What if they think I'm Boring? 

this question gets asked so much but i never see the opposite: what if I think THEY’RE boring?

My biggest trap is assuming that no one is interested in what I have to talk about. And so I don’t. Trying to allow myself to be open to talking about stuff that interests me while maintaining awareness of how others respond

"If your goal is to have fun with people, you have to have fun yourself" -- Absolutely. this is the answer to so many of the social/dating questions I see on the HG subreddit. So many peeps are focused on orchestrating scenarios for the other person without even considering if they'll be having fun themselves. I'd rather hang with someone enthusiastic about dirt than someone who's bored at a club.

Almost everything my peers find "fun" I find boring and uninteresting, I used to force myself to go to such events but in the end I gave and exactly 3 ppl stuck with me and I'm grateful for that at least now I know who actually is there for me and for some mindless boring "fun"

"Why are you so quiet?" Why would you ask someone that, it's rude. You don't want to have someone asking you "Why do you talk so much", do you?

Truly not depending on others validation for your own self worth is irreplaceable. I spent my 20's learning to not be boring and engaging and i generally say it worked, i'm good at engaging with people, i can make them laugh, hold a conversation, maintain eye contact etc. and at least SEEM confident, but it can be very exhausting. Im too scared often to let myself just be - or even know how to do that, so i try and try and may not even deeply connect with anyone, but hey at least they dont think im shy and weird, and it can be rare to truly have fun speaking to someone. After interactions like these i need to retreat to my cave for a week to be on my own before i can do that again. This stops me from regularly seeing people to actually make friends, im afraid the mask will crack and i'll have nothing to say.

To quote the great Gianni: “why did they stop talking to me? Am I boring?” “Am I *Italian?”*

Dr. K talking to chat like they're a bunch of little kids: "What are you doing?" Me: *starts to smile and laugh.* The older I get the more I realize that adults need all the the things kids do, they just don't want to admit it.

"What if they think I'm boring?" I'd embrace my "boring"ness, one or two people will stick to me and find my "boring"ness fun and appreciate the same "boring" stuff I do eventually. The hard part is waiting.

This is so relevant to me because I feel exactly the same, that people only come to me for deep conversation or to feel heard. It’s how i made most of my friends. One friend in particular, i got really attached to her when we first started talking, because of how well we vibed, I guess. But as time passed, i started feeling stressed whenever she was around, because she once told me that I was an ‘introvert-style’ friend to her, that she’d never experienced that type of friendship before. Since she said that, our friendship became strained (at least on my end), cuz it felt like she’d told me i was only good for the deep stuff. And she had other friends for fun. I definitely withdrew a bit and stopped talking as much to her as i felt i was giving too much. Naturally, she got closer to other people in my friend group, the people to whom fun and ribbing each other come naturally. I started feeling even more alienated because i just couldn’t laugh when everyone around me seemed to be having the time of their lives. I’ve been getting better at relaxing in social situations, but sadly am still unable to reach that level of closeness with her, being one-on-one with feels like I’m being judged and compared to the fun friends and that makes me uncomfortable. Lol this got so long, but this video has given me a lot of clarity about what changed in our dynamic.

Absolutely agree on the side-point about how experience doesn't necessarily make a good doctor. I've regularly gone to the dentist all my life, but not until I got a new and inexperienced dentist did I actually get some very detailed advice on how to maintain my dental health. The older more experienced dentists just seemed to assume that stuff to be common knowledge, or they were just tired of educating people again and again after being active for so many years. It's all about how you apply yourself. As my sport nerd brother once told me, if you train yourself using the wrong technique, you're just going to get better at doing things wrong.

I'm just reminded of a meme where the person that says English is not his/her first language has the most eloquent vocabulary in an online forum

I've been watching a lot of Dr.k's videos over the past year and just got in a long term relationship with the help of following the advice and it's been working out so far beyond any of my expectations. Thanks Dr. K!

Big yes to the final point about stimulating conversations being easier when you don't share interests/knowledge. One of my best friends is someone who's hugely into history and religion, so when I first met him, he'd talk about that a lot, and I, being someone with only general knowledge about those subjects, found it immensely interesting. I had some decent knowledge about philosophy and ideology, though, so I were able to connect it with that and teach him some things in return. To this day, he's still one of my favourite people, partially because some of my fondest memories with him are drinking parties, just the two of us, talking about everything from working out, science, philosophy, religion, history, gaming, esotericism, music to pop culture, comic books, cooking and a bunch of other stuff for 8-10 hours straight. It's some of the most stimulating conversations I've ever had.

