The legal system and the parent perpetrating the alienating need to be held accountable for being complicit in child abuse. Especially if the parent being alienated is just as suitable for having custody.
THAT will never happen is 99.9% of cases. I just had an email exchange with a former guardian ad-litem to bring her up-to-date. She denies she made any mistakes and she has over 30 years of experience as an attorney therefore she is apparently correct 100% of the time. The judge also made all the typical mistakes in court. Attorneys and court will never admit they are wrong on these text book mistakes.
@@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470 WRONG, leftist satan worshipping commies want to destroy men marriages families god and our country because that is the commie plan of attack and leftist judges and lawyers are helping to do just that.
I have been absolutely devastated for the past 6 years. I thought once my daughter turned 18 that she would be able to see the truth but she has been thoroughly brain washed. I understood what her mother was doing and I could see that my daughter was being tortured with stress so I withdrew for her mental health. Every avenue I took including her school looked at me as some evil monster and I couldn't understand what was going on. It has me believing that I am a monster and I am starting to withdraw from every one and questioning what the point of life is if I have to endure this torture day after day.
I understand, I'm alienated now 13 yrs, she's 27 just married and my ex would not reply to my postal letter to have me at wedding I missed it all. Get this her husband works at my ex husband company way too close. Hope he gets different engineering job elese where. And before Christmas my ex dad passed away. So he only has one living parent as I do.
Lies are poison. It seems to be the hour of the day to try and know the truth about almost anything and everything. It is very sad and upsetting to see how children miss out on knowing a parent or relative because of another’s lies. But we have to take the high road. Be the truthful mature one. It’s the only clean way to hope to change things. Even if it takes years.
My family is going through the same issue with my eighteen year old brother. We are currently dealing with his dad trying to damage the relationships my brother has with us his siblings and especially our mother. Its really disheartening to watch the control and Stockholm syndrome my brother has developed over time. He's even going as so far as to use his failing of kidneys to make my baby brother feel obligated to stick close to him and away from all of us. He wants complete influence and control over my baby brother. We don't know what to do.
Your pain is valid, heard, and known! You are NOT alone! There's a huge hidden community of parents and aduit alienated children that are rallying for change. It's a terrible crime against humanity. You can join this cause to give you a purpose and use your voice. Or just find these groups to feel less alone. I hope you are hanging tight. Some have said that the kids check our social media, so be sure to show the healthiest side of you. And I personally think it couldnt hurt to post something for public viewing showing that children should be able to love both their parents. If they are mature enough to check social media, they just may understand that this speaks to them, whether today or decades from now--even if they outlive us, they need to know this. ❤
It’s important to say the the alienating parents, sometimes, do what they do in a very subtle way. The child is being manipulated in a subtle way, not even aware of that. That’s what happened to me. I got divorced when my older child was 15 and he does not speak to me since he was 17…. He is now 31 and through the years trying to reach him in so many way were met with anger and now total silence to the fact that all channels had been blocked. 14 years and there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. My heart is still bleeding and always will be.
I hear you loud and clear. My ex was very covert in her manipulations of our daughter. A therapist I saw some years back told me that she (the ex) would never acknowledge that she planted false impressions of me in our daughter's young, vulnerable brain. Daughter is now 38 and I'm 77. I don't know if she will ever see things as they really are.
I've been alienated from my daughter for 3 years now. I almost took my life because of it but it has made me a stronger person. I hope one day I can be in her life again.
I've been alienated from my two daughters for over 2 years now and I did nothing wrong. I didn't comply with someonething their mother wanted regarding parenting and now I'm in this position and like you, nearly taken my life. The only thing that has stopped me is that I have a grown up son to someone else who I have a good relationship with, and his mother too. Hope you get your child back and stay strong!
@@alistairmccabe7028 Same here. I wouldnt give into the request of moving to Canada with him and his (now ex wife) (he was married for two months before she threw them both out) and they planned to make me the shittiest mother alive. I did nothing wrong either. I really hope when these kids are older they will seek and find the truth.
Amen! So glad to see this. I started watching Ryan’s videos during the course of being alienated from my 16 year old daughter for seven years. A judge finally forced him to put her in therapy with me two years ago. From the day we were in the same room, we have talked everyday. It is amazing how aware she already was of what was going on, but it just took seeing it for herself to validate it on her mind. She has a lot of anger at her dad, and he still attempts to this day to alienate her from me. She wants to move to my house as soon as she is 17 and not have a relationship with her father. I hope she learns forgiveness, I am still trying. She deserves to be at peace. Please don’t give up if you are experiencing this. This video is spot on. I wanted to scream to anyone who would listen what he had done. Being defensive in court made me appear like the crazy person he was hoping I would be seen as. With alienation, many times you are dealing with an ex partner that is very narcissist. You can not play defense with these types, stay on offense. The best way for the child to know the truth is for them to see it. They will know the truth soon enough.
I agree; however, I believe it is more difficult for fathers to reunite with their children whom they have been alienated from because the social norm is that mothers are more caring and fathers are not; therefore, children are more receptive to being reunified with their mothers.
@@ebwerksinc.2767 We have actually found this not to be the case. Children need both of their parent. Each parent provides something different. Just recently we helped a Dad reunite with his teenage son, who realized what was happening to him. I understand how you have these beliefs on a societal level, we just help parents creating a different reality.
@@ebwerksinc.2767 I am a mother who is just experience it but don't forget it's not always a father but also grandmother of the child or step mum might want to replace a mother. And child's father is doing it in order to please her.
I’m incredibly grateful to my step-daughter. I came into her life when she was 12. She’s 21 now and we have a great relationship. Before her, my biological daughters “regime” even had me convinced that I was a horrible dad and my daughter was better off without me. My stepdaughter helped me remember who I really am.
That is so nice! My husband is the target parent. His ex wife has been alienating his children since 2018. My daughter lost her father so after some time they developed a natural father/daughter relationship. I’m so grateful for my husband and i love my daughter ❤
Craziest part aside from the alienation itself is that the alienating parent has full liberty to lie and to brainwash and destroy the relationship between the children and the loving parent, but that the loving parent can't return with the truth and needs to just swallow the defeat and show over time (YEARS) that the lies they were told are in fact lies. Its literally like being in prison for something you didn't do and nobody will listen to reason. Ive experienced this for 7 years and as of 3 years ago my patience finally paid off. It still sucks bec in the eyes of the court none of it matters unless you can prove the alienation, which costs $20k hiring a forensic psychologist
Thank you. I divorced my childrens father 15 years ago and he managed to go against court orders and keep them from me for over 7 years...after reunited, they are now grown and really have nothing to do with me. My heart breaks everyday! Thank yo for this video.
