I've heard the first story before, the bf doesn't care what his gf wants at all. It might not be her place to meddle, but she would definitely not be the ahole.
I genuinely want to know what goes through the mind of a person who KNOWS that their partner is dead-set on not changing her name, and then they ENGRAVE A RING with a changed name. That has to be some kind of mental illness.
It kinda sounds like the beginnings of attempted isolation to be honest. Wants nothing to do with her people but wants her to be close to his people? Not respecting her desire to keep her name and trying to guilt and pressure her into it? The "this was my proposal, my family is your family" after actively excluding her family... Definitely red flags.
Story 1: if he is shutting her family and friends put of the engagement, he will likely try to shut them out of her life entirely after the wedding. This is a potential red flag for an abusive partner
As someone who managed to get out of an abusive marriage, he is trying to isolate her. this is like step 3 in the domestic abuser hand book. not only should she tell her friend but she should show proof of what he said. This man sounds dangerous.
"I'm a man who gets to run my woman's life. How dare she want autonomy overself and to uphold her family lineage by keeping her name! She must pay me back for my own financial mistake. Hark! I'll debt her for the ring!!" - bad proposal dude
Jep. He sounds very controlling. I doubt that he really cares about his GF. He just wants to marry her so that he can say he has a wife, and put more control on her. When my now-husband and I talked about our wedding, and what name to choose, I said I would be cool with a double -name, but I want my name still in it. He just said:"Well then let me just take on your Name, my name sucks anyways" 😂. His name sounds like a swear word and he hated it lol
I worked in the culinary industry for over 10 years. Chefs have an EXTREMELY high rate of substance abuse. (Not excusing the sister, she was definitely in the wrong. This story just reminded me of that.)
15ish years here, can confirm but never seen coke addict. I worked with a ton of drunks and pot-heads. High-end and high energy jobs don't see much grease I suppose.
I’m sorry, it might not be OP’s proposal in the first story. But it is clear he is trying to isolate her friend slowly from everyone else. He is in the beginning stages of abuse towards her friend. OP is lucky her friend finally stood up to him.
R/Slash was gushing over them taking the door away not because he really loved the punishment *THAT MUCH,* but because he was taking lessons from more experienced parents 😆😂 Dude had his notebook out and everything lol
Story 2: rSlash is right. Kudos to OP for understanding 14 year olds needs their privacy and installs a curtain instead of just leaving it wide open. Even though she's angry at her daughter, she still gives her daughter privacy. Bravo OP, not a single story I seen involving removing someone's door be so understanding. NTA. The daughter is an AH though, I know 14 year olds do crappy things sometimes, but come on, the slamming is becoming intentionally malicious.
@@Royalname31 Agreed, I was thinking how are curtains gonna help if it's the thin kind where you can just push out of the way, but when OP said it's the heavy kind of curtains, I already knew she's not the AH.
When she got mad and slammed it in her face, that was malicious. There's a good chance that prior to that she just wasn't paying attention to what she was doing. (And it's very possible that the door is just a particularly loud one.) But it doesn't matter. She had to be made to stop slamming and even be extra quiet with the door. If some time with no door is needed to get her to learn that, then that' a reasonable consequence.
In the begginig of the story I also thot that it was that kind of "slamming" parents yell at you after a spat. But if it is waking the whole family the issue is withe the kid ( even if the door are loud on their own, it doesn't take a genius to close them manually till the end, esspecially at night). The OP is soo right about the "no door" time
Pawning others stolen possessions is a classic junkie sign. It's not even just an addict sign because there are levels and types of addicts, this is coming from a recovering functioning addict. My brother would pawn his own crap and he had a pretty severe problem and is absolutely not a functioning addict, but I wouldn't even call him a junkie. This sister is a junkie and she is absolutely being enabled by her mom.
My mom was addicted to pharmaceuticals when I was a kid and always pawned our stuff. One week we'd have a TV, and the next we wouldn't. Very stressful growing up with and I'd always make the mistake of thinking we'd finally get to keep our christmas presents or our TV or our crappy tablets. I literally FELT OP's frustration in that post. My mom's fully recovered now but the memories of never really HAVING anything will always stick with me and makes me very passionate about situations like OP's. She needs to make it clear to her sister that she can't steal shit from her before it becomes a problem that financially affects OP. Calling her names is a bit harsh but if that's what it takes then so be it. And yes, the mom is 100% enabling the sister.
Junkies pretty much always steal from family and friends first. There's relatively easy availability, it's relatively easy to beg forgiveness/understanding, and no one really wants to prosecute their loved ones unless there's no other choice.
Yeah, this is my brother all over. Happily he’s been clean since his 20s but in his teens to early 20s he had a coke problem, too. I wanted my parents to throw him out after the gave me a bruise on my leg hauling me out of a box where I was hiding from one of his tirades. Mixed feelings on the fact that they didn’t; they had no golden child but I think they were worried about what could happen to him, and as a parent I feel that. But when he stole my SIL’s microwave and toaster that she had stored in the house, and sold them for drug money, she lost it and demanded to get them back and I think my parents ended up paying her for them. Was that the right way to handle it? I wouldn’t say so. I think he managed to beat the coke addiction but ended up a drunk and finally got clean after his wife gave him an ultimatum. Not sure if that would have worked as well from my parents. Either way… yeah, that’s junkie behavior. Didn’t think she’d be so upset by it? This woman has lost her grip on reality and needs a freaking intervention.
I'd still say addict sign. My brother was an alcoholic for years due to major debt his ex piled up. He's clean now. And dept free. And luckily he never looked towards drugs. But he'd steal cash and any booze. Didn't matter what kind of booze, even my 80% vodka that I bought to disinfect stuff went down the throat. It was just stored at the back corner of a cubby I store my cleaning stuff in so he went through stuff to find anything he could take without fam or friends noticing or at least not noticing any time soon. Fun times!😅
Story 3: I have a very simple saying, and I feel it applies here flawlessly. ‘You can’t be sorry for something you intentionally did’. Your sister intentionally stole from you so she could buy drugs, and your mother is angry at you for calling her a name that describes her perfectly. You need to go to the cops, because no one else in your sisters life is going to hold her accountable. You have proof that she did it, and that your mother is enabling her, so you need to show them that what they’re doing is wrong, because your mother is never going to be on your side.
