SIGNS YOU’RE DATING A SEVERELY AVOIDANTLY ATTACHED PERSON with Tawny 

@marilyn I have also noticed this as well. There is much emphasis here on YT on what seems like adapting to the avoidants behavior. I agree with giving everyone a chance and no one chooses their attachment style. There are often behaviors that go beyond attachment and are more personality defects. Poor or nonexistent communication, along with most deactivating strategies, comes to mind. It’s up to all of us to set boundaries and not tolerate being treated unwell.

Yes to everything you both said. Even if someone has a certain attachment style, that’s not the real issue. The concern that I consider is: does this person want to work on their stuff and be in a relationship or not. I think that there are certain things people can do to accomodate their partner’s attachment style but acquiescing and bending over backwards for someone who isn’t our emotional level who isn’t also stepping up is not a recipe for a functional relationship.

You so nailed this . Ken does no BS , insightful real life truth. Many other channels cater to Avoidants.

The choice would be to leave, live your life, and see if they want to reach back out and you set boundaries for them to work on it. If they don’t really show interest in working on themselves, let them hit 40 when they’ve exhausted all of their connections they’ve burned. Maybe they might be willing then but it’ll be too late

@@KenReidCo such a painful lesson... you can not help those who do not want to be helped. To me it feels like there is a red button and a green button right in front of us, and all we have to do is both press green and we are in heaven. So of course I press green, look up... and they pressed red... so I explain them the game, hey we just need to both press green, come on, it will be amazing, I get excited, I press green again, and man I just can't wait to get back to heaven, I can feel it already it is so close, and... they pressed red... then red again... and again... and again... Thank you for your videos, they were the ones that finally clicked for me. I'm recovering from a super short, but super intense anxious-avoidant trap situationship and break up, and nobody understands why I'm so broken. I don't understand why I'm so broken. Even my therapist of 5 years, who is otherwise excellent, couldn't really understand and help me. All my friends and family keep telling me to just move on, question why I am so hung up on such a short fling. In many ways, it was more intense more meaningful and more emotional than my marriage of 3 years and the divorce after, which is an absolute mindf*ck. It affected my work, and even the time I spend with my child, insane! How is this even possible? There are a few other good videos out there that explain the mechanics and the dynamic very well, but you somehow also mirror back and validate our emotions and pain so effectively, that it is just healing. After watching a couple of your videos, I finally felt heard and validated and understood. I'm not crazy. Yes, the love was real, and the proof is actually all the weird painful stuff that suddenly made it not work. It's like we live in mirror universes, left is right and up is down. At our core, we are the same, which is why we could have this incredible connection, but our coping stategies are polar opposites. I am bent left, she is bent right, and instead of straightening each other out, we both broke, but in different places. Again, thank you. I can finally start moving on. I will be loved again, and I will be able to love again. I'll patch up the holes in my soul that this experience exposed that I have, and learn. I'll do a much better job the next time in attracting the right person, and in filtering out the ones who are just not ready for or not capable of a true relationship.

Spiritwanderer: A lot of your list is true for my ex. Question: What attachment style would you say YOU have? Because I realized that I'M avoidant too. The pattern of me magically putting myself in 'situationships' even though I've had at least 2 truly attractive women want ME in a full committed relationship and I eventually bailed or 'slow faded.'

@@bluecoffee8414 I can tell you who I WAS when I met my ex, I felt secure although I did have at the time a fear of abandonment and people pleasing tendencies so I would say I was probably anxiously attached but didn't know it because I didn't know anything about the attachment theory. Now 4.5 months post breakup and no contact I'm still working through grief but I'm no longer anxiously attached with anyone, I worked through it in therapy. I see now why I attracted such relationships, they were familiar to my subconscious mind based on how I received love when I was little, so my idea of love was twisted enough. Whether you are secure or not, we will all at some point bump into (not necessarily atttact) avoidants, but when you are secure and know attachment theory in depth you just don't let them waste your time anymore and move on if they start their push pull game. I already met many avoidants since my breakup but I no longer allow them to be part of my life.

My FA had most of the traits in your list as well. Avoidants are almost made out of the same template and their avoidance manifests in very similar ways. I detected alot of red flags right from the start but i just didn't know what i was dealing with. Its SO confusing. Didn't know about attachment theory.

@@karltan9461 I didn't know attachment theory back then either. i thought i was dealing with a very covert narcissist. when i entered the relationship i was AP which is why it took me so long to leave. now i'm securely attached, but it took a lot of work to get there.

Same here. 💯 I particularly struggle with the lack of public acknowledgement. I don't need it as external validation, I need it as demonstration of commitment and pride to have me as his partner.

@veral2274 yes agreed. It creates accountability and it also means you see them in different interactions which I believe they don't want....too vunerable and you see who they really are, they have less control.

@@veral2274 we broke up...

I deleted my social media 3+ years ago. I think no social media is a green flag.

@trippy6183 I think it is a good choice. My ex has social media but I wasn't connected with him. I never saw a public post in the 3 years we were together but he may of privately posted. He has been active since we split 2 days before my birthday NYE and a day last month. I shouldn't of looked and now on a strict ban 😅

Omg my ex DA did this which I pushed back and he did not like it.

Yep or the compliments are backhanded and the past co-experiences are devalued.

Ong same!

same😢

my guy can change personalities in a 12 hour time from...go from loving and doting on me ..saying super nice things and be kind for 7 hours then all of a sudden morning comes and he acts and even says that he never said those things....and for me to go home and becomes dismissive...it is the strangest thing ever...today I asked him if he had multiple personalities.....it is very fast how he switches ..and doesn't seem to remember what he said when he was the nice guy....ugggg this is killing me ....

The work is always the same. The work is around why we don't walk away.