I needed this help 40 years ago. So glad for parents today who can receive the help and navigate the journey without defending or reacting emotionally. My husband and I did parenting courses, read books, but didn't find specific help. We tried so hard to resolve the problem, but didn't know what it was, and our daughter didn't want to talk with us. Her loyalty was with the one speaking poisonous words. It's terrific sorrow and despair.
I have been alienated from my now 17 year old daughter for over a year... I had no idea what was happening until my friend who also had this happen to her told me to start looking into PAS. So happy to hear and listen to you both! Thank you for helping parents like me deal with this devastating act of hate. :)
You have just given me hope and relief from 12 years of struggle and self-doubt. I have felt helpless in this area of life and realized that my attempts to resolve have only made matters worse. I have listened only to half of this podcast and have a tremendous sense of relief. You describe exactly what has happened. I am grateful to know there is a community that can relate, as well as look forward to learn, and make a plan that has a chance of being effective, and not hurt my sons further, feeling torn and confused. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I’ve subscribed and I am committed. ❤
I am so grateful that I was able to tell my truth to my 8 year old daughter snd just be straight with her about everything that was going on snd she was able to understand the reasoning behind it. Now whenever her grandmother or father says anything even remotely negative, she now feels negative towards them for saying it snd no longer negative towards me because she was believing it. Now every time they attempt to alienate me, it only ends up hurting themselves because she knows the truth snd why they are telling her lies about me. I’m so grateful for being able to just set the record straight immediately.
I am also glad for you it worked out, really I AM! But every situation is totally different and its exact what they say: it is not always strategic (mostly not) to do so.
I'm glad you have been able to do this for your daughter. My 8 year old twins think whatever I say or do is negative, and I don't know what I can do or say at this point. I'm just feeling so helpless, it's domestic violence and child abuse.
This is so true!!!! I can’t do this alone and their is a whole regime against me on this!!!!! And no one understands, I am the one being judged, ridiculed and blamed and I have carried so much guilt in finally believing it 🙏😭💔 I’m so grateful for God guided me to your channel and I filled out an application on your website. I pray I get accepted because I’ve tried so long to understand all of this that’s been ongoing for years now and my children are all getting older and I’m alone and feel powerless. 🙏😔❤️🩹
Ever time I try to see my son she calls the police. It’s horrible . I work for the defense department, so Americans can be free. Yet my son is not free our court system is broken. The states should have an independent board of professionals that can evaluate individual cases. Where The court system can have a better evaluation of the situation. The Guardian at lightning are all about money. There work is limited. Ryan thank you for your hard work.
We can't underestimate the minds of children. The TRUTH SHOULD BE TOLD w/o slander. Damn that!!! Transparency, Transparency, Transparency. These kids have exposure and access to way more than we can even imagine in modern day society compared to when we were their age.
Transparency is everything. One of the biggest challenges with PA is that kids are in a dark cloud of brainwashing. No matter what they have access to, the stories they're told change the way they think and see the world, so we have to help them see things differently, then everything in the world will look different. Then, they will see the truth.
It's complicated more complicated than simply the other parent is the problem and manipulating the situation. My dad thought that, but it's just not true. I could see the cracks in their foundation when I was 11. I even said I was thankful they were still together that thanksgiving. I'm a highly intuitive and sensitive person. I observed the cracks in the foundation of their marriage and tried to warn my dad to be more present or things will end in divorce. He didn't he was offended by my honesty that day. Nobody in my family takes me seriously even though I've predicted things throughout my life.
I listened\watched your videos during the time when my kids were alienated and would like to thank you! Now that I am meeting\talking and texting with my son (27 YO) I told him about the nature of a Narcissist for 2 reasons. Explaining to him what his mother did / why we did not speak for 5+ years and so that he may look out for himself as to not to get involved with a Narc, as I did. I found that once we had the "difficult" conversation I felt no more need to delve into the subject. It was as if it was released from me.
It's been 6 years since alienation. Does the 18 year old remember the 12 years of love his mother showed him raising, teaching, guiding him through his life? All the little things and big events cannot have been erased from the father, can it?
No they can not. We store every memory and moment if our lives, even if we can't actively remember it. Your 18 yo remembers who you are, deep down. We just need to get through the wall that alienation creates. I would recommend watching this training that I have available on my site. It's about what do to when your child rejects you. You can register here: joinnow.live/s/CfMwi1 Then if you are interested in getting help with your situation, fill out an application and let me know what you're dealing with, then my team and I will get back to you with a recommended course of action. Ryan
Same happened to me. She acts like she doesn't even know me...we were in good standing until her Dad felt threatened now that I was stable and secure. She slowly backed off, started arguments with me, and heard things like I was "stalking" her when I just sent a text to say to have a nice trip when she went to FL this summer. It was hurtful. She's literally taken on that narcissist personality, just like him. I'm so sad over it all. She just turned 20. We haven't spoken since May.
I feel incredibly alone so grateful for this community and knowledge. I know you need a team to fight this but you have to have financial means to pay for those supports. I’ve had to make the difficult choice to stop fighting the legal system to listen to what’s going on and wait for my daughter to return to me. It’s horrible and devastating.
Me too....i also have a younger child as well...have to be aware of all perspective. Taken 16 years. Shes come around....i think its her guilt i sense & i fucked up when my emotions came out when she said " i grew up without a mother figure" like its an excuse for bad behavior
Your channel has given me hope!!! I’ve coparented with my son’s father for 12 years. When he started dating a woman with financial resources, little by little my son stopped coming home at all. A year has passed and over the last month, my son doesn’t speak to me at all! His dad barely will respond back to me but when I ask him to have my son call me or if we can go shopping or can I pick him up, etc. All I get is “he says he doesn’t want to.” I show up to every baseball tournament, drop off surprise chick fil a at his school, leave gifts on the porch. I’m a ghost. All I want is for his dad to agree to reunification therapy but he won’t respond - why? Because that’s what they wanted all along! To erase me and make girlfriend new mom. It’s heartbreaking!!!
Same boat and mu daughters 6yo and she's the only family I have left sometimes I want to give up and drown. But trying to show her and myself that I won't give up on her or myself. And that I'll always be there for her .... sometimes doesn't seem to be enough but it keeps me getting up everyday and fighting the sobering bs along the way.
@@laurencochran2201 I am in the same situation. Haven't seen my kid because of parental alienation for years. It is very tough. I felt suicidal when it first happened. But you need to forget about your kid ultimately, and focus on your future. I am not bothered by it all anymore, and actually find the whole situation a little bit amusing now. I realise the child is a complete idiot for rejecting me, so who cares. Yes, keep sending the cards and attending the courts etc. Don't give up, because giving up is what the alienating parents wants you to do. But at the same time, ultimately focus on your own happiness, because that is the only thing you can control in this situation . Be happy. Don't allow this nonsense to ruin your life. Your life is worth so much more.
