Shame For Not Being Successful 

"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame." -Iroh

I spent my whole 20s feeling shame about my lack of progress in life. I watched people I knew in high school go on to start families, etc. and actually achieve something for themselves. It sucks when you can't make that kind of normal progress in life, and your life moves at a standstill compared to other people. I got to the point where I realized I was being unfair to myself. I'd been judging my life based on other people's lives. I'd been judging my progression based on their progression. But the thing is, I've had to deal with things they never had to worry about. I was born with Autism, which has always been a limiting factor for me. I have a learning disability. I have general and social anxiety disorders. These are all things I've had to deal with in addition to normal life, that no-one else I knew had to deal with. In essence, I've been forced to play poker with a stacked deck against me, where they've had normal hands. I reaffirmed to myself that while we're all playing the same game (life), we're not competing, and we do not all have a fair chance, and that's nobody's fault. That's life. It sucks when you're the one who drew the short stick, but that's how it is. It was so hard to let go of that shame - especially with society's attitude toward those who can't provide - and to accept that I'm doing the best that I can. It was hard to let myself be okay with who I am, and where I am in life, because I've always thought I should've been able to do better. But I can't. I'm doing the best I can. And that's not a resignation, that is accepting that there are some things beyond my control, and so I focus on the things that are within my control, as few as those number in life. I don't feel shame about that anymore, because I've accepted these truths, I've accepted myself, and I started focusing on what makes me happy, rather than what I think would please society.

Takeaways: → Antidote to shame is actually compassion towards self. → Acceptance is not giving up, sometimes it can be taking small steps. → Work on the emotions, catch your thoughts, go to therapy, … → Ego tends to move the goal posts, as you approach it.

"You have the potential, you just choose not to use it." was something I heard over and over again growing up. Why should I have to do something like everyone else when I'm happy with who I am?

Apart from being unresolvable through progress, I've found shame to be antithetic to progress. For 26 years of my life I fueled my game development on shame. I believed in the crucible approach of hating myself to success; "I need to finish this project because I'll be a complete failure otherwise. I just need to stop being so lazy and work. If I fail at this, then I'm truly irredeemable." It led me to truly hate myself and my work, but it also hurt my ability to even finish in the first place. I'd work myself into mental breakdowns where I was out for weeks. I never finished any full games that way. Then, last year I refreshed and started on a new project. I had the intention of just working on it when I feel like, and to not be ashamed of feelings of "laziness" when I don't. I'm getting ready to release that project next month. It's the furthest I've ever gotten in any project of this scope, and it was achieved through doing my best to not feel so shitty about myself. Self acceptance is OP, ya'll. Get with it.

This is almost unavoidable in a global world where we instinctually compare ourselves to everyone else. I feel shame when I have massive failures. I just take one step at a time and focus only on what I need to do right now.

Getting rid of the "ideal self" (which is a harmful, fictional, nonexistent construct by the way) is one of the best things one can do for their mental health. And only then begin incremental improvements in the other spheres of life, but not for the reason that we want to be "good enough", but so that it's good for us and we feel good/satisfied about it.

This hits home. I'm constantly feeling suicidal, angry, and ashamed that I've ruined my life and that I'm not successful. I'm about to enter my last year of my 20s and I don't have anything I wanted for my life. I have no degree, no property ownership, no career, no marriage, and nothing to be happy about. I have no way to fix this either. I can't ever have the career I wanted because I was stupid and though I had all the time in the world. I never even got the traditional college experience and I never will. I can't get over it. It's all my fault.

I was filled with shame when I couldn’t live up to my peers standards. I remember being racked with anxiety and shame over messing up constantly because of my adhd. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. But now I accept who I am. I stopped trying to be like others and am now working towards being myself. I no longer have shame because I am who I am and I accept it.