You can't regret something you did? I'm assuming you can't apply that universally, because sometimes I say something, and I immediately start apologizing because I realize it was the worst possible thing to say, but I still get yelled at because I said it, no matter how many times I try to apologize.
Story 3: You weren’t wrong to call your sister what you did. She’s a junkie, your mom is enabling her, and it’s only going to get worse. If you have other family you can stay with or if you can take out a loan and move into a dorm, do it. Your sister is going to be living with your mom, stealing from her, and making everyone around her miserable for the next 10 years or more. If you really have to stay there, get a lock for your room and don’t give her any passwords.
I feel like yelling isn't the problem and she's NTA but calling her a coke whore was a bit out of line she has a serious problem and needs help which her mother isn't providing
The first story definitely NTA. Part of me thinks the BF is trying to isolate your friend from her family to make her easier to control. The excuse of this was private when asked about her parents coming makes me believe this is the case. OP be there to support your friend as she is going through a rough time. For the tickets story OMG you are absolutely NTA! Your sister stole your money for drugs and she needs a reality check! If she still refuses to pay you back I would file a police report on this. Even if nothing happens that will stick with your sister forever. Your mother is an AH and an enabler and if she wants to shield your sister than she should pay you.
That what I thought when he said "My family is Your family and that's it!' And he was so pissy he didn't want her last name change even though she stated its stays
I say the friend tell the girl about to be engaged. Sorry but OP knew this was happening and if they didn't tell the friend then their friendship is effectively over. THAT'S true friendship!
Yeah the first one of "don't do it" is because that's the best option to the friend his true color. Not legality over morality, I glad reddit didn't "ruin it" this time.
Last story: I'm not sure OP is being totally honest about how her fiance normally behaves when she says she's never seen this side of him. It's a little weird that she felt the need to stress no bedtimes so firmly before bringing him, like she knew how he'd be. I also have a hunch that he'll only get worse after they're married, maybe even to the point of not letting them go on the family trip if he can't enforce their home rules.
That's what I was thinking, too. Like, did he really not react at all when she told him about this? I'm betting he kept bringing it up in front of her family because he thought he could get them on his side. I'm glad OP stuck to it, though. The boys are 12 and 9, and they're only staying up until midnight at the latest for a single week? That's not really a lot. They're going to be just fine.
That's what I was thinking from the minute she started stressing "DONT enforce their bedtime!!!" Her fiancée 100% acts overbearing in some way at home. By the end I was like "Yeah, he 100% is a control freak and OP is aware of it to some extent"
At first I was wondering maybe OP really is correct that it doesn’t really effect her kids considering he’s been with her for years. Only because my experience with my mom and my special needs brother. Like I’m i’m preventing from my brother having his 4th Dr. Pepper with all the sugar and caffeine but mom goes “caffine doesn’t effect him that way, you don’t know him as much as I do”… then later he gets diarrhea and gets easily aggravated. But back to your point, that part where she needs to stern before hand is a good point that it REALLY needs to be drilled into his head. Yet still didn’t work
Knowing how important bed time routines are, I think everyone is harsh on the dad. My kids have set bed times and if they miss them they are difficult the next day. Needs to relax a bit but calling it a red flag it OTT
@@davidhughes8814 it’s not the fact that he’s upset over their bedtime routine being disrupted, but the way he’s behaving in response to it. It’s the huffing, the attitude, and the constant passive-aggressive comments to the kids in front of her family. Maybe it’s not a huge or major red flag, but… it’s still off color.
The first story hits home so much lol when my ex proposed to me while he was in the community theatre, he brought me up to the stage and did it on opening night. After all his friends and his family came by to congratulate us. I looked around and not ONE of my family or friends were there. I asked him where my family was and he said “oh they’re not here”. It absolutely broke my heart, he never even asked my dad for permission when I EXPLICITLY told him if we were every to get engaged he needed to ask my dad, he never did. OP is a real one for telling her friend, let her get out ASAP. I wish I would’ve left earlier.
The coke addict definitely deserves to be called names after doing that to her sister. She screwed over her sister on purpose and their parents are clearly enablers.
Door slam story: This sent shockwaves through me because I grew up mostly in my grandparents’ home which had a no locked doors and no slamming doors policy. Hearing that the daughter talked back and slammed the door multiple times at her mother made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck because I know my aunt got punished for the same thing as a teenager. In fact, since I had to move back home I decided to ask my grandma what she would have done in this situation and she said one slam would have gotten her the belt but five consecutive slams would have gotten her an early grave. 😂 The curtain idea is a good one though. That way she has privacy but she can’t slam the door.
When I was fourteen, I took my own door down and put up a curtain so my dog could get to food and water during the night instead of waking me up. My dad was fine with it.
I also grew up with my grandparents! We don't have locks in our house bc my nan has seizures but they don't understand the concept of knocking or privacy at all 😂😂 when I was younger we had a dumb rule that the door always had to be open unless it was night Now I'm 21 and they respect my privacy a little bit more but still forget to knock or tell me when they're coming in :')
@@lottiecharman6946we had a no lock policy in my house too, and a dad who didn't understand knocking and waiting for permission to enter. He eventually learned after several times of walking in on me mid-clothing change😂. (I'm very body-positive so it didn't really bother me/was in underclothes not nude). He tried to complain to my mom/his wife, but she set him strait lol
Story 3: No such thing as a "cocaine habit". It's an addiction. OP probably didn't need to call her sister a 'cokewhore' but the point is valid in spirit.
