SELECTIVE MUTISM|Purple Ella 

I often still can't talk when there is pressure. I just can't make my mouth go. I didn't realize that it was a thing until I was an adult.

I'm realizing I spent lots of my young years being mistreated and berated because of my mutism. By teachers and parents alike, consistent verbal abuse because of it. Teachers liked to call out my name to answer their questions and ll I'd do is stare at them blankly, not answering. It made everyone in the classroom uncomfortable, but I saw no point answering. It's like I shut down. I can think, my mouth simply will not move to form the words. I've gone my entire life as an undiagnosed autistic. The amount of times I have been ostracized and slighted because of my biology is unprecedented.

This needs more views. This needs to be talked about more. People have gotten mad at me my entire life for my SM. It still happens even now, because no one knows this is a thing.

I also had selective mutism as a child and it's interesting how you say you would study people because I did the exact same thing. Even now I like to watch and listen to people interacting with each other. And now in January I am starting school to pursue a degree in psychology!

Kids with undiagnosed SM grow up to be adults who still have SM tendencies like me😢

I was publicly mute especially for most of my kindergarten year, and after that, I was very quiet but would speak when directly addressed. Ros has a lot of good insight; I did spend a lot of my quiet time studying people, and I totally had a "why bother" attitude, especially the younger I was; it seems paradoxical, but I was a very cynical toddler. I actively role played "being a human" after I decided I'd have to interact; I memorized "how humans act in this scenario" examples.

Excellent book that "The Reason I Jump" I have had selective mute moments all through my life, especially when anxious. My experiences were sadly more of the "Why are you not saying anything? Cat got your tongue? Come on speak up!" Variety. This doesn't help at all

I didn't think that I would relate to this video, but I did way more than I was expecting. I can't get words out sometimes, even if I know I should respond. A lot of people will say something about the awkward silence, but to me, it feels fine. I can't really respond when I should, and other times, I just don't feel like it's necessary. I've learned that it's easiest to hide in my room, so I don't have to respond. It's bad when I'm in the car with someone, or at school. I go places with my mom a lot, and she tries to make conversation, but sometimes I just can't respond, so I tend to nod, or give her some sort of acknowledgment, but it gets awkward since she expects me to say something. Similar things tend to happen at school.

I was like that for much of my childhood. My dad was a special ed teacher so he spotted neurodivergent signs relatively early on, though I was diagnosed with ADHD rather than Autism back then. He would push me to talk during certain situations and refused to let me completely shut down. In school, I was supposed to raise my hand at least once per class either to answer a question or ask one. And during social events, I was tasked with finding at least one person to have a conversation with. After that, I could stay quiet as much as I wanted. As much as I complained back then, the method really did help. I'm still not the best at talking, but I know enough to be considered "normal".

I've never been per say called Socially Mute..., like it's not for me a condition. Really it's more of a reaction in my case, if anyone gets what I mean? I've been known to go mute or partially mute at various points in my life. I would respond if addressed but otherwise wouldn't engage in conversation. These times tend to revolve around major life struggles like my parents divorce when I was young, daily bullying at school in my teenage years, and a toxic work environment as an adult. Essentially I go mute when in a major depressive episode.

I can remember being a first or second grader and having a classmate say to me, “So you CAN talk!” I don’t remember what I said to prompt this. I don’t even remember ever being unresponsive when addressed. But I still don’t have the impulse to talk just because I’m around another person, and small talk has never been for me.

Prefer the term situational mutism. I don’t have the ability to select when I can’t speak.

I could easily relate to this autism video I remember during my early childhood years I used to have a hard time verbally processing my words I could hear them in my head but was unable to speak them properly thankfully my speech therapy help me a lot during my middle school I still have some speech problem but not as serve as my past childhood.

At 7:04 Ros starts holding the dog. You’re welcome.

I think I still have a mild version of selective mutism, where I simply don't understand the necessity to get to know new people, but I will talk just because I learned that it's expected of me.

A lot of this resonates with me. I think my selective mutism was a mix of not wanting people to notice me, and just finding the act of talking to people I wasn't comfortable with extremely tiring. I still get that sometimes and really have to push through it to be able to speak. I also found it extremely difficult to start talking to some people after years of not talking to them, because I knew some people would make a big deal about it, so even after deciding I had to change and get better with talking, it took going to high school and having that fresh start to be able to talk to people. I managed better in high school with it, but I'm still quite shy and find it hard to talk sometimes I think it's a good point about how sometimes it's nice to just be with people without having to talk the whole time, sometimes I feel really close to people like my boyfriend and best friend when we're just sitting together, doing our own things or doing an activity together Thanks for these videos. I'm not diagnosed with autism but I think I may be autistic and either way, it helps hearing someone else have the same experiences

Ros makes a good point at around 6:30; there's nothing I'd enjoy more than doing chores and running errands if it's with someone I love. I find time so much more valuable than words.