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" - Jiddu Krishnamurti

This is such a huge thing for those of us with ADHD, especially, with late diagnoses. We go our whole lives unable to live up to some neurotypical standard that is forever out of our reach, never allowed to realize that we're just running on different operating systems, and "simply" (ha) need to take a different approach to life in order to discover our *true* potential (which is going to look very different from the ideas neurotypicals may have). Macs aren't inferior because they can't open .exe files (I'd like to see a PC try to match the efficiency of Handoff and Mission Control/Spaces); they just need programs to be packaged in a different format, and then are often able to run them just as well, if not better, than PCs with comparable hardware specs. My Switch can't handle Minecraft anymore, but my Xbox Series X can't use the motion controls needed for Mario Golf or Skyward Sword, either. Letting go of the idea of my "potential" after my diagnosis has been a lengthy (and still ongoing) struggle, but the freedom of allowing myself to accept and embrace the idea that I am enough, that I am a valuable person apart from my achievement or intelligence is indescribable. Yes, I'm 35 and beginning my 3rd year in community college, about halfway to "finally" getting a bachelor's degree, but so what? I learned a ton and figured out who I was and what I wanted during that 15-year summer break, and now I'm *already* halfway to getting my bachelor's degree, with the benefit of those years of experience and personal growth I wouldn't have had if I'd gone to college straight out of high school, and my son wouldn't be able to personally witness my efforts and continued growth, and thus be able to fully appreciate the life lessons that go with it. If I had gotten diagnosed and treated as a kid, I never would have been motivated to become a lay expert on ADHD, and I never would have been so vigilant to catch his at 2 years old or so determined to get him proper treatment starting at 4, and he would've been stuck struggling needlessly during his most formative years instead of being able to bloom and grow on a much more level playing field. If I hadn't been duped into an abusive marriage at a young age, I never would've learned so much about psychology and how to spot and avoid abusive situations in order to pass on that knowledge to others who have needed it. No amount of "failure" or "wasted time" in our lives is truly either of those things, once we let go of "shoulding on ourselves" and embrace our less-than-ideal past experiences for the value they can carry into our future. This is easier said than done, but the core takeaway I've found over the past eight years or so.

"A man of YOUR talents, FARMING?" "It's a peaceful life." I feel that exchange applies here.

Progress isnt enough because Im still scarred by everything wrong with my life. Everyday and Everything is a constant reminder, its not enough to just turn off linkedin or instagram; you look outside and find people who didnt have the abandonment, abuse, regrets and the loneliness you have. Oh sure you made progress here and there but all you can think about is where you'd be if not for what happened. It never goes away, it just haunts you. No matter how many therapists you sing like a canary to, no matter how many times you get on your knees and pray to Jesus; its there.

its great how a lot of people is capable of writing such posts, realizing there's a problem, asking for help, explaining stuff congratz dr k youre awesome!

I think it is one thing to have that self-compassion and patience, and a different one to know how to navigate social relations where people do still judge you that way.

This is EXACTLY what I’ve been dealing with most of my life. I’m 22 still with no license, car, still don’t know what I want to do with my life but the craving to make my own money has been killing me everyday as I walk into stocking Walmart shelves. These 4-6 months have been the longest streak of depression free I’ve had in my whole life. Just recently I’ve started not to care what other people think. I don’t know what massive personal step I’m about to take next but you have been so helpful to me. I’ve been obsessed with self development, self help, self improvement, psychology content since I was 12 but has taken me this long to improve consciously. Whatever you’re doing is golden.

I'm afraid if I let go of my "ideal self," I let go of all my dreams and ambitions, which I still want with all my heart to reach. Yes, I am good enough, but why doesn't that mean I can try to do great things?

Achievement is not the antidote to achievement Shame is not an emotion. It is a result of the gap between you and your ideal self. When there's no ideal self, there's no shame Success will not fix your shame. It makes you expect more out of yourself, thus you move goal posts and feel like you have more to achieve. Now you realise you can never be your ideal self cause you'll keep expecting the impossible from yourself Be proud of the effort you put in, not your 'progress' Get rid of your ideal self and acknowledge that you're great as you are Accept yourself and improve lil by lil You might wanna go to therapy to work with your shame complex and get to the bottom of where your shame comes from

Having spent my entire life around successful or soon-to-be successful people with high-paying jobs and impossibly high grades, these feelings aren’t unfamiliar to me. I’m not like them. I’m probably one of the only people in my grade that graduated and went into a useless humanities major. I know I wouldn’t have been able to go into law or medicine because I just don’t have the academic abilities nor the mental capacity. I didn’t get into a good college either, and seeing everyone I know study abroad while I’m still in my country at a pay-to-win private university kinda eats at my self-worth. I depend too much on my parents, who I am eternally grateful for for supporting me financially, but and don’t know if I’ll stop having to depend on them any time soon, knowing that my future probably doesn’t hold much good fortune for me anyways.