Hi Lindsey, the alienator is almost always very resistant to therapy because they crave control and want to eliminate everyone from your son's life. Good news is that the alienation is quite recent. One of our clients was alienated for almost 50 years and now has her son in her life, so there is a lot we can work with for you. We're happy to review your situation if you're looking for help. I'll post the link here to apply to work with us if interested. form.jotform.com/coachryanthomas/application
@@laurencochran2201 So sorry to hear of what you're going through. Do not give up. I am telling you there is always hope. We have worked with parents who have young children like you do to kids who have grown up and have their own children. Deep down, children need and want both of their parents.
So much good information. My husband and even i have been recently alienated by his now 14 yo daughter (my bonus daughter) Fortunately his 11 yo son who once was believing the mother lies has seen through them on his own! Love the energy two have and how easy you explain this!!
Your channel has been an incredible source of strength, understanding and support for me. I come back to it every six months or so in order to replenish my strength and re-arm myself with the knowledge of how to deal with this terrible situation. A thousand thank yous for your efforts, the good you do here is immeasurable.
Love this ... I'm going on 10 years of dealing with my children's mother alienating me ... she has diagnosed Bipolar Disorder, etc ... she, her mother and sister spew wickedness and lies ... it's ALL they have ... it's ALL they prove they are worth: Wickedness. I like this video because it resonates with my approach ... in those all too uncommon moments I and my children have to hear each other's voice, etc. Never once have I brought strife to any encounter ... and the difficulty is in "self" ... you want desperately to set the record straight ... but unfortunately you have to rely on your children's minds to "grow" through the memories and KNOW that the alienated parent never caused problems ... it was the unwell (psychopath) parent who caused all strife. It takes ... YEARS, and word to the wise ... never wish anything upon your abuser (the alienator) ... instead, stay strong in THE TRUTH: You are either going to reap the benefits of what you've sown with your children at some point ... or your children will because they will eventually SEE THE TRUTH and walk away from the alienator ... at least in heart ... and that wicked alienator will reap what they have sown. Stay strong. Pray. Be diligent and steadfast because things eventually do change.
The truth is what will give you strength. We have helped parents who have too deal with alienation that has lasted for years, so there is always hope. I would encourage you to check out my free training on what to do when your child rejects you. I think you'll find clarity there. Here's the link: joinnow.live/s/CfMwi1
@@bluemoon8268 She's making up allegations, there were also delays with court because of the pandemic. But everything's been reopened for a while now so and appearances were virtual. In between the appearances nobody was doing anything, investigating, nothing. We have a new lawyer. Found out also the judge that was on the case was unqualified. It's painful process I don't wish on anyone.
Its so hard! And if i ever try to talk about it with anyone they always say “just take them to court”. And then i gotta explain to them that i already did that and they dont abide by the court ordered visitation and the court does not care!
Stephen Hassans book on cults talks about how taking this indirect approach is best in dealing with cult members because cult members have been taught by the cult leader to go against and not trust anyone who goes the direct way to question the cult, but the indirect way bypasses the defenses programmed by the cult leader and penetrates the mind.
My husband finally told his daughter what happened to him after 18 years of her treating him as if he's dead. She still wants nothing to do with him. His fear is that she is repeating her mother's patterns of lies and infidelity and narcissism. Now his only question is , does she get mentioned in his obituary or ignored? He tried EVERYTHING , said all the encouraging loving words. He has prayed that she would see the truth and speak to him just one time before he dies, but has scant hope that she will. He has not seen her for 23 years. She is now 37.
Children of narcissists can turn into narcissists themselves, especially if they're the favoured child or golden child and have traits such as lacking empathy for others. It's literally a cycle that repeats through generations. The obituary question is a difficult one, even though he would want to show his love for his lost daughter, mentioning an alientated child is like mentioning a tragedy that occurred in their lifetime rather than remembering the person for the good that they did. If it's just a case of listing her name "loving father of x, y and z" then it seems appropriate to include it, this could be followed by his non-alienated children (if any) expressing that they will miss their much loved father (as the people writing the obituary) but omitting her name from that list, because of course, she was not involved in writing the obituary.
I’ve requested to my husband not to mention my former children in my obituary. They haven’t wanted anything to do with me for 25 years, so why give them the pleasure of thinking that I considered them to be my family members after the way they had treated my and my family (who had nothing to do with whatever turned their dad into the hideous manipulative monster that he became)?
This was absolutely spot on. Self differentiation is the key to freedom not only for the alienated but also for the brainwashed child. Jerry Wise has great youtube videos about self differentiation which really help me❤ thank you so much. I love what you say ...when you are in control of yourself this, in and of itself, influences others ❤..and that what the brainwashed child needs is to discover the truth for themselves..our job is to help them self differentiate and we do this by being a loving example
Thank you soo much. It is very painful to understand the abuse my children are exposed to, and being helpless. After listening to you I am more confident that my intuition is the more appropriate approach , to support my children to deal with the trauma instead of unloading the truth onto them.
Thank you Ryan for the videos. My new wife and I for the last few months have noticed the kids (boy 15 girl 13) taking a few hours and maybe even a day from the time we pick them up until they loosen up and become themselves like normal around us. this weekend we watched my son play in a soccer tournament where my daughter was also with my ex since it was her time with them and to our surprise the kids did not say hi to us or even wanted to be with us. there are so many feelings that come over you when your son and daughter are literally 10 feet from you and they don't even look at you or say hi. It was so obvious and ugly that even the other parents noticed and felt bad for us, which made my wife and I a bit uncomfortable, but it makes US so SAD even though We know it is only because their mom is present and that she must have coached them prior to the event. when its the other way around we encourage the kids to go over and say hi and stay as long as they want with her, we try to make it as easy for them as possible. When we get them for our time sharing, after the first few hours or maybe a whole day after picking them up, I guess after they put their guard down or decompress they are like themselves again, normal, happy, funny, silly like they normally are. even with their grandparents which is so happy to see. should we address what happened at the soccer tournament this weekend with them in any way? even if its just to say that we understand the circumstances but it still hurt us? or just ignore it? why would a father or in this case a mother would do this to their children? don't they see the long term damage this will causes? I really want to say WTF is wrong with them, how selfish that is. Im sorry I just cant believe a parent can do such thing. thank you for your advise and videos, they help a lot. God Bless you all
It is absolutely true that as a parent you must use critical thinking to solve this problem your child is being manipulated to extremes and they will act in a cult way if you don't let them analyze the problems being posed by the alienator. offer alternative views and let the child resolve them offer truth and rationality but without direct attachment to you let them discover the truth and respond to questions they have mindfully. this can only apply if you have contact you must think and act outside the box explore life with your children and show the world in a different light than the alienators. show them your nothing like the alienator's view of you by not reacting to the harsh things they may say to you but questioning what they are saying simply and calmly as an alienated parent and someone still in the process, i have forced my way in through courts and persistence and this takes a toll on you physically and mentally as I'm sure everyone here knows, the rabbit hole is when you feel you are the problem and you almost feel that you are becoming the alienator for me i think it is because i spend far too. much time in the moment and trying to understand the alienator lets not forget they are projecting themselves onto you by deflecting their truth of themselves and this is usually done by gaslighting and the use of the family courts. if you are dealing with this and you have any contact with your child, children keep going even though your battle is a battle with society and an unpunished crime your fight is a just one but it is also a fight with yourself the only truth i can offer you is don't let go of yourself remember why you are fighting as this is the clearest indicator of who you are and that is a decent human who understands right from wrong but most of all someone capable of loving someone else something the alienator does not understand but desperately wants to know how to mimic. As a parent, you must remember that children are victims of this crime and they have no voice you are their voice the family courts the police, and society are trying to drown you out because they can not comprehend the truth those of you who have managed to expose this crime keep going as those of us who for whatever reason have lost contact need more voices to be heard to help those who were not heard. This crime causes people to commit suicide because society fails the true parents faced with leaving their children in the care of people with mental problems. RyanThomasSpeaks have you any videos on this with victims of this crime?
