.

HealthygamerGG is a good channel to understand and improve mental health

first 10 minutes of this was more insightful than a semester of comm 101

Chris Voss’ MasterClass on negotiation kind of goes over the same things. Mirroring, labeling, and asking calibrated questions to direct the conversation and let the other person feel heard. It’s really cool how universal these strategies can be.

Thank you for explaining this so clearly. I will apply this in my life and try to suck somewhat less at communicating

This should really be taught in schools at all ages and be a mandatory class. Learning even these basics and getting used to practicing them would solve so so many problems...