@@BronzeDragon133 I assumed it was a European mentality where drugs aren’t the problem. It’s the fault of the people that were robbed for not helping the drug addict. I’ve heard multiple times of Europeans blaming the victim instead.
Yes, 100%. "Habit" is such a stupid word to use when it comes to things like drugs and alcohol. If it's a habit, that means it's part of a routine so she's definitely hooked, because if she only did it once in a while it wouldn't be a habit.
Man the first boyfriend sounds like a stereotypical narcissist. "That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it." Looks like he made it to step 4.
Story 3 pisses me off cuz I sooooooo dislike parents who treat the bad child like they can do no wrong, but the good child is the “troubled one”. I say OP’s harsh name calling was mean but it was called for because she’s right! Why is it her “booger sugar” addict sister gets defended FOR STEALING yet OP is “in the wrong”??? OP is NTA in my book
This is just my suspicion. But sister is a golden child, that's why she does no wrong even for stealing. That's why she's also a junkie. And that's the reason why OP is "in the wrong".
For story 3, OP's mom claims that her sister's mess-up was "a mistake" but that's not what a mistake is- a mistake is doing something by accident, but OP's sister willingly put thought and planning into selling her sister's tickets for her own money and gain. She did it with intent.
OP in the last story definitely needs to keep her eye on her fiance. It starts small like that but eventually it'll get worse and could lead to abusive behavior
Remember, addicts do NOT get better on their own. They dont even see they have a problem until something greatly affects them. If you have an addict friend or family ignoring it is the worst thing you can do. You need to, maybe literally, slap them out of it. Disown them, distance yourself. Every time you see them bring up their problem. Addicts ARE UNABLE TO CHANGE WITHOUT SEEING THE PROBLEM
The government should be allowed to round up addicts (including alcoholics, heavy smokers, and people who "are useless without their coffee") and force them into rehab for the rest of their lives.
That may be true, but they have to want to change. No amount of interventions, bailing them out of their trouble, paying for rehab, scraping them off the floor when they hit rock bottom metaphorically or literally, will do any damn good unless they have the willpower to stay clean. How do I know? My brother had a drug addiction since high school and he died just before Thanksgiving last year at age 41. For years, they made it seem like he had some kind of mental illness. They said bipolar disorder, manic depression NPD, none of it was true. He grew up with no respect for boundaries, zero comprehension of the word no and absolutely no expectation of there being reprisals or consequences for his actions. Meaning he had no accountability. He was the golden boy. I can safely surmise, without fear of successful contradiction, that the reason he grew up with such a huge sense of entitlement and unable to function in the real world, was because my parents practically beatified and canonized him. Even after when we were in our early twenties, when he was high as a kite on crack cocaine, he tried to choke me out and I had to stab him with a sharp object to get him off of me (it was a superficial wound in his arm), my parents still didn't want to believe that he had a problem and I got crap for harming their baby. Their support started to wane as he got older because he kept going down the slippery slope of partying like a care-free teenager when he was in his 30s. My parents tried everything they could to save him. My dad crawled over broken glass to help get him clean up until his death of lung cancer at age 64. That was 12 years ago. My mom picked up the torch and tried to run to his rescue every time. He knew she would always be there, enabling him, making excuses for him, bailing him out of jail, getting him a car after he wrecked yet another one. He was on his tenth car in eleven years when he passed away, one she, like a total idiot co-signed on I might add--and with it being repoed after his death, she's stuck with the payments. The point of this soap opera, is they, the addicts, have to want to get sober and stay sober. It's about willpower. You can't make them change. In short, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
@@agentzapdos4960 absolutely not I can see why you'd say that but giving the government that power is the dumbest idea you could come up with what stops them from just doing this to people who don't have the problem just cause they don't like them
@@dungeonsanddragonshomebrew3165 not to forget the fact that many rehab centers just aren't actually equipped to handle their job, and people would see this as "easy money" to set up bad rehab centers.
Apart from curtain, another solution would be installing that mechanism that makes the door close slowly when opened and basically makes slamming impossible (not sure what's it called)
It’s just a door closer lol. Some of them have fancier names like pneumatic door control, or hydraulic door closer. But it’s really just an air brake on a door lol.
As good as an idea as that would be (especially for when they reinstall the door) for the punishment it wouldn’t really work cause that’s not exactly a consequence. She wouldn’t learn anything from that and would probably just grow more malicious and uninstall it
Yo that would be funny. The pissed off teenager in a rebalious mood trying with all her might to SLAMM the door. But instead it just gently drifts back into place like the door of a parking garage.
The first story I a giant red flag for abuse. The biggest early sign is isolation. If you ever see this being done, especially on that level, you need to tell the person your concern before they get in too deep, or at the least make clear that nomatter what they can always turn to you for support.
story 4: Ignoring the mother's wish for parenting, controlling behavior, gaslighting, and blatant disrespect. That is enough to break up. This person is screaming abuser, run like your life depends on it, it might.
I bet he thought that they were going to be having sex every night that week and didn’t communicate that plan with op. He’s mad because he’s horny and the kids being up is cutting into “sexy time”. He thinks once they go to bed he’ll be able to convince her.
Daughter is 14 not 4, she’s plenty old enough to understand common courtesy and respect for others, playing the “she’s just a kid” card isn’t doing her any favors, especially not with the tantrum she threw by slamming the door multiple times.
It isn’t that she’s just a kid, it’s that they should be trying to understand the acting out and why she’s acting like it, not HUST to punish with no communication. I hope OP actually tried to communicate about it and not just punish her. Otherwise that kid isn’t gonna talk to her parents again when she leaves the house
It's so weird. One moment, folks are like: She's 16, put her on the hook for 6k worth of vet bills for something that was an accident and a result of a girl rushing to school, next minute they are like: Well, she's only 14. She might not understand that slamming the door repeatedly, after being told not to repeatedly, is bad.