I wish there was live in person events I would definitely attend . Either way I found this channel at a perfect moment in my day ❤️ thank you for all that you do . 17 years of this and defeated is an understatement.
Wow. This is so very helpful- u helped me see more clearly about what has gone on. I have been aware somehow that there has been trash talking but I seriously didn't see the toxicity of this and actually blamed myself and took so much personally and couldn't imagine what I done so horrible! You have helped me put things into perspective and see more clearly. Opened my eyes to see ..thank you! I just found this this morning and just wow I have a feeling of hope now!
I am a targeted mum of 2 beautiful girls who i once shared a healthy and loving relationship. They have been alienated from me for 5 years , I just want to say thank you for all the videos you share , you have helped me keep hope , I live in Denmark in the EU and it has been a nightmare as the system is just not educated in parental alienation and my kids are still kept hostage by my ex who was severly abusive to me and now he abuses my kids to hurt me , this is devastating and has left me with cpstd , Im not done fighting to get them back , i will reopen yet another court case . Would be so great if i can have a talk with you for advice.
I loved your video , very true ,so many people and children , are getting hurt ,in this situation ,but there's no help out there , there should be some help , thank you for this video please , make more videos like this God 🙏 bless you all
It took years for me to start seeing what was really going on and the damage had been done. The more I pushed the truth, the more it made things worse. At that point, both my girls suffered depression, anxiety, low self-esteem etc.... For them to truly understand the scope of it, the guilt for their part would be too much. I didn't see that until this summer when I read my 21 year old daughter's journal after she died from an overdose. She could never be okay. She believed I didn't care about her and all her friend's mom's were at home. I gave her evidence that her dad had lied to her and she refused to look at it. Anxiety started at 12 for her and she needed security. She hated herself for some of the things she said and did to me. All I can say, if your child starts treating you very differently where you had a good relationship prior, tell your attorney, judge, school counselor.... Anyone who will hear what you are saying and do it ASAP to minimize the damage to your children.
This has happened to me...word for word. Except she's still alive. Everyone tells me "love will find a way" and that's it. I know what she's going through and I feel like there's a wall I can't pass to save her. I don't know what to do. She stopped communicating at 19. She still lives with her Dad. She just turned 20. I need help
@@eyesopentotruth oh Lord... I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I sent multiple emails to my ex on how much harm he was causing our daughters in his vendetta against me. There's a number of parents who haven't talked to their children in over 20 years or more..., so Love does not always find a way. When I put myself in my children's shoes, expecting them to see the truth, it became clear how much more guilt and shame they would feel for seeing their part in the situation. It's self-preservation for them not to see the truth. PA is so wrong, it is a form of child abuse, and yet there are no laws against it in most States. It is completely unfair to the alienated parent and the children involved. I suppose, I would try to find someone online you can get to help you with reuniting with your child. There truly is something wrong with anyone who can't see past his/her own needs and knowingly continues that kind of behavior. 3 years, my daughter didn't speak to me, and she developed a bad addiction to drugs. She called me from jail one day and I found her a rehab. She went 13 months sober and learned to take responsibility for her actions. In doing that, she developed more shame and guilt for her treatment towards me. A couple things happened and she relapsed. She never made it back to her apartment and she died alone in her car. I read her journals and I went through her phone and I'm heartbroken at the level of pain she carried. I'm broken now after the death of my daughter and certainly shouldn't be giving any advice. When I realized that my fighting for them also contributed to their pain, I was blown away. For that reason, I firmly believe you shouldn't give up, but I think you should seek help in your approach to make sure your your child sees it from a loving aspect. You will be in my prayers and I'm rooting for your success.
I love these videos as they have helped me very much. This one spends too much time explaining what they are going to explain. The first 5 minutes are them explaining what they are about to explain and then there's an ad. So to anyone about to read this...fast forward 5 minutes - and that's when the video actually begins.
One situation that I hardly hear talked about is when the target of abuse leaves after years of abuse. They win custody... and the other parent is alienating a child or children while they are living with the healthier parent because they still have a stronghold!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! This is exactly what I needed to hear today. So much useful information and your compassionate nature allowed me see things from a different perspective. A better, less defensive one. Grateful for this video.
I can’t believe how many of us there are. A bitter, vindictive ex will carefully train the children over the years to feel guilty for having anything to do with the "erased parent" and even that parent's family members . When the kids grow up without the erased parent and her family in their lives for so long, they have no memories, no traditions, no loyalty, and ultimately no need for this side of their family in their lives. It becomes the grown-up kids' choice then to continue the ugliness and to deliberately alienate that side of their family. 10 yrs ago, after decades of my now middle-aged kids (now in their 40s) rejecting my attempts to invite them back into my life only to be met with outright hatred time and time again, I eventually moved on without them for the sake of my self-respect and general sanity. You can't force someone to love you. But it's heartbreaking to have to explain to my 83-year-old mom over and over again why her grandchildren want nothing to do with her.
“Everybody thought it was horrible. Now it is good…”I don’t know Ryan. From my personal experience living within pathogenic family systems this thought strategy can easily lead to total and utter nothing. Somehow it implies this space where if you do great and well and are healthy and lovely than everything will fall into place which in reality is one of the things in behavior that one finds not only not working or leading to calm positive outcomes but rather often seemingly making it worse. Just as loosing yourself over your own authenticity as she mentions…appreciate this exchange as it shows how differentiated it can be seen. Great contribution.