Ros seems exceptional. Had to say it lol. Wow

Very interesting. I also like u and Ros:) I grew up learning and thinking that not answering or not talking much is somehow impolite. They never told me that it's not necessarily a choise and that even if it is a choise, it's equally okay. I'm autistic and always felt terrified when I had to speak in class. But 'not talking' never was presented as one of the options. It's weird to think about how the existing social rules are excluding so many people who are not comfortable with the way things are. Good that u are creating some selective mutism awareness! 👏

Non-verbal moments: I have even had non-verbal moments with my friend on the phone, sometimes 15 minutes or more. She didn't like a lot of talking either, and if we ran out of words it was enough to know the other one was there. I had selective mutism as a child, but I don't know about her, and I still have instances of it. When I'm really stressed or when I can't think of the words to say.

Omg i relate to this SO MUCH. My class mates and others that knew me that I wasnt close to literally thought i couldnt speak until I was 10 or 11. Now I am an adult i talk to everyone but i am just as happy not talking. My my best friend and I (both Autistic), often sit together in silence just working or reading.

It's so interesting, because the way I experience relationships, I cannot not talk, because non-verbal cues confuse me so much so I rely on what people say. I definitely like certain situations when you are just together but I just learnt to use speech as a way to help me compensate for not getting social situations.

I had selective mutism throughout my childhood into my early adulthood-now you can’t shut me up-and actually the floodgates open too much at times🙃. The selective mutism was very frustrating because I physically felt like I had no words-so awkward and panic attack provoking. Thank goodness I out grew this.

I am known to be much more quiet when there is a lot of people around:) For example going into work, the moment I first walk into my workplace, I just kind of slip in but don't at all announce that I'm there, as the moment you walk through, you only have to tick your name off the list, to say there you're there, then you just go and get prepped for work, and jump right in💕 Often after I have being working for 15 minutes or so, my work collages will often say "Oh I didn't know you were here" or "When did you come in?", another work collage will follow up that question, and say "She just comes in very quietly, she sneaks in" 😂😂😂💖 I'm one of those people, who doesn't speak unless it's for an important reason, to say 'Hello' or answer a question, join into a conversation I relate to, otherwise I just tend to stay quiet, I am more comfortable that way, in public when it's not just two or three people, or even four=) Also I'm actually super chatty at home, and through the Internet as you can tell 😂😂❤

I believe that I experience selective mutism and I turn 31 next month. I've not been diagnosed with it as part of my anxiety disorder by my therapists but that's because I didn't know it was a thing until very recently and am going to try to mention it when I finally get my ASD assessment

this was very interesting. i relate to your experience Ros. And i definitely agree nonverbal communication can be very powerful, including in a less direct way than in typical communication, or in an "indirectly confrontational" way as Donna Williams calls it. She also refers to "simply being" which perhaps sums this up quite well.

I was very much like Ros in my childhood

I was either too loud with hyper activity, and always fighting with someone physically or too quiet when I was kid, and now I dont talk with anyone besides my family.

Both this video and your empathy video has been very helpful. I feel that I experience hyper amounts of empathy while struggle expressing with the pathways of emotions and I was definitely selectively mute in my upbringing

Love these videos y'all do! Very informative

This was a really helpful video. Thank you :)

ive loved ros!!!

I've had selective mutism all my life and I did not know it until just recently. I will be 60 in March. I've always struggled with getting thoughts out of my head, but as soon as I go to speak, there are none. It's like I think in concepts, but the concept looses all form when I open my mouth. This usually happens in crowds, new situations, or when I'm expected to speak on something I know.