Yet another perfectly timed, perfectly related topic by Dr. K. Love this man, he's helped a lot!

Hopefully this will help some people… What’s hard about playing games for a long time and then trying to socialize more irl is that most people don’t give nearly as much of a shit about video games as you do. Not an insult just the truth. But what makes games so easy to talk about? Why is it easy to have “gamer friends” online? Simple answer, because you all share the experience of gaming together. It’s a common activity you all enjoy. Imagine if someone was in a community of people who only watch curling tournaments all day, and then you talk to them and they either only talk about curling or don’t say anything. Yeah…that wouldn’t be very interesting to you. Not to hate on curling, but if you mostly do and talk about one thing that most people don’t care about as much as you, that’s gonna be the result. Boring. It doesn’t mean YOU are boring as a person, it means you just need more stuff to talk about. So the short answer is you have to try other things that you can talk about with others. Maybe listen to a new album, try rock climbing, go on a road trip or something. Things you enjoy that you can also relate to others with. I’m not saying this to dunk on gamers. I’m only saying this because I went through it myself. Trust me it’s way easier to make friends and have things to talk about if you do so through a shared activity that you can relate to people with outside of your bubble. Good luck my friends.

I have trouble in this area for a few reasons: 1. People see me as lame/virgin. About 80% of conversations in the past has ended with people calling me “lame” or they ask if I’m a virgin. 2. I don’t feel good enough right now to be in “normal relationships.” Despite slowly working towards improvement I currently have nothing going for me. 3. I don’t feel like interacting most of the time. 4. If I do talk about something I’m interested in like philosophy I ramble and that annoys some people.

20:11 this is the impossibly difficult part for me, as somebody with adhd and probably asd. I don't have that magical ability to know what other people are thinking, I don't know the arcane language of tiny facial cues, I have a lot of trouble reading tone of voice.. I do my best to figure that stuff out, but it takes a huge amount of conscious effort and focus - effort and focus that now has to be split between what I'm talking about and trying to decipher the code of other people's reactions to what I'm talking about. The few times I risk talking about something that interests or excites me, I focus on what I'm saying too much and completely miss all the signs that everyone is just wishing I would shut my mouth already. The safest option always ends up being just shutting the hell up and letting other people talk, but then it's like what is even the point of me being present in the conversation when I'm not bringing anything of value to it aside from occasional "I'm listening" noises.

I have some personal experience I was with a group of people and just had a small relaxed smile I would barely speak but when I did I spoke in a calm soft voice butI rejected their drinks since I do not drink At the end I asked them if they had fun and I said "Im glad to hear that" They went and told everyone how its nice to be with me and how im not actually an ass since Im always quiet And whats more is when someone said something about me as in whats up with him they would answer them with hes a good dude hes just calm and mature

dr.k you're honestly such a fucking life saver, thank you. as someone who struggles with low self worth and confidence this really made me try and look at it differently and definetely helps. thank you dr. k!

It's easy to get fall into one of the extremes, which is being either completely self-absorbed, or focusing on others. It's because you fear being one extreme and overcompensate to the other. Eg. you fear that you are selfish, so you tug away all your feelings and only focus trying to make the other person have fun. The problem is that then you are only conforming to others and not really being yourself. The other possibility is that you never learned the social skill and have always been absorbed in your own world (and while it's unbalanced, it's not always bad). Or have some sort of history that creates an overwhelming need to assert yourself and your feelings. The most balanced way is to do both in a back and forth pattern. This gets into detail that's up to interpretation, but I'd say, you can't be simultaneously both outwardly attentive and self-absorbed very well, or it ends up awkward and hollow. A better way is to kind of oscillate between the states, like have a burst of self-indulgence and then giving the turn to the other "player". Depending on the situation, you don't have to have balanced turns. If the other player doesn't want to take the turn, you may continue taking turns, or you can give the other person most of the turns if it seems like they need it. In the long run, who takes the turns can define the relationship. It doesn't necessarily have to be perfectly balanced, but good rule of thumb is that you should at least try to have both to some capacity.

Thank you very much for this talk as it highlights the responsibility of yourself to any conversation, developing your skill and perspective to participate and insure mentally available to engage people in a both meaningful but also 'fun way'

I've literally been having this thought for the last few days, thank you so much!!