I agree. I'm being alienated from my niece (by my sister, who also alienated the child from her father soon after she was born). So far, I've done everything by the book, making sure my niece knows that I love her and avoiding negative talk. However, this has had the effect of her perceiving her mother's love as something she has to win over (with compliance) whereas I am there to be taken for granted. I've always been the family scapegoat (my sister is the golden child turned narcissist), but things have recently escalated, whereby my niece is being coached into using me as the scapegoat. My mother (has narcissitic traits and is enabled by my sister) is also involved and encouraging my niece to see me as the scapegoat. They're doing this to show my niece the consequences of not complying with a mother's demands, at an age when she was starting become more independent minded. They've crushed that out of her. I fel like I've reached the end of the road and I want to give up.
Yes! I feel like I have lost my very identity during divorce because I also lost my dad around the same time, was kicked out of house and he told the girls i abandoned them. I was unfaithful and he used that that I deserved punishment.
I have adult children. My youngest had started to show signs of alienation in his college years. I didn't know what it was at the time. As he's gotten older (he's 34 now) it got worse. It really escalated around his 8/2016 wedding 10 months after his father passed away at 58. I got a light-bulb moment when he wanted his stepmother and his half sisters to sit in the front row as his mother. He told me "you divorced my father; you don't deserve to be my mother at my wedding." This is the stepmother that had a two year affair with their dad which started when they were 1 and 3. His father and I divorced when they were 3 and 6. The stepmother, their dad and dad's family have been the alienators. Now, I'm realizing my mother has joined in in the last few years. I was getting counseling at the time and was counseled to tell the truth about the affair at this point. That's resulted in total alienation from both boys since 2016. I keep sending gifts, cards etc. but my youngest won't communicate and my oldest one has had some communication. Help!
Hi Deb, I appreciate you sharing your situation here, and I think this is something we can help you with. If you go to this page, you'll learn how to work with us, and there will be a button at the bottom to apply. Just answer the questions in it and tell us about your situation, then we'll review it and determine what our plan would be for you. ryanthomasspeaks.com/work-with-ryan-thomas/
I've been alienated from my son (and his wife and my 2 grand daughters) for about 4 years now. My son paid an attorney to send me letters. The first was a CEASE AND DESIST to notify me that if I try to contact him or any family member any more, that he can sue me. The attorney said that since in California grandparents have no rights, that I will lose and be forced to pay all court costs. And so I stopped trying to reconnect with him. The second letter I got from the attorney was to threaten me with a restraining order. My son had confiscated 4 books that I had mailed to his mother-in-law for reading to the two girls. (I never put my name on them - my psychological counselor said that it was important for the girls to know eventually that I always loved them and did not abandon them.) My son gave those books to the attorney who sent a letter stating that I was about to be issued a restraining order for this. At this point, I never again want to see my son or his wife (who stands by his side.). I hope when the two granddaughters are adults, that they can come to see me and I can show them the legal threats from my son's attorney.
In the video, thank you for the affirmation of being a strong warrior on the right track. My mind has been abused immensely with a constant pressure leading to self-doubt. There is almost no possibility of other people to understand the extra toll we have to bear if they are not familiar with narcissism... So all in all it gets really frustrating over time. Again, I consider my personality to have a solid core that was tested heavily even before meeting my narc partner and having kids with her. But the 'game/war's is so heavy that even this seemingly unimportant affirmation means the world to me at the moment (we are trying to reach an agreement over our 2 small kids. Guess what folks, so far no success. Surprisingly :) Words and actions never correspond and they never will) May the force be with us!
The narc mother alienated my children, only her own family is important. It is as if they try to mirror their mother, although knowing I am loving etc. I once trie to explain why we divorced but I do not want to use my children as tools in this battlefield
Hi, I need some help with this. No one will help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost both my children. I’m dying of a broken heart. I am not a bad person.
This video helped me a lot, believe it or not. I watched a lot of videos about alienation (how to coach a kid to develop their own thinking), but this one influence me to go further. Thank you for that! I connect what you said to BPD (in my case) ex-wife play of "you are bad" by using a child. I feel these messages from the child when I interact with her and how that influences me to try better and not to be bad instead of just being me, who is crazy great father. It's silly (or insaine) how it almost convinced me otherwise. ❤
Very accurate diagnosis, but the prescription will ONLY work if you(or someone of good faith) has some level of access to the child. How about attacking the injustice via equal shared parenting legislation which would be a quantum leap forward in de-targeting children???
So many people say to just give up. I can't do that. I am so heartbroken and have never met my grandson, but he will now return texts occasionally and send me pictures
Sometimes I think the best thing as an alienated parent, is to protect yourself. Yes, absolutely keep going through the motions, keep sending the cards (which the kid won't get anyway) and keep attending the court hearings. But I think the most important thing, is to focus on not really caring about the child in the end. You have to put your mental and physical health for yourself first. It is far more important that YOU are happy. Sod the alienated kid. The key to survival and happiness in the world is to be an ice cold, hard person. If the child wants to reject you, so be it. Learn to love yourself and to be happy, because you cannot control the child's actions, or those of the alienating parent. Most of these alienated kids who reject their parents are idiots from what I have seen, and aren't deserving of a good parent.
I have no contact at all with my 20 year old daughter. She’s been gone for 7 years. I just watched this video but don’t see how anything I heard can be applied in our case.
This has been a very empathizing video for targeted parents... However... All it tells me is what not to say... I don't have any answers. What do I say!?!
As badly as I want my daughter to understand the truth, or to know the truth. I can't do that to her. She loves her grandma and she's her comfort person and I just can't find it in myself to disrupt the image she has of her grandma. The last thing in Bellas best interest is for me to come to her with facts only to cause her to question virtually everything and everyone afterwards. The truth prevails. It's hard watching my daughter doubt me and letting her grandmother lie to her and make me out to be the liar and instill in Bella that I don't want her or miss her all while grandma is the liar and she's the one in the wrong. And she knows it. But my daughters been through enough already. Besides, she's 8. She isn't going to understand and I don't want to cause any more confusion for her whatsoever. But when I text and try to talk to my daughter or see her or anything at all, I get radio silence. For 2 weeks in between the 2 hours her grandma let's me be involved in their lives, the 2 weeks I'm between I get nothing. So when Bella comes to me and calls me a liar and rolls her eyes, all I can do is sit there and tell her I've tried and that I do love her and miss her. I can't force her grandmother to come to her senses before she does real psychological harm to Bella. All I can do is bend and jump until I find a lawyer. But how do we as alienated parents, hold it together when we aren't allowed pics with our kids? Or allowed to know about their schools or doctors or dreams and nightmares? I won't be the one who delivers the truth to Bella. Unfortunately she'll have to see that on her own in time. It's just so sad.