After going through job interviews and being constantly rejected, it's hard to feel adequate

"One step forward" >> "one step towards an unreachable goal". Wow. Although I wish I knew this simple bit of wisdom years ago, I'm at least grateful to be learning it now!

As a business owner I still kind of struggle with this feeling myself. But one thing I've learned is that being around people who are hustling to build the life they want actually helps you to do it yourself. Don't run away from those people. Also, they have had all the same worries you have, and might still have them now even though you think of them as successful. Every single business owner knows the fear and worry you go through, no one succeeds overnight.

The people in my friend group are actually financial advisors for Amazon’s corporate office in Seattle. I work for Amazon too, I stack boxes at one of their warehouses 😂

I’m a 24 year old, that’s always held highest expectations of myself. Expectations that are unachievable. I currently work at grocery store and constantly berate myself for not achieving success in my life. I’ve always questioned how is success defined. I’ve tried to warp it away from the traditionally defined metrics of society. Although the only way to feel any emotional regulation is to conform to the universally held standards, that would be money, status and looks. I thought competencies would be the crowning factor of how the world views you. The world doesn’t see it. They only have enough time to look at you from a glance, to determine if that glance makes you important enough to hold attention. By warping the definition of success I have felt, what I think is shame. I have to idea what path to take to achieve success. I suppose I’m currently just marching though life trying to give it my best and praying it falls in my hands. I don’t know how to manipulate circumstances so they become more favourable to me. I crave success, and want to be satisfied in life. At times I feel optimism, when I’m out in the world. Yet, when I come to back home, my parents home, the world seems to bleak pessimistic and lacking promise.

When he said, “there’s no ideal self, there’s only you.. at the beginning it’s terrifying..”. It was terrifying, like what and who am I actually chasing and berating myself over for not being held up to? Then he proceeded by saying, “you know what’s even more terrifying? the version of you that is.. is good enough!” I teared up at work. I don’t think any one (family, ex’s) has ever really told me that I’m good enough (always room for improvement, though) … there I go again.. 🙄 We are acceptable for who we are, not who we think we should be. - Anthony Hopkins - Sam, Canada, ex-con, recovering alcohol and cocaine addict. PS thank you so much, your channel is amazing. You’re doing good work.

This is the first video I've watched where I was hanging on every word Dr. K is saying. That "there is no ideal you, there's just you, and you are enough" feels very untrue to me too, although I understand that for someone who doesn't have this problem it might sound evident. I've been holding on to this "ideal self" for about as long as the poster has and identify with him a lot. Good luck to all of us trying to overcome this

I turned 30 this year. My life is pretty upsidedown and...I feel like such a failure all the time.

People ask me how I can love myself and also not feel good enough. The thing is that I do think I'm kinda awesome. But I feel the expectations of me is perfection and does I can never live up to it. Cuz no matter how good I get I'll still not be good enough to be perfect. Which in my mind the world expects from me

almost in tears over this one 🥺 it just hit different

This spoke to me. So much. Not just the generic advice. Really validating to hear that childhood part. Thank you. Thank you so much. And it's so comforting to know other people can relate to these concepts. Rooting for all of us; we can do it!!

you seriously don't know how much this video helped me finally discover what was causing all this. I can finally make a a bit of progress after months of trying to understand myself. Think I got the last piece to the puzzle

Really needed this one today. Thanks so much for sharing this :)

Any art I finished as a kid, people would point out little mistakes in my drawings or music, so I would always hide my art and never finish in fear that the final piece would be critiqued badly again. Now as an adult people are shaming me for not finishing my projects, and so I just hide away from everyone. It's just me and this fear that I'm slowly shaking off. Nobody understands me. Because I don't show my work anymore, they think I'm simply a lazy, antisocial, basement dweller... I'm realizing a lot of things from this video... Idk, if I should have more patience with the people in my life or should seriously learn to accept this resentment.