OMG you’re amazing I don’t have autism just SM and I still can’t speak

Wow you've explained things so much. I've always especially recently just find it so hard to talk to people and put out an extreme amount of energy especially in public situations to try to talk to people. If I do talk almost always just talk about things that fully need a direct response or something I feel very confident talking about. I always just thought selective mutism was just being nonspeaking and physically not being able to control your mouth to actually talk, when it could also mean that it just takes so much energy and work to try to talk to people and feels like it's nearly impossible to talk to them

Please may I just say you two are both so amazing and so naturally beautiful inside and outside xx WoW how amazing is that, you now work in customer service! This is so very interesting! I didn't even know about this until watching this video, now everything makes so much more sense. Thank you for always inspiring others and helping parents in so many ways. To think us as parents put so much pressure on our children to speak when spoken to or they will comes across as rude. It seems all the more unfair now. I actually feel I learn something new every single time I watch your videos keep up your amazing work both of you xx

Thank you a lot for this video! Iam writing a character with autistic traits who experiences selective mutism and I really prefer hearing it from someone who experiences it themselves to avoid stereotypes!

I don't now if I really was selectively mute in my youth years or I just went non-verbal quite often (in public company). I recognize that I was often - and regularly still am - satistified with observing situation I was in (with other people) and with my inner thought processes. There was even some anxiety that my experiences/interpretations/findings were too different to be worthwhile to share. I was functionally (selectively) mute in public, such as in school, most of the time: I would say I didn't talk more than 80% of the time to my class mates in school and the rest of the time I would talk just a little to them, except for a few ones who were open to me sharing or talking with them, in which I saw as a 'loose'' or relatively effortless manner. When I really had to say something, for example to class mates in school that I knew reasonably well, most of the time they ignored or 'talked over' my contributions, which was for me (very commonly) a motivator to not engage in the discussions (in groups, one-on-one always went better) at all. At least it led to the fact I did still try to communicate verbally (and effectively) when I thought it was important or felt I should just try again with them, but it seemed they didn't recognize that I had something to say or that they thought I was very bad at timing, because I seemingly was 'too late' or talking to them 'in a wrong moment'. I (almost) never didn't talk at all to people I didn't really know, because I just managed with quite a lot of effort to say a few things, to the point I effectively 'masked' my discomfort with the effort of talking. But it still didn't work out well quite often and I just struggled with finding the words or pronounce/articulate them in general. I would say, by now, there hasn't changed a lot since I started studying: I still have the same effort or 'inhibition' to talk in a group situation and occasionally also one-on-one. I'm now less hard on myself and I somewhat earlier dare to ask help, for example from teachers, while that was very difficult in the past. An additional reason is that I found strategies to 'info dump'/say what interests me in a way so that I don't need others to talk to, the main one being talking it out to myself (in my head or in a soft voice, occasionally louder). I don't have friends (anymore) since about 6-7 years ago, so I found better ways to suffice with myself and reduce to the stress of communicating verbally a lot - besides the 'social scripts' that my parents still want me to do -. All the time I sought after a balance between my needs and some (social) expectations that were difficult to totally ignore. I just forgot to say that, sometimes in elementary school I actually talked a lot to my class mates to 'externalize' my inner knowledge, but the school period after elementary school - how do you call that? secondary school? -, that didn't work work out well and began to instead 'internalize' my knowledge a lot more often and analyze and observe when I was in a social/communicative situation, but i didn't actively participate in, most of the time because I didn't really get the chance to do that. I was sort of frustrated a lot with these situations, so that I would do in the end, less instead of more effort to reduce the stress that came with it, especially by not talking or inhibit the talking just before I articulated or talking in an 'avoiding' way. And also a lot of the time I really hadn't anything to say (at least not about what I thought to be relevant).

i didnt talk at all until i was 5 or 6, i also never cried, not even as a newborn, after i was 18 and tracked my mother down , she said i was difficult and weird and she was homeless living in a van at the time and didnt know how to deal with it, which didnt matter because the state took me from her anyways, i actually only started talking after teaching myself how to read while locked in a closet for a few days once, and i only actually spoke because they kept talking about me while i was there as if i wast there and i still remember even at age 6 thinking that was irritating, they also just decided i was retarded and so put me in those type of classrooms which caused a lot of stress and trauma for me(this was early 80's i was not diagnosed until 8 years ago) so i learned how to read from these books in the closet i was locked in and then i started talking and teachers noticed pretty quick that i was not retarded, something else was wrong with me, so they sent me away to some other school for behaviour problems (i had meltdowns and didnt want to be touched or forced to do things i didnt feel like doing, to the point no punishment or threat could actually make me do anything i didnt want to do) now days i'm basically mute again simply because i just stay in my room, i need so much help with everything that nobody wants to deal with it, or deal with me, they are not mean about it, but i notice patterns very easily, it always goes the same way, you meet someone they like you, i make them laugh, but then i say something that to me is just honest and correct but to them it's "mean" or "racist" or "sexist" so then they get upset and as time goes on they spend less and less time, all these random excuses come up as to why they cant come hang out etc, and then they just drift away, all through my life it's been like that, everyone, every single human being that has come into my life has left or sent me away, i wish i never taught myself how to read and then forced myself to speak. i feel like i spent my entire life observing other peoples reactions to my existence, i have never gone anywhere or done anything, i'm always alone..sitting in my room waiting for time to finally let me go.

