The classroom example is pretty poignant to me, because I’m a 37 year old grad student, and I am frequently the only one in my classes who wants to pipe up and speak or answer. I can SEE the discomfort on the faces of the younger students who haven’t learned to process their shame at possibly being wrong. I simply don’t care any more - in my mind, being wrong is simply an opportunity to be right the next time. Self-reflection has been absolutely life-changing for me.
yeah. I knew a guy like this. people around thinks he's a silly guy for asking foolish questions. but I can see the genius behind it, I wish I can be quarter as shameless as that dude
@@0zone247 i worked on it by starting to ask questions (when appropriate) in class whenever i genuinely wanted to know something. easier said than done, but if you look at it as just "okay, now i will do this thing" instead of thinking about the consequences or the perfect timing for asking, it will get easier just by doing it and doing it and doing it. similar to what helped me get over my social anxiety
@@RuNZiT1 Especialy while its technicly via twitch and more and more developers listen to twitch streamers to nerf something in their game afterwards, because this person says something is too op. (mainly talking about path of exile here, soo dissapointing how they nerf everything on a monthly basis kinda).
So essentially, I can’t control that when I hear the doorbell ring, I _want_ to run and hide, *BUT,* I _can_ notice and control my _reaction!_ This is great. Next time I hear the doorbell, I will try and stay exactly where I am, rather than run away! Progress!
@@phosspatharios9680 Just looked it up, it's called Powerthirst, it's phrased slightly differently "These aren't your dad's puns, there are energy puns. TURBO PUNS". I haven't thought of the video in years, so I thought it was the same format it randomly popped into my head reading your comment.
The classroom scenario really reminded me of this incident in my class a few years back. A teacher asked a question and called on a girl, she got it wrong in front of everybody. Must have felt awful. A few minutes later the teacher asked another question and was looking to call on someone else, this girl who got the previous question wrong raised her hand and asked "can I try this one?" And she got it right. I was floored by just how awesome of a personality she has and it hit me as I thought "why can't I do that?" And I realized that I've been autopiloting
Honestly as someone who had allot of social anxieties and have adhd this is good to see you trying to help people I had to learn the hard way by getting out there. But I’m actually genuinely grateful someone cares enough to help people that no one gives a shit to understand.
8:00 sitting at front, sitting at back, wanna disappear 🕳 10:40 observations, called on at front, feel stupid, sit away 12:13 emotions also reactive, someone asks q, everyone looking at u grinning, recognising ur the butt of the joke, on guard 13:00 ego/sense of self & identity/belief of what u are, protects urself 13:45 if u tell yourself u dont deserve love, u dont feel bad rejected (armor, numb) 17:00 samskaras, digest ur emotions 17:40 18:10 reflecting regularly 19:00 or sum scar will affect ur behaviour 19:48 personality altered, digging a hole for yourself 20:05 the way we live our lives is like how we play video games, *most ppl will stay at their particular skill for their entire lifetime.* 20:50 how do u play for so long but have no progress: 22:00 on autopilot, not thinking/processing the way u play the game 23:40 personality not stagnant be intentional; how u react & learn from mistakes 26:58 society of fixing, moving forward 27:50 28:05 personality isnt shaped by what u *DO* , but by how u *react* 28:35 i wish i had that other personality, i wish that when i lost a game, i learned from my mistake & went in hoping to do better 29:30 looking for perfect after imperfect 30:00 but what was *my* contribution? 30:30 not fixing a problem, study ur reactions 32:20 expectations 33:50 replay analysis, ur learning will shape ur behaviour 34:30 problems may be hard to fix, but what is even easier is fixing yourself. 35:25 1) Notice smth/what ur mind is telling u 2) Play the tape to the end 36:00 Question ur fears. what will happen? consequence? so what, why? 37:25 *intention* this isn't a game i'm playing to win, but i'm playing to learn feel stupid -> what will i do? distract or prepare? to feel better tomorrow 39:30 discovery, front & feelsgoodman (they learn telling vs throwing fit = W) dbt 43:50 u cant control ur initial response, but can study for ur reaction 46:35 critical vs observation (see what happens, non-judgemental) 49:40 self critical 50:10 numbness, supressed, u want ur mind to be calm, balanced, work thru ur emotions 54:00 running away vs embracing, gradual progress, acknowledge it sucks 55:28 56:25 *pay attention to how u react!* 57:20
39:31 Just wanted to chip in on this real quick: I was that kid all my life. Sitting at the back of the class. To escape the spotlight, and any discomfort it may involve. Skip ahead 14 years since I last went to school. Due to life's unpredictability I ended up wanting to return to school and get my degree. My personality had obviously changed throughout the last 14 years, and so had my attitude towards learning, as well as my belief in myself since last I sat in a classroom. Long story short, I challenged myself to sit in front, to be "that student", and I applied myself to make sure I didn't make a fool of myself. It was a revolutionary discovery for me. School was honestly the most fun I've had in a long, long time. But more importantly, I discovered my true potential. A bittersweet experience, to be fair, yet one that I would never be without. So please, believe in yourself.