These videos always come at the PERFECT time for me to reflect on the mistakes I just made

I usually just put in practice the best advice I have ever received: "smile" :) And then go on from there, there's little to lose, just keep smiling.

The curse of being raised as the family Mascot: our job was to entertain in order to manage the emotions of the adults around us, not to have fun for ourselves... now we're not exactly sure what fun is...

My trick is: I just imagine that out of the perspective of a giant, everyone is just like a little chip munk. This perspective helps me reduce social anxiety because I feel like everything matters less (in a good way).

More often than not, if others think that you are boring, it is because you think that conversations should be all about you. You think being interesting is that you have to witty, intelligent, well informed. This does not make other people think that you are interesting. To be interesting, an individual has to show genuine interest in others. Ask about the people you know or meet open ended questions, questions where the answer is not yes or no. Even asking why someone is interested in a particular sport, or why they most like one season of the year, or what kind of books or movies they like can yield very interesting results. Or if the individuals are on a more cerebral level, ask about what they love about their major or the period of history that they find most interesting. The surprising thing is that most people do have very interesting stories to tell once you stop trying to be the center of attention. Listen to the answer and follow up with more questions and then start to talk about yourself. This is not rocket science.

Oof, this one really hits home. A lot of bad experiences with being boring. Can’t wait to dig in!

I've always seen myself as shy and introvert and always wondered why I was bad at talking. But one time I took a IQ-test and the results told me both IQ and how long time it took for me to get an answer compared to others. The result told me that it took longer time for me to get a conclusion than others. That was truly mind-blowing. Suddenly all the pieces came together : i was "bad" at talking because I was still processing what other people was saying when others were done and kept the conversation going. They were done processing, I was not. It all made sense, I guess I always knew that I wasn't done processing it all but I thought everyone else was the same. Once I got the results it made it more easy to working on my social skills and at the same time to be kind to myself.

I’ve answer this to myself a lot, because it’s not that I’m boring, I’m just weird and people get uncomfortable the more comfortable I get in the environment. I tend to be hyperactive and (this is accidentally) I talk over people and give my opinion when they’re talking about something I was feeling excluded from. I can’t read people well and I tend to overcompensate when I’m trying to make friends, which makes people don’t want to engage with me. Pretty rough, but if the opposite happens and I don’t talk to not annoy them, then I’m boring 🙄

I needed this, thank you 😊

This talk changed my life

Your advices are always on point,tysm Dr K

What i learned early in my social quest is everyone loves a good story. So whenever I see someone I'm interested in or wanna be friends with, I always have some kind of anecdote, joke or cool story when I see them. Doesn't matter if u tell the same story multiple times, make sure it gets better everytime u tell it. Always come in with big energy and they will return it. "In order to receive love, you must first learn to give it"

Thanks for covering this! Your videos are talking about most of my biggest problems and insecurities, so it's been a lot easier to get rid of them now! Just wanted to say, you had a huge impact in my life (for the better). Thank you so much

Boring is subjective.

every topic i try to bring up to people always gets shot down because im an autist and i dont like what they do, it just makes me look like a geek, not a fun guy, it also really dosent help with the whole "being empathetic" thing when your brain is literally wired to not do that well

I often end up going into social gatherings thinking I'll hate them and almost expecting to, so it's a self-fulfillling thing. These settings are inherrently stressful and trigger my anxiety, so it can be hard to even fake an interest in anything anyone is saying.

Thank you, dr K, for videos about communication, they teach me how to be a proper human being

ive needed this video for a long, long time

OH, that reminds me: how the heck do I commiserate with and comfort others by more than just saying “that sucks”

I don't think I'm boring, I just think there's a lot of different factors to what makes people interesting. If the person thinks you're boring, that's more on them. Most people don't understand the concept of common interests and lack of general compatability when first investing time/energy into someone and will generally tend to project that insecurity on to others by calling them "boring" when they themselves just don't want you to think that they are. I've accepted and have empowered the idea that 99% of the time I'm doing normal "boring" every day adult tasks that revolve around my own personal responsibilities so I've started to improve my personality around those types of subjects as that's what I spend the majority of my time doing.

This was quite educational Dr. K, thank you

As soon as he started smiling, only then did I realise why family and old friends always told me to smile more.