Story 3: I don't think there is a job out there involving being a food cook where you develop a cocaine habit. If she hasn't become a cocaine addict, she will soon if she keeps up this behavior of stealing and lying. And the mom is backing her up? Yeah, if the sister winds up overdosing or getting arrested because of her coke habit, the mom should get some blame for enabling it.
Many many cooks, servers, and bus boys have both alcohol and cocaine issues. It’s unfortunately common in the United States. I have chefs in my family and friend groups and they tell me about those problems with staff.
OMW: Turning a blind eye to a coke habit is one thing, but overlooking stealing is next level. OP was too nice, I would have gone nuclear. Who needs a sister like that. She should just be NC'd until she gets herself clean and admits her fault.
It’s a HUGE issue in the industry along with alcoholism. When I worked in the high end food industry 90% of the chefs were alcoholics, addicted to coke or both. I also traveled as part of my job and this did not change where I traveled
Hey Rslash. I work in a Cajun seafood kitchen. I don't use any substances outside the occasional drink after my shift. However, I can confirm that some locally owned and run restaurants will allow their staff (in some rare cases encourage) to take illegal stimulant drugs. This is most common among "head chefs" and other super-busy workers on the line. It is by no means every chef or every resturaunt, but it is definitely more common than it should be.
Story 2: I wonder if it would be worth having her hearing tested? She may have frequency loss and think they're being ridiculous and over sensitive because it's not that loud. Probably she's just being a thoughtless brat but they do say she's a good kid in every other regard.
I was thinking there may be some kind of pressure issue in her room. Whenever I open my bedroom window for example, I have to be very careful when closing my door because it will slam if I try to close it normally. Op may want to check the room for breaches in the wall.
Fourth story: I also feel his mask is slipping, and he feels frustrated because OP is surrounded by family, so he has no say and the frustration grows because he can't have things his way.
Story 4: You know, i’ll ask the burning question: if Op moves out, and sister starts stealing from Mom & Dad…i wonder if they would be mad? Clearly sister “just made a mistake” right? NTA Op, tbh while reading this story i was wondering why your sister was acting this way, and given how much your mother enables her, that pretty much gave it away. Let this be a lesson and lock down ALL your stuff. Good luck
If OP's mother is anything like mine, then OP would still be at fault, only this time for 'having the nerve' to take away her belongings so that 'sister is forced to steal from the parents instead.' There are no limits to the mental gymnastics that type of parent would go through to protect the golden child and blame the scapegoat.
The last story I feel is less about the kids keeping a schedule and more about either losing his control or not getting the treatment most men are thinking of after the kids go to bed.
I also think there's stuff missing from the story... like... why is he so insistent on the bedtime? Can he only be intimate with the mother when the kids are in bed and they're cockblocking him? Are the boys very loud, unruly and misbehaved and he can only get a moment of peace and quiet once they're in bed (although he should have skipped on the vacation if this was the case)? Is the mother's behaviour different when the kids are awake as opposed to when they're in bed - for example she's constantly running around, cleaning up after them, being overall busy and he can't get them to relax together and he hoped she'd calm down in a vacation retreat as opposed to their everyday life? I don't know... I mean maybe it's about control, but there could be a ton of other reasons and I just think this story is inherently missing crucial details. I think it's one of those stories where you can't just give a butthole score, because - thinking about some of the kids in my daughter's class - I'd be really irritated about having them around any longer than absolutely necessary, too. Maybe he just feels like it isn't his place (yet?) to call her out about some of her parenting decisions? I don't know... just... knowing kids, I can think of a ton of situations where he'd not be the bad guy, wanting the kids in bed... but on the other hand... he'd be better off with another girlfriend and not marrying her, as well...
The way he speaks about it and the entitlement reminds me of a certain narcissistic childbeater I had to live with for the first 14 years of my life, And the way he always demanded I get off the PC after exact amounts of time or he'd start shouting and threatening shit even when being told by my mother to lay off, And him constantly demanding shit for no reason other than control.
With the door slamming one, my parents did the same thing with me years ago for the EXACT same reason. They made sure I still had privacy, and while I was mad at the time, I know now that they had the right idea. I'm glad these parents did the same and still allowed her privacy while also taking care of the problem
With the 4th story I feel the mother deserves I higher negative score, she is basically allowing her daughter to become an addict Golden child while disregarding their other child (bet its not the only time this has happened as well)
Joanne got caught for selling the Tickets but who knows what else she took . OP Family needs to start keeping a Eye on Joanne and see if other things go missing.
on the door story: one could also (if one had the money) get one of those 'automatic door closers' im not sure how common they are in other places but here they are fairly easy to get, basically its a metal arm connected to the wall above the door and the other end of it is attached to the door, if you leave the door open the arm will automatically close it, if you get one with sufficient strength its 110% IMPOSSIBLE to slam the door and i imagine the resistance takes the fun out of it too
THIS! FUCKIN THIS! No one else if talking about this as the alternative! They're like 20-30 bucks! Takes the fun out of slamming the door! I don't care what your reasoning is, taking the door is fucked up. Put up countermeasures to prevent slamming or better yet, actually talk to your kid and figure out why they only slam their door
@@FallenAngel_Gaming they did talk to the brat. Start reading the story before you write next time. And not like they left a gaping hole, they put a heavy curtain to let her keep her privacy. What happened was 100 % fair.
@@FallenAngel_Gaming in this case the daughter had been asked several times to stop and was warned of the exact consequences. While I agree that removing a door isn't the best solution, OP actually considered stuff like privacy and installed a curtain
She knew the consequences and the little b choose to lose her door by mouthing off and slamming the door 5 times. If I had done that my consequences would have been immediate and much worse. Which is why my siblings and I didn't pull nonsense like that. Spending money as a work around enlieu of parenting would only create a worse brat.