i had a similar experience but have to say that i also felt a shift in how i was treated by other classmates. i had more social bonding when i was an underachiever. i guess gender also plays a role in that. some people are terrified by driven women
@@lemmings6516 I guess it kinda depends what do we mean by that, When i was in high school, in my class there were multiple very ambitious women but there were two types: the one who were kind and fun to be around and the second who were the elitist and superficial assholes, sure they were both ambitious and spent a lot of time learning but we(the boys) were annoyed by the assholes and only liked the kind ones. The only thing we were terrified about is how powerful they are by being crybullies. But since i work in IT i met quite some women(and men obvously) who are both intelligent and kind so i'm kinda lucky. TL;DR : From my personal experience people aren't terrified by driven women that's BS toxic women came up with to cope, they terrified by asshole women in general.
@@anxboxharddrive9348people can be terrified by asshole persons in general And people can alo be pissed by ambitious and driven persons ..it depends on the observer
I agree but you can get the same knowledge from books. Nowadays we're just too lazy and dr k is here to spoon feed it to us through the ease of a click
my teachers in high school were very good. they never cared about the right answer they just wanted the students to attempt the problem. nobody successfully solves a problem in first attempt. failing and learning from failure prepared me for exams. the more you attempt the more data on the problem solving you have and you can use that data to become better at problem solving.
Just ended a relationship and have been looking at how to grow into a better person because of it. Some of the best advice I've found is "to be the person you want to date". Don't just expect the other person to accept who you are and solve all your problems. You have to be someone desirable. Doesn't mean to take who you are. But if you want a partner who is emotionally available, most likely they'll want that as well in return.
I'm 29 yo. And I feel I've completely messed up my personality. All I learned from my adolescence is how to be invisible in groups. I have no idea how to make friends. I can't flirt of course or even approach women. Not only I don't have things I like. I literally can't think of things I like, because all I've ever thought is "it doesn't matter what I like". I can't even act or think or talk in a genuine way. I literally can't. There's nothing genuine about me anymore. I know how to pretend that I'm a complete person, when inside I'm empty. A dead carcass of a human body. Over the last year I've been isolating myself more and more because I just can't tolerate my awkwardness anymore. One on one conversations are straight up Painful to me. I avoid friends gatherings because I feel I have nothing to contribute, I'm just a witness. There's never anything to talk to people about. Nothing to ask. And nothing to make any topic last. I honestly can't understand how in the hell people enjoy having conversations. A conversation is probably the worst form of suffering there is.
Stuck in a similar boat, luckily not as bad, I feel like I have nothing to contribute with and being invisible and just being a witness. From what I've been told I need to be curious and interested in others to be able hold a convo properly. Not sure how to start being interested tho.
@@BIZaGoten And how to ask without becoming rude, how to avoid stepping on some boundary the other person might have. How do you know you can ask what you're going to ask? Talking is just too much of a pressure.
@@franacha Agreed. Though I think we can just ask anything, say we're sorry if there's a negative response and remember to not ask or say that again. I've had my boundaries stepped on heavily and I didn't say anything. So the responsibility lies on the person with a boundary to speak up and let people know that wasn't okay.
27:00 well you see, sometimes you switch champions and DONT lose, and thats the most nefarious thing. Then it starts reinforcing the misguided behavior that you can just seek out external solutions for your problems and not look inwards. Same applicable for relationships, carreers. We decide on a foolish course of action, and sometimes it just works out by virtue of rng, or we just have a good day unrelated to it. But we associate the two and slowly create this bad habit.
Maybe. But then you need to ask, what I am doing to refine my control? You may have a champion you play, and you have a hard time controlling it in tough scuffles, but are you 1 degree better or are you reminded of your failure? That's where "Watching your reaction" comes in play. Its embarrassing watching yourself, because the worse judge on the block is yourself. But you need to, to get that 1 degree of refinement.
Literally every information based RU-vid video has some one in the comment section saying "This should be taught in schools". Here's a shocking fact for you, most of your learning is done outside of school. You never stop. It's not all learnt from the ages of 4 to 17.
20:39 This whole point make a LOT of sense to me. When I used to play competitive games, I never really thought about what I was doing, I just went. But after watching videos on how to improve (and generally becoming more self-reflective), I improved so fast. A year ago, I was around B rank in Tetrio, but now I’m mid U rank (around top 1000) with just 250 hours of playing. And I think it’s really due to that change of mindset I had, you’ve got to be aware of and critical of your choices, so that you can figure out what does work and what doesn’t. And I find it really cool that that is applicable to real life as well.