Nah, u messing up. Would u want someone to hold the key to your happiness and normal mental and emotional development to let u go on in life n possibly end up scarred n screwed for life??
@@heredij215 if I was almost 9yo I wouldn't want to be anymore confused then I already am. I would want to feel stable and secure in everything I could until I was old enough to comprehend and see for myself. Who I am to be an adult, her mother, and tell her almost everything she's been led to believe by her grandma is false? When she still lives there. Who am I to disrupt her homelife and sense of stability and her emotional understanding? Does she deserve the truth ? Absolutely. Am I prepared to give it to her? Absolutely. When the time comes to do so. When I can deliver her the facts in a way it doesn't hurt her image of her gma. Her gma is wrong in every single way for keeping us apart the way she does. For lying to her over and over again and instilling a sense of being unwanted in my daughter. She will answer for herself. She can be the one to tell and explain to Bella that everything was a lie and she was scared or hurt or whatever her reason is to do what she's done and is doing to us still. Telling Bella the truth rn isn't in her best interest. She doesn't need to feel conflicted anymore than she already is. I'm not withholding the key to her happiness by choosing not to distort her reality. I'm leading by example. Like her gma should be doing. When this gets brought in front of a judge, all will be set right.
@@ladyixchel I’m speaking as that 9 yr old who went thru that & wanted someone to stand up for me, to save me, help me out n no one ever came. I’m 35 n it’s being done to my 5 yr old n soon to be 9 yr old n I stand up for them every single time n they love and appreciate me for it cuz they know sumn ain’t right n dad ain’t letting nobody screw them over if he can help it cuz dad always rides for his kids. But guess what?? Nobody still is putting an end to the bs cuz the majority of ppl r weak n selfish. They won’t ride for their own seed they created. Instead they’ll watch them become jacked up when they coulda, at the very least, done the most to try to prevent the trauma from taking over
@@heredij215 oh I see what you're saying. Well I must definitely am sticking up for her and doing my best to come in and save her. Every effort I make is to try and prevent generational trauma from impacting her to the best of my abilities. Unlike my mom who didn't stand up for herself or for me and my brother. She was sick. We were kids. But I stood up for myself. I wanted to end the toxicity in any way possible. Keep it from spreading to my kids. I was successful in that. I put my step dad in prison for 15 years, where he passed away. Where he was kept away from harming anyone ever again. Like my mom should've done from the jump. So what do I do while the time passes and I wait for a reasonably priced lawyer and I'm being alienated from my daughter who is now experiencing All this shit she shouldn't have to experience, who I haven't talked to in 4 months? All I can do to show her I care and I'm here for her and haven't given up, is write to her everyday. I let her know everything. All of my thoughts plans actions. So that when I finally can come through and give them to her, she can read for herself that I haven't given up. I hope it can help her like you have your kids. All the things I've done during separation is to build myself up better so that I'm the best me she can get when it's all said and done. If there's anything I can do to keep the generational trauma from spreading, I wanna do it. It takes 2 though. One would think her gma would want what's best for her granddaughter. She studies psychology for fuck sake. 🙄🤦♀️😓yet she's doing this to Bella anyway. For the time being, my hands are tied. But once I get them loose, it's over rover. My mom could've spared my brother and I lifetimes worth of abuse and trauma, had she of had the resources we have today for mental health and had she of been confident in her resilience like we were growing up, maybe she wouldn't have taken her own life for whatever reason. I refuse for all of every moment of every day I spend without my kids, to be in vain. They most definitely deserve someone in their corner. 100% your kids are lucky to have you. 🤍
My now deceased husband was on the receiving end of a horrible campaign of parental alienation by the mother of his children. He had immense presence of mind and was always careful NOT to try to fight to get his perspective across to the children, as he saw that that would put a lot of stress on them and get them caught up in the middle of a conflict. He always just focused upon having a nice time with them, trying to establish some calm, and normal experiences for them. In the end, he was pushed out and didn't see them for the final six years of his life. He was waiting patiently for them to mature and come back to him. Now they will never be able to do that, as he passed away last year. Now that he isn't there for them to return to and feel his hugs and rebuild their relationship, I wonder what will happen to them. Nobody seems particularly concerned about them.
I am in the same place your husband was... Hurting...waiting... for my daughter to want to talk... 2 and half years now... I moved on after being to court 28 times of defending against false accusations and winning every time. Sorry for your loss... I stay away just so she can have peace.
@@jeremymichaels5959 So sorry to hear what you and your daughter have been put through. I saw on another video that children have to feel 'safe' that they won't attacked and punished by the alienator in order to open up. They are under a reign of silent terror! I hope she comes back to you soon.
My kids are 18 and no matter how and why I tell them they don’t care about how I feel or at list try to understand the truth . They help the narc to take the little one away from me !!!
Be patient. Dont throw your truth in their face at once. Slowly show who you are. Dont tell them they or the other parent are wrong. Just be "soft and gentle" Try to spend time with the child and not talk about it too much. They are torn in 2 worlds. But when they see you display something very different, calm, light, caring. In their mind they will already start a dialog in thoughts. Let them go through that. Like said in the video, it doesnt help to speak the truth, that will cause a war in their heads and so much pressure because the other parent is speaking in their minds too. Take it slowly, show who you are. After a while just make a light conversation about what they experience, what they think and feel and be understanding. Be careful when defending yourself. Dont mix emotions in it. But you can let them see it hurts you, but not too much. It shows you are sensitive too. Its quite hard. My mom is someone who is the alienator, didnt work on me for I knew the truth. My sis on the other hand really still believes my dad raped my mom which is absolutely not true. He was far too depressed and broken to say or do much about it. It was the end of him, he comitted suicide.
The video says it so well Dont speak the truth but show it They have to question themselves or their truth / thoughts They have to see the things not lining up Dont pressure it, let them figure it out by you showing you are different than what the other makes you out to be. Also the alienator is always the most pressuring ones. A child is more likely to move to a place when they can be themselves and think for themselves rather than pressure, power.
@@DisforDogs1 I'm very sorry to hear about your father. My kid doesn't want anything to do with me for the last 4 years because she believes their mom. They are an adult now, and I can only hope someday she'll want to talk.