@@miniman649 you and I have different definitions of talking to someone. All they did was tell her to stop without taking the effort to determine why she was doing what she did. I don't fuckin care that they put a curtain up, that doesn't provide the same level of privacy which is something a teen needs. I hope to fuckin god you never have kids 💀💀💀
With the daughter's door, I'd suggest examining the door to see if there's anything strange about it, like an exterior door had accidentally been installed for her room instead of an interior one. For those that don't know, an interior door is mostly hollow and only blocks light and some sound, pretty much the curtain, but swings out as a solid panel and can be more securely locked, while an exterior door has a great deal more heft to it to make it more secure when locked and also block heat to help insulate the house it's installed on.
Regardless there is still a difference between closing a door loudly and slamming. And even if that was the case daughter would still know how to gently close the door if she cared about others
Story 3: The mom gets the full 5 out of 5 score. She is not just enabling the teft (which by itself should earn her a harsher score than what Rslash gave her), but actively refraining from pushing against the other Sister from getting help. She is not punishing the addict sister (which would not be a good reaction, but better than nothing), she is covering the sister's crimes up, and I'd sincerely ger whiplash if we found out she is in any way trying to nudge the addict sister into getting help. Edit: screaming in that situation is not harsh. Calling the police would have been harsh. Pawning HER things to cover up the loss would have been harsh and maybe too far. Screaming is quite tame, and the fact that the sister and mother guilttripped her into apologizing is messed up.
And if the police don’t want to do anything, OP can provide them with the invoice showing an address to a known drug dealer. And in turn this may could lead to Joanne having a mandatory drug testing
The coke story isn't too surprising to me. Part of why I ultimately decided not to pursue my dream of owning a restaurant was that a lot of people in the industry usually smoke cigs or do coke or whatever to keep up the energy. Made me realize that I would actually be hella tired and stuff with it and I didn't think it was worth it pursuing a dream if it was gonna just tire me out and run me down - cuz I know myself well enough to know that I'd probably eventually develop a vice and I just didn't wanna risk it. I've done enough therapy to work on one vice before and turn it back into a habit, don't wanna go down that road again.
Story 1: I think RSlash is right in that it’s OP’s friend’s fiancé’s proposal to mess up, and oh boy didn’t he 😂 I’m actually glad he didn’t listen to OP about involving her so it turned out good, because yeah that would just have hidden the red flags until after the wedding (or, more likely, throughout the planning process).
For the door story, I have a door that just slams randomly in the house. Like I will shut it with the same force as any other door, but it will slam. I never slam doors as it’s loud and disruptive to everyone I’m the house. I am aware of it, but sometimes early in the morning when I am tired, I will slam the door. Maybe that’s what she’s doing, but then slamming the door 5 times was crazy. Even the attitude with the “what” is understandable because it’s the middle of the night and someone’s trying to talk to you, but slamming the door 5 times is crazy.
There are very few reasons to take a door from a teenager. 1. Extremw Safety concerns 2. As a consequence with ample warning The curtain idea is brilliant though! As a mom, I'm shamelessly putting that one in my tool box for emergency use.
Speaking as a very caring friend who would go to the ends of the earth to protect my friends, the friend in the first story is not in the wrong. I 100% agree that they shouldn't meddle, but I understand their intentions very well, and they're not coming from a place of malice. I was in a similar situation recently when a dear friend of mine got back together with an ex who is a manipulative and violent douchebag, but she didn't want to see it even if I made it clear that I was reluctant to encourage her. The best thing I could do was to just tell her to be careful and that I would always be there for her, and when they inevitably broke up for good, I was there to comfort her and help her back on her feet. She told me that she knew that getting back together with him was possibly a bad idea, but she wanted to see if he truly had changed like he said. So yeah, don't meddle, but if your intuition is correct and things go wrong, the best thing you can do is be there to support your friend in the fallout. My mum says that sometimes you need to just let your friends hit their head against the wall so they can come to the realisation that it hurts, and the best thing a good friend can do for them is to give them an ice pack and paracetamol afterwards. (edited bc grammar and spelling)
"All I want is for you to be happy." It's a perfectly true statement, then you stand back and support your friend when everything goes to hell in a very small handbasket.
@@seabass819 Refining your wonderful idea, I recommend ice cream which involves lashings of chocolate and pretty much any genre of movie but a rom com. Oh, and enough alcohol to get them to the point they release their emotions, preferably in gales of laughter, but in tears if necessary. Ive been through both release types, both as support and the newly-single.
Agreed. I’m of the opinion that people shouldn’t interfere with others unless someone is actually going to get physically hurt. It’s like you said, sometimes people have to hit their heads against a wall to realize it hurts. Some lessons can only be learned the hard way as sad as that is. My mom had to learn that lesson the hard way. My grandma knew my dad was an a$$ but never said anything about it but she knew it wasn’t going to end well but still said nothing. And when the inevitable happened she didn’t even say “I told you so” and just automatically stepped in to help. Later on I asked why she never said anything and she responded “sometimes people have to learn things the hard way, and when that happens the best thing to do is say nothing and just be there for them in the aftermath”.
as a teenager, the curtain idea sounds really cool lol. if i didn't have a baby brother and cats that i occasionally need to keep out of my room, i'd consider asking my parents for that
The tea on that first story is boiling!! Second story: the daughter is the Asshole, she literally disregarded a reasonable request....also....I was taught since a little kid to NOT slam doors, she's got no defense Third story: DON'T APOLOGIZE AND SUE!!
Suing in the third story would be more expensive than not but I'd definitely call the police and have Joanne busted for buying cocaine. It's harsh, but it may knock some sense into her.
Last story: I think loosing control might be the issue. But I think it's more simple then that. The kids are up later so there's less privacy and adult alone time and more tired cause the kids are up late so it could be the case he's just getting any "adult snuggle time"
Judging by the fact OP literally had to WARN him EXTENSIVELY about this, I doubt he's just angry about less privacy. If he goes on a fucking FAMILY vacation with his future in-laws and expects to have sex every night then he has a problem. And if he gets that openly bratty about not being able to bang his fiance, then he needs to get a grip.