Man folks really forget that one of the most valuable things you've got is your attention, and learning how to pay with it effectively really gives new perspective to the whole idea of 'paying attention.' Such a laterally applicable skill, awesome to hear about your success!
One thing to note: Back of the classroom is a luxury for someone with corrected vision. I was a front row sitter out of necessity for a few years there because my eyes were rapidly getting worse as I aged, and my parents couldn't afford to get my glasses updated as fast as it was changing. If I wanted to be able to read the board, I had to sit close enough. And talking was often easier than reading or writing, so I'd listen and answer enough to please the teachers. This might have in turn altered the way I was perceived (smart! studious! but inexplicably "lazy") and thus the way I perceived myself. And it led to a missed ADHD inattentive diagnosis along the way, not that they were very good at catching it in girls my age when I was an adolescent in the first place.
A huge part of this discussion seems to be about identity and core beliefs as aspects of personality. I definitely felt stuck and behind in life in my mid twenties, as I was struggling with CPTSD and a lack of any support system or natural teachers in my life. Covid forced me to turn inward, where I rediscovered my love for journaling. I am naturally an introspective person, always have been, but journaling has helped me to make it a daily conscious practice. In this process I started to identify my core beliefs and challenge them. A big one was "I'm not active. I'm not sporty. I'm not fit. I'm not the type of person to be able to be graceful and in tune with my body, I am clumsy." I identified that this core belief was one that was taught to me, and I decided I did not want to own it anymore. I identified a cognitive dissonance between that thought and my desire and value to move through life in a loving way, including towards myself. I practiced shifting it to "I can learn to be active. I am able bodied, young, healthy, I just haven't had lots of practice in fitness but I CAN practice and improve." I then discovered yoga and committed to a month membership to my local studio. I started thinking "I want to be a person who..." And then I started taking action towards that until I actually shifted my identity, and therefore my personality. I now have a daily yoga practice. As a result I shifted how I eat, how I respond to others, the people I surround myself with, I gained other interests. I now cross country ski, hike, paddle board, bike. I shifted my identity and my reality.
As an artist and someone who only just saw the title... Personality is like an artstyle. You can copy it from others, manufacture it, but you have your own specific artstyle. That artstyle of _yours_ isn't something you can change at will. It changes as your brain receives new information. The thing about artstyle is that you should _embrace_ it. Don't be afraid of others reacting negatively to it. Then, you should seek to _improve_ it.
my artstyle used to be a chimera of good artist but after years of refining, observing, adapting, i have become an abomination and i wouldnt have it any other way
Your argument is that each one's personality is an artstyle. This artstyle "isn't something you can change at will" but it can change as "your brain receives new information". If personality "improves" as new information comes in, who is doing the improving? The brain itself? The individual through sheer effort? This whole argument is so badly structured
I notice I get defensive very easily especially when it comes to questioning my intelligence or integrity. It’s happened all the time especially into my adulthood. I always feel attacked when I’m challenged
This is not rare I used to be this way myself. I think that a good mindset for fixing this is just to stay positive and to realize that it’s nothing personal and that you are both just trying to be right or maybe think to yourself “maybe you’re right”. Whenever you feel this way just remind yourself that it’s just someone nitpicking or even trying to help you and that in the grand scheme of things it’s not that important so just take it with grace.
Maybe seeing others or experiencing yourself being abused under the excuse that if someone makes a mistake, harsh punishment is the appropriate action (it isn't....abuse uses force or threat of force and fear to get people to collaborate, instead of waiting for the right group of people who can collaborate with everyone weighing in, treating each other with respect by asking for consent and opinions, patience, and asking questions for clarification. unfortunately this process is the opposite of what the economy is built on (cycling people through without care and assuming they won't leave because they are forced to accept abuse in order to financially survive and support themselves and their family). Then widespread Stockholm syndrome was born, with generations thinking it's normal to be sarcastic, threatening, cruel and demeaning, all because money and the stage of industrialization forced them to see their captors as saviors and adapt themselves to survive in these harsh circumstances. Each new generation has access to more opportunities and can drop some of the survival adaptations that were passed down
Something that might help with this is always considering the fact that no one knows everything and no one ever will. Getting other people’s perspectives/opinions/questions is a good way of just gathering data and researching so that you do eventually know more and so does the other person. Like whenever someone asks me something I dont know the answer to or we’re both “sure” of different answers, Ill just google it and read the information in an objective manner, not like haha told you so. Also important is to realize when certain topics are subjective or personal anecdotes and not objective facts and state as such so parties will always have different answers
This information is so valuable. This is what I've been doing to "cure" my OCD. I say cure between quotation marks because is not like I don't experience the obsessive thought loops anymore, but the times that I do, by paying careful attention to my anxiety I'm more equipped to manage the emotional reaction and break out of the compulsions. Thank you, Dr.K
I have OCD too, and it sounds like you're doing a great job, at not letting your OCD use your emotions to tell you you have to ruminate. You just have to sit with the anxiety and let it pass. I know that when my OCD compulsions come up if I don't pay attention to it, it will then try to tell me that by not paying attention, I am admitting I am a bad person, or that I am not capable of reasoning out of the fear, but that's how to lures you into rumination. You can ignore the anxiety and not give it the attention it tells you you must pay to it.