It's a step by step process in showing your kid who you really are, rather than just stating the truth. That will just make them put their guard up. We're happy to review your situation if you're looking for help. I'll post the link here to apply to work with us if interested. form.jotform.com/coachryanthomas/application
Great question! My 7 year old daughter accused me of punching her in the past visit. It's impossible to prove it didn't happen and arguing against an insane lie is just absurd, so I kindly offered to take her to the hospital to be assessed by a doctor and get treatment and also suggested we go make a police report and she changed the subject and decided to draw a picture instead and asked to make cupcakes. She could not comprehend what she was saying, she was just repeating what she was told to say. Also, it was a way to talk about what her resources are if she feels unsafe or needs to tell someone. I laid the groundwork that she did the right thing to speak up and tell an adult if someone is hurting her, no matter who that person is. (her father will end up hurting her because that is who he is. Or what if he married a mean stepmom.) I want her to know that she has options and a community around her besides just her father and his parents.
I told my daughter of course she said she's not brainwashed. But at least she can think about and know about it. It took me years to finally know that this is what it was when I read about parental alienation it just blew me away. Cuz I knew there was a scenario but I never knew there was a name for it
Where do I find your services and literature? I spoke with another parent coach, a national expert and she was 1. Not trauma informed 2. Used being blunt as an excuse 3. Spent 15 min of the 60 minutes I wasted lots of $$$$ on her "correcting" me for expressing interest in her male counterparts work on the other side of the nation. The two of you seem genuine and more interested in helping than putting down other people and our family therapist for not having her Vitae in her website. She was alienating and probably didn't realize it. I would rather work with positive energy and trauma informed people.
I would recommend starting with my free training on what to do when your children have rejected you: ryanthomasspeaks.com/training. We are all about positive energy, and I'm glad that our energy resonates with you.
Hello Ryan, thank you for your helpful videos and advise on how to find ways to connect with alienated children. Unfortunately, my BF has been the alienated parent for the past 6 years. He has 3 minor children with his co-parent & they’ve Been officially divorced a year now. We had our hopes for the time sharing, visitation, and communication with the children to be more frequent, more accessible & easier as time went on, but it’s been actually getting worst. He was diagnosed with an auto immune disease 10 months ago (still not under control); and he does not have any communication with his children on a regular basis. They used to wait until 3 - 4 am to call him and speak to him freely after their mom was sleeping, but all of that stopped. He tried reaching out to his co-parent with no luck. He tried to speak to his co-parent about his deteriorating health yet she declined wanting to talk about it. He was forced to change the frequency of his time sharing with the children due to his health yet he leaned on phone calls and text messages for a couple of months. Now, his reality is that no matter the time calls, texts or tries a video call, the kids NEVER pick up his calls. Very seldom he gets a reply on a text days after (if he is lucky). He believes his co-parent blocking his calls and text messages so the children don’t hear from their father as she has done in the past. The court ordered the family to communicate using a parenting app because of previous history of the children and their mother going “Ghost” for months, moving houses frequently, changing schools and phone numbers and because the mother can be verbally abusive towards my BF. He’s been forced to call the police and do a well being check on his children and even after doing so, he has not been contacted by the children. He had to go to the mothers’s house with a witness to see what is going on with the children and he was only allowed to see them for less than 20 mins. They seemed nervous not comfortable. They did not say much about school, vacation plans, upcoming birthdays. It’s not easy for him to be faced with the reality of the lack of communication with his children. He is now dealing with major depression on top of his thyroid disease and we really do not know how we should handle things from here. He is a fighter and he will never stop trying to be back in his Childrens’s lives but we could really use some guidance & advise from you. Thank you & God Bless
Hi Dei, I appreciate you sharing your situation here. What I'd recommend is filling out an application to tell us more about your situation, so we can review it in depth and determine if this is something can help you with. Go to this link, and you'll see a button further down to "Apply to GTB." Click on that and you'll be guided through a few questions. It will probably take about 10-15 minutes at most to complete.
I can almost guarantee you that your BF autoimmune disease is caused by the trauma sustained from his ex's PA abuse, as well as her toxic energy. Nandecsent colloidal Iodine helps with thyroid issues. My advice, your BF needs to back off from engaging with his ex. You need to give him a lot of support. He has to give himself the chance to heal otherwise he will get more sick. This is a long battle that can take many years to win. So let's say a PA battle is like 12 round boxing match. Right now it looks like he is in round three.
Going through it now with step grandchildren. Someone I thought was good and reasonable has turned utterly demonic. Worst of all she met a known domestic abuser on tinder and within a few weeks allows him to be alone with the children for an extended period of time.
I am alone and isolated. It's been 20 years. Now my child lost her 8-year-old child. Everyone around her is telling her I don't accept her. She appears to have self-hate issues. She has been told things about me I have never done, like condemning her. They have taught her to how to treat me. She does not want me at all. I try messenger on FB, she doesn't do messenger. I talk to her on phone and she doesn't want me around her and will not tell me why. I try the phone again when her child dies and there is no communication, just short forced answers. She curses at me in a letter through mail when I had to let her go from a job she would not work. Narcissistic siblings of mine helped our mother alienate our dad. Our mother and a particularly angry sibling toward our dad are dead from premature death. They are repeating the cycle again. It's gone on 5 generations now that I know. I don't see an end to it for her.
Alienators dont think of their Children and the damage, hurt and pain their behaviors cause. All that matters is that they hurt the Targeted Parent. I'll never understand how someone can do that to their Children and the Human that made the Children with them. I went thru it 15 years ago with my first exwife. Our Children are now 23 and 21.All the lies, games and falsehoods they were told about me 😥. I've tried to rebuild those bonds we once had. My 2 Sons know everything now. To no avail, the damage has already been done. They don't always come back... It is with a heavy heart writing this. I am now going thru it all over again with my 2nd exwife and our 3 Children together. My 2nd exwife witnessed how my 1st exwives behaviors ruined me. The damage, hurt and pain she caused.... My 2nd exwife is doing the same things as my 1st exwife. It's like She stole her playbook of pain. I havent seen or talked with my 3 Children in 2 months now. I still show up for every pick up, just to be denied. I reach out and text to just be ignored.... Before this I was very involved with our Children. Never missed Parenting Time. Involved with their Schooling and Sports.My 12 year old Son was calling me everyday, keeping me on the phone for 3 - 4 hours most times. The last time I heard his voice was on my voicemail 2 months ago. It was a 3 minute message of him crying. At the end he said, "my dad hates me. My dad hates me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.".... My poor little boy 😥 😭
It is not possible to win against psychopaths… they never give up and do not care about the harm they do to their children providing they can punish their ex. Many people rightly walk away to give the child peace. Parental conflict causes more harm to a child than separation.
I agree. I had to choose either walk away or continue the chaos. I gave my kids peace. They then accused me of abandonment.I explained it all to them but they hate my guts. Their dad told me when we got divorced that he would make sure I never ever saw them again and that they would hate me. He did a great job. He will stand before God for his sins.