Story 2: I’d say the one and only time it’s okay to remove a teenager’s door is when she’s literally using the door to antagonize the whole family. Preserving her privacy was important, and the curtain accomplished that. I agree that the root cause needs to be addressed, my guess is she’s rage scrolling on social media at night and that’s why she’s up at all.
The story about the door was the first time I’ve never been angry at the parent before, and I was also pleasantly surprised about the curtain because it is such a good idea. I wonder why the daughter was being like that, though that’s such a weird thing for her to do.
Story 3: it is incredibly common for people to do coke or be an addict to other things as a cook. That does not mean it should be normalized because everyone does it. It’s one of the toxic things about the restaurant industry.
With the slamming story, I'm concerned there might be something more going on there. Whilst NTA, I suggest having a serious sit down with their daughter and asking what's up.
yea I heard this story on Vincey's channel, and while I can't entirely say the parents are AH, it seems like they went straight to taking her door off instead of having a conversation with her about why she keeps slamming doors. IMO, if she keeps slamming doors repeatedly and only her door, she may be in need of help and support that she isn't currently getting.
As the father of a 14 year old... Currently there, talk to them constantly, and he's still an ahole for no good reason; sometimes he doesn't even know why he's being one. This was a good, measured response, with lots of warnings.
*First OP:* -It sounds like OP wants what's best for her friend, and the friend's boyfriend -_-does-_- sound self-serving. She could probably help her friend dodge a bullet. OP WNBTA.- Never mind; I'm an idiot. OP should've just let her boyfriend cook. OP sounds like a kind person the way she explained things to her friend. *Second OP:* OP and her husband tried asking nicely and warned their daughter not to slam the door again, but she didn't listen. OP even made sure her daughter will still have privacy with the curtain. OP is NTA. *Third OP:* Joanne _stole_ OP's money! Was calling her a c0k3wh0r3 (spelled that way because YT) harsh? Yes, but Joanne should be lucky that was _all_ OP did. OP is NTA, and I hope Joanne gets sober. *Fourth OP:* Why does OP's fiance care so much about the boys staying up past their bedtime? He's being both embarrassing and weird. OP is NTA, and she should have a talk with her fiance to see what's up.
Honestly, I've called my cousin a drunk F to his face. Boozing A-hole. Alcoholic F-up. Drunken clown. The list is endless. The power dynamic sounds about the same as with my cousin; family golden child vs. the ne'er-do-well scapegoat. Hopefully Joanne doesn't take every opportunity to hit her sister like the boozy mess did with most of us and learns her lesson before drinking too much Coke kills her (rephrase for RU-vid) the way the booze did my cousin. On the up side, the scapegoats tend to go on and do fine in life. I work for a medical company as a documentation person. Hopefully her sister stays with college and moves on with her life, gets some therapy, and realizes her own worth.
For the 4th OP, I was actually wondering if the issue has to do with the fiance having issues with not feeling in control. Not because he's controlling, but rather because he has a different issue that makes him agitated/uncomfortable when he feels like he's lost control of a situation.
Story 3: my uncle was like this. My grandma would defend him when he was drugging out. Through out my childhood he do stuff like steal lie and bring horrible people around. My god how I hated the last time he drugged out and said he hears Angels. I have still massive aggression towards him if he brings up drugs. He also apologized to his drug usage to my sister someone who so lacks with drugs. If he done that to me I let him know what he done for most of my childhood and let it all out. Trust me it builds up and even talking to a therapist it still doesn’t help. He stole money when my mom was pregnant laughed in her face said “life tough”. I wanted to hate him more but I stopped cause he has a kid and seems to be sober. But the minute I hear he is losing his kid over drugs or he back. I don’t think I be able to control myself I don’t want a kid yelled at for being a kid playing toy cars on the wall cause “what your the police”. This is only to me I know other addicts that got sober and it hard. This is only my experience with drug addiction family members.
People use the term “red flag” way too often on Reddit. I like to use “yellow flag” when I think it applies. It works well for things I don’t automatically see as relationship-ending, but are issues that need to be addressed before moving forward.
In regards to the proposal post, I knew how to contact all of my ex’s family after a year of dating. Her foster parents, her brothers, and her mom who was homeless and didn’t have a phone. That dude was SLACKING hard.
re the door slamming story: One thing I noticed no one seemed to take into consideration about the constant door slamming is that, that will break/damage the door and/or door frame eventually. Which is going to cost SO much more to replace than just, taking it off bit a bit and replacing it with a heavy curtain. Not to mention, it could get stuck and depending on which side of the door she'll be one she'll either get stuck in her room or locked out of it. Or it won't be able to close anymore.
Story 3: Having some kind of a "habit" is actually VERY common in the restaurant industry, but it's mostly either weed, booze, or shrooms depending on the area. Wait staff have to maintain a friendly demeanor somehow I guess. It's gotta be a place that either pays well, or one of the managers is the dealer for it to be coke. At least in the US. Story 4: According to OP's comments, this isn't the only time he's done the "passive aggressive" thing. The kids' bio dad is still in the picture so he's not quite a step-parent. He had issues with OP wearing a sports bra in front of the kids, and hates that there's an open door policy for the fridge and thinks the kids should ask for every snack and hates that they're allowed to drink something before bed so he definitely has controlling aspects of him that she admittedly overlooked, even though she set ground rules at the start..
Can confirm that coke is a huge thing in the restaurant industry. My longtime friend and former roommate has worked as a cook, manager, waiter, busser and bartender at various restaurants. He told me once that coke habits are rampant - even up to the level of the restaurant owners - because it's a means to have enough energy and stamina to handle such a hectic, stressful, fast-paced environment. It was even further confirmed later on when I had to have a chat with him after finding a powder-caked section of drinking straw on the counter in our bathroom. Fortunately, he stopped.