This is actualy such an important insight. Thank you Dr K. You've really been reshaping the way I look at the world. Truly the best gift you could give a person
It seems that Dr. K always know what I need 😅 I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD recently, so i realised that I was 'masking' a lot. Now that I don't have to do this anymore, I am lost when it comes to 'what is my personality and what is my mental disorder'. Thank you for this video!
When Dr K says you don't go around your day to day life actively processing everything that's happening... Is it weird that I do? Like every decision and move I make there's an observer in my head being like "you're doing this because of x trauma and you're doing that because of conditioning or because of your adhd" etc etc
Same, I do too. Very conscious of what I think, feel & do. Needless to say, I used to suffer from 24/7 derealization + depersonalization too because my mind was so stuck in the mind world that the physical world felt alien. It also gets awkward sometimes, like when I do something bad despite knowing why I feel like doing it & what alternative I should do instead. Easier thought than done. The merit though, is I get so familiar with the practice of self-studying that it's not too hard to do mental explorations. Isn't it?
@@jjQlLlLq It's true. I can see what I'm doing but I can't actually stop it a lot of the time, it's just an observer in my head that doesn't really get too much of a say as to what happens. It's like I can see myself when I get excited and my adhd makes me talk a lot and I acknowledge that it's my adhd acting up again but I just can't help myself and then I end up feeling ashamed of talking too much. It doesn't really help having awareness a lot of the time especially in social situations. It has made me improve as a person to some extent but it doesn't fix everything. It's more of a curse honestly I wish I didn't overanalyse every action that I take
"The way you react to the world shapes your personality." I can relate. One of my quirks is promoting sustainability through making the most out of an object's useful life, recycling, and promoting proper use of words and terms so it maintains quality and knowledge of language. As a result I'm pretty stuck-up with how people should behave and treat their things, I'm naturally inclined to look at things seriously, and I save a lot of random things people would consider throwing out upon first sight of. It really bothers me so many people are so quick to dispose things that can still be used elsewhere.
it’s literally insane that we call ourselves an “advanced civilization,” but we take time money and resources to make disposable objects with no obvious secondary use like packaging and upon completion of their primary function will throw them onto a giant waste pile that we pretend doesn’t exist. Like hundreds of thousands of years and we haven’t thought of a better solution than this?
Wow this made me realise that I subconsciously partly figured this out myself. I have bpd that I've learnt to manage and I always say I have an "instinctive self" that still reacts unhealthily but my "intentional self" which is what people see has learnt to challenge my instinctive reactions and do better. So I might get unnecessarily over upset at something, but where I used to spiral into an hour long "depressive" episode, now tears swell up but then I ask the person to clarify what they meant and realise I have no reason to be upset lol
This is exactly how I got over heavy anxiety and panic attacks. I stopped judging and fearing it, in a way. I only observed it, observed my thought process before it, as I feel it coming up sometimes. No judgement, no analyzing, just observation. Afterward, i'd segregate the experience into pieces of cronological order, the initial being the thoughts that led up to it. I have effectively thought myself that thoughts can't hurt me. They are thoughts, they come and go. Anxiety is only getting stuck on the absolutely worst one. Panic attacks are the worst symtpom because you are completely lost in it. I'm really glad I had good, non judgemental people around me when I went through it. Hell, most people I met during that time instantly accepted it, and the ones I would have thought would judge me the most, wouldn't at all. They'd actually be quite curious about it, offering their own paths to a 'cure', you know? We need to stop being so difficult on ourselves in general. The world keeps shaping us as if we are supposed to be perfect robots but there is no school or manual for emotions, the things we feel. All we can learn is how to communicate with these feelings and in a way compromise with them. This whole experience and a bit over two years after, realising how I got myself out of it all truly changed the way I see and treat myself.
The gaming analogies always get me lmao because it fits so well and kinda makes reality seem like a simulation but not in a bad way, but in an understandable way where life is actually manageable. Looking at obstacles in life as a way to level up and have fun and not something to avoid completely or be fearful of definitely puts things into a better perspective.