I think focusing on your immediate self is usually the best thing to do. Instead of chasing a dream, focus on the current you. And focus not on the end goal, but the path to the goal. Achievement is not having a clean room. It's taking out the trash. Achievement is not having 6pack abs. It's going for a run. Then you can be proud of who you are at the present, and not ashamed that you haven't reached your goals.

My problem with this concept is that shame is sometimes my only motivation to do things - if I wouldn't feel shame I wouldn't even clean or get a job or work on my mental health.

I feel this video is well informed and actually helps me understand and realise the problem a bit more. I feel ashamed about a lot of things. A lot of deep trauma comes from parenting and my parents expectations to achieve their standards. I did a lot in the past few years but I wouldn't say I'm entirely happy. I've went to uni and dropped out years ago, I worked at several jobs but didn't like many (the job I work now is fine). I feel like I'm one step forward, two steps behind. The thing that hinders me the most is how much I struggle to achieve what I want when I had so much potential and expectation to do those things in the past. I know I am talented at things I like but I'm always stuck in a loop. Now I'm doing things one bit at a time but sometimes think what is the point?

15:53 As soon as I heard those words, tears immediately started steaming down my face, because that's something I can't bring to tell myself. This video really spoke out to me and covers everything I've been feeling as I'm also in my 30s, running my own business, and feel underachieved and I'm scrambling to work harder to be more successful

My problem is not that I'm trying to achieve what a guy with flash cars and city living has. But I can barely keep up with all of the ordinary people around me. I'm below even the average lifestyle.

oh yeah this has been a constant for me for years, havent really tackled it so i appreciate the video

Thanks Dr. K, this is something that I am still struggling with, even though I get huge swatchs of compassion from my friends & family now. I often still feel behind, because I know my ideal self has endless energy and motivation. Needs no sleep, no emotions, is basically just an efficient robot. It is because I am inefficient. I always need more time for tasks and now in my masters degree I often encounter subjects where I just cannot wrap my head around and I feel incredibly stupid. I know that I do tend to hijack myself into failing as well, because I need to push harder and harder to catch up, but end up burned out faster and faster and I am since a year at a point where I cannot push harder anymore. I totally failed one semestre because I had constant brain fog, and so on. And it made me question really hard my identity and also my well-being. We all have strengths and despite my "lackings" I do have a lot to offer to a future employer (which is my fear of being homeless after my studies, because we were very poor in my childhood). And I now try to distance myself very hard from this "ideal self". There are ideals to be held, if it comes to society or own values and stuff, but humans are not robots. We werent designed to be and we also shouldnt be, because its not "our job". Therefore we have tools and stuff. It got better and now I can even talk to my peers about my struggles and oh wonder, they all felt the same to some degree. I even joined a learning group which I never did, because it would meant that people see me struggle or giving wrong/stupid answers, but I am fine with it now. I accept that I cannot and will not know everything. Shame is such an isolator. Its astounding that we are hardwired to connect and than there are protective systems doing the exact opposite, because of security/survival-issues. Thanks again, love your content!

dude I seriously love you sm, thank you

Kinda related but maybe not. A thought came to me about guilt vs shame or at least how I process, experienced, and understand them. At some point I thought I was too guilt driven and worked on removing it and acting out of confidence and a sense of righteousness maybe. But I ended up in a state where I didnt act or often feel guilt but I felt inadequate and confused and empty inside. Its hard to describe but I think I equated guilt and shame as the same but only worked on recognizing actions that were derived from guilt and letting them pass with an exhale. So while a useful practice I was focused on my reactions and not the source. So to sum what I think my comment is about, guilt is a more temporary energy within the body that compels action while shame is tied to identity - how I view myself and how I view others viewing me. Prior to all of this years ago, I made a ton of progress not really caring what others thought of me and realizing Ill never be perfect so why sweat about it but somewhere along the line I became attached to my ideal self and bring about a greater good into the world. So this gets confusing but I came super close or even attained my ideal but the results were not what I exactly imagined and as I got stronger and had more impact, I brought a ton of pain. All this to say is now, I abandoned what worked because I thought it brought pain into the world. So now relearning and better conceptualizing, maybe Im ready to accept myself for the pain I brought in and allow myself to hurt and be hurt again. That maybe Im not all that bad and the effort I now put in is adequate because as said in the video, the harder I work right now the more pain I feel for being inadequate and the times I let go of my identity and thoughts of how Im being perceived, the more relaxed, friendly, engaged, comfortable, and loving I am - which is what I originally wanted to bring into the world. (The problem with my previous self, was that people depended too hard on me for emotional support and needed my direction and energy to do anything it felt - so in my attempt to build them up, I felt unhealthily replied upon so I started telling people what I thought they truly needed to hear and protected myself from getting too involved and ultimately hurt a ton of people.)