Story 3: Former chef here. Drugs are rampant in the culinary world, but coke isn't common in places I worked, and I worked in multiple states in the US. Most of what I saw was pot and alcohol but there was a guy with a meth problem that didn't last long (the guy, not the problem). Cooks/ chefs don't make that much, and they work long hours. I saw a lot of people chugging various energy drinks to get going at the start of the day, smoking cigarettes during smoke breaks, then a lot of people chugging beers or smoking joints to slow down at the end of the night. I did hear about some harder stuff (Adderall and oxy mostly), but not coke. Admittedly, I didn't last long in the industry bc I didn't have the right coping mechanisms either and turned antisocial, so it's possible coke was there and I didn't see it.
So many people just take the door down. The best thing to do is what MY dad did to me… he put a thin, foam weather strip down the frame of my door. The first time I tried to slam my door, I was shocked! But the foam weather stripping allowed me to maintain privacy while also preventing the door slamming. My dad was pretty brilliant!
Story 1: If I was OP, I would be similarly furious about the lack of respect of what my friend would want. But she has to trust her friend to be able to handle it, without prewarning. It could go off the rails if the friend blames OP for ruining the relationship.
i've had the door-replaced-with-curtain punishment before and honestly? its not actually that horrible a punishment. not only does it keep privacy, but it also humbles the kid, no matter how angry or upset or sad they get over their door being taken. i spent an entire year with a curtain as my door, and while i was mad that whole year, it did teach me to be a bit more mindful of volume and a lot more mindful of the others in the house
The last story kinda hits home. He's a mega control freak and this is the start, it may just stay as he wants to make sure the kids go to be but more than likely it's going to escalate into anything else he can get control wise. I wouldn't say leave him but op has to start keeping him in check a lot more now that he's making this an issue.
I'd say leave him. This is a dealbreaker. People don't become less controlling. Already the fact that she had to read him the riot act before they even got there means she knows he has problems in this area.
u know kids need sleep and rules to grow up with respect . Kids need 10 to 12 hours depends on the age . U can tell he love them kids 🤣 She should be happy that her soon to be husband care for kids. Rules are good when it comes to sleep in video games No one wants a cranky kid on vacation when over tried not stop crying and complaining
I would leave. Why would I want to spend an entire relationship monitoring & correcting a controlling manchilds midbehavior? While also raising kids that aren't his!! A partner is there for love & support, why waste your time raising an extra child somebody else should've already raised? Nevermind the example this sets for her boys on relationships etc.
Story#4: The fiancee shouldn't be parenting her kids. He could be very rigid about routines and that is why he is bothered. I agree it is a control issue that is troubling.
Story 3 - No More Door Has to be a non ethnic family or something because me coming from a Caribbean household I knew slamming the door was one of the worst things I could possibly do. My ass would of got WHOOPED if I did that so I knew better Lmaoo 😂😂
1st story: OP didn't meddle, BF didn't have her friends or family there, his PARENTS held a sign that said "welcome to the family Mrs. Insert his last name", she is Ukrainian and doesn't want to change her last name and has told him this. He also had his last name engraved on the engagement ring. She asked about her friends and parents, he gave excuses. She gave him the ring back, went to her parents, they of course had no clue (Op asked about the engagement in a joking way apparently to the parents). Himbo called OP and screamed at her for not coming. Gf went to OP and OP did tell her she knew about the proposal and had warned him. GF is breaking up with himbo and is currently staying with her parents.
He's definitely just trying to control hee. He isolated her in a room full of his supporters, ignored her wishes about her last name, and engraved it on the ring as "oh well, its final now", then said "it's MY proposal. Just be grateful. Besides MY family is the only family you need" The friend should run as far as possible. He's trying to get her away from her own support system in order to force her into big decisions. This will ultimately leas to him doing the same when deciding other big things, like where they live, whether they have children, whether she works or not. I may be jumping to conclusions but that's what it seems like.
Slamming story - NTA. Another possible solution would have been to put an automatic soft closer on the door. That way she'd still have a solid, lockable door but wouldn't be able to slam it. I do think it's worthwhile to investigate why this is happening in the first place.
I just said this in another thread, lol. It's a great idea and it gives them the chance to figure out wtf is going on. It's gotta be an attention thing at this point. Maybe she feels jealous of her younger siblings and wants attention on her so she slams the door? Idk. It's just a weird thing to me.
My friend's brother used to slam his door all the time and one day I went over to discover the door had been replaced with cardboard. The hinges and the door latch were all still there, but the door itself was cardboard, just barely holding shut.
@@judahtheurer8167 Could be, but it seems like that would be easily noticeable and that the girl would have brought that up to try and defend herself if that were the case.
@@taylorlibby7642 that would mean that we would have to have a reliable narrator meaning that we only have one side of an argument that being the mom trying to get a NTA
Story 3: it's not that it's "normal" per say but it's unfortunately very common that people in the restaurant industry will develop drug addictions due to the stress of the job. It's sort of an inside joke/open secret that almost everyone in a kitchen is on drugs. Mostly because you'd have to be on drugs to be able to handle it in the first place.
Story number 2 was perfection. I was also ready to be like "Look I get that it sucks but you cannot take away her door that's actually child abuse and she needs privacy" but the curtain solution is certified genius. Well fucking done, that is chefs kiss.
As a former waitress for about 4 years yea the addiction rates in the service industry is insane. I knew a lot of cooks who did molly, a couple who did meth and other drugs, mostly people just smoke a lot of devils lettuce and dissociate through their shifts but some people feel like they need the energy boost from an upper
Well remember, Joanne has a job and pays rent so she’s wonderful whereas OP is a deadbeat who doesn’t give them money. Please tell me I don’t have to explain that I’m being sarcastic?
Yea, sometimes you just have to let a total wreck like this play out and hope your friend is smart enough to see the BS. I'm glad she waited because there was no better way to show friend how selfish he was being but by letting it happen they were able ton SEE it on their own...