As soon as he asked how to change personality my mind screamed about environment placement. There's no better way to change your personality than changing the environment you are exposed to. that also includes social media, workplace, home, and any other thing that includes any interaction. Social or antisocial. One way that I like to put it is that you are an empty bottle and every interaction you make in life is a tiny droplet in said bottle. Every interaction is different, so every droplet is a different color. In the end, that mixture of colors that came from all your exposures/interactions is your personality. Though if you are unhappy with the color you see yourself in now, the best thing you can still do is to start exposing yourself to videos, people, or even a community that follows a more chill and educative pattern like this one. I hope this helped someone :)
I am always after noticing myself but I am very confused when I think or wanna frame that what do I feel or think about my emotions and stuff, but Dr. K's videos are like a tongue to my thoughts and feelings and have helped me to figure out a lot of stuff. Like right now I am thinking that I have written a brilliant comment and I am hoping that it will get some attention and I am sharing this observation to get attention. All thanks to Dr K.
Lately I've been comparing myself to other people; because they have things that I don't and I want that for me too. The main reason is "I don't have a job and they do, therefore I'm less because I don't have an active role on society, and I can't invite them to go out because that would mean spend money I don't have". So by applying observation, my tendency is to avoid taking to people until I have something I believe is worth sharing with them. But what I've been noticing is that now people I considered friends stopped talking to me, and for me this looks like a confirmation of my feeling of not being worthy. Not only I haven't been able to get a job but now I'm losing the few connections I had, and my reaction to this is just close myself on work, fixate in the only thing I feel is useful to spend my time, because if I already lost something dear to me, the only thing left is this promise of getting a job and maybe meet new people there.
Dr K, I'm a social work major going for my LCSW. My goal is to become a counselor and I'd really like to work with people the way that you do in your stream interviews. You're for sure one of my biggest counseling role models. If you offered trainings (for a fee) I would absolutely sign up. I'm considering applying as a HG coach but it's an issue of having the time available as a student, but I'd gladly sign up for just training.
Holy shit, dude. This video was amazing! Self-reflection is literally one of the most important things we need to be taught when we are young. By the way, the whole explanation about the differences between the Western and the Eastern way of dealing with life problems was absolutely brilliant. So monks are like therapists for themselves, while here in the West we tend to prefer that other people help us do that job, and no wonder it's this way; after all, we are not taught how to self-reflect. Monks are underrated to be honest.
If you working in office, you will have to wear "professional personality" facade. Its tiring. Because people will think you are incompetent/rude if you showing the real you.
It is really tiring, energy deprivation. The best solution would be to find a job, occupation which allows you to be 100% true to yourself and your surroundings.
I happened to figure this sort of thing out in High School. I came up with it from the common sentiment of "Question everything" from science teachers and science shows, but applying it to my psychology. I ended up doubting as much as I could about myself, including my doubts, until I could figure out what wasn't worth my time doubting because I'd gone over it so much. I also accepted that I didn't know what I was doing and any success I could have would take years. It mostly worked but I plateaued after about 3-4 years and didn't notice for another couple of years. People like Dr K have provided me way more data to base my introspection on and allowed me to climb in the metaphorical MMR.
God, I wish there were more therapists like Dr. K, with a more openminded perspective, tackling topics and concepts most other "professionals" never talk about or take seriously.
Wow, I was just saying it's hard for me to interact with people because I don't have a personality and I'm constantly thinking about how the other person is going to react to what I say. This came up at the perfect time.
My man, literally helps me change a small part of my life every time I watch one of his videos and implement these strats in my life. Thank you for what you do 🙏
7 years ago I was bronze 4 in league and started doing a mindfulness course aimed at gamers to work on improvement. Since I have been constantly reflecting and improving the way I play league as well as every game I play in my life. I truly think getting coaching and having that drive to improve and really following through will infect the rest of your life in profound and meaningful ways.
just a random comment. I saw a shirt a while back that read: "Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are"
I think we've gotten to this point in society because we no longer question ourselves, or we don't actually dig at the issue, and make assumptions. This guy is single handedly changing my perspective on myself and the world around me, and I can't be thankful enough for it.
Imo this is Dr.K’s best video. This is some next level shit right here, already started using it today with socializing and it decreased my tension around people. Theres something about focusing on the bodily sensations and how I instinctively react, seeing how I can change that the next time, that really fucking works.