It can (fairly or unfairly) come across as highly manipulative - particularly if someone is simply politely confronting the autistic person to try and resolve something. My mother is like this (undiagnosed likely autistic) while I am diagnosed autistic. She has dyspraxia and was late to speak so wonder if that may be part of it. Thank you for this video so I can understand this aspect of her behaviour better.

This sounds similar to my childhood. Some thought I was a nonverbal autistic before I even knew I was autistic.

Awesome, like!

I have always done this. And I still can't speak sometimes. It is difficult in those moments. Thank you for sharing.

Really interesting. I don't remember this, but my mother told me that when I was little and we had a guest over, that I would stand silently in front of the guest's chair. I would just stare at them, not speaking or responding to anything they said. Made them uncomfortable apparently. My mom told me when the guest would ask what was going on, that she would reply something like "Oh she's just checking you out to make sure you're ok to be here". Apparently, once I reached this conclusion, I would walk away and continue playing or whatever. It almost sounds like I believed that I was invisible and they couldn't see me. When I had my tonsils out, before age 5, don't really remember much. My mother told me that I refused to even open my mouth to eat or speak. Would not take the ice cream. And suddenly one day my mom was opening a bag of pretzels, and apparently that is what got me to break my silence/fasting. First thing I ate after a tonsillectomy was pretzels. As an adult I figured maybe I was mad at my parents for taking me to that place that caused pain, because I trusted them to keep me safe. I survived high school and college by journaling, processed my emotions that way. Made decisions with a paper divided in columns of Pro and Con. Like to doodle and other craft stuff. love comfortable silences with people that I've gotten to know well enough to feel like words are not necessary. I like playing board games as a way to spend time with people, a shared activity but not really directly confrontational. Or working on puzzles. I've been to support groups that meet weekly, and not said anything for 6 weeks, just listen to figure out the rules, get an idea of how normal people act there, and so on. I have never been a person to think fast on my feet or come up with snappy comebacks. I just can't do it. I am failing at life. I know this is an older video, and in looking at the comments it seems the channel doesn't reply. So I should probably write this stuff down in a journal instead of here. But maybe it will help someone else.

I related to almost everything you said in this video. Thank you for sharing both of your experiences! I just wanted to let you know that your dog was very uncomfortable being stroked for that long. Wriggling, squirming, turning away, and trying to get away from that tactile overstimulation (it starts to hurt when you've been stroked for 17 minutes). Maybe you could find a stimming toy to help keep everyone comfortable? I hope this doesn't come off as accusatory. I just wanted to bring your attention to this if you weren't already aware.

Re puppy chewing the light cable, substitution works really well, find an appropriate toy for the pup asap, don’t allow the pup to reinforce its interest in the cable, distraction work well.

I was 15 too when I put more effort into talking, but it was hard. I wish I'd had other tools to communicate with, such as a white board.

I love the reason I jump

Hello Ella and Ros, thank you a lot for this really interesting video !! A little question for you, do you think sign language could help with selective mutism ?? A very beautiful,visual and silent language ! I tend to be more at ease when using it as far as I am concerned.

Gotta ask, is your puppy a wheaten terrier? (off topic but i love the cutie) Also, thank you for the insight Ros! you have given me renewed hope that i can beat my own anxiety

I want the puppy!

i had it at age 9 after my mom died until 18 when i was pregnant with my 1st baby. My family just labeled it as shy