No more door story - the heavy curtain is an okay idea, but in the near future find a door she can’t slam like before so she can lock her room. If her brothers steal from her, then you would be responsible. Many other scenarios where she would need a door that locks for her room.
“Not your place to meddle” BF is choosing to get OP involved so yeah it is her place to warn her friend and at least give her a heads up. I’d be devastated if someone I knew was aware of something going on that was gonna hurt my feelings and just didn’t say anything.
OP’s friend is fortunate enough that her ex Goatse’d himself with the proposal, she would’ve been miserable if she continued to put up with his undesirable traits all the way to marriage.
I worked at two different chain restaurants during college, both of them all the line cooks were on coke. At the one they used to go do lines on the baby changing station in the men's room.
Story #2 I've heard this one already and to repeat what I said last time: "I agree, NTA, because the parents did find a solution. Where their daughter's privacy was still being held with respect, but I agree with the door, slamming is not something to be taken lightly, because not only is she disturbing everyone else’s sleep but one of these days she could slam it so hard to where the door would either break where it can’t be open or closed or she’s locked in or out to where the only option would be to take the door down also, their daughter needs to learn this lesson now instead of in college, because if she were to continue this type of behavior she would not only cause issues with not only her roommates but also the people in the dorm to where she could get kicked out."
For the kid who lost her door. Same thing happened to me- slammed my door once during a fight. My dad grabbed the powerdrill, took the door off , handed me the screws and told me not to lose them. I didnt even get a curtain. I learnt that lesson VERY quickly
As someone who's entire dating history is cooks, yes. Cheifs/line cook/cooks in general at LEAST 80% have tried, actively addicted or were addicted at one point. It's honestly the most common issue w cooks ontop of drinking/alcoholism
the girl in the first story really dodge the bullet but I think there is a few times the not my monkey not my circus rule can be thrown out of the window. second story as words of a comedian "14 years are the meantes people ever" but yeah I wonder why she was in foul mood no way she that angry on a day-to-day base for no reason. story 2: AND the parents are doing nothing to the thief that stole.(drug addict or not ) story 3: red flag and someone got control issues (also the comment in front of OP mom)
Honestly that curtain idea is a smart one and has given me an idea, we recently redone my office / 3d printing room and took the door down to replace it, before finding out the frame is some old size that doesn't have doors made for it, any carpenter wants £200+ to fit a new one. Putting a curtain up over it will at least serve the job of covering the entrance for me for less money.
The door slamming door reminded me of when my 4'10" mom spartan kicked my door off the hinges when I had slammed my door after we had gotten into an argument when i was around 13/14. I didn't have a door for 9 months but i understood that was my punishment. That's what happens when you disrespect your parents. Don't be a lil disrespectful shit.
First story: That guy seems incredibly controlling, I'm glad he screwed up enough to make her realize that she needs to get out. If she would've actually married him, I could see financial and verbal abuse in her future. Second story: As long as she still has privacy (in the form of the curtain), NTA. I do question why the daughter does this though, I'm sure there's a reason that OP isn't telling us about
1st Story - Kick that Jackwagon to the curb. If he's like this now, it's unlikely he'll improve after the wedding. If you choose to stay with this jerk, be prepared to sacrifice your wants and needs for the rest of the relationship.
I am 14. I am barely dramatic, I am not entitled at all. I am the funny guy who finds the best stuff on yt to put in voice chats. There is something wrong if you have to slam the door every single time you enter and exit your room. The girl definitely has a problem. Also, entitlement and drama usually comes when you are 16. Edit: I would like to point out something that wasn't mentioned. When op confronted her daughter about it, she was very disrespectful. And when op told her what the consequences would be, she embraced them by slamming the door harder than before.
@@chriscarpenter3370 I understand what you are saying, but when an issue like this interrupting sleep for 4 other people. With 2 adults that need to wake up early for work, and 2 kids who need to wake up early for school, it is a problem. May I ask what you would in this situation?
@@chriscarpenter3370 I'm pretty sure taking off the door nob ain't gonna do much. She can still slam it, it would just become an inconvenience when opening and closing the door. I would do the exact same thing that op did.
Story 1: Now, I would be that friend, who meddled, but in the sense that I would've voiced my opinions on the guy, loud and clear, so she knew where I stood and how his behavior looked to others. It's not my business how my homegirl deals with her relationships, but it *is* my business to let her know, when she's dating a narcissist, so she's at least aware of the red flags, even if she doesn't act on them until it becomes too much for her to deal with. I'd have hinted that he might do this, without saying anything directly, maybe, just as a heads-up. Story 2: NTA. If you can't respect the other people you live with's boundaries, you get to suffer the consequences. End of. Nothing abusive about what OP is doing, and the kid can get her door back at any time, if she admits she was being an asshole and learns to listen to other people's very reasonable requests for quiet, when they sleep. Story 3: NTA, even if what OP said was very harsh. The mom's enabling her thieving addict golden child, and the sister is in dire need of a reality check. Maybe being called exactly what she's turning into might shake her awake enough to realize she's getting in too deep? We can hope. Godspeed to OP, and ffs, hide your valuables until it's possible to move out. Story 4: Wait, are these even his kids? Fiancée needs to respect OP is the one, who gets a say in how her kids get to act during a vacation, first and foremost, and if she asks him to cut the crap, it's incredibly immature to continue to passive-aggressively sigh and moan over her decisions. It's a holiday, dude! Lighten tf up!
Substance abuse is very common place in the restaurant industry. Regardless of your position in a restaurant you will see some kind of abuse. From alcohol to hard narcotics, addicts to casual users you'll find them all in the restaurant industry. I've been in the culinary business since '09 and I've seen so many friends lose themselves to their vice.
The coke story (just adding this because rslash asked about it): there is a bit of a cocaine problem in certain kitchens, particularly super fast paced kitchens with hellish hours. Obviously this isn't in every kitchen, or even most kitchens, but it does seem to happen more in that job than in other ones.