That's a fair mindset. But by a similar principle, do not expect others to treat you as someone else. Most people aren't fools, and will assume that a person changing their position, actions, and beliefs like that aren't all there at the best, or are being extremely deceitful and manipulative at the worst
holy shit dr k you're a fucking oracle. the past week or something ive been sitting here thinking about how i have no personality and am no fun and then you post this. thank you
I've been at the self-reflecting to change my behavior stage since I was 16. I'm now 24. There was a bit of that before the age of 16 but I feel as though due to many factors my ability for critical thinking was limited until then. I'm human. I've done many things right. I've done many things wrong. My insurance is I get paralyzed in the self-reflection and I torture myself with my own mistakes knowing that I could have done better and I can do better. This is especially prevalent in relationships. Not so long ago I ruined the best one I ever had. I've been struggling to get through it. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm good at figuring out what I did wrong but I feel as though I have half the self-control the normal human being is supposed to have and I struggle with the actually doing it part.
as someone who has run away from situations my whole life, I'm kicking my younger self now for being such a coward! But I think part of the process is to acknowledge that part without any judgment and see how I can improve from there. But making it a habit to avoid difficulties definitely compounds -- it makes it so much harder to face problems head-on later in life. That's why I recommend nipping those feelings early of wanting to run away or sit in the back of the class like dr.k says. I always find it easier when I have a fresh start (e.g. a new school, workplace) but then if I make a habit of being avoidant, it's hard to change my course -- even though it's totally possible-- maybe I'm a little embarrassed to make a big change or shift in my personality.
I recently asked for an explanation of these yogic ideas that did not rely on knowing a whole host of undefined technical terms or religious constructs. It's been a years-long quest and then best I'd found was a little bit of Bro- Meditation that didn't actually explain the process beyond "go meditate a ton." But now, I have Dr. K. who puts it into language I understand (tho I often have to guess about the gaming references) and brings it to concrete examples my mind can grasp and build bridges to my own needs. THANK YOU 🙏🙏🙏
A good book I recomend on on changing your personality is strangers to yourself by timothy wilson. It literally describes what dr K is talking about with more insights. It talks about how the unconsicous mind automatically reacts to the enviroment and to uncover your personality you need to observe how you act and create new behaviours to create a new narrative or story about yourself. Also talks about how negative rumination leads to more negativity because you end up harshly blaming your self, instead, you should write down your emotions to process them. It's a really good book on understanding how the unconscious mind works and how to use it to your advantage!
36:07 This is exactly how I go through life every day, especially in scenarios when I am scared. What's the best that can happen? What's the most realistic thing that can happen? What's the worst that can happen? What's the common action that I can take in all three scenarios that will make the outcome better for me? That's the action I take and it's helped me out of a lot of anxiety. Most commonly it turns out to be the most realistic scenario and I'm equipped to deal with that.
Ohhh wow!! This seriously helped me make a connection in my mental health. I used to be big into yoga, I used to have a healthy amount of self esteem as well. I made good decisions. Fast forward to the present. I've been in a very abusive relationship. My self esteem has pummeted, and I'm very critical of myself. I've also had a lot of recent attempts at trying new things to make me successful fail, and I haven't been able to process the shame in a healthy way at all. Will meditation fix this? I mean shame is my biggest emotion at this point. 😞💔
This reminds me a lot of a concept called "local minima" in machine learning. Drastically oversimplifying things, but if you aren't careful, your model will "think" it has found the best way to behave to maximize a reward, but in reality, it has only maximized its reward within a small behavior space, and it might be able to get significantly better performance by making a big change. But, it won't, because it believes it has found the "optimal" behavior. Its important we audit ourselves from a 50,000 foot view and get the full perspective.
Personal comment about personality: Years ago, I made it my goal to kill my personality. If not killing it all together, then abandon/neglect as much as possible until it was small as it could be. Doing this, I could reach the ultimate form of apathy. And therefore, no bully could latch onto something to exploit. I would be invulnerable, and I would win against all bullies. Little did I know that I was grooming myself to be a sociopath. I was being assimilated into the bully borg. As soon as I became aware of the problem, I worked to recover my personality. Then I began to look for healthy ways to deal with bullies. Footnote: when I mention bullies, I'm also including my own father. I endured 18 years of domestic abuse. It was so bad I almost died several times. It's a miracle that he avoided the law for so long.
We weren't aloud to change where to sit in class... You had one not really choice at the start of the school year to pick a seat and you were forced to take the same one always for the rest of the year... As I didn't learn how to handle negative things I had repeated bad experiences and was forced to relieve them without any help ... It caused trauma and the splitting of the mind to repeatedly deal with the same situation I didn't have a solution for... I hated learning things because it made live worse but now I love learning because I get taught how to deal with things properly...
If something gives me immense trouble and is typically unfair to me and everyone else, i dont think about taking it for myself because I'd be part of the problem. Instead, i seek to destroy it so that the problem is forever gone. I apply this to everything from games, real life, etc.
