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We need to work through our baggage so our baggage doesn't deal with us.
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I sometimes start to thinking in a loop was everything on my mind and go back to his first messages read them again. He was chasing me, scared to loose me even called me his other half.. then he said we were just talking and its in our imagination and end everything. He was into me into certain point but then suddenly changed. He claimed he never changed but he did and it drives me crazy with self doubt.
Avoidants can make anyone act anxious. There will be communication blockages and lies by omission. You'll definately have cognitive dissonance. Everyone has the right to end a relationship.
Trendy labels like attachment styles are just models designed to help understand very complex and idiosyncratic behaviour patterns. We could never hope to encapsulate the complexity of an individual human by merely labelling them "avoidant" or "anxious", or whatever. Pathologising former partners is a dead end. Better to work on oneself.
@@tarkov666 Absolutely, I agree - if people use them to help understand and work on themselves, that's brilliant. But lots of youtube content and especially the comments seem to focus on applying various trendy pathologies to ex girlfriends / boyfriends, which will likely get folk nowhere as far as self-development goes.
I am 32 years old, have a great career, signed to a major modeling agency (so some would deem me very handsome), an athlete, and classical musician treat people with kindness and my treatment from gay men has been honestly brutal. It’s been worse than any other treatment I’ve received from any other community. It’s been grave and honestly made me feel very sad. I’ve realized that this is a lot of treatment from a lot of gay men and I just want to find a loving kind partner 😞i feel like gay men have seen my heart and kindness and have been like he’s nice let’s shatter his heart kind of mentality because they’ve been hurt. This has been the most difficult community to even find friends in.
Why would anyone want them back? The hot & cold. The push/pull. The disappearance acts. Instead of being worried about “them” coming back-get into therapy yourself. A healthy person wouldn’t want these people. Cut mine quickly after 4.5 months. Bye bye! ✌️
At least I know now I'm not going insane about how toxic some gays can be. Was following a post where a guy was cheating on his girlfriend with guys. About half of the responders were overlooking or defending it, saying we don't know about that guys current situation. Apparently that's a justifiable excuse.
Disagree , they cause more damage than benefits. Who benefits from dating a avoidant, maybe another avoidant? ? Avoidant behaviour is abusive which further traumatizes the already traumatized person. There is no saftey with avoidant, they only show you an illlusion of the partner you've been seeking, when in reality, they are emotionally closed off, and cant handle closeness in the relationship. Which threatens the very safey youve been seeking in a relationship.
And then the avoidant starts a running list of issues they never tell you about and you end up paying in the end for things you never knew about or had a chance to remedy. Everything comes with a cost.
True to every word of it, but only in the beginning then as you said once emotions kick in, you will want moré that you won’t receive!! It happened to me, and this will at times frustrate you and get the worst of the emotional available partner having even the most secure attachers becoming anxious (my case).
This is so on point! My avoidant guy was very soft, trustworthy and loyal. I was coming off the back of 2 very abusive relationships and this was healing. For a time. Until the avoidant freaked out when I asked for commitment. My therapist has literally said exactly what you’re saying though, Ken. The avoidant guy served a purpose in my life, and I served a purpose in his (getting him to open up more than he had with others, even though it didn’t last).
They are really confident, charming, and impressive, but when they go near their wounding, they can fall apart. They do want the relationship, but as soon as you get closer to the wound, they become triggered in a deep way that is beyond the control of their conscious mind - they really get taken over, hijacked by their fears - it's beyond their control. Yes, you will fall hard, and you are not being led on, they are doing their best in the moment, and the person you meet is actually incredible, because to become who they are they have often had to be incredibly, amazingly strong, and there's something very compelling about that - it's much more attractive than a 'normal' person
Ah, the withholding of information is something that i will never miss. They tell themselves it's the best thing thing for us, but in reality, it's what's easiest for them. Nothing more.
That was my wife. I asked about me moving in since we hadn’t lived together the first year and a half. I was then ghosted, blocked, now divorcing 🤦 WTF??
oh well... I am currently on this rabbit hole of attachement styles and finally understand what happend to me for the past 4 years... Probably the most difficult time i've experienced. Thanks for all the knowledge you are sharing, explainations are cristal clear and no-one is guilty. Both victims, feeling anxiety. My way of looking at this has shift. Thanks !
After the discard, I blocked him because the slow ghosting and stonewalling were too painful! And I’ve been holding on to this boundary for almost 3 months. I can feel I’m healing. I treat myself nicely, buy myself gifts, go hiking every weekend, workout more frequently, educate myself with knowledge. I’m proud of myself! Last week, when I noticed that he blocked me back, at first it felt like being discarded again, but very soon, I felt ‘whatever 🙄’, and I love this feeling! Once the person chooses to leave my world, it’s a dead person in my world!
No there is NOT a lot more going on behind the scenes. People read way too much into an avoidant’s emotional capacity. The truth is they have very limited emotional capacity. They have the emotional depth of child’s paddling pool. They don’t appear to care because they DON’T care. They are only one step away from having NPD. They are not insecure. They are fine with who they are. They are just not fine with who you are once they find out you have more emotional need for connection than a barbie doll. Once you break up they’ll simply look for the next Barbie doll to play in their shallow paddling pool.