Thanks for sharing another one. It is quite insightful.

Beautiful. Best psychology channel out there. Cheers from Belgium !

I am not that frequent on this channel but I was just feeling bad and thought maybe dr k has some videos on it and this is the last updated video. Maybe this is a messege from the universe and i am grateful for it.

Wow, haven't watched the video but if the title is right, it came at the right time for me. Recently met someone, we had amazing chemistry, so many similar hobbies and things we liked. In the end after a month she decided to end it because of our earnings difference. Gotta say, it still hurts after a month, and while I try to make a change in my life, I'm still not able to catch her. Hopefully life will find a way.

Thanks for the content.

I really like falling asleep to your videos, this one definitely helps a lot. Thank u Dr.😊

If you don't want to feel ashamed, you need to let go of your pride.

I wish this video addressed other people wanting you to feel shame for being "worthless"

EI = unemployment insurance in Canada. We call it employment insurance here.

I was freelancing and doing vfx shit and wanted to continue that as I am afraid of college but current situations pushing me to go there and so I am studying day & nite to pass the entrance

15:27 when actual progress makes you feel ashamed lol. Know that feeling

You’re such a legend, Dr. K

Wowowow. This hits super hard.

Thanks for this duder....

how did he how. Those videos the reddit poster mentions where the exact videos I watched yesterday and happen to be something that I needed to hear right now

Hard work betrays none, but dreams betray many. working hard alone doesn't assure you that you'll achieve your dreams. actually there are more cases where you don't. even so, working hard and achieving something is some consolation at least. Hikigaya Hachiman

Anyone else sometimes watching Dr. K videos that don't relate to their problems, but then you realize it's exactly what you're experiencing?

im 20 and feel practically the same way, yet apart wants to just be free from all this, to do whatever I want and see how life plays out yet the constant pushback from fellow family members who are all successful makes me feel inadquet, like I should be someone, constantly defined by society metrics, its all so annoying and tiring of having to live up to expectations.

13:53 ah, I see what you did there, I had a good chuckle

Thanks doc, I live in 3rd world country and I couldn't afford therapist. This is the most helpful channel in my life.

Lol shoutout to the adults in my life who would yell, scream, and insult me to feel shame to do better as a kid. Doesn’t feel so absurd when it’s happened to you all your childhood.

He's right.. you can't achieve your way out of it. From personal experience, you'll start feeling like a fraud. You'll question anyone's good opinion of you and your competence. And you'll run from your now-peers, which is embarrassing because you always looked up to them.

i can outperform most people with most things but no matter how well i do, success is not something that has ever been offered/allowed to me. from some of my earliest memories to the moment im typing this comment, all i have ever experienced was shame and disapproval and its solely because i was born impoverished so i dont deserve to know anything but suffering, shame and disapproval.

One of the best things I did was delete social media apps from my phone. The choice to browse them is still there on PC, but I'm much less likely to browse it out of boredom. The main downside of social media is that the posts you see are highly perfected and made to look much more appealing than real life. Seeing such perfection on a regular basis may make you feel less of yourself unconsciously.

A simple life with free time is my success. Of course while taking care of responsibilities.