@@Cia_8 For example, say there's a few characters in a game that are overpowered and most people use them, i want those characters gone so those people can use other characters and not have easy wins and BELIEVE theyre good. Or take religion as my second example. For the last 2,000 years, so many people have used it to justify slavery, murder, wrongdoings, etc. I'd abolish religion out of everyone's minds if i could. And my last example, a manager at a workplace. Say theres 3 managers who are all great people, but one 4th manager gets hired and suddenly upsets everyone. It'd be best if they disappeared, and i dont give a damn how, so long as it happens.
did you grow up with parents or trusted people who thought in absolutes/black-and-white? meaning, either you win or no one does; either you’re a good person or a bad person or did you have critical parents/trusted people who never allowed you to feel emotions, so you lashed out in other ways? like your dad accused you of not taking out the trash, but if you fought back, you’d get punished. so you would get rude with a sibling or friend. it seems you think like: good thing happens and i feel great…but when bad thing happens, it’s so painful and unbearable, i don’t know how to calm it down. so i want everyone to feel the same pain and/or i want this painful thing gone so i can escape these feelings
@@auntienyannyan My mother passed away shortly after i turned 8. She was my angel and everything right with the world. Sure she had her ways but i knew she did everything she could for me. Seeing her suddenly disappear out of my life without rhyme or reason taught me one thing: Death is the end of everything and changes EVERYTHING. my life was forever changed from that day onward. Realizing that the disappearance of a single person had such powerful effects...I began living with my father ever since. My father is a great man but he has issues. He yelled, he broke things, he instilled fear even in men bigger than him, and it always felt like i was walking on eggshells with him. Can't do anything wrong without feeling like the world was imploding or ABOUT to implode. Such yelling and destruction around me, i figured if he just suddenly disappeared, i wouldnt have to feel this anymore, or experience this excruciating fear and powerlessness. I know immediately getting rid of things or people isn't always the answer, but its the most quick and efficient way. Once the problem is gone, the pain stops. The noise stops. Everyone does better. Everyone is happy.
This is the first time he hasn't helped me with a video, I already analyze all this stuff yet still have the same problems with behavior I don't want to be doing.
Thanks for hitting the topic on PTSD. I'm seriously filled with it and low self esteem. I got this from here, except do you have any advice for people who are trying to make those adjustments and still get hit with a ton of criticism? At the end of the day it's really the criticism and a process of failure that seeps in our brain that tells us we're not worthy. Than this thought popped in my head the exernal isn't what brings us happiness, happiness is from with in. That said what do they know? Is that the mind set? I think I'm getting this. I want to be free, I want to bring forth my enternal energy that inspired me to pursue my career. People will come to me as they always have for the experiences and feelings I provide, and continue to provide. How I get better is self awareness. That's it!!! Thank you!! ❤
Wooow! Thanks man! this is seriously good stuff. try out and experiment! Literally this is being applied in psychology/theraphist session for money, but now for free online. Lots of fears, I have had, but now removed because of experimenting and trying other reactions/responses. reflection and trying new stuff is key. try to identify your feelings and set them as triggermoments to check back on yourself and make a different reaction. so amazing to see this same theory being told here! i wrote this to let other people it really works.
I've done a lot of thought processes and dig up the source of somethings on myself that I don't like, but how does knowing where it came from helps? For exemple, I'm too judgemental and realised that my mom is even worse than me and does things considered judgemental all the time and figured that It's probably where It came from. But later I actually started realising that those thoghts were making me feel angry about how my mom is and were making me put the blame on her without changing anything.
From personal experience knowing where it comes from helps because first you have to see where the root of the problem is to fix it. Like having a leak on a boat. You have to spot it first to then patch it up. So if I transfer my experience onto your case, knowing why you are judgemental (that it comes from your mom) is going to help you because 1. You have achieved a step where you know that you being judgemental isn't because you're just a shitty person in general or because you just like to view people negatively. You understand that this is a flaw that you yourself are not to blame for and therefore this (at least for me) relieves some guilt and the constant questioning why am I like that, why am I so different. 2. You realize that you being judgemental might affect other people the same way your mom affected you in this aspect which would be in a negative way. So you now have a motivation to better yourself because bettering yourself ultimately means an improvement for society and everyone surrounding you. Meaning you shouldn't just blame your mum and keep it at that but improve yourself so no one else has to feel what you felt because of your mom. I hope that helped a bit and that I didn't misunderstand your question. Also this is just my experience so you might feel different about it
It's a great first step in the right direction. You are aware of what you are projecting outwards, which stems from previous experiences. My advice is that you speak for yourself, utter words for forgiveness. That your mom did the best she could with what she had and that for what you can forgive you wish to forgive. This gives you back power, ultimately you release resentment and can start to build a healthy relationship to your social network and environment.
I don't think behaviour is everything that determines personality. Three persons may sit at the front for very different reasons. One sits there because he enjoys a lot listening to lectures, the other sits there because he has a very clear objective of what he wants to study and need high marks, and the other may just have fallen in love with the guy who enjoys learning for the sake of it and wants to be close to him.