Man I can relate to that person a lot, just that many people find me, boring so they do not give chance to form deeper connection.

ooh I love seeing all the lamps turned on in the background, that warm glow of just the right color temperature and wattage of LED bulbs

Oh my, that laughter at 17:10 is gonna haunt me. Good topic

The worst is when you genuinely want to learn something about an interest you don't share with a group and the consensus you get back when you ask them to explain it is "idk Google it lmao"

Ive tried that before, asking people about what they like but even then it sounded awkward to them, like it should have been something I should already know. And asking too much is detrimental too. So you have to know what "too much" is.

I find boredom in a thing way more tolerable if I tell myself I am experimenting and say I wanted to give it a try. I also think it helps a lot to justify or explain why I had fun/boredom, done in a measurable and more precise way.

11:25 oh my Gosh, I started smiling and then laughing till I had tears in my eyes. This truly was fun, I loved this sm

Number one way to trigger someone who is quiet or introverted is to ask "why are you so quiet" Because I am. You're loud. I'm quiet. They're tall, I'm short. We all built different lads.

Sad reality when you drop alcohol and stop "hanging out" then everyone else finds you boring. Tip: stop drinking and you'll see who your real friends are

my advice for those who struggle with receptive empathy: keep what you say to the most salient points. Let the other person ask for details if they're way into what you're talking about. Like, in general, just let those questions drive the conversation. Otherwise just quit while you're ahead.

Can doc read my mind wtf. I was thinking about this problem and he dropped a vid on it. Thanks

Stay out of my brain with these uploads lmaooo But nah for real I love your work plz don’t ever stop

I had the most biggest smile at 11:30. Had not smiled like that in a while

Having fun yourself - I can see why streaming became a thing. Most streamers start out just playing games or doing their own thing but make it available for people to join in if they want, thus filtering out those conflict (between the streamer who is having fun, and those who don't find that activity fun). It is a good way to network and find friends, albeit online, with those who enjoy the same thing, and share that fun (with the right people).

This entire video reminds me of the Nathan For You episode where Nathan tracks how much fun a guy is having to prove that he's his friend.

talking about "Vibing" there is something I forgot about my circle. I'm in the wrong circle, I'm not vibing with their tihngs and they're not vibing with my things. It's so true that the only way is to walk away.There are friends whom I tried to correct them because my "obligation" or you can called it "ego" tell me that I should help them. But the fact that they're not willing to listen and always come up with excuses is enough to proved that they "don't need" my assistance. I should focus on myself and vibing with myself until I found a circle that would vibing with me later on.

Oh the silent was so good I laughed out loud

I've come to the realization it's not me it's them. I have worked customer service jobs for 15 years and could have a conversation with a tree. Yet I still find myself worried when things sort of feel stale, slow or awkward. I have really started to notice this now that I've been in the dating world again. Keep this in mind, sometimes it's the other person who's unable to hit that tennis ball back to your side of the court. It takes two to tango and you can't always be someone's entertainment. That being said, how's everyone doing? Got anything exciting coming up?

I would really love to have a link to any of those studies on doctors not being good based on their experience. It very much agrees with my own experience and I would like to read more.

this was such a helpful video and I think the title does it a misjustice I almost didn't click it

when you said you have to have fun for it to be fun i felt kind of sick in my stomach because interaction is not fun for me anymore.i 'm boring and people are boring. i am good at being emotionally understanding so people like me sometimes but i'm realising its hard for me to like people.

17:18: This gave me flashbacks from every "fun" company event I was forced to attend

These thumbnails are always so spot-on xD

11:20 was scary man. I wasn’t even looking at the video, I was listening to it as if it was an audio book, but I could *hear* him smiling, and I too, smiled. Human beings are weird

Alan Watts said something like "A person who is interesting is a person that is interested"

Lol I learned that I'm funny when I'm just me I make people laugh when they get the hang of my persona (sarcasm) . So I don't bother making joke I just comment on dumb questions they ask and give sarcastic answers and they find it funny to the point that they even try predicting what I'm going to say half the time after giving a statement , and it make me laugh because half the time I wasn't even going to saying anything. So just be yourself, and learn social skill if needed because being social is something you learn it doesn't come naturally .

"It's possible to learn something substantial from every single person you meet" This assumes that people are willing to share information that you deem interesting. In most cases of reality, they will only share surface level information in order to not "try to hard"/out of comfort, trust, security, other situational factors. Dr. K says you shouldn't be trying to hard as well so this paradoxically results in no "interesting" information being presentable to both parties. Unfortunately, he never addresses this.