That was a really interesting video. I don’t think I experienced selective mutism, but I know the feeling of not being able to talk at all very well. Sometimes, i don’t know how often, there are. Situations with a group or sometimes only one person I really want to say something but either the words vanish before I can grab them or, more often the words stick in my throat and I can’t get them out.Then for me it’s more comfortable to just share moments. I don’t bother that my husband is often hidden behind his laptop doing whatever he does, I don’t bother if he’s watching 📺. I enjoy the experience of not being forced to talk. In my town I’ve two friends who are blind (I myself have a vision of 2 % when I wear my glasses that correct a problem very nuch normal-sighted people have, without the. I se 1,6 %), we’re talking to each other, too, especially when my husband is with me. But when I’m alone there it might be that we just listen to audiobooks or audio dramas (why on earth this is called “drama. Frozen or Insideout or some horror audios have nothing to do with drama) for a long time. I like discussing and I enjoy it, but very often communication on a verbal level is very exhausting for me. For the case I go nonverbal without my will, I’ve installed several pictograph-based apps to talk in audio to others. It’s also hard to find words for emotions or sometimes (?) even my thoughts, because I think very much in pictures, noises and other stuff, also verbal. Right now I think what I’ll write next. I hate dead silence, but I’d rather listen to music instead of chatting.

If initially I say something that others display an obvious displeasure physically to but with my inability to read content/message words literally feel a sliding back into a language darkness unretriveable at that time. Follow through will be to literally shut up, sit down or back changing the space to outside the initial proximity and communication receptivity space, or leave the room hopefully in an inoffensive fashion. Frequently I will limit or avoid talking for the next couple hours or so even longer, the words just don't come up. Music with or without voice can become a reasonable recovery strategy recovery after silence periods . Even a little vocalized melody stim can work in cases where my attendance and presence is required and not an option but even then a sustained silence is functioning mentally with wiggle room for acceptable as minimum reply content. The overall after effect can be quite unpleasant due to being clueless to what the nonverbal actions of the other expressed. Seeking calcifications have their own imposed boundaries simply: was a message actually conveyed? did I read something not there? or from ego did I just blow a potential social relationship? I am well familiar with a closure of "Oh well !" but surprisingly that might not come till years later. "Not fast out of the gate" at times so it seems. Social isolation an adaptive option but unfortunately self-reinforcing and subverting reasonable natural supports to cultivate.

What kind of dog is that! Gorgeous

That was great my son has selective mutism and autism and anxiety he talks with us his brother and grandparents will whisper to me when he is at school does not normally talk with any of the other children. He has only just started to talk with his teacher but that is in a one on one time he has just started to talk in front of the class when he is using his tablet. We had a meeting with his drs and he would not talk or even interact with them non verbal. Is this something that you experienced at all.

I was on and off selective mute from 9 to 18 years old. I would use sign language for needs and it would go periods of 3 months to 1 year!

Wow you are so cool

I am not autistic but I had this too from childhood sexual assault.

Can you do a video about your pets? (Sorry for the totally irrelevant comment. I've noticed your doggy in the last few videos and I love animals.)

It's just hard to talk while others staring at u I don't had it but mine it's to close to it

So I have know I was autistic since I was yong diagnosed with PDDMOS. But I have just realising that I might also have selective mutisem. And I was wondering if there is any key factors to know for sure about it. Also what is some good things to do I that I can use to help with it?

I have it

Yeah, sometimes I just don't feel like talking?

I live your dog

I think am a selective mute am 59 years old now. However in my teens i had a big mental breakdown and I didn't speak for six weeks at all. Now i sonetimes go quiet when am not shure about people. So am wondering if am a selective mute? I got my Aspergers diognosis in November 2004. And my Dyspraxia diognosis in 2003

Guau I really identify with Rose..!!in fact,I have a constant fight with my husband over that!🥱

Hmm. Selective mutism makes it sound like there’s an element of control over how and when mutism occurs. I definitely don’t ‘select’ where and when.

I'm 22 and was only diagnosed with adhd, autisim, ptsd last year. I have bad anxiety and when I speak especially when I anxious or tired my words don't always come out properly I get tounge tied or stutter a bit at times. The other day my parents went to get there eyes checked and I sat in waiting room and all of a sudden I had a massive anxiety attack, rapid breathing and immense fear, rocking and couldn't sit still when they tried to ask me questions if I wanted a appointment I heard them but it was as if I was in another world I couldn't speak it was weird I've noticed this more lately could this be some sort of selective mutisim? Maybe somthing for me to check out.

I feel I am selective mute as I don't want to talk to men

CAN I HOLD THE PUPPY?

#TogetherWeCanDefeatSelectiveMutism💞💞💞

Carol Tuttle DYT check her out!

A couple of beautiful ladies on the spectrum

Gotta ask, is your puppy a wheaten terrier? (off topic but i love the cutie) Also, thank you for the insight Ros! you have given me renewed hope that i can beat my own anxiety