Oh my god, 12:38 him just dropping truths and insights about how shame works in people who were abused as children. I've spent like 20 years understanding more and more about abuse but i never understood the shame stuff in that light. Wow. So amazingly simple but no one else explains it that way. (I'm 32 years old but an abused 12 year old kinda knows they're being abused)

I'm not expecting a reply from anything I say, I feel extremely lonely, exhausted, and really hateful of my life, I'm tired of the pain and loneliness it's crushing and today couldn't hold it in I need an outlet and I feel safe here and I feel like writing down my thoughts will help me feel a little better, I have no friends, no girlfriend, no family I've been disowned and forgotten, and broke with no job even though I've been searching this has been the longest I've gone without a job and I can't seek professional help because people can't be trusted and nothing in this world is free even help I hate my life I've been abandoned my whole life I know others claim to go through what I am going through right now but it's hard to believe everyday feels harder without getting better I feel my hope for something better leaving me I have so much hate for everything I wish can just let go of it I wish I wasn't Born unlovable I wish I didn't want to be deleted from this world and anybody do see this DO NOT RESPOND I DON'T NEED HELP I JUST WANTED TO VENT.

One of the few times I simply can not agree. Achievement is the solution. There is a ideal self. Ideal does not mean perfect. Progress is not good enough since it doesnt change the state of what the self is in a meaningful way. Even if your improving without shame or concept of a ideal self, you are moving towards a ideal self through the act of improvement. It can not be avoided. Happiness is either the acceptance of being less than ideal or being ideal. How do you warrant accepting less than ideal when it's both achievable and reasonable.

For anyone who also watches Jordan Peterson - Dr.K. mentioned that it's okay to have ideals and also that being good enough doesn't mean apathy or not working on addressing your flaws. I just listened to a JBP lecture where he mentioned that to him "you're fine, accept yourself as you are" was a self-destructive nihilistic idea. But I don't think Peterson would discard the "you're good enough" idea if it was brought in its right context. Dr. K. advocates for self-acceptance as a first step towards improvement not as a last step towards doing nothing. This took time for me to process.

Dr. K is my questionably mortal hero

13:53 - Almost spat my coffee out there 😂 😘

dr. K, in eliminating the ideal self, won't this also eliminate things such as aspirations or dreams? how would you want to go after the things you want in life after getting rid of the ideal self?

I'm a late bloomer who had a case of Arrested Development , at 32 yo this one really hit.

I got so much anxiety from this video

Can you make a video on how to deal with the root of shame?

Thank you. Could the cure to shame be gratefulness?

this one might be best

Remarkable timing

Shame ---> disgust ----> change ----> move goal posts ---> Anxiety

Hello! I actually have opposite problem. I tried to be less succesful because I think it's ok to be like that. But I feel like I am more suitable for jobs that have high risk and high succes. Like gaming industry, social media, singing, or doing music. I just don't have the courage to actually do what I feel is natural to me since I have fear of failure. But from now on I will try to do stuff that I want anyway, even if it's scary. It might be that I fail horribly on those jobs, but I feel like it would still be worth it somehow.

but how can you NOT be ashamed if say you're old and living with your parents and you can't hold a job and you are unattractive.. what is there to be proud of?

Gave this video a like just for the confident wink 🤣 love to see it

Drk pumps out so much content - it really makes you think if any of it has any meaning

thank you dr. K. I now have a quarterly life crisis

Bragging about your success and putting other people down in a hypercapitalist society with limited wealth mobility is like bragging about beating a wheelchair bound person in a race when you're Usain Bolt.

日本にス神からちょっとわからないけどこのビデオはありがとうございます

I love that commentor at the end "I already know that the root (of my shame) is my parents, so like, what next man???" Armchair psychology at its finest

15:37 "There is no ideal self, it's just you !" Well, my father think that way so i have to find solutions without him.

"Sometimes, we feel ashamed of ourselves." Heh, y-yeah, 'some times'... aheh heh ...aaah

Being me isn't good enough. Not with the expectations society places on you. I don't fit in that mold but I don't feel like I can live outside of it.

True gods, damn i need to reframe all of my thoughts hey? Damn

Lol I got a get rich quick ad on this

15:57 I'm all for the theoretically positive perspectives, but let's respect the laws of physics here.

The ideal version of yourself is smarter, stronger and faster than you. So they'll always be ahead of you and you'll never catch up to them.

There is no shame in defeat as long the spririt is unconquered

13:52 HEYO XDDDDDD

Fuck this is deep.

My issue is that I KNOW I can be doing better, and I’m just not 😂