When i am drunk It is easy to express my thoughts

Suggesting the topic about hardships building any relationships with smb who dosen't want to learn, nor little things, nor big ones, like own emotions and reactions

thanx!

That thumbnail is pure terror. I’ll take a night in a haunted mausoleum over standing in that crowd😱

It doesn't matter if they think you're boring. Do you think you're boring? Then do something, if not, then don't. Don't change for the sake of other people's opinions.

thanks doc

Dr K assumes I would get bored of listening to him talk about space turtles and their little legs

this practise by talking to a kid about random stuff they find interesting is a god-tier practise tool (unless you are a stranger lmao) - learnt so much about how to approach people and start a conversation from my two nieces, literally mind boggling

Just have fun 🙂

Whether your life or interests is boring to someone else entirely depends on the person you are talking to in my opinion. People have interest themselves and are therefore preconditioned to be interested in certain parts of your life more so than others, as well as may not find any of your interests interesting or your life interesting. Generally, though, the feeling of interest is relatable. So while you might be interested in other things, people can still relate to your level of interest, and they can still appreciate it the fact that you are interested. I think the concept of boring comes about in the sensation that nothing comes to mind we could add to an conversation that would be off interest. We imagine ourselves to be bored, but the sheer lack of what we have to say. To want to be interesting may just be a craving for acceptance and respect. That's my 2 cents at least

this has "hi, haaaaavve you met ted?" energy in it ie: sometimes its just as simple as asking them about their interests. simple start is best basically.

Okay this was really cool, how do I relax idk 😂

"Human beings are empathic"... one of the reasons I feel barely Human at all...

When ur at social events and ur the type of person who gets in their own head and forgets what they’re interested in and therefore struggles to start and maintain conversations. Just remind yourself that you’re there to have fun. Does wonders and helps me let go of all that self-inflicted and self-limiting anxiety. Also, just keep a few recent events on the back burner, so if u choke at the critical moment you just pull one out the archives. Also remember that you’re probably no more boring then the other people there; you’re just assuming they’re doing better then you because they look more comfortable then your feel.

What if you can have fun with people. But generally many times you need something to do, like playing a game with them, walking in the nature, doing something except only talking?

Do people actually think they’re boring that often? I always thought the issue was that most men had a little bit too much to say and hence they had to suppress it. As in the “I realise I’m weird so I will shut the fuck up“ kind of way. Which is, like, pretty problematic by itself but also sort of the exact opposite of “being boring”.

Man, oh man, oh man… would I have loved to have THIS video available when I was in college!! Unfortunately, I had to figure this shit out on my own, but eventually it all fell into place.

Ride that YT algo, and thank you for this one too.

I am sure youve been asked this, but think you could add the Twitch chat to the videos, so we can see their responses? BTW... NY style > Chicago style (love Chicago style too).

I would like to know why would someone thing of this, is it that they find themselves boring? And how they... "cope" for the lack of a better word, with this themselves?

The problem with asking people is, they often think I am stupid instead of curious. And then they don‘t even bother telling me about it. They just want to talk to someone, who knows as much as they do

want to be fun around people ? Have fun with yourself. The first dozens times it was cringey and there was silence. Then I kept going. It became natural. The best experiences I had with people is when I had fun. When I was at parties and expect other people to make the fun for me was the time I had a shit time. Say the stupidest thing. Say whatever crosses your mind and BE absolutely completly unapologetic. Social interactions is a learning process. Men who were bullied young have a hard time doing so. Don't be nice. Be real. Have fun for you ! You don't give a shit about others people's perceptions. It'll work. Keep pushing.

Love how this background from a classic Jimmy Tatro vid has really become a meme lol

Am not smiling.. You are SMILING!

That laugh made me think of the infamous Tidus and Yuna laughing scene.

So wise

The thumbnail hits diff, brings up old memories 😔😔

I strive to be boring, it never lasts . Two weeks ago I had as attacked by a pit bull, it messed me up pretty good but I'm recovering. To most people this would be an event. To me it's just another week.. I said this to someone recently and they were confused.. I showed them an old Atari st motherboard. It was given to me when I was a kid by a postman.. He had gone "postal" on me (Vietnam flashback) and chased me into his house with a loaded m-16... It jammed and I escaped by jumping out a window. After he got out of the psych ward he gave me the computer to apologize. My life is so strange I literally forgot about it till I found the motherboard in storage ..