0:06 I guess having a bad eyesight is a perk, some of my friend mentioned it too, like "why you want to sit in the front?" and I just reply "My eyesight is bad that's why" , and that also applies to that random voice in my brain, cause my brain is now thinking, "okay, front but not too front, heck, just be sure you can see what's written in the board okay, It's tiring to handle those eyes!!!!"
Narcisim is thinking that your right when your wrong and going into the stages of grief about it without getting to the saying sorry part. Just staying at anger or denial.
1. Dont focus on fixing the problem. Instead, focus on the reaction 2. Playing the tape through to the end 3. Intentional experiment where you watch your reaction to that thing
Just to comment on the "personality disorders are treatable" comment, BPD is the most treatable/manageable, as it is the most studied, the others a part from maybe ASPD are only manageable. ASPD is not treatable or manageable in any realistic way because of the mechanics of the disorder. The way personality disorders work is that they are majorly ego-syntonic, and because of that you can't treat it, you can manage it to different degrees. But all the PD's apart from BPD (and maybe ASPD/NPD) are majorly understudied and if you read on the literature, they all mention that they are understudied and that there is no treatment. Again you can manage them but you have to put in overly-major effort on behalf of both therapist and client to even manage it in the room, outside of the therapy room needs even more effort.
yeah this is really accurate. i dont feel like this advice is particularly helpful if you have a pd compared to if you are a nt person just struggling with something more simple and fleeting. ive read before that you cant change your personality, and that the goal for personality disorders is to get it to the point where its a personality style instead of a disorder--no longer causing any significant impairment or distress, but your traits and core personality are still there. ive altered my "reaction" before and it just made my disorder and symptoms extremely worse, while everybody in my life (case manager, therapist) assumed it was a good thing because it was more socially acceptable to react in the ways i adopted. obviously couldnt keep that up forever. the advice of, "if [blank] makes you feel uncomfortable, you cant change your feeling but you can change your reaction into a more positive one!" doesnt work if changing your reaction gives you so much stress that you start hearing and seeing shit, completely lose your emotions and self, etc. but maybe it can work on socially awkward gamers.
@@chimerasofhafgufa sadly people don't appreciate PD's for what they are, and laymen take vague/misunderstood information as gospel from "learned people". I'm not saying Dr K is dumb or anything, but personality disorders are understudied and to misguide people on their reality is harmful for actual sufferers.
I made a shift to the back of the classroom 40 years ago. Get help now. Sometime circumstances will conspire against us, we need to try not to contribute to our own sabotage. Good luck helps.
Dr. K just be calling me out man😅... I can always catch bits of myself even when the topics aren't directly about me. Just gotta get better at implementing it irl.
I have this problem where I’m not a massive talker, so when I’m around people I think it can come across as arrogant so in my classes i don’t get much help from people, so the combat this sometimes I can just ramble to people but it comes off as not natural and trying too hard so they back off, it’s so hard to find a middle ground either I’m my passive self which gets Interpreted as arrogant or too clingy overwhelming..
Well done. I took the clickbait. Just passing through...5 minutes max. Welp...40 minutes in and all that yes. Spot on, IMHO. I feel more optimistic about communicating these principles to my family more effectively than before. They are a bit hung up on the static traits and external locus of control think. Your approach is a good balance of concrete + actionable with just enough framing to keep it accessible. Thanks, mang.
Honestly I’ve been a long time joe rogan listener and have gotten heavy into dr. K the past like 6 months. And man I’d like a podcast with the two of them. The conversation would probably be awesome. Also why can’t you sit in the back of class, get the highest marks but just not wanna talk cuz it’s your peers that intimidate you and not the teacher.
I think personality is shaped and molded by one's mode of cognition. We are born with a particular disposition i.e, introversion/extraversion (the introvert is more focused on the subjective whilst the extravert is focused on the objective). Of course the demands of a situation or problem can cause one to shift preferences, but eventually the individual will find their way back to what is most natural. I have sort of a love/hate relationship with personality theory, whether it be Jungian theory or the big 5. On the one hand my intuition tells me that it's impossible to encapsulate all the nuance that makes up an individual, but at the same time I can't help but notice patterns in the way people express themselves. This is why I try to simplify my understanding of these things by reducing phenomenon to displays of introversion/extraversion.
If you have trouble with Jungian Theory, you should check out Cognitive Personality Theory. It assesses Jung's work, but doesn't treat MBTI types (if that's what you meant) as a personality, but simply how a mind processes info. According to this theory, introversion and extraversion is most about assessing the internal and external worlds, respectively, not necessarily one's social disposition. Subjective and objective information is more processed by the feeling and thinking functions, respectively.