​@mrsherwood2599 You're so right! I think we don't walk away because we are already attached and invested. I definitely do this too quick but it's difficult to know when to let your guard down.

Give him a few years. You can't isolate yourself and not suffer for it eventually.

Did you accept the proposal? (I hope you didn't! After 8 years of trying to make something you described work, I just give up. Broken heart, health issues, mental issues ... it's just not worth it.)

Yeah I'd end that proposal. And I'd leave that relationship as soon as possible. They have a tendency of doing this. Proposing yet putting in the minimal effort. It's like pouring water into a broken vase.

Find a good homeopath to work with. It will build up your internal strength. I definitely recommend them. Change diet as well and get out walking and moving your body. You need to detox and let that person fade away.

Please don’t marry this person. Please get out it will get worse.

Sweetie love urself more. Find someone who loves ur light not dims and runs away from it. Ur future self will appreciate it. I promise. We all r sending u love and hugs. Here to support you. We have been there.

Hey there, I actually made a reel about this sometime last year on Instagram. Here: instagram.com/tv/CwXb91Ug_2Q/?igsh=aXphMmVlNHRqZjQ4

Because they started feeling cornered? And the more you open up the more closed up they become. It was kinda sad to watch. Like a dog who had been beat down because of its own behavior and can only react to love with distrust and fear.

Why are you entertaining someone like that?

@@jessicahitchens6926 I'm not now. I'm I'm NC & plan to stay there.

I think he same is with my guy......I hate the blocking.....

He will never resolve issues and this has been his life pattern and will b. He has no incentive to behave better. Lower caliber women will settle for this. U dont need to.

Yes, limerence is a classic. The unavailable is alluring to them.

"Daydreaming of fairy tale future partner." Oh yeah.

Yes it's exponential growth

All narcissists are DAs, not every DA is a narcissist though.

Yes mine did that all the time!

Do not let him back in again. Dangerous people overall. You can empathise all you like at a distance.

Yes cause we're all trying to get back with an Avoidant and can't leave lol😂

Whilst I’ve never heard of Heidi Pribe, the arguement that anxious attachers tend to gravitate towards unavailable partners does have truth to it, however, it needs a lot of unpacking. This idea is based on literature from people like Pia Melody and Kerry Cohen’s work on love addiction which basically states that anxious attachers/ love addicts generally have a conscious fear of rejection but a subconscious fear of intimacy. What this means is that anxious attachers will usually reject people who are open and ready for love because it’s not stimulating or fulfilling for them at a subconscious level, and are more drawn to unavailable people - which means the anxious people never have to face their own fears of accepting healthier and more stable love. I do want to state that I don’t believe any anxious attacher consciously looks for unavailable folk. However, I also think it’s important to add context to this statement as many avoidant attachers notoriously also date other avoidants for many similar reasons: they don’t have to worry about being triggered by closeness, they can easily avoid feeling like the bad person if their avoidant partner pulls away and they also don’t have to face their own discomfort of being facing their fears of being vulnerable with someone. In short, I think this comment needs a lot of unpacking as it’s not a simple thing to understand on its own and I can see it being used as a generalisation.

@@KenReidCo Many avoiders told me exactly what you explained. I always thought this Attachment Theory thing was a bit like a recipe, that is, as if people were all the same and experienced relationships the same way. The problem with best sellers (Attached) is this: a generalized simplification. Heidi Priebe is a psychologist with good content on attachment (she is a youtuber). The goddess of avoidants (they always quote her). A lot of things she brings are very good to reflect on. It's just that sometimes, when she talks about APs, I wonder: where did she get that thought? Who said this is true? Thanks for the answer!

@@sushisam3010: Avoidant attachers, while choosing avoidant partners may be easier, can also be anxious if their partner displays more avoidant traits than they do. I was avoidant in one of my relationships (I'm generally leaning anxious) because, I eventually realised, I wasn't 100% on moving in and living with them and wasn't seeing the signs I needed to, despite the fact I loved that person very much. It's all much of a muchness and depends on whether it's causing dysfunction for one or both people in the partnership. With my DA ex, I didn't know she was DA until 6-7 months in, she downplayed her dismissiveness, showed a lot of affection, even later in the relationship, went through periods of being loving or emotional, and then pulling back. I was pretty assertive, made it clear what I wanted, and she kept coming back. I wouldn't have settled for half a relationship, and when she broke up and left, I took that as a sign (she broke a promise by doing so). I don't think that qualifies me as not wanting to be intimate or to experience love. Subconsciously, that may be what's going on but I don't feel like I was attracted to her because she wasn't mostly consistent with the affection. Similar thing happened with a girl I knew in my 20s; We dated, I loved her, then 2 years later I find out she has a genetic illness that she thought she wasn't going to be affected by (or didn't know as it hadn't been a problem up until then). I stayed with her because I loved her but things progressively got worse and then I had to leave. Sometimes, situations are just...shitty. And people aren't perfect. P.S. Heidi Priebe is an admitted dismissive avoidant so...I take everything she says with a grain of salt, as I don't think her motivations are 100% pure and she seems very analytical, which can be good or bad depending on the topic.

Mine was VERY cold like that also!!! (while claiming he was in love with me) It breaks your spirit to be in love with someone and they don't want to cuddle, etc. I can't remember him even EVER holding hands, putting his arm around me or ANYTHING. Yes, all affection was one-sided!!! It makes you feel like crap. Really turned out to be a very messed-up, sad person. I do hope he got counseling.

"My relationship with my ex turned toxic, leading me to make the difficult decision to walk away. Despite the challenges, I couldn't ignore the bond we shared over eight years. With the guidance of a spiritual advisor, we found our way back to each other and are now embracing life together."

@@coreyrae4516 wow! Respect for working through that 😊

LOLOL!!!!