It's not just about punishing an ex, sometimes it's driven by pure narcissism (they want their child to revere them and never challenge them, because narcissists see children as extensions of themselves not as people who might think differently) so they seek to get rid of external influences who might encourage the child to think independently. I speak as an aunt who is being alienated from her niece.
@@reignfoliath5022 Yep, because when you walked away, the alienator's narrative changed to "if she loved you, she wouldn't have walked away". I fully understand your desire to want your kids to have "conflict-free" peace. I hope that they realise this, eventually.
My daughter and I cant make up; she is turned into a vindictive evil doer, just like her Stepmother. Zero empathy (for anyone) and seems to have the Dark Tetrad features of malignant narcissism. She punishes me with ZEAL over how I slurped my soup! My son turned out just like his father and allowed me to be attacked with minutiae for years. No chance of discussion for me, they accuse me of the narratives they were taught. I admit to crying, begging, groveling for forgiveness of whatever they wanted, and I was dismissed over and over. Dad all GREAT, Mom all BAD. It nearly destroyed me, I was suicidal for almost 2 years, every single day! It took 30 ECT (shock) treatments to save my life. Crisis makes you grow, my own studying to figure out how bad a "narcissistic mother with borderline personality" opened my eyes to who had issues. Dr. Amy Baker and Dr. Craig Childress' explanations gave me great comfort only two weeks ago. I have developed the sensitivity that I can't fix this. I've moved on, accept the child I built has been ruined socially and mentally, no matter the courts trying to get help, we were always to be doomed.
I think I grasp the points that you are trying to get across. I also understand that 'one size doesn't easily fit all'. However (and I mean no offence here at all) Americans do seem to over-complicate and over-verbalise the English Language. Clearly it is a very difficult subject but I almost wish this could be explained as dot points. So, the question: Should you tell your child the truth? The answer is in fact 'No', not 'Yes' as you suggest in your summary. You should just let them work out the facts themselves by your actions. Nevertheless, I greatly appreciate your efforts to tackle and explain this very thorny issue that is only lately being addressed.
@@ryanthomasspeaks Fully understand and many thanks for your efforts. It is a complex and sensitive issue which clearly requires attention. As a lay person, trying to grasp the issues raised is difficult.
Very helpful and relevant to the phenomenon. A great video that frames it in just the right way. I've learned so much about myself through this experience; specifically that I am very awesome and have a lot to offer in this lifetime. And I would not have discovered this fully if I had continued to stay married to the perpetrator alienating parent.
My daughter wasn't alienated... but her mother sure tried. There were long periods when we didn't see each other... but she was always thrilled to see me. She always defended me despite the harm. I thought it would never happen, but at 21 yo and 14 years since I was first arrested (on groundless allegations) she is starting to ask questions. At least in my case, the important part is to be sensitive to what she can handle. Only offer what she asks for, and you are so right, it is hard "not to let the dogs out." She has spent a lifetime caregiving her mother... I try to preserve her from caregiving her father too. Mostly, I try to make sure she knows how deeply I love and respect her. The advice on "grey" is so ideal. The child needs to make her own conclusions. The child needs to be trusted.
Listen to the advice for early intervention. This happened to me years before my divorce, and it was made clear if I divorced I would lose my kids all together. Back then nobody knew what alienation was and I knew I would lose custody and the kids would live with their abuser. So I waited, now they are grown, and I have no family. There was nothing I could do to prevent it even once I figured it out. The joke is on them because he’s an alcoholic psychopath.
The best key I have learned as my ex has been trying to alienate me is to apologise well and clearly for pretending things were better than they were, and to take responsibility for how I am feeling, clearly stating it to my teen with fantastic boundaries. Boundary learning was one of the first things I had to devote lots of energy to. My teens have chosen my ex as parent because he did not leave the house. This was devastating but I was advised not to take it personally. That has resulted in the teens choosing to plan activities near me so they can stay here for convenience and that gives us more time together. Age Appropriate truth has been vague categories “I left because I did not feel physically or emotionally safe. I do not like being sworn at, and I would like to only have people speak respectfully with me. I am so sorry that this has caused you to be in the middle.” And to speak the truth without directly going at the lie. The lie was “She never stopped provoking me.” The truth I stated in an argument between my two teens was “no matter how provoked to anger you feel, you are responsible for your words and the impact they have on others.” In this way my children can clearly see what I stand for and what my values are. And behind the scenes they can see why I left. As time has progressed the last six months I can now give more truth without reacting like this “Oh I am so enjoying my birthday today. There is no anxiety of someone putting me down and I get to spend it with my two favourite people.” This statement caused my teen son to ask me what I meant, inviting the truth. “Well son you never saw it but there were always mean comments made about who I am on my birthday, usually after he had given me a very thoughtful gift. I am enjoying the simple peace of today.” The other wonderful thing happening now is that I am showing them the person I wanted to be, discussing my new hobbies, skills, opportunities, discussing the embarrassing things I did as a teen, and listening to anything about their mundane moments in their lives. I know he will not pay attention, but I do, and they see again who I am. Even though we are not through this divorce yet and I am certainly no expert, I am sharing in the hopes it will help someone like me who wants to get ahead of the abusive alienator. Ryan I am very grateful this video popped up.
I have been alienated for closer to three years now my children and constantly reject me they believe I have no say in their lives and I am told of that I am lucky to even get time to spend with them. Unfortunately, I cannot afford returning because I’ve already exhausted all savings and money and unfortunately we are in the most corrupt county in Illinois, cook county
My God in heaven! Oh thank you! I just this minute started listening and I’m just saying thank you ahead of time holy cow how do you think this was alienation? I was exiled. Banished is the legal term for it. For two years. OK let me get back to listening. I am so thrilled God bless you both!
I'm a victim of alienation. Children are around 12, how can I get them back in my life? They are telling professionals that they want no form of contact with me. This is child abuse!
What happens when the child (14 at rupture and divorce) is now an adult nearly 22 has ghosted the target parent since the 21st birthday? Are THEY the narcissist as is the favorite parent? What happens if the child-now-adult presents exactly as cruel and hateful as the favoured parent? What strategy then?
Have a 6 yo son as well and ex had him FaceTime me happy birthday and told me it was the right thing to do but does not apply that with my 15 yo daughter who is the only daughter left in home now…
Im so frustrated my 18 yr old is so controlled that if I said it was sunny outside and she said it was snowing he would spend 5 minutes bundling up before looking outside. and shes the liar..
Depending on the child's developmental level, you can tell him or her, "Your mother (or father) wants you to be mad at me. You don't know this yet, but she wants to make me go out of your life forever. I want you to know that I will not let